*          *          *

          And amidst all of this, the burning question must naturally be asked: if we turned the Digi Charat crew into a family of mobsters, would they be called 'The Sporanyo's?"
          Sac-beating that the author is no doubt going to receiver for that one aside, the other burning question that must naturally be asked here is: where has all the yuri gone? Where, oh where, indeed? Some would argue that a wandering pudding stuffed all the yuri into its satchel and made off, but since that's neither here nor there it must be somewhere else.
          After all, on a ship with this many Anime babes, there has to be at least one lemon-filled scene or twenty-two going on somewhere! But since this fic is only rated PG at best, we abhor such things! And we'll give all of you readers a naughty finger- wagging of justice and scold you for ever thinking of such perverted shenanigans, and...oh, who are we kidding?
          Long live fanservice!!!
          And no one was living it up better than Havoc, who had so far stripped over 86% of the ship's compliment either nekkid or down to their underwear. Coincidentally, he also had over 86% of the ship's compliment chasing after him down the corridors. Despite the guns a' blazing and the myriad of colourful death threats being hurled his way, Havoc remained totally oblivious to all this, thinking it was all a game of 'Capture the Thong'.
          So far the count was 456 thongs captured behind enemy panty- lines.
          Not a Delmo on the ship could stop Havoc as he darted in and out of rooms, bounded down the halls and leapt up stairwells with underwear being yanked off in his wake. Blue Delmo's, Black Delmo's and Pink Delmo's were all left helpless (and quite drafty) as Havoc passed them by.
          "Ah, if only the rest of the Benkyo Brigade could be here," he sighed wistfully, Chocolate Misu's panties now on his head. "We could divide into groups and assign each one a colour. The group who steals the most panties from that colour of Delmo girls wins a trip to the Pioneer Onsen Resort!"
          After all, if it doesn't have an onsen scene, it's not a Pioneer anime!
          Havoc grinned as he bounded ahead of all the Delmo girls chasing after him, careening around a corner and into yet another room for a session of pillage the panties. However, a surprise was waiting for him. Namely the elite Golden Delmo officers: Haruka, Michiru, Miss Deep, Ifurita, A-ko and Minni-May.

Desolation: [chasing after Havoc!] "Havoc, watch out! It's a trap!"

Havoc: "So why did you just run right into it after me?"

Desolation: >.< "Shimatta!"

          Havoc and Desolation turned around, only to watch as Golden Delmo Puchiko hit an alarm. The door closed and sealed the two fanboys inside.
          "We have you trapped now, dechu!" Golden Delmo leader, Ebichu, stated, pointing at Havoc.
          Alone with the several very irate-looking Golden Delmos and their interesting array of weapons, Havoc & Desolation carefully and strategically evaluated his situation. "If only they had metal outfits like the Knight Sabres," Havoc mused. "I've got a fantastic magnet here that would strip them all nekkid in two seconds flat."
          "If that was the case, I've got a can opener in my pack somewhere too," Desolation helpfully added.
          The Golden Delmo Anime babes started to close in around them.
          "Your perverted antics end here, Havoc," Golden Delmo Haruka stated, ready to prime one of her World Shaking attacks.
          Golden Delmo A-ko cracked her knuckles. "We have orders from our beloved Hargen-sama to deliver you to the hell where otaku are skinned alive and then turned into rugs for the living rooms of Puchuu bears."
          Desolation turned to Havoc. "That's actually not so bad as they make it sound. The only problems I ever had was when a Puchuu didn't wipe his muddy feet off at the front door before walking all over me."

Golden Delmos: "......"

          Havoc looked to each Golden Delmo in turn, and then much to their surprise, he removed his DOJI BOY sweater. Volumes of panties and bras toppled out in the process.
          "Well, ladies," he said. "While I do respect the fact that you are doing your duties, I cannot stand idly by and permit you to commit such crimes against hentai! Usually at a crucial scene like this, I'd ask you beautiful women 'Can't we just all perv along?', but that has been eclipsed by a blot of evil who's name is none other than Hargen!"
          "Hush!" Golden Delmo Michiru snapped, smacking Desolation across the side of the face. "Don't you dare speak ill of Hargen- sama like that ever again!"

Desolation: -.-;;; [turning to Havoc] "Why did I just get smacked for something you said?"

Havoc: [shrug!] "Panties?"

