OMAKE THEATRE!!!



          Earth.
          The distant future.
          The United Planets Space Force (UPSF) has run afoul with the Raalgon Empire, a race of space-faring beings with a technology slightly superior to that of Earth's. In their own home system, the Raalgon Empire has completely dominated everything around them, and are looking at establishing a universal military supremacy. With the Raalgons encroaching on the UPSF's border territories, the UPSF has mobilized fleets upon fleets of battleships in the hopes of keeping the Raalgons at bay. The result has been years upon years of Cold War between Earth and the Raalgons, where both sides are patiently awaiting the other to initiate a full-scale war.
          However, something unexpected has occurred.
          The former reigning Raalgon Emperor, Goza XV, has died. Leaderless, the Raalgon's political world is now lost in turmoil and upheaval. And to make matters worse, the Raalgon High Command has wasted no time in laying the blame on the UPSF for the death of their Emperor. The demand is high that Empress Azalyn, the teenage heiress to the throne, take action and give the command for the Raalgon forces to retaliate against Earth.
          On the hand, the admirals of the UPSF are also insisting that their own fleets take the initiative and attack the Raalgons, stating that the current political disarray in the empire makes the Raalgons vulnerable to an all-out assault.
          Both forces are poised to strike, and a long, bloody war may be appearing on the horizon that is tomorrow.
          But what neither side counted on was the surprise appearance of a space pirate so legendary, so daring, so pissed out of his mind that he could only be...


                              IRRESPONSIBLE CAPTAIN HARLOCK!!!


          Poised on the edge of UPSF space, a fleet of Raalgon warships awaited their next orders. They were among dozens if not hundreds of other small fleets sitting on the borderline, just biding their time until a full-scale invasion order was sent down from Empress Azalyn. However, this particular fleet was very significant not only for its impressive size, but that it was also the envoy for the Raalgon mothership.
          An enormous ship resembling three organic, interconnected pods, it was Azalyn's home away from home. Naturally the Raalgon's were intent on keeping her and the ship undisturbed. As a result, the fleet admirals had sent for Commander Dom (no relation to Piro, Largo or Ed here) to lead this particular fleet. It was a well- known fact that Dom was the most brilliant commander in the Raalgon fleet, and he was only 23.
          He also happened to be an impossibly bishie redhead, and rumours had it that Sarcasm was looking to recruit him for her harem. If she hadn't already forged his signature and signed him on anyways.
          The mothership fleet had been idle for almost two days now, and the majority of the crews were either getting twitchy or lackadaisical and slacking off. On Dom's ship that was a rare thing to see; he kept his crew occupied with drills, tactical simulations and strict disciplinary actions should he catch any Raalgon officer shirking their duties.
          It was understandable then, that Dom's ship was the first to pick up on an unidentified craft heading on a direct, yet utterly erratic course towards the mothership.
          "Battle stations!" Dom ordered, pushing back his mantle and arising from his captain's chair.
          Dozens of Raalgon bridge officers were already scrambling to get an ID on the approaching vessel. So far barely any of them could get a fix on the ship, since it was zigzagging so wildly and unpredictably. Yet Commander Dom had been in countless space battles in the past, so he had studied many enemy captains and their oft-used tactics.
          And given the way the steering mechanism on this particular ship seemed to be broken, he had a disturbing suspicion as to who the intruder might be.
          "Is it the Soyokaze?" he asked.
          One of the officers at the radar shook his head. "No...worse! It's the Arcadia!"
          As if on cue, the viewscreen was able to focus in on the offending ship.
          Dom and his bridge crew found themselves staring at a giant, black starship that vaguely resembled an old Earth sea-faring battleship. And where an enormous white skull & crossbones had been painted onto the bow of the ship, there was instead an enormous yellow happy face grinning at them. Beneath it was sloppily painted the captain's slogan: "Don't worry, be hentai."
          Dom sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. "I hate it when I'm right," he muttered to himself.
          In the past, he'd been sometimes confounded, though usually left completely exasperated by the Arcadia. Many of the Raalgon's feared the renowned Captain Harlock for his gall, ingenuity and fearlessness; they thought that no one would be able to get inside a genius brain like Harlock's and see what made it tick.
          Don, on the other hand, had figured that out long ago.
          Namely, Harlock had been spending the entire UPSF/Raalgon Cold War absolutely smashed out of his mind. The man's cargo holds on the Arcadia were rumoured to be stocked from wall to wall and floor to ceiling with bottles of any sort of alcohol.
          "Commander!" one of the Raalgon officers called out. "He's heading straight into the fleet!"
          Dom looked up at the ceiling of his bridge and shook his head. Harlock must have been seriously boozed up this time around. "Alert the rest of the fleet, if they haven't already picked up on his signal," he ordered. "I want them all to lock their weapons on the Arcadia, but no one is to fire until I order so."
          "Hai!" everyone else chorused.
          "Not that shooting him will work, I bet," Dom said quietly. "That man has the dumbest luck I have ever seen."
          Within seconds, the entire Raalgon fleet went into an offensive position, the ships re-deploying themselves and training their weapons in the giant yellow happy face smiling back at them. Commander Dom patched the other Raalgon captains onto the comm., so they could brief each other on the ongoing battle.
          "So this is the nefarious Harlock you keep warning me about, Dom," Raalgon Admiral Donan sneered as he watched the Arcadia weave left and right. He took another large bite of his gargantuan turkey leg. "Looks more suicidal than anything, taking on a fleet of our size all by himself. I'll grind him into sub-atomic particles!"
          Dom remained dubious of their odds. "Captain, might I remind you that--"
          "FIRE!!!" Donan bellowed, cutting Dom off.
          The entire Raalgon fleet unleashed their awesome fury, a deluge of wave cannons and particle beams erupting across the heavens and shooting straight towards the Arcadia. With about three hundred different volleys being fired at it, it would take a miracle for the Arcadia to avoid every last one of them.
          Fortunately, Harlock had two miracles handy, and they were both called Sake.
          The other Raalgon captains boggled as the Arcadia danced in and out and around the flood of attacks, narrowly missing some blasts and veering easily away from others. Explosions went off all over, and yet the Arcadia just kept on coming closer, emerging from one fiery plume after another, its hull not even singed from the blazes.
          "M-Maska!" Donan exclaimed, nearly choking on his drink. "How can he avoid our fleet's entire firepower?"
          "He must be a highly skilled pilot indeed," another Raalgon Commander added.
          But in actually, Harlock was just totally drunk & spinning the wheel of his ship back and forth at random.

