A long time ago,
in a bad dub far far away....
Somewhere in Tokyo, panties are missing.
And yet...for some strange reason, everyone is neither surprised by this fact, nor are they without any ideas as to who stole them. Now while Inspector Zenigata would naturally blame Lupin & Jigen as the culprits, the truth is certainly out there. And the 'there' in question can only be one place!
No...not the Galactic Leyline.
In fact that's not even close. And besides, you need a library card to access that place. But in such a case Gene Starwind highly recommends Melfina.
Now, those of you who first thought this leave the fic immediately. It's perfectly obvious you haven't been paying attention since, oh, the second fanfic! Leave now. Yes, you...you too...and you! Yes you, the guy who looks like he got his head dunked in Jusenkyo's Spring of Drowned Babbit! Don't think this author hasn't seen you trying to hide.
So, where have all the Cowboy Bebops gone?
No wait...wrong Chaosfic.
*Ahem!* Here we are: what strange and inexplicably perverted force could be at work in Tokyo? The answer is as near as the large neon bra you see in the skyline! After all, when the Hentenno barks, "PERV!" his ecchi-chans are shouting "How many panties, Sir!" while they're in mid grope.
However, today found Havoc heading for somewhere other than Planet Hentai. In fact, the Hentenno and a number of Chibi-Havocs were walking single-file down the streets, SD Pesti-chan #3 brought up the rear with a rather genki march. And they were all cheerfully singing:
Havoc & Chibi-Havocs: ^-^ A benkyo, a benkyo!
Watashi wa ecchi!
"This is so humiliating," SD Pesti #6 groaned, trying to put as much distance between himself at the marching hentai troupe. "I told you not to leave 'My Neighbour Totoro' in the DVD player, but did you listen? Noooo!"
He found himself unceremoniously hoisted up by the back of his collar. SD Pesti #6 just hung there limply, glowering at Dark Mayhem. "Unhand me, Newt-boy."
"Maybe we should just stuff them into a crane arm gaming machine, and let little kids take them home as plushie dolls," Dark Mayhem threatened.
"You think I haven't tried that already?" Chaos said, trying to shake SD Pesti's 4&5 off his legs. "Hey, cut that out? You guys are ruining my nylons here! And give me back my wig, Rampage!"
Came the playful hooting (followed by a loud burp), "CHU CHU!"
Chaos tried not to cry as he stared at the SD Godzilla-thingy that was now sticking its tongue out at him. If it wasn't for the fact that Rampage was currently perched on Anarchy's shoulder, Chaos surely would have unleashed a cow or two.
"Ne, we're short a Pesti-chan," Ami said as she took a quick chibi-headcount. She paused momentarily to adjust her costume.
SD Pesti #2, calmly sitting on Makoto's shoulder, thumbed to her back. "He's clinging to her midriff, purring nicely."
Makoto sighed. "I really don't know what I'm going to do with all," she said.
"At least we're housebroken," SD Pesti #5 spoke up. He was then punted down the street by an irate Chaos.
"Stop ruining all my glitter!" Chaos snapped. "You have any idea how long it took me to put this make-up on?"
That made Makoto sweatdrop. "Duo," she said. "I know that the Rocky Horror Senshi Show theatre experience means a lot to you, but aren't you going overboard?"
Dark Mayhem, arm in arm with the fair (and Gainax bouncy!) Ami-chan, chuckled. "No, this suits his cross-dressing tendencies perfectly."
With the mini-parade of perverts behind them, the fanboys rounded a corner and joined up with a large line-up waiting outside the theatre. Which was, in fact, MST3K's Satellite of Love. Perhaps now is not the time to go into that unpleasant 'Mir Schmir' incident that resulted in the satellite plunging back to Earth and landing on top of Desolation.
Yukino was grinning and practically super-deformed in her Magentia costume, a somewhat uneasy Arima looking down at his Riff Raff costume. "Do we really need to Cosplay for this?" he asked. "It's just a fanfic, after all."
