Well, the Cream Lemon tidal wave had to end somewhere, and ultimately it lost its forward momentum on the bridge of Hargen's ship. Torrents of whipped cream came to a slow stop, various limbs of various fanboys sticking out from the mess.
"Stupid Havoc," warbled Pesit-chan's voice beneath a mound of Cream Lemon topped with a few panties. "Ask him to stop the Splooting...."
Ruckus was more than happy to rescue Pesti-chan.
Upon seeing his rescuer, Pesti-chan tried diving back into the whipped cream.
Riot gradually pulled himself out from the creamy mire, opening his sleeves as wide as possible as even more Cream Lemon dribbled out from them. "This is going to take a week at least before my most honourable dry-cleaning-fu can rectify this most dishonourable stain!"
"Ne, Carnage, care to move out from the pile o' Cream Lemon you're standing in?" Dark Mayhem remarked, wading out between two rather stunned White Delmo girls.
Carnage shook his head. "I've got a Tenchi Masaki Syndrome and no clothes on. I think the whipped cream's about the safest place on this bridge for me to be right now."
"Daijobu, oni-san," Demolition said, tossing Carnage a spare uniform. "I figured that might happen, so I found this for you!"
Carnage: [staring down at the outfit] "It's a Delmo dress, Demo."
Demolition: ^^v "True. But you've always told me how blue's your favourite colour!"
Carnage: [grrrr!] "Fireball."
Demolition: ^-^ "Payback!"
[Cue the fireball rebounding harmlessly off Demolition, and incinerating Desolation instead!]
Pile o' Deso ash: "Ow."
Chaos crawled out from the Cream Lemon, only to come nose to really shiny barrel with the gun of a Blue Delmo girl. In fact, as all the fanboys stood up and looked around the room, they found that what looked to be every last Delmo girl and Anime babe was cramming their way onto the bridge. A very disturbingly large number of weapons were aimed at their heads. Even more were aimed at their groins.
And the vast majority of any high-calibre firearm was aimed squarely at Havoc.
With a drunken Nena swaying behind him, Hargen came strolling up amidst the legions of Delmo girls, a smug, victorious grin on his face. "Game over," he stated. "No more running. You cannot escape, and I know you can't bring yourselves to harm the women you've been friends with since your series began. Drop your weapons, lower your smites, and admit defeat." He scowled at Havoc. "And dammit, give me back those Golden Delmo panties."
Havoc staunchly crossed his arms over his chest. "Make me, freak-boy."
With a vicious smile on his face, Hargen reached back into the ranks of the Delmo girls, and then hauled out Hotaru by the back of her neck. He threw Hotaru at Chaos' feet, sneering down at the Outer Senshi.
"A valiant effort," he stated. "However, your koibito screwed up your once chance of escape, it seems. Much how he seems to screw up everything in this series."
"Urusai!" Hotaru coughed as she picked herself up off the floor.
Chaos was quick to kneel down and help her up. "Just what the hell were you doing with Captain None In The Oven anyways?" he hissed.
"I was waiting for him to close his eyes, and then turn him into a Silence Glaive kabob!" Hotaru replied. "He had just deactivated my collar, and I would have transformed into Sailor Saturn had you not broken into the room."
Hargen seemed to be gloating over his victory. "Hai hai. The second you were swept away, I reactivated her collar, and once I do away with you fanboys, I intend to show her the punishment any woman here receives for going against my will."
"What, they have to sleep with you?" Dark Mayhem remarked.
"Or do they just get subjected to seeing you naked?" Desolation added.
All the fanboys snickered.
Hargen's eyebrow twitched rather unpleasantly.
"Are you still mad at me for using my body as bait, Chaos- chan?" Hotaru timidly asked.
Chaos crossed his arms over his chest and let out a deep sigh. "No, not really. I'm mad that I came in before you had the chance to decapitate that freak biscuit, though."
"While I can't guarantee giving you something to hang over your fireplace," Carnage said, eyeing Hargen. "I can ensure a Satellite Strike precise enough to make him Jewish."
"I don't think that will be happening anytime soon," Hargen stated, holding up a small remote control in his hand. His thumb lay poised over a giant red button. "I push this, and the collars around every Delmo girl and imprisoned Anime babe on this ship delivers an electrical charge powerful enough to kill them. Any of you self-inserted rejects so much as looks at me the wrong way, and they all die."