          "And why shouldn't I speak ill of that buffoon who prances and parades around like he was the author's gift to lemons?" Havoc retorted back at Michiru. "What has he done to earn your gratitude? To earn your respect? To earn your elegant choice of underwear?! Nothing, I tell you! He holds you captive here, prisoner to his twisted-tales-of-Tokyo whims. Why else are all of you wearing behaviour modifiers hidden inside the lining of your bras?"
          Upon hearing that, Havoc held aloft Golden Delmo Minni May's bra and tore open one of the cups, revealing a small microchip inside. Minni May shrieked, though more at the fact that Havoc had somehow managed to steal her bra, and then ruin it.
          "There will be other bras, dear Minni May-chan," Havoc soothed her. "But first consider what sort of a low-level pervert must first brainwash his babes into following him, and then further enforce it with these modifier chips? Does he truly appreciate the beauty and majesty of your forms? Does he adore the sensuous touch and feel of the female body? Does he want you to feel ecstatic pleasure, or is he just trying to get in his own sexual kicks at your expense?
          "Today he's going to use you all for sexual favours, and claim it's to repopulate the earth with more freak-biscuits like him. But what about tomorrow? Tomorrow Hargen might be swapping you with Akio in the backseat of the Akiocar! Is that the man you would call your own personal Hentenno? Do you want to serve a man like Hargen, a man who will never allow Rule 3 to exist just so his own pithy ego can be satisfied; a man who sleeps with his own sister?!"
          The Golden Delmo's resolve was beginning to waver.
          "Is there not a man here, cell-drawn or self-inserted, who would stand up and fight for your hentai rights?" Havoc exclaimed, starting to pace the room. "Is there not a hero who will help you rediscover the Tao of Rule 3, and the Zen of Fanservice? Is there not a hentai out there who will risk life and lemon to free you, and make you all masters of your own yuri?"

NinNin: ^^v "I'm here, Hentenno!"

          [Desolation turns around & shoots NinNin with a spare beam cannon!]

Havoc: "Thank you."

Desolation: ^-^ "Don't mention it."

          Havoc turned back to the Golden Delmo babes. "Well, there is, dammit! And he stands before you as the one, the true, the only Hentenno that has ever existed. He has created Hentopia. He has established Planet Hentai! He has found true inner perv in the serenity that is El Dojirado! And he will not let you women take this crap from some two-bit hentai hack like Hargen! Did Nagumo just sit back and let all those tentacle monsters overrun his school?"
          He paused to let the Golden Delmo's answer, but right about then they were at a complete loss for words. So it was left for Desolation to pick up Havoc's sentiment and exclaim dramatically, "NO!"
          "Exactly!" Havoc agreed. "For I may take your panties and your bras, and I may cop a feel off any of you, but I would never take...your yuri! So come and follow me if you wish to seek your freedom from this tyrannical fop. Or if you've been brainwashed into being that devoted to him, then you know what you must do. I will leave you with something that Hargen will never give you: the choice."
          His great speech done, Havoc let out a deep sigh and turned to face his executors. "You may fire at will, my loves."
          Golden Delmo Ifurita stepped forward and unleashed the full power of her staff at point-blank range.
          And in a very anti-climactic way, Cream Lemon ensued.
          Lots if it.
          Moments later, Havoc's head popped up from the chest-high levels of whipped cream. He grinned as he surveyed the dozens of stunned, Cream Lemon-covered and soon to be nekkid Golden Delmo girls. "I love my work," he sighed, tying the dorsal fin of a shark on top of his head before sinking into the whipped cream.
          "I love your work too," Desolation's head remarked as it drifted on by. "Ne, do you think you could point me to the rest of my body parts?"

