Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "Oh, our author's not serious, is he?"
Dark Mayhem: [consulting the script] "Apparently he is."
Pesti: [groan!] "No...not another MSTfic. We barely survived Schivo as it is."
Carnage: "Hey, I didn't mind the part where we got to deatomize Chibiusa."
Fanboys: "It's the rest of the MSTfic we're worried about, Carnage!"
Carnage: [hmph!] "So long as I can smuggle in some weapons of Mass Destruction, I'm happy."
Havoc: ^-^ "Want to know what I've got smuggled in my pants?"
Pesti: "The intro bit to this MSTfic is scaring me already."
Dark Mayhem: "Hai hai. But nothing is as scary as that."
[Cue Skimehime-chan running across the intro!]
Red Queen Kasumi: "WOH HO HOH OHO HO!!! Ara, Chaos-kun, it's time for our friendly whipping session, ne?"
Chaos: o.O "KYAAAAAAAAA!! JO'O-SAMAAAAAAAAA!!!"
Pesti: "It appears Chaos plays the role of her court jester quite well."
Demolition: [pose!] "So what role do I get to play in this MSTfic?"
Dark Mayhem: [consulting the script] "Ano...a very brief cameo."
Demolition: o.O [blink blink!] "WHAT?"
Chaos: "Can I trade places with him?"
Demolition: --;; "Damn! How am I going to attract cute Anime babes if I'm not starring in anything?"
Red Queen Kasumi: "Could you please come back here, Chaos-kun? I haven't finished whipping you yet!"
Chaos: o.O [frantic li'l fanboy] "KYAAAAAAAAAA!!"
Pesti: "You actually want a role opposite the females in our series, Demolition?"
Demolition: [shrug!] "There's not much else."
Carnage: ^-^ "Aw, poor Demo-chan."
Demolition: "Stop calling me Demo-chan! At least I don't have to read a really bad fanfic!"
Carnage: "Ha! Shows what you know; we get to nuke it afterwards, just like in MSTfic 2."
Dark Mayhem: [paging through the script] "Um...hate to break it to you, Carnage, but there's no slated nuking here."
Carnage: [eyebrow twitch!] "Well now what the hell am I supposed to do?!"
Havoc: [sigh!] "What this intro bit needs is a good spanking."
[Havoc pulls out his wooden spanker spoon!]
Havoc: ^-^ "Pu-chan Pu-chan Pu-chan Pu-chan Pu-chan!!!"
Setsuna: --;; [with Big-Ass Key!] "I refuse to let turkey of an obligatory intro bit continue. Dead Scream."
Havoc: ^-^ "Oro?"
[And so our MSTfic begins....]
Fanboy's Note: yes, it was only a matter of time before MSTfic 2 spawned a sequelfic. I wish I could say there was much rejoicing...but we all know the fics found in here are the equivalent of AOL-on-DIVX fodder. Once again, kudos and complimentary panties go out to my fellow overlord Havoc, for taking to time to really screw his brain up as he helped me with the many clever riffs & retorts found within. So, let the gratuitous nonsense begin!
TURN THE LIGHTS OUT
BUT REMEMBER: CLAP ON, CLAP OFF!
Lords Chaos & Havoc present
In dissociation with Mystery Science Theatre 3000
A cursed MST production
MSTFIC 3: RIFF HARD WITH A VENGEANCE!!!
Part I: The MSTeducation of the Fanboys
SATELLITE OF LOVE
Wake up, Servo. The Fic has you....
The martial arts battle had not fared well for the heroic robot, Tom Servo. No matter how fast his attacks came, the Agent he fought against could block every single one. And then counterstrike with a blow that would send Tom's gumball machine body tumbling across the deserted subway station.
He knew this wasn't real. He knew this was merely the Fanfix, a virtual Anime construct of some avatar's imagination. But that still didn't mean the punches were harmless to him.
His bubble dome cracked, Servo got up and calmly fingered his opponent before waving the author avatar to try his luck again.
Agent Oscar charged.
