Upon the bridge of his flagship, Captain Hargen smiled to himself. Yes indeed, his freaky not-so-bishieness grinned a mighty not-so-bishie grin and combed his fingers through his long lavender hair and licked the plum lipstick on his lips. He reclined back in his captain's chair...which happened to be submerged into the floor, giving him an impressive view as all the White Delmo's in their short skirts walked on past him.
The golden epaulets on his shoulders, moulded to resemble a nude woman leaning forward as she straddled his shoulders, shone in the lights from all the console screens and flickering buttons.
"Hargen-sama," one of the White Delmo's reported, walking up to his chair and saluting him (not to mention giving him a fantastic glimpse of her panties). "All stations have reported. We are ready to begin the operation."
Hargen smiled to himself. "And now with the Ragh metal in our possession, we can destroy the earth. No doubt dropping the Ragh on the Tokyo Tower will cause an instant meltdown of Japan, and then trigger the end of the world. Humanity, the virus that has caused the slow desecration of Earth, will be wiped out, and the planet shall be made perfect again. And then I shall rise up as the new Adam, my ship's compliment of nubile young ladies to be my harem of Eves."
The White Delmo smiled and nodded. "Hai, Hargen-sama."
Leaning back in his chair, Hargen smirked at the ceiling. "Commence the operation. Oh, and you can sit here on my lap for it too."
The White Delmo blushed and silently nodded. The rest of the White Delmo's on the bridge began calling out orders and pushing buttons. The ship shuddered ever so slightly as its course was changed.
"Everything is proceeding as planned," Hargen said as the one White Delmo girl sat down on his lap. "We can dock at our underwater port, and then we can launch into orbit, leaving the Earth behind to wallow in the Ragh's destructive powers." He ran his tongue along the White Delmo's neck. "Nothing can stop me now."
"Well, maybe a vasectomy with a rusty Sword of Voltanders could," a new voice offered.
Hargen blinked a few times and then glanced over at Desolation, who was standing next to his chair. "And just what the hell are you doing on my bridge?" he demanded.
Desolation shrugged. "A very brief cameo?"
Suddenly a klaxon sounded.
"Hargen-sama!" one of the White Delmo's exclaimed frantically, spinning around in her chair. "There's another ship coming up fast on our starboard side! It's going to crash right into us!"
Hargen scowled and continued to fondle the White Delmo on his lap. "Evasive manoeuvres. And shoot that impudent ship from the skies. How dare he defy the mighty Hargen!" After a moment of pausing, he then asked, "Can you identify the vessel?"
"Ano...it's coming into view!" another White Delmo called out.
The main viewscreen was activated, and Hargen & his bridge crew found themselves staring at a gigantic bosom, a skull & cross- phalli painted on the nipple. A murmur ran through the ranks of the White Delmo's.
Hargen slowly rose from his chair, still intent on fondling the one Delmo girl in his clutches. "Masaka," he said, still locked in his monotone voice. "The Hindenboob? Here?" He turned to the White Delmo's. "Blow it out of the skies. Use every missile if you have to; I don't want that Havoc fanboy on my ship. This is my twisted little pervert's paradise, and I don't like sharing."
Desolation rolled his eyes. "The guy wears the wrong shade of lipstick, and he calls Havoc a twisted little freak?"
"Hush!" Hargen snapped. He turned to the White Delmo's. "What are you waiting for? Destroy the Hindenboob!"
"No good, Hargen-sama!" a White Delmo said. "They're too close! We fire on them now, and we'll be caught up in the explosion!"
Meanwhile, on the viewscreen the nipple of the Hindenboob grew larger and larger until they could see the painstaking detail of the nipple itself--
Desolation: ^-^ "And it's an Urushihara nipple, no less!"
Hargen: "Is that supposed to make me feel better?"
Desolation: "Oh, it always has to be about you, doesn't it? Well what about this otaku's needs, hm? I have pulpy, crushable organs just like everyone else!"
