* * *
"Well, that was a complete waste of five pages," Tom remarked as the trio of MSTiers opted to head back to the Holocabana.
"I don't think Chaos' Urban Legend of Lemnear was half-bad," Crow said.
Joel glanced over at his robotic comrade. "And why would you say that?"
"Any author who unwittingly kills off his entire cast before the killer is unmasked is fine by me," Crow replied. "Saves us from groaning at the obvious yet stupid revelation of who the killer really is."
Just as they were about to disappear down another corridor, the visual connection to Deep 13 was re-established. "We're back!" Dr. Evil exclaimed. "You can't keep a good Mad down."
Tom looked at the suddenly uberkawaii image of Deep 13 being broadcasted on the screen. "What's with the cute, frilly apron?"
"Dr. Evil IS Martha Stewart!" Crow exclaimed triumphantly.
"No, Martha Stewart is just plain evil," Joel corrected him.
"Um, it would appear that the Soilent Mobius Chaosfic didn't survive Hysteria's...tea party," Dr. Evil said uneasily. "Number One tried to commit suicide by eating it."
Somewhere in the background of Deep 13, Hysteria could be heard to happily squeak, "Oooh! Bigglesworth-chan! Bigglesworth-chan!"
"However," Dr. Evil continued. "I do have a back-up fic prepared for such an emergency."
He began to chuckle.
Which made his kawaii frilly apron attire make him look all the more ridiculous.
"Just remember," he told the MSTiers. "There are lemons...and then there are Gundam Wing yaoi lemons!"
"Oooh! Lemon-chan! Lemon-chan!" came Hysteria's voice.
Dr. Evil's eyes widened like a deer caught in someone's headlights as a kawaii shadow fell upon him. He gave a loud shriek moments before the screen abruptly cut to static.
Joel and the bots were given very little time to even ponder the near infinite yield of riffs they could have done in the last few minutes. Lights began to flash and sirens started roaring.
"We've got fanfic signs!" Joel exclaimed.
"Hang on," Tom spoke up. "One of those sounds isn't a siren. It's ping from our radar system."
That got their attention, much like a game of Ro-sham-bo gone wrong. Racing to the bridge found Gypsy staring at one of their systems displays. "I've got either a blip, a ping or some sort of humpback whale song being played at 90RPMs," she reported to them.
Crow's eyes widened as he checked the radar screen. "Something's coming!"
"You sure it's not the humidity readings you're looking at again?" Joel inquired skeptically.
Crow nodded. "It's getting closer, and it's big too. Even bigger than Shatner's ego! It's...a Gundam?"
As if on cue, the entire Satellite of Love shook as a mecha docked at one of its airlocks. Tom and Crow stood motionless next to Joel, who was busy making a dramatic musical score on the timpani.
The airlock door hissed and opened up.
And in stepped Gundam Wing pilot, Hiiro Yui. Hiiro warily looked around the satellite. "Is Treize Kushinada here?"
Joel quickly tossed his timpani mallets, paying no heed to the sound of shattering glass and satellite's abrupt exposure to the outside vacuum of space. "Nope," he said cheerfully. "What can we do for you?"
Hiiro tossed Crow the keys to the Wing Gundam. "Here you go. And be careful when you park it; I just had it waxed."
Just then four other Gundams appeared outside the Satellite of Love. Before the trio could do anything else, there were more docked mobile suits than you could shake a Beam Sabre at.
"I'm impressed the colonies managed to find us a meeting place so far from OZ's patrols," Trowa remarked, sauntering down the hallway.
Wufei shrugged. "So long as they serve Oriental food here, I'm happy."
"Ara ara," Quatre said. "There's nothing like eating a meal from one's homeland to make a soldier remember what they're fighting for."
Duo leisurely stretching out his arms. "Ne, Hiiro, what are you thinking about?"
"I'm just thinking," Hiiro replied evenly.
Duo turned to the MSTiers. "Ever the conversationalist. Ne, where's the restaurant? I could so go for somethin' ta eat!"
Joel, Crow and Tom all looked at each other, and then to the doorway beneath all the blaring yaoific signs.
Joel & the bots: ^^ "That way!"
The next day.... (ooh! Ominous!)