Harlock: ^-^ "Left! Right! Left! Right! Near! Far! Near! Far! Nearer! Nearer still!"

          "Sir," one of the Dom's bridge officers said. "He's hailing us!"
          Dom winced slightly. "What's his message?"
          "Put it over the entire fleet's comm. system, so we can all hear it," Admiral Donan said.
          Dom shook his head. "I do not think that's a wise course of--"
          But Admiral Donan would hear nothing of it. "Do it now!"
          The entire fleet waited as there was a crackle over space, followed immediately by the booming voice of Harlock.

Irresponsible Captain Harlock: ;p "WAZZUP?!"

Admiral Donan: o.O;;;

Commander Dom: [sigh!] "Baka."

          [Cue the Galaxy Express 69 train chugging along through the far reaches of space!]

Havoc: ^-^ "So like I was saying, Matael, lace is definitely your thing! Forget leather or silk. This sort of negligee accentuates your impossibly long lashes perfectly."

Matael: "So many inhabited worlds in the sea of stars--with all sorts of people and lifeforms. And to think it needs only one Earthling like you to keep hentai constantly evolving."

Havoc: ^^v "That's what I'm here for!"

Phone: *RING!*

Havoc: [picking up the receiver] "Give me a second, Matael-chan. Moshi moshi?"

Irresponsible Captain Harlock: ;p "WAZZUP?!"

Havoc: ;p "WAZZUP?!"

Irresponsible Captain Harlock: ;p "AHHHHH!!"

Havoc: ;p "AHHHH!!"

Irresponsible Captain Harlock: "So what'cha up to?"

Havoc: "Having a babe, watching the Doji."

Irresponsible Captain Harlock: "True. True."

Commander Dom: [sigh!] "Oh, what the hell. If you can't beat them... WAZZUP?!"

Irresponsible Captain Harlock: ;p "WAZZUP?!"

Havoc: ;p "WAZZUP?!"