"It's not just a fanfic!" espoused Asaba behind them. "It's the Rocky Horror Senshi Show, a cult classic among fics! Seeing it in the theatre isn't just a movie experience; it's an adventure."
"I thought you were Cosplaying too," Yukino said.
Asaba flashed them a devilish grin, and then tore off his shirt and pants to reveal the golden thong worn by Rocky Haruka! He then launched into his Rocky Asaba Sexy Dance, causing dozens of women in line to swoon.
Indeed, everyone was in a silly, ecchi mood. PeroPero was half-sitting on Asaba's head, his hind end leisurely swaying like a wet noodle. But what got Arima doing a double-take was seeing the dog dressed up like Dr. Frank N. Furter.
"I don't see Carnage or Demolition anywhere," Chaos remarked as they stepped around Rocky Asaba. "They were saving us a place in line too."
"Just look for the sudden flaming explosions," Dark Mayhem said, craning his neck to see over the rambunctious crowd. "Apparently Miyu and Rei are fighting over who gets to be the Janet to his Brad."
Pesti-chan quickly reverted back to his single-version self. "Maybe we should just follow Anarchy," he suggested, pointing to the fangirl flinging other customers aside with her AT Field. "She's getting to the front pretty fast."
Suddenly a large fireball rose up to the sky.
"Ah, Akito must be over there," Ami said, pointing to the cloud of smoke wafting into the air.
And as Havoc and his chibi-Havocs got down to groping and stealing the panties off all the females waiting in line, the others headed towards Carnage. Sure enough, a smouldering Carnage was being yanked from right to left by Miyu and Rei, both of whom were Cosplaying in Jyuban High sailor fukus.
Naturally, Desolation was posing as Rocky, flexing his muscles while in his golden Speedos. While all the other women in the line ignored him, he did get propositioned for a date by Milfiel. This did not impress Demolition, who them summoned a dragon to try and eat the Haz Knight.
"Come on, people, move it along," Pandemonium said at the doors of the theatre, chagrined to be back in her AD Police uniform. To herself she muttered, "I can't believe this is considered an F! File. Why do the fanboys have to attend every freakin' bi-monthly showing of this?"
And then she became acutely aware of a shadow looming over her. She looked up just in time to see Havoc plummeting towards here from hitherto unknown heights, already at terminal velocity and aimed right for her bosoms.
Havoc: >) [Doji from above!] "FLYING HENTAI!!"
Suddenly the quiet excitement from those waiting to get into the theatre was shattered by a loud shriek of "OTOKA-SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!" Seconds later a furious array of naughty tentacles of justice were unleashed and started smacking anyone unlucky enough to be nearby.
"Good to see Pan-chan's getting into the spirit," Dark Mayhem glibly remarked as he watched the Sexaroid Hyperboomer try to shoot Havoc down with her arm cannons.
"I'm just glad Hotaru's not old enough yet to check this out," Chaos stated with a high degree of relief. "Haruka would kill me if she knew Hotaru went to this with me."
Hotaru: ^^v "That's why we'll have to keep it a secret. Ne, Chaos-chan?"
Chaos: ^-^ "Hai! (o.O;) WHAT?!"
Chaos gawked down at Hotaru, who was now happily swinging on his arm. "A-Ano...what are you doing here?"
"I told Haruka-poppa that I was studying with Chibiusa,"
Hotaru replied with a naughty wink. "She keeps forgetting how the Yamhead's not even in this series, which leaves me free to do whatever I want."
"Well, I'd say you have a date for this show after all," Pesti-chan said, unable to keep from smirking. The line advanced, and he & Makoto went up to the ticket booth.
Then Hotaru pulled off the coat she was wearing, revealing that she had even Cosplayed for the occasion. Chaos' eyes bugged out upon seeing Hotaru dressed up as one of the bikini-clad Sailor Senshi. He then blushed.
