*          *          *

          There ain't no hentai like an H Club Hentai

          The H Club 7 were giving a special performance as a part of their "Live from the Ladies' Onsen" tour. Havoc-kun, Kintaro, Megumi Amano, Minni-May, Jyako Amano, Charon and Havoc-chan were all on stage and leading a rousing party at the Planet Hentai...followed immediately by a rousing frolic in the Jello wrestling pit.
          No article of womens' underwear was safe.
          As she pushed open the front doors of Planet Hentai, Pandemonium smugly remembered that she didn't wear any panties. That became a moot point moments later when she found herself being groped by Mido Miko and the Cheshire Cat.
          "Hey, Pan-chan!" Havoc-kun shouted, flagging her over to the Benkyo Brigade's private table. "Come on down and join us for some Happoccinoes!"
          Pandemonium glanced back to the other AD Police officers accompanying her. "Come on," she said. "And if I so much as catch any one of you letting your gaze drift towards a bosom, you're mine for the strip searching."
          She made her way through the masses of roller-skating waitresses, dancing Anime characters, and the more-than-occasional rampant pervert. Her eyebrow began to do some serious twitching upon seeing a cheerful Dr. Tofu doing an oil rubdown and shiatsu massage to a looooong line of Variable Geo waitresses (who were complaining of back problems).
          "Happoccino?" Megumi inquired when she finally reached the table.
          Pandemonium shook her head and declined the offer. "Otoka-san, I'm here to talk business."
          Havoc-kun nodded seriously. "Hai hai. You're here about the threesome with Nene Romanov and Toilet Hanako. Now Hanako-chan has some ground rules for--"
      &nˆbsp;   "That's not it at all!" Pandemonium exclaimed. Her gaze caught sight of Dr. Tofu again. "And what is he, of all people, doing here?"
          "Tofu-sensei?" Minni-May remarked, smiling and waving to him. "Nagumo made him Planet Hentai's official in-house doctor. He's quite popular with the ladies."
          Charon nodded in agreement. "Rumour has it he's going to be made the Ogenki Clinic's chief doctor next month."
          Pandemonium facevaulted at that. But because of her ample cleavage, she bounced right back.
          "By the way," Havoc-chan added, thumbing over her shoulder to the Jello wrestling pit. "I've got some Variable Geo waitresses who are wondering if you've received their love letters/challenges."
          Pandemonium's face went flustered. "Otoka-san!" she hissed. "I'm on official AD Police business here. You're embarrassing me in front of my subordinates."
  nbsp;       "What subordinates?" Jyako asked, pointing behind her.
          Pandemonium turned around--and facevaulted upon seeing all her fellow officers (even the females) getting jiggy and jiggly with it on the dance floor.
          "This isn't a game," she stated, turning back to the Benkyo Brigade. "Some idiot's taken over the Tokyo Tower, and one of his demands is that we deliver you to him."
          Havoc-kun's Chichiri grin disappeared. "I'm no yaoi subscriber!" he protested emphatically. "Talk to the Elf and that harem of hers if you want a yaoi scene."

          [Fanboy's Note: in case you haven't the slightest idea what yaoi means, it's essentially the male version of Rule 3. But since I prefer my lesbians, go talk to Sarcasm if you want more information.]

          "Otoka-san no baka!" Pandemonium retorted, exasperated already with her perverted creator. "All this guys wants is for you and some of your friends to read a fanfic. You have to leave with me right--"
          But her speech was abruptly cut short by yet another colourful demonstration of Kacchu Tenshin Amapantiken. "Hotcha!" Havoc-chan exclaimed triumphantly, waving a blue outfit in the air. "Look whose
uniform I've got!"
          A now nekkid Pandemonium's eyes widened as she felt a reeeeally big draft sweep past her. She tried in vain to cover herself--but with bosoms like hers, it took a hand to cover most of each breast.
          At the risk of stating the obvious, Planet Hentai went wild. Patrons and entertainers gave Pandemonium a standing ovation and deafening cheers as she found herself without apparel. The entire group of female Aika guards on duty swooned upon seeing the AD Police Commander now 'debriefed'.
          "Oh, a cute babe!" Carrot Glaces exclaimed, bounding across the tables towards her. "Let's date!"
          Carrot was abruptly slammed into the table as Ryo Saeba cut him off (and thus saving Tira & Chocolate the trouble of whipping the feckless Carrot). The City Hunter had one of his patented stupid grins as he happily leapt into Pandemonium's arms--er, bosoms.

