His lordship Chaos presents:
The worst foe lies within the self-inserted.
[Cue His lordship Chaos sitting at the pilot's chair of in EVA entry plug, dressed in a white plugsuit with SD Pesti-chan plushies floating around in the LCL fluid!]
His lordship Chaos: ^^v "I, His lordship Chaos, do hereby permit this part of the Pestific to be about Evangelion."
[Unexpectedly an Angel attacks Tokyo-3! The author's EVA is launched from its hangar, ready to face off against it. And there amidst the buildings is a large, black leathery scarecrow-like Angel...with the cute yellow head of a Puchuu bear!]
Puchuuiel: ^^ "Puchuu!"
His lordship Chaos: [chaaaaarge!] "Author Terror Field, activate!"
Puchuuiel: ^^ "Puchuu?"
[The author's EVA suddenly turns to EVA 00, bends it over backwards and draws the Spear of Longinus from its chestpiece!]
His lordship Chaos: "Give me the Impact to revolutionize the world!
Touga: [bare-chested in his motorcycle sidecar!] "Now, let us show you the End of Eva!"
Puchuuiel: o.O; "PUCHUUUUUUUU!!!!"
Hideaki Anno: [scratching his head] "This scene doesn't make any sense at all."
Dark Mayhem: "Oh, the irony."
[Cue the fic!]
Pesti-chan here again.
Since all hell is breaking loose and running around in 6 li'l knee-high incarnations of terror, all I can say is that I fear. I am a normal avatar. Really...honest! Come on, think about it: when I'm myself, have I ever really done anything flagrantly self-gratuitous? No, of course not. Even my courtship with Makoto (and my subsequent rivalry with Chaos-no-Baka) was tame by any comparison.
If there's anyone to blame...it's them!!!
[Cue the handy-dandy diagram!]
A) SD Pesti #1 (Chibichi)
B) SD Pesti #2 (Ni-san)
C) SD Pesti #3 (San-chan/Chibi-san)
D) SD Pesti #4 (Yon)
E) SD Pesti #5 (Go)
F) SD Pesti #6 (Roku)
Washu-sensei: ^-^ "Wheee! This Powerpoint thing is fun to play with."
Ines-sensei: "You're very good at that, Washu. I'm impressed."
Ines-sensei: [sigh!] "Washu-CHAN. Hey, wait a minute...this is *my* laptop!!!"
chibi-Washu #1: "Busted."
chibi-Washu #2: "You're in for it now, you magnificent genius you, Washu-chan."
Ines-sensei: [punting the chibi-Washu's!] "You two stay out of this! And as for you, Washu...using my own equipment is an unforgivable sin of science. You shall be punished!!"
Washu-sensei: "If you Boson Jump into Pretty Science Soldier Ines, I'm sending my cabbit after you."
Catastrophe: >) "chuuuu...."
Ryo-Ohki: o.O; [dashing off across the lab!] "Niyao!!!"
Ines-sensei: "Ha! You're just jealous because you can't fit into a sailor battle fuku with that hair, crab-head!"
Washu-sensei: [tearing off her professor robes] "Okay, that's it! You asked for it, blondie. Bring on the henshin!"
Ines-sensei: [grrr!] "My pleasure."
Ryo-ohki: o.o; [bounding in between Ines' legs!] "Niyao Niyao Niyao!"
Catastrophe: >) "chu chu!"
['Naze Nani Fanboys!' will no longer be seen today, as we have no idea what the hell the current hosts are up to. But tune in next time for the latest Juri Springer show. Next week we feature our guests Shayla-Shayla, Key the Metal Idol and Mokona in: "Leave me alone, you stupid marshmallow."]
Key: [monotone] "Key does not want Mokona to be one of her thirty-thousand friends."
Mokona: ^-^ [bouncing up & down in his chair] "Pu Pu Puuuu!"
Shayla-Shayla: "Will you shut up for once? Honestly, Juri, this gelatinous white thing won't stop following me all through El Hazard. You have any idea how impossible it is to try and get up the courage to ask Makoto out when you keep hearing 'Pu!' echoing down the corridors?"
Key: "Mokona scares away all of Key's other fanboys."
Juri Springer: "These sound like serious allegations against you, Mokona. What do you have to say about this?"
Mokona: ^-^ "Puuu!"
Shayla-Shayla: "Okay, that's it! I'm priming my Lamp of Fire and I'm gonna flambe your marshmallowy butt!"
Juri Springer: "Miss Shayla, please try to refrain yourself from using violence. We're only five minutes into the show. You can start a brawl after the next commercial break."
Shayla-Shayla: [pouting] "Hai...."
Mokona: ^^;; "Pu Puuu?"
Shayla-Shayla: "Same to you, buddy! Ano...Juri? Juri?"
Juri Springer: [cuddling up next to Key] "You know, Ohtori Academy's Student Council office gets rather lonely at night. Maybe you could give me a private performance later on...."
Key: [monotone] "Please remove your hand from Key's thigh."
Shayla-Shayla: "Juri, quit hitting on the guests!"
Juri Springer: "Hey, I have needs too! After that damned Shiori dumped me for a man, I've been deeply wounded. Besides, if you want we could make it a threesome, Shayla; we could do a spot on next week's show."
Shayla-Shayla: --;; "As if Alielle wasn't enough."
Mokona: ^-^ "Pu Puuuuuu!"
Key: "Key doesn't want to have the power to revolutionize the world. Key only wants to become human."
Juri: "Oh, I can help you in that department...."
Shayla-Shayla: "Juri, quit molesting the poor metal idol!"
Juri: ;p "Aw, are you jealous?"
Shayla-Shayla: [blush!] "W-What kind of a stupid question is that?!"
Key; "Key likes Shayla-Shayla. Will you be one of Key's friends?"
Shayla-Shayla: "Only in a platonic sense here."
Mokona: ^-^ "Puuu!"
Everyone: "SHUT UP, YOU STUPID MARSHMALLOW!!"
* * *
Part the Third: Self-Inserted EVAtars
"Well," a rather scorched SD Pesti #5 remarked, trying to sound cheerful despite having been blown away by the Oracle cannon. "The morning was certainly eventful, ne?"
All the other SD Pesti-chans glowered at him.
Ever since the first period had ended, they were all forced to share a single desk for the rest of their classes. However, their super-deformed antics ensured that they were banished to the back corner of the class where the teacher wouldn't have to worry about being in ground zero.
SD Pesti #2 was still looking throughly felt up and molested, and refused to talk about it. SD Pesti #3 was busy playing Cat's Cradle with a pair of panties, while a catatonic #1 was staring wide-eyed at nothing in particular, a melted ice cream cone still sitting atop his head. SD Pesti #6 had yet to recover his shorts from Ruckus despite filing a grievance with the student council office, and was forced to sulk in his Sanrio boxers. The only one who seemed unfazed was #4, who sat there with his kawaii yellow teddybear body; on occasion he would let out a "Puchuu!" sound that made all the girls blush and swoon at his cuteness.
Once the lunch bell rang, it was a welcomed relief for the SD Pesti-chans. They scuttled down off the desk, happy to no longer be in close quarters (and certainly not close nickels or dimes or even a close, battle aura- sucking 5 Yen coin) with each other.
"You know," SD Pesti #2 remarked as he combed his hair out. "Sharing an entire fic with all five of you guys is liable to drive anyone to committing seppuku."
"I just hope this opposing polarity plot device wears off soon," SD Pesti #5 sighed. "I'm having enough trouble trying to keep everyone else out of trouble."
SD Pesti #6 let out a derisive snort. "Oh, and since when did you suddenly become the mature chibi here, Go?"
"Hey, I didn't spent my first period trying to reclaim my shorts from Ruckus!" #5 retorted.
"As I recall," SD Pesti #4 said. "You spent most of your first class trying to outrun Hysteria."
"That's beside the point, Yon."
As they started bickering with each other (yet again), SD Pesti #1 happily bounded into a startled Makoto's arms. Purring contentedly he clung to the blouse of her uniform, kawaii kitty ears popping out from his hair. His neko moment was subsequently interrupted, however, when Rampage bounded into the room and mistook him for a small cute mascot.
SD Pesti #1: o.O; [running across the classroom!] "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
Rampage: ^-^ [boing boing boing!] "CHU CHU!"
SD Pesti #1: o.O; [running the other way across the classroom!] "Mako-chan, tasukete!!!"
"I don't know how much more of this I can take," Makoto sighed to her friends. "I like Kamui and all...but six of him?"
Demolition nodded his head. "Yeah, they are annoying little idiots, aren't they? I swear, it's like living with a bunch of four year-olds."
Dark Mayhem gave his self-inserted friend a dry look. "That's like Pot-chan calling the Kettle 'black'...and then running off with him, leaving Gan-chan behind."
Usagi raised her hand. "Um...I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to say here. I'm running short on ideas for dialogue."
"She's not the only one," Minako agreed.
Demolition's eyebrow twitched. "So what are you ladies looking at us like that for? We never receive copies of the script in the mail. How the hell are we supposed to know what happens next?"
"Ano, usually on days like this, a youma of some kind shows up and attacks some randomly-chosen victim we coincidentally met earlier that day," Ami said as she opened up her bento box lunch. "But since Carrot-chan helped blow up all our enemies, it's been kinda slow."
Demolition: [flex flex!] "And what am I here: leftover beef teriyaki?!"
Usagi: ^-^ "Oooooh, I like the sounds of that. I'm getting hungry now! Wai!"
Demolition: --;; "If anyone needs me, I'll be out getting drunk."
But luckily for everyone involved, the latest plot device made its grand appearance before anyone was stuck with an awkward pause in the dialogue. Klaxons began blaring all over the district, and a courteous female voice stated over the intercom, "The city is currently in a state of emergency. Please proceed immediately to your predesignated emergency shelter."
Ami immediately gripped Dark Mayhem a little tighter. "What's going on?"
"Well, this is Tokyo," the uber exploder fanboy said, shrugging his shoulders. "Could be 'end of the world' harbingers, or a large rubbery monster, or a natural disaster, or an alien invasion. The possibilities are almost endless."
"So what sort of large-scale emergency is there to worry about now?" SD Pesti #4 remarked, scratching his head. He peered out through the classroom windows and saw only a peaceful view of the city.
"The Angelic, collateral damage-inducing kind of emergency, you chibified twit," the not-so-courteous female voice stated over the loudspeakers. "All EVA pilots are to get their butts over to the Geofront A.S.A.P."
SD Pesti #4 blinked a few times before glancing back at the other chibi-avatars. "Did I just get lipped off by an automated message?"
"Never mind that," SD Pesti #5 countered, making a dramatic leap onto the nearest desktop. "My fellow Pesti's, the city is in danger! Now is when we must rally together and help defend it against--"
"Something that doesn't even remotely belong in the Sailormoon universe?" SD Pesti #2 finished.
SD Pesti #5 promptly facevaulted.
Meanwhile, the smile on SD Pesti #6's face was growing bigger. Not to mention he was quickly needing the use of a bib to keep from drooling all over his chibi- uniform and shorts. "Mass destruction: good!" he chanted.
"I see we've got Roku willing to join me," SD Pesti #5 said, recovering from #2's latent sarcasm. "Who else is willing to go and fight for the honour of Tokyo and the fair Mako-chan?"
"Do you think I'd look good in Asuka's plugsuit?" SD Pesti #4 asked, pivoting around and wiggling his chibified butt. "I men red isn't my colour but it would nicely compliment my eyes."
SD Pesti #5 sweatdropped. "I'll assume that was a 'yes.' Ni-san, are you with us?"
"Sure, why the hell not," SD Pesti #2 replied with a nonchalant shrug. "It'll be fun watching you all make super-deformed asses of yourselves."
Now grinning at his successful rallying of the troops, SD Pesti turned to the perverted incarnation. "San-chan, what about you?"
SD Pesti #3 considered the offer. "I've always wanted to go snorkelling in that aquarium full of the nekkid Rei clones."
"Good enough!" SD Pesti #5 stated, heading for the door. "Onwards, my Pesti's: for the glory of...something I'll think of later!"
The other SD Pesti's followed in behind, SD Pesti #6 trying to thump SD Pesti #3 in the process--only to thump SD Pesti #4 instead. SD Pesti #2 was the last to trudge out of the classroom, prying a rather teary-eyed and frightened SD Pesti #1 off Makoto in the process.
"If we're not back in an hour," he said to Makoto with a wink. "Call Anno and tell him we're through being his Impact bitches."
Makoto: [blink blink!] "Ano...what exactly is happening here?"
Demolition: "Don't ask. Your newbie mind is better off not knowing."
[Sometime later, in NERV headquarters....]
Ikari Gendo (1997 & 1998 winner of the 'Anime Asshole of the Year' award) sat in behind his desk, his hands clasped together and hiding most of his face like always. His second-in-command, Fyutsuki, idly wondered if Gendo didn't ever throw a mannequin of himself there and take off for a vacation; the man hardly moved at his desk.
"Fyutsuki," Gendo said in his monotone voice. "What of the Seventh Angel?"
"Israfel is currently moving towards the city from the Bay of Tokyo," Fyutsuki answered. "Currently he's travelling underwater. We estimate that it will reach the coastline and surface in approximately one hour."
Gendo nodded, looking at Ritsuko & Misato who were both standing at attention in front of his desk. "Prepare the EVA units for transport, and show the pilots in so we can review the tactics for today's battle."
"Ano...we've hit an unexpected snag," Misato said, trying to sound optimistic despite the nervousness in her voice. "You have to see this to believe it, Sir."
The four special pilots were called into the room. Naturally Asuka was the first to enter, strutting her stuff and looking every part the German toaster strudel that she was. Shuffling behind her was Shinji, who was still trying to find his lost backbone (without success).
Bringing up the rear was Rei Ayanami. "Please excuse my lateness," she said in her soft monotone voice. "A chibified pervert tried to climb into my plugsuit with me."
One of Gendo's eyebrows went up. Misato just groaned and growled to herself, "I'm going to kill that little twerp when I get my hands on him!"
And then into the room burst a small flood of SD Pesti-chans. SD Pesti #6 was busy chasing after SD Pesti #3, who had seen to it that most of NERV's female personnel were now without apparel. SD Pesti #5 was shouting for them to stop fighting and get organized, while #4 was busy telling a wide-eyed #1 about how he looked better than Shinji in Asuka's red plugsuit. SD Pesti #2 strolled in a few seconds after everyone else, busy checking out a copy of the NERV Illustrated's Swimsuit Edition.
Fyutsuki could only gawk at the uproar the SD Pesti's were creating. "What happened the them?" he demanded.
Misato sighed and shook her head. "I have no idea. They're all the same pilot, just different manifestations of his personality traits."
"It does not matter," Gendo stated. He paused long enough to lob a small Jet Alone voodoo doll at SD Pesti #4, clocking the chibified avatar in the side of the head. "Now, we must move fast if we are to protect the greater part of the city. Since Rei's EVA is still being modified, Unit 00 cannot be used in battle. I want EVA units 01 and 02 to set up flanking positions on either side of the Angel, while EVA 04 leads the assault and holds the Angel at bay. Any questions?"
SD Pesti #5: [raising his hand] "Hai! Aren't you supposed to be somewhere else during this particular episode of Evangelion?"
Other SD Pesti's: [slowly turning their heads] "......"
SD Pesti #5: "What? It's a legitimate plothole in this scene."
SD Pesti #6: "Do you want us to get sac-beaten by Puchuu bears again?!"
SD Pesti #1: o.O; "Kowai!"
Gendo: [eyebrow twitch!] "Anyone else with a question?"
Asuka immediately voiced her own objections to the plan. "Why can't I take the lead?" she exclaimed indignantly, thumbing over to the cluster of chibi- avatars. "Don't tell me you're going to trust the fate of the city and the glory of NERV with this pack of child- sized losers?"
SD Pesti #6: [grrrrr!] "Let me at her! Just one chibi- Rumbleqake, that's all I ask!"
SD Pesti #4: [desperately holding #6 back] "No, Roku! That's not predicted in the Marduk report!"
Gendo looked from Asuka's agitated facial expression to the jostling gaggle of SD Pesti-chans. "I will be bluntly honest here," he stated. "We're sending them in first because they're the most expendable of all the EVA pilots. If there must be any loss for NERV, theirs is the acceptable one."
"Ha!" SD Pesti #4 crooned, repeatedly poking his fingertip against Asuka's chest. "In your face, Strudel- girl! We're going out first because we're expandable! Whaddaya have to say about that?"
All the other SD Pesti-chans smacked their foreheads.
SD Pesti #2: "Well, at least we know where we stand on the EVAlutionary ladder."
SD Pesti #5: [facevault!] "No more puns, Ni-san!"
"Commander Ikari," Misato spoke up. "I'm sure it's a good plan, but how exactly are we going to find plugsuits small enough for all six of him...six of them...whatever."
"Daijobu," Gendo said, retaining his ever-calm composure. "We planned for such a contingency long ago. Major Katsuragi, you will find a number of chibified plugsuits for them in the locker room. Access the door to storage area B. Get them suited up immediately."
Asuka huffed and stormed out, with Shinji mutely trailing after her like a lost puppydog. Rei glanced down at SD Pesti #3, who was happily snuggled against her bosoms.
Rei: "Could you please detach yourself?"
SD Pesti #3: "But Ai Name-chan, they're so much fun to fondle!"
Rei: [hushed whisper] "San-chaaaaaan! I told you never to call me that at work!"
As the rest of the Children walked out, SD Pesti #2 pulled out a two-page spread an showed it to Misato. "I have to know: this is bodypaint or what?"
Misato blushed profusely and used her status as a higher-ranking officer as reason not to answer.
Once the door closed behind SD Pesti #4 (though after it closed right on him the first time), Fyutsuki leaned over to Gendo. "Did you really plan for this sort of contingency?"
A sweatdrop hovered next to Gendo's head. "Not really; those suits got shrunk in the wash a month ago."
Ritsuko may have been a veritable genius with computers, but she would never again be trusted with doing the laundry.
* * *
Within ten minutes the SD Pesti-chans were decked out in their chibified plugsuits and heading towards their own personal EVA unit. From there they'd all be loaded into their entry plug and then transported to the battlefield. As they walked into EVA 04's hangar bay, the group fell silent in noting how when you're SD everything looks twice as huge as before.
* * *
"You know," SD Pesti #3 remarked in that quiet, awed moment. "From here the entry plug looks like a giant tampon."
[Cue the facevaults!]
"SAN-CHAN!!!" the other SD Pesti's shouted angrily.
SD Pesti #3 just shrugged at them and continued walking. "Hey, I didn't say it was a good comparison."
"I can't help but feel a little anxious, though," SD Pesti #5 admitted. "How do you think we'll do?"
"Now is not the time to get jittery about fighting Angels," SD Pesti #6 stated as he tried to better adjust the position of his plugsuit around the crotch area. "Just think about all the fun we're going to have kicking their otherworldly asses across the city!"
SD Pesti #5 looked up at the daunting, black form of the EVA Hell Custom. "Actually, I'm worried about what Carnage has done to modify our EVA. Remember last time, when he had the popcorn machine running off an unstable Shizuma Drive?"
SD Pesti #4 laughed, scoffing at #5's worries. "Come on, Go; Carnage still hasn't come down from orbit when Naru throttled him this morning. He's had no chances to give us some upgrade gone awry! Who else is there?"
All the SD Pesti-chans froze on the catwalk as Chibi- Me unexpectedly strolled out from behind the EVA Hell Custom, wiping off his grease-covered hands with a spare rag.
SD Pesti #5: ^^; "Ano...you upgraded the EVA Hell Custom for us, didn't you?"
Chibi-Me: ^-^ [nod nod!]
SD Pesti #5: ^^;;;; "That's what I was afraid of."
The group managed to file into the entry plug...whereupon they discovered an unexpected if not comical thing: chibi-avatars are rather buoyant in LCL fluid. As a result, only SD Pesti #5 could stay in the pilot's seat by tenaciously clinging to the controls. SD Pesti #1 was tenaciously clinging to #5's back too. The others were busy floating around inside.
SD Pesti #6 had his arms cross over his chest, sulking that he couldn't swim hard enough to reach any of the weapon controls. #2 was content on floating upside- down as he still leafed through the NERV Illustrated. In trying to balance his internal equilibrium, #3 tried popping his ears--which lead to small streams of Cream Lemon getting blown out of said ears.
"San-chan, will you cut that out?" SD Pesti #5 groaned. "You're going to widen the distortion and severe all our sympathetic links with the EVA."
The entry plug was abruptly jostled, sending all the floating SD Pesti-chans flailing through the LCL and colliding with each other.
Misato: [turning on the intercom] "How are you doing in there?"
SD Pesti-chans: "ITAI!!!"
Misato: --;; "We are never going to live this down, are we?"
Ritsuko: "Not in this season, anyways. With any luck, the End of Eva movies will redeem us."
The flight to the coast proved uneventful, aside from all the SD Pesti-chans smacking into each other. Misato's voice came over the audio channels once the EVA Hell Custom was deployed to intercept Israfel. "Remember, do it just like we planned: one quick, surgical strike should destroy it without any real property damage or re-gridding of the city map."
The front viewscreen of the EVA unit came alive, displaying the ghost-town look of the coastline. And there, knee-deep in the water was the towering form of the Angel.
"It looks almost like Jim Henson designing a Gumbi doll," SD Pesti #2 remarked.
"Probably just as rubbery too," SD Pesti #5 agreed.
SD Pesti #6 flashed an evil, fanged grin. "Give me ten seconds alone with Israfel, and my Prog Knife will have him diced up into tenshimi."
"That was one of the worst EVA puns I've ever heard," SD Pesti #4 sighed, rolling his eyes. "Even worse the EVAlution one from Ni-san."
"Oh, and I suppose you could do better on such short notice?" SD Pesti #6 snapped.
Misato: "Prepare to engage the Angel!"
"Ph33r not!" SD Pesti #3 proclaimed, holding his hand up to the front viewscreen. "I have here something that the Angels cannot stand against!"
"If it's Dom's vibrating sheep of death, I'm leaving through the emergency exit hatch," SD Pesti #2 stated.
SD Pesti #5: [sweatdrop!] "Since when did San-chan become l33t?"
SD Pesti #6: --;; "Since Havoc starting his new online venture, a dot.cum enterprise."
SD Pesti #5: o.O;; "D-Dot...cum?"
SD Pesti #4: "Yeah, apparently his online trading site, Ebra, is making serious cash these days."
SD Pesti #5: o.O;;;; "Ebra?!"
"Behold!" SD Pesti #3 boomed, holding his sacred item out to the viewscreen of the entry plug in the misguided thought that the Angel would be able to see it & quiver in abject terror. "I have here the panties of Sakura Momoiro!"
"And?" SD Pesti #2 inquired, not exactly impressed. "They're just panties, San-chan."
SD Pesti #3 took minor insult, swimming around in the LCL with an annoyed look on his face. He thrusted the panties in front of #2's face and stated, "These just aren't any pair of panties, Ni-san. These are risque, man- winning panties!"
[Cue the facevaults...as much as one can whilst floating!]
At that, the ingenue in #5 kicked in. His nostrils twitched, and then unleashed a geyserous nosebleed.
"Shimatta! Now we're going to have to purge the LCL fluid just to clean this mess up," SD Pesti #6 snarled. "Hey, give me the controls, Chibichi. I'll kick that Angel's ass in no time!"
SD Pesti #3 fended #6 off, cracking his knuckles as he settled into the pilot's chair. "Leave this up to San- chan's capable panty-pilfering hands. First we need to strip that Angel nekkid!"
"Um...the Angels don't wear any clothes," SD Pesti #1 said, scratching his head.
SD Pesti #3 stared blankly at the controls in front of him, drumming his chibi fingers against the armrest. "Next!" he suddenly called out, leaving the pilot's chair.
Unfortunately, SD Pesti #6 was trying to swim past #5's floating, nosebleeding body, and was unable to reach the controls. Without anyone to pilot it, the EVA Hell Custom abruptly lurched forward, its fall neatly cushioned by one of Tokyo's large skyscrapers. And since none of the SD Pesti-chans were strapped in with seatbelts, they all went tumbling around in the LCL fluid, bouncing around the oval entry plug.
SD Pesti #2: "Warn us when you're going to do a thing like that, San-chan!"
SD Pesti #6: "Okay, I've got the controls! Hang on!"
SD Pesti #5: o.O "Don't panic! Don't panic!"
Puchuu bear: ^^ "Puchuu!"
SD Pesti #2: [sweatdrop!] "What the hell is a Puchuu doing floating in the entry plug?"
SD Pesti #4: "My guess would be doing synchronized swimming with the evil marshmallow god of death."
Mokona: ^-^ "PuPu Puuuuuuuuuu!!"
SD Pesti #5: "KYAAAAAAAAAAAA!!"
SD Pesti #6: [leaving the pilot's chair] "Yon, take the controls! I'm going to kill that rabbit-thingy once and for all!"
SD Pesti #4: o.O; "I can't drive this EVA unit! It's stick- shift, and I only know how to pilot automatic. Damn you Chibi-Me for installing a clutch!"
SD Pest #2: "Of all the times not to have a Dummy Plug."
SD Pesti #1: ;_; "Mako-chan, I'm sorry I couldn't return to you!"
SD Pesti #6: "There's got to be an auto-kill button somewhere on the controls! Aha, found it!"
SD Pesti #4: "Roku, you idiot, that was the self-destruct mechanism!"
SD Pesti #6: "Well maybe if NERV ever bothered labelling their buttons, this wouldn't be happening!"
SD Pesti #2: "I take it back: you guys *are* the Dummy Plug."
SD Pesti #3: ^-^ "Oro?"
SD Pesti #6: "Shaddup, San-chan!"
SD Pesti #5: [sweatdrop!] "Roku, you're not going to smite San-chan and make him sploot inside the entry plug, are you?"
SD Pesti #6: "Chibi-Rumblequake!"
SD Pesti #4: "Yep, he's going to try."
SD Pesti #2: [strapping on his parachute] "And there goes this fanfic."
Just as the self-destruct mechanism of the EVA Hell Custom activated itself, a splooting of enormously chibi proportions occurred inside the entry plug. At the risk of stating the obvious, the EVA Hell Custom spread its wings, pulled out its new Prog Scythe (Mk. IV), and then dove headfirst into the ocean. From where she stood in the mobile command centre, Misato winced as she found herself staring at a large crater with the EVA Hell Custom's feet sticking out from it.
Seconds later, the back end of the entry plug exploded like the cork on a champagne bottle, a geyserous fountain of Cream Lemon and LCL fluid raining down upon the entire coastline. All the built-up pressure from such an epic sploot inside a closed environment flung SD Pesti- chans in every direction, some being launched as far as the NERV mobile command post!
Misato: --;; [drenched with Cream Lemon] "This had better not get any worse than it already is."
SD Pesti #4: "Kyaaaaaa! Incoming!!"
Ritsuko: [wearing a rain slicker] "I wonder if that was predicted in the Marduk Report too."
Israfel leaned forward and studied the treadmarks on the upturned EVA 04's feet, pondering this unexpected development. The Angel then waded out to shallower waters, letting Shinji and Asuka cleave it into two fighting halves. Inspired by what it had seen the EVA Hell Custom do, Israfel then proceeded to stick EVA Units 01 & 02 headfirst into the ground.
And there was much rejoicing.
SD Pesti #1 @.@ "Waaaaaaaiiiiii...."
Two hours later, in a small lecture room, the NERV team tried to figure out what the hell had happened. Of course, that took a grand total of 3 seconds to figure out.
* * *
"What the hell was that?" Misato angrily berated all the pilots. Her temper was barely being contained, and the fact that her favourite outfit was now out at the drycleaners wasn't helping. But it was a rather amusing sight to see Misato dressed up in a spare, leather Victorian teddy Maya had lying around.
"We're the laughingstock of all the other secret government agencies in Tokyo," Fyutsuki lamented. "TAC, the Sumeragi family, Big Fire, Symbol; they're all revelling in our failure."
Kaji put up his hand, a wry smirk on his face. "If all these other government agencies are so secret, then how do we know they're laughing at us?"
Misato's eyebrow twitched.
She then turned her gun on Kaji and shot him dead. "Anyone else with a smart-ass question?" she inquired darkly.
SD Pesti #5: o.O;; "Oh my God! She killed Kaji!"
SD Pesti #6: "You bastard!"
"Fyutsuki is right, though," Ritsuko said. "All of our competitors would not hesitate to use this mission failure against us. It gives them the perfect chance to get contracted out and protect whatever incarnation of Tokyo happens to be around at the moment."
Misato glanced back at where Gendo would normally have been sitting. As it turned out, once all the EVAs did their best tulip impressions against Israfel, Gendo opted to discreetly slip out on a business trip and leave this mess to everyone else.
The sounds of SD Pesti #6 and Asuka fighting over who got to hold the popcorn bowl brought her back to the reason she drank so much Yebichu beer.
"Would all of you cut that out!" she snapped.
The EVA pilots all fell silent.
SD Pesti #1, who had been quietly sleeping on Rei's lap, fell off the chair.
"A repeat of this fiasco is unacceptable," Misato said, looking at all the pilots. "You guys only have a few hours before the Angel regenerates himself."
SD Pesti #5: [scratching his head] "I thought the pilots had three days to synchro-train in this episode."
Misato instantly punted SD Pesti #5 through the door. "As I was saying, for you to all work and fight as a team in such a short time, you must be subjected extensive training. This will be rigorous and intense, but you will thank me when your butts don't get mopped across the city.
"Now Shinji and Asuka will be paired up." Misato's eyes narrowed as she turned to the six-pack of sincere- smiling, chibi Pesti-chans. "And you six are all one team."
SD Pesti #2 inquired, "Who gets to train us?"
"Funny you should ask that," Ritsuko said, glancing over to the lecture hall's now broken door.
A few moments later, through the door stepped Mister Miracle! But then when he realized that the SD Pesti-chans were obviously not the famed Battle Athletes of the females' University Satellite, he turned around and left. Though not before all the starving SD Pesti-chans managed to tackle him and steal all his chocolate bars.
Misato quicky called in a substitute instructor. After a few minutes of waiting, in walked--
Nabeshin: ^-^v [all hail his mighty afro!] "Yo."
"Nabeshin here will be your instructor now, Kamui," Misato said. "In order to co-operate, you have to learn to anticipate each other's movements. You must work as six separate entities but act as one fluid unit."
SD Pesti #3: ^^v "I've got lots of fluids in my unit!"
SD Pesti-chans: "SHADDUP, SAN-CHAN!!"
"This is a classic wartime strategy of 'united we stand, divided we facevault without a net'," Nabeshin said as he walked the SD Pesti-chan brigade through their training centre. "In order to improve your reflexes, you must all undergo a formidable synchronisation training."
* * *
SD Pesti #4 raised his hand. "So why are we in a gaming arcade?"
"Because," Nabeshin explained. "Your secret weapon to become a hardened ass-kicking team lies right here!"
He dramatically pointed across the arcade.
Everyone gawked at the sight.
"It's...a Dance Dance Revolution arcade console," SD Pesti #2 said finally.
"More than that," Nabeshin stated. "It's six consoles linked together for mass dance competing. All of you can train together with this."
"NERV actually sanctioned this?" SD Pesti #4 remarked, scratching his head in bewilderment. "I don't know whether I should thank them or call them a bunch of cheapskates."
"If they didn't give us any quarters, then they're definitely cheapskates," SD Pesti #5 replied.
SD Pesti #2 was already musing to himself, "I wonder if we can get NERV to train us at a Pachinko parlour next time...."
As the others were busy talking this strategy over, SD Pesti #1 cautiously placed a foot on one of the coloured pads. With a squeak he jumped back onto SD Pesti #6's head when the coloured pad lit up on contact, a small musical chime sounding.
SD Pesti #1: [blink blink!] "Sugoi!"
SD Pesti #6: --;; "Get the hell off me, Chibichi."
Nabeshin chuckled as he watched the SD Pesti-chans start to experiment with the Dance Dance Revolution consoles. Things went awry in the first round when SD Pesti #4 tried to breakdance in order to beat the Ultimate Dance Robot, and wound up slipping across the panels and colliding with all the other SD Pesti's.
Loud shouts of "Itai!" and "Dumbass!" were heard in the arcade. Nabeshin sighed wistfully at the vibrancy and idiocy of youth, then turned to leave.
"Wait, where are you going?" SD Pesti #6 called out after Nabeshin.
Nabeshin didn't look back, only waving good-bye to them. "My work here is done," he said. "Besides, Puni Puni Poemi's on TV in a few minutes. And after it is my favourite show: Bowling Matsume!"
"Hey!" SD Pesti #5 exclaimed from beneath the dogpile o' Pesti-chans. "Whaddaya mean we're done our training! We still can't work together to save the world!"
Nabeshin glanced back over his shoulder, a rogue smile on his face. "And that is why you're going to save the world this time," he said enigmatically.
The glass doors to the arcade slid back as Nabeshin walked out onto the street. A few seconds later the grinning Nekobus pulled up in front of him. Nabeshin paid his fare and with a "Nyaaaaaaa!" the Nekobus sped off down the road.
"Wow...that guy was so cool!" SD Pesti #1 sighed with teary Bambi eyes.
"I don't think so," SD Pesti #2 countered, pointing out the window. Seconds later Nabeshin came running back down the street with a ramen waitress chasing after him.
Mystery Waitress: "You forgot your soup!"
Nabeshin: o.O; "My precious afro!"
And so the gaggle of chibi-avatars started their rigorous DDR training. Overall their two hours of practice went fairly well...if you didn't count the time when SD Pesti #6 got angry at HipHop for performing a combo move that lost the group the game, and promptly shot his arcade screen.
Or the time they unexpectedly won the 3rd round against Butterfly when she suddenly found herself stripped nekkid in the game and ran off trying to cover herself. Everyone slowly turned to SD Pesti #3, who was happily fondling her computer-generated clothes.
SD Pesti #3: ^-^ "Pixels of fanservice, all for me...."
SD Pesti #2: "So much for this being a family game."
Or if you don't count the time SD Pesti #4 tried a combo finishing move by performing the Asaba Sexy Dance, and then somehow managing to get himself slapped by Jazz & then banned from the rest of that game.
Or the time when SD Pesti #2 wandered off to play DOA-2 and nobody noticed that he had cajoled a small child to take his place. Well...they did notice when Crayon started shaking his "elephant" at the screen.
Or the time when SD Pesti #5 sprained his wrist while he was trying to do the hand actions for the song "Stomp to my Beat." Or the time when SD Pesti #1 was abducted by Azusa Shiatori and renamed "Mildred" all because he looked so adorably cute.
Yet their training at the arcade came to an abrupt end as a black sedan pulled up next to the front doors, and a bunch of guys in suits unceremoniously tossed the SD Pesti-chans into the car. The SD Pesti-chans were whisked away to the Geofront, and a welcomed sight greeted them as they were rushed down into the loading docks: namely the EVA Hell Custom, back on its feet and looking as menacing as ever...the oddly lustrous shine on its armour from the Cream Lemon residue not counting.
"Okay, we execute this just as we planned," Misato stated in the war room. "In approximately half an hour the Angel will have regenerated itself from the N-2 mine we were forced to drop on it after you guys screwed up."
SD Pesti #2: "Gee, thanks for that vote of confidence."
Misato: "You have something to add, Kamui?"
SD Pesti #3: ^-^ "I like your Sailor Moon panties!"
SD Pesti #2: [high-fiving #3] "Good one, San-chan! Way to play her with the seiyuu cameo!"
SD Pesti #3: ^^v "Wai! So what's a seiyuu?"
[Cue the facevaults!]
Trying to enhance her calm, Misato coughed loudly and readdressed the pilots. "You guys are going to be disconnected from your umbilicals in order to free you up for fighting. But that leaves you with three minutes of internal power, so make it quick.
"Now EVA 04 will be in the lead again, mainly because we don't want to be anywhere near it if something goes wrong yet again. Units 01 and 02 will only disconnect from their umbilicals and engage Israfel if 04 fails to destroy the Angel. Now then, any questions before you go to your entry plugs?"
SD Pesti #5 raised his hand. "What's it like being a dragon half?"
With dramatic timpani drums pounding out the obligatory "Angel battle music "through the loudspeakers, the SD Pesti-chans swam through their fishbowl of an entry plug. Complete with a shark too--though no one had any idea of how it got there in the first place.
SD Pesti #4: o.O;; [frantically trying to outswim the shark!] "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!"
SD Pesti #5: "Maybe a piece of Gaghiel's trying to regenerate."
SD Pesti #6: "I vote someone flushed their goldfish down the toilet, and it accidentally got dumped into the LCL slush mixer."
SD Pesti #4: o.O;; [still trying to outswim the shark!] "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!"
SD Pesti #2: "Well that certainly explains why the LCL fluid tastes like strawberry Kool-Aid."
SD Pesti #4: --;; "A little help here guys?!"
Anyhoo, with a half-assed attempt at synchro training behind them, the SD Pesti's prepared themselves for combat. In front of their EVA Hell Custom laid Israfel, whose wrinkly body was almost done steam-pressing itself.
"This is it," SD Pesti #5 stated, gripping the controls of the pilot's chair. "Are you guys ready to show this guy who the self-inserted bosses are?" He sweatdropped as he saw an upsid-edown SD Pesti #1 in an inner-tube float past him.
Abruptly Israfel's to halves straightened up, their regeneration complete. Both turned to the EVA Hell Custom and immediately started lumbering towards it.
"Here we go!" SD Pesti #5 exclaimed, sending the EVA unit charging towards the Angels.
"Cry havoc, and let loose the chibi's of war!" SD Pesti #6 proclaimed.
"I wasn't talking about you, San-chan!"
But unexpectedly, there was a civilian walking the battlefield. And he was standing right between the EVA Hell Custom and the Angel! But have no fear since that person was none other than...someone other than that man, Yang Wen-Li. Desolation: "What the--Israfel?!"
Fairy Godbabbit: "The Angel certainly seems ready to trample you underfoot."
Desolation: [scratching his head] "This can't be right! Consult my day planner. I'm sure I was supposed to get smited by something else today."
Fairy Godbabbit: "Ano...according to this Israfel doesn't have a go at you until next Tuesday, between your tea time with Kasumi and getting cut into sashimi pieces by Zoro and his three swords."
Desolation: [???] "So what is supposed to smite me?"
[Cue the Sol Bianca spaceship plunging from the skies, and crushing Desolation...not to mention crushing Israfel and the EVA Hell Custom in the process!]
SD Pesti's: o.O;;
From where she stood in NERV's mobile command post, Misato jumped to her feet as she saw a cloud of dust rise around the immense form of the Sol Bianca. Once the air was clear of debris, all that could be seen were the pair of EVA 04's legs sticking out from beneath the nose of the ship. From somewhere squished beneath the undercarriage, Israfel snaked one of its stick-limbs out and waved a white flag of surrender.
Misato slowly turned to Ritsuko. "Did we just win, or what?"
"I'm guessing it was a most unexpected victory," Ritsuko answered calmly. "I guess we didn't have to blow all those quarters on the DDR gaming after all."
She took a sip of coffee from her mug. "Ne, what do you think Gendo's reaction will be once he learns how exactly we defeated the Seventh Angel?"
With a beleaguered sigh, Misato turned to her blonde friend. "As far as anyone is concerned, a co-ordinated teaming of Asuka and Shinji is what destroyed the Angel. The reports will not include any mention of the 6th Child's involvement, or that spaceship."
"I'll go fetch the white-out," Ritsuko agreed, heading out from the tent.
[Meanwhile, inside the entry plug....]
SD Pesti #5: [frantically looking around] "Did we do it? Did we get the Angel?"
SD Pesti #3: ^-^ "I got Mitsuki Sanada's panties...while she was in another parallel dimension too!"
SD Pesti #5: [sigh!] "I'll take whatever victory we can get at this point. Way to go, San-chan!"
Today's attempt to look normal...........really really failed!!
[Cue the eyecatch!]
Havoc, for helping conjure up the basic premise of this chapter.
Pesti-chan, for showing he knows what's good for him by not complaining about me embarrassing & smiting his avatars.
Don's Vibrating Sheep of Death (Mk. 4), and other such hilarious Anime-themed gags, can be found at the online comic strip Megatokyo. www.megatokyo.com
And now, a word from our author....
His lordship Chaos here.
I don't know what it is with newbies today. You all know who I'm talking about: those prepubescent boys & girls who think they're on the same level as we uber-otaku after seeing only the dubbed Dragonbarf Z or Digimon. Of course, you mention such Anime lingo as "shoujo", "fanservice" or "zakkenayo" and they don't have a clue what you're talking about. They proselytize any hapless victim to come within a 4 foot listening radius, citing the virtues of Anime.
While I agree with many of those virtues, we're here to talk about newbies themselves. Why is it that they act like they're such an oppressed and misunderstood minority? Fact of the matter is, newbie otaku have never had it easier.
Why, when I was their age, we didn't have this fancy schmancy thing called a DVD, with all its whachamacallit omake features. Why, we would have been bloody lucky to have DiVX, let me tell you!
No, if we were millionaires we might have been able to afford an old-fashioned videotape. Other times someone would have just photocopied the Anime frame by frame on a roll of toilet paper. We'd have to unravel the entire roll as fast as we could just to see Magical Sally sing a single verse!
When I was a newbie, if I wanted to see the latest imported show from Japan, I would have to walk 100 kilometers (one way) in the frigid Canadian snow just to find the only underground fansub distributor on the continent. Plus I was naked, because I had to sell all my clothes just to pay for a single, crappy plastic Zaku garage kit which I had to build out of matchsticks and flammable glue.
Then I would have to sell one of my kidneys to the fansubber just so I could be one of the privileged few to see some 16th generation Hecto fansub, with its distorted picture and illegible fonts--which didn't matter, since the grammar was so bad it might as well have read: all your Zentradi are belong to us.
We were damn well lucky to be able to figure out that Zalgardis wasn’t really a cyborg, since the fansub wasn't actually a copy of the original Japanese show--it was some Hong Kong dubjob, complete with Chinese dialogue and immense kanji subtitles that took up half the screen.
Of course...the Anime in question would be something that we never even wanted to see or ever could like. Everything was directed by Masami Obari!
Ha! don't make me laugh.
We didn't have conventions back then. Otaku only met in large groups when they were herded together after being captured. We'd get sold as slaves, having to endure abuse and endless taunts from Trekkies who thought they were better than us. All of us imprisoned otaku would have just enough time to write down for each other a fanfic idea and the names of our next of kin, then we would have to eat the paper before the Klingon wanna-be guards hauled us away.
Cosplaying? What about Cosplaying?
Back then you had only 3 Anime shows to work with for costumes. As a result, everyone dressed like either Ultraman, Lupin or the Comet Empire. Though I've never seen so many Comet Empires with such wonderfully supple, feminine legs.
So the next time you newbies think you're suffering, think back to when we otaku old-timers had to fend for our fansubs by wrestling wild cabbits for the spectators. You newbies should be grateful at what we had to endure just so Anime could rise to cult status here in North America.
But that's just me ranting.
Now if anyone needs me, the Ogenki Clinic nurse is going to let my dentures soak in the LCL fluid while I get wheeled out for my sponge bath.