The storm that had been growing over Tokyo was now at its peak. Thunder rolled and lightning flashed everywhere. The rain was coming down in torrents, wreaking pure havoc for anyone stuck outside with a Jusenkyo curse.
Mamoru had insisted that since they were in a car, they'd be perfectly dry. A few minutes later he recalled that they were in a convertible. They quickly found a gas station and Mamoru tried to dry the leather interior with an acetylene torch he'd found. Shaking her head at his stupidity, Usagi whiled away the time by watching a few curious individuals busy practicing for their drivers' tests.
Vegita: [in a Ferrari] "You call that a car, Kakarotto? My car could whip its ass with my little pinky, and that's without me going Super Saiyan!"
Goku: [in a K-cart] "Shut up, Vegita! How am I supposed to downshift on this thing when I don't even have any leg room? Can't these seats go back any further?"
Piccolo: [driver veeeeeeeeeery slowly on a moped] "Hey, cut it out, you two! We may be vicious battle-hungry warriors, but we must also be cautious, defensive drivers. And these roads are extra-slippery tonight. We should go slower than the speed limit just to be on the safe side."
Vegita: [giving Piccolo the finger] "You Namekian sissy! I could take both of you on in a drag race and--"
Suddenly Vegita's Ferrari got run over by the Nekotank! But in the process, his pointy black hair also shredded the Nekotank's treads, sending the grinning-kitty war machine skidding out of control and then rolling onto its side with a loud yowl. Goku and Piccolo tried to brake, but only wound up hydroplaning on the road and then colliding into the Nekotank.
Goku wound up in an embarrassing situation when his head got stuck in the Nekotank's *ahem!* exhaust pipe.
Usagi sighed as she watched Hysteria climb out from one of the Nekotank's broken windows and start to finger-chan the other Saiyans. "They sure were driving aggressively, with this storm and all."
"Yes, Usagi," Mamoru agreed, now finished drying off the upholstery. "Life's pretty cheap for that type."
They got back into the sports car, put the top on and drove off. Yet misfortune seemed to befall them again not ten minutes later. Mamoru frowned as he looked around the street; all he could see through the windshield and the rain were the end credits to the fanfic.
"What's wrong?" Usagi asked.
"We must have taken a wrong turn somewhere back. Apparently the scene isn't going anywhere else in this direction." Mamoru put the car in reverse and started to back out down the street.
Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down right in front of them, unleashing with it a clap of thunder that shook the car. Usagi screamed in fright and glomped Mamoru. Mamoru naturally panicked and yanked on the steering wheel while mashing his foot down on the accelerator. The convertible performed an Olympics-worthy donut before smashing the front right into a tree...and Desolation too.
There was a loud CRASH!, followed by optimistic silence.
"D-Daijobu?" Usagi hesitantly asked in the aftermath. Everything was quiet now, save for the rain and the random movement of only one functional window wiper. She let go of Mamoru's waist, staring out at the front end--which had Desolation's hand sticking out from the grillwork, still giving the universal "thumbs-up" hitchhiking sign.
Desolation: "I'll just take the next car...."
Fairy Godbabbit: [in a rain poncho] "This is why you're not supposed to scare the driver when the car is in motion."
Piccolo: "I could have told the readers that."
Fairy Godbabbit: [bopping Piccolo with an umbrella] "Hush, you!"
"We must have a blow-out," Mamoru said as he did a preliminary damage assessment. "Kuso! I just knew I should have gotten that spare tire fixed."
"Mamo-chan," Usagi tried to reason with him. "The entire car's been trashed. You're going to need a little more than a spare tire to fix it."
Char Aznable: "I'd save the radiator cap and screw in a new car underneath."
Galaxy Fraulein Yuna: "How's that going to solve anything?"
Rabbi-en-Rose: [eye roll!] "Gundam pilots."
Mamoru flashed her a confident grin. "Daijobu, Usagi. I've been watching reruns of Macguyver all week. Now all I need is a trusty Swiss army knife, some twine and a cat, and I can make a nuclear warhead!"
"How's that going to help us?"
Mamoru placed his hands on Usagi's shoulders, staring deep into her eyes. His smile was so reassuring. "Just wait her until I find help," he said.
That caused Usagi to look around the road. "Where will you go in the middle of nowhere?"
"Didn't we pass a dance club back down the road a few miles?" Mamoru remarked as he opened the car door. "Maybe they have a telephone we can use."
Usagi opened up the passenger door and started to get out. "I'm going with you."
"Odango-atama, there's no sense in both of us getting wet."
"But you know how terrified I am of storms!" Usagi protested, not caring if she was now getting soaked by the rain. "I'm going with you. Besides, the owner of that phone might be a beautiful, evil woman and you'll never come back again."