Ryo: ^-^ "Mokkori!"

Kaori: [clobbering Ryo with a 100t mallet] "Get your perverted butt back here!"

          Pandemonium glared at Havoc-chan as she did a full body blush. "Otoka-san, give that back! I'm still on duty."
          Havoc-chan twirled the uniform around her index finger, poised on the edge of the Jello wrestling pit. "Come and get it, Pan-chan."
          "Okay, that's it!" she snapped, unleashing her naughty tentacles of justice. "You're going down! And I don't mean in the fun 'spank me' kind of way!"
          Pandemonium charged, her tentacles ready to strike. However, Havoc-chan adeptly sidestepped her. And so the nekkid Pandemonium toppled right into the Jello wrestling pit.
          Havoc-chan quickly followed.
          Aika girls and Variable Geo waitresses were right behind her.
          There was fanservice.
          And it was good.

Happosai: [watching Pandemonium] "Much hentai in her. Like her otoka-san."

Charon: "Was he any different when he taught you?"

          [The two look down at the rampant Rule 3.]

Both: [leaping into the Jello pit!] "For the glory of the uberperv!"

*          *          *

          Isn't this starting to look like an episode of Law & Order?

          The elevator doors opened up.
          And with ChibiChibi HyperBoomers as their escort, Dark Mayhem, Carnage and Havoc stepped onto the floor. Actually, Havoc bounced into the corridor via Carnage's head. And subsequently Carnage tried to Mos Varim the pervert. Havoc easily dodged the attack. Numerous ChibChibi HyperBoomers did not fare as well against the ice spell attack.
          Not the loss of said Boomers really worried the fanboys.
          Or the author for that matter.

Dark Mayhem: "You know, it's rants like this that ensures our author will never get any letters of recommendation from his characters."

Carnage: ^^ "But I like his style, none the less!"

Dark Mayhem: "Carnage, put down the Beam Sabre."

Carnage: [kawaii Bambi eyes!] "Ano...can't I just pick off one the weak and annoying Boomers?"

Dark Mayhem: "No. Hand me the Beam Sabre."

Carnage: --;; [handing the weapon over to Dark Mayhem] "You never let me have any fun."

Dark Mayhem: "My idea of fun doesn't include Mass Destruction on a continental scale."

Carnage: [sweatdrop!] "Just continents?"

Pesti: [eyebrow twitch!] "Anytime you want to resume the fic would be fine by me, guys."

          "Oh, they got you guys after all?" Dark Mayhem remarked as he saw Pesti-chan already there, seated on the ground. The uber exploder fanboy glanced up to see Chaos duct-taped to the ceiling. "Ah, and I see Chaos has made himself right at home too."
          "This wasn't my idea!" Chaos exclaimed irately, trying to squirm free of the adhesive strips. "I just know this guy is conspiring with Beans to stop me from reclaiming her lake god--which as we all know is rightfully--!"

          [Cue the terrified flying octopus!]

Octopus: o.O *SPLAT!!*

          Carnage shook his head as he watched Chaos sport a strange new toupee. "Yare yare. You guys have been busy accomplishing absolutely nothing, I see."
          Pesti-chan glumly shrugged. "We were on the observation deck when it got taken over by those commando Hyperboomers. As far as we know, Hotaru and all the Inner Senshi are still down on there with the other hostages."

Carnage: [nodding] "Mhm, I can see tthat; good tactical plan. My question, though, is what's with the pretty-boy shorts?"

