OMAKE THEATRE!!!



          Earth.
          The distant future.
          The United Planets Space Force (UPSF) has run afoul with the Raalgon Empire, a race of space-faring beings with a technology slightly superior to that of Earth's. In their own home system, the Raalgon Empire has completely dominated everything around them, and are looking at establishing a universal military supremacy. With the Raalgons encroaching on the UPSF's border territories, the UPSF has mobilized fleets upon fleets of battleships in the hopes of keeping the Raalgons at bay. The result has been years upon years of Cold War between Earth and the Raalgons, where both sides are patiently awaiting the other to initiate a full-scale war.
          However, something unexpected has occurred.
          The former reigning Raalgon Emperor, Goza XV, has died. Leaderless, the Raalgon's political world is now lost in turmoil and upheaval. And to make matters worse, the Raalgon High Command has wasted no time in laying the blame on the UPSF for the death of their Emperor. The demand is high that Empress Azalyn, the teenage heiress to the throne, take action and give the command for the Raalgon forces to retaliate against Earth.
          On the hand, the admirals of the UPSF are also insisting that their own fleets take the initiative and attack the Raalgons, stating that the current political disarray in the empire makes the Raalgons vulnerable to an all-out assault.
          Both forces are poised to strike, and a long, bloody war may be appearing on the horizon that is tomorrow.
          But what neither side counted on was the surprise appearance of a space pirate so legendary, so daring, so pissed out of his mind that he could only be...

                              IRRESPONSIBLE CAPTAIN HARLOCK!!!


