SD Bean-chan: ^-^ "And for our grand finale, it's time for sailERmoon!"
Pesti: "Chaos, consult your spellchecker. It's 'sailor'. OR and
Carnage: [argh!] "Oh no. Chaos, you didn't!"
Dark Mayhem: "Oh, he did. Riot, hand me that double-edged katana of
yours, will you?"
SD Bean-chan: ^-^ "Hai! Cue the James Newton Howard theme to ER!"
SD Chaos-chan: "Masaka!"
Fanboys: o.O "It's...it's...THE RETURN OF NURSE MINAKO!!!"
[Cue the bizarre & twisted alternate SM universe #2!!!]
THE PLACE: Crystal Tokyo Hospital.
THE TIME: 8:34pm
THE SERIES: sailERmoon.
THE PLOT: non-existent.
"Yare yare, where's Haruka?" Dr. Michiru snapped, racing madly
beside the gurney which carried the latest patient into Crystal Tokyo's
Emergency Room. "We need to operate now!"
"How can we possibly operate when we don't even know what he's
suffering from?" nurse Rei said, helping pull the gurney into an open
space. "He's suffering from internal injuries, possible haemorrhaging
in the spleen and colon. One arm broken, and could have a punctured
They managed to find an empty stall. Nurses Usagi and Dr. Ami
joined the Rei and Michiru in transporting their patient from the
gurney onto one of the tables.
Usagi's face turned blue as she stared at the mangled young man.
"Kyaaaa! What did this guys do to himself?"
"Actually, he was a med student coming with us for a ride-along,"
Makoto explained, quickly shuffling past the foursome. "This happened
to her *during* the drive."
Michiru's eyebrow twitched. "Can't Eudial drive the ambulance
with just a little restraint?"
On the table, 3x3's Yakumo laughed weakly. "Daijobu...it really
only hurt when she braked hard and sent me through the windshield...and
then failed to notice I had gone through the windshield, and ran me
"M-Masaka!" Rei exclaimed. "How can he be talking like this when
his entire internal organs have been rearranged? And what's with that
funny mark on his head?"
Michiru frowned. "Any suggestions, Ami?" she consulted with her
Ami shrugged. "We'll need to get some X-Rays to see how bad the
damage it. Strangely enough, none of his wounds appear to be fatal."
Yakumo started to sit up. "It's a 'Wu' thing," he said. "I think
I'm feeling better now."
"No, you're not!" all four ladies exclaimed, grabbing his
shoulders and slamming his back onto the table.
Michiru pulled out her Aqua Mirror. "This should help in
diagnosing his problems," she stated, pointing the reflective surface
at Yakumo. The glass shimmered and displayed the results within
"Hmmmm," Michiru mused to herself. "It would appear that mark on
his forehead is the result of...daemon possession?! Rei, quickly! We
need to perform exorcismic surgery!"
"Hai!" Nurse Rei exclaimed, putting on a set of rubber gloves
before pulling out her demon wards.
Yakumo squirmed on the table. "No! I'm fine! Really! It's a good
kind of demon possession! A *good* kind! KYAAAAA!!!"
Elsewhere in the ER, Makoto found the action not even dying down
as she left from her stint riding Ambulance shotgun with Eudial.
"Dammit!" Haruka snapped, leaning over another recently admitted-
-and badly wounded--patient. "He's bleeding all over the place! I could
some help here!"
"Hai!" Makoto replied, coming to Haruka's aide.
Haruka never even looked up from her work. "Scalpel!"
Makoto nodded and grabbed the Space Sword from a nearby table.
Haruka quite literally plunged into her work, frantically racing
against time to save the dying man's life. "I need more help!" she
Dr. Hotaru appeared moments later, using her glaive to aide
Abruptly a loud, constant hum echoed across the room.
Haruka's eyes widened. "No! Damn you, you are not going to die on
Makoto pushed past Haruka. "Let me do this," she said, raising
her hands over her head. "SUPREME THUNDER!!!"
A lightning attack pooled into her palms, and with a vicious
punch against the man's chest, Makoto the living defribulator delivered
a massive cardiovascular surge of electricity. Nothing happened. Makoto
tried again, and then a third time, upping the voltage with a Thunder
But it still didn't work.
The flatline remained.
"Shimatta!" Makoto cursed, slamming her fists against the edge of
the gurney. "I thought for certain we could save him!"
Haruka looked away. "Iie. We were just reaching for foolish
hopes, Makoto. The man had someone's hand punched through his chest;
how could even we save his life?"
"Daijobu," a new female voice said.
Haruka and Makoto looked up, only to see a tall, dark woman in a
doctor's labcoat. Their eyes widened. "Supervisor Setsuna-san!" they
Setsuna lifted her time staff, closing her eyes. "No life has
ever been lost in the history of the Crystal Tokyo Hospital. I have no
intention of breaking that tradition."
Pooling her energy, Setsuna used the powers of the key-shaped
staff to reverse time. Haruka grinned as she watched the gaping wound
in the man's chest slowly heal itself. Crystal blue eyes fluttered
And then with a gasp of air, Nakago sat up from the gurney. "Wh-
where am I?" he asked slowly, brushing the blonde hair away from his
"Careful," Makoto said, steadying him. "You're in Crystal Tokyo
Hospital. We had to reverse time just to heal you."
