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SD Puchiko: "Nyu."
[Cue the giant pair of Mistress 9's red lips! Or not.]
His lordship Chaos: "Um...where's her lips?"
Cameraman Dan: "Yeah, about that. We lost them."
His lordship Chaos: [blink blink!] "You lost them? How can you lose a big freakin' pair of lips?!"
Cameraman Dan: "Deso volunteered to bring them over to the set."
His lordship Chaos: [argh!] "The Messiah of Silence is going to turn us into daimon fodder for this, you realize. Okay, what else do we have instead of big lips?"
Cameraman Dan: ^^; "Um...we have a Luna Ball, Sir."
His lordship Chaos: [unimpressed] "A Luna Ball? What the hell am I gonna go with a Luna Ball?"
Cameraman Dan: "Cue it to sing the opening song?"
His lordship Chaos: [agitated li'l author] "We're doing the Rocky Horror Senshi Show here! You can't open it with a singing Luna Ball!"
Hysteria: ^-^ [boing-chan!] "Ooooh! Hysteria could open the kawaii li'l fic-chan for the author-chan! Hysteria loves to sing!"
His lordship Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "The Luna Ball it is!"
[Cue the giant Luna Ball floating up in front of the camera! The music for "Science Fiction Double Theatre" begins as the Luna Ball starts to belt out....]
Luna Ball: Mike, Tom and Crow were ill
Under Dr. F's will
But they riffed fics like a pro.
Tuxedo Chris was there
In cape and wheelchair
With three Senshi, now didn't you know?
And now something's amiss
With that cat, Artemis
He got caught in an Oscar lemon!
And then from a faraway place
Hentai scouts came from Outer Space
And this is how those fanfics run:
[Cue the title!]
THE ROCKY HORROR SENSHI SHOW!!!
Luna Ball: Senshi fiction double gender!
The plotline's fallen in a blender
See daimons boinking Usagi and Mamo
And the gang in the theatre needs more ammo
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh....
At the late-night, double lemon fanfic show!
SEIYA as Dr. Frank N. Fighter
(an idol-singing creator)
USAGI as Janet Weiss
(a whiny heroine)
MAMORU as Brad Majors
(an annoying hero)
YATEN as Riff Raff
(a handy idol singer)
TAIKI as Magenta
(a domestic idol singer)
MINAKO as Columbia
(a Three Lights groupie)
PROFESSOR TOMOE as Dr. Everett V. Scott
(a perverted scientist)
HARUKA as Rocky Horror
(a gender-ambiguous creation)
HAVOC as Eddie
(an ex-panty delivery boy)
GREENBEANS as the criminologist
(a fanfic expert)
[Cue the beginning!]
Naru and Umino were getting married.
Not much rejoicing was made at first, until all of Jyuban learned that the pair was subsequently not going to appear in the Sailormoon Anime anymore because of their honeymoon. Much rejoicing was then had! There was a surprisingly large turn out at the chapel...people mainly there to make sure the two actually left the show.
Loud chapel bells rang as Naru & Umino stepped out from the church and found themselves assaulted by a crowd of other jubilant SM characters throwing rice. And throwing plushies. And throwing the occasional live grenade.
Audience: [throwing rice at the fic] "Choke on it!"
Hysteria: "Waaah! Hysteria's kawaii little rice-chan is sticking to her kawaii little bowl-chan!"
Asuka Langley: "The rice isn't supposed to be steamed, you baka!"
From somewhere up in the bell tower, a slightly disfigured Nephrite watched his beloved Naru-chan leave. "You'll pay for this, Umino," he muttered to himself as he lurched back into the shadows. "I'm the one who got those demon tree branches stuck in my shoulder. I'm the one who would've had that chocolate parfait, but noooo! I had to have Crossdresserite kick my ass. But I shall have my revenge, Umino. I'll find that Silver Crystal and shove it right
He was suddenly clobbered by Zirconia's flying eyeball, and plunged over the side of the bell tower.
Fortunately, Yarf-chan broke his fall.
Naru managed to sneak away from throngs of cheering friends/youma fodder, and found the chance to talk to Usagi. "Well, I guess that about does it," she remarked. "We're married."
Usagi smiled and nodded. "I don't think there was any doubt about that, Naru-chan. You and Umino have been together ever since Haruna-sensei made you both stand out in the hall for being late. And better you than me to get stuck with that googly-eyed weenie."
Naru: [???] "What?"
Usagi: ^^;; "Nothing!"
"Hey, the only reason I ever tried out for those Mugen High entrance exams was because of him," Naru sighed wistfully. "I remember how cute Professor Tomoe looked...right before he had our computer screens rip out our pure hearts. Whatever happened to Tomoe-sensei these days?"
Usagi could only shrug. "From what I hear his seiyuu got a job working for some XYZ company. Something about a City Hunter, I think."
The two ladies turned their heads as someone called out, "Oooh, they're going to throw the bouquet!"
At the top of the steps, Umino turned his back to the jostling crowd. Fisheye managed to sneak in, and was currently getting into a bitch-slapping contest with Crossdresserite over who would catch the flowers. Sailor Aluminum Siren--
Audience: "Siding! Aluminum Siding!!"
