APARTMENT OF THE FANBOYS
(Hey, it was either here or at Planet Hentai!)
"Hmph!" Makoto exclaimed indignantly, storming out the front door.
"Mako-chan, wait!" Pesti-chan called out after her. He let out a startled yelp as he tripped over Chaos' twitching form. "This is all your fault for groping her, you realize."
"Did anyone get the phone number of that babe who hit me?" Chaos asked in a distant voice, his eyes now just big swirly lines.
"Nope, but I most certainly have her panties!" Havoc replied, bounding out from behind the kitchen counter. "Hotcha! Silken darlings, and all for Hentenno-sama!"
"That's not *all* Hentenno-sama's gonna get either," Carnage snarled. "MEGA BRAND!!!"
Seconds later the living room was sporting wondrous new holes in the floor and ceiling. Mayhem shook his head as he turned back to the television. "Baka baka. Give it up, Carnage. Either you miss him completely or you turn him into a flashflood of Cream Lemon."
"Actually I think I'm wearing him down," Carnage countered, pulling out his Zanba sword and chasing after Havoc. "Sooner or later his hentai guard will be down and then he's mine!!"
Havoc glanced back. "Oro?"
Unfortunately that moment proved to be one when Havoc's guard was not down. The entire apartment was covered in whipped cream, most of it draining through the large hole in the floor into the apartment below them.
Pesti-chan flicked a glob of whipped cream from his arm. "You're paying the bill to clean the carpets off, Carnage."
Chaos managed to peel himself off the Cream Lemon-covered wall, leaving a perfect SD fanboy silhouette left behind. "There has got to be a better way to spend the evening."
"Well I would be having a better evening had you not groped my Mako-chan!" Pesti-chan growled. "That cooking class was meant to be for just Mako-chan and I--not you and the killer pastry dough of death! And then you had the nerve to try kneading her breasts instead of the dough. Now I'll be spending all of tomorrow apologizing to her, Chaos! BAKA!!!"
"*YOUR* Mako-chan?!" Chaos shot back. "As your overlord and sensei, I forbid you to date her. She's my babe, Pesti-chan. Accept it, and I shall graciously refrain from smacking you silly with this herring."
Pesti-chan's eyebrow twitched as he pointed a finger at Chaos. "Rumblequake."
"KYAAAAAAA!!!! I WASN'T READY FOR THAT, YOU CHEATER!"
"Could you guys keep it down?" Mayhem asked from his place on the couch. "I'm missing Kotetsu here."
"Hotcha!" Havoc said, popping up next to Mayhem. "And Kotetsu-chan's missing her panties!"
"Damn his creaminess," a teary, Bambi-eyed Carnage sniffled.
"Daijobu, Carnage-poppa!" Hysteria piped up, glomping onto his arm. "Hysteria's here for kawaii little you! Ooooh! What kawaii whipped cream! Hysteria and Carnage-poppa can have a kawaii little tea party here--and Havoc-poppa, Pesti-poppa and Chaos-momma's invited too!"
Mayhem: [sweatdrop!] "Forgive me if I respectfully decline."
Pesti, Chaos & Carnage: "Me too."
Havoc: "Are they serving Jello?"
Fanboys: "SHADDUP HAVOC!!!"
Hysteria: "Waaaaah!! Everyone's so mean to poor kawaii little Hysteria!"
Suddenly the TV screen began to flicker, the Anime feature slowly being replaced with an image of Joel, Crow & Tom.
"Shimatta!" Mayhem sighed, walking over to the set and smacking the side. "Carnage, bring that Zanba sword over here. I think one of your orbital platforms caused another signal interference. You didn't set off a Satellite Strike again, did you?"
Carnage racked his mind. "Not that I'm aware of. I'd be too happy and relaxed to go after the uberperv if I had blown up a city or six."
"Don't touch that dial!" Crow chirped. "Order now and we'll send you a free wardrobe courtesy of the Mads Fashion World."
"Oooh!" Chaos said, suddenly riveted to the screen. "Are they full-length dresses or knee-high?"
"Chaos!" Pesti-chan exclaimed.
"Wah! Joel-chan, Crow-chan, Tom-chan!" Hysteria said, clapping her hands excitedly. "You want to have a kawaii little tea party-chan with Hysteria too, ne? Ne? Ne?"
The two robots exchanged nervous glances. "Who's the posterchild for birth control?" Tom asked.
"Long story," Pesti-chan said. "What brings you guys into our neck of the Anime universe? I take it this isn't a social call."
"It's not local either," Tom added, turning to Crow. "We're lucky we reversed the charges onto their phone bill."