Carnage and Demolition growled, just itching for the chance to unleash some sort of epic property damage against Hargen. Riot's fingers were wiggling just over the grip of his katana, poised to unsheathe it at the slightest opening, and Ruckus had a few shruriken darts ready for turning Hargen into a Voodoo doll. Demolition fought the temptation to charge his smite magnetism and take Hargen down with him somehow. Havoc's hentai battle aura was being suppressed, the uberperv not about to involve innocent Anime babes in a fierce Happoken attack. Pesti-chan could only look from one brainwashed Anime babe to the next, feeling utterly helpless.
Chaos held Hotaru tightly in his arms, calculating just how many herds of cows would be needed to take out most of the Delmo girls around.
Chaos: "Let's see...one, two...that's a whole lot of cows."
Hotaru: "Chaos-chan, if we're going to die, at least let me kiss you first."
Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "Ano...just how many people can think ecchi at a time like this?"
Chaos: -.-;; "Nevermind."
The only fanboy who really didn't seem anxious was Dark Mayhem. He merely checked his wristwatch as if expecting something to happen shortly.
"Prepare to fire the Ragh," Hargen ordered his bridge crew. "We'll drop these fanboys from a high altitude. If the fall doesn't kill them, then the total annihilation of their world will." He then pointed over to Havoc. "Except for him. Fetch me the branding iron for the Ultimate Weakness Moxibustier. I want that loser marked and left pathetic for the rest of his life as my personal footstool."
"Yo, Hagen Dazs," drawled a familiar voice from across the bridge.
Hargen's eyebrow twitched. "Sarcasm," he said. "How many times must I reiterate this? My name is Hargen, not Hagen Dazs. I am not named after an ice cream company!"
"Yeah, whatever Captain Hagen Dazs," came Anarchy's voice.
Moments later, the crowd of Delmo girls nervously parted. Hargen groaned and shook his head as he saw Sarcasm-hime and Anarchy strolling towards him.
"Look, Hagen Dazs," Anarchy said. "We agreed to hang here and not smite your sorry ass, so long as you kept us well stocked."
Hargen rolled his eyes. "What's the problem?"
"We're out of Sake," Anarchy stated. "And Hard Lemonade. And coolers. And wine. And hard liquor."
"And don't forget the Yebisu beer," Sarcasm added.
Upon hearing that, Hargen's already blanche face paled considerably.
"Anarchy and I are starting to feel sober," Sarcasm said, hauling out her Zanba spatula. "And we don't appreciate that."
Hargen was starting to panic. "But we had enough alcoholic provisions to last us three years!"
"Too bad," Anarchy said, raising her hand and making ready to snap her fingers. "No Sake, no adoring Delmo girls for you."
Demolition: [aside to Chaos] "Figures. We do all the work, and the fangirls save the day at the last minute."
Chaos: [still in his Black Delmo outfit] "Hmm...I really think I should have stick with the flats instead of these pumps."
Demolition: -.-;; "......"
"Wait!" Hargen said, quickly yanking the Sake bottle away from Nena's mouth and shoving it into Anarchy's arms. "Here you go!"
Sarcasm & Anarchy: ^^v "Wai! Arigato, Hagen Dazs!"
Pesti: [sweatdrop!] "Um...aren't you going to save us?"
Anarchy: [sauntering away] "Can't talk."
Sarcasm: [leaving the bridge] "Drinking."
"Well, that was anti-climactic, wasn't it?" Pesti-chan remarked, turning to Desolation.
Demolition groaned and shook his head.
"Now then," Hargen said, turning back to the fanboys. "I believe we were discussing your collective and tortuous demise."
Just when it looked as if not even an act of author could save the fanboys, one of the emergency proximity lights went off. White Delmo's scrambled to their posts. Hargen looked away from his prisoners.
"I tire of these interruptions," he said. "What is it this time?"
"Another ship is closing in, Hargen-sama," a White Delmo girl called out. "Its flight path is completely erratic and its weapons systems are not even on, but it's heading straight towards us!"
Hushed, concerned whispers started running rampant through the groups of Delmo officers.
"It's markings!" Hargen barked out. "Can you identify it?"
The White Delmo paled and placed a hand over her mouth. "M- Masaka! Hargen-sama, it's...it's the Arcadia!"
