CLUB MED
          (or a reasonable facsimile thereof :)


          The sky was a perfect shade of blue, one that you would have to live a lifetime to see. The sea was only slightly darker, and the foam was a startling contrast against it. The beaches were covered with fine white sand that the wind and waves had contoured into pleasing lines. It was not too hot, not too cold. It was just right.
          It was always like that here.
          In the middle of this perfect beach, someone had set up a beach chair and was lying back, soaking up the sun and doing absolutely nothing. She didn't move at all, she barely breathed. She was very good at doing nothing, but then again she was very good at many things.
          She was very beautiful, with legs that went to THERE and pleasing curves. Long green hair streamed down her shoulders in perfect waves and a pair of mirrored shades covered her eyes. Nary a thought crossed her mind as she strove for a near-impossible state of mind: relaxation.
          She was Sailor Pluto, and as a rule, Sailor Pluto didn't get vacations.
          This place was an exception to a lot of rules
          Dubbed the Plutoverse (or Club Pluto) by most everyone else who knew about it, this was a paradise. In the multiverse, there were an almost infinite number of universes. 3/4ths of them weren't Sailormoon-based at all, so this place was unconcerned with them. But given all the Sailormoon universes, that meant there were a lot of different Pluto incarnations.
          The Pluto incarnations here were mostly Setsunas: tall, dark, green hair and magenta eyes. About 75% of all Plutos had Setsuna as their basic template. There were exceptions of course, but since no one really wants to contemplate a Gatts-Pluto (with a really really big garnet sword) or an Author's Raging Ego-Pluto, we'll just skip that.
          Being Sailor Pluto never really gave one much time off, what with watching the time gate, making sure timelines went smoothly, guarding against tentacled horrors from beyond, and other such Naoko-inspired plot devices. Naturally, after a few millennia (give or take a century or two, as your temporal mileage may vary), many Plutos ran the risk of going psychotic.
          So in order to fight off the mental trauma associated with being Pluto, this place was created. It was deliberately made to be almost perfect. Gorgeous weather, Club Med-type atmosphere, and all the Satellite television a Pluto could want. It was built in subspace, so it didn't exist on anyone's personal timelines. Some Plutos were here almost every weekend, or the equivalent thereof. Others came once a year or so. Some never did, not liking the idea of relaxing.
          This Pluto lounging on the beach was just here to soak up some sunshine and enjoy the music of Vaugner coming from her Walkman. She was one of the ones who were around every weekend. And everyone who knew her deeply sympathized.
          After all, this poor Setsuna was the one assigned to a particularly twisted universe. She had long since grown used to the stigma of working there. Whenever a few of the younger or newer Plutos caught sight of her, they would always whisper something like, "Fanboys" or "Havoc."
          But the fanboys were the last things on her mind.
          It was an omakefic.
          She wasn't involved with it.
          Henceforth: it was time to kick back and relax in the Plutoverse.
          Setsuna had already been to the massage parlour, and two hours later found most of the tense muscles in her body worked out. No kinks were left. After that, she had enjoyed some pizza and foosball at one of the cafes along the arcade. This was followed by some mint ice cream.
          The enjoyable afternoon was now culminating in a suntan. And more importantly: silence. No otaku shrieking about some plot twist run amok. No ridiculous sight gags and Anime puns to fall victim to. And best of all, no Havoc to strip her naked and steal her panties.
          "Mmmm, I wish I never had to leave," she murmured. But it was a rule that a Pluto could never abandon her world. However, she was determined to enjoy her time off as much as she possibly could.
          She was just beginning to enjoy the idea of doing nothing when, of course, it all went wrong. Something abruptly blocked her sun. Sliding her mirror shades down her nose, Setsuna saw a shadow stretching right across the length of the entire beach, and it was noticeably advancing across the entire resort.
          Then an ominous but distant roaring could be heard.
          And it was growing louder.
          Setsuna's head slowly turned towards the open ocean. "What the hell?" she muttered, rising from her beach chair.
          And then her jaw dropped in horror and disbelief.
          "You've got to be kidding me!" Setsuna shouted, watching the immense form of the Chibi-Havoc tsunami heading straight for the Club Pluto resort.