Ami nodded with approval. "She looks a good in a drawstring thong."
"Ami-chan, we really need to talk about your newfound lack of innocence," Makoto called out as she and Pesti-chan went into the theatre.
Carnage was next, and wound up paying for not only himself, Rei and Miyu, but for the front doors too. "Gomen nasai," Rei and Miyu sheepishly apologized.
Carnage just shook his head and escorted them through the charred remains of the doorframe. "Usually I'm the one responsible for this kind of damage," he remarked as he stepped over the extra-crispy matron.
"Aw, Oni-san's all dressed up and has nothing to zorch?" Demolition ribbed his older brother. He immediately ducked the incoming Ra Tilt and was unharmed. The ticket booth didn't fare so well, however.
Dark Mayhem and Ami set out for the other ticket booth still intact, leaving Chaos behind to try and convince Hotaru not to go in with him.
"Chaos-chan," Hotaru stated. "I got dressed up for you. I wanted tonight to be a special date for us."
"It might be the last date for us too, if Haruka finds out," Chaos said through his nervous smile.
"I'll pay for both of our tickets," Hotaru added.
Chaos immediately perked up. "What are we waiting for? Let's get some good seats inside before they're all taken!"
Once they got their tickets, the two headed inside.
The theatre was half full already, everyone excitedly talking and running down the aisles. Most of the Anime people attending were dressed up as their favourite character.
"I hope this fic is good," Yawara remarked as she started to sit down in her chair. Somewhere in the theatre lobby, her grandpa Jigoro was busy cleaning out the concession stand of all its food. "I've heard all the weird stories about it, but this is my first time seeing it."
"You've never been this before?!" Recca exclaimed in surprise. He turned his head and shouted back to the stage, "Naoko, we got us another newbie!"
Yawara found herself accosted by Sailormoon's creator. "A-Ano," she stammered.
Naoko just smiled pleasantly at the fashionable judo girl. "It's okay, this is just harmless initiation."
Moments later Yawara had a large 'N' scrawled in red lipstick on her forehead. "Na ni?!" she exclaimed. "What's this for?"
"Oh, that's just to show everyone else in the theatre that you're new to the whole Rocky Haruka theatre experience," M. Bison explained calmly as he walked past her, balancing a number of drinks and buckets of popcorn in his arms. "It also makes you easier to spot when we start flinging pocky around."
Suddenly Yawara was growing very suspicious that this N on her forehead was in fact just a gigantic target for the more experienced audience members.
Crow: [looking around the theatre] "Can you believe this crowd?"
Tom: "Best Brains must have rented the place out to pay for an eleventh season of MST3K."
Joel: [dressed up as Riffer Raff] "I think my hump's starting to droop."
[The two bots slowly turn to their creator.]
Crow: "Just tell me you brought the Koala March and Pocky to throw at the screen."
Up at the front of the theatre, Naoko Takeuchi was still busy doing her job as chief Newbie hazer. Hapless first-timers found themselves at her mercy as she scrawled N's on their foreheads and then made them try to recite any songs or dance numbers from the fic. She was also judging the Cosplaying contest too. And being the helpfully capricious and evil avatar that she was, Anarchy was in the front row making sure that no newbie could escape.
"More Sake to the front row!" Tasuki crooned, his arm around Anarchy's shoulder.
Anarchy glanced at him. "It had better all be for me, Fang-boy."
"That's Anarchy for ya," Dark Mayhem said as the entire gang of fanboys and Senshi settled down in the middle of the theatre. He and Ami were sitting next to Makoto. And Makoto was currently trying to negotiate a cease-fire of popcorn-flinging amongst the 6 SD Pesti-chan's. But SD Pesti #6 won when he Dil Branded the competition.
Hotaru sighed wistfully as she leaned her head on Chaos' shoulder. Chaos tried to calm himself down as he discreetly tossed a startled (and slightly charred) SD Pesti #4 out of his lap. "You don't have to be so negative, Chaos-chan," Hotaru said to him. "If you actually thought optimistically once in a while, you wouldn't be so high-strung."