The viewscreen sprang to life, revealing the infamous pirate ship, the Arcadia! And sure enough, the skull & crossbones on the front of the ship had been replaced with a giant, yellow happy face!!
Irresponsible Captain Harlock: ;p "WAZZUP?!"
Happy Face: ^_^
White Delmo: "Hargen-sama, the Arcadia's going to crash right into our ship!"
Happy Face: o.O;;;; "OH SHIT!!!"
Naturally, all hell broke loose.
Delmo girls screamed and started running around in every direction. Totally distracted, Hargen lowered his guard and turned his back to the fanboys. Of course, the fanboys all tried pouncing on him, but they wound up being unceremoniously carried away by the throngs of panicking Delmo girls.
"Evasive action!" Hargen exclaimed, struggling against the tide of Delmo girls.
"It's no use!" a White Delmo shouted over the din. "All babes, brace for impact!"
There was a violent jolt that sent everyone flying in all directions, Delmo girls spilling over on top of Delmo girls. The rear part of the bridge was ripped apart as the Arcadia ploughed right into it, tearing asunder walls and support beams. Sparks erupted from the dozens of control panels on the bridge as the central lights shorted and went out, replaced moments later by a few emergency lights. For a moment, a very impressive silence pervaded.
Then from the back end of the bridge, a door on the hull of the Arcadia opened up. Light streamed into the bridge, and out bounded the tall, proud and seriously drunken figure of the Irresponsible Captain Harlock, a Sake bottle in one hand and a Cosmo Dragoon in the other.
"Azalyn, baby!" he exclaimed, utterly sauced out of his mind. "Let's get pissed!!"
Everyone gawked at him.
Harlock scratched his head. "What, this ain't the Raalgon mothership? Where the hell have you people taken me?!"
Pesti: [aside to Carnage] "Does being saved by a ludicrous concept for an omake theatre that actually came before the ending count as non-sequitur?"
Carnage: "I'd argue that's as non-sequitur as they get, Pesti-chan. Ne, could you give me a hand and grab that Zanba sword by your legs? There's still a Hargen I need to harpoon...."
Abruptly a very loud and very disturbing, metallic groan echoed across the entire ship, as if the hull were being twisted around like a wet dishcloth. The room started to slant towards one side, loose books, shoes and Delmo girls sliding towards the wall.
"Oh great, now what?" Demolition groaned.
"The ship's lost all of its power to the thrusters!" one of the White Delmo's shouted. "We're pitching over sideways and losing altitude. At this rate, we'll crash right into the ocean within two minutes!"
The Delmo girls all gasped in horror, some bursting out into tears while others ran about trying to escape the plummeting ship somehow. Dark Mayhem leapt onto Chaos' back and let out a shrill, loud whistle.
"Everybody on the Arcadia!" he shouted, pointing towards the gaping hole in the bridge left by Harlock's entrance. "You've got less than two minutes to shake, strut and saunter those butts to safety!"
Yet instead of fleeing to safety, the Delmo girls all stared blankly at him.
"They're still brainwashed by Hargen," Hotaru said. "We've got to destroy that stupid remote he has."
"Never!" Hargen said, holding the remote control high over his head. "If I am to go down, I'll take every last babe in Anime with me. That'll teach you pesky avatars not to mess with--"
[Cue Catastrophe bouncing across the bridge & eating the remote control right out of Hargen's hand!]
Catastrophe: ^-^ "buuuuuuurp! chu chu!"
Hargen: o.O;; "N-N-N-NA NI?!"
The remote control being digested inside Catastrophe almost instantly resulted in a very annoying crackle of static in the air, followed by every last Delmo girl groaning and cradling her temples.
"Way to handle that cameo!" Demolition cheered, patting Catastrophe on the head. "Remind me to feed you a chocolate-covered Pokerat or two when we get home."
Dark Mayhem let show a fanged grin as he surveyed the Anime babes all around him. "Very good," he said. "Now then, as I was saying before--"
Chaos: -.-;; "You can get off my back anytime now, Newt-boy."
Dark Mayhem: "Hush!"
"--let's all get the hell outta here!" he finished. "Onto the Arcadia!"