Chibi-Havocs: ^-^ [surfing the crest] "Hotcha! Pu-chans ahoy!"


          *          *

College Life. Now referred to as: Weekend At Beanie's 2 Popcorn?


          Chibi-Nightbreak stared down at the mamequin flopped out in the snow, its legs and arms askew in horrible-looking angles. The more he stared down at it, the more sweatdrops started to gather around his head. "This isn't happening," he groaned, banging his head against the windowsill. "I'm an accessory to the death of a self-inserted avatar! Why did she have to be so damned popular and successful? No one would have cared if we'd killed a boring, cliche-ridden avatar!"
          He turned to Chibi-Chaos. "Why couldn't you have gone through the window instead?"
          After taking a few moments to ponder the question, Chibi- Chaos ventured a guess: "Love?"
          Chibi-Nightbreak's eyebrow twitched as he gave Chibi-Chaos a very unimpressed look. "You are such an idiot."
          "You know," Chibi-Chaos said as he glanced back out the window. "In a strange way, I do hope she's dead. Because if she somehow managed to survive that, she is going to be sooooo pissed at us."
          "What do you mean by 'us'?" Chibi-Nightbreak exclaimed. "I wasn't the one who fought with her and then lobbed her through the window!"
          "Well I wouldn't have accidentally sent her through the window if she'd just given me her lake god to begin with," Chibi- Chaos huffed. He pointed over to the fish tank. "This is all your fault, you realise. If you'd just accepted the truth that I am the better avatar, none of us would be in this--"