They say the Tokyo Tower is the centre of the Anime universe. If anything big is to ever happen that will change the face of the Earth (though usually and viciously ending all chances for a second season), the Tokyo Tower will act as a gigantic lightning rod for either evil forces, or fate itself.
Destiny is so predictable that way.
And naturally, our author couldn't resist ensuring to give his fanboys yet another bitch of a spin on the Karmic Wheel of Misfortune. For if I can't wantonly abuse my avatars...I'll just leave them with a leather-clad Senshi who can.
^^ I love my job.
Yes, it's true that some people blame me for the death of self-insertion fanfiction. I would be inclined to disagree though, because in my mind self-insertion was already dead, and I'm merely helping clear out the bodies.
Anyhoo, it was a bright and sunny Saturday afternoon. The clouds were few and far between, and the haze from the smoldering remains of Tokyo's Chuo ward (courtesy of a Dragu Slave misfire) was clearing up. That meant it was a great day to go to the Tokyo Tower's observation deck and stare out at the city with the one you loved. Or in Chaos' case, the one girl who could end your self-inserted life with a wave of her enchanted can-opener o' planetary annihilation.
Hotaru giggled as she skipped ahead a few steps before spinning around on her heels. She smiled at Chaos as she showed off her sundress--which, naturally if not ironically enough, was black. "Ne, isn't this great, Chaos-chan?" she asked.
A sweatdrop appeared next to Chaos' head as the kawaii little harbinger of death glomped onto his arm. "Oh...just great. Ne, could you please not try to show off that much cleavage? Haruka has this thing about you providing fanservice for me; it makes her Talisman finger a little twitchy, and I like my head right where it is."
"You don't have to worry about Haruka-poppa and Michiru-momma," Hotaru countered as they continued to tour the deck. "Besides, I know you'll win them over with your natural charm." She smiled, causing Chaos' face to flush (but at least he washed his hands afterwards). "Ne?"
Chaos grinned. "Well, I don't mean to boast. But yes, I am pretty damned sexy when you get right down to it!"
And with much savoir-faire and a suave attitude about him, Chaos turned and ran right into a window. Hotaru sighed and shook her head as Chaos slowly slid down the glass. "Baka Chaos-chan. I might have to ask Setsuna-momma for an extension on our bet; at this rate it'll take at least another month before I can turn you into my ideal koibito."
"What? Now I'm a bet?" Chaos exclaimed in dismay, going teary-eyed on her. "Is that all I am to everyone else in the series?"
Hotaru consolingly patted him on the shoulder. "Daijobu. The bet's just an added bonus. After all, once Haruka-poppa comes to like you, I'm never letting you leave my bedroom."
Chaos: o.O;; "A-Ano ne...."
"Out of curiosity," Chaos added. "If you win the bet, what does Setsuna give you?"
Hotaru handed Chaos a pamphlet to the Blue Sub No.6 Cruise Lines. "Two weeks in the Caribbean with you, me, some sandy beaches...and no adult supervision."
Chaos immediately facevaulted, a large inflatable shark crashing down on top of him moments later. An SD Beans then bounded across the scene, happily flinging octopi into the air like rice at a wedding.
"Yare yare," sighed a voice behind him. "Now there's a vacation plan more ill-advised than Miyuki-chan making a stopover in Clamp's Wonderland."
Chaos' eyes narrowed. "I know that mocking voice anywhere," he growled, peeling his face off the floor. "You'll pay for that, Pesti-chan!"
He spun around and leapt to his feet...and promptly collided with the observatory windows yet again. Standing offside, Pesti-chan and Makoto absently watched Chaos squeak down the glass pane once more.
"He's leaving streaks," Makoto sighed.
Suddenly Chaos popped back up, reduced to teary Bambi-eyed mode as he clung to the fair Mako-chan's supple calves. "Mako-chaaaaan!" he sniffled. "How could you just abandon me to make an idiot of myself?"
"You're doing a wonderful job without my help!" Makoto exclaimed, vehemently trying to shake him off.
Chaos was immediately dogpiled by six SD Pesti-chans. Legs, arms and heads were sticking out in every direction--not to mention Makoto felt herself subjected to a very familiar draft.
SD Pesti #3: ^-^ "Hotcha!"
Other SD Pesti's: [stomping on #3] "FREAK!!"