A rousing cheer rose up from the ranks of the former Delmo girls, and they all charged into the Arcadia, Pesti-chan & Ruckus leading them through. Many of the Delmo's were further helped to speed up the process as Havoc stole all their panties (yet again) and whisked them off to the Arcadia. Carnage, Riot and Demolition continued to weed through the Delmo's in the hopes of finding Hargen. And somewhere along the way, Anarchy & Sarcasm came sauntering by, figuring that the Arcadia had to have a bar on it somewhere.
"Wai! We're going on a cruise!" Harlock cheered as Pesti-chan had to run back onto the bridge to retrieve him. "Where are we going? I hope they've got cutie Raalgon babes there, 'cause I love cutie Raalgon babes."
Pesti-chan sweatdropped. "Um...sure, why not?"
" Say, did I ever tell you about this Matael chick I met a while back?" Harlock asked, polishing off his Sake bottle and lobbing it over his shoulder. "She had the most humungous boobs I've ever--"
"That's enough information, than you very much!" Pesti-chan snapped, punting Harlock the rest of the way to the Arcadia's bridge.
Meanwhile, the tilt on Hargen's bridge was starting to become really pronounced as the last of the Delmo girls streamed in through the Arcadia's door. "Is that everyone?" Riot asked.
Still tending to Chaos, Hotaru shook her head. "Where are the rest of the girls who hadn't been brainwashed yet? They must still be in the brig!"
"We may not be able to get there and get them out in time," Dark Mayhem said. "This ship's ready to twist itself apart."
Suddenly into the bridge bounded Rampage, hooting playfully as Hysteria chased after her. "Rampage-chaaaaaan!" Hysteria whined. "Hysteria only wants to put a kawaii little bow-chan on your kawaii little head-chan!"
Oblivious to the rest of the fanboys, she chased Rampage right into the Arcadia.
Dark Mayhem, Demolition, Riot and Carnage all walked into the doorway, sweatdropping as they watched Hysteria run the length of one of the corridors, and then hit the wall as Rampage made an abrupt turn.
"What was that all about?" Demolition asked.
The four fanboys turned around just in time to get hit by a stampede of Anime babes all dressed in kawaii, frilly aprons, led by Pandemonium. "This way, ladies!" Pandemonium exclaimed, pointing towards the Arcadia. "We can escape Hysteria in here!"
The last of the Anime babes scrambled onto the Arcadia, taking the four hapless fanboys along with them. Well...it wasn't as much a taking as it was a mowing them down and trampling them underfoot.
And bringing up the rear was Motoko, still shrieking and trying to escape from the clutches of Tama-chan & the Fairy Godbabbit.
Chaos was among the last of the fanboys to leave, satisfied that they had left no stragglers behind.
"You know," Hotaru remarked as she helped Chaos onto the Arcadia. "In any other fic, helping a drunken space captain and group of self-inserted avatars save Anime from a power-hungry nancy-boy bent on repopulating the Earth with his own shallow gene puddle would have seemed a little strange."
Chaos beamed. "We enjoy making everyone's day more surreal."
"It's a living," sighed Desolation's head as it was carried in Kasumi Tendo's arms, Desolation's decapitated body obediently following after her.
Kasumi smiled pleasantly. "Ara, Deso-chan, you have such a unique profession."
With a whirl of motors, the Arcadia's door began to swing closed behind them.
A clank on the floor's grillwork caused the four to glance back to what was left of the bridge. Out from the shadows in the far corner of the bridge, Hargen staggered towards them, reaching in vain for the door. "Wait for me!" Hargen shrieked. "I'll give you anything! I can't be defeated like this!"
Hotaru, Chaos & Deso-head: ^-^ [wave wave!] "Ja ne!"
Kasumi: ^-^ "It was nice meeting you, Hargen-kun."
For a moment it looked as if Hargen might actually reach the door before it closed. But just when he was a mere two steps away, a drunken & horny Nena tackled him! "Oooh, Hargen oni-chan," she purred, wrapping her arms around his chest. "I've got an itch that only you can scratch."
Hargen strained in vain for the door, but with Nena holding him back, he could only watch as the door sealed itself shut and the Arcadia pulled its nose out from the bridge. The last thing Hargen ever saw before his ship crashed into the oceans and exploded was an incredibly blue and cloudless sky spinning around.
That, and Nena barfing all over his lavender hair as she got airsick from all the spinning.
[End? Beginning? Where the hell are we now?!]
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