--was busy handing out business to cards to the other guests. And Sailor Iron Mouse had gotten herself locked inside her Tardis phone booth yet again. Tin Nyanko and Lead Crow were currently trying to use the Pegasus' horn to unlock the door. This was proving a little troublesome, give how much squirming the winged horse was doing.
Suddenly Umino threw the flower bouquet over his head, and everyone gasped as they watched it soar over the crowd. Chaos, dressed in his blue sundress, smiled in excitement as he saw the bouquet soar his way. He was instantly tackled by Mamoru, who triumphantly held the bouquet up over his head before spiking it on the ground.
Naru giggled as she watched Chaos pull out a bucket of herrings and lob the tiny fish at Mamoru. "Well, it looks like your turn must be next, Usagi-chan. Ne?" she ribbed her blonde friend.
But while Usagi smiled, the oft-forgotten gears in her head started to crank and turn. She pondered the idea of marriage, absently looking down at the ring Mamoru had given her before going on that airline flight--which had hit some turbulence along the way, namely Galaxia.
He had promised to come back and marry her then.
Maybe now they could try for it.
Usagi smiled and joined the other guests as Naru picked Umino up in her arms and carried him off to their car. Rice, small calibre bullets and assorted Pokerats were being flung around to celebrate the pair's departure from the Anime.
[Cue the audience throwing hapless Pokerats around!]
Fuyutsuke: >.< "Ow! I just got hit by a Psyduck!"
Psyduck: @.@ "Psy!"
Suboshi: [ducking down in his chair] "Look out! Incoming Dragonite!"
Hysteria: ^-^ "Oooh, Hysteria can fling her kawaii little Pokemech instead: Deathscyther!"
Deathscyther: [dressed in Hell Custom's Gundanium armour] "Scyther!"
Havoc: "Feh. Amateurs. It's time for the Hentenno to stroke! I grope you, Jigglymuff!"
[Cue Mai Shiranui in a pink leotard made from Jigglypuff skins!]
Mai Shiranui: ^_- [wobbitawobbitawobbita!] "Hai hai!"
Akio Ohtori: o.O; [nosebleed!] "Ack! Prozac! Where's my Prozac?!"
Haruto: [sigh!] "Akio, you are such a virgin ingenue."
[Back to the show....]
On the side of their honeymoon car was written: 'Wait until tonight! She's got hers, but now he'll get a nosebleed and pass out!' As a happy Umino and Naru kissed and drove off into the sunset (which actually turned out to be a very active Dragu Slave, and subsequently vaporized their Budget Rent-a-VOTOM), Usagi managed to find Mamoru still doing a victory dance on Chaos.
"Oh, Mamo-chan, isn't it wonderful?" Usagi said. "Didn't Naru look so radiant? Only an hour ago she was Naru Osaka-
--and now...now she's going to be bossing that nerd around for the rest of the Sailormoon series."
Mamoru stepped off Chaos. "So that's why we never see them anymore."
"Well, that and the fact that Umino starred in that ill-fated, 'Sailor Moon Super Taboo' Hysteria pornfic last month," Usagi added. "But we're digressing."
She latched onto Mamoru's arm, and the two took a leisurely walk around the district. So much were they enjoying just being in each other's company that the didn't notice all the other goings-on in Jyuban. Like, for instance, Nami Shiina (aka Black Iczelion) mistaking Desolation for a Chaos Gea.
Desolation: "I'm telling you, woman, do I look like a Chaos Gea?!"
Fairy Godbabbit: "Maybe if I taped a picture of David Hasselhoff over your face, that would help her see the resemblance."
Desolation: "You stay out of this!"
However, Desolation's argument with his Fairy Godbabbit was rudely interrupted as the Black Iczelion used her Gravity Well to crush Desolation from the neck-down into a two dimensional pulp.
Fairy Godbabbit: o.O; "I think they make pasta the same way."
Desolation: [slight eyebrow twitch] "Odd. I've been crushed, and I've been detonated, and I've even been used as a kidney stone in Gaghiel's digestive tract...but I've never imploded before. (^-^) That was a kinda cool!"
Yes indeed, these were the sort of wondrous things that Mamoru and Usagi were missing out on as they walked down the streets of the Jyuban district. Like the sign behind them that said:
Audience: ^-^ "MORONS!!"
TOKYO - Your place to exploit for love & justice!
"Yes, Usagi," Mamoru reflected on the wedding. "Umino's a lucky guy. And I'm sure Naru is too."
"A guy?" Usagi gasped in surprise.
"No, you baka, lucky!" Mamoru abruptly paused. "Unless Naru's a Type-Y bishounen ai like Fisheye...or Ruckus."
Audience: "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!"
Ruckus: "Hey, that's my line! And where'd my Touya-chan sneak off to?!"
Touya: o.O; [with Yukito] "Damn, he noticed! If he catches me with you, I'll be riddled with shuriken darts for certain!"