Chaos shrugged, already having resigned himself to the impromptu and potentially fatal date. "Why not?" he ventured. He somewhat awkwardly raised his arm and tried to place it over Hotaru's shoulder. This was made a little difficult as Catastrophe started to use his hand for a teething ring.
"Um, sorry about the Godzilla-thingy drool," he said, trying to find a napkin to clean off Hotaru's shoulder.
Hotaru stared at him for a moment, and then giggled. "Chaos-chan," she said, sticking out her tongue and blushing. "You're so cute when you're relaxed."
"Ne, Chaos," Dark Mayhem called down the row. "You see where Carnage went to?"
A few minutes of searching later, they found Carnage up in the 'smoking' session of the theatre with Rei and Miyu. Said section was actually the upper balcony, which bore the telltale scorch marks of the trio's previous trips to see Rocky Haruka.
Demolition tried to get a cute girl to sit in the vacant seat next to him, but wound up with Legato Bluesummers instead. "Hey, watch it with the shoulderpad!" he exclaimed, dodging the rows of spikes sticking out from Legato's right pauldron. "You could decapitate a 'Wu' with those things."
"Don't worry," Legato said cheerfully. "They're paper mache spikes. Knives doesn't let me play with sharp objects, after that 'running with scissors' incident I had with Vash."
Demolition smiled and started to move to the far side of his chair. "Okaaaaay."
Suddenly a black cat's head popped out from Legato's bucket o' popcorn. "Nyaaaaaaaa."
"Kuroneko-sama!" Legato exclaimed happily, yanking the cat out from the popcorn and hugging it. "I thought I'd killed you in a crazed homicidal fit last episode!"
Demolition: [raising his hand] "Anyone in here want to change seats with me?"
"No thank you, Demo-chan!" came the uber-cute reply of Hysteria some three rows up. "Hysteria's got some great, kawaii little seat-chans for this movie-chan today. Nothing could go wrong for Hysteria-chan now!"
But this being a Fanboys! fic, that sort of remark was just begging for an ironic sight gag.
Hysteria's smile faded as the large, spidery form of Matariel made its way into the theatre. It then chose to take the seat right in front of her, its immense form blocking the entire screen.
"Hey, down in the kawaii little front-chan!" Hysteria exclaimed, throwing some popcorn at the back of the arachnid Angel's head.
Matariel blatantly ignored her, but did raise one of its stick-like legs and somehow managed to give her the finger. At the risk of stating the obvious no good-chan could come out of this.
Hysteria's eyebrow twitched, her ire sparked. "How dare you flip Hysteria the unkawaii little bird-chan!" she shrieked, jumping onto her seat (and getting her foot stuck in the popcorn bucket too). "For this no very nice deed-chan, Hysteria will sent her kawaii little foot so far up your ass-chan that you'll have kawaii little treadmark-chans on the back of your tongue for a kawaii little month-chan!"
"Um, that Angel doesn't actually have a mouth," Clef spoke up. "For that matter I don't think it has a rectum."
Hysteria scowled as a kawaii li'l cloud rained on her parade--and her head. "Shut up!" she snapped finally. Her gaze returned to Matariel, and she started to power up an immense magic spell. "Hysteria tried to be nice. GIGGLE SLAVE!!!"
Immediately the oversized mouths from Lain surrounded the Angel, giggling insanely. Within seconds Matariel was reduced to a quivering mass that grovelled for mercy and called Hysteria 'Queen-chan!'
Of course, it also made any nearby movie-goers go deaf from the noise.
"Most dishonourable," Riot mused, trying to get the ringing out of his ears. "She should warn people when she's going to perform Giggle Slave-fu."
"Excuse me," came a polite and refined feminine voice. "But I believe you're in my seat."
