It's time for a Freaky Fanfic!
Dark Mayhem: "And the difference between this and the rest of the series is...?"
Carnage: "I feel I should warn you that if it's another Hentai Omake, I will be using my Satellite Strike."
Havoc: [boing!] "Did I hear someone say hentai? Why, that's the secret word of the day! Now who wants to learn what the secret panties of the day are?"
Fanboys: "SHADDUP HAVOC!!!"
Havoc: ^-^ "Hotcha! That's right, you guessed it! The secret panties of the day are...Michiru's!"
Pesti: [lament] "So much for this introduction."
Carnage: [priming a Satellite Strike] "That's it! One oven-roasted hentai, coming up!"
Havoc: ^-^ "Oro?"
Dark Mayhem: "Carnage, might I remind you this is an Omakefic; you can't call up a Recovery spell in here if you blow up the city...and then we *will* be forced to do an H3Omake just to cover the repair bills."
Carnage: --;; "Oh, whine whine whine whine whine! What about *my* needs?"
Chaos: "Is it that difficult for you to find something to blow up, Mister Mecha-freak?"
Carnage: [evil smile!] "No, not really. You'll do nicely."
Chaos: ^-^ "Hai! I'll do just--WHAT?!"
[Cue Carnage in the Aleseides guymelef!]
Hysteria: ^-^ "Oooh! Carnage-poppa's kawaii little Dragon Slayer-chan looks just soooooo kawaii, ne, Chaos-momma?"
Chaos: o.O "Ano...."
Havoc: "My Dragon Pink Slayer guymelef is much better."
Dark Mayhem: "Wild guess: the liquid metal claws are really Liquid Hentai naughty tentacles?"
Desolation: [walking into the opener] "Sugoi! I finally made it to a fic on time for once!"
Carnage: [na ni?!] "What the hell?! Desolation, you moron! In the act of smiting something, my Aleseides is being uncontrollably pulled towards your Wu aura!"
Desolation: o.O "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
Dark Mayhem: "Well, so much for his cameo."
Pesti: [eyebrow twitch!] "Eeeeew. I am NOT cleaning up that mess."
Chaos: ^-^ "I live! Hallelujah, the sacred smiting cows have come home to roost!"
[Cue the herd of cows that fall from the sky for no apparent reason and clobber Chaos!]
Cows: o.O [blink blink!] "Moo?"
Hysteria: "Ooooh! Cow-chans! Cow-chans!"
Dark Mayhem: [sigh!] "So...anyone else want to actually start this turkey of an Omakefic?"
Chaos: [flattened li'l otaku] "H-Hai...."
[Cue the Omakefic!]
FBZ FANBOYS OMAKEFIC 9: THE AUTHORS MUST BE CRAZY!!!
Submitted not really for your approval, but more just because we felt like submitting it anyways (ha ha! You cannot escape the author!), what we have here is a clear case of too much sugar--or in Havoc's case, too much coffee (ne, Mame-chan? ^^)--and not enough actively sane braincells.
There's probably a moral to this story too.
Damned if we know what it is.
And without any more ranting, let us present the Omakefic! It was another typical day in the Curse of the Fanboys! series: Dark Mayhem was reading up on his stock portfolio, Pesti-chan was relaxing with a bottle of Hard Lemonade, Anarchy and Tasuki were already tanked thanks to twelve bottles of Hard Lemonade, Rampage and Catastrophe were busy digesting Nausicaa's white lion cub King, Carnage got fed up trying to solve a Rubix Cube and blew it away with a Particle Cannon, Hysteria had managed to dress Tora the tiger demon all up in bowties for another kawaii little tea party, and Havoc was--
Havoc: ^-^ [with panties!] "Hotcha! At long last, Cauldina's panties are mine!"
[Abruptly the panties in his hands vanish!]
Havoc: o.O "Curse her illusionary panties! She must be punished for this!"
[Havoc pulls out the wooden rice ladle!]
Havoc: ^-^ "Spank me, Cauldina-baby!"
Pesti: "I thought you were supposed to punish her, Havoc. Not the other way around."
Havoc: "There's a difference?"
Dark Mayhem: "Apparently not."
Carnage: "I'm her replacement, Havoc: BLAST ASH!!!"
Anyhoo, with Air Hentenno taking a non-stop flight across Tokyo (if you don't count that literal run-in with the Shinjuku City Hall building) the apartment was quiet for once.
"Sake Sake hot, Sake Sake cold, Sake Sake hot, Sake Sake cold, Sake Sake hot--Plum Wine!!" Anarchy and Tasuki crooned, each of them chugging back the contents of an entire bottle of Sake.
Pesti-chan winced. "Aiya. How long are they going to keep doing that?"
"It's only been seven hours straight," Dark Mayhem remarked, glancing at his watch. "They're still sober enough to carry on for at least another six." He looked down at the floor. "Looks like Fujisawa-sensei only managed to last five and a half hours this time; I think he's getting better."
Rolling his eyes, Pesti-chan downed the last of his Hard Lemonade, and returned to the kitchen. "Ne, have you seen Chaos anywhere today, Mayhem?"
"Not particularly," Dark Mayhem replied. "Though I did see the super-deformed moron with a pick-axe and a bathtub heading towards Carnage's closet about three hours ago."
Pesti-chan nodded. "Ah, I see. He...he what?"
Dark Mayhem merely pointed to the broom closet. "The way I figure it, this'll be his funeral. All we have to do is sweep up whatever pieces of him are left."
That elicited a groan from Pesti-chan. "Yare yare. If we haven't seen Chaos for this long, he's probably adding to our collection of bills and expenses."
Walking in behind the kitchen counter, Pesti-chan reached his fingers beneath the rim of the countertop and pushed a secret button. Abruptly a large portion of the countertop sank a few inches and then retracted beneath the rest of counter. A hidden platform inside the cavity slowly rose up to display numerous and wondrous varieties of Anime-related liqueurs and bottles. Out from another section of countertop arose a small fridge, its door popping open to reveal two chilled bottles of--
"Bradoux wine?!" Pesti-chan exclaimed upon reading the label. "Dammit, I thought we told Havoc not to store his products in here! Planet Hentai's already got a wine cellar full of this stuff."
Dark Mayhem cleared his throat. "*Ahem* The Bradoux is for Ami-chan and I later on tonight."
"Gomen," Pesti-chan replied, sticking the wine bottles back into the fridge. He gave a slap to the top of the fridge, and it promptly sank back into the counter. A cupboard door just to his left retracted up like a garage door, displaying wine glasses and a few other Anime liqueur-related accessories.
"Ne, Mayhem, care for a Maho Tsukai Mai Tai?" Pesti-chan inquired, fixing himself a drink.
"I've always been partial to those Togenkyo Island Iced Tea drinks
you make," Dark Mayhem replied evenly, turning a page in the newspaper.
"However I think I'll remain sober until *after* we discover just what new level of stupidity Chaos decided to strive for. That way I can properly mock him."
"Until we see the repair bill," Pesti-chan added.
Dark Mayhem flipped through the stock pages. "Hai hai. Then it'll be a all-out booze binge."
Finished mixing his own drink, Pesti-chan had the liqueur bottles sink back into the counter, the countertop panel extending over the hidden space. He took one long swallow of Maho Tsukai Mai Tai, and sighed.
"Do you think Anarchy and Tasuki wanted me to fix them something?" he asked.
Dark Mayhem glanced over at the duo of drunken characters, who were
throwing popcorn and AT Fields at the large screen TV now playing Wedding
Peach. "I think they're busy enough with their crates of Sake, Pesti-chan. Besides, we built that hidden liquor cabinet so that Anarchy *wouldn't* steal our alcohol supplies like last time."
Finishing off the last of his drink, Pesti-chan set the empty glass down on the counter. And with that, Pesti-chan ventured into the broom closet.
* * *
And just what might these sound effects mean, you might ask. We would ask "what about that man, Yang Wen-li?" but Carnage already killed that man, Yang Wen-li. So we just won't talk about that man, Yang Wen-
Carnage: "Dammit, can't you just let that line die with him?!"
Dark Mayhem: "You can never keep a tasteless remark down, Carnage."
Carnage: "But I vaporized the guy with the Eye of God. *Sigh!* His ship made such a pretty bonfire as it burned up in re-entry."
Dark Mayhem: [sweatdrop!] "Oookaaaaay."
Well, for those of you either foolish or masochistic enough to actually ask the author about those aforementioned sound effects, the answer is simple. After all, Pesti-chan could tell you, since he asked that question himself before discovering the answer.
Pesti: --;; "This is another one of those 'ignorance is bliss' moments, let me assure all of you."
Sure enough, just in the front lobby of a Carnage's bedroom (read: pan-dimensional hangar bay), Carnage and Sarcasm-hime were heavily into a game of Zanba racquetball with Catastrophe. Using the broadside of his Zanba sword, Carnage swatted the baby SD Godzilla-thingy for a mascot against an unoccupied mecha loading dock.
"chu chu!" Catastrophe happily squeaked, bouncing off the wall.
"Ha! Try and stop that one," Carnage gasped.
Sarcasm raced across the hangar, and managed to just barely swat Catastrophe back at the wall with her Zanba spatula. "In your dreams, mecha-freak," the elfgirl retorted between pants for air.
Pesti-chan just stood there as he watched the game progress, his eyebrow twitching something fierce. "Na ni?"
"She ate the ball halfway through their game," the vampire princess Miyu explained, floating around behind him. "And since both Carnage-chan and Sarcasm wanted to finish this match, they had to find a suitable substitute."
"Ano...isn't that cruelty to Anime mascots?" Pesti-chan asked her.
Which in itself would have been a slightly ironic twist considering that Rampage had already eaten the entire administrative staff of SPCAM...along with SPCAM's kawaii li'l company mascot.
"Daijobu!" Carnage called out as he raced across the floor and sent Catastrophe flying back into the wall. "She and Rampage are just two carnivorous rubber balls anyways."
"Ooooh!" Hysteria piped up, suddenly bounding in from above and landing on Carnage's head. "Catastrophe-chan's just soooo kawaii when she's used a kawaii little racquetball-chan, ne? Ne? Ne?"
In having his face unceremoniously sent into the floor, Carnage missed his returning stroke. Catastrophe hooted playfully as she bounced right past him, landing in a startled Pesti-chan's arms. Needless to say, Carnage was not amused.
"Game point, Carnage," Sarcasm said smugly. "Looks like I win. Now pay up."
"Hai hai," Carnage muttered darkly. "I'll make sure Heero Yuy's in
your room for 10pm this Friday night."
Sarcasm cleared her throat.
Carnage rolled his eyes. "In those cute SD Wing Gundam boxers you
like so much too. Happy?"
"Definitely," Sarcasm said, unable to keep from grinning.
Pesti-chan cleared his throat to catch their attention. "Ne, have either of you seen Chaos recently?"
"Oh, the little idiot's gone out on another mission to prove he still doesn't have a brain?" Sarcasm inquired.
"I saw him try to pick up the Mercurius' planet defensor shield about an hour ago," Carnage said. "Last I know, he was headed for the back door that way."
Pesti-chan blinked. "He grabbed the defensor shield? What the hell would he want with that?"
Carnage shrugged. "I didn't ask. He signed the waiver and the insurance forms. He breaks that shield, and he spends the next fanfic polishing my entire line of Valkyries."
Abruptly someone new cleared his throat. "Ano...Sarcasm-sama, I'm all done with the laundry. What would you like me to do now?"
Pesti-chan and Carnage turned their heads, promptly recoiling in stunned SD shock upon seeing Master vampire Mosquiton carting a basket full of Sarcasm's clothes.
"All this ass-kicking has really worked up my appetite," Sarcasm said. "Think you can arrange a nice sashimi dinner for Lupin III and myself, Mo-chan?"
With a beleaguered sigh, Mosquiton nodded and shuffled off.
Carnage slowly turned to Sarcasm. "Na ni? But he can't be your servant unless...Sarcasm, you didn't!!"
Sarcasm just shrugged. "Hey, I just happened to have this wooden stake in my hands, and it went off by accident."
Carnage & Pesti: --;; "......"
[Fanboy's note: to make the vampire Master Mosquiton your servant, you have to stake him and thus reduce him to ashes. Then simply let some of your blood hit his remains, and you've got one hapless vampiric valet to cater to your whims...poor bastard.]
"Ooooh! Mo-chan! Mo-chan!" Hysteria said cheerfully. "Mo-chan would look so kawaii in one of Hysteria's kawaii little frilly aprons!"
Carnage's eyebrow twitched. "Might I remind you, Hysteria, that *you're* the reason I lost this game."
"But Carnage-poppa looks so kawaii when he loses and pouts over it," Hysteria replied.
Carnage: [turning to Sarcasm] "Best two out of three for Zechs Merquise?"
Sarcasm: "If you win, you still want the location to those spare parts to the Eye of Foggler I stumbled across?"
Carnage: "Of course."
Pesti: "So who gets to be the racquetball this time?"
[Both Sarcasm & Carnage slowly turn to Hysteria]
Hysteria: ^-^ "Oro?"
A few minutes later, Carnage and Sarcasm were busy running across the hangar bay floor, swatting Hysteria against the loading dock. Pesti-chan just shook his head, and handed Catastrophe over to Miyu before discreetly slipping out of the broom closet.
Sarcasm: "We're just not getting through to her, are we?"
* * *
"So, how'd it go?" Dark Mayhem asked.
Pesti-chan shut the closet door behind him. "As good as it could get, I suppose. Carnage didn't blow anything up in the last scene."
"The Omakefic's still young," Dark Mayhem countered.
"Hai hai," Pesti-chan agreed, flopping down in one of the vacant chairs. "But it's Sarcasm who's starting to worry me. You notice how she's less irate now?"
Dark Mayhem shrugged. "I'd be cheerful too if I had a harem of Anime studs fulfilling my every avatarish desire."
"Provided you were female."
"Don't go there Mayhem," Pesti-chan cautioned. "Kizuna's wrecked my mind enough as it is. As for Sarcasm, she's been hanging around Anarchy far too long already. The last thing this series needs is two female avatars running loose."
"It's only been a few pages since F8! ended," Dark Mayhem stated.
"That's why I'm nervous," Pesti-chan replied. "It took Anarchy only a paragraph to corrupt her saint of a carbon copy, remember. Sarcasm will probably be rearranging continents by the time we hit the Omake Theatre."
Dark Mayhem set aside the financial section, and looked at his watch. "The evening is getting late. Found Chaos yet?"
"Nope. I'm telling you, Mayhem, I have not the slightest idea where he is."
"It's always a literal matter of elimination for Chaos," Dark Mayhem stated. "He's not here in the apartment because Anarchy would have squashed him by now. He's not in Carnage's room, otherwise we would have heard a Dragu Slave or two already. He wouldn't be caught dead at Planet Hentai after the incident with those rabid breasts from the Valententacle fic, and Hotaru hasn't dragged him off for another date tonight."
"Makoto's out of the question too," Pesti-chan added. "He'd have been punted back through the balcony by now. There's no reason for him to be at the Fire River Temple either, for that matter. Shimatta! Where else could the baka be?
Dark Mayhem stretched out his arms and got up from his couch. "Just let the author worry about where Chaos is, Pesti-chan. He can terrorize Chaos better than any of us. In the meantime, I've got to prep my library jacuzzi for Ami-chan's 'tutoring class' tonight."
"Be sure to have enough fire extinguishers on hand this time," Pesti-chan said over his shoulder.
With that, Dark Mayhem leisurely sauntered down the hallway towards the newly "revamped" linen closet. Pesti-chan glanced down the hallway to Sarcasm's new room. With Sarcasm having moved in, Mayhem had taken up permanent residence in the Anime library while Sarcasm took over his old room. And as for Hysteria...well, somebody had to lose when the fanboys drew straws to see whose room she'd take over.
Chaos: --;; "Curse our author. I just *know* that draw was rigged."
However, fortunately for everyone involved, the author was not so sadistic as to make anyone become roommates with Hysteria. If that did happen, we'd find ourselves less one cast member on account of seppuku just to make the kawaii li'l hurting stop, ne? And I for one, as the author, would certainly mourn the loss. Who then would I have to smite on a vicious whim?!
Hey...wait a minute.
I'm the author. I can create new characters to viciously smite on a whim whenever I want! MOO HOO HA HAH HA HA HA HAH!!!
Kawaii female writing assistant: "Sir, your bubblebath is ready!"
Well, I suppose creating new characters to smite on a whim will just have to wait. In the meantime, an extra dimension had been installed into a Maze wall scroll hanging in the dining room, courtesy of Washu. For most of the weekend, Chaos had been busy moving his things into his new bedroom. That, and trying to get out of his new bedroom when Anarchy locked him in by rolling up the wall scroll.
After passing by the dinner table and the Maze wall scroll, Dark Mayhem paused. He looked down at the empty dining table, and tapped a finger on the glass surface.
Dark Mayhem: "Strange. I could have sworn it was here this afternoon."
Pesti: "Na ni?"
Dark Mayhem: "Ne, Pesti-chan...you know where the remote control of the gods disappeared to?"
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