Nakago smiled smugly. "Arigato...suckers."
Before any of the three Sailor Nurses could say anything, Nakago
leaped off the gurney and used his newfound life to charge back into
Fushigi Yugi--where he promptly beat the living [beep!] [beep!] out of
Haruka sighed. "It's great to see someone making the most of
their second chance at life."
Makoto glanced over her shoulder as the ambulance suddenly
crashed through the front doors. And with the vehicle came a new yet
strangely familiar patient. Ami and Rei were the first on the scene to
assess the injuries.
Whoever was on the gurney certainly looked worse for wear.
And that was a severe understatement.
Nurse Rei: o.O "Na ni?! What happened to you?!"
Desolation: [groan!] "You only know real pain after you've been through
the digestive tract of an angel."
Nurse Rei: [sweatdrop!] "Desolation? Weren't you just here yesterday?"
Desolation: "No, yesterday was that incident with Alita. Today was
Rei glanced over to Usagi. "Ne, could you wheel him into his
usual stall? It's never a matter of life and death with this guy."
"H-Hai...." Desolation warbled.
Cheerfully smiling, Usagi pushed Desolation into his usual
waiting stall before attending to the next patient. With a sigh,
Desolation glanced around the closest place he could ever call home.
But at least it was much more scenic than all the other hospitals he
had been to.
Desolation managed to shake his head to one side, and looked at his next stall neighbour. His eyes widened in recognition. "Yakumo?"
Yakumo looked over at the lost fanboy. "Desolation?"
Both of them started to laugh--and then had their eyeballs bug
out from the wonderful spasms of pain that shot through their bodies.
"What a coincidence," Desolation remarked. "Two Wu's meeting like
this in a hospital emergency room. It must be fate!"
Seconds later, a freak meteor plunged from the heavens, crashed
through the ER's ceiling, and promptly squashed both Yakumo and
In another part of the Emergency Ward, a very nervous
"Daijobu," Nurse Minako said with a sincere smile. "Vaccination
shots are a normal part of your mascot's life. You do want your
Cerberus to grow up big and healthy and strong, ne?"
Sniffling and forcing back her tears, Card Captor Sakura nodded.
Nurse Minako glanced down at the kawaii li'l Kimba-ish, winged
lion. She then reached back and pulled out a *massive*, eight foot long
needle. "Ah, here we go!" she said.
Sakura: "KYAAAAA!!! Run, Cerberus! RUN!!!"
Cerberus took off down the ER hallway, frantically trying to
dodge all the other doctors and patients. Nurse Minako, however, didn't
even give chase. Instead, she closed one eye, and aimed at Cerberus
using her thumb as a reference point.
"Don't worry," she said to Sakura. "If I can spike a volleyball
into any part of the court, I can certainly get Cerberus in the rear
with this needle."
Supervisor Setsuna blinked as she watched Cerberus frantically
race past her, followed closely by the oversized vaccination needle.
"Yare yare. I really think I made a mistake promoting her from
being Candy Stripper," she sighed. Her eyes caught sight of an occupied
gurney--except the person was covered completely by a blanket.
"Ne, who's supposed to be taking care of this one?" she asked,
pulling back the blanket. She recoiled in stunned disbelief moments
later as who should bound out but--!
Havoc-chan: ^-^ "Hotcha! I've got Setsuna's panties!"
[Cue the draft!]
Setsuna: [eyebrow twitch!] "HAVOC...!!!"
Haruka: o.O "Setsuna, no! It takes three days to resanitize the entire
ER if he Cream Lemons on everything!"
Setsuna: [grrrr!] "Do I look like I care? Dead Scream."
* * *
Havoc: ^-^ "Hotcha! Now that's just as good as being treated at the
Ogenki Clinic! Jello, anyone?"
SD Bean-chan: [punting Havoc] "How in the hell did you managed to show
up in my alternate reality, you freak?!"
Dark Mayhem: "Are you absolutely sure you want to do that, Chaos?"
SD Bean-chan: "Oh, yeah. What can he possibly do?"
[Everyone abruptly freezes, gawking in terror at something in
behind the SD Bean-chan.]
Fanboys: o.O "Tsu...Tsu...!!!"
SD Bean-chan: "What?"
Fanboys: o.O "TSUNAMI!!!"
SD Bean-chan: "What? Havoc hasn't even Cream Lemoned yet."
[Cue the Juraian flagship, Tsunami, which crashes onto Bean-chan
for no apparent reason!]
Dark Mayhem: "I sense a running gag here."
Carnage: "You mean the one that mowed Chaos down at the end of the last
Dark Mayhem: "That's the one."
Desolation: [popping open the hatch] "Shimatta! This doesn't look like
Planet Tea at all!"
Ayeka: [hmph!] "And now we're lost! That's the last time I let you ever
Pesti: "Chaos, daijobu?"
SD Chaos-chan: "I vote we let fanboys be fanboys, and just let him
Riot: "Ah, anything-goes martial arts twitch-fu. Most honourable."
Hysteria: ^-^ "Ooooh! Hysteria will make sure that Bean-poppa stays
just Wedding Peachy for the next Omakefic! Cue Hysteria's kawaii little
Everyone: o.O "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
[The Omake theatre is abruptly terminated as the screen cracks
apart due to extreme kawaii content. Just as well, since we would have
just censored it for your brain's protection.]
On to Part 3
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