*          *          *

          "Time to see how Weapon: Kawaii is faring," Hargen remarked, smug in the knowledge that by now the fanboy intruders must be subdued by his elite weapon. "Patch me through to her."
          One of the White Delmo's nodded. "Hai!"
          The viewscreen flickered to life, displaying a room that was nothing short of a Hello Kitty night terror. Sanrio wall scrolls and throw pillows were everywhere. The wallpaper was an amazing Dragon Pink colour, with all sorts of bishie boyband posters tacked all over. The floor was a sea of plushies, and wading through it were no less than 40 Anime babes...all dressed in kawaii frilly aprons and loathing it.
          Hysteria's face suddenly popped up on the screen.
          "Ohayo gozaimasu!" she chimed. "Golden Delmo-chan Hysteria reporting!"
          Hargen slowly looked from one side of the viewscreen to the next, noting the myriad of tables and tea sets. Not to mention the leg shackles chaining all of *his* prisoners to the tables. "Hysteria, just what exactly are you doing?" Hargen asked.
          Hysteria beamed as she poured Ryoko another cup of Hotcha Ocha tea. "Why, Hysteria's having a kawaii little tea party-chan with the kawaii little prisoner-chans, of course!"
          "What about your mission?" Hargen said. "You were supposed to go after the intruders on the ship. You know, the males. What happened to attacking the male intruders?"
          For a brief instant, Hysteria had the expression of a Shinma caught in the headlights. Then she burst out in a fit of nervous giggles. "Gomen nasai! Hysteria completely forgot about that!"
          Hargen groaned in exasperation and cradled his head in his hands. "What use is a weapon like her if she turns on your own luscious troops?" he muttered.
          The viewscreen was turned off.
          In the end, it was decided that the ship was better off with Hysteria terrorizing the captive Anime babes rather than the rest of crew. Besides, Hargen reflected, ten minutes with her would make becoming a Delmo girl a much more pleasant alternative.
          Hargen turned his head as he noted some Blue Delmo officers step onto the bridge, one of his prisoners accompanying them. "Can I help you?" he inquired as Hotaru was brought before him. He smirked as he noted that his chair gave him the perfect view of Hotaru's blue panties.
          "She wishes to join the Delmo's of her own free will," one of the Blue Delmo girls stated. "She asked that she be brought to you personally, to show you her dedication."
          Hargen scratched his chin. "She does, ne? You'll have to forgive my scepticism, but this sounds like a near-perfect ploy to lower my guard long enough for you to get an attack in. You are, after all, an Outer Senshi, my dear."
          A kuroneko-like grin appeared on Hotaru's face, and she squatted down in front of Hargen, now giving him a perfect crotch shot of her panties. "But of course I am," she purred, leaning forward and letting him see down the top of her shirt. "And it's the excitement of having a spitfire like me that makes you want me all the more. Ne?"
          Hargen licked his lips as his gaze became fixated on Hotaru's crotch. "You're intriguing me. Go on."
          Hotaru slid one of her fingers into her mouth and sucked on it for a moment before slowly, teasingly drawing back out. "I want you, Hargen-sama," she whispered in a throat, lusty voice. She began to comb her fingers through the long strands of Hargen's hair. "Fill me, and I will fulfill your every dream."
          Hargen grinned at her advances.
          Desolation, on the other hand, made a gagging noise, followed by mouthing 'loser' to Hargen.
          Casting a sidelong glance over at Desolation, who had once again managed to infiltrate the bridge by sheer accident, Hargen thumbed over to the fanboy and said to Hotaru, "I'll make you scream my name, after you first prove your loyalty to me. Kill him."

Desolation: o.O;;

          A wicked smile grew on Hotaru's face as she rose up and started stalking her way towards Desolation. In seeing how serious she was, Desolation sweatdropped. "Um...Hotaru, what's with the indecent proposal to Captain Lipstick over there? You're not serious about wanting to share a lemonfic with him, are you? What about your love for Chaos? For as much of a baka as he is, he's certainly the lesser of two evils here!"
          That didn't stop Hotaru.
          In fact, the thought of spurning Chaos seemed to turn her on even more.
          Desolation gulped and pulled out a pomegranate. "I'm warning you, Hotaru," he said nervously. "I've got a pomegranate of doom, and I'm not afraid to use it!"
          Hotaru stood face to face with Desolation and hooked her arms around the back of his neck. She leaned in closely to Desolation's ear. "Make it look good," Hotaru muttered
          Desolation gawked at her.
          She immediately jammed her knee into his groin.
          Really hard.
          Then began to grind her knee in even further.
          Desolation's eyes went crossed as his face turned many different colours not usually found in nature. His eyes subsequently uncrossed when Hotaru pulled out Rampage, and stuffed Desolation down Rampage's mouth.


Hotaru: "Hmm...you've still got a leg sticking out of your mouth, Rampage-chan. Here, let me get a plunger and help you get it all down."

Desolation: [muffled voice inside Rampage's stomach!] "Hey, look! My 'Wu' mark glows in the dark!"

          "Ara ara," Hargen said, rising from his captain's chair. "You've done better than I would have expected. And letting a fanboy like that suffer the agony of being digested in a kawaii obligatory mascot's stomach certainly shows your devotion. I'm impressed, Hotaru-chan. I really am."
          He gestured for her to follow him as he strolled out from the bridge, two Blue Delmo girls accompanying them.
          "In fact," Hargen continued. "I'll let you experience things you've never even imagined."
          He placed his hand on her butt and copped a feel.
          Hotaru purred and snuggled up against his chest. "Hai, Hargen-sama...."

*          *          *

          Things were not going very well for Carnage. Over the course of the entire latter half of the fic, he'd been stripped nekkid much like Raiden from Movie Gear Solid 2, and been forced to run through the corridors & disarming the Delmo girls on guard with nekkid bishie flips!