Hotaru massaged her head as Chaos and the Pesti-chan's got into yet another scuffle. And this one was attracting a lot of attention from the other tourists. "The concepts of Chaos and quiet just don't seem to go together," she lamented.
"At least you managed to get some time alone with him," Makoto said, placing her hand on Hotaru's shoulder.
The raven-haired Senshi seemed surprised at that. "You're cheering me on?"
Makoto shrugged. "The more time he spends with you, the more free time Kamui-chan and I can have without him cutting in."
"So there's a method to the madness after all," Hotaru said, nodding to herself. She looked over at Chaos, who was currently running from a stampede of Pesti-chans. "Maybe I'll figure out his method one day."
"Don't push yourself," Makoto replied, wincing as she watched Chaos valiantly face his opponents by flinging himself into the postcard rack.
Just then, a sugar-shocking voice resounded across the observation deck, causing both Hotaru and Makoto to wince in diabetic pain:
"Oooh! Hotaru-momma! Makoto-momma!"
Hysteria came bounding up to the two young ladies. "Wah! You're here to see the kawaii view of kawaii little Tokyo-chan too, ne? Ne? Ne?"
Hotaru noticed something squirming in Hysteria's arms. "Ano...what's with the bald cat?" she asked.
Hysteria beamed. "Isn't Bigglesworth-chan just sooooo kawaii?"
"If you'll excuse me," Pesti-chan said, sidestepping the other two avatars present. "I think I hear the Fourth Wall shattering again."
Chaos was suddenly clobbered by an oversized brick.
Hysteria: [blink blink!] "Chaos-poppa, daijobu?"
Chaos: --;; [squished li'l fanboy] "No-chan."
But lucky for everyone else, something "oh so kawaii" caught Hysteria's attention at the ice cream stand. She excitedly threw Mister Bigglesworth up into the air and bounded over to the stand. "Oooh! Ice cream-chan! Ice cream-chan!"
A startled Makoto managed to catch Mr. Bigglesworth on his descent. However, Makoto didn't manage to catch a smoking fanboy in his own descent. With an unceremonious "thud!" Desolation discovered what the taste of floorwax was like.
Chaos pulled the lost fanboy back onto his feet, and began to dust Desolation off. Upon seeing just how much of Desolation was now covered in ash, Chaos opted for an industrial-strength dustbuster.
"Who's he?" Makoto asked, looking to Pesti-chan.
"Unlucky bastard," Pesti-chan glibly replied. "We just call him Desolation; he's a friend of ours."
Hotaru leaned closer to appraise Desolation. "He's a little two-dimensional."
"That's probably because a Totoro sat on him," Chaos replied. He paused to appraise the treadmarks on Desolation's backside. "Or else the Nekobus parked on him again."
Desolation coughed out a kawaii li'l smoke cloud. "All I wanted to do was find a way out of the Clamp Campus's gift shop," he lamented. "So I took the elevator to go up to the next floor. The next thing I know, I walk into princess Hinoto's room, where her seven sky dragons turned me into strips of shredded beef!"
Fairy Godbabbit: "I told you to not to use your "Get Out Of Smite Free' card last Tuesday when you met that wandering pudding who happened to be a black belt in the martial arts. But did you listen? Noooo! And now you're regretting it."
Desolation: "Oh, and like you were of any help when that Wind of Amnesia came along two days ago. You thought you were a T-Rexaur for an hour. There were pieces of me all over the OVA by the time you regained your Babbitness!"
Fairy Godbabbit: "Hey, I flossed your duodenum out from between my teeth, didn't I?"
Everyone sweatdropped as Desolation and his Babbit squabbled with each other. "Ano...just who are you talking to, Desolation?" Chaos asked.
"My Fairy Godbabbit," Desolation replied simply. "Who else?"
Hotaru blinked a few times in surprise, uncertain of how to interpret that.
"Oooookaaaaaaay," Makoto said cautiously, nodding as if she understood.
"Been hit by one too many Gundam colonies, have we?" Pesti-chan inquired.
Desolation: [turning to the Babbit] "Na ni?"
Fairy Godbabbit: ^-^ "Did I forget to mention only you can see me?"
Desolation: [chasing after the Babbit] "What are you?! A demon sent to deepen my psychosis?!"
