* * *
"It's my lake god," Beans sighed wistfully, stroking the glass
panels of the aquarium on her dresser top. "My lake god. All mine!
Mine, I tell you!"
The water burbled an evidently unimpressed response.
"Hush, you," Beans stated, wagging a finger at the water. "You're
*my* mascot now, and nothing will change that."
Seconds later a piece of kelp shot out from the aquarium,
wrapping around Beans' head and yanking her face into the water. Beans
thrashed around frantically as water splashed in every direction.
"Nothing short of your unfortunate demise, mind you," Dark Mayhem
remarked, leaning over and freeing Beans from the lake god's killer
attack kelp. "Might I remind you this is her body, Chaos. Under normal
circumstances, I'd tell you to do in here nothing you would do in our
series. However, right now I want to do nothing, period."
Beans spat out a bunch of water. "Stupid mascot can't take a
hint." Her eyes drifted over to her desk, where a computer was
patiently awaiting to be used. "Sugoi!" Beans exclaimed, leaping into
the chair. "I've never had the chance to try out Beans' Yggdrasil
Dark Mayhem shook his head. "There had better be a way for me to
get absolved from this whole damned mess."
"You can leave now, Mayhem," Beans said, waving Dark Mayhem away.
The uber exploder fanboy laughed. "Yeah, right. Like I'd leave
you in Beans' series unattended. Carnage will let me know when I have
to be back in Fanboys; until then, I'm not letting you run amok here."
Abruptly his beeper went off.
Dark Mayhem checked the message, and grimaced. "Kuso! Our
author's back at the fic. I'll need to call Carnage; see how long I can
stay here until His lordship Chaos gets suspicious, or else when Beans
returns to check on College Life. Can I trust you to not screw up this
fanfic in the two minutes I'm gone?"
He paused and considered his words. "I'll be back in twenty
"Don't mind me," Beans called from her place in front of the
computer screen. "Ne, where do you think she keeps all the secret
Haruka and Michiru hentaifics she's written? Imagine the blackmail I
could get with those babies!"
Rolling his eyes, Dark Mayhem walked out of the dorm room in
search of a quiet place to use his cellular phone. Beans looked up as
another student knocked on the door, strolling in just as Dark Mayhem
"Dan?" she said, recognizing the fellow college student from
Dan glanced back at the uber exploder otaku. "Who was that?"
"Exchange student," Beans replied, working her magic on
Yggdrasil's keyboard. "Say, Dan, would you happen to know where I'd
keep all the hidden Haruka hentaifics on this computer?"
Dan gave her a funny look. "Hen...tai?"
Curious, Dan leaned over Beans' shoulder and looked at her work.
Numerous windows were being set up all over the screen, lines of codes
and data running around like Carrot Glaces chasing after a cute young
lady. And judging by the way Beans was randomly clicking the mouse, she
didn't seem to really know what she was doing.
"Um, Beans, are you absolutely sure you should be doing that?"
"I know what I'm doing!" Beans asserted, pounding away randomly
at the keyboard. "It's my Yggdrasil; I'm not an idiot when it comes to
using my own computer."
Suddenly a large message flashed across Yggdrasil's screen:
YOU HAVE JUST ERASED THE ENTIRE HARD DRIVE.
HAVE A NICE DAY! ;)
Beans swallowed hard. "Oooh, that's gonna cost me."
* * *
Chaos' eyes fluttered open as he--er, she felt something licking
his cheek. Rampage was sitting there next to him, smiling and chirping
"Ohayo, Rampage," Chaos said, scratching beneath Rampage's chin.
The SD Godzilla-thingy squealed happily at the attention, her tail
thumping on Chaos' mattress.
Stretching him--er, herself out, Chaos got out of bed. Okay, so
that was his first time sleeping in a "baby doll" nightie. Not exactly
uncomfortable by any means; but even still....
Chaos ran a hand through his long brown, Relena Peacecraft hair.
"I suppose I should turn male again," he--er, she sighed. Chaos pulled
out the henshin, and did the usual transformation sequence.
At first, Chaos tried to covered his chest--and then realized
that in 'his' current state, he didn't have breasts to cover.
Awkwardly, he swung his arms and tried to act nonchalant about the
breeze across his stomach. Opting for just an open shirt and jeans, he
strolled into the living room of the fanboys' apartment. Rampage
contentedly remained perched on his shoulder.
"Ohayo, Mayhem," Chaos said with a yawn. "Ohayo, Pesti-chan.
"Ohayo," Hotohori said in between mouthfuls of miso soup.
Chaos abruptly stopped and blinked, glancing back at the Suzaku
Seishi. "Hotohori?! What's he doing here? I thought Sarcasm was with
Xellos last night."
"Key word there being 'was'," Dark Mayhem replied, looking up
from the wok. "Hotohori's here to make her breakfast in bed. Care for
an omelette? Some miso soup? Some Togenkyo Island Iced Tea?"
"Hai," Chaos groaned, massaging his temples. "I don't think I can
take any more of this fic sober."