Carnage: -.-;; "I'll never live this down. Thank Kami-sama that Ruckus hasn't found me yet."

          As he went streaking down the corridors, his hands strategically placed over his own personal Deathscythe Hell Custom, Carnage stumbled across Desolation, who was busy reclining on a patio table and drinking a Goldenboy Cadillac.
          "Hey, Carnage!" Desolation called out, waving Carnage over. "How've you been?"
          Carnage tossed a cautionary glance over his shoulder. "I think I lost Blue Delmo Kekko Kamen back there," he said between gasps for air. "And all I can say is that these metal corridors are freezing! I'm going to catch a cold at this rate!"
          "It's not that cold, is it?" Desolation asked.
          Carnage let out a helpless sigh. "Doesn't matter. All Anime characters are easily susceptible to cliche-timed colds and anaemia, regardless of who they are. You could sit in a puddle for five seconds and catch a violent cold! It could be a nice, cool spring day, but one sneeze and you become anaemic & then pass out melodramatically on the sidewalk!"
          Suddenly from within the depths of the ship, a loud chorus of girlish giggles and stampeding feet could be heard. Cries of, "Carnage-samaaaaaa!" echoed down the corridors.
          "Oh no, not again," Carnage groaned. "I thought that giant Carnage plushie in the bathroom would stall them for longer than that."

          [Cue Ruckus bounding across the ceiling, a giant Carnage plushie in his hands!]

Ruckus: v^-^v "Score!"

Carnage: -.-;; "I detest that ninja."

          "You know," Desolation remarked. "If all those Anime babes love and adore you now thanks to your disorder, why not lead them to storm Hargen's bridge?"
          "Because that would make too much sense in a fic like this," Carnage replied evenly. "Plus I'm also naked. They'd forget all about the revolting the second they'd get within glomping or fondling distance. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go hide."
          He quickly scanned the hallway and found one door waiting not five steps away.
          "Oh, and if any of those babes ask," he added over his shoulder as he headed towards the door. "I'm off on some top-secret mission for OZ. Ne?"
          "Um...you may not want to go in there," Desolation said, taking another sip of his drink.
          "Well, I've got to hide somewhere," Carnage replied. "So I'm going to open this door!"
          Carnage flung upon the door, only to discover a room filled to the ceiling with Cream Lemon, and Golden Delmo legs flailing about everywhere. And moulded right into the whipped cream at the doorway was Desolation.

Desolation: ^-^ "I'd rather you didn't!"

Carnage: o.O;;

          [Cue the Cream Lemon tsunami being unleashed, and flooding the corridor!]

Carnage: [being washed away in whipped cream!] "USOOOOOOO!!!"

Havoc: ^^v [on a surfboard with Ifurita!] "Hotcha! Baby got bounce!"

*          *          *

From : "His lordship Chaos"

To : "Greenbeans" CC : "Nightbreak"

Subject : I Worship His Shadow Skill

Date : Sun, 27 Oct 2002 20:15:07 -0700

Dear Greenbeans,

After a most disastrous attempt to replace my kawaii writing assistants with kawaii writing Puchuu bears, I have decided to take your demands into consideration. I see from your most recent letter that my kawaii writing assistants are alive and being well treated, so I am open to some form of negotiations.

>1) Never chase after the lake god again. The kawaii writing staff will >remain in our custody until I am assured that no further... >transgressions...take place.

I, His lordship Chaos, the author, do hereby agree to never chase after the lake god again. Of course, I myself never even bothered doing that in the first place, so it works well for me. My avatar, Chaos, thanks you for allowing him to still hunt down what he claims is rightfully his mascot. From what I hear, you may be expecting a vacuum cleaner in the mail soon.

>2) You will only cross dress every other Wednesday on even numbered months >during the full moon.

Now while I was hoping to dress up as Dr. Frank-N-Fighter (complete with a sweet transsexual Sailor Starlight hotpants & bikini top) for the next Anime North convention, I shall agree to this. As a result, I shall instead be dressing up as androgynous creatures who have no overly apparent gender.

I expect that Puchuu-bear-Chaos will be quite the hit of AN03 next summer....

>3) You must be part of Quistis' whip show while wearing a Delmo dress.

Now this is problematic. Having just agreed not to cross-dress save for your noted exception, I cannot understand how you are going to arrange me wearing a Delmo dress for such a busy tour. Will Quistis' whip show be held only on every other Wednesday, on even numbered months during the full moon? That sounds rather unfair to Quistis, I must confess.