"Hai!" Chaos agreed. "You're lucky you reversed the charges onto our--WHAT?!"
"Take the remote control of the gods and click it onto this specific channel," Joel said, pointing to a set of flashing numbers that appeared at the bottom of the screen.
"What will that do?" Pesti-chan asked.
"Beam you guys over here," Joel replied.
Chaos sweatdropped. "And just why would we want to go to the Satellite of Love?"
"If you hurry you can watch Kate Winslet undress!" Crow piped up.
"Hotcha!" Havoc exclaimed. "I'm there!"
Carnage promptly punted him through the hole in the ceiling. "FREAK!!!"
Mayhem shook his head. "Indulge me, please; I fail to see the reason for us joining you at MST central."
"Remember how we didn't sue you guys for mental anguish over the Oscar: Resurrection Moviefic?" Tom inquired.
"And?" Mayhem pressed.
"We're calling in the favour...."
* * *
BEST BRAINS, WE HAVE A PROBLEM....
Dr. Forrester eagerly awaited the arrival of doomsday. He had been worried about postponing armageddon when he somehow misplaced his lemonfic again, but fortunately he had managed to relocate it about a half hour later. Now it was *his* hour!
He turned on the television monitor, waiting for the static to clear. "Ah, yes. Finally, Joel, you and our two bots shall grovel before me as your minds are reduced to bowls of warm Tapioca Pudding!"
The screen cleared to reveal--!
Havoc: ^-^ "Hotcha! Who cares about Tapioca pudding when we've got all the Jello in the world?"
Carnage: "You're gonna be reduced to pudding in a second of you don't get away from the viewscreen, you freak! DYNAST FLARE!!!"
Havoc: ^-^ "Oro?"
[Cue the gratuitous Slayers explosion and Cream Lemon tidal wave!"
Pesti: [staring up at the hole in the ceiling] "Well it's not like we *really* needed all that oxygen anyways."
Mayhem: "Daijobu. Note how all the whipped cream's getting sucked out into space and instantly freezing onto the hull of the satellite, thus clogging the hole perfectly."
Havoc: "See? Cream Lemon has many many wonderful uses. Such as lubricant for nekkid Jello wrestlers!"
Fanboys: "SHADDUP HAVOC!!!"
Chaos: [tapping on the viewscreen] "Moshi moshi? Is this thing on? Hello?"
Dr. Forrester recoiled in shock. "What the? You're not Joel!"
"And you're not Pu-chan," Havoc replied. "Although if you have her panties I'm coming over there this instant."
The rest of the fanboys facevaulted.
"So what happened to the Megane 6.7 trio?!" Dr.F exclaimed.
"They're taking a vacation," Mayhem said with a shrug. "We owed them a favour after the Oscar: Resurrection Moviefic, so you're stuck with us instead. Presenting lords Mayhem, Chaos, Pesti-chan, Carnage and--"
"Panties panties panties!" Havoc cut in, bounding across the Satellite of Love with Mokuren's panties on her head.
"And one uberperv," Carnage finished. "I can't believe we brought him along with us for this."
"Well, Joel did say it was a hentaific," Chaos offered. "Who better to take our attention off the mindless sex than the Hentenno?"
Forrester paused. "Wait a minute. You're the guys who thwarted my plot to resurrect and clone an infinite number of Oscars to unleash upon the world!!"
"Yes, and you're the idiot who gave Havoc the chance to create that 'got Jello?' crack," Pesti-chan retorted. "After all we've had to suffer through in the past few fics thanks to that, I'd say that makes us about even."
"Hotcha!" Havoc piped up. "There's always room for Jello!"
Carnage facevaulted. "One fic," he lamented. "I missed getting to nuke Oscar's ass by one lousy fanfic!"
Forrester shook his head. "Wait a minute. You're in the middle of space. How did Joel and his bots manage to get off the satellite, and you guys get on?!"
Mayhem cleared his throat, brandishing the remote control of the gods. "*Ahem!* Need we remind you of just how we managed to terrorize the A Sailor Moon Romance hentai page? We just clicked them into our fanfic while we're here."
Forrester adjusted his glasses. "Dammit, and here I wanted to see Joel be the one reduced to a babbling idiot. No matter, then. I doubt even you guys will be able to stomach the freshly squeezed lemon I have in store for you. The fanboys may have been able to survive bestial hermaphrodites, but that was kid's play compared to this fic. In fact, this fic *is* kid's play! Bwah ha ha hah!"
Pesti-chan leaned over to Mayhem. "Suddenly their eagerness to change places with us becomes frighteningly clear."
Mayhem shrugged. "We left them to babysit Hysteria. Who's got the better end of the deal?"