Servo immediately leaned forward and let his head make direct and painful contact with both of Agent Oscar's genitalia. From there it was an even fight, Armani-clad avatar trying to beat the lube job out of a robotic MSTier. But no matter how fast Servo was, the Agent was faster.
Servo was thrown across the station, crashing into the wall and then plummeting onto the subway tracks in a downpour of concrete debris. "BOOMSHAKALACA!" Agent Oscar stated emphatically, pulling on the lapels of his black suit before hopping down to join Servo.
Somewhere down the darkened subway tunnel came a loud horn.
Another train was approaching.
Servo had other problems to contend with, though--namely trying to wriggle free of the deadly grip Oscar had placed around his neck.
Agent Oscar continued to relentlessly hold Tom in a headlock. "You hear that?" he said, grinning as he watched the approaching subway train. The sign of the front of the subway car read: Artemis' Lover. "That is the sound of inevitability. Your riffs will do nothing against my fic, and you will be destroyed. Good-bye, Tom."
The MSTier growled as he heard those words. "My name," he hissed. "is Servo."
Defying all conventions and physical laws of fanfiction, Servo managed to push off the ground and send Agent Oscar's head through the tunnel ceiling. Caught by surprise, Oscar released Servo as the two tumbled down onto the subway tracks.
Servo was on his feet--er, hover mode instantly.
Had he actually possessed eyes, they would have widened upon seeing the Artemis' Lover train upon them. Servo vaulted backwards, landing on the edge of the subway platform. The Agent didn't fare as well.
Standing at the base of the escalator, Joel shook his head as he saw Oscar get run over by his own fic...yet again. "How many times are you guys going to do this?" he asked Tom.
"Hey, don't make light of the One," Crowpheus stated, sauntering into the subway station in a custom-made, black trenchcoat (that still looked rather ridiculous on him). "He's the riffer destined to free average joels like us from the Fanfix and its avatar gatekeepers."
Joel rolled his eyes. "We have seriously got to talk about--whoa!" He abruptly winced, closing his eyes and shielding his hands in front of his face. "Gypsy, what's with the black leather catsuit?"
"The bots offered me the part of Trinity," Gypsy replied in her high falsetto voice.
In Joel's mind, a female robot fashioned partly out of a vacuum cleaner, and wearing skintight rubber spandex, was something that definitely fell under the "absolutely no good very bad thing now let us never speak of this again" category. Not to mention her sunglasses had been reduced to one large sunglass that covered her lightbulb for a lens.
Joel sighed as he and his robot companions left the Holocobana. "At least you're not doing that Jack the Riffer scenario again."
"What was so bad about that?" Crow asked, removing his overcoat.
"Terrorizing author avatars with a razor...wit, that is...in a Tokyo that strangely resembles nineteenth century London will not make us well-liked by the general public."
"In case you haven't noticed," Tom said, hovering along next to Gypsy. "We are the general public here, Joel."
Joel had to concede to that point.
Abruptly there was the sound of a phone ringing.
"Speaking of suckers born every minute," Tom quipped. "Sounds like Barnum and Bailey are calling again."
As Gypsy tended to communications array of the Satellite of Love, Joel and the bots walked up to the large viewscreen. Somewhere off in the secret lab of Deep 13, their nemesis was paging them.
"Release the Mads!" Joel sounded off.
"So, Dr. Forrester," Crow remarked as the static on the screen faded. "What ever became of that carnivorous Q-tip idea you had?"
Dr. Evil: "Oh, I'm sorry, but Dr. Forrester's indisposed right now. Care to leave a message that I won't give to him, simply because I'm--"
[Cue the infamous pinky-to-the-lips gesture!]
Dr. Evil: "Evil?"
Joel, Tom and Crow just stood there with their eyes wide in surprise. Every now and again, Joel blinked as if trying to wake himself from the dream. "I must have watched The Spy Who Shagged Me one too many times last night," he said.
"Gypsy, what's Dr. Evil doing on the screen?" Tom asked.
"Maybe we got lucky and tuned into a pay-per-view satellite broadcast," Crow suggested. "Hey, if that's the case, why don't we hack into the GoldenEye satellite, and crash Timbuktu's electrical systems with an EMP!"
