Back at the Fanboys' apartment, where there was some slice of plot that hadn't been dipped in tempura batter and fried up for lunch, the other fanboys were lounging about on a lazy Sunday morning.
Dark Mayhem was sprawled out on a living room couch, sporting his new "I survived the End of EVA" shirt, and checking out his stocks. "Let's see...HOLY shares are down another two points today thanks to more rogue Alter users whupping their butts," he remarked. "Dammit, I knew I should have invested in the Medical Mechanica instead."
He glanced over at Carnage, who was busy staring at the computer as if torn between blowing it away with a Castor gun or being illuminated by a great epiphany.
"What's with you, Carnage?" he asked.
Carnage pushed the swivel chair away from their computer. "Well, I've been reading some Gundam Wing discussions on a few newsgroups. You know how most of the characters' names are supposed to represent numbers?"
Dark Mayhem nodded. "Hai...."
[Cue an SD Chaos & and SD Dark Schneider popping up with a chalk board!]
SD Chaos: ^-^v "Wai! Welcome to another instalment of 'Ask Mr. Uber Exploder Wizard', the informational segment of the fanfics that has all the otaku saying--"
SD Dark Schneider: "Damn, do I look sexy even when I'm chibi!"
SD Chaos: ^^;;; "A-Ano...anyhoo, today we're going to look at a running joke in the Gundam Wing universe."
SD Dark Schneider: "Who cares about running jokes? I'm damned starving here! Where's the food? Where's my wenches?!"
SD Chaos: -.-;; "Like I was saying before the Fanged Wonder over here interrupted--"
SD Dark Schneider: [grrrr!] "Did I just hear a dumbass diss come outta your mouth?"
SD Chaos: ^^;; "So the illustriously kick-ass sorcerer over here was just saying that in the Wing universe, most of the characters are named after numbers. For example, consider the following names: Lady Une, Duo, Treize, Quatre, and Quinze. Their names are in fact the first five numbers."
SD Dark Schneider: [yawn!] "Boring! I'm gonna go take a nap now. Finish up this segment for me, will ya?"
SD Chaos: "Na ni?! What was the point of you coming here in the first place then?!"
SD Dark Schneider: "Do you think any of the readers would pay attention to this part simply because of you?"
SD Chaos: ;_; [sniffle!] "H-Hidoi...."
SD Dark Schneider: [sigh!] "You are such a baby. Okay, people, to quit wastin' my time here, this is the low-down. Lots of otaku out there assume Noin is the number 9, and that Zechs is some sort of Japanese-fabricated Engrish name. As it turns out, Noin is actually a misspelling of the German number 'neun' and Zechs is a misspelling of 'sechs'."
SD Chaos: [scribbling down on the chalkboard] "So what we have is...."
Neun = 6
Sechs = 9
SD Chaos: ^^v "Wai! See? 6...9...(o.O;)"
SD Dark Schneider: [laughing!] "69! Ha ha! No wonder there's so much 'tension' between those two! Damn, am I glad I stayed here!"
SD Chaos: -.-;; "So much for the integrity of this segment. You readers should probably go back to the fic before we get any more humiliated than we are."
SD Dark Schneider: [snicker!] "Hey, are you wearing Megatokyo underoos?"
SD Chaos: o.O;; "Ack! Cue the fic! Cue the fic!"
[Back to the fic...]
"See what I mean about that?" Carnage said. "I'm not sure how to take it."
Dark Mayhem grinned. "But I bet we know now how Noin takes it!"
Retorted Carnage: "Fireball."
And just ignoring the giant flame erupting from the couch, Pesti-chan continued to kill time until Makoto arrived for their afternoon date by trying to introduce Riot to the techniques of anything-goes martial arts Chu Chu Rocket-fu. His eyes in their near-eternal squint, Riot leaned forward and studied the television screen. "Pesti-chan, I must ask once more what the significance of these most honourable level settings on this game are."
"Which one's giving you trouble?" Pesti-chan asked.
Riot pointed to the screen. "Normal...what does that mean?"
"Oh, that?" Pesti-chan said. "It's the 'I Can Do It' mode of the game."
Riot: "And the Hard setting?"
Pesti: "'My Brain Hurts' mode."
Riot: [eyebrow twitch!] "Special?"
Pesti: "'That Sucked' mode."
Riot: [much honourable eyebrow twitching!] "Maina?"
Pesti: "'Fuck This Thing, Where's My Receipt?' mode."
Riot sweatdropped and looked down at his PMS-2 controller. "And the reason you haven't allowed me to impale this game on the pointy end of my most honourable katana is...?"