Riot looked up...at least it can only be assumed he did given that whole squinty thing samurai do so well, and saw the most feared assassin in the galaxy (and Beverly Hills), Twilight Suzuka.
"You must be mistaken," he reprimanded her. "This most honourable seat was vacant when I found it. I have yet to find your name scrawled across it, so my bushido is at rest."
Suzuka scowled. Drawing her bokken, she made a quick slash in the air and bisected Riot's drinking cup. But instead of fleeing in terror like most people she bullied to get the best seats in any house (come on, people! You think she's *always* that prim & proper when nobody's looking? ;), Riot grinned and stood up.
"I receive your message of challenge," he remarked. "Anything-goes, martial arts seat claiming-fu, is it?"
Suzuka nodded and took up one of her martial arts stances.
"Very well, I accept," Riot said with a grin. "If you defeat me, I shall give you me seat. But should I win, I keep the seat."
Suzuka laughed. "Ha! If you can find a way to beat my unseen techniques, I'll let you date me and keep the seat!"
The two went motionless, poised to attack. They were reading the other's moves, waiting for the precise moment with which to strike in an alarming and lethal split second of time! Well, that or they were just letting the disorientated fairy drift between them before trying to kill each other over the chair.
Herself the Elf: @.@ [fluttering erratically] "Bura bura?"
Makoto leaned back as she let the little fairy of an avatar fly past them. "What happened to Sarcasm?" she asked.
"Probably wandered too close to Pretty Sammy and got too much sugary sweetness for her own good," Dark Mayhem replied. Abruptly Ashram landed on his head, sending the uber exploder fanboy's face into the seatback in front of him.
"We have to get her up to the bishounen private booth, stat!" Ashram exclaimed to SD Chic and SD Gorgeous, who were standing in the aisles. "You get the Bishie-soise ready and I'll have her there soon!"
Dark Mayhem: [twitch twitch!] "Ami-chan, I need a kiss."
Seconds later, one smooch and a very loud "MEGADETH!!" later found Ashram getting catapulted straight into the projection room.
"Idiot," Dark Mayhem growled, sulking about the footprint now on the back of his head.
Pesti-chan looked around. "Ne, where did the Elf go?"
Herself the Elf: ^-^ [glomping onto Demolition's face] "Ooooh, what a hunky bounty hunter! How many dragons have you slain today, big boy?"
Legato: "Friend of yours?"
Demolition: --;; "Hardly. I detest fairies."
Just as Demolition tried to pry the overly-amorous pixie off his face, the lights in the theatre dimmed. A spotlight came on the reveal a small and oddly cute amphibian at the front of the stage.
"Hi ho, Keroppe the frog here," he said into a handheld microphone.
Hysteria: ^-^ "Keroppe-chan! Keroppe-chan!"
Keroppe sweatdropped at that. "Um...anyhoo, tonight here on the Sanrio Show, we're pleased to give you that cult classic: the Rocky Horror Senshi Show. But first, a comedic routine from our very own Bad Baaaaaaaaaugh!"
Suddenly Keroppe found himself unceremoniously abducted by Azusa Shiatori, who bounded across the theatre in her ice skates while chanting, "Ooooh, Reuben! Reuben!"
Now Miss Piggy (currently dating Oolong in a very ill-advised DBZ crossover) wasn't about to let this happen, so she grabbed Carrot Glaces by the collar and launched him straight into Azusa. While Carrot tried for a glomp, he wound up knocking all three of them out cold.
"Sugoi!" Hotaru said eagerly. "Is it usually this exciting, Chaos-chan?"
Chaos scratched his head. "No. This is a lot quieter than usual."
"This is all that pervert sorcerer Orphen's fault, I just know it!" Volcan shouted throwing a midget hissy fit. "So now who's going to host this showing?!"
Red Queen ChibiChibi: [tottering across the theatre] "Chibichibichibichibichibichibi!!"
Anarchy: [with Sake!] "Good enough! Scroll fic!"
[Cue Rocky Haruka!]