Aah! My ass itches because I'm a fangirl!
[Cue His lordship Chaos, sitting at a 'Kawaii Caf‚, Ne?' outdoor patio table with Hysteria!]
His lordship Chaos: ^^v "I, His lordship Chaos, do hereby permit this part to have absolutely nothing to do with the Pestific."
Hysteria: [jabbing her spoon into a large yellow ball!] "Hey, Hysteria's kawaii little grapefruit-chan isn't working."
Gema: "I am not a melon, gema!!"
[Two days later....]
Out in a rowboat, under cover of darkness, Desolation stealthily made his way to whatever distant shore there might be beyond the blackened horizon. Kasumi Tendo was waiting for him; it had already been three weeks since he'd disappeared after trying to find the in-house bathroom, and she was bound to have noticed his absence. The last thing Desolation wanted to do was make her worry.
There was one problem, however....
"Stupid Angel," Desolation growled as he worked the oars. "Why is it that every time I'm about to be reunited with Kasumi, he shows up?"
"Plot contrivance?" the Fairy Godbabbit suggested.
Desolation rolled his eyes. "Other than the obvious. But what did I ever do to him? It's like whenever he gets the chance, Gaghiel goes out of his way to track me down and eat me yet again!"
"Maybe he likes how a 'Wu' tastes," the Fairy Godbabbit said. "I just wonder how far along Gaghiel's gallstone is. You got that Physalis Gundam lodged in his kidneys pretty good."
"He deserved it," Desolation stated. "And where the hell am I now?!"
As he continued to row the night away, he began to sing himself the slightly-altered lyrics of song to while away the time.
Desolation: "Show me the fic to go home.
I'm tired and I wanna go to bed!
Got hit with a Buster Beam just an hour ago
And it went straight through my head!"
But unbeknownst to Desolation, in behind the rowboat something surfaced from beneath the water. A large, white dorsal fin rose up, heading towards the rowboat.
Desolation glanced over at his Fairy Godbabbit. "Why are you suddenly playing the bass cello?"
"No reason," the Fairy Godbabbit said, an innocent smile on its face.
"Isn't that the theme to Jaws?" Desolation asked.
The Fairy Godbabbit looked at the tiny bowstring held in its wing. "Maybe."
Naturally Desolation was suspicious. He glanced out behind the rowboat, only to see Gaghiel's dorsal fin heading straight towards them at an incredible speed.
"Will you cut that out!?" Desolation snapped, yanking he bowstring away from the Fairy Godbabbit. "I thought that as my guardian angel, you were supposed to be looking out for me."
"But this builds up tension and suspense," the Fairy Godbabbit said. "We can't have the readers falling asleep right now when the scene starts to get exciting!"
Desolation scowled as he appraised the dorsal fin. Now even more of Gaghiel was starting to break above the waterline. The immense, fanged grin of the Angel towered over Desolation's tiny rowboat. But instead of frantically rowing away in terror, Desolation just flashed an evil smile. Reaching into his trusty pan- dimensional backpak, he pulled out a toaster.
"What's with all the extension cords plugged together?" the Fairy Godbabbit inquired.
"How else can I power this thing?" Desolation replied, sitting down in the middle of the boat. "The cords are all connected to a 220 line on the shore."
The Fairy Godbabbit cocked one of its eyebrows at Desolation.
"I like crispy bagels in the morning," the lost fanboy said. He turned his attention to the immense while Angel barrelling towards him. At this rate, it would be mere seconds before he was swallowed whole by Gaghiel yet again.
Desolation: >) "Gatchabagoose!"
With that, he popped down a slice of bread into the toaster.
And for some inexplicable reason, the rowboat suddenly sank into the water, the toaster frying everyone in the process.
Fairy Godbabbit: "Now boys and girls, remember that while we not recommend you fry your fish through electrocution, you should thoroughly cook any fish inside and out to prevent a nasty case of food poisoning."
Back in the fanboys' apartment, the gang looked up from their poker game as the ceiling lights abruptly began to flicker. "Now what could be causing that?" Chaos asked.
"Knowing this place, could be anything," Demolition said. He resumed dealing the five fanboys their cards. "Maybe Carnage oni-san is still trying to repair his mechs after Mihoshi downgraded them all to matchsticks."
Dark Mayhem checked out his cards, then set two face- down on the table. "Two cards, thanks. Incidentally, Havoc, we got a call today from the 'Anime Virgins & Proud Of It' club. It seems their female members are steadily disappearing one by one."
"Think about this," Havoc replied. He threw back only one card. "Only one nubile young lady at a time? Does that honestly sound like my work?"
Pesti-chan sighed, putting down four cards and keeping only one in his hand. "No, guess not. You tend to perv en masse."
"I just don't know where he gets all his ideas from," Chaos sighed. "He's like a black hole of fanservice."
As if on cue, Havoc immediately piped up, "Ne, what do you guys think of this new idea I have for the perverted art of interior decoration? I call it: Feng Schwing!"
Demolition thumped his head against the table. "Hit Points...decreasing!!"
"You should never reject epervanies, like the idea for that Creamy Lemon Mami fic I had an hour ago," Havoc stated. "It's that sort of mindset which separates the me from the ordinary sukebe."
"Whatever," Demolition muttered. He glanced over at Chaos. "You done inspecting your cards yet? How many new ones do you want?"
"In a sec," Chaos said. His eyes suddenly widened upon seeing that he had both the Queen of Hearts and Diamonds. With a loud shriek he flung the cards onto the table and raced right into the nearest potted philodendron.
"What was that about?" Pesti-chan asked.
Dark Mayhem pointed down at the card faces. "Red queens. I think that's the only thing Chaos actually fears in this series."
"Hai hai," Demolition agreed. "He's too dumb and delusional to consider being afraid of anything else. Ne, I wonder what other cards Chaos had in his hand?"
Upon flipping over the remaining three cards, they discovered that Chaos in fact had the other two queens and an ace, giving him a winning hand of 4-of-a- Kind...well, it would have been a winning hand had Chaos been there to play it.
The other fanboys at the poker table looked down at the pithy hands they'd been deal, then flung all their cards down onto the table. "Fold!" they chorused.
Just then, a slightly smoking Desolation dropped onto the balcony. After dusting himself off, he slid open the glass door and invited himself inside.
"Yo," he sighed, giving the others a weary V-sign.
"What happened to you this time?" Pesti-chan asked. He sniffed the air. "And why does it smell like burnt toast?"
The Fairy Godbabbit fluttered around Desolation and went straight for the fridge. "I'm going to be smelling angelic salmon for weeks now."
Dark Mayhem joined the Fairy Godbabbit and retrieved a bottle of cold Hard Lemonade for Desolation. "Ne," Desolation said, looking around the apartment after taking a swig of his Hard Lemonade. "Where'd Chaos go?"
"Oh, Chaos is over there, reasserting his manliness while cuddling that GF plushie," Demolition answered. He glanced back over his shoulder as he heard Chaos let out a startled yelp. "What the? Chaos, that's not a Cactuar plushie, that's an actual cactus!"
"So, how've you been?" Dark Mayhem inquired.
Desolation relayed the story about defeating Gaghiel by using a plugged-in toaster.
"Not a bad tactic," Pesti-chan remarked. "But why'd you sink the boat too?"
Desolation shrugged. "Oh, I didn't sink it. The boat did that all by itself."
"Gaghiel's really become your white whale, hasn't he?" Dark Mayhem said.
"He's not exactly a whale," Desolation replied.
The Fairy Godbabbit nodded. "Though Angel meat does taste like chicken."
Everyone slowly turned to the fairy Godbabbit.
"What?" it huffed. "I'm not a vegetarian, you know."
Abruptly the apartment shuddered violently, sending the fanboys stumbling across the living room. The cards and various Yen currency on the poker table spilled onto the floor, all of which were happily devoured by Rampage.
"Is it an earthquake?" Pesti-chan exclaimed, grabbing hold of the back of a couch. "Is it the apocalypse?!"
"Can't be," Dark Mayhem countered. He steadied himself against the kitchen counter. "Tokyo's only allowed one a week, and the last one was on Monday. The next one's supposed to happen next Thursday."
Suddenly the balcony wall of the apartment was smashed to pieces, debris flying in all directions as the enormous toothy face of Gaghiel pushed its way into the living room.
"Hey, no barging in here unless you have an appointment!" Chaos exclaimed, smacking the corner of Gaghiel's mouth with an umbrella.
Gaghiel let out a gurgle of a roar, pushing even further into the apartment. It began grinding its teeth, searching for its intended target.
As the apartment shuddered under the Angel's force and weight, the pantry door to Carnage's room opened up. With an annoyed look on his face, Carnage poked his head out to see what the commotion was about. One look at Gaghiel and he said, "I thought we ordered okonomiyaki for take-out tonight, not sashimi."
"So you still won't take a hint, will you?" Desolation sighed. He shook his head and reached into his backpak. "Okay, I didn't want to resort to this. I mean I *really* didn't want to resort to this, but you've left me no choice, Gaghiel. Prepare for my...GUNDAMBARU!!"
[Cue the enormous banana-thingy shaped mobile suit!]
Desolation: [climbing into the pilot's chair] "It's fileting time, you oversized halibut!"
Gundambaru mecha: "Ganbaru."
Desolation: --;; "And that's why I didn't want to resort to this mech."
Fairy Godbabbit: "Aw, but it's got cupholders and an 8- track! How many other mobile suits do you know have these sorts of accessories?"
Desolation: "I didn't buy this because of the fuzzy dice on the ceiling. It's supposed to be a war machine!"
Fairy Godbabbit: "Just remember to do up your seatbelt before you do battle."
Gaghiel roared, pulling its head out from the apartment. Now the sight of an oversized fish-out-of- water flailing around in the middle of an intersection might have looked peculiar in any other fic. But let's face it: the citizens (and denizens) of Tokyo had gotten rather used to this sort of oddity so they didn't really pay much attention.
On the other hand, the scent of fresh fish was sending all the nekojin in the city into a frenzy.
The Gundambaru mecha took a flying leap out from the apartment, hovering in the air over Gaghiel's head. The two opposing forces prepared for battle.
But most unexpectedly, a stranger appeared between them.
Pesti: "M-Masaka! It's...it's...."
Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "Hello Kitty?"
Dark Mayhem: "No, the guy with afro standing next to her."
Carnage & Demolition: "It's Nabeshin!"
Yes indeed, the revered self-inserted director of Excel Saga had made a sudden appearance on the field of battle. Standing calmly between the two titans, he shook his head.
"This sort of battle changes nothing except property value," Nabeshin stated. "You want to prove yourselves, then you must engage in constructive competition. I owe Tet-chan that much; it's what she would have wanted."
Gaghiel and Desolation peered down at Nabeshin.
Gaghiel: *grrr! argh! roar!*
Subtext: 'How doest thou propose a noble duel, oh honorous Sir?'
Nabeshin boldly pointed to the night skies. "We shall fight the old-school Anime way: first guy to die loses!"
Abruptly the Fairy Godbabbit whispered into Nabeshin's ear.
"Oh?" Nabeshin remarked. "So it *is* 'first guy to lose dies' after all? And here I've been doing it wrong for all these years."
He and the Fairy Godbabbit glanced over to Gaghiel, who now had Desolation's thrashing legs sticking out from its mouth.
Nabeshin sighed. "I guess I should make him spit the fanboy out."
Gundambaru mecha: "Ganbaru."
And so the battle began. With Nabeshin judging the events to determine the winner in a best 2-of-3 series, there was no sport that Gaghiel and Desolation didn't wage war in. Like checkers!
[Cue Gaghiel & Desolation squeezed into a booth at the Crown restaurant, a checkerboard on the table!]
Desolation: *jump jump jump!* "Crown me."
Or Jun Ken Pon.
Desolation: ^^v "And I win again!"
Gaghiel: --;; "......"
Desolation: "What? It's not my fault you have no arms."
Or freestyle swimming in the local pool!
Desolation: o.O;; "KYAAAAAAA!!"
Nabeshin: "Eating other contestants is against the rules!"
[Nabeshin deploys his army of chibi-Nabeshins from his afro to kick Gaghiel's white whale-like ass!]
chibi-Nabeshins: "Afro! Afro! Afro! Afro! Afro!"
Gundambaru mecha: "Ganbaru."
But in the end, the two combatants were evenly matched, no matter how fiercely they fought. Desolation won in drag racing. Gaghiel won in Dance Dance Revolution. They tied in pinning the tail on Legato Bluesummers. They tied in the anything-goes martial-arts gymnastics-fu, where the use of Chaos as a shield against Gaghiel was considered valid!
Finally, Nabeshin declared a sudden death.
After Hyatt was taken away by the ambulance, he stated that the outcome of the battle would be decided by one last gaming match. This time around, two outside opponents were required to even the playing field.
Ebi-chu the house-keeping hamster and Gourry were brought in to help Desolation and Gaghiel play Sudden Death Mahjongg. But most unexpectedly the winner was....
Ebi-chu: ^-^ "Wai! Ebi-chu wins again with a tsumo (self- draw win), dechu! And I only just started learning about the game last night, dechu. I guess this means Ebi-chu gets Kasumi, dechu."
Desolation: [grrrrr!] "Gaghiel, you hold her down. I'll attract the falling Gundam colony."
Ebi-chu: o.O;; "Ebi-chu's about to get the bejeezus beaten out of her again, dechu! Kyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, dechu!"
But just as Ebi-chu was rendered a large red smear on the floor, Gaghiel turned on Desolation and tried to eat him. Nabeshin would have called a foul...had the ramen waitress not tracked him down again.
"Hey, Deso, good news!" Chaos announced, unwittingly walking into the melee. "The author just transferred your 'Wu' ownership to Kasumi. Since nothing bad ever happens to her, that means despite getting repeatedly mauled and dismembered, you'll live forever!"
Deso-head: --;; [rolling across the floor] "Gee, thanks."
Gundambaru mecha: "Ganbaru."
Yet in the end, the two lovers were reunited.
Later that day, Desolation & Kasumi were running side by side at the beach. They laughed as the wind blew at their hair, enjoying the chance to be together again. But then Kasumi abruptly stopped to look at a scuttling hermit crab. Desolation, still running, looked back to see where she had gone to.
He wound up running right into Gaghiel's open mouth.
Fairy Godbabbit: [reclining on a beach chair] "This is why you should always look where you're going."
Nabeshin: [singing] "I've got an afro...Afro's are so cool...Men are jealous when they see me...."
Desolation: --;; "Why does this always happen to me?"
Fairy Godbabbit: "But it could have been worse."
Desolation: "How so?"
Fairy Godbabbit: [with popcorn!] "The author had originally planned an alternate love interest for you, but then decided on going with Kasumi in the end."
[Cue the Grand Finale - Take 2!]
Desolation & Mihoshi ran towards each other on the beach, romantic music playing in the background. But then suddenly Mihoshi lost control of her control cube. It bounced across the ground, and let out a flash of light.
Mihoshi scratched her head. "Oooh, I wonder what it activated?"
Seconds later her Galaxy Police spaceship crashed onto Desolation.
And then Gaghiel waded onto the beach and ate the ship.
Fairy Godbabbit: "See?"
Gundambaru mecha: "Ganbaru."
Desolation: "Isn't there an 'off' switch for that thing?"