Hargen: [sweatdrop!] "What does that have to do with anything?"
Desolation: [shrug!] "Nothing much, really. I'm just milking my scene time here for all it's worth."
--and then the screen suddenly cut to static & snow.
"They're right on top of us!" one White Delmo exclaimed.
Another White Delmo girl activated the ship's intercom. "All hands, brace for impact!"
Seconds later, the entire ship lurched violently as the Hindenboob crashed right into it.
The Hindenboob ramming into the Holy Fox resulted in the Hindenboob's bridge smashing right through the hull, and into some of the lower decks of Hargen's ship. But luckily for the fanboys since Havoc was aboard, the second the bridge was torn to pieces, Havoc detonated into a big, cushy Cream Lemon tidal wave that flooded the corridors of Hargen's ship.
A number of hapless Black and Pink Delmo's were swept away in the process too.
Once the Cream Lemon tsunami lost its momentum and came to a stop, the fanboys' heads popped out from the bubbles of whipped cream.
"Subtle, Havoc," Dark Mayhem dryly remarked.
"Domo!" Havoc replied, his head emerging between two Delmo girl's legs sticking up in the air.
Chaos emerged complete with scuba gear and flippers. "Good thing I've been a part of the Sploot phenomenon enough times to come prepared."
"What about your speargun?" Dark Mayhem asked.
Chaos waved that aside. "Awww, why would I need a thing like that?"
Seconds later, a swarm of mecha piranhas leapt out from the whipped cream and pounced on Chaos.
Chaos: o.O;; "KYAAAAAAA!!!! They've got my arms! And legs! And face! And sexy ass!"
As Chaos thrashed about beneath the surface of the Cream Lemon, Demolition rolled his eyes and sauntered out, brushing off clumps of whipped cream from his armour. "Somehow when this all began, I thought we'd have a more dramatic entrance. Ne, anyone see where Riot disappeared to?"
"I'm over here," Riot said, seated upon a lifeguard's raised chair. He stared down into the depths of the Cream Lemon and the yanked a fishing pole out from his sleeves. The other fanboys sweatdropped as Riot cast his line into the whipped cream.
"Do I even want to know?" Ruckus asked, clinging comfortably to the wall just above the Cream Lemon line.
Riot's line went taut, and he gave a sharp yank on his fishing rod. The line came soaring out from the Cream Lemon, six SD Pesti-chans tenaciously clinging to it as they gasped for air. "Ah, I think I've caught my most honourable limit," Riot remarked with a grin.
"Okay, so we've managed to board this stupid, flying tin can," Carnage said as he waded out to shallower cream. "Now what?"
He sweatdropped as Desolation stumbled on by, the hapless lost fanboy flailing about.
Desolation: ;_; "I got Cream Lemon up my nose, and it's oozing out my eyeballs!"
Carnage: [gyaaaaa!] "Now there's an unnecessarily vivid mental image."
"Okay, I think our next course of action is perfectly and most honourably obvious," Riot said, clapping his hands dry. "We must storm the ship, subdue the most honourably scantily-clad Delmo girls with our smite-fu, and then take over the bridge and make that most dishonourable Hargen's head gush blood like a fire hydrant! Only together can we accomplish this daunting mission!"
He turned around...only to find the corridor deserted save for the Cream Lemon.
Riot sighed and shook his head. "Most dishonourable idiots."
The Delmo girls were put on high alert, with orders to find and kill the intruders. Heavily-armed Black and Blue Delmo's raced through the decks, doing an exhaustive room by room search to locate any sort of fanboy and perforate him with many small bullet holes. However, a few fanboys had cleverly disguised themselves as dust-bunnies lurking in the ship's HVAC system.
"I'm missing Sana-chan trying to broaden her horizons by acting in Kodomo Noh Omocha Theatre for this?" Chaos sighed as he crawled through one of the ship's cramped ventilation shafts.