"Then how about trying some Hard-On Lemonade!" female Havoc said,
dropping right onto Chaos' head.
"SHIN'NE!!!" Chaos bellowed, pulling himself out from the floor
and delivering a swift cow to Havoc-chan. Unfortunately, this
subsequent impact caused yet another Cream Lemon explosion that wiped
out the entire apartment in white.
Chaos: --;; "I swear I'm gonna get that little pervert one day."
Dark Mayhem: [beneath an umbrella] "You know, Carnage keeps saying
those exact words at least twelve times a day."
Rampage: ^^ "CHU CHU!"
Abruptly Pesti-chan popped up behind him, grabbing hold of
Rampage and yanking the SD Godzilla-thingy off his shoulder. Chaos
winced. "Oh, right. Forgot about that. Gomen!"
"Daijobu," Pesti-chan said, setting Rampage down on the kitchen
counter and leaving the SD Godzilla-thingy to devour the whipped cream.
"I doubt we'll be able to control her without Anarchy around. Rampage
can tell already that you're not...'him'."
"Ah, ohayo, Duo!" a female voice called out.
Chaos looked around, and caught a glimpse of Makoto working with
Dark Mayhem in the kitchen. "Na ni? What's Makoto doing here?"
"Mako-chan," Pesti-chan corrected her.
"Hai hai. What's *my* Mako-chan doing here?"
"Kamui-chan and Carrot has asked me yesterday if I could help
them make a meal for lunch," Makoto replied, hard at work cutting up a
series of vegetables on the counter.
Chaos took a deep breath, and then gave the biggest set of Bambi
eyes that he could muster. "Really? Mako-chan, you came to make me
breakfast? You really do care for me! Let's date!!"
Seconds later he was buried beneath a mound of falling cabbages.
"Hey!" he snapped as he surfaced beneath the green balls o' vegetables.
"What was that for, Pesti-chan? I said his lines right, didn't I?"
Dark Mayhem shrugged as he walked over to the dining table. "Goes
with the territory. Incidentally, the Bambi eyes were a nice touch."
"Think it's enough to fool your author?" Chaos muttered, tenderly
rubbing the swelling bump on his head.
"Maybe," Dark Mayhem replied. "Carnage, how are we doing?"
Still at the computer, numerous used cups of Japanese green tea
littering his work area, Carnage shook his head. "Nope. Rescinding a
wish from Yggdrasil is like trying to make sense of the End of
Evangelion: not going to happen in this life or the next one."
Chaos groaned. "Great! Just great!" he snapped, throwing his arms
into the air. "Now how am I going to get back to my dorm room?"
He spun around--and came face to face with the fair Mako-chan.
Chaos' hands were mere inches from her breasts, and nervously Chaos
glanced down at Makoto's well endowed bosoms. "A-Ano...."
"Chaos!" Pesti-chan hissed, deliberately motioning to Makoto's
chest. "As much as I never thought I'd hear myself say this, grope
"No!" Chaos hissed back. "I refuse to do something that ecchi to
a Sailor Senshi!"
"But it's one of Chaos' disorders," Dark Mayhem countered,
stirring something in a bowl as he nonchalantly walked on by. "If you
don't grope Makoto, then our author will know something's up. He's
"Duo, daijobu?" Makoto asked, visibly concerned for the agitated
Hotohori shook his head. "I cannot believe you people would
encourage such things. Besides, since I am the most beautiful guy here,
I should be the one to grasp her breasts."
"WERE WE ASKING YOU?!" the fanboys snapped.
Chaos growled, a little raincloud appearing over his head and
abruptly striking him with a bolt of lightning. "I can't wait to get
my own body back," he muttered. He closed his eyes and braced himself
as he reached out and glomped onto Makoto's bosoms.
Makoto blinked, a confused look on her face as she looked first
to Chaos and then down to his hands cupping her breasts. Her lips moved
as if to say something, but nothing came out. Finally she turned and
walked back into the kitchen.
The other fanboys exchanged uneasy glances with each other. "Why
didn't you punch him through the ceiling?" Dark Mayhem asked quietly,
returning to the kitchen.
"I don't know," Makoto said, trying to comprehend the phenomenon
herself. "It's strange saying this, but somehow when he groped me, it
just didn't feel like Duo. And I don't think I objected either."
Dark Mayhem: [eyebrow twitch!] "And we're busted."
Pesti: [smirk] "Pardon the pun, ne, Mayhem?"
Dark Mayhem: "Just shut the hell up, okay?"
Abruptly Carnage sat up in his computer chair. "Ne, guys...if
we're all here, then who's keeping an eye on 'Beans'?"
Chaos' eyebrow developed a sudden twitch. "M-Masaka! You left him
alone in my series?!"
Dark Mayhem coughed discreetly into his palm. "*Ahem* Not
exactly. Before I left, I took the liberty of leaving someone on patrol
Chaos warily eyed the uber exploder fanboy. "Who?"