Fairy Godbabbit: [consulting its contract] "Well, that is one of the qualifications listed here."
"He really has become two lesbians short of a Rule Three, hasn't he?" Pesti-chan remarked, watching Desolation apparently chase something across the ceiling.
He got clubbed with an umbrella for that one.
"Sukebe," Chaos snapped.
"Itai!" the overlord squeaked, rubbing his head. "Gomen, that must have been number three talking. I swear I'm becoming more schizophrenic with each fic, now that I can do that multi-Urd thing."
Pesti-chan's eyes slowly trailed off to the elevator lobby as he saw Rei, Usagi, Minako and Ami step onto the observation deck. "And...and what are they doing here?"
"Obligatory cameo bits?" Chaos ventured.
Usagi spotted them and happily tried to flag them down. However the only thing to go down was Usagi, as she tripped over a yowling Mr. Bigglesworth.
"Usagi-chan no aaaaaka," Rei sighed.
Usagi picked herself off the floor, rubbing her sore butt. "You're so mean, Rei-chan!"
By this time, everyone had regrouped and conveniently formed a very conspicuous magnet for strange and evil things to be inexplicably drawn towards. It's a magical girl thing, ne?
"So what brings you ladies here?" Pesti-chan asked the other Inner Senshi.
"You mean you didn't send us these notes?" Ami asked, surprised by this curious turn of events.
Chaos and Pesti-chan shook their heads as they appraised the note in question; apparently they had invited the others to the Tokyo Tower. "We're both on dates," Pesti-chan said. "We'd prefer the privacy."
"Um...I'm not sure," Chaos countered, uneasily looking down at Hotaru--who happily had her arms wrapped around his waist.
Minako sulked at that. "That means I just wasted two hours that could have been spent feeling up my Na-chan."
[Cue the facevaults!]
"Chaos-chan," Hotaru said, insistently pulling on Chaos' sleeve. "We still have go shopping for some new evening gowns after this. We should be going now."
Everyone slowly turned to Chaos.
"They're for her!" he protested.
Everyone continued to stare at him.
"Okay, some for me too," he conceded. "But we really should go before the purse sale ends. They have this fabulous red--"
Suddenly, the plot thickened if not neatly congealed!
Yes indeed, something worth mentioning in this fic occurred as the elevator doors opened, and a legion of commando "Shake Your Booty" ChibiChibi Hyperboomers stormed onto the observation deck. The Inner Senshi instantly pulled out their henshins--but before we had a chance to launch into yet another gratuitous two-minute transformation sequence, their magical girls contract was abruptly nullified.
Now able to intervene, the HyperBoomers seized any henshin they could find. And then seized the Senshi. Even Hotaru was grabbed and taken away in the scuffle.
Now had they not been stomped on by all the HyperBoomers during this melee, Chaos and Pesti-chan would have surely done something heroic and inspiring. But they were still being quite the inspiration as they opted to go into stealth mode and pretended to be floor tiles.
Ensuring they wouldn't get caught by the HyperBoomers, Chaos and Pesti-chan leaped over one of the souvenir counters. But Chaos just couldn't resist poking his head out to grab one of the 'Tokyo Tower: Yours To Exploit' hats. From their vantage point in cowering behind the counter, the two overlords could see the Senshi being carefully segregated from the other people. In fact, a few other stray magical girls had gotten caught and were being rounded up too.
"So much for St. Tail and Galaxy Fraulein Yuna," Chaos muttered, ducking back down as yet another roving ChibiChibi HyperBoomer patrolled past them. "And Yuri just seems content to devour everything at the ice cream stand."
"I thought these kinds of Boomers were uncontrollable," Pesti-chan hissed. "Who in their right mind would keep dancing, killer robots with ChibChibi programs?"
"Evidently someone found a way to control them," Chaos retorted, adjusting his cap. "Ne, you don't think we're royally screwed now, do you?"
Just then, the obvious leader of this escapade strolled out from one of the elevators and stood at the centre of the observation deck. "Ra-du-ries an-du gen-tal-me-ne," he stated loudly (and in badly pronounced English too).
Pesti: [wince!] "Shimatta. We've been captured by TigerEye."
Chaos: --;; "I hate being his ta-ru-ge-tsu."