*          *          *

          Upon the bridge of his flagship, Captain Hargen smiled to himself. Yes indeed, his freaky not-so-bishieness grinned a mighty not-so-bishie grin and combed his fingers through his long lavender hair and licked the plum lipstick on his lips. He reclined back in his captain's chair...which happened to be submerged into the floor, giving him an impressive view as all the White Delmo's in their short skirts walked on past him.
          The golden epaulets on his shoulders, moulded to resemble a nude woman leaning forward as she straddled his shoulders, shone in the lights from all the console screens and flickering buttons.
          "Hargen-sama," one of the White Delmo's reported, walking up to his chair and saluting him (not to mention giving him a fantastic glimpse of her panties). "All stations have reported. We are ready to begin the operation."
          Hargen smiled to himself. "And now with the Ragh metal in our possession, we can destroy the earth. No doubt dropping the Ragh on the Tokyo Tower will cause an instant meltdown of Japan, and then trigger the end of the world. Humanity, the virus that has caused the slow desecration of Earth, will be wiped out, and the planet shall be made perfect again. And then I shall rise up as the new Adam, my ship's compliment of nubile young ladies to be my harem of Eves."
          The White Delmo smiled and nodded. "Hai, Hargen-sama."
          Leaning back in his chair, Hargen smirked at the ceiling. "Commence the operation. Oh, and you can sit here on my lap for it too."
          The White Delmo blushed and silently nodded. The rest of the White Delmo's on the bridge began calling out orders and pushing buttons. The ship shuddered ever so slightly as its course was changed.
          "Everything is proceeding as planned," Hargen said as the one White Delmo girl sat down on his lap. "We can dock at our underwater port, and then we can launch into orbit, leaving the Earth behind to wallow in the Ragh's destructive powers." He ran his tongue along the White Delmo's neck. "Nothing can stop me now."
          "Well, maybe a vasectomy with a rusty Sword of Voltanders could," a new voice offered.
          Hargen blinked a few times and then glanced over at Desolation, who was standing next to his chair. "And just what the hell are you doing on my bridge?" he demanded.
          Desolation shrugged. "A very brief cameo?"
          Suddenly a klaxon sounded.
          "Hargen-sama!" one of the White Delmo's exclaimed frantically, spinning around in her chair. "There's another ship coming up fast on our starboard side! It's going to crash right into us!"
          Hargen scowled and continued to fondle the White Delmo on his lap. "Evasive manoeuvres. And shoot that impudent ship from the skies. How dare he defy the mighty Hargen!" After a moment of pausing, he then asked, "Can you identify the vessel?"
          "Ano...it's coming into view!" another White Delmo called out.
          The main viewscreen was activated, and Hargen & his bridge crew found themselves staring at a gigantic bosom, a skull & cross- phalli painted on the nipple. A murmur ran through the ranks of the White Delmo's.
          Hargen slowly rose from his chair, still intent on fondling the one Delmo girl in his clutches. "Masaka," he said, still locked in his monotone voice. "The Hindenboob? Here?" He turned to the White Delmo's. "Blow it out of the skies. Use every missile if you have to; I don't want that Havoc fanboy on my ship. This is my twisted little pervert's paradise, and I don't like sharing."
          Desolation rolled his eyes. "The guy wears the wrong shade of lipstick, and he calls Havoc a twisted little freak?"
          "Hush!" Hargen snapped. He turned to the White Delmo's. "What are you waiting for? Destroy the Hindenboob!"
          "No good, Hargen-sama!" a White Delmo said. "They're too close! We fire on them now, and we'll be caught up in the explosion!"
          Meanwhile, on the viewscreen the nipple of the Hindenboob grew larger and larger until they could see the painstaking detail of the nipple itself--

Desolation: ^-^ "And it's an Urushihara nipple, no less!"

Hargen: "Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

Desolation: "Oh, it always has to be about you, doesn't it? Well what about this otaku's needs, hm? I have pulpy, crushable organs just like everyone else!"

Hargen: [sweatdrop!] "What does that have to do with anything?"

Desolation: [shrug!] "Nothing much, really. I'm just milking my scene time here for all it's worth."

          --and then the screen suddenly cut to static & snow.
          "They're right on top of us!" one White Delmo exclaimed.
          Another White Delmo girl activated the ship's intercom. "All hands, brace for impact!"
          Seconds later, the entire ship lurched violently as the Hindenboob crashed right into it.


*          *          *


From : "Greenbeans" To : "His lordship Chaos" CC : "Nightbreak"

Subject : Ra/\/S0/\/\ /\/0T3

Date : Thurs, 17 Oct 2002 23:11:43 -0700

Chaos,

While you were off gallivanting around my series with that stupid mamequin thing, I thought I would inform you that I have kidnapped your kawaii assistant writing staff and split them 50 / 50 with Nightbreak. We are feeding them well (no beans though) and they are being cared for. No harm will come to them as long as you meet these conditions:

1) Never chase after the lake god again. The kawaii writing staff will remaim in our custody until I am assured that no further... transgressions... take place.

2) You will only cross dress every other Wednesday on even numbered months during the full moon.

3) You must be part of Quistis' whip show while wearing a Delmo dress.

If any attempt by you or the Fanboys is made to retrieve the writing staff I will send out Noir. Don't press your luck fanboy. Soldats has given me a frequent customer discount card if that tells you anything. And if Noir fails, SeeDs never do.