          *SPLAT!*

Chaos: -.-;; [with octopus stuck to the side of his head] "Having the lake god is one thing. Keeping it is my problem."
          The lake god in turn burbled something that shouldn't be repeated in front of small children...unless it's Crayon Shin-chan. And then the lake god waved a piece of kelp around that looked remarkably like a middle finger.
          "I'm warning you," Chibi-Chaos threatened, holding up a small round jar with a bright orange label on it. "Don't make me use this on your chlorinated, liquid butt."
          "Just what is that?" Chibi-Nightbreak asked.
          Chibi-Chaos grinned. "A new secret weapon to make the lake god behave: behold a jar of Pectin! And this weapon is fool-proof for sure!"
          "You know, Chaos," Chibi-Nightbreak sighed. "Every time anyone here creates a better fool-proofed plan, you decide go an devolve into a bigger idiot."
          Chibi-Chaos shrugged. "Well, you know, everyone has to have a hobby."
          "......"
          "Well, we should head out and fetch Beans before anyone notices her mangled corpse on the snow," Chibi-Chaos said. "Let me just secure the lake god, and we can be off!"
          However, he took not two steps forward before tripping on the overturned swivel chair. With a yelp his face hit the floor, and the jar of Pectin went flying. Chibi-Nightbreak froze as the Pectin soared through the air, the lid flying open and releasing the powdered contents...right into the aquarium. Within seconds of mixing with the lake god, the water thickened into a viscous white substance.
          "Great," Chibi-Nightbreak glibly remarked. "Now you're the proud owner of a yoghurt god, Chaos."
          "Minor setback, minor setback!" Chibi-Chaos said as he stared aghast at the fish tank. "Okay, first thing's first. Now that we've subdued the lake god--"
          "You just turned it into a semi-solidified milk product, Chaos!" Chibi-Nightbreak exclaimed. "I fear to think what would happen if you'd accidentally dropped some strawberry slices into the mix too!"
          Chibi-Chaos paused and then mused to himself, "You know, I have been meaning to write that 'I My Me! Strawberry Eggs Shortcake' fanfic...or barring that, writing a new Dr. Seuss book entitled 'Strawberry Eggs and Ham'...."
          He was unceremoniously clobbered by a Sana hammer.
          Out from beneath it warbled Chibi-Chaos' voice, "I guess I should have stuck with 'Green Eggs and Hamtaro' instead, ne?"
          Abruptly there was a knock at the door to Beans' dorm room, which startled the two SD avatars.
          "Say, Beans, what's with all the commotion in there?" came Dan's voice. The knob turned and Beans' door began to open. "I was just on my way here to invite you to a round of F-1 racing, and--"
          Chibi-Nightbreak and Chibi-Chaos stared at each other in horror.
          "We've got to get out of here before he sees us!" Chibi-Chaos whispered. "Quick, out the window!"
          "Let me help you!" Chibi-Nightbreak said, punting Chibi-Chaos straight through it. He then hopped up onto the windowsill and jumped down after Chibi-Chaos. "'Green Eggs and Hamtaro', what the hell kind of fanfic is that?!"
          The two vanished from sight just as Dan poked his head inside. "Hello, Beans? You in here?" he called out. He shivered as he felt the draft from the window. "Why would she leave her window open in the dead of winter? It's freezing in here!" he muttered.
          Just as Dan was about to close the window (and realise that closing a broken window is not exactly the most effective thing you can do), he glanced outside and saw what he could have sworn were two strange-looking midgets dragging Beans by her legs across the snow and hiding out behind one of the snowmen. "Hey, who's out there?" he said.
          "Uh...nobody's out here," came Chibi-Chaos' voice from behind the snowman. "Just us snowmen, that's all. Yep, we're just out for a stroll, don't mind us at all!"
          "Beans, is that you?"
          The mamequin's head popped out from behind the snowman, bobbing back and forth as Chibi-Chaos tried to make it look even remotely alive. "Um...yep, it's me: Beans! I just need a quick breath of air between all my studying, so I figured a walk around would help."
          Chibi-Nightbreak propped one of the mamequin's elbows beneath his head and tried to make her wave to Dan.
          "Why's your window open?" Dan asked.
          "Oh, it was just getting stuffy in there. Just leave it that way, I'll close it later, thanks," Chibi-Chaos said. Aside to Chibi-Nightbreak he muttered, "Speaking falsetto's going to kill me! Why couldn't we just have her pantomime all this stuff?"
          However, it seemed that no matter how perplexed he was at Beans' behaviour, Dan shrugged and sauntered out of the room. Chibi-Nightbreak let out a sigh of relief and dropped the mamequin's arm from off his head.
          "That was close. Now what?"
          "Okay, we just have to make her look like she can walk, so we can hike her back up to her room," Chibi-Chaos said. "Come on, tie your shoelaces with hers."
          "I'm wearing Velcro."
          Chibi-Chaos sweatdropped. "Okay...Plan B: duct tape!!"
          "And here I thought your idea to cast Jim Carrey in 'Ace Ventura: Anime Mascot Detective' was your dumbest one yet," Chibi- Nightbreak sighed, shaking his head.


          *          *

          Over at one of the campus cafeterias, Chibi-Beans was having more than enough fun eating her sub sandwich...um, technically speaking she was having more than enough fun eating her tenth sub sandwich...er, technically speaking she wasn't eating it as much as she was wolfing it down like Lina Inverse at an 'All You Can Eat In 10 Seconds' buffet.
          "I don't understand it," Haruka mused. "How can something so small eat so much?"
          "Fast metabolism?" Michiru ventured. "After all, to be this hyperactive for so long, she has to get her energy from somewhere."
          Haruka shook her head as she watched Chibi-Beans polish off another large bottle of Pepsi. "She keeps storing energy like this and my wallet will be empty in the next five minutes."
          Finally satiated, Chibi-Beans sat back in her booster seat and let out a kawaii little burp. "Oooh, now let's see Miaka and her pithy appetite top that," she crooned. "Of course, if I had an appetite like Guu, I'd have eaten everyone here in the cafeteria too."
          Haruka and Michiru gave her curious looks.
          Embarrassed, Chibi-Beans giggled. "Gomen, gomen! Don't you just hate when those random thoughts get loose and then you have to go chasing them down before they create some sort of embarrassing situation? Like the time I decided to use Chaos' favourite lingerie as a pool filter, only to discover that he was still wearing it when I stuffed it into the slot."

Haruka: [sweatdrop!] "......"

Chibi-Beans: ;p "What? You thought it would be *my* embarrassing moment?"