Pesti-chan could only shrug. "We've tried. Carnage tried using a Beam cannon and Demolition used a Mega Brand spell. As far as we can tell, that game is pure evil and cannot be destroyed by any mortal means."
"So you're saying it's like Akio, yes?" Riot asked.
Suddenly Ruckus came bounding out of the bathroom in complete unpixellated glory! "Wheeeee, look at me! I'm naked!" he exclaimed, bouncing through the living room, over the kitchen counter and then disappearing back into the bathroom.
"Why oh why couldn't we have had the angst-ridden bishie type instead of that?" Carnage sighed, shaking his head.
Pesti-chan could only stutter incoherently, his eyebrow twitching out of control.
Riot leaned over to the Pesti-chan and asked, "So where's Ruckus' most honourable receipt?"
"Somehow I don't think I want to find out," Dark Mayhem glibly replied.
With a sigh, Pesti-chan left ChuChu Rocket to Riot, thankful that Hysterua had yet to march in and create the hybrid Pokerodent game: Team ChuChu Rocket. Though the odds were that the PMS-2 console would have given her a royal bitch-slapping with one of its vibrating controllers. Pesti-chan headed over to the balcony window, where Demolition had been strangely quiet in staring out at the city.
"What are you looking at?" Pesti-chan asked.
With a bemused smile on his face, Demolition casually replied, "A Gundam dressed up like some Sailor Senshi heading straight towards our balcony. I think it's locked its weapons on us too."
Pesti: o.O;;;; "NA NI?!?!"
Demolition: "And somehow, I don't think it's here to try and sell us cookies."
Pesti-chan shrieked and split apart into his 6 super-deformed selves, who all screamed and bumped into each other as they tried to run for cover. SD Pesti #5 hauled out a megaphone and tried to call out instructions for evacuation, all the time telling the apartment residents to remain calm. Carnage was quick to stuff SD Pesti #5 into the megaphone and boot it through the living room ceiling.
SD Pesti #4 simply ran around in circles, exclaiming how if he ran fast enough, he'd be able to disrupt the timestream and travel back into the past so he could warn everyone of the impending doom. Demolition was quick to boot SD Pesti #4 through the living ceiling right after SD Pesti #5.
SD Pesti #3 figured that the explosion from the crash would be perfect to propel him towards his next panty-raiding adventure, so he put on some aviator goggles and a windbreaker, ready to snag more undies for his own private collection. Riot was quick to boot SD Pesti #3 through the front door.
SD Pesti #2 decided that if he was going to do down, at least he was going to go down drinking, and so he raided the bar in the kitchen. And upon seeing SD Pesti #2 try to pillage his precious limited supply of Daiginzyoo-syu Sake, Dark Mayhem booted the chibi-Pesti through the kitchen ceiling.
And as all the punting was going on, SD Pesti #1 was stuffed into SD Pesti #6's giant catapult and aimed at the incoming plane.
SD Pesti #1: ;_; "Mako-chaaaaaaaaaaaan!!"
SD Pesti: #6: "Daijobu! Even though you'll probably killed when you hit the Sailor Gundam and send it off-course, I'm sure we'll dedicate a can of coffee to you, or something like that."
SD Pesti #6 abruptly felt four very unimpressed shadows looming over him. He looked up, only to see Riot, Carnage, Demolition and Dark Mayhem staring down at him. Seconds later, SD Pesti #6 was stuffed into the catapult alongside SD Pesti #1, and both were unleashed towards the plane.
"Gee, maybe we should have opened the balcony window first before we launched them," Demolition remarked.
"Most honourable details, most honourable details," Riot scoffed, waving it aside.
Needless to say, two chibified Pesti-chans coming right through the entry hatch of the Gundam did not help the mamequin's already dubious piloting. SD Pesti #6 landed right on one of the control panels and deployed the Sailor Gundam's beam sabre of love & justice. And SD Pesti #1 happened to have his fall broken by Indiana Chaos' face.
Indiana Chaos: [trying to sit up right] "Ya-ho! You sure you don't have anymore complimentary peanuts on this--?"
SD Pesti #1: "KYAAAAAAA!!!"
Indiana Chaos: o.O;;;
As the SD Pesti bounced right off his face, Indiana Chaos was sent spinning backwards, where coincidentally enough, his fall was cushioned by the Gundam's self-destruct button.
One large N-2 Mine explosion later, Chaos slowly dragged his bedraggled self through the front door of the apartment. "Now I know why Harrison Ford reads over the scripts before signing on to do one of these things," he groaned. "Itaaaaiii!!"