          Poised on the edge of UPSF space, a fleet of Raalgon warships awaited their next orders. They were among dozens if not hundreds of other small fleets sitting on the borderline, just biding their time until a full-scale invasion order was sent down from Empress Azalyn. However, this particular fleet was very significant not only for its impressive size, but that it was also the envoy for the Raalgon mothership.
          An enormous ship resembling three organic, interconnected pods, it was Azalyn's home away from home. Naturally the Raalgon's were intent on keeping her and the ship undisturbed. As a result, the fleet admirals had sent for Commander Dom (no relation to Piro, Largo or Ed here) to lead this particular fleet. It was a well- known fact that Dom was the most brilliant commander in the Raalgon fleet, and he was only 23.
          He also happened to be an impossibly bishie redhead, and rumours had it that Sarcasm was looking to recruit him for her harem. If she hadn't already forged his signature and signed him on anyways.
          The mothership fleet had been idle for almost two days now, and the majority of the crews were either getting twitchy or lackadaisical and slacking off. On Dom's ship that was a rare thing to see; he kept his crew occupied with drills, tactical simulations and strict disciplinary actions should he catch any Raalgon officer shirking their duties.
          It was understandable then, that Dom's ship was the first to pick up on an unidentified craft heading on a direct, yet utterly erratic course towards the mothership.
          "Battle stations!" Dom ordered, pushing back his mantle and arising from his captain's chair.
          Dozens of Raalgon bridge officers were already scrambling to get an ID on the approaching vessel. So far barely any of them could get a fix on the ship, since it was zigzagging so wildly and unpredictably. Yet Commander Dom had been in countless space battles in the past, so he had studied many enemy captains and their oft-used tactics.
          And given the way the steering mechanism on this particular ship seemed to be broken, he had a disturbing suspicion as to who the intruder might be.
          "Is it the Soyokaze?" he asked.
          One of the officers at the radar shook his head. "No...worse! It's the Arcadia!"
          As if on cue, the viewscreen was able to focus in on the offending ship.
          Dom and his bridge crew found themselves staring at a giant, black starship that vaguely resembled an old Earth sea-faring battleship. And where an enormous white skull & crossbones had been painted onto the bow of the ship, there was instead an enormous yellow happy face grinning at them. Beneath it was sloppily painted the captain's slogan: "Don't worry, be hentai."
          Dom sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. "I hate it when I'm right," he muttered to himself.
          In the past, he'd been sometimes confounded, though usually left completely exasperated by the Arcadia. Many of the Raalgon's feared the renowned Captain Harlock for his gall, ingenuity and fearlessness; they thought that no one would be able to get inside a genius brain like Harlock's and see what made it tick.
          Don, on the other hand, had figured that out long ago.
          Namely, Harlock had been spending the entire UPSF/Raalgon Cold War absolutely smashed out of his mind. The man's cargo holds on the Arcadia were rumoured to be stocked from wall to wall and floor to ceiling with bottles of any sort of alcohol.
          "Commander!" one of the Raalgon officers called out. "He's heading straight into the fleet!"
          Dom looked up at the ceiling of his bridge and shook his head. Harlock must have been seriously boozed up this time around. "Alert the rest of the fleet, if they haven't already picked up on his signal," he ordered. "I want them all to lock their weapons on the Arcadia, but no one is to fire until I order so."
          "Hai!" everyone else chorused.
          "Not that shooting him will work, I bet," Dom said quietly. "That man has the dumbest luck I have ever seen."
          Within seconds, the entire Raalgon fleet went into an offensive position, the ships re-deploying themselves and training their weapons in the giant yellow happy face smiling back at them. Commander Dom patched the other Raalgon captains onto the comm., so they could brief each other on the ongoing battle.
          "So this is the nefarious Harlock you keep warning me about, Dom," Raalgon Admiral Donan sneered as he watched the Arcadia weave left and right. He took another large bite of his gargantuan turkey leg. "Looks more suicidal than anything, taking on a fleet of our size all by himself. I'll grind him into sub-atomic particles!"
          Dom remained dubious of their odds. "Captain, might I remind you that--"
          "FIRE!!!" Donan bellowed, cutting Dom off.
          The entire Raalgon fleet unleashed their awesome fury, a deluge of wave cannons and particle beams erupting across the heavens and shooting straight towards the Arcadia. With about three hundred different volleys being fired at it, it would take a miracle for the Arcadia to avoid every last one of them.
          Fortunately, Harlock had two miracles handy, and they were both called Sake.
          The other Raalgon captains boggled as the Arcadia danced in and out and around the flood of attacks, narrowly missing some blasts and veering easily away from others. Explosions went off all over, and yet the Arcadia just kept on coming closer, emerging from one fiery plume after another, its hull not even singed from the blazes.
          "M-Maska!" Donan exclaimed, nearly choking on his drink. "How can he avoid our fleet's entire firepower?"
          "He must be a highly skilled pilot indeed," another Raalgon Commander added.
          But in actually, Harlock was just totally drunk & spinning the wheel of his ship back and forth at random.

Harlock: ^-^ "Left! Right! Left! Right! Near! Far! Near! Far! Nearer! Nearer still!"

          "Sir," one of the Dom's bridge officers said. "He's hailing us!"
          Dom winced slightly. "What's his message?"
          "Put it over the entire fleet's comm. system, so we can all hear it," Admiral Donan said.
          Dom shook his head. "I do not think that's a wise course of--"
          But Admiral Donan would hear nothing of it. "Do it now!"
          The entire fleet waited as there was a crackle over space, followed immediately by the booming voice of Harlock.

Irresponsible Captain Harlock: ;p "WAZZUP?!"

Admiral Donan: o.O;;;

Commander Dom: [sigh!] "Baka."

          [Cue the Galaxy Express 69 train chugging along through the far reaches of space!]

Havoc: ^-^ "So like I was saying, Matael, lace is definitely your thing! Forget leather or silk. This sort of negligee accentuates your impossibly long lashes perfectly."

Matael: "So many inhabited worlds in the sea of stars--with all sorts of people and lifeforms. And to think it needs only one Earthling like you to keep hentai constantly evolving."

Havoc: ^^v "That's what I'm here for!"