Joel returned his attention to the bald, pseudo-Bleofeld megalomaniac. "What are you doing here? Where's Forrester?"
"It's a Mad exchange program," Dr. Evil said stroking his bald cat, Mister Bigglesworth. "Dr. Forrester gets to try to wreck Austin Powers' brain with some kind of 'Shake Your Booty' ChibiChibi Femmebot, and I get to unleash on you a truly insidious fanfic."
Dr. Evil swung his arm and snapped his fingers. "So, show me the lemon!"
Crow gawked at Dr. Evil, evidently not sure if he should laugh or groan. "'Show me the lemon'? Oh, please tell me he's kidding."
Dr. Evil glanced over his shoulder to see a large, laminated poster in Deep 13. One that featured Joel, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot all striking a pose with creamy white moustaches. The caption beneath them read:
After a hard day of reading & riffing
the most stomach-churning fics out on
the Net, it's good to come home to the
Satellite of Love and restore our
digestive tracts back to normal.
got milk of magnesia?
Dr. Evil shook his head. "I was under the assumption that the purpose of being stuck in the Satellite of Love was to constantly torment you to the point of being babbling lunatics," he said. "Not so you guys can merchandize yourselves. That doesn't make the Satellite of Love...evil enough."
"Aw, but these slammer plushies are so cool," Crow sighed, grinning has he looked at a Crow T Robot plushie. Moments later he slammed the plushie on the floor. Upon striking the catwalk, the Crow plushie remarked in a loud voice, "Dickweed!"
Dr. Evil looked down at the plushie, and then up to his grinning MST trio. "Cute, but only quasi-evil at best. Allow me to show you my Mini-Me plushie."
Unfortunately, Dr. Evil mistook the real Mini-Me for the Mini-Me plushie. Mini-Me was not impressed. After making up with another cozy "Just the Two of Us" duet we're not going to showcase, Dr. Evil turned back to the hapless MSTiers. He then noticed his book 'The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Megalomaniacs' was showing onscreen, and quickly tossed it behind his chair.
"Our scheme is more than just a plushie," Joel stated. "We've taken our cue from the everlasting know-it-all, Yogurt, and gone to merchandizing everything we can slap our names onto. With any luck, we'll raise enough funds to have NASA send a space shuttle our way, and rescue us."
Dr. Evil gave a diabolical grin as he stroked his cat. "Oh, sure. But can your NASA do something truly evil and create a bunch of--" His pinky finger went to his lips. "--genetically engineered velociraptors?"
"Isn't that a registered trademark of Michael Crichton, Universal Studios and the NBA?" Crow asked aside to Joel.
"Shhh," Joel whispered. "Don't shatter his disillusions just yet. Wait for a better moment to shoot him down."
Crow feigned disappointment. "But what else can top his 'Deathstar'?"
Joel appraised Dr. Evil's image on the screen. "You know, I can almost see him as Darth Evil."
Meanwhile, Tom was still arguing with Dr. Evil about their escape plan. "It is possible for us to finance our own escape," Tom said. "You should see the things we've got our label signed to these days."
Dr. Evil gestured for them to continue. "Amuse me, my little puppets."
[Cue Joel & the bots appearing behind a booth flying the large banner 'MST FOR THEE.']
Tom: "Presenting the Mystery Science theatre souvenirs you can pick up at the giftshop once you finish reading this fic. Purchase such wonderful products as MST3K: the singing toilet!"
Joel: "MST3K: the Australian beer!"
Crow: "MST3K: the Chinese take-out!"
Joel: "MST3K: the rotary phone!"
Tom: "MST3K: the edible underwear...gee, I should add this to my collection."
Crow: ^-^ "And our piece de resistance, MST3K: the vibrator!"
Dr. Evil: o.O [blink blink!] "The what?"
Crow: [shrug] "Well, if Hello Kitty can get away with making one of these things, I figured--"
Joel: [whapping Crow upside the back of the head] "I don't recall sanctioning *that* toy!"