"Everybody knows that Naru is a wonderful little human battery for the forces of darkness," Mamoru said. He kept walking, anxiously trying to think of what to say next. "Why Umino himself is in line for a neutering next month."
That left him with little other small talk to work with.
"Hey, Mamo-chan," Usagi said, breaking the awkward silence. "I've got something to say."
Mimete: [as Usagi] "I'm pregnant! And it's Umino's!"
JunJun: [as Mamoru] "Wow, me too! What a coincidence!"
"I...I really liked the skillful way you clobbered Chaos to get the bride's bouquet."
And as the happy couple broke into a chorus of "Gundammit Janet!" (only stopping afterwards to wonder why they were saying 'Janet' when her name was 'Usagi'), the two resolved to go see just what Professor Tomoe was up to these days. Why?
Who the hell cares?! This is a Chaosfic.
It's not supposed to make sense, stupid!
>p So there.
Usagi and Mamoru quickly set about to carjacking Haruka's prized yellow convertible, and sped off to the other side of Tokyo, where Professor Tomoe's mansion was. Oh yeah...and somewhere in the midst of all this, Mamoru proposed to Usagi and she accepted and they got all touchy-feely (but not in a hentai sort of way, dammit!). Or something like that.
You know, whatever.
* * *
We abruptly change scenes to showcase Beanie-chan the ficologist, in her study filled with archives of manga, fanfics, and nude Quistis & Haruka pics taped all over the walls. Suddenly noticing she was online, Greenbeans quickly scrambled to hide all the ecchi evidence, and then feigned to be studying the fanfic.
"I would like, if I may," she said with a great amount of integrity, holding a stick of chocolate pocky between her fingers. "To take you on a strange journey."
Haruka: ^^ [tearing open her shirt] Take me! Take me!
Chaos: o.O; [ducking down] Ack! What are they doing in the theatre?!
Hotaru: [giggling] "Chaos, get your head out of my breasts. That tickles!"
Chaos: "Er, sorry."
Hotaru: "Don't be. I'm not."
Beans began flipping through the script for the fic, pausing momentarily to kick aside a Haruka blow-up doll that was now floating around the study.
"It seemed an ordinary night for Mamoru Chiba and his fiancee, Usagi Tsukino," she explained. "These two young and badly-dubbed kids left Tokyo that late Sailormoon SuperS evening, to visit Professor Tomoe: ex-Deathbuster and now working with Kaori for a private eye agency."
Viluy: "And I got the private ear, nose, and throat agency!"
Tellu: [from the back row] "Those weren't the only organs you got!"
Viluy: "Shut up, Plant-girl!"
She closed the book and sighed deeply.
"It's true there were large plot flaws: obvious, gaping and just plain stupid, towards which the story was advancing. It is also true that the spare season they were carrying was badly in need of some plot content."
Audience: [cough cough] "SuperS!"
Naoko: [grrrr!] "Who dares make fun of my work?! Don't make me send Red Queen ChibiChibi to unleash some can o' whip-ass on your sorry otaku butts!"
Red Queen ChibiChibi: [stumbling through the aisles] "Chibichibichibichibichibi!"
"But they, being normal agents of love and justice," Greenbeans continued. "and being on a night out, well they were not going to let a flaw in the story spoil their evening. On a night out...it was a 'night out' they were going to remember for OVAs to come."
Suddenly she noticed Chaos trying to sneak into the study dressed as a lamp, and pilfer her lake god yet again. However, Chaos hadn't really taken into account that he should have perhaps cut holes in the lampshade over his head, if he actually wanted to see where he was going.
He let out a startled shout as he tripped over a Tonberry plushie. But he adeptly bounced back out of his faceplant, standing rigid and cunningly stating, "Don't mind me! I'm just a harmless lamp!" to throw off Beans' suspicions.
This didn't work as well as he had intended. Taking action, Beans leapt out from her highback chair, kicked off the Haruka doll clinging to her leg, and then lobbed a curried Dim Sum bun at Chaos.
Chaos had just enough time to remove the lampshade and open his mouth, shrieking that another flying octopus was out to get him. Yet he was in for a pleasant surprise as he wound up swallowing the bun and discovered it wasn't sashimi.
"Ha ha!" Chaos exclaimed, pointing at Beans. "Your scheme to smite me has failed! Like an order of Dim Sum could ever stop me. Now what are you...going...?"
His voice trailed off as his stomach abruptly warbled and churned, making all sorts of wrong sounds.
Beans gave a triumphant smirk as she watched the curried Dim Sum work its super spicy magic. Moments later Chaos felt a tremendous burning sensation in his entire digestive tract. Certain that he hadn't mistaken Suzaku (all hail the fiery chicken god!) for a Christmas turkey again, he started to hack and gag.
"Water!" he rasped, frantically running around his study. "Water!"
"Baka Chaos!" Beans laughed. "Now you shall see why fangirls will always be revered as goddesses: because male otaku are--"
[Cue Chaos, desperate to quell the burning, grabbing the aquarium and dousing himself with it!]
Beans: o.O;; "--idiots."
Dark Mayhem: "So, in what part of your plan did this happen?"