"Hey, I only got captured and brainwashed by one cute, evil babe!" Mamoru protested, slamming his car door shut. "No wait...two...three...maybe four."
And so the pair ventured out into the rain, keeping close to each other for warmth, protection, and mainly because Mamoru kept trying to cop a feel off her butt. They also passed by a giant Totoro waiting at a bus stop, who was trying to shield itself from the rain with a big leaf, but that's not really important to the story.
Usagi tried to shield her head from the rain with a newspaper. She turned to Mamoru...only to find he was happily wearing his Sports section like a Napoleon hat.
Tuxedo Kekko Kamen: [in the front row, putting a hand in his coat] "What is the worth of thousands of men, compared to the glory of ME!"
Demolition: "Okay, who let him into the theatre? SECURITY!!"
It took some time, but at long last they saw a large neon sign with the words 'Club Kinmoku' on it. And just beyond it was the club itself. Hanging just beneath the neon sign was a smaller, hand-written sign that read: ENTER AT OWN RISK OF FANSERVICE!!
Suddenly an entourage of shriner buggies roared past them, and beneath the black all-leather-cow outfits, they could catch sight of a number of white sailor fukus.
"That's strange," Usagi said. "Mamo-chan, what do you think they're doing?"
"Maybe we're caught in another Scrambled Wars race?" Mamoru ventured.
Back in Greenbeans' fanfiction parlour, something completely irrelevant to the plot was going on.
"You're kidding?" Ophelia said, unable to contain her surprise and amusement. "He *drank* the lake god?"
Dark Mayhem nodded. "Yep. Beans is wringing him out as we speak."
The two authors glanced back at Beans, who was busy trying to stretch Chaos out on a rack. In the meantime, Christabel the gargoyle had taken up residence in Beans' comfy highback chair. "So," she remarked between mouthfuls of chocolate Pocky.
Audience: [throwing Pocky around the theatre!] "Pock Marks!!"
Hysteria: ^-^ "Ooooh! Now Hysteria can do her kawaii little Hokey Pocky dance-chan!"
"Who's hosting the narrator bit now?" the gargoyle asked.
Dark Mayhem & Ophelia could only shrug, neither one of them having the slightest idea.
[Cue an SD Ruri & an SD Yurika popping up and taking over the narration bit!]
SD Ruri: ^^ "Wai!"
NANE NANI ROCKY HARUKA!!!
(Not for sale or rent)
[We suddenly cut to a prop fence in front of a blue backdrop. In front of the fence is the Nadesico's own kawaii computer prodigy, Ruri, all dressed up in overalls. Standing in behind the fence is Captain Yurika, who is dressed up like an oversized bunny rabbit.]
Yurika-Usagi: ^-^ "Ohayo! And welcome to 'Nani Nane Rocky Haruka.'"
Ruri onee-san: [dressed in overalls] "We're here to explain what's going on in this fic, and actually try to make some sense of it. But when I consulted Omiokane about this, it said that the odds were a google-to-one that we'd succeed."
Yurika-Usagi: ^-^ "But we're going to try anyways! So it seemed as if fortune had smiled on Usagi and Mamoru, and that they had found the assistance they required. Or had they?"
Beans: [twisting Chaos around] "Come on, cough it up, Chaos! There's still another two litres of lake god to go!"
Chaos: [discovering new ways of body contortion] "Ow! Stop twisting me so hard, Beans! I think I might have some internal rupturing here!"
Ruri onee-san: --;; "Baka."
It seemed strange that there were no bouncers outside the club as Usagi and Mamoru made their way up the front steps. It seemed equally strange that there was no line up of people waiting to get in. But given the storm, they both guessed that everyone was either already inside, or weren't that desperate to get in.
"Oh Mamo-chan, can't we go back?" Usagi asked. "I'm cold and I'm frightened."
"You're the one who insisted on coming along, Usagi." Mamoru rolled his eyes. "Stop being so wishy-washy. We'll only be here a moment. Besides, they might have a phone."
Managing to seek shelter beneath the portico, Mamoru rang the doorbell. A chime sounded, oddly matching the melody of a somehow familiar "Tuxedo Mirage" song.
The door suddenly opened with a loud metallic groan, and out peered the gaunt, prissy face and long silver hair of Yaten. "Moshi moshi?" he said.
Mamoru put on a charming smile and held out his hand. "Hi! My name's Mamoru Chiba." When Yaten didn't shake his hand, Mamoru put his arm around Usagi. "This is my fiancee, Usagi Tsukino."
Pesti-chan: "Hey, what's the name of a TV sitcom about witches?"
Yaten slowly looked at Usagi. "Charmed."
Pesti-chan: ^-^ "That's the one!"
"......" was Usagi's response.