"Ask me that at the end of this," Carnage replied darkly, not exactly thrilled with the prospect of MSTing something that didn't include destroying Oscar.
Chaos: [flipping through his day planner] "Ano...nope. No Dr. Forrester, no MSTing. You did book ahead before trying to kill us with a hideous fanfic, right?"
Dr. F: [blink blink!] "What?"
Chaos: [flipping through more pages] "You see it's just plain rude to kill us without booking an appointment first. We're booked solid for the next three thousand years...oooh! But we do have an opening between 9:05am and 9:10am on December 11, 4078. Shall I pencil you in tentatively?"
Dr. F.: [sweatdrop] "You're kidding, right?"
Havoc: "What does my planner have for today? Hm...steal panties, steal panties, steal panties, explode in Cream Lemon in the apartment, steal more panties, crown a new Miss Ecchiban at Planet Hentai...."
Pesti: [sweatdrop!] "Hentai."
Havoc: ^-^ "Call me Hentenno-sama!"
Carnage: [aside to Mayhem] "Maybe we should let this guy Forrester have a go at Chaos first."
Mayhem: "And then make our getaway while Forrester has a heart attack after Chaos shows him that 3X3 Eyes of God Chaosfic he wrote? Say, that's an idea!"
Chaos: "I heard that!"
"Ah, but first we must exchange ideas on our latest inventions," Forrester said. He pulled out a white, handheld portable hair dryer. "Behold my mightiest invention yet!"
Pesti-chan sweatdropped. "Ano...I think someone's already got a patent out on blowdryers, Doc."
"I'll only buy it if I can perm my hair," Chaos stated.
Carnage promptly whacked him upside the back of the head.
"No, this is a special one," Forrester proudly said. "This is no mere hand-held hairdryer."
"If he says it also brushes and flosses your teeth, I'm leaving," Mayhem said.
Chaos' eyes widened. "You mean it does that too? Sugoi!"
"No, you moron!" Forrester snapped. "You see, the average person who uses a hairdryer will take anywhere between five and twenty minutes a day using this. And what else are they doing at this time, hm?"
"Is that question rhetorical?" Chaos asked.
Forrester rolled his eyes. "I feel like I'm taking to a bunch of kindergarteners. Now where was I? You see, while you dry your hair you're doing nothing else but listening to the droning whir of the dryer. This hairdryer has specially built into it a small microphone that will transmit hushed whispers to the user to bow down to me and aid in my conquest for world domination! The user will be subjected to subliminal messages and then buy more hairdryers for their friends, and soon it will spread to the ends of the world!
"And if people actually hear the messages being played from the hairdryer, they'll be called either crazy or paranoid. After all no one would expect an evil overlord to strike at the world through something as trivial as a hairdryer so this is the perfect ploy! Not to mention think of all the cash I'll get from corporations who want me to put subliminal advertizing into these babies."
Mayhem scratched his head. "So your hairdryers will turn people into mindless zombies who will follow whatever you tell them?"
"Exactly!" Forrester said triumphantly.
"Hasn't television already beaten him to that?" Pesti-chan muttered to Carnage.
Carnage nodded. "Hai hai. Ne, Forrester, what happens if you run up to someone from the Hairclub for Men?"
Forrester instantly reverted into bug-eyed SD mode before facevaulting right off the screen. The fanboys leaned forward, trying to see where the mad scientist had disappeared to.
"I take it he never considered the balding population," Mayhem sighed. "He's certainly mad but his scientist could use a little work."
Forrester reappeared. "Alright, well have *you* come up with any brilliant inventions?"
Chaos beamed. "Why as a matter of fact, we have! And I present to you--!" He pulled out his arm...only to discover that Catastrophe-chan was busy teething on it. "KYAAAAAA!!!! SHE'S CHEWING ON MY FINGERS!!!!"
"That's your invention?" Forrester inquired sardonically. "A super deformed Godzilla-thingy for a mascot?"
Pesti-chan shrugged. "Hey, we haven't been utterly annoyed Utena's ChuChu or Kimba the White Lion for a loooong time. So you tell us how useful she is?"
"But you didn't invent her!!" Forrester protested.
"No but our author did," Mayhem countered.
"Hotcha!" Havoc said, popping up right beneath Carnage and thus lobbing the stunned mecha-freak right into a window. "How about this? Just created last night at Planet Hentai, it's a new drink: Mellow Jello! It's got that refreshing lemon-lime taste that quenches your thirst while making you wet at the same time!"
"HENTAI!!!" Chaos and Pesti-chan exclaimed, punting Havoc down the hallway.