"You think you feel bad?" warbled the charred SD Pesti #6, who was fused to Chaos' back.
"Mako-chaaaaaaan...." came SD Pesti #1's voice from beneath Chaos' smoking shoes.
Dark Mayhem chuckled and shook his head. "Did you at least get the lake god this time around?" he inquired as he headed back to the kitchen.
"It's not as much a god of the lake as it is a god of a really small puddle of water," Chaos sighed as he trudged into the bathroom. "If anyone needs me, I'll be taking a shower."
Demolition nudged Carnage. "Ne, shouldn't we have warned him about Ruckus already bathing in there?"
Carnage shrugged. "Oh, I'm sure he'll manage somehow."
Chaos: ^___^ [settling down into the tub] "Aaaah! Nothing soothes the aching avatar like a good hot soak."
Ruckus: ^^v [popping up out of the water!] "And a nice back-washing too!"
Chaos: ^___^ "Hai! A nice back-washing is always--(o.O;) KYAAAAAA!!"
Ruckus: ;p "Hold still, you! I can't fondle all your bits and pieces if you keep thrashing around in the water like this!"
Sometime later, Chaos emerged from the bathroom, soaked, covered in suds and sporting numerous handprints courtesy of Ruckus. "As if the day hasn't already been traumatic enough," he muttered after he came out from his bedroom with some fresh clothes on.
"Tell me about it," a newly assembled Pesti-chan mumbled from the dining room table. "No thanks to you, I might add, Chaos."
Chaos rolled his eyes. "You make it sound like almost everything wrong that happens in our series is because of me, Pesti-chan."
"Isn't it?" Riot asked, scratching his head.
Chaos' eyebrow twitched.
"You know," Carnage remarked as he sprawled out on the couch to read some of the new Gundam Seed manga. "Given how Chaos seems to be attracted to disaster like a magnet, you might want to warn him."
"Warn me about what?" Chaos inquired as he emerged from his bedroom.
"When you try to do your laundry and get attacked by a youma made completely from dryer lint, you'll find out what we mean," Dark Mayhem explained.
Chaos nodded. "Ah, I see." Abruptly a sweatdrop appeared next to him. "Um...what do you mean by 'when'? What happened to 'if'?"
"We're three seasons and countless fics into the series," Pesti-chan said. "Your idiocy's getting rather predictable. I'm just surprised our author's still able to come up with new and non- recycled ideas."
"Speaking of surprises!" Chaos added, a grin spreading across his face.
"Coming from Chaos, that can't be a good surprise," Demolition said aside to Riot.
Riot nodded and began fishing around in his sleeves. "This would appear a most opportune time to get out the most honourable anti-Chaos earmuffs."
Yet before Riot managed to find the items in question, Chaos dramatically leapt into the living room and pulled out from under his shirt a Chaosfic manuscript! "Presenting my newest fic," he said proudly. "'The Big O-Parts'!!"
[Cue Mosquiton & Dorothy R. Wainright somewhere beneath Paradigm City!]
Dorothy: ^-^ "Oh, wow! Look, a Megadeus!"
Mosquiton: "Oh, wow! Look, we're probably all gonna die!"
Chaos beamed as he surveyed the disbelief on the other fanboys' faces. "So, what do you think?"
Panic in his eyes, Demolition turned to Riot. "It looks like he's about to get another idea! Faster, Riot, faster! Where are those earmuffs?"
"I'm most honourably trying!" Riot protested, yanking a large blow-up Saito doll out from his sleeves. Riot sweatdropped. "Shimatta! Ruckus, how many times have I told you not to store your things in my most honourable sleeves?"
"So how about this idea then?" Chaos said, scribbling down something in a handy dandy notepad. "A new fanfic called 'Wag the Daimon'. Neo Queen Serenity's rise to power is being met by fierce global opposition, so the Senshi decide to 'wag the dog' and stage a phony world-wide war! Ami runs the entire charade, complete with Black Moon attack ships, a holographic Wiseman, and a few annihilated continents. By the end, the world worships Neo Queen Serenity like she was a goddess! And so Crystal Tokyo is born! Is that not a perfect idea?"
"Outside of the fact that Usagi in any incarnation abhors violence, death, lies and bloodshed?" Pesti-chan idly remarked.
Chaos blinked a few times, then looked down at his notepad again. "Minor setback, that's all. Hmmm...perhaps I should try finishing my 'Hana Juri Dango' fic instead."
Carnage turned to Dark Mayhem. "Are you absolutely sure I can't kill him?"
"Well, he's certainly proved resilient to smites in the past," Dark Mayhem said, gesturing to Chaos. "I doubt you'll actually pull it off, but if you're welcome to try if you feel so inclined."