Mamoru continued, "We thought you might help us. You see, our car broke down a few miles down the road. Is there a phone we might use?"
"You are wet," Yaten observed.
"Hey, it's not that obvious that being scared in a lightning storm turns me on, is it?" Usagi protested, her cheeks going red.
Mamoru and Yaten slowly turned and gave her curious looks.
"I think he was talking about the rain, darling," Mamoru said.
Another stray bolt of lightning revealed rows of Shriner buggies parked out near the front entry.
"I think perhaps you had better both come inside," Yaten said hastily, gesturing for them to enter the house.
"You're too kind," Usagi sighed in relief.
Yaten merely grinned and gave a know-it-all chuckle as the pair stepped inside. There was loud, boisterous music coming from somewhere deeper in the dance club. All Usagi & Mamoru could hear at the moment were just the upbeat J-Pop rhythms, accompanied by cheers and shouts.
Usagi found herself overcome with that whimsical fear again. "Mamo-chan, I'm scared! What kind of a place is this?"
"Oh, it's probably some kind of daimon-hunting lodge for rich magical girls," he replied.
Yaten slammed the door behind them. "This way," he said, leading them down the main hall towards the actual club area.
"Is it 'Two-for-one beer Tuesday'?" Mamoru hazarded to ask.
"You've arrived on a rather special night," Yaten answered them. "It's one of the Master's affairs."
Usagi and Mamoru nodded as if they understood. "Lucky him," Usagi said, wondering if they had a buffet table she could graze on.
"You're lucky, he's lucky, we're all lucky!" Taiki proclaimed in his deep baritone voice, as he slid down the staircase banister in a maid's uniform. He started to laugh, tossing his feather duster over to Yaten. Yaten adeptly caught the duster, and failed to see Taiki slide right into the statue at the end of the banister.
A nearby clock began to sound off the midnight hour with resounding gongs.
"Mamo-chan," Usagi murmured. "Why do they have a coffin for a grandfather clock?"
"People on Kinmoku must have strange burial customs," Mamoru tried to reassure her.
Yaten opened up the clock to reveal the petrified form of Jadeite still encased in a block of crystal.
Yaten: [singing] It's astounding
Fics are fleeting
Fansubs take their toll
But do read closely
Taiki: Not for very much longer!
Yaten: I've got to keep control.
As the music continued, Usagi and Mamoru found themselves being escorted to the dance floor by these two questionable characters.
Yaten: I remember doing the fanfic
Acting those moments when
The hentai would hit me
Yaten & Taiki: And the author would be calling--
[The two throw open the doors to the ballroom, revealing more Sailor Senshi--Inners, Outers, Asteroids & Animates: all in fukus & party hats!]
Senshi: Let's do the lemon again!
Let's do the lemon again!
[Cue Ruri onee-san back in the fanfic parlour, pulling down a large display chart.]
Ruri: [with pointer] "It's just a hump to the left."
Senshi: [dancing] And then a glomp to the riiiiiight!
Ruri: [grabbing herself] "Put your hands on your tits."
Senshi: And keep your plotlines light
And it's the yuri scenes
That really drive you insa-a-a-ane!
Let's do to the lemon again!
Setsuna: ^-^ "Now let's do the Timewarp! I've had centuries to practice that one."
Usagi: "Mamoru, this is really wierding me out!"
Mamoru: "Usagi, please! They haven't even sung the second verse yet. Besides, it's kinda catchy."
Yaten: With a bit of a mind flick
Taiki: You're into the fanfic!
Yaten: And no plot can ever be the same.
Taiki: You're spaced out on sensation
Yaten: And bad punctuation!
All: [dancing!] Let's do the lemon again!
And atop a jukebox was Minako, in a gold sequined sailor fuku. She began to perform some oddball tap dance, and ultimately tripped over Artemis. Usagi and Mamoru winced as they watched Minako faceplant onto the carpeting. And as the all Senshi began to sing the chorus again, Usagi and Mamoru discreetly began to get the
hell out of there.
Yet the song came to an abrupt end, and then everybody toppled over, seemingly dead. Bad fanfics--lemons especially--are known to leave twitching corpses in their wake.
Usagi elbowed Mamoru. "Mamo-chan, say something."
Audience: "Say something stupid!"
"Say!" Mamoru called out. "Any of you guys here ever read 12 Hours with A Senshi?"
Audience: ^-^ "Good enough!"
Usagi groaned, a sweatdrop appearing next to her head. "Mamoru, please," she implored him. "Let's get out of here."
Mamoru tried to act dignified as the other Senshi slowly got to their feet. He was certain they were giggling over how childish Usagi was acting. "For Naoko's sake, get a grip on yourself, Usa-ko."
Hanagata: [as Mamoru] "Like I was doing to you earlier!"