Pesti: --;; [aw, ain't he dressed so kawaii?] "The ChibiChibi Boomers made me put them on. I don't even want to know why."

Dark Mayhem: [evil fanged grin] "Aw, but you look so cute! It's like having another Nino-kun without Asahina and her Shouta Complex."

Pesti: [grrr!] "Rumblequake."

          As Dark Mayhem let himself air out after getting zapped by Pesti-chan's smite, Carnage used a Fireball spell to free Chaos from the duct-tape. However, Carnage also forgot just how flammable Chaos was along with the tape.
          "You did that deliberately, you pyro," Chaos muttered darkly, now just a charred li'l otaku.
          Carnage grinned. "Hai! I figure if I can't smite the HyperBoomers, you make a good Plan B."
          "I don't exactly appreciate it either way!" Chaos snapped, dusting himself off. He paused momentarily as heeard a curious H Club 7 song playing in the background. "So, any ideas what our captors want?"
          "Apparently the malnourished brain behind this operation wants us to read a fanfic," Dark Mayhem replied with a shrug. "Hardly worth getting everyone all riled up."
          "Unless it's MST-related," Pesti-chan said.
          "If it's Forrester, he shall pay dearly for this," Carnage muttered. "The last thing I want to do with my Saturday night is read a badly written Sailor Moon fanfic."
          Dark Mayhem nodded in agreement. "Hai hai. If we wanted that, we'd just help edit your Bakuretsu City Hunter fic, Chaos."
          "Or his Gunbuster Cats Chaosfic," Carnage added.
          "Or his Ping Pon Poko Club Chaosfic," Pesti-chan agreed. "I mean, toilet-humoured, Ping Pong-playing Tanuki? What kinda story is that?"

Havoc: ^-^ "Hotcha! What about my Battle Lakers EX/1999 Havocfic?"

Fanboys: [punting Havoc down the hall] "WERE WE ASKING YOU?!"

          Chaos stuck out his tongue at the others. "Pida! You just don't know high-quality art when you read it."
          "I suppose that makes us even, then," Dark Mayhem retorted.
          Abruptly the ChibiChibi HyperBoomers all stepped back, revealing a mysterious figure shrouded in darkness. Mistaking it for Professor Tomoe (and his ever-clinging, hammerspace facial shadow), Chaos immediately bounded over and babbled something about how it was Hotaru who made the last pass at him, and that he'd already been punished by Haruka and Michiru over it, so if he could please not be severely injured any more, he would greatly appreciate it.
          Thankfully, for the sake of saving space in this already ridiculously huge MSTfic plot-laying section, Carnage whapped Chaos upside the back of the head with his Zanba sword.
          "Itaaaiii!" Chaos sniffled, his kawaii kitty ears popping up.
          But the real surprise came moments later, when a demure chuckle came from the villain in question. Seconds later a hand snaked its way along Chaos' cheek.
          "Ha-o-we key-oo-t," a definitely male voice purred. "You know you're so kawaii when you go nekojin."
          Needless to say, Chaos recoiledn terror.

Chaos: o.O [aghast li'l fanboy] "KYAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

Dark Mayhem: [blink blink!] "What the hey?"

          "I've been waiting a long time to meet you fanboys," their terrorist host stated. "At last, my moment of triumph has arrived."
          And out from the shadows stepped...a bishounen absurdly dressed in many long, silken black robes. He ran his hand through his tresses of light blue hair, smiling at the fanboys. "Gu-da e-va-nee-ng," he said, causing the fanboys to wince yet again at the butchered English pronunciation. "I am Drakkar Noir, your obligatory nemesis for this

Pesti: [aside to Dark Mayhem] "Drakkar Noir? Isn't that a men's cologne?"

Dark Mayhem: [shrug!] "You know how Anime characters are given strange names like this. Bakuretsu Hunter has everyone named after cakes, like Tira and Chocolate Misu."

Chaos: "Most of the characters in Rayearth are named after cars, like Eagle and Precia."