Leaving Chaos to his delusions of grandeur (which should not be confused with any sort of delusion of Grandia), the other fanboys went about their lounging. Pesti-chan, Demolition and Dark Mayhem started flipping through channels on the TV, and settled on a rerun of the idol girl series, Creamy Mami. Hey, it was either that or a Hamtaro marathon. Carnage flopped out on one of the other couches and continued reading his manga. Riot started a spring- cleaning on the hidden pockets inside his clothes, and was surprised when he pulled out a whipping chain, a rotisserie barbeque, and half of Yumiko Readman's book collection.
And Chaos spent most of his time trapped in the kitchen, fending an amorous Ruckus off with a spatula and a set of salad tongs. Happily though, this didn't degenerate into yet another card-themed melee akin to Fighting Foodons. The epic battle, however, was pre-empted as Chaos made a leap to escape into the freezer, onto to have Havoc came crashing out from it.
"Well, that was rather rude of Pirotesse, don't you think?" Havoc remarked as he dusted himself off. "You'd think a Dark Elf would enjoy having someone test out the durability of her metal bra, but nooo! Such ingratitude, I tell you!"
Demolition sat up from his chair. "Were you molesting the elf-babes on Lodoss Island again?" He paused upon seeing a pair of Deedlit's blue panties on Havoc's head, them slumped back down in the chair, a stormcloud raining down on him. "I'll take that as a 'hotcha'. Some pervs get all the fanservice & fun."
Havoc brushed some of the dust and ice off his DOJI BOY shirt, got off Chaos and joined the rest of the fanboys in the living room. His usual Chichiri grin broadened as he saw the idol singer on TV. Or more specifically, a shot solely of the idol singer's cleavage.
"Hey, I know those bosoms!" Havoc said, leaning over the couch. "Creamy Mami, ne?"
Pesti-chan sweatdropped. "Just how the hell do you do that anyways, Havoc?"
"It's a Creamy Mami marathon," Dark Mayhem said, heading over to the fridge for some Hard Lemonade. "It's either we watch this, or we listen to Chaos create new terrors on paper."
Havoc sighed and shook his head. "I'm not a big Creamy Mami fan myself. It was the biggest disappointment of my life! With the word 'creamy' in the title I was expecting a hentai, and all I got was an idol girl's show."
Meanwhile, Chaos was busy at the dinner table, the gears in his brain flying loose as he worked on a new fanfic concept. "How about Charlie's Battle Angels?" he ventured.
Pesti-chan made a face. "Gyaaa...that's almost as bad as Hysteria's idea: Charlie's Nurse Angels Ririka."
"How about mine?" Ruckus remarked as he sauntered along the ceiling. "Charlie's Angel Sanctuary?"
Havoc shook his head. "Bah, amateur fic writers. Come now, we all know that the best fic for this would have to be 'Charlie's New Angels.'"
"You know," Dark Mayhem remarked, returning from the kitchen with an armload of Hard Lemonade bottles. He surveyed the frozen, horrified expressions on Carnage and Demolition's faces. "I think we've just discovered the one thing more terrifying than a single fanboy trying to create a crossover fic gone awry: fanboys resonating ideas on how to create a crossover fic gone awry. Hard Lemonade?"
Demolition nodded, his face still etched in horror. "Lots of it."
"Can't take this brainstorming sober," Carnage added, grabbing the bottle in Dark Mayhem's hand.
"Now take my newest fanfic idea," Havoc was saying, oblivious to Carnage's dangerously combustible blood-alcohol level. "An all- new retelling of that classic OVA series, Jungle De Ikou, with new onsen scenes and more fanservice, and a better lemon flavour. I call it: Jungle De Iku!"
Pesti: [flipping through the script] "Natsumi gains the power of Mei, the DEFLOWER spirit?!?!?"
Havoc: v^^v "Hai!"
Carnage: "I'll show you a deflowering, Havoc! GAAV FLARE!!!"
"Shimatta," Dark Mayhem sighed as the smoke cleared in the aftermath of Carnage's spell. "And that was a good dining table too."
"Who cares about the dining table!" a thoroughly scorched Chaos squeaked. "Look at what he did to my pants!"
Suddenly, who should burst through the front door of their apartment but the hapless, wandering fanboy: Desolation!! And in true Desolation form, he was screaming maniacally and thrashing about in agony. The backpack he wore was flung aside, its contents spilling out on the coffee table.
Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "What's wrong?"
Desolation: ;_; "Papercut!! Make the torment and pain stop!"