If she feels that you are not treating her well by giving her such a disappointing touring schedule, perhaps she would find that her skills would be better suited and appreciated here as one of my newest kawaii, female writing assistants. Do relay my fondest wishes and my offer to her when you see her next, ne?


His lordship Chaos.

P.S.: I am sending you the fic I wrote while under the influence of the Puchuu bear assistants, a Pikachu & Mokona yaoi crossover. Ash tries to stop them, but gets tag-teamed by Ascot & Clef. As you are well trying not to imagine, things devolve from there. If you would be so kind as to read through it, and if you've somehow survived at the end, tell me if Oscar should get a cameo in all this.

P.P.S.: I'm also thinking of entitling this fic, "Under the Yum-Yum Tree." What do you think? ^^v

*          *          *

          "See any more Delmo girls behind us?" Pesti-chan asked over his shoulder as he and Desolation raced through the seemingly endless maze of corridors.
          Desolation gripped his head between his hands, and snapped it around. A loud and rather grisly "crack!" came from his spine, causing Pesti-chan to shudder. "Ano...I think we lost them," Desolation remarked, snapping his head back around to its proper position. "Ah, it's good to know that when you're a 'Wu', the human head can indeed turn 180 degrees!"
          The two skidded to a stop as they hit yet another intersection, nearly colliding with Demolition and Dark Mayhem.
          "Yo," Dark Mayhem said. "How've you guys been?"
          "Been better, admittedly," Pesti-chan replied. "It's sort of hard to enjoy yourself when you keep getting shot at."
          Demolition glanced over at Desolation. "And I see you haven't been able to fade back into obscurity again."
          "Not for a lack of trying, I assure you," Desolation sighed, shaking his head. "I don't think there's a scene I haven't been in since this whole damn Milly Stone thing screwed up the omakefic."
          A katana blade suddenly erupted out from one of the walls, neatly cutting a door the perfect size for Riot to step out through. "Ah, most honourable entrance-fu," he remarked, rather proud of his flawless effort. "My years of making most honourable origami cranes on the raging shores paid off after all!"
          "Ooooh," came Ruckus' voice from above their heads. "I'd have loved to have seen you all soaked in a Speedo, Riot-cutie!"
          Seconds later, Ruckus dropped down from the ceiling, glomping right onto Pesti-chan's back.

Ruckus: ^-^ "Oh, I know someone who's all sweaty from running around this ship! What say I help wash your back in the shower room, ne?"

Pesti: o.O; [ack!] "Knock it off, you perverted ninja! I only just got myselves back together two scenes ago!"

          "Hey guys," Demolition said, pointing down another corridor. "Incoming."
          The fanboys all turned around, and who should be staggering their way, a freshly opened bottle of Sake in one hand and a spent Uzi machine gun in the other, but Nena. Nena glared at them as they blocked her path. "You're not my beloved Hargen onii-sama," she slurred.
          "I'm also not Aya Hisakawa either," Dark Mayhem glibly replied. "But you don't see me crying over it."
          That didn't seem to put Nena in any better a mood. "Where is he?" she snarled, staggering back and forth. "Where is my beloved onii-san? Have you tried to steal him away from me?!"
          "Excuse me, but do we look like Akio?" Demolition snapped.
          Ruckus snorted indignantly. "Please, woman! Your brother uses far too much foundation, his hair has split ends, he has far too many fetishes, and his clothing selection would make even the Not- so-cool Fashion Boy cringe."

Fanboys: [sweatdrop!] "A-Ano...."

Ruckus: "Well, it's true."

          "Ne, do you guys think we could take Nena hostage and use her as leverage for getting our Anime babes back?" Demolition asked.
          Desolation shrugged. "Depends. Would anyone here want to actually have to touch Nena?"
          The fanboys stared at each other, and then sighed.
          "Hai hai," the chorused.
          Nena huffed and took another gulp from her giant bottle of Sake. "Hmph! You boys have no idea how truly sexy I am!"
          "No, but we certainly know how most dishonourably scary you are," Riot added.
          Pesti-chan lifted his head, straining to hear some vague, distant noise. "Hey, guys," he said. "Does anyone else hear some sort of low rumble?"
          Riot sagely nodded. "It has been growing louder for the past few minutes, and seems to have originated from the bowels of the ship, though my listen-fu skills cannot tell me what it might be."
          He glanced back at Dark Mayhem, who was busy sliding into a large inner tube.

Riot: "Ano...what is that for?"

Dark Mayhem: "Comedic if not ironic timing."

          [Cue the Cream Lemon tsunami crashing through the hallway, sweeping Nena & the fanboys away!!]

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