Carnage: "Lamunes & 40 Fresh has the villainesses named after alcoholic drinks, like Tequila and Liqueur."

Havoc: ^-^ "And Urotsuki Doji has one too. Amano Jyako's entire name means 'perverse person'!!"

Fanboys: "SHADDUP HAVOC!!"

          Pesti-chan shook his head as they watched Drakkar Noir coo over himself in a hand-mirror. "So this is our obligatory nemesis. He doesn't seem all that terrifying."
          "Bad English aside," Carnage added.
          Drakkar Noir smirked, and then winked at Chaos. "Oh, did I forget to mention that I'm for men only?"

Fanboys: o.O "......"

          "Oh great," Carnage said, rolling his eyes. "A yaoi boy."
          Dark Mayhem shrugged. "Well, technically that's what's on a label of Drakkar Noir: For Men." He shook his head. "Why couldn't Drakkar have been a nubile Anime babe?"
          "Like I want a male villain making a pass at me," Pesti-chan said, deliberately stepping in behind Chaos. "It's taken me two seasons of fics to just get Chaos off my back. I don't want Mister Yaoi-boy making my dating life with Mako-chan difficult all over again!"
          Havoc scowled. "And here Pan-chan told me there would be no yaoi involved with this MSTfic. Oooh, she's going to get quite the spanking when this is over."
          He flicked his wrist, and suddenly was gripping Pandemonium's AD Police uniform.

          [Somewhere outside....]

Crowd: o.O "Ooooh!"

Leon: o.O "Wow. Those really aren't fake after all."

Pandemonium: [nekkid & blushing] "OTOKA-SAAAAAAAN!!!"


          Chaos sniffed indignantly as he appraised Drakkar Noir's wardrobe selection. "I look cuter, and have waaay better fashion sense than this guy."
          The other fanboys slowly looked down to the mini-skirt Chaos was wearing.

Dark Mayhem: "He has a point there."

Carnage: [sweatdrop!] "But is the fact that Chaos shaves his legs on a daily basis a good thing?"

Pesti: [blink blink!] "Well, it's something all right."

          "You're all just so cute when you overreact," Drakkar Noir stated, letting himself get lifted up by some of his ChibiChibi HyperBoomers. "But alas, there is someone else my heart belongs to. You see, many years ago I wanted to become Dr. Forrester's assistant, but did I? Noooo! When the time came to audition for a new assistant, I lost out to
TV's Frank instead."
          The great and evil Drakkar (all hail his yaoiness!) snorted indignantly. "TV's Frank, indeed! More like TV's Frank-enstein. I thought Dr. Forrester looked soooo kawaii when he was trying to take over the world."
          "You think Dr. Forrester's cute?" Carnage inquired.
          Drakkar Noir nodded emphatically, smiling to himself. "Oh, he's so damned cute! I wanted to take over his world...but instead he made Frank his personal lackey."

Drakkar Noir: [anguished bishounen bit] "Oh, why must life be so cruel towards me? What is it about my beauty he found so daunting?"

Dark Mayhem: "Does this guy strike anyone else as being the whole damn basket short of a picnic?"

Carnage: [argh!] "We just attract all the weirdoes to our fics, don't we?"

          Drakkar Noir regained his composure, and straightened out his robes. "No matter, though...because now it's my turn to laugh insidiously. I'm going to do what Dr. Forrester could never do: take over the world!!!"
          And he surely would have broken into a maniacal fit of bishounen cackling had one of the HyperBoomers not entered the scene in a colourful costume change. One which implied an uncanny fashion sense that could only be described as 'just plain wrong.'
          Drakkar's eyebrow twitched. "What's with the overly-cute apron?"
          "Chibi," the HyperBoomer said. With one hand, it raised a sign that said: *We found this one in the ice cream.*
          And with its other hand, it hoisted up Hysteria.

Hysteria: ^-^ "Ooooh! Ohayo, minna-chans! Hysteria's just soooo happy to be here, ne? Ne? Ne?"

Fanboys: --;; "......"

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