Fanboys: -.-;;; "......"
Pesti-chan: "The guy who's seen more pain than the test audience for the Super Radical Gag Family is suffering worst of all from a pithy little papercut?
[Desolation grabs the Sword of Light from Demolition & lobs his own hand off!]
Desolation: ^-^ "Aaaaaaaahhhhh...much better."
Demolition: o.O;;; "My sword!"
Pesti: o.O;; "My rug! You're bleeding profusely over my rug, Deso!"
Pesti-chan turned towards the kitchen. "Quick, Ebichu, grab a mop and bucket!" he called out. But after a few moments, nobody showed up. "Ebichu? Ebichu, are you there?"
"I haven't seen our housekeeping hamster all day," Chaos said with a shrug.
Pesti-chan began to rummage through the kitchen cupboards in his search for their housekeeping hamster. "You don't think Rampage at her, did you?"
"Wouldn't know," Carnage replied. "Haven't seen Rampage or Catastrophe yet."
"Come to think of it, I haven't seen any of the fangirls all day either," Dark Mayhem added. "Sarcasm usually roams out for a cameo at least once or twice by this time, and Hysteria hasn't dragged any new victims off to her kawaii tea party-chan either. Not to mention we've got Sake in the apartment, but no Anarchy."
"Rather odd, ne?" Riot remarked.
"Who cares about missing fangirls?!" shrieked Pesti-chan. "He's staining the rug! Ack! No Deso! Not onto the tiled floor! I just buffed that this morning! KYAAAAAA!!!!"
"Ne, Demo-chan, why not cast a Cure spell or something on him," Carnage yawned.
Upon hearing that, Demolition sniffed indignantly and tore open his shirt, flexing his numerous muscles in many different macho poses. "Who needs Cure spells when you've got manly abs of steel!" he proclaimed. "I need no White Mage to help me! Healing is for the weak!"
"Uh, yeah, that's why we have it, Demo," Dark Mayhem said, sweatdropping.
Desolation: [sticking his wrist stump against the Sword of Light!] "Cauterize, damn you! Cauterize!"
Demolition: [eyebrow twitch!] "You're cleaning the bloodstains off the light particles there, Deso."
The emergency mostly over, Chaos and Dark Mayhem started to casually check out the contents of Desolation's pack. "Um...Deso?" Chaos asked, pointing towards an immense shard of white crystal. "Just what is that?"
Desolation shrugged as he bled all over the rug, much to Pesti-chan's abject horror. "No idea. I've always had that. I think it's a souvenir from one of the Anime series I visited when I first showed up in the fics. Can't recall from where though. But it looks cool enough; I've been thinking about giving that to Kasumi for a present."
"I could turn it into a most honourable crystal swan sculpture," Riot suggested, drawing his katana blade.
"How about instead you make a big, nekkid bust of Touga?" Ruckus offered, a big grin on his face and drool hanging down his chin.
Riot sweatdropped. "Your worry me sometimes, you know that?"
Ruckus giggled and glomped Riot. "Aw, imagine a kawaii little samurai-chan's worried about me!"
"Gyaa! Release me, you yaoi ninja!" Riot exclaimed, reverting into SD mode as he tried to escape. "Or you shall taste the wrath of anything-goes, martial arts chibi-fu!"
Pesti-chan was still checking out the large crystal shard. "It looks pretty cool. I wonder where we can get one of these things."
Dark Mayhem and Carnage slowly turned to each other, sweatdropped at the realization of what the crystal actually was, and immediately started to back away.
"Deso," Carnage said rather nervously. "That's no ordinary crystal. That's the 'Milly Stone' from the Lost Universe TV series."
"So?" Chaos said.
"That crystal has the power to arrange the dimensions of time and space," Dark Mayhem said. "In the show, it completely rearranged the interior of Kane's ship in a totally incoherent and unpredictable manner. You stroll down towards the bridge, you suddenly walk into the engine room. You go back out that same door, and you've found the bathroom. It even warped the folds of space itself."
Demolition crossed his arms over his chest as he stared at the Milly Stone on their coffee table. "No wonder you get so lost, Deso," he remarked. "Every time you turn around, this thing keeps shifting Anime's on you. And here we just thought you had no sense of direction, like Ryoga Hibiki."
"A-Ano...." Pesti-chan stammered nervously. "If the Milly Stone can rearrange time and space like that...what sort of effect is it going to have inside our omakefic?"
Chaos scoffed and waved Pesti-chan's fears aside. "Daijobu, Pesti-chan. I doubt it'll have any sort of ill reaction with our series at all!"
[Cue the omake theatre!!]
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