* * *
With a great yawn, Beans stretched out her arms as she emerged
from beneath her bedsheets. With a strange bounce to her every step,
she proceeded to shower up and look every bit as impressive as she
"Hey, this is the first time I can wear a dress and get away with
it!" she remarked cheerfully, now having raided the closet for its best
clothes. It was nice for Michiru to have purchased all these elegant
ones for her. "I think I could get to like it in College Life!"
"What the...?" mumbled Alex, glancing out from beneath her own
set of covers. "Beans, just what are you doing up so early? And since
when did you ever dress up like that?"
With a giggle, Beans skipped over to the aquarium, happily
humming "Give a Reason" to herself. After a few minutes of bonding with
the lake god--and drying off her hair after it spritzed water in her
face--Beans decided to make the most of that old Latin motto: Carpe
Diem (seize the day). Or barring that, Carpe Carp (seize the fish).
But since she already had a lake god as *her* mascot, she was
content to look around. Winter was still upon the college, snow being
"Sugoi!" she sighed to herself. "No panty raids from Havoc, no
explosions from Carnage, no one smiting me at all, and even better: no
more dominatrix babes whipping me!"
Beans turned around, and since she had such a dumb grin on her
face as well as having her eyes closed, she ran right into someone.
Actually, into someone's breasts. The ensuing Gainax bounce caused her
to tumble backwards onto the hall floor.
"Itaiiii," she muttered, rubbing her head. "What was that?"
Hysteria: ^-^ "Ohayo, Bean-momma!"
It took a good ten seconds for Beans to recover from the shock of
seeing Hysteria in College Life. And it took a good minute to get over
the shock of seeing Hysteria's bosoms stop jiggling about thirsty
seconds after the impact.
"Na n?!" Beans hissed. "Hysteria, what the hell are you doing
here? And how can the breasts of a ten-year-old girl like you still be
moving?" Her eyebrows furrowed. "You're not related to Naga, are you?"
Hysteria only giggled, her arms grappling affectionately around
Beans' neck. "Oooh! Bean-poppa, Hysteria's been waiting for so many
kawaii little hours for you to wake up! She's been having a kawaii
little tea party-chan with kawaii little Dan-chan too!"
"Ah...that explains those screams at three this morning," Beans
remarked. "But Greenbeans will get suspicious if you're here! You don't
belong in College Life. In fact, I wish you weren't a part of our
"Daijobu," Hysteria soothed her. "It happens so many kawaii times
already that Greenbeans-chan will think our kawaii little author-chan
just hacked his way into her kawaii little fanfic-chans again."
"Then why don't you pull a Lain, delete yourself from existence,
and leave?" Beans hissed through clenched teeth.
Hysteria giggled. "But then Hysteria wouldn't be able to show you
her latest kawaii little fanfic-chan, and steal your kawaii little
Beans nodded. "Hai hai. Just leave right after you've stolen my-
Just then Beans felt a familiar draft blow past her.
Oblivious to the growing demonic aura around Beans, Hysteria
presented her newest Hysteriafic to her captive audience. Beans'
eyebrow twitched. "One Pound Gundam?! That's it! I want another
paternal test done!"
"Oh, there you are," another voice said from down the hall. Beans
and Hysteria looked back, and saw Beans' boyfriend Andy walking towards
"Ooooh! Andy-chan! Andy-chan!" Hysteria cheered, hugging Andy at
the waist. "Andy-chan wants to have a kawaii little tea party-chan with
Bean-momma and Hysteria, ne? Ne? Ne? Hysteria has soooo many kawaii
little frilly aprons to go around!"
Abruptly Hysteria was Fujisawa Hyper-Kicked through the ceiling
courtesy of a smiling & quite innocent Beans. And there was much
Dorm residents: "Yea."
"Um...who was that?" Andy asked slowly.
Beans shrugged. "A wrinkle in the plot that should have been
steam-pressed out a long time ago."
That drew a nervous laugh from Andy, who put his arm around her
shoulder as the two began walking towards the common lounge. Beans
glanced warily at Andy's arm.
Andy: "Amanda? What is that sweatdrop doing next to your head?"
Beans: ^^ [swatting it aside] "Nothing!"
[Cue the sweatdrop crashing into Hysteria & drenching her!]
Newt Hysteria: o.O [with kawaii li'l sign] *Oro-chan?*
The common area was, as usual, deserted for a Saturday morning.
Most everyone else had vacated to the cafeteria--provided they had
risen from bed at all.
Andy smiled, leaning closer to Beans. "We haven't had a quiet
moment like this for a long time," he said softly into her ear.
Beans desperately tried to stop from SDing. "Ano ne...."
"Ooooh! Kissy-chan! Kissy-chan!" Hysteria squeaked excitedly,
leaping around the common lounge. Suddenly an oversized octopus fell
from the sky for no apparent reason, sending Hysteria into the floor.
Andy gawked at the nonchalantly-whistling invertebrate before
returning his attention to Beans. "Now, where were we?"
Beans: [hopeful] "About to cut to another scene?"
Andy: [getting closer] "You and your sense of humour, Amanda."
[Andy closes his eyes to kiss Beans.]
Beans: ;_; "Mommy."
On to Page 3
Back to Fanfics