We await your reply,

Mamegami-sama and Nightbreak


*          *          *

          The Delmo girls were put on high alert, with orders to find and kill the intruders. Heavily-armed Black and Blue Delmo's raced through the decks, doing an exhaustive room by room search to locate any sort of fanboy and perforate him with many small bullet holes. However, a few fanboys had cleverly disguised themselves as dust-bunnies lurking in the ship's HVAC system.
          "I'm missing Sana-chan trying to broaden her horizons by acting in Kodomo Noh Omocha Theatre for this?" Chaos sighed as he crawled through one of the ship's cramped ventilation shafts.
          Desolation sweatdropped as he crawled in behind Chaos. "Wasn't she one of the girls kidnapped, though?"
          "Shhhh!" Pesti-chan hissed, leading the way. "Do you want us to get caught?"
          The three paused near one of the ventilation grilles as a very tall and very drunk woman with long magenta hair and a very unpleasant attitude came staggering through the corridor beneath them. "Onii-sama!!" the drunken woman bellowed, taking another swig from the Sake bottle before launching it into the wall. "That slimy little raven-haired bitch! Just stringing my brother along! Why sleep with her when you could have me, onii-sama?!"
          Delmo girls of all colour and rank scurried to get out of her way.
          "Who's that?" Pesti-chan asked once the woman had passed by.
          "That would be Nena, Hargen's lover," Chaos replied. "She also happens to be his sister."
          Pesti-chan nodded. "Gotcha. She's his sister and--(o.O;;) Do I really want to know about this?"
          "No, you don't," Desolation emphatically stated.
          "Thought so. Now does she usually walk around the ship in revealing black negligee and a housecoat she doesn't even bother to do up?"
          Desolation shrugged. "Yeah, that's pretty much her standard uniform in this place."
          "Thought so."
          The two prepared to continue scouring the ventilation system. However, there was one problem. Namely the fact that all three of them were crouched right on top of the grillwork. With a loud crash, the grille beneath them went plummeting to the floor, Chaos & Desolation landing amidst a heap of dazed, swirly-eyed Pesti- chans.
          "That could have gone better," SD Pesti #5 groaned as he pulled himself out from beneath SD Pesti's #4&6.
          Chaos couldn't help but beam as he got up to his feet. "But on the plus side, I didn't break my lucky, super-bouncy rubber Gema ball!"
          "That's my eyeball you've got there, you moron," a one-eyed Desolation huffed, snagging his eye back from Chaos.
          "And I'm sure the world is a safe place as a result," SD Pesti #2 said dryly. He glanced down the corridor. "So, which way now, feckless leader?"
          Suddenly a small army of Blue Delmo girls came charging down the right end of the corridor, bullets spraying the walls and floor all around Chaos and the SD Pesti-chans.
          "Definitely not that way!" Chaos stated as he ducked a bullet.
          Off he raced down the hallway, followed by a line of SD Pesti-chans scrambling left, right, and just-off-centre. Alarms started ringing all around them.
          "This is Blue Delmo squad Sixteen," one of the Blue Delmo leaders stated over her headset. "We've sighted three...er, eight of the intruders on level ten!"
          "Excellent," came Hargen's voice. "See to it that they suffer like anyone who's been forced to watch Bondage Queen Kate."
          Chaos and the SD Pesti-chans continued to run hell-bent for Leather down the corridor, with Desolation in the rear carrying SD Pesti #1 and SD Pesti #6 (who was staring back the Delmo girls & exchanging insults about mothers with them) under his arms.
          "Kuso," SD Pesti #2 hissed, ducking his head a part of the wall panel next to him was ripped apart by a bullet. "There must be twenty of them shooting all over the place!"
          "And yet they can't even hit any of us," SD Pesti #4 added. "You don't think they're Stormtroopers, do you?"
          Desolation shook his head. "Oh, they're shooting right at us all right."
          "So why aren't they hitting us?" Chaos asked over his shoulder.
          "Because all their bullets are inexplicably attracted to me!" Desolation exclaimed. "So far I've been shot eighty-six times! ITAAAII!!! Make that eight-seven times."
          The fanboys rounded a bend, and Chaos spotted an open door. "Quick, in here!" he said, punting most of the SD Pesti-chans inside. Desolation flung the last two SD Pesti's inside and then shut the door behind them.
          "Daijobu?" SD Pesti #5 asked.
          Desolation hacked up a bunch of bullet shells, then gave the V-sign.