Phone: *RING!*

Havoc: [picking up the receiver] "Give me a second, Matael-chan. Moshi moshi?"

Irresponsible Captain Harlock: ;p "WAZZUP?!"

Havoc: ;p "WAZZUP?!"

Irresponsible Captain Harlock: ;p "AHHHHH!!"

Havoc: ;p "AHHHH!!"

Irresponsible Captain Harlock: "So what'cha up to?"

Havoc: "Having a babe, watching the Doji."

Irresponsible Captain Harlock: "True. True."

Commander Dom: [sigh!] "Oh, what the hell. If you can't beat them... WAZZUP?!"

Irresponsible Captain Harlock: ;p "WAZZUP?!"

Havoc: ;p "WAZZUP?!"



*          *          *

          With the Omake Theatre done, Chaos slowly turned back to the rest of the fanboys, an embarrassed grin on his face. "Then again, I could be wrong!"

          [Cue the facevaults!]

          "Oh, sugoi," Dark Mayhem muttered. "Thanks, Deso. You've just turned the fic into a Dadaist play."
          "Gomen nasai," Desolation sniffled.
          "Great, now this fic makes about as much sense as the ending to Movie Gear Solid 2," Demolition groaned.
          Pesti-chan scratched his head. "Um...don't you mean Metal Gear Solid 2, Demo?"
          "You obviously weren't around when we finished the game," Carnage said. He shook his head in disgust. "The ending movie begins. We sit there and watch it. Five minutes later, we go grab some drinks. The movie's still going on. Ten minutes later we order Dim Sum. The Dim Sum arrives a half hour later...and the movie's still going!! Could there be anything more ill-conceived?"
          Dark Mayhem thumbed over at Chaos. "What about his proposal for that new TV series: Violence Jackass?"
          "Actually," Chaos said. "What worries me more is that the network execs loved the idea and bought the rights to it. Apparently I'm making a killing in the ratings."
          Riot shook his head as he strolled up to the front door and opened it. Waiting on the other side was Goku sitting on the toilet and reading a newspaper.

Goku: [annoyed] "Do you mind?"

Riot: ^^;;;;; "I've been scared shitless too much lately."

          Closing the door behind him, Riot glanced back at the other fanboys. "Somehow I have a most dishonourably bad feeling about this."
          He then tried opening the front door again. This time he found himself staring at two unusually perky teenagers standing in a green field filled with deranged buildings, butterflies and giant dancing trees.

Seiichi: ^^v: "Ohayo! I'm Tachibara Seiichi, from the popular high school Kamichita High, 2nd class, 12th seat!"

Momo-chan: ^^v "We'd join you for the rest of your fic, but since he likes us now he won't take us out. Gomen!"