          "Ne, what should we do next?" Michiru inquired after looking at her watch. "How much more work do you need to do on your assignment?"
          Chibi-Beans waved that aside. "I'm almost done that, and it's not due for another two days anyways," she said, clamouring onto Haruka's lap. "I want to play some F-1 Racing!"
          Haruka grinned and gave Michiru a semi-serious look. "Only if Michiru onee-san will let you stay up past your bedtime."
          "I may be chibi, but I'm still a college student," Chibi- Beans huffed.
          Michiru thoughtfully rubbed the base of her chin. "Ara, I think I'll consider letting our little Mame-chan stay up...if she lets me dress her up in this!" With that she excitedly pulled out from behind her back a number of really small and elegantly designed dresses & gowns, perfectly sized for Chibi-Beans.

Chibi-Beans: [sweatdrop!] "What am I here, Card Captor Sakura?"

Haruka: [sweatdrop!] "First the Aqua Mirror, now this? Just how many pan-dimensional pockets does that dress of yours have, Michiru?" Michiru: "Why don't you start sticking your hands in them and find out?"

Haruka: ^-^ "Oooh, tempting!"

Chibi-Beans: o.O;; [ack!] "This is a lemon just waiting to happen."


          *          *

          With the mamequin carefully hoisted up between them, Chibi- Chaos and Chibi-Nightbreak lurked by the front entrance to Beans' dorm residence. "Daijobu, it's all clear!" Chibi-Chaos announced.
          "Chaos, how can you tell that if the mamequin's head is the only one sticking out around the corner?" Chibi-Nightbreak asked.
          Chibi-Chaos ventured a guess: "Love?"
          Chibi-Nightbreak smacked his own forehead. "That's it, I'm leaving."
          "Wait, you can't leave yet!" Chibi-Chaos squeaked, trying to hold up the mamequin all by himself now. "The fic's not over, and we're contractually obligated to stay here until the end."
          "Can't we just call an omake, and go home?" Chibi-Nightbreak asked.
          Chibi-Chaos beamed. "Of course! We just leave the body here, let the omake theatre roll by, our fic's done, and when the Outers find her, people will just think Beans died of natural causes in her own series! Cue the omake!!"



OMAKE THEATRE, TAKE 1!!!



          An infinite number of monkeys on an infinite number of typewriters will eventually write a good and successful Chaosfic.

Chaos: ^-^ "Wai! And here it is! (o.O;) Hey, wait a minute. This is a Havocfic!!"

          [Cue Havoc dropping onto Chaos' head!]

Havoc: "Hotcha! And it is nothing short of flawless too. I mean, who can go wrong with a Havocfic entitled 'Ai No Kosaba'?"

Pesti: [scratching his head] "The Boobs of Love?"

Havoc: "Oh, and would you rather have me rename it 'Ai no Kolbassa', Hotaru?"

Pesti: >.< "No! That's even worse. What kind of an idiot would think up a fic like that?"

Chaos: [getting off the floor] "Hey, no fair, Havoc! I've been working on 'Ai no Kolbassa' for two months now. You're not stealing that one from me!"

Pesti: [sigh!] "Chaos, that was a rhetorical question."

Chaos: [teary-eyed li'l fanboy] "But I'm sure this time around it's going to sweep the Golden Raspberry awards, just like last year's 'Candidates For Ah My Goddess!' fic."

          [Cue the facevaults!]

Chaos: [blink blink!] "Or should I just stick with the current contender, 'Turn A-ko Gundam'?"


          That's all for today. Join us next time for the second instalment of 'Undressing Chaos: the Idiot Behind the Moron.'


          [End!]



Chibi-Nightbreak: -.-;; "On second thought, let's not go with an omake. That omake's a silly thing."

Chibi-Chaos: ^^ [scribbling down notes] "Tee hee! 'Ai no Kolbassa'...where do I come up with such brilliant ideas!"

Chibi-Nightbreak: "You're not helping instil any confidence in me here, Chaos."

Chibi-Chaos: "Okay, so that omake didn't take. Let's try another one!"


          [Cue another omake!]

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