          "Somehow that's not instilling a lot of confidence in me," SD Pesti #2 stated. "Ne, where are we anyways?"
          The fanboys looked around, and discovered that the room consisted of rows upon rows of lockers, with a communal showering area and a few toilet stalls in the back. SD Pesti #4 skittered into one of the stalls, the excitement of the last few paragraphs too much for his chibi bladder to handle.
          "Way to go, Chaos," SD Pesti #6 said, massaging his temples. "You just had us hide in a locker room. One that doesn't have any other way out save for the door that will probably be broken down by Delmo girls any second now!"
          "Who cares?" piped up SD Pesti #3's voice from inside one of the lockers. "Look at the panties this babe wears! Hotcha, now that is what I call daring!"
          SD Pesti #6 started kicking the locker door. "San-chan, you stupid perv, get outta there before I come in and kick your super deformed ass!"
          "The maniacal little munchkins have a point," Desolation said. "We are kinda trapped in here now. How are we going to get out of this one? I mean it's not like we can steal some uniforms from the lockers and pretend we're Delmo officers."
          He turned around, only to see Chaos now clad in a Black Delmo dress.
          "Well, does it match my shoes?" Chaos asked
          SD Pesti #2's eyebrow twitched as he slowly appraised Chaos' new uniform. "Okay, Chaos, that's good and all, but don't you think you'd look a little more convincing if you...oh, actually transformed into a girl instead of pretending to be one? You can do that, remember?"
          SD Pesti #5 simply passed out from the shock of seeing Chaos crossdress.
          Desolation sweatdropped. "That looks too damned good on you," he said. "Who the hell are you: Michikusa?!"
          Chaos winked and wagged a finger at the other fanboys. "See? Crossplaying has its advantages. If only more Crossplayers could help save the world by posing as the scantily-clad, fanservicing women on a ship that's trying to destroy the planet, maybe then we'd truly be appreciated."
          SD Pesti #2 remained dubious. "I don't think so, Chaos."
          They all jerked their heads towards the door as there was a loud banging, accompanied by the all so cheery words of: "I saw them go in there! Remember, aim for their crotches first!"
          Seconds later, the Blue Delmo's stormed into the locker room. What they found were 6 super-deformed Pink Delmo guys--er, girls in there along with Chaos. Needless to say, the Blue Delmo's were rather surprised.
          "I could have sworn they went in here!" one of the Blue Delmo's said. "We've swept the entire hall, and this was the only door that didn't require a keycard for access."
          Another Blue Delmo turned to Chaos. "Ne, have you seen any suspicious characters in here? Namely, male?"
          Chaos grinned and adjusted his blouse. "Why no, Ma'am, we haven't seen anyone suspicious at--Minako?!"
          Blue Delmo Minako gave Chaos a confused look. "How does a low-level Black Delmo know my name?"
          SD Pesti #1's eyes widened and he immediately flung himself into the bosoms of another Blue Delmo girl. "Mako-chaaaaaan!" he sniffled.
          Blue Delmo Makoto blinked in surprise at the chibi-Pink Delmo glomped onto her cleavage. "What the?"
          Blue Delmo's Shampoo and Shayla-Shayla exchanged confused glanced with each other.
          And as if the timing couldn't get any better, Desolation stepped out from a toilet stall, dressed in a Black Delmo uniform. "Damn, that's one cold breeze!" he remarked with a shiver as he rejoined the group.
          "Oh! Just a minute!" Blue Delmo Corvette exclaimed as she studied the sincere smile on Chaos' face, and then the Megatokyo underoos sticking out beneath the mini-skirt. "These aren't members of the Delmo Squads, they're the cross-dressing intruders! Very risqué, yes!"
          All the Blue Delmo's trained their guns on him.

Chaos: ~.- [striking a pose in his Black Delmo outfit!] "Oh, but admit it: I've got the sexiest calves of anyone in this room!"

SD Pesti #5: o.O;; "I don't think they really care!"

SD Pesti #2: "I know I sure as hell don't."

SD Pesti #4: ^^v "Say, this Pink Delmo skirt looks really smashing with my shoes."

SD Pesti #6: -.-;; "Shut up, Go."

Desolation: [brrrrr!] "Can we just hurry this scene along? I'm freezing my thighs off here!"

SD Pesti: #1: ;_; [still clinging to Makoto!] "Mako-chaaaaaaaaan, don't let me die!"

Blue Delmo Makoto: "Dammit, this thing's latched right onto my uniform! How the hell am I supposed to get him off me?"

SD Pesti #3: ^-^ [stripping Makoto nekkid!] "Allow me, Mako-cutie!"

Blue Delmo Makoto: o.O;; [blink blink!] "A-Ano..."

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