          Riot immediately slammed the door shut.
          "Wow, you just opened a door into Guu's stomach," Chaos said.
          Pesti-chan smacked Chaos upside the back of the head. "That isn't a good thing, Chaos! Mako-chan and I were going to meet here before going out on an afternoon date. How is she supposed to find the apartment if we're shifting all over the Aniverse?"
          "Why don't you try contacting her?" Demolition suggested. "I mean, if she's not at home to answer her phone, I'm sure Mayhem can hack into that little Senshi pager of hers for you."
          "No problem," Dark Mayhem said, sitting down in front of the computer. "I've hacked the Real before, I can hack some wristwatch communicators anytime."
          Meanwhile, Havoc wandered over to one of the cupboard doors in the kitchen and opened it up. A giant pile of panties came tumbling down, burying him. "Hotcha!" came Havoc's muffled cheer from beneath the pile of underwear. "Now this is my kinda crystal!"
          The next ten minutes were spent in complete and utter disarray, as the fanboys tried desperately to figure out where things were. Chaos tried using the little avatar's room, and wound up walking straight into Alucard's line of fire as the vampire was busy dispatching of some ghouls. But luckily for Chaos, since he had a compact brain (reduced to 40% its usual size) like Duramuramu, the bullet went straight in one ear and out the other without any damage whatsoever.
          Riot tried to get some fresh air out on the balcony, but when he slid open what was left of the window, he found himself gazing into Galaxia's throne room. And Galaxia wasn't thrilled at the sudden disruption to her game of checkers against Beryl.
          Still trying to raise Makoto on the phone, Pesti-chan glanced back at the dining room table...and promptly sweatdropped upon seeing Ruckus sitting at one of the dining room chairs with Ken from team Weib on his lap.
          "Wouldn't you know it?" Ruckus said with a grin. "The oven opens right up into the Koneko no Sumu flower shop!"
          Pesti-chan shuddered and went back to redialling Makoto's number again.
          Carnage, hoping to get a spare beam sabre to clean out his fingernails, opened up the broom closet leading into his room, and discovered that instead there was an army of Leo mecha units drifting in space, their weapons trained right at him.
          Carnage glanced over at Riot. "This will only take a minute," he said, drawing a twin satellite cannon. He paused, then traded the twin satellite cannon in for a Buster Beam cannon. "Make that twelve seconds, unless there's a few stray survivors."
          Oblivious to the sudden explosions lighting up the front entry of the apartment, Desolation and Demolition had lifted up the one end of Pesti-chan's blood-soaked rug and were gazing at a gaping inter-dimensional portal where the floor beneath the rug should have been. Sitting happily in the air, Xellos took a sip of tea and waved at them.
          Bewildered, Demolition and Desolation waved back.

Desolation: "Ano...what are you doing underneath the rug?"

Xellos: ^^v "Sore wa...himitsu desu!"

Demolition: -.-;; "Doesn't he ever get tired of saying that line?"

Xellos: ^^v "Sore wa--"

Demolition: [irate, oversized head mode!] "Will you cut that out?!"

          And true to form, Havoc was having a wonderful time in the kitchen as he opened up cupboard door after cupboard door, heaps of women's panties tumbling out and burying him in their laces and silk. Very soon the pile was up to the ceiling, with still more undies tumbling down the pile as the pile crept into the hallway and dining room.
          "Ne," Havoc remarked, underwear dangling off his head. "Would you say I have a plethora of panties now, Pesti-chan?"
          Pesti-chan sweatdropped. "Since when did you start reading a thesaurus, Havoc?"
          "I wonder how many different words there are for 'perverted little freakbiscuit'," murmured Carnage.
          Just then Chaos emerged from Pesti-chan's bedroom door, failing to notice the Agumon that had latched onto his leg. No one really wanted to ask either. "You know, those silver bullets Alucard uses can really clean out your ears," Chaos said cheerfully.
          Chaos strolled into the dining room and found himself knee- deep in panties. "Ne, where'd the kitchen go?"
          Havoc's head popped out from the giant mound o' underwear. "Today's kitchen special features fanservice with a smile! Hotcha!"
          "Smile at this, you perverted freak," Carnage snapped. "SCATTER BLEED!!!"
          Several dozens of energy spheres erupted from Carnage's palms and swarmed towards Havoc. However, the spheres came to an abrupt halt, then did a 180 degree turn and swarmed towards Desolation. Demolition and Pesti-chan dove for cover behind the couches as Desolation was spatter-gored all over the walls and ceiling.

Desolation's upper torso: "Hmmm...that was a new spell to get hit with. My fingers are all kinda tingly now!"

Dark Mayhem: [pointing to a blood smear on the wall] "You mean those fingers?"

Carnage: ^^;;; "Um...sorry about that, Deso!"