Mayhem turned to Forrester, who had by now developed a rather nasty eyebrow twitch. "Well, it's either Rampage or Mellow Jello, Doc. Take them or leave them to run amok. Care to vote?"
Forrester just stood totally still, sweatdrops orbiting around his head as he remained in a catatonic state.
"I can see we've come at a bad time," Mayhem said, turning way. "If you need us we'll be at the Holocabana."
"Not so fast!" Forrester countered, snapping back into the MSTfic and throwing a switch. "Prepare yourselves for the ultimate experience in gruelling lemon terror, fanboys! I present to you Darren Schivo's masterpiece: Rini's Special Moment With Serena! Bwah ha ha ha ha!!"
The image of the fanboys vanished, leaving Dr. F to maniacally giggle with thoughts of world domination dancing through his head. He turned around to ready Deep 13 for his coronation...until he noticed something not quite right.
Dr. Forrester's eyes bugged out. "KYAAAAA!!! Frank, what did you do?!"
The Forresterbot pulled out an enormous rusty axe, and evil glimmer appearing in his eyes. "Heeeeeeere's Forrester!"
Frank leaped out from behind a large statue of Captain Bob Stupendous & his Caterpillars of Doom, cowering behind the mad scientist. "The Forresterbot's jumped it's program! It's gone from Kasumi Tendo mode to Psycho Axe-Wielding Kasumi Tendo mode!"
The axe-wielding Forresterbot started towards the two. "Ara, would either of you care for some Red Rum? It wouldn't take much for me to make some for you, if you don't mind."
Forrester's eyebrow twitched as he glanced down at Frank. "Well don't just stand there!" he exclaimed, booting Frank over to the Forresterbot. "Do something!!"
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
(Soon to be Planet Hentai in the Sky)
"This is too easy," Mayhem chuckled as he tossed the remote into the air and caught it in his hand. "With the remote control of the gods, all we have to do is fast-forward the fanfic and we'll be done in five minutes flat."
Chaos nodded as he finally managed to pry Catastrophe off his arm. "Hai hai. This Chibiusa hentaific should be a breeze."
"Can't I blow the hentaific up instead?" Carnage sniffled, giving Mayhem the largest teary Bambi-eyes he could.
"Carnage, in the world of MSTs the fics are indestructible," Pesti-chan said. "The worst you'll do is block a few pages with all the smoke and debris after nuking the theatre."
Carnage looked less than impressed as a kawaii li'l stormcloud appeared and started to rain on his head. "No one ever lets me have any fun."
"Well, let's get on with it," Chaos said. "Ne, Mayhem, let me handle the remote this time."
Mayhem laughed. "Yeah, right! When have you ever used the remote properly?"
Chaos' kitty ears appeared as his hair abruptly ruffled. "Come on, I can work it right this time! I promise! Give it here, Mayhem!?"
"Not a chance, Chaos."
"Hand it over Newt-boy!"
At which point an irate SD Chaos lunged for Mayhem, knocking the remote control of the gods from Mayhem's grip. The fanboys all shrieked as the remote toppled to the floor and then slipped through the openings of a floor grate. Everyone slowly turned to Chaos, their eyebrows twitching.
Chaos: [sincere smile!] "Um...oops?"
Carnage: [grrrrr!] "Yeah...'oops'."
"We have to retrieve it somehow," Pesti-chan said.
Suddenly a series of bells and sirens went off, the entire Satellite of Love now bathed in flashing colours of red, orange and yellow.
"Hotcha!" Havoc exclaimed. "We've got lemon signs!"
Mayhem sweatdropped. "Ano...too late, Pesti-chan. At least we've got this crate of Hard Lemonade with us."
Carnage turned to Chaos. "If we survive this, I swear I'm telling Tasuki about that Sakura Halissen Chaosfic you wrote, Little Miss Dragqueen."
[Door 6: A drawbridge lowers down, allowing you to cross over a moat.]
[Door 5: You must first battle Tatewaki Kuno. However he abruptly leaves to chase after his beloved pig-tailed girl. You slide open a shoji screen and continue walking.]
[Door 4: There is an enormous waterfall you must cross through. Pause a few minutes to let Mayhem the Newt dry himself off.]
[Door 3: It's a large bank vault. The combination lock spins itself and opens for you.]
[Door 2: It opens to reveal Bakuretsu Hunter's Gato and Eclair in Speedos flexing their muscles and shouting "Look at me!!" You discreetly close the door and shuffle over to Door 1.]
[Door 1: It's on the other side of a gigantic tub of Jello. You spend fifteen minutes wading through it. Havoc clears the tub in under two seconds.]
[Door 7: the camera pans downward where a small hatch pops open.]
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