"I can top this," Dr. Evil stated, getting out from his chair. "You guys think you're all that. Well, I'm here to tell you that I'm hip, I've got mucho mojo, and I'm jiggy with it. I am Evil, hear me roar."
Abruptly, somewhere in the background of Deep 13 came music from the Offspring. Suddenly who should jump onto the screen but--!
Frau: [singing] "You're so evil, baby!"
Number 1: --;; "Wah-ha. Wah-ha."
Dr. Evil: [zapping Number 1 with a cattle prod] "More feeling!"
Cattle prod: *ZAP!*
Number 1: o.O "WAH-HA! WAH-HA!"
Frau: "You're so evil, baby!"
Cattle prod: *ZAP!*
Number 1: o.O "WAH-HA! WAH-HA!"
Dr. Evil: [dressed up in platform shoes & bellbottoms] "And all the Femmebots say I'm pretty fly for a bad guy. Word!"
The view of Deep 13 panned back, revealing offside a groaning Scott Evil. "Dad, what the hell are you doing?" he said. "You're just dissing yourself by singing that song! And what's with the disco fever outfit?!"
Dr. Evil remained unimpressed. "Scott, how many times have I told you not to interrupt my evil affairs with your pointless buzzing. Can't you see I'm live here?"
Scott looked on the screen towards Joel & the bots.
Joel & the bots: ^^ [waving] "Hi, Mom!"
His eyebrow involuntarily twitched. "And why are we wasting time on finding some sort of bad fanfic to break these guys?" he exclaimed. "We've got ICBMs; why don't we just shoot their satellite down?"
"My dear son," Dr. Evil sighed. "You forget your quasi-evilness. The evil is only half-full for you."
Scott: "But Dad--!"
Dr. Evil: "You are the David Hasselhoff of evil, Scott; the Manos of evil. You are the New Evil on the Block."
Scott: [aggravated] "Dad, I--"
Dr. Evil: "I have a Ph.D. in evil, but at best you have a Bachelor of Arts in it. If evil were directors, I would be Miyazaki and you would be Masami Obari."
Scott: --;; "Would you cut that out?! It's reasons like this that you don't get any Christmas cards."
Dr. Evil: [raising his palm to Scott] "Talk to the hand, Scott, 'cause the Evil's not listening."
Left to simply watch the ensuing family feud without any of those stupid surveys, Joel and the bots shook their heads. "This guy's taking the fun right out of riffing," Tom sighed. "He's making it way too easy."
"Maybe we should just go and entertain ourselves with one of the Femmebots," Crow offered.
"What about those machinegun nipples?" Joel asked.
Crow shrugged. "I'll just skip them, and keep to her lower trenches."
He received a cuff across the back of his head for that.
"Well, it's been something other than fun," Joel said, waving to Dr. Evil. "If you don't need us, we'll be on our way now."
Dr. Evil immediately focused his attention on them. "Oooh, you don't get off that easily," he chuckled. "I have here a scorcher of stupidity for you three. I can feel the rash coming on just from thinking about it."
"Doc, Doc, Doc," Tom chided, shaking his gumball machine head. "How many times have we told you to use the baby powder *after* you shower?"
Dr. Evil paused, sulking a little upon realizing he had been slammed much like the Crow T. Robot plushie. "Laugh all you want," he retorted. "But nothing can prepare you for this newest Chaosfic."
His pinky went to the corner of his mouth.
Hysteria: o.O [boing!] "Lucifer Folk-chans are made from people!"
Dr. Evil glanced over his shoulder at the uberkawaii fangirl who had suddenly leapt into the camera's field of vision. "What the hey?"
"Oooh!" Hysteria exclaimed, seizing Mini-Me. "Mini-chan looks just soooo kawaii, ne? Ne? Ne?"
Abruptly the image of Deep 13 disappeared from the screen, replaced with the ominous crackle of static. The caption "Evil difficulties. Please stand by" appeared, accompanied by a cute li'l picture of a Mini-Me wrestling around in a strait jacket.