          Dark Mayhem shook his head as Demolition and Chaos tried to help reassemble Desolation's various body parts. "Okay, 'Wu' perforating aside, how are we doing?"
          "I've tried calling Makoto about seven times already," Pesti-chan said, flopping down on one of the unsullied chairs. "She's not answering."
          "Maybe she's in most honourable transit then," Riot offered. "I always find it hard to make use of my phone-fu when I am most honourably leaping through the trees."
          Pesti-chan blinked a few times. "Um...yeah. Okay. But the thing is, I've also tried to call Usagi, Ami and Rei too. No one's answering their phones."
          Dark Mayhem scowled and swung his swivel chair back around to face the computer. He started calling up some new folders stored in their database. Demolition leaned over Dark Mayhem's shoulder "Any luck with those pager thingies?"
          "Nothing," Dark Mayhem replied, his fingers clicking away on the keyboard. "And that's what I don't like. We've got their line...but there's only static. Either all the Senshi have suddenly gone out of range--"
          "Doubtful," Carnage said. "Their communicators have the range of the satellite arrays on most of my mobile suits."
          Dark Mayhem nodded. "I know. The only other option is this: something else is interfering."
          "Someone doesn't want me to date Mako-chan today?!" Pesti- chan exclaimed. He glared up at the ceiling. "Damn you, His lordship Chaos, what have I done lately to deserve your wrath?!"
          "Most foreboding," Riot said. "I would advice a bout of anything-goes, martial arts search-fu."
          Ruckus immediately put up his hand. "I vote I search with Chaos-cutey! He might get lost!"
          "What?!" Chaos exclaimed. "Do I look like Desolation here, Ruckus?"
          Desolation could only shrug. "I'm impressed I've just been in the scene for as long as I have. Usually a smite like that Slayers spell would have blown me elsewhere." He grinned and flashed the fanboys a V-sign. "I guess this is my lucky fic!"
          Seconds later he was clobbered by the alien mecha unit, Rah- Xephon.
          "That's going to be a bitch of a hole in the ceiling to fix," Demolition remarked.
          "Hai hai," Dark Mayhem agreed. "Chaos can pay for it with his cash from selling the rights to Violence Jackass. In the meantime, it looks like we'll need to spread out and search for the Senshi as best we can."
          "And just how are we going to accomplish that while the Milly Stone's screwing up all our normal exit points?" Chaos asked.
          Desolation's muffled voice came from beneath Rah-Xephon's foot. "We may be able to locate one of the Senshi just by opening up any door in the apartment. The crystal creates randomly-chosen portals, after all."
          Riot shrugged helplessly. "It's better than nothing."
          "I vote for blowing something up," Carnage said. "Can we fit that somewhere into the search and rescue operation?"
          Dark Mayhem sighed. "I doubt we'd be able to stop you, Carnage. Okay, everyone pick a room and start opening doors at random. I'll stay here in the living room and see what we can find here in the database. Let's try to get back here in an hour or so."
          Pesti-chan headed for the bathroom, while Carnage ducked into what he hoped would be his room via the hall closet. Ruckus decided on Chaos' bedroom, while Chaos got "volunteered" to explore Hysteria's room, and Demolition checked out Dark Mayhem's room. Havoc, on the other hand, just ventured into the pan-dimensional pocket inside his DOJI BOY shirt, and vanished.
          Not about to tempt fate again with the front door, Riot took Sarcasm's bedroom door.
          And Chaos was more than happy to tempt fate and open the front door. Upon opening it up, Gaghiel's mouth came out and ate him, the door closing shut as he was gulped down.
          Dark Mayhem shook his head and headed towards the computer. Then he suddenly noticed how he wasn't the only fanboy left in the living room. Glancing over his shoulder, her asked Desolation, "What are you still doing here?"
          Sniffled Desolation, "I can't find my way out of here."
          One of Dark Mayhem's eyebrows twitched. "Then let me help you."
          That said, he booted Desolation through the front door. Seconds later, Desolation came toppling out from inside the fridge. "That wasn't very nice!" Desolation grumped, rubbing his backside.
          "Didn't I just punt you elsewhere?" Dark Mayhem said, scratching his head in confusion.

Page 4
Back to Fanfics