* * *
And at the risk of stating the obvious, no good could come of this.
Come to think of it, since when has any twist in the plot ever been good in this series? Well, lemony twists are good, which the author for one enjoys from time to time to numerous times a day. But one must remember that to have the proper lemon twist, the plot must be shaken and not stirred.
Speaking of things stirring (other than Kasumi Tendo in the kitchen), let us now jump headlong into our next scene. Groggily, Chaos' eyelids fluttered open. With an unimpressed "mph" he lifted his head and looked at his surroundings.
It was pretty much all he could do given the fact that his wrists and ankles were strapped down to an enormous table. And considering that it wasn't a Victorian Cross he was strapped down to, Chaos realized that he wasn't in Planet Hentai...or in Aika either, for that matter. And he was rather thankful that, if either of those options had been the case, he currently wasn't a girl. Then again, if he remained strapped down like this, his skirt would surely get some unsightly wrinkles on it.
Chaos turned his head as a number of fully-armed guards walked into the room. Moments later he realized that somewhere out there in the world, a department store full of mannequins were without their upper appendages.
"Kon'nichi wa!" he said. "Terribly sorry, but could you be so kind as to remove these manacles from my arms and legs. They're starting to cut off my circulation."
"Silence!" one of the guards snapped. "You...who are you?"
The fanboy simply raised an eyebrow, somewhat amused at the entire situation despite being tied down to the metal table. "The name's Chaos," he stated. "Lord Chaos."
"Agent 0081 of His lordship's Secret Otaku," a female voice stated matter-of-factly. "Overlord Chaos: licence to smite, always armed with a Walther PPKow."
Chaos' curiousity had been piqued to say the least as he looked around the room. He gaze stopped as he saw an occupied chair on the other side of the chambers. The back of the chair was turned towards him, thus hiding the identity of the speaker.
"There's still a debate over whether or not your number stands for your IQ," the woman behind the chair said. "I don't believe those rumours; you're too stupid to have a two-digit intelligence quotient."
"I know that voice," Chaos growled, his eyes narrowing. "Beanfeld."
The chair slowly swivelled around to reveal 0081's mortal enemy: the villainess known only as Beans. Leisurely reclining in the chair, she stroked her pet attack octopus, who was clinging to the armrest--and growling at Chaos.
"I'm afraid your appearance has forced me to advance my timetable drastically," Beans said, rising from her seat. "You see, becoming the lake god's miko was only the beginning. Now that I have written myself into the Fushigi Yugi series as one of the miko's, I will be able to call upon the god Suzaku. Any three wishes I so desire will be granted, and with them I shall rule the multiverse as the greatest avatar who ever lived!"
Chaos' gaze never wavered. "And just how do you propose to get past the mergance of the miko with the animal god, Beans? Surely you've thought of how to work around that."
Beans chuckled, picking up her pet octopus and strolling towards Chaos. "My dear Overlord of Mass Destruction," she chided him. "Those are trade secrets. What I've just told you, you already knew. At least with you here now, I don't have to waste one of my wishes on destroying you permanently."
The attack octopus in her hands yipped at Chaos as Beans sauntered around the table. She looked to one of her guards. The guard nodded, and pushed a button located on the wall. Suddenly an enormous Silence Glaive descended from a hidden panel in the ceiling, the blade burying its tip into the table--right in between Chaos' splayed legs.
Chaos stiffened, his throat going dry as the glaive's blade slowly began to move towards him. At the speed it was being pulled, it would slice him from crotch to skull in about thirty seconds.
"Shimatta," he muttered, trying to pull his body as far away from the advancing glaive as possible. He turned to Beans, who was grinning at his predicament.
"Do you expect me to talk?" he demanded.
Beans laughed. "No, Chaos, I expect you to call me the Queen."
Chaos looked back down at the glaive, eyes widening as it cut into his skirt. "Hey!" he protested. "That wasn't cheap, Beans! You're paying the drycleaning bill for that one! What do you have to say about that?"
Moments later the pet octopus flung itself onto his face.
"Okay," Chaos' muffled voice said from beneath the tentacles as the growling octopus clung to his head. "*Now* this is personal."
It was now or never to use H's special arsenal of secret weapons. Chaos wriggled his arm, letting a hidden pen slide down his sleeve and into his hand. The Silence Glaive was mere inches from turning this encounter into a Jewish bris. Chaos flipped the pen around, clicking the top three times in a row.
Aiming the end at the blade, he braced himself for the kick as a series of small naughty tentacles shot out from the pen. They wrapped themselves around the blade and then working their way into the mechanism that was dragging the weapon along. Seconds later the Silence Glaive came to a loud, crashing halt, just a breath away from Chaos' groin.
Beans whirled. "CHAOS!"
Chaos twirled the pen around once more, and then clicked the top twice. "Here's a little Cream Lemon in your eye, Beans!" he shouted through the attack octopus.
The instant the pen hit the floor, it detonated. The entire room was flooded in whipped cream which swept everyone away in a flashflood of creamy hentai delight. And just then--!
* * *
And just then, Beans' eyes opened as with a startled gasp she awoke. "What a horrible dream," she whispered, feeling her heart frantically beating inside of her chest.
[Fanboy's Note: ^^ Had you readers going there for a moment, didn't I? Oh, how I just love to play with all your little minds!]
Beans shook her head, brushing aside a few stray bangs of hair. Without a doubt, that was the most demented dream she had ever experienced. The only possible thing that could have made it worse would have been to have dreamed in all in Japanese with English subtitles.
"Damn tofu burritos," she muttered, rubbing her temples.
Like she would ever be able to get back to sleep after this.
It was then that she noticed a familiar sound was no longer being heard inside her dorm room. Certainly there were Alex and Jeff sleeping soundly in the bed across from hers, but something else was missing: an almost constant electronic hum--not from her cherished Yggdrasil computer, but from an aquarium tank.
Beans slowly turned to her dresser. The moonlight peering in through the window revealed a perfectly immaculate and empty top. The lake god was missing.
"M-Masaka," she said, crawling out from her warm bed and scrambling over to the dresser. The aquarium had been here not a few hours ago when she had finally relented to sleep. As much as a lake god could do whatever it wanted to, Beans was fairly certain that it hadn't simply picked up its aquarium and gone for a midnight stroll.
A note was awaiting her in the exact place where the lake god had once been contentedly burbling in its aquarium. Beans held the note up to the moonlight, and read it:
We have your lake god. You cannot
find us. You cannot trace us.
Beans crumpled the sheet of paper in her fist, eyebrow twitching fiercely. "He's gonna pay for this," she muttered darkly. "Oh yes, the little twerp's definitely gonna pay."
* * *
Regardless of whether or not that payment to Beans would have been via cash or cheque, Chaos was in a rather oblivious and jovial mood as he made his first actual entrance into this fic. Oblivious in the sense that all his paychecks were still going to the city of Tokyo to pay back all those Mass Destruction incidents from earlier.
"I am the Otaking!" the crossdressing fanboy exclaimed happily, kicking open the front door of the apartment. However his dramatic entrance was abruptly cut short as the apartment door swung back again, and smacked him in the face.
"All hail the conquering hero," Dark Mayhem glibly remarked, not even looking up from the fridge. Dressed in a housecoat and still smouldering from his 'tutorial' with the naive Ami-chan, the uber exploder fanboy pulled out a bottle of Hard Lemonade and took a hard swig of the contents.
A sweatdrop appeared next to Chaos' face, which he promptly smacked into the aquarium. "Don't everyone applaud me at once," he said, somewhat dejected.
"We'll save our rousing cheers until after your smiting," Pesti-chan stated, flipping absently through channels on the television set.
"Aw, but it's those rousing cheers that sustain me through my smitings!" Chaos protested, his kawaii kitty ears popping up.
"What's that aquarium for?" Xellos inquired from his seat at the dining room table.
"I'm so glad you asked, Xellos," Chaos said proudly, striking a triumphant pose. "This is *my* lake god, which I have liberated once and for all from Beans!"
Just then it finally clicked inside the void that could be called Chaos' brain: Xellos was not a reoccurring Fanboys! cast member.
"Xellos?" Chaos exclaimed, reverting into SD mode. "The Slayers' resident demon sorcerer? What are you doing here?!"
Xellos grinned, sipping his tea.
Xellos: ^^ "That's...a secret."
"He's here to see the elf," Dark Mayhem explained, leaning against the counter. "Xellos is her nine-thirty appointment tonight."
"Nine forty-five," Xellos corrected. "Sarcasm asked me to be a part of her harem, and since I had nothing better to do at the time, I figured 'why not?'"
"Why can't that ever work for me?" a teary Bambi-eyed Chaos lamented.
"Because like the rest of us, you're male," Carnage stated as he emerged from his own bathing session. "The female self-inserted avatars get away with everything in the series, and we're left with...with...with Miyu's hands down my boxer shorts again."
Miyu giggled. "Gomen ne, Carnage-chan. But you're still wet. With all those water droplets falling down your soft skin, I couldn't help it."
Mosquiton sighed as he walked on by the vampire princess while carting more of Sarcasm's laundry. "If I wanted to do that to Sarcasm, I'd have to schedule it a week in advance."
"Hey, I'm female part of the time too!" Chaos said, pulling out his Haley henshin. "Why don't I have a harem of Anime babes all over me?!"
[Cue female Havoc bounding across the apartment!]
Havoc-chan: ^-^ [with panties!] "Hotcha! Luck be a hentai tonight!"
Nekkid Anime babes: [trampling all over Chaos] "Give those back, you freak!"
"Perhaps I should have been a little more specific," warbled Chaos' voice as he peeled his flattened SD self off the carpet.
"That generally helps," Pesti-chan said, turning off the TV and directing his attention to Chaos. "So, where's the remote control of the gods?"
"Ano...it was right here," Chaos said, checking all his pockets. "Strange; where could it have disappeared to?" Instantly, his head was sent through the floor as Havoc-chan neatly crash-landed on top of him.
"Ah, it's good to be the Hentenno!" she sighed.
"Komban wa, Havoc," Dark Mayhem remarked. "So, what new perversions have you concocted this time?"
Suddenly video girl Ai charged across the living room, lobbing pots and pans at Havoc-chan. "Damn you! Give Ai-chan back her breasts, you bastard!" she snarled, pointing to her relatively flat chest.
Dark Mayhem raised an eyebrow. "Okay, that's a new one."
Havoc-chan's Chichiri grin never disappeared as she hauled out the remote control of the gods. Seconds later she punched the 'zoom' button, thus forcing Ai's bosoms to become absolutely enormous. Unfortunately for Chaos, he chose that exact moment to pull his head out of the floor, thus getting hit in the face by a speeding nipple that sent him through the wall.
Pesti: [sigh!] "I suppose we really didn't need that part of the living room anyways."
Havoc: ^-^ "Hotcha! I can't wait to adjust the tracking on Lina Inverse's chest!"
Xellos: ^^ "She'd probably thank you for it."
Carnage: [squashed against the wall] "Damn you, Havoc! I'd Bram Gush you if I could actually move!"
"Would you cut that out, you pervert!" Chaos exclaimed, punting Havoc down the hallway. "Dammit, do I just have a sign that says 'Smite Me' on the back of my head?"
"Hai," Pesti-chan replied. "Anarchy shaved it into your hair yesterday."
Chaos' eyebrow twitched. "Ah...I see. No matter though, for no one can rob me of my glorious victory tonight! Behold our official and permanent mascot: the lake god!!"
"Oooooh!" Xellos said, clapping.
Carnage shot him a look. "Don't encourage him."
Pesti-chan walked over towards the kitchen. "He's going to get pummelled royally for this one," he muttered to Dark Mayhem.
Dark Mayhem nodded. "Ten thousand yen says its one large octopus instead of the dozens of little ones."
"And to celebrate this landmark event," Chaos continued, unaware of the betting pool. "Check out this new Chaosfic I've created. Sure we hardcore otaku mock DiC for its dubbing and cut scenes of Sailor Moon, but let's face it: most of us would have never gotten into Anime without having seen the English Sailor Moon first. I wanted to redeem the DiC dubbing, so I wrote this salutary fic."
He handed the manuscript over to Carnage, who happened to be the nearest victim on hand. The mecha otaku never made it past the title.
Carnage: [NASTY eyebrow twitch!] "Mad Maxfield Stanton: Beyond Jupiter Thunderdome?!"
Chaos: ^-^ "Ah, you like, ne?"
Carnage: [grabbing hold of a dangling pan-dimensional rope] "SUPER GUNDAM CRUSHING PRESS!!!"
Seconds later Chaos was clobbered by a granite statue of the Deathscythe Hell Custom that fell from above for no apparent reason.
"Itai," squeaked the fanboy squashed beneath the stone smite.
The loud thud! from the Gundam press startled a snoozing Anarchy, who had long since passed out behind the couch. Groggily, she lifted her head and surveyed the apartment. Seeing that Chaos had already been smited, she returned to her nap.
"Tea, anyone?" Carnage inquired, fireballing the Chaosfic script. "How about I just phone for take-out," Pesti-chan said, picking up the receiver and punching in a number. "Ne, is it okay if we stick with okonomiyaki from Uuchan's like last night?"
Suddenly one of the enormous EVA wall scrolls rippled with light, and out from it emerged a rather familiar divine face. "Greetings!" goddess 1st class, Belldandy, said cheerfully. "What is your desire?"
Startled, Pesti-chan recoiled and split apart into his six li'l SD versions. The phone receiver soared across the living room before being adeptly caught by Dark Mayhem.
Carnage dropped his cup of green tea. "Na ni?"
"My entrances are a lot more fun," Xellos sighed.
"Can't you give us a little warning before showing up like that?" SD Pesti-chan #4 exclaimed. "I think I have to visit the little fanboy's room now!"
Dark Mayhem put his ear to the receiver.
"Thank you for phoning the Goddess Technical Hotline," came an automated voice. "We are now sending one of our consultants to meet with you."
"Guess who's coming to dinner, guys," Dark Mayhem remarked.
"Kekko Kamen?" Havoc-chan voted, popping up.
"SHADDUP HAVOC!!" the fanboys retorted.
Belldandy looked around the apartment. "Na ni? You guys *again*? Don't you think you're abusing our phone number a little too much?"
SD Pesti-chan #2 shrugged. "So I have an uncanny knack for misdialling phone numbers."
Carnage nudged Dark Mayhem. "What does she mean by 'again'?"
"She's the reason we're here in the first place," Dark Mayhem replied. "We dialled the hotline instead of a pizza parlour, and wound up here in the series. And when we had that big Yggdrasil bug infestation in F5!, she was able to tell us how to stop the singularity by stripping the Senshi nekkid."
Carnage sweatdropped. "Why must everything you guys do involve whips or nekkid flashes?"
Quoth the fanboys: "Author."
"Well, whether or not you are abusing our hotline, I still have to grant you one wish," Belldandy sighed, floating down onto the couch.
An evil grin appeared on the faces of Chaos, the Pesti-chans, Dark Mayhem and Carnage.
"No more disorders," SD Pesti-chan #6 said. "No going Jusenkyo, no Zoantropying, no Tenchi Masaki syndrome."
"Would you pull yourself back together, Pesti-chans?" Chaos said.
Dark Mayhem nodded. "I don't spontaneously combust, and we get rid of Hysteria for good. Say, where did the kawaii little bowtie for a brain disappear to anyways?"
"Sleepover with Nurse Angel Ririka," Carnage replied. He grinned at his own ideas of avatar powers. "Escafanboy gets finished at last, and An-chan becomes mine once again!"
Chaos, Dark Mayhem and Pesti-chan dove for the ground as an AT Field flung Carnage into the kitchen.
"Don't call me An-chan," Anarchy drawled from behind the couch.
"Hotcha!" Havoc-chan sighed wistfully. "More panties! More Jello! More nekkid flashes!"
"We are NOT wishing for that!" Carnage snapped, catapulting Havoc through the ceiling with the Zanba sword. "You've already maxed out all those types of scenes, Havoc!"
"Yes!" Chaos cackled. "No more transsexual starlight transformations, no longer will my Mako-chan hit me for groping her breasts--"
"WHOSE Mako-chan?!" Pesti-chan shot back.
"--no more vicious smites for no apparent reason, and perhaps the best thing of all: the lake god becomes mine forever!"
Beans: "Not yet."
Chaos: o.O [sweatdrop!] "......"
Suddenly an enormous octopus was sent through the balcony windows, shattering the glass and glomping onto Chaos. However it is rather difficult for gargantuan undersea invertebrates to stop their inertia, and thus Chaos was sent through the front door of the apartment. After that, Chaos was then sent into the apartment across the hallway, the oversized octopus still glued to...pretty much all of him.
The fanboys winced as a cloud of dust and drywall was sent up. "Okay, you win," Pesti-chan coughed, handing Dark Mayhem a stack of money.
Carnage's eyes bugged out upon seeing an AD Police attack hovercopter just outside their balcony. "I don't think I own that yet," he remarked, pulling out his daily planner. "Note to self: acquire AD Police attack hovercopter tomorrow...noonish."
Beans stepped down from the hovercopter, walking into the remains of the fanboys' apartment. Without even saying a word, she calmly approached the burbling aquarium and took it in her arms.
"What is the meaning of this intrusion, Beans?!" Chaos exclaimed. "I don't believe this; so now you've resorted to kidnapping my mascot just to make it yours."
Beans rolled her eyes in exasperation. "What am I?" she lamented. "Flypaper for freaks?! Chaos, the lake god belongs to me and *my* fanfic series. It was never yours to begin with! College Life started a whole year before Curse of the Fanboys did. There is no logical reason for you to have this lake god."
Chaos sweatdropped. "I'm not following you."
"I have a whole platoon of 'Shake Your Booty' ChibiChibi robots downstairs in the lobby," Beans stated. "Don't make me use them, Chaos."
"Hai hai," Pesti-chan stated darkly. "Don't make her use them, Chaos. We insist."
That got Chaos to laugh. "Ha! Don't be so petty, Beans; hiding behind an army of smiting robots. Come on, let's duke it out right here for domination of the lake god. Just you and me, mono a mono--"
Dark Mayhem: "Victim to mugger."
Chaos: "Hush, Uber Exploder Newt-boy!"
"Come on, Beans," Chaos said, assuming a mock-martial arts pose. "Give me your best shot. I dare you!"
Beans rolled her eyes and snapped her fingers. Immediately a horde of terrified flying octopi were lobbed from across the apartment, plastering Chaos to whatever was still left of the wall.
"A-Ano...." Belldandy spoke up hesitantly. "I am running on a tight schedule, so could you please decide on your wish soon?"
Leaving Beans and Chaos to attack each other--or more like Chaos just smiting himself with a cow in a bathtub--Carnage, Dark Mayhem and Pesti-chan gathered together in a huddle. This was their big chance to make it their ultimate fanfictional fantasy ever. They quickly consulted the best way to word their wish.
"Okay, here's our wish," Pesti-chan said, turning to an expectant
Belldandy. "We want--"
"You deserve the lake god?!" Beans exclaimed, cutting off Pesti-chan's voice. "Why would I leave that aquarium with a super deforming, breast-groping, cross-dressing, gender-bending Starlight transsexual wanna-be excuse for target practice like you?"
Chaos stuck out his tongue and pulled down one of his eyelids. "PIIIIIDAAA!! I'm the one who's survived more disasters, Beans! I can take whatever my author dishes out *and* whatever has fall from the sky to flatten me, but you'd never last in the world of the Fanboys!"
"Hey, I can take on your series anyday," Beans shot back. "You're the one who'd never be able to survive in my series. You can't be serious to save the universe!"
"I could so!" Chaos protested, his kawaii kitty ears popping out. "Ha! I'd love to see you try to live in College Life," Beans stated, crossing her arms over her chest.
Belldandy smiled. "Done! Your wish is granted."
Beans & Chaos: o.O;;
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