Back at the fanfic parlour, it was amazing that anyone was actually paying attention the fanfic. Christabel was wearing a set of sunglasses and reclining in a beach chair underneath a sunlamp. Greenbeans now had a toilet plunger stuck to Chaos' face, and was vehemently trying to suck out whatever bits of lake god were still in his system.
"At this rate, you're going to have to test his urine samples for any traces of deity," Dark Mayhem remarked between mouthfuls of popcorn.
"Please don't say things like that," Beans groaned. "How am I going to explain this to Haruka and Michiru?"
Ophelia shrugged as she munched on some pocky and then ventured a guess. "Maybe you could replace it. After all, there's more lake water where it came from. And it's Anime: there's all kinds of aquatic deities roaming around."
To which Chaos held up a sign that read: Just make sure you your water gods don't come with evil, mecha piranhas.
And watching it all with distanced exasperation, Ruri onee-san could only say one thing. "Baka."
"Back to our narration bit," Yurika-Usagi said daintily, acting as if the commotion behind her wasn't even there. "There are some who say that fanfics are real, and that the authors who write them are just make-believe."
Ruri onee-san then added, "If this is so, then we are all obviously screwed beyond belief."
Yurika-Usagi sweatdropped and slowly looked down at her counterpart. "Has Akito been leaving those Gekiganger-3 Uncensored tapes out again for you to watch?"
Audience: "Tenkawa Tenkawa Tenkawa Tenkawa TENKAWA!!"
"However," