Despite it being so very early in the morning, Planet Hentai had yet to slow down. The juggernaut of jiggle was still packed with perverted patrons, the line-up of eager avatars and Anime characters waiting to get in stretched out as far as two blocks. However, despite the glories of the Gainax bounce being touted inside, not all was as it should have been.
In a moment of brilliant stupidity, NinNin had decided to start up a union for the Planet's Delmo girl & Variable Geo waitressing workforce. Calling it a Creamster's Union, NinNin set himself up as president, with Ataru as his second-in-command. Of course, establishing the union was the easy part. Getting the ladies to sign on was proving harder than expected.
"If they don't give me--er, us more fanservice, we'll strike!" NinNin proclaimed from atop his podium...which was the only way anyone would actually be able to see him. Not that the passers-by were even paying attention to his ranting in the first place.
Mireille: --;; [at a private table] "Kirika, could you shoot him for me? That twerp's giving me a headache and I can't enjoy my glass of Merlot."
Kirika: "Would this be an official Noir contract?"
Chloe: "No...but you'd certainly be doing the world a favour by offing him."
Undeterred, NinNin continued his tirade. "We'll wear bulky turtlenecks and sweatpants, and become celibate unless they give into our demands! And if we become like ren'ai game girls who only want to cuddle, it's just a matter of time before every last pervert in the joint caves into our dominatrix-filled demands!"
"Is he ever going to shut up?" one of the Black Delmo's over by the bar sighed.
"Maybe we could talk to White Commander Valerie," another Black Delmo girl offered. "I'm sure she can talk with the Benkyo Brigade and get permission to punt that purple twerp through the ceiling."
Atop the podium, NinNin was noticing the waves of dissension spreading across the very ladies he was trying to exploit--er, fight for the ecchi rights thereof. "They're not going for our union," NinNin muttered to Ataru. "We'll need a new tactic."
Ataru nodded. "Gotcha. Whipping boy, get over here!"
"Hang on!" Charon called out from across the club. He paused from mopping up some naughty tentacle ichor that had been seeping out from the Hentorium, turning his eyes instead to a more pleasant view. Namely of the gushing ladies crowding around him.
"You're serious?" he asked, scratching his head. "You want me to sign your copies of the Havocfic 'Two-Way Heart'?"
"You did help co-author it, ne?" one of the Howmei girls said.
"Um...I wrote six of the twelve yuri lemon scenes, if that's what you're wondering," Charon demurred. "Havoc was still the mastermind behind it all."
Kizna enthusiastically nodded, her neko ears twitching in synch with her nods. "You shouldn't let your demotion stop you from writing. That last lemon had me so turned on, my afterglow made it look like I had left my bedroom lights on!"
"Hai hai," the bioroid D added. "You should consider trying to go solo into lemonfics. I'm sure you'd have quite the following--though nothing that could rival the Hentenno."
At that all the ladies sighed wistfully.
"Who could compete with Havoc?" Charon agreed. "The man is the pinnacle of perve--"
He was unceremonious yanked away by the ear from the ladies. NinNin marched Charon over the podium, absolutely livid. "Who gave you permission to fraternise with fanservice?" NinNin snapped.
"They approached me," Charon staunchly defended himself. "And after all, is it not a part of the Planet Hentai charter to always lavish lemon-filled attention on a lady?"
NinNin's eyebrow twitched.
There was no rebuttal to something as foundational as that.
"Go finish your mopping!" NinNin muttered, pointing back at the Hentorium. "And when you're done that, Ataru will show you the Victorian Cross that needs waxing. What the--Ataru, you moron! What are you doing with your face in Morrigan's breasts! Quick hogging all the cleavage!"
Shaking his head, Charon walked over to his mop and bucket, and resumed his menial duties.
NinNin continued to carefully watch his underling from the Benkyo Brigade's private booth--much to the annoyance of the Benkyo Brigade. "I refuse to believe it," NinNin pouted. "How is it that even after being demoted to a position lower than me, Charon still garners more acclaim and respect than I?!"
Megumi Amano rolled her eyes. "I can't imagine why."
"I demand satisfaction!" NinNin exclaimed, leaping onto the table. "I cannot allow a subordinate to try and usurp my position." He pointed straight at Charon. "Charon, to properly demonstrate to all the Planet Hentai patrons out there that *I* am the superior perv, I challenge you to a Thunderbone battle!"
For once, an outburst made by NinNin actually got the attention of the entire club. From where he was up in the D.J.'s booth, spinning discs with Daft Punk, Havoc-kun stopped the music and leaned out the window.
"Clear the dance floor!" he proclaimed. "Ready the tentacles! Get me my Delmo epaulets! The challenge has been made for Thunderbone! There will be blood and fanservice tonight!"
A rousing cheer was lifted up to the rafters of Planet Hentai as the crowds formed a ring around the now-empty dance floor. The various television sets around the club switched to broadcast the events to all corners of the Planet. Abruptly, the dance floor began to sink into the ground, opening into two halves which retracted into an area beneath the club.
Large puffs of smoke and steam wafted out from the gaping hole left. And then out from the darkness arose a small bra-shaped platform, raised up on a single hydraulic pole and coming to a stop above everyone's heads. Accompanying the duelling platform arose a perimeter of electrified fencing running around the edges of the retracted dance floor. Perched atop the four corner poles of the fencing stood a chibi-Havoc.
For a moment there was hushed awe as those at the front peered through the fencing. Suddenly out from the shadows arose a furiously writhing mass of naughty tentacles unlike any the crowd had ever seen. The tentacles, pulsating and black in colour, immediately lashed out at the nearest nubile young ladies closest to them. Numerous shrieks were heard as the tentacles shot forth and then struck against the fencing. The glow of a powerful HT Field was made visible as the chibi-Havocs- chans repelled the tentacles.
As NinNin haughtily marched through the spectators to his side of the ring, Charon could only gawk at the "cage match" in bewilderment.
"You have got to be kidding me," he sighed. "Even Red Queen Kasumi knew better than to mess with Thunderbone. What is that idiot thinking?"
"What is it, Charon?" Rion asked, peering over his shoulder. "Are you afraid you won't be able to beat that purple midget?"
Charon shook his head, setting aside his mop and bucket. "We'll see soon enough," he replied and made his way over to the platform.
Both he and NinNin were abruptly teleported onto the duelling platform, each one standing in one of the bra cups.
"Woah, that's a dizzying sight," NinNin muttered as he got his first good look at the tentacles below. "I didn't think Havoc would keep something so dangerous in the club!"
He glanced over to the other 'cup', and promptly freaked at seeing Charon nonchalantly strolling around with his hands in his pockets.
"Na ni?! How can you be so calm at a time like this?" NinNin exclaimed. "Those naughty tentacles down there will violate every possible orifice in our bodies and rip us to shreds if we make one false move!"
Charon shrugged. "When I was the Ecchi-chan, Havoc made me train in Thunderbone for three hours a day." He glanced over the side. "Oooh, they're really mad today too. And it looks like the stumpy one down there still hasn't finished digesting that oversexed demon, Hakumoki, yet."
Abruptly a stage began to descend from above, displaying Havoc-kun seated upon his throne and looking down at the crowds. Behind him stood the ever regal Lohengrope. "For centuries," Havoc-kun's voice boomed across the club. "There has been a tradition: when two individuals of the highest hentai calibre cannot resolve their differences any other way, they call upon the challenge of the Thunderbone. This is designed to test the skills of each ecchi combatant and reveal who is the greater pervert.
"The rules of Thunderbone are simple: two pervs enter, one perv leaves. The winner is declared after knocking their opponent off the platform and into the skanky, tentacle-filled abyss."
Havoc turned to Charon and NinNin, specifically addressing them.
"You can see the various weapons being lowered from above: you may use any of them at your disposal, so long as you can bounce high enough to snag them from their lines. In addition, you shall be fighting each other blind-folded. A true Dojilord does not merely use their eyes to perv, but all of their senses.
"Any ecchi idiot can home in on a cute nubile Anime babe with their eyes...but to identify her by smell, by grope, by taste and by listening to her bosoms bounce; that separates the masters from the students.
"Once your blindfolds go on and Mido Miko lets out an aroused moan, the duel begins. It will not end unless one of you goes down. Do either of you have anything to say before you begin?"
"I call a quick Time Out!" NinNin immediately piped up, raising his hand.
Havoc rolled his eyes, but allowed the anti-climactic pause in battle. NinNin immediately jumped over to Lohengrope's side. "Quick, Lohengrope-sama, I need your tactical assistance," he said quietly.
"Why are you asking me?" Lohengrope asked.
"Because if I lose, I'm going to look a like an idiot in front of all the other heavy petters out there," NinNin said. "What's an unbeatable technique I can use against Charon?"
Lohengrope thoughtfully stroked his chin. "The best way to achieve a flawless victory is for you to morph right before your fight."
"Morph?" NinNin asked.
Lohengrope nodded. "Like a Power Ranger."
"A Power Ranger," NinNin repeated, mulling it over. "Well, if you say it works then I'm going to try it. Heh, once I pull this off, Havoc will never reinstate Charon as an Ecchi-chan. That spot is guaranteed to become mine!"
With an evil chuckle, NinNin hopped back onto his side of the platform and tied the blindfold over his head. Charon was already blindfolded on his own side, busy performing a few warm-up exercises.
Havoc turned to Mido Miko and gave a nod.
Mido cupped her bosoms and let out a loud moan, signalling the beginning of the fight.
Instantly Charon leapt into the air, snatching a leather dominatrix bullwhip from where it hung. He landed back on the platform with a perfect stance, right in front of NinNin and ready to strike.
Upon hearing Charon land, NinNin immediately began flailing his stubby arms around, making nonsensical gestures and stances. "Switch to Megazord power! Purple Ranger, mega-morph to--"
"Idiot," Charon stated, listening as NinNin soared over the side with a gale of horrified unninja-like shrieks. He removed his blindfold just in time to see NinNin disappear amidst a thrashing fury of tentacles.
Cheering and applause thundered across Planet Hentai as the platform began to retract into the floor, the naughty tentacles sinking back into the sukebe-infested depths they called their nest. Charon bounded off the platform and over the fencing. The second he landed he was surrounded by hordes of young ladies who were both thrilled and aroused from watching him fight. Even the Benkyo Brigade took turns giving him congratulatory slaps across the back.
Megumi: "It appears there's still a bit of useless purple ninja on the floor. Does someone want to scrape him off and deposit him in the garbage?"
Charon: ^^v "I'll take care of that. Sometimes being a lowly janitor has its perk-ups."
From their perch, Havoc-kun glanced over at Lohengrope. "A guaranteed, flawless victory, eh?"
"Did I guarantee it was going to be for NinNin?" Lohengrope replied cooly, already bored and looking for something or someone else to conquer.
With a laugh, Havoc-kun shook his head. "Point. Shimatta, all this fanservice has made me hungry. I think I'll go for some Jello maki."
"Hai, Havoc-tono," Lohengrope said, bowing. "I'll inform the kitchen to have the order sent to your private dining room."
The dance floor restored, everyone wanted get jiggly with it once again. The music started up and the happy go hentai atmosphere returned.
And at one of the tables, a group of six chibified Pesti-chans were looking wide-eyed at the place where the naughty tentacles had been. "So," SD Pesti #4 remarked casually. "Think we'll have to do that if we get hired by Havoc?"
Havoc glanced over his shoulder as one of the Blue Delmo girls escourted the SD Pesti's into his private dining room. "Konban wa, Pesti-chans! I don't see the rest of you in here as often as I see San-chan. What can I--"
Havoc was cut off as SD Pesti #1 threw himself onto Havoc's feet and began crying profusely. Every now and again a coherent word, usually "Mako-chan!", was heard above the sobs.
"I take it this isn't a social booty call," Havoc remarked as he tried to shake SD Pesti #1 off his leg.
"Not exactly," SD Pesti #2 replied, taking a seat at the conference table.
All the other Pesti-chans followed, scrambling to take what they thought where the best seats at the dining table.
"Hey, there's a lot of neat buttons here!" SD Pesti #4 remarked as he hopped into Havoc's chair at the head end. He then pressed a button at random. "I wonder what this blue one does."
Suddenly wrist and leg shackles emerged from the chair SD Pesti #5 was sitting in, pinning the hapless chibi- avatar down. SD Pesti #5 let out a very girlish scream as his chair reclined back and slender naughty tentacles started working their way towards him from across the table.
SD Pesti #5: o.O "TASUKETE!!!"
SD Pesti #4: ^-^; "Um...oops!"
"Will you guys cut that out?" Havoc said, darting over to his chair and hitting another button.
Suddenly SD Pesti #1 was catapulted right through the ceiling by the seat cushion he was sitting on.
"Try again, Game Machine Jo'o-sama," SD Pesti #2 remarked dryly, immediately getting off his chair and standing on the floor where it was much safer.
SD Pesti #4: [looking up at the ceiling] "Just where did Chibichi go?"
Havoc: "I have no idea. I really should have someone see where that ends up."
[Meanwhile, in the Variable Geo 'Full-Contact Waitress' changerooms....]
"What the? Hey, how'd this get into my locker?" the rather ample-chested Yuka Takeuchi remarked, opening her locker door and hauling out a thoroughly dazed & confused SD Pesti #1.
Dita: ^-^ "Ooooh! Another Alien-san! Does this one have a strange tube in his crotch like all the others?"
SD Pesti #1: o.O;;;;;
"So just who does this chibi belong to?" Yuka asked.
All the other waitresses either shrugged or shook their heads. Down at the far end of the benches, Makoto sweatdropped as she suited up for her shift. "Er...I'll take care of him," she spoke up.
She walked over and retrieved SD Pesti #1 from Yuka. However, she had forgotten that in her mid-dressing state, the only thing currently covering her chest was her bra. SD Pesti #1 regained his senses just in time to get a facefull of fanservice.
Needless to say, much nose-geysering ensued.
Dread pilot Meia rolled her eyes. "Ingenues."
Anyhoo, back in Havoc's dining room, the chairs were still running amok. "It's got to be one of these that resets everything," Havoc said, now pushing every button on his armrest panels. "I've said it before and I'll say it again: buttons are evil. Why can't we just have tear-away fabric or velcro?"
Suddenly a loud gong sounded right next to SD Pesti #6. Before the rattled #6 could stammer any sort of swear, the sabre marionettes Lime & Bloodberry dashed into the room, yanked him out of his chair and carried him off.
"No, maybe it's one of the ones on the bottom row," SD Pesti #4 countered, still fighting with Havoc over the button-pushing. He pressed the pink button in the bottom left side.
Suddenly the restraints on SD Pesti #5 retracted and the tentacles retreated. SD Pesti #5 breathed a sigh of relief...right until SD Pesti #4 pushed another button. A tidal wave of Cream Lemon washed across the back half of the room, sweeping SD Pesti #5 out the door in the process.
"How about this one," Havoc said, pressing one more button.
Suddenly SD Pesti #2 was lifted off the ground as the tongue-like Omnilingus chair appeared from a hidden floor panel.
Havoc grinned. "Hey, I've been looking for that for weeks!"
"Glad to be of help," a rather licked-up and unimpressed SD Pesti #2 replied scathingly.
"Aha! It's got to be this button here," SD Pesti #4 stated triumphantly. "It's the only one we haven't tried yet."
He pressed the button...and was unceremoniously smeared with honey & thrown to the lesbians.
"So just what is it you guys are doing here anyways?" Havoc sighed, shaking his head at the mess his dining room had been reduced to.
"Look, fact is that we have got serious cash problems," SD Pesti #2 explained, trying to get his hair back to normal. "If we don't pay the city our share of the F9! damages bill, we're going to be forced to work in the Gundanium mines. We need you to float our portion of the bill, and we'll slowly pay you back in whatever way we can."
Havoc was silent for a few minutes as he considered their proposal.
"I will," he finally agreed. "if you work off your debt for me here at the Planet Hentai. We need a new floorshow while Cauldina takes the next few weeks off from her 'Panties of Illusion' magic act. You guys might just be what the Nurse Nanako ordered."
Once the SD Pesti crew was able to regroup, #2 informed them about their conditions of payment. The others took it rather well. SD Pesti #5 immediately passed out and SD Pesti #4 asked if they had to bring their own Galaxy Frauleins, while #6 zorched #3 for cheering at the prospect. #1 was still unconscious in Makoto's lap. And Makoto was anxiously looking at her watch and noting how close it was until her shift began.
"Pesti Huddle!" SD Pesti #5 called out.
SD Pesti #5: "So what do you guys think?"
SD Pesti #4: "I think my butt still outclasses Mai Shiranui's any day."
SD Pesti #6: --;; "Will you just shut up about that?"
SD Pesti #2: "I vote we go with Havoc. He's the only one with the capital needed to pay off our share of the debt. And we know he pays well too. But it's how we work for the cash that worries me."
SD Pesti #5: o.O;; "Masaka! You don't mean...we'll have to wear stockings and stiletto shoes?!"
SD Pesti #4: "And that's a bad thing, because?"
SD Pesti #2: "Well, it looks like Yon is on board. What about you, Roku?"
SD Pesti #6: [grrrr!] "I don't like this either, but what other choice have we? This part of the fic is getting ridiculously long as it is."
SD Pesti #5: "Ne, I just realised something: we haven't seen San-chan since we stepped foot in this place. Where did the little pervert go?"
[Cue Asahina & her Shouta Complex chasing after SD Pesti #3!]
Asahina: ^-^ [drool!] "I love you! I need you! Let me fondle you!"
SD Pesti #3: ^^v "I love role reversals! Wohooo!"
Other SD Pesti's: --;; "......"
SD Pesti #5: [sigh!] "Obviously we won't have any problems getting San-chan to sign on with this. And so long as I wear a noseplug to stop the bleeding, I should be fine."
SD Pesti #6: [turning to #1] "So what about you, Chibichi? You in?"
SD Pesti #1: @.@ "They...they were C-cups...."
SD Pesti #4: [sweatdrop!] "Just what happened to him?"
SD Pesti #2: "Close encounters of a perv kind. Come on, let's tell Havoc we're on board."
The next evening at the Planet Hentai, the six li'l chibified Pesti-chans showed up for work. Havoc began by taking them on an abbreviated tour of the establishment. They saw the gaming room with its menagerie of Anime creatures running the race track. They scattered from the bar as Anarchy took to the karaoke stage. They had to pry SD Pesti #3 off the hanging cages over the dance floor. They saw the private Nyotaimori rooms. And they all fled from the Hentorium as fast as their little chibi feet could carry them.
"And this," Havoc said, completing the tour by bringing them back around to the front doors. "Is Planet Hentai's newest bouncer: Mary from Project A-ko. Mary, these are the new guys; they'll be working nights for the next few weeks."
The cute high school brunette with a Schwarzenegger- like build grunted as she loomed over the SD Pesti's.
"Why do you have someone as hulking and unsexy as Mary guarding your front doors?" SD Pesti #4 whispered aside to Havoc. "What about the Delmo girls?"
Havoc gave a helpless shrug. "YOU tell her to leave."
SD Pesti #6 let out a haughty bark of laughter--which scared the trio of Nekojin girls performing on the stage. "Ha! Never send a perv to do a Pesti's job."
[Cue SD Pesti #6 confronting Mary from inside a chibi- Wing Gundam!]
SD Pesti #6: "Ha! Take this!"
[Cue Mary ramming her fingers rapid-fire through the hull of the chibi-Gundam!]
SD Psti #6: o.O;; "What the hell?"
Mary: [grunt!] "Disruptor of the perverted peace! You have just met the Fist of the Flatulent Star. Your mecha will explode in a smelly mess in three seconds!"
SD Pesti #6: "What? I can't lose this fight! Mecha pilots are too cool to lose!"
Seconds later, the chibi-Wing exploded in a series of perforations and holes, yellowish gas seeping out and creating a horrific stench that drove every last customer onto the dance floor to escape the horrid smell.
Havoc slowly turned to SD Pesti #2. "You do realise the fumigation bill's coming out of your first paycheck."
"Just subtract it from Roku's," SD Pesti #2 replied. "We're all on a separate billing system when we're multi SD avatars."
Five minutes later, the after-effects of the Fist of the Flatulent Star were cleared up and people could return to their seats. SD Pesti #6's grouchy mood wasn't made any better by the size of the bill he was handed.
"And here are your dressing rooms," Havoc said, leading the group into a smallish locker room. "Since tonight is your first night here, we'll break you in very slowly. All you have to do is transform into your chibi- Zoantropy selves and follow what you're told to do."
"So we're acting like a bunch of trained dogs?" SD Pesti #5 said.
"Actually," Havoc countered. "You guys need to act as ferocious as you can at the beginning. Sort of like trained lions as opposed to dogs. Then you just perform all the tricks your trainer tells you to do."
"I've always wanted to jump through hoops and run obstacle courses!" SD Pesti #4 cheerfully piped up.
"Er, something like that," Havoc agreed.
SD Pesti #2 suspiciously eyed Havoc. "Wait a minute...there's always a catch whenever Planet Hentai is involved. What aren't you telling us, Havoc? Who's our 'trainer' for this?"
Ten minutes later on the performance stage....
"WOH HOH HO HOH HO HO!!!" Tira Misu (leather-clad OVA version) cackled, cracking her whip. "Call me the Queen, you furry little monsters!"
Zoantropied SD Pesti #5: o.O;;; "KYAAAAAAAAA!! JO'O- SAMAAAAAAA!!!"
For the next week, things were pretty much the same for the SD Pesti-chans. During the day, they'd reassemble into a single avatar and feign normalcy as they attended classes at Jyuban High like everyone else. However, at 8pm every evening, the 6 Pesti-chans appeared from their dressing room, got zapped by a random bolt of magic, and were then subjected to the whip treatment.
The pay was certainly good, and they were already halfway to repaying their debt to Havoc. However, by the next Friday night, they were starting to feel the stress from their vocation.
"Ow! Hey, watch it," SD Pesti #6 grumbled in the locker room as he was jostled by a rambunctious #3. "I'll never be able to sit down again thanks to the whipping Tira gave me in yesterday's performance."
SD Pesti #4 shrugged as he tossed his chibi jacket into his locker. "I kinda liked catching those frisbees last night."
"I'm just impressed San-chan managed to survive the treatment she gave him after he decided to hump her leg instead of follow her commands," SD Pesti #2 added.
SD Pesti #1 sweatdropped upon hearing that.
The six SD avatars turned their heads as Havoc-kun stepped into the locker room, closing the door behind himself. Loud cheers and catcalls could be heard from the club; the crowds were certainly a rowdy bunch tonight.
"You guys ready for another performance?" Havoc asked.
"Please tell me we don't have to do the trained Zoantropy beast act again," SD Pesti #5 groaned.
Havoc shook his head and then tossed a bunch of black thongs onto the bench. "Nope. You get a reprieve tonight. Here's your new costumes."
"What's with the Speedo Racer thongs?" SD Pesti #4 remarked, seeing how far he could stretch his. The test came to an abrupt end when the thong snapped like a rubber band and clocked SD Pesti #5 in the face, knocking the chibified avatar out cold.
SD Pesti #4: ^^;; "Um...when he regains consciousness, tell him Chibichi did it."
"You guys are gaining quite the following with the ladies," Havoc explained. "Our overall revenues have been up ten percent since you guys arrived and started up with your act. Minni May figured this would be a good way to capitalise on your popularity and drive our earnings up even more."
"By doing what exactly?" SD Pesti #6 inquired, his eyes narrowing as he noted the '#6' stitched onto the backside of his thong.
Havoc chuckled. "Congratulations! You're about to become the newest J-Pop sensation: the stripteasing boyband 'Kid Roku'!"
What followed was a moment of lapsed, stunned silence on the part of the SD Pesti-chans, the kana for 'WTF?!' falling from above and clobbering SD Pesti #5 just as he was regaining consciousness.
SD Pesti #4: ^-^ "That's a clever pun for the band name, don't you think?"
SD Pesti #6: [eyebrow twitch!] "Yon, shut up."
"Now wait a minute," SD Pesti #5 said as he crawled out from beneath the fallen kana. "Nobody said anything to me about the Full Pesti when we signed on for this job."
"Oh, the giving of fanservice is in every employee contract, male and female alike," Havoc replied with a smirk. "We just heavily favour the female fanservice here. But you signed your contracts, so you six get to be Kid Roku...unless you think you can go somewhere else to pay off your debt."
SD Pesti #4: [raising his hand] "Idea! What if I smear myself with paste and fling myself against a Dread mecha as a form of contemporary art? We could be famous, live hood ornaments who get bought for millions of dollars!"
[Insert the awkward pause moment here....]
SD Pesti #6: "I'm going to go with Havoc and the Kid Roku idea."
SD Pesti #2: [nod nod!] "Yeah, me too."
SD Pesti #3: "Definitely."
SD Pesti #5: "At least the idea of a boyband doesn't sound so silly."
SD Pesti #1: "Does Mako-chan get backstage passes to all our concerts?"
"Havoc," SD Pesti #5 inquired as the group suited up in their thongs. "Far be it from me to question your creative genius, but if we're performing as a boyband tonight...don't we need something to sing? And what about dance choreography, rehearsals and practices?"
Havoc's Chichiri grin broadened into a shark-like smile. "Oh, I've already taken care of that. For tonight, you don't have to worry about any singing or dance...so to speak."
All the SD Pesti-chans sweatdropped as Havoc broke out into maniacal cackling and left the locker room.
"He's not instilling me with any confidence," SD Pesti #5 said finally.
"Scary to think that he's probably our agent by wording of the contract," SD Pesti # 2 said. "So are we just going onto the stage in the thongs, or what?"
As if on cue, a Pink-uniformed Delmo girl burst through the door with a garment rack, running right over SD Pesti #1 before coming to a stop. "Wardrobe!" she called out. "Your Kid Roku uniforms are ready!"
The six SD Pesti-chans appraised their rather curious- looking clothing ensembles. This was just another case of proving that while the fashion boy is cool, he certainly had no idea what he'd stuck his beak--er, nose into.
"Um...these are all child-sized Delmo uniforms," SD Pesti #2 said, thumbing over at their wardrobe. "These are meant for girls, not chibi-avatars like us."
The Pink Delmo girl went flushed. "Really? But...but this was what I was instructed to bring down to your changeroom. There's one of each colour for you: pink, blue, white, black, gold, and Nena's dress uniform to round it out."
"Hey, these fit pretty good!" SD Pesti #4 blurted out, spinning around in a chibi version of a Blue Delmo uniform. "Am I cute or what?"
"Uso," the other SD Pesti's chorused as they gawked at him.
Undaunted, SD Pesti #4 paraded around a little more in his uniform. Feeling so comfortable in the tight blouse and revealing skirt, #4 began to flail his arms about in what might have been called a half-assed attempt at dancing. Abruptly Michikusa, also happily dressed in a Blue Delmo uniform, poked his head onto the scene. He immediately stepped in beside SD Pesti #4 and joined him in dancing. Seconds later Michikusa's pink Kappa doll bounced onto the scene and joined in the dancing too.
And it was about then that a very irate SD Pesti #6 swiftly kicked all of three through the ceiling. "Whaddaya think you're doing, you cross-dressing morons?!" #6 snapped angrily. "You will never get me in a uniform like that. Ever!"
"So you're going to go with Yon's idea as being living hood ornaments then?" SD Pesti #2 inquired.
SD Pesti #6 scowled, realising there was no other choice. "If I'm doing this, I'm wearing the Gold Delmo outfit. At least those ladies know how to kick ass."
Pink Delmo soldier: ^-^ "Aw, you'll look so adorable in that gold uniform. I'll be in the front row cheering for you to throw your skirt at me. Ne?"
SD Pesti #6: [blush!] "Ano...."
In the end, the show had to go on even if the clothes were coming off. The SD Pesti-chans all clamoured for their uniform of choice, and in five minutes they were ready for their first stage performance with their black, numbered thongs were being worn underneath the dresses.
SD Pesti #2 managed to procure the White Delmo uniform, while #1 got stuffed into a Black Delmo one. #6 stayed with his Gold Delmo uniform, and #4 maintained that the Blue Delmo uniform matched perfectly with his earrings. No one disagreed with #3 taking Nena's uniform, which consisted solely of negligee beneath a long, white overcoat. That left SD Pesti #5 utterly aghast and embarrassed at having to wear the maid-like Pink Delmo uniform.
"I can't believe the fic has come to this," SD Pesti #5 groaned. "Look at me: I'm so pink and...and frilly! My manliness is gone!"
"Since when did you ever have manliness, Go?" SD Pesti #2 replied.
SD Pesti #6 just sulked in his Gold Delmo uniform, his arms crossed over his chest as he refused to say anything.
"Ne, my brassier is drooping forward," SD Pesti #3 spoke up. "I have no bosoms to fill it with!"
SD Pesti #4 shrugged. "My dress fits perfectly, but this thong is riding up my rear."
"If this makes my Mako-chan happy, then I can endure any humiliation," SD Pesti #1 sighed.
The Pink Delmo girl accompanying them giggled as she surveyed the cross-dressing chibi's, and then quickly snapped herself a picture to show the girls later.
A few minutes later, Video Girl Ai poked her head into the locker room. "The stage is ready for them. They'll be on in five minutes."
The SD Pesti-chans were escourted to the backstage area, and were presented with the enormous props that were going to be used for their performance. Naturally, they were a little surprised and very leery of what awaited them.
"Thrust Thrust Revolution consoles?" SD Pesti #5 said.
The stage manager, Mii-chan (the flower spirit with really huge...tracts of land), nodded her head. "Hai! You boys won't have to do any singing; the music will be playing in the background, so all you need to do is follow the directions given by the machines."
Mii-chan walked/jiggled up to the Delmo-clad Pesti- chans and handed them each a headset as she continued to brief them.
"These headsets will allow you to hear the directions being shouted and moaned by the consoles. That way we can have the video screens behind you instead of blocking you from the audience. I've heard you had prior DDR training, so this shouldn't be completely foreign to you.
"You've got the directional footpad, but there will also be specific thrusting, gyrating and stripping commands that must be followed. Believe me, the better you guys perform, the more excited your audience will get."
"That's good and all," SD Pesti #6 said, his eyebrow twitching profusely. "But could you remove your hand from my butt while you're talking?"
Mii-chan blushed. "Gomen! You're so adorable yet sexy, I couldn't help myself."
SD Pesti's 2&3 immediately thwapped #6 upside the head.
"What?!" SD Pesti #6 exclaimed.
"We wouldn't have complained if her hands were on our butts!" the two chorused.
On the other side of the stage curtain, the audience was getting restless. Having been promised a rather unforgettable event by the Hentenno, everyone could only talk in excited whispers about what they thought the show be featuring.
The Variable Geo waitresses on duty were roller- skating from table to table, sharing what juicy tidbits of backstage information they had been able to glean from glances at the sets and the performers. Some rumours were that Havoc was staging a musical, The Ren'ai Horror Show, using the Agent AIKa cast as the primary characters. Other rumours spoke of Caldina's ambitious return as the house illusionist.
Suddenly the lights in the club faded to black, plunging the entire Planet Hentai into darkness. As the excitement grew to a fevered pitch, a spotlight came blaring to life, the intense white glow focusing on the front of the stage.
And there stood Havoc-kun, dressed in his best luxury suit with the Royal Thong adorning his head. Everyone cheered, and he motioned for silence as the noise at last died down.
"For the past few nights now," he addressed (and where some ladies were concerned, undressed) the crowd. "I have been promising you a stage extravaganza that will be destined to sweep across the city like a chibi-Havoc Cream Lemon tidal wave. The wait is now over!"
More cheering abounded.
Havoc again motioned for silence. "Presenting what is certain to be the hottest new sensation to hit the J-Pop charts since the H Club 7's best-selling CD! I give you...KID ROKU!!!"
Thunderous applause shook the club from ceiling to foundation. Even in the vast labyrinth of subterranean tunnels beneath the Planet, Ruruboss wondered why the earth was shaking so much. Havoc bounded off the stage, landing in his usual spot in the Benkyo Brigade booth.
The curtains of the stage parted, and a dazzling light & effects show began. Dry ice and steam machines vented plumes of grey mist into the air. Laser lights of red, blue, violet and Dragon Pink flashed up to the ceiling. The floor, made entirely of transparent glass tiles, began to glow. The lights beneath revealed the six enormous Thrust Thrust Revolution consoles, and the six SD Pesti-chans standing on the dance pads in their Delmo uniforms.
The upbeat genki genki music started up, infectious rhythm booming across the club as even more lights flashed across the stage. With determined and totally chagrined looks on their faces, the SD Pesti-chans immediately took to moving in time with the music. They thrusted their pelvises, performed Asaba Sexy Dance renditions, let their rears bump & grind, and gave sultry winks to the crowd.
Those ladies watching from the dance floor cheered and swooned, and practically turned it into a mosh pit as they fought for prime positions to catch the discarded clothes once the striptease began.
Kintaro: "I don't believe it. You were right, Havoc; they really are being mistaken for girls!"
Havoc: ^^v "Natch."
Lohengrope: "Almost anyone who's in a chibi or SD form looks feminine, even impossibly cute bishounen. This will drive the ladies wild with yuri fantasies...and they'll go even wilder when they discover the singers are cute boys."
Jyako Amano: "You sure?"
Havoc: [nod nod!] "They look like plushie dolls out there. What Anime girl wouldn't want to play with them? In the right hands, the art of kawaii can be an effective weapon."
Megumi Amano: "So what does that make Hysteria?"
Havoc: --;; "Overkill-chan."
Over their headsets, the instruction was given for the Pesti's to tear open their blouses. In perfect synch, the SD Pesti-chans grabbed the collars and tore the blouses in two down the middle. As it turned out, this was easier than expected given how all the fabric in Havoc's inventory was specially made to be tear-away.
The ladies in the club cheered at their first glimpse of fanservice. Then a loud, stunned silence seized the crowd when they realized that the 'girls' on stage were not merely flat-chested like Lina Inverse.
"Sugoi!" Momiji shouted over the music, suddenly leaping onto the top of her table. "They're chibi-bishies! And they're giving us fanservice!"
The SD Pesti-chans were barely able to concentrate on performing their footwork and slip out of their blouse sleeves as the catcalls & cheers doubled. The six twirled their blouses over their heads before releasing them into the crowd. Fights ensued as women (and a few men) fought to lay claim to the tops. The Black Delmo's handling the front stage security were finding it increasingly difficult to hold the masses back.
And then it happened.
Just as the SD Pesti-chans' tore off their skirts and revealed their numerical thongs, SD Pesti #5 tripped on his high-heeled shoes and stumbled right off his dance pad. He careened across the stage, bouncing off the other SD Pesti- chans in the process. The crowd laughed and applauded as, in seeming accord as the opening song came to its rousing finale, five of the Pesti-chans careened and tumbled off the TTR pads.
Fortunately, the Jello Wrestling pit and the scores of cheering, scantily-clad Anime babes broke their fall as SD Pesti-chans 1,2,4,5&6 all toppled right off the stage. SD Pesti #3 stood on the edge of the stage, shaking his head.
SD Pesti #3: [leaping into the Jello!] "Hey, quit Bogarting all the babes, guys!"
Gokudou-kun: "Hm? Someone call me?"
Urd: "Talk about prime seats! Cute bishie boyband members for me!"
SD Pesti #5: o.O;; "Tasukete! I'm drowning in cleavage and Jello!"
SD Pesti #2: ^^v "Yeah. Helluva way to go, ain't it?"
Nuriko: [pounce!] "Wai! I'm getting the thong off that guy in the gold Delmo outfit! He's all mine!"
SD Pesti #6: [ack!] "Security! SECURITY!"
SD Pesti #4: "Don't smear the lipstick, girls! The lipstick!"
Matael: "Is there a limit to how many of these guys we can catch and take home with us?"
SD Pesti #1: [flailing about] "Mako-chan, please let that be your hand on my crotch!"
Alcyone: "He's mine, I tell you! All mine!"
[Cue the whipped cream-covered SD Pesti #3 suddenly leaping onto #6's head, striking a dramatic pose for all of Planet Hentai to see!]
SD Pesti #3: ^-^ "JELLO FIIIIIIIGHT!!!"
At the risk of stating the obvious, all hell busted loose. The surging crowd of Anime babes swarmed the stage, overcoming the Delmo girls as they all charged the Jello pit. Whipped cream, bras and panties went flying in all directions as females from all over the Aniverse flung themselves in, play-wrestling, flinging Cream Lemon and trying to get themselves a piece o' Pesti.
Now completely stripped nekkid and felt up at least a dozen times, a bewildered SD Pesti #6 fought his way towards the dining area, where he at least stood a chance of escaping. However, right in the dead centre of the whipped cream and Jello, he came face to face with SD Pesti #3.
SD Pesti #3: ^-^ "Now this is what I call audience participation. Ne, Roku?"
SD Pesti #6: [nasty eyebrow twitch!] "CHIBI-DRAGU SLAVE!!!!"
SD Pesti #3: ^-^ "Oro?"
Outside, Chaos and Dark Mayhem walked down the street towards Planet Hentai. Over the past week, the Pesti-chans had been lamenting their new vocation, but refusing to tell anyone about what they actually had to do. Finally overcome with curiousity, the two fanboys decided to see what all the fuss was about.
The inherent advantage of being a part of the central cast to the Fanboys! series meant they had Gold Panty membership cards, which allowed them to avoid the loooooooong line-up of hopefuls waiting to get inside.
"So," Chaos remarked as he rang the bosom-shaped front bell. "Think Pesti-chan's managed to pay off his debt?"
"Depends," Dark Mayhem replied. "What do you figure they're doing right now?"
Chaos considered the possibilities. "The only things I can think of involve shaved cabbits and a game of Whack- A-Mole."
Dark Mayhem sweatdropped. "Baka."
Suddenly the front doors of the Planet were blown away by an enormous Cream Lemon tsunami! Chaos and Dark Mayhem never even had a chance for their eyes to bug out before they were washed away by the tidal wave...along with everyone else in the club. A flashflood of fanservice crashed through the entire district, hapless bystanders desperately trying to outrun the flood and find higher ground.
As the frothy white tsunami swept across Tokyo, SD Pesti #4 found himself clinging to a surfboard that was riding the crest. He looked up, only to see #3 happily riding the wave, while on the end of the surfboard SD Pesti #2 was casually reading a manga.
SD Pesti #4: "Ne, you guys see where Go disappeared to?"
SD Pesti #2: [pointing behind the board] "He's waterskiing behind us...though I think primarily because the fin of our surfboard snagged an extension cord on the way out, wrapped around his legs and dragged him behind us."
SD Pesti #5: [flailing about!] "TASUKETEEEEEEEEE!!!"
SD Pesti #4: --;; "I am so jealous."
Well, in the end everything worked out...kind of.
Within another week, the SD Pesti-chans were able to pay off their debt to Havoc--and wound up launching a new, lucrative career as the J-Pop boyband, Kid Roku. Their opening night in Planet Hentai had made the six-pack unrivalled, overnight celebrities.
However, to pay off the damages incurred by the unexpected Cream Lemon tsunami, SD Pesti #6 was required to zoantropy and compete in Planet Hentai's animal races. And to keep him contained as a furry chibi-critter, he was forced to wear a collar of the anti-magic metal, Orihalicon.
SD Pesti #4: [at the grandstands] "Faster, Roku, faster! Genma-panda's gaining on you! No! Faster! Move you chibified ass, Roku! I got thirty thousand Yen on this heat!"
SD Pesti #2: [strolling through the club] "You know, while I'm amused at Roku's misfortune, this does mean that we can't recombine for the next three weeks."
SD Pesti #5: "I'm not sure that would have mattered much. I haven't seen Chibichi since the flood. Who knows when or where he'll finally wash up."
SD Pesti #3: ^-^ "Panties!"
SD Pesti #2: "Yes they are, San-chan! But can you find a pair with little purple polka-dots on them?"
SD Pesti #3: [boing!] "Hai! Purple polka-dots it is!"
SD Pesti #5: --;; "Why must you encourage him?"
[Meanwhile, somewhere in Wired....]
SD Pesti #1: [Bambi-eyed] "Are you my Mako-chan?"
Lain: [sweatdrop!] "Huh?"
Today's attempt to look normal...........FUBAR. Big-time.
[Cue the eyecatch!]
Sean Gaffney, for having such a deranged idea as the Pesti- chans being Oompa Loompas.
Desolation, for conjuring up the Ecchi Sketch.
Havoc, for filling in a few of the blanks that manifested during the writing of this part.
Wench! Visit Little Gamers at: www.little-gamers.com
"Wai!" Pesti-chan exclaimed, proudly racing his way across the apartment a few weeks later. He happily pulled out a large wad of Yen and showed it to the two other fanboys milling about the living room. "Look at this! Money! Glorious money! And all I had to do was degrade myself in order to get it!"
Before they could voice a response, Pesti-chan ran out the door. His elated shouts could be heard down the hallway: "Mako-chan, you don't have to pay for our dates anymore!"
Dark Mayhem shook his head and went back to his newspaper. "Speaking of degrading...."
"Could be worse," Chaos sighed, slouching back on one of the couches. A vast array of papers and take-out restaurant napkins with almost legible scribbles on them were cluttering up the coffee table. Chaos gestured to all the paperwork. "At least he doesn't have worry about the stupid CRTC again."
[Fanboy's Note: up here in Canada, we have a branch of the government known as the Canadian Regulators for Tele-Communications, eh. In short, they bitch about how everything in the media has very little Canadian content and demand that any shows which doesn't meet their standards must comply or be yanked off, eh.]
"Yare yare," Dark Mayhem said, rolling his eyes. He flipped to another page of the Aniverse stock markets. "You'd think those bozo's had learned their lessons after the Kimagure Orange Road to Avonlea series."
Chaos gave a helpless shrug, looking over at the irate letter the CRTC had sent the fanboys. It seemed that since the author was Canadian, and the avatars' real-life incarnations were virtually all Canadian, the fanfic series fell under CRTC jurisdiction...eh? And once again the CRTC had sent a letter to Chaos berating the self-inserted otaku for being so utterly Japanese. In order for the organisation to be appeased, it was decreed that Chaos would have to write more Canadian-based fanfics.
Naturally, no one was impressed, least of all Chaos.
"Stupid CRTCfics," he muttered, jotting another random idea down. "Well, here's my latest idea. Let me know what you think, Mayhem. It's a Marguret Atwood tribute: The Handmaid May's Tale."
Dark Mayhem cringed at the title. "That is just so wrong on so many levels."
Chaos just shrugged. "They're making Havoc write a lemon called 'What's Bred in the Boner.' And rumour has it they foolishly asked Hysteria to write 'I Wanna Be A Stone Angel.'"
At that, Dark Mayhem's eyebrow twitched profusely. "Pray tell, how many of these Canuck-based monstrosities have you unleashed on the natural world, Chaos?"
Chaos quickly sifted through the papers and passed the list over to Dark Mayhem. "These are the ones so far."
-Joshua Then & Now, Here & There
-Of Mice & Menchi
-The Stone Angel Cop
-Cabbits in the Family
-The English-Dubbed Patient
-Who Has Seen The Wind of Amnesia?
-The Dog Who Wouldn't Bebop
"Those are some pretty harrowing titles you've conjured up, Chaos," Dark Mayhem stated, folding the list into a paper airplane, then setting it afire and tossing it off the balcony.
"Oddly enough, I probably could write the last one," Chaos remarked, scratching his head. "Ein and Mutt do bear a lot of similar personality traits as far as canines go."
He sat back, leaving the CRTCfics well alone for a little while. "At any rate, this is slowing me down considerably with writing my other Chaosfics. I can't wait to get back into my newest projects, like 'Initial Deedlit', 'Just Kidding Iczelion' and 'Trigunbuster'."
"Chaos," Dark Mayhem sighed, heading to the liquor cabinet for some much needed drinking. "Those fics are not necessarily an improvement."
Chaos sweatdropped. "What are you getting at?"
"Apparently, I'm getting nowhere. Now if you'll excuse me, I can't take any more of this omake sober."
"Sugoi!" Chaos exclaimed. "What a coincidence, the omake's over!"
Chaos: ^-^ "See?"
Dark Mayhem: "Yes, I noticed. Now get your hands off my Sake bottle."
[Fanboy's Note: thanks to Havoc & the other fanboys for helping brainstorm the list of CRTCfics. And to Tom Servo especially for coming up with "Cabbits in the Family." Now that I think of it...should *any* of us be thanked for these sorts of ideas?]