Desolation sweatdropped as he crawled in behind Chaos. "Wasn't she one of the girls kidnapped, though?"
"Shhhh!" Pesti-chan hissed, leading the way. "Do you want us to get caught?"
The three paused near one of the ventilation grilles as a very tall and very drunk woman with long magenta hair and a very unpleasant attitude came staggering through the corridor beneath them. "Onii-sama!!" the drunken woman bellowed, taking another swig from the Sake bottle before launching it into the wall. "That slimy little raven-haired bitch! Just stringing my brother along! Why sleep with her when you could have me, onii-sama?!"
Delmo girls of all colour and rank scurried to get out of her way.
"Who's that?" Pesti-chan asked once the woman had passed by.
"That would be Nena, Hargen's lover," Chaos replied. "She also happens to be his sister."
Pesti-chan nodded. "Gotcha. She's his sister and--(o.O;;) Do I really want to know about this?"
"No, you don't," Desolation emphatically stated.
"Thought so. Now does she usually walk around the ship in revealing black negligee and a housecoat she doesn't even bother to do up?"
Desolation shrugged. "Yeah, that's pretty much her standard uniform in this place."
The two prepared to continue scouring the ventilation system. However, there was one problem. Namely the fact that all three of them were crouched right on top of the grillwork. With a loud crash, the grille beneath them went plummeting to the floor, Chaos & Desolation landing amidst a heap of dazed, swirly-eyed Pesti- chans.
"That could have gone better," SD Pesti #5 groaned as he pulled himself out from beneath SD Pesti's #4&6.
Chaos couldn't help but beam as he got up to his feet. "But on the plus side, I didn't break my lucky, super-bouncy rubber Gema ball!"
"That's my eyeball you've got there, you moron," a one-eyed Desolation huffed, snagging his eye back from Chaos.
"And I'm sure the world is a safe place as a result," SD Pesti #2 said dryly. He glanced down the corridor. "So, which way now, feckless leader?"
Suddenly a small army of Blue Delmo girls came charging down the right end of the corridor, bullets spraying the walls and floor all around Chaos and the SD Pesti-chans.
"Definitely not that way!" Chaos stated as he ducked a bullet.
Off he raced down the hallway, followed by a line of SD Pesti-chans scrambling left, right, and just-off-centre. Alarms started ringing all around them.
"This is Blue Delmo squad Sixteen," one of the Blue Delmo leaders stated over her headset. "We've sighted three...er, eight of the intruders on level ten!"
"Excellent," came Hargen's voice. "See to it that they suffer like anyone who's been forced to watch Bondage Queen Kate."
Chaos and the SD Pesti-chans continued to run hell-bent for Leather down the corridor, with Desolation in the rear carrying SD Pesti #1 and SD Pesti #6 (who was staring back the Delmo girls & exchanging insults about mothers with them) under his arms.
"Kuso," SD Pesti #2 hissed, ducking his head a part of the wall panel next to him was ripped apart by a bullet. "There must be twenty of them shooting all over the place!"
"And yet they can't even hit any of us," SD Pesti #4 added. "You don't think they're Stormtroopers, do you?"
Desolation shook his head. "Oh, they're shooting right at us all right."
"So why aren't they hitting us?" Chaos asked over his shoulder.
"Because all their bullets are inexplicably attracted to me!" Desolation exclaimed. "So far I've been shot eighty-six times! ITAAAII!!! Make that eight-seven times."
The fanboys rounded a bend, and Chaos spotted an open door. "Quick, in here!" he said, punting most of the SD Pesti-chans inside. Desolation flung the last two SD Pesti's inside and then shut the door behind them.
"Daijobu?" SD Pesti #5 asked.
Desolation hacked up a bunch of bullet shells, then gave the V-sign.
"Somehow that's not instilling a lot of confidence in me," SD Pesti #2 stated. "Ne, where are we anyways?"
The fanboys looked around, and discovered that the room consisted of rows upon rows of lockers, with a communal showering area and a few toilet stalls in the back. SD Pesti #4 skittered into one of the stalls, the excitement of the last few paragraphs too much for his chibi bladder to handle.
"Way to go, Chaos," SD Pesti #6 said, massaging his temples. "You just had us hide in a locker room. One that doesn't have any other way out save for the door that will probably be broken down by Delmo girls any second now!"
"Who cares?" piped up SD Pesti #3's voice from inside one of the lockers. "Look at the panties this babe wears! Hotcha, now that is what I call daring!"
SD Pesti #6 started kicking the locker door. "San-chan, you stupid perv, get outta there before I come in and kick your super deformed ass!"
"The maniacal little munchkins have a point," Desolation said. "We are kinda trapped in here now. How are we going to get out of this one? I mean it's not like we can steal some uniforms from the lockers and pretend we're Delmo officers."
He turned around, only to see Chaos now clad in a Black Delmo dress.
"Well, does it match my shoes?" Chaos asked
SD Pesti #2's eyebrow twitched as he slowly appraised Chaos' new uniform. "Okay, Chaos, that's good and all, but don't you think you'd look a little more convincing if you...oh, actually transformed into a girl instead of pretending to be one? You can do that, remember?"
SD Pesti #5 simply passed out from the shock of seeing Chaos crossdress.
Desolation sweatdropped. "That looks too damned good on you," he said. "Who the hell are you: Michikusa?!"
Chaos winked and wagged a finger at the other fanboys. "See? Crossplaying has its advantages. If only more Crossplayers could help save the world by posing as the scantily-clad, fanservicing women on a ship that's trying to destroy the planet, maybe then we'd truly be appreciated."
SD Pesti #2 remained dubious. "I don't think so, Chaos."
They all jerked their heads towards the door as there was a loud banging, accompanied by the all so cheery words of: "I saw them go in there! Remember, aim for their crotches first!"
Seconds later, the Blue Delmo's stormed into the locker room. What they found were 6 super-deformed Pink Delmo guys--er, girls in there along with Chaos. Needless to say, the Blue Delmo's were rather surprised.
"I could have sworn they went in here!" one of the Blue Delmo's said. "We've swept the entire hall, and this was the only door that didn't require a keycard for access."
Another Blue Delmo turned to Chaos. "Ne, have you seen any suspicious characters in here? Namely, male?"
Chaos grinned and adjusted his blouse. "Why no, Ma'am, we haven't seen anyone suspicious at--Minako?!"
Blue Delmo Minako gave Chaos a confused look. "How does a low-level Black Delmo know my name?"
SD Pesti #1's eyes widened and he immediately flung himself into the bosoms of another Blue Delmo girl. "Mako-chaaaaaan!" he sniffled.
Blue Delmo Makoto blinked in surprise at the chibi-Pink Delmo glomped onto her cleavage. "What the?"
Blue Delmo's Shampoo and Shayla-Shayla exchanged confused glanced with each other.
And as if the timing couldn't get any better, Desolation stepped out from a toilet stall, dressed in a Black Delmo uniform. "Damn, that's one cold breeze!" he remarked with a shiver as he rejoined the group.
"Oh! Just a minute!" Blue Delmo Corvette exclaimed as she studied the sincere smile on Chaos' face, and then the Megatokyo underoos sticking out beneath the mini-skirt. "These aren't members of the Delmo Squads, they're the cross-dressing intruders! Very risqué, yes!"
All the Blue Delmo's trained their guns on him.
Chaos: ~.- [striking a pose in his Black Delmo outfit!] "Oh, but admit it: I've got the sexiest calves of anyone in this room!"
SD Pesti #5: o.O;; "I don't think they really care!"
SD Pesti #2: "I know I sure as hell don't."
SD Pesti #4: ^^v "Say, this Pink Delmo skirt looks really smashing with my shoes."
SD Pesti #6: -.-;; "Shut up, Go."
Desolation: [brrrrr!] "Can we just hurry this scene along? I'm freezing my thighs off here!"
SD Pesti: #1: ;_; [still clinging to Makoto!] "Mako-chaaaaaaaaan, don't let me die!"
Blue Delmo Makoto: "Dammit, this thing's latched right onto my uniform! How the hell am I supposed to get him off me?"
SD Pesti #3: ^-^ [stripping Makoto nekkid!] "Allow me, Mako-cutie!"
Blue Delmo Makoto: o.O;; [blink blink!] "A-Ano..."
"You know," Dark Mayhem casually remarked to Demolition. "Usually when a foxy Anime babe feels me up, I'm quite flattered."
Demolition huffed and crossed his arms across his chest. "At least you're getting felt up, Newt-boy."
"Will you two be quiet already?" a Blue Delmo officer snapped as she searched Dark Mayhem for any hidden weapons. Satisfied that Dark Mayhem was unarmed, and completely ignorant of the giant sword strapped over Demolition's back (namely because she was fairly ignorant of Demolition, period), she called in a report on her headset. "This is Blue Delmo squad Four. We've captured two of the intruders near Mess Hall B."
"Excellent," crackled Hargen's voice over the headset, loud enough that Dark Mayhem and Demolition could hear. "Dispose of them and continue your search. There are still more on the loose, judging from the reports coming in."
The Blue Delmo stepped back and levelled her gun barrel with Dark Mayhem's crotch. "Hai, Hargen-sama."
"Any ideas on how to get out of this?" Demolition muttered to Dark Mayhem.
Still unnervingly calm, Dark Mayhem nodded. "Ducking would be a good idea," he remarked, and then dropped to the ground.
Demolition's eyes widened and he dropped to the floor alongside Dark Mayhem.
The stunned Blue Delmo's didn't even have the chance to ask what the two fanboys were doing; two enormous grey wolves straight from Mononoke Hime came charging around the corner, bounding over Dark Mayhem & Demolition, and bowling aside the Blue Delmo's. With a loud baying howl, the wolves tore Desolation in half, flung his severed torsos around, and then took off down the hall.
"Ah, non-sequitur sight gags," Dark Mayhem sighed wistfully as he got back up. "You have to adore them in these fics." He glanced over to Desolation, who was busy sewing his severed halves back together. "What are you doing here anyways, Deso?"
Demolition nodded in agreement. "I thought you went with Chaos and Pesti-chan."
Sniffled Desolation, "I did. I can't seem to get lost anymore. I wind up in every scene and I don't know how I do it."
Dark Mayhem and Demolition looked at each other and sighed, "The Milly Stone."
They looked around the corridor, but all the Delmo's had been knocked out after the wolf stampede.
"Where to now?" Desolation asked.
"Well, going elsewhere before they regain consciousness might a good idea," Demolition said.
Suddenly bullets started zipping all around them.
The three fanboys spun around, and saw that another squadron of Blue Delmo's had just rounded the bend right after the wolves. At the risk of stating the obvious, Dark Mayhem, Demolition and Desolation ran like hell through the labyrinth of corridors.
"In there!" Demolition said, pointing to a set of double doors to their left. "We can hide in there, I'm sure of it!"
"Are you absolutely sure about that?" Desolation asked.
Demolition grinned and quickened his pace. "My internal maps are never wrong. I've been able to navigate entire continents and hellish Final Fantasy mazes without ever making a wrong turn before in my life! No one will ever find us in--"
The three fanboys burst through the doors...and right into Mess Hall B, which was swarming with Delmo girls of all colours and ranks.
"--here," Demolition finished, a sweatdrop appearing next to his head.
Dark Mayhem and Desolation slowly turned to Demolition, thoroughly annoyed looks on their faces. "Baka," they said.
Within three seconds of their abrupt entrance, all the Delmo girls leapt from their tables and trained their guns at the trio of fanboys. Demolition managed a grin and drew his Sword of Light. "Ara ara," he remarked wryly. "If you've gotta go, you might as well go down raking in those Experience Points. Ne?"
He glanced back at Dark Mayhem and Desolation.
The two immediately held up their hands. "We surrender," they chorused.
A number of Blue Delmo's marched up to them and motioned with their gun barrels for the three fanboys to shuffle sideways into one of the corners. Dark Mayhem paused as he walked over, noting something very familiar about one of the Delmo girls ready to kill him.
"Ne," he murmured. "Take a look at that one girl on the left. Isn't that Rei?"
Sure enough, one of the Blue Delmo's was in fact none other than Rei Hino.
"And here I always thought the colour red suited her better," Desolation remarked.
Demolition risked a glance at the crowded cafeteria. "Not only that, but take a look at the other Delmo girls here. I recognize over half of them! There's Misato and Juri in the back....and Rurippe next to Rei."
"That has to be Ceres in the Black Demo outfit in the cafeteria line-up," Desolation added. "And Blue Delmo Miyu's busy chatting with Blue Delmo Asuka?!"
"Anyone else here notice that Shinobu and the Howmei girls are the Pink Delmo's behind the serving counter?" Dark Mayhem said.
Demolition warily glanced back at the weapons trained on them, and tightened the grip on his Sword of Light. "Shimatta, I can't disarm this many girls. If they were all goblins or rock golems, this would be over in ten seconds. Why the hell are they suddenly working for a genuine, Akio-level freak like Hargen, anyways?"
"Could be any number of things," Dark Mayhem said. "Brain washing; mind control collars; our author finally losing what was left of his sanity."
"Urusai!" Blue Delmo Naru snapped. "Enough talking. Hargen- sama's commanded you to be killed on sight, so now it's time for you to die."
Dark Mayhem snapped his fingers. "Darn. No good-bye kiss?"
Blue Delmo Naru got rather indignant at that and punched him straight through the wall and into the next room. The other Blue Delmo's turned their weapons towards the remaining two fanboys.
"Daijobu," Desolation said. "Odds are all their bullets will just riddle my body anyways."
"Where's a life-saving non-sequitur gag when you need one?" Demolition sighed.
Suddenly and without warning, who should burst through the far doors of Mess Hall B but Havoc!
"Hotcha!" he exclaimed, going all teary-eyed upon seeing the masses of ladies assembled before him. "Panties! Panties for Havoc! Glorious silken treasures! Must have them all!"
And off he bounded, dodging all their fire as he stripped the Delmo girls nekkid table by table. The irate (not to mention fanservicing) Delmo girls completely forgot about Desolation and Demolition as they all shrieked and declared total war on Havoc.
Desolation and Demolition watched Havoc bound on past them, nekkid & irate Delmo girls giving chase. Within seconds the entire mess hall was cleared out.
"You know," Desolation absently remarked. "With the way he's impossible to catch, single-minded and works like a natural disaster, you'd think Havoc was actually a Clow card. I can just see the scroll beneath his picture reading, 'The Hentai'." He shrugged. "All I can say is that I pity the idiot who tries to capture him."
One of Demolition's eyebrows went up. "Sixty thousand Yen says I can."
"You're on," Dark Mayhem said as he pulled himself out from the hole in the wall.
With a grin, Demolition tore off his shirt and hauled out his Sword of Light. "Ladies, here comes the hero!" he exclaimed, tromping down the corridor after the Delmo girls. And naturally, in the wake of his Invisible Boyfriend Syndrome, no one even noticed either Demolition or Dark Mayhem.
"Who needs an invisibility spell when you've got a cursed fanboy to toy with?" Dark Mayhem snickered as he & Desolation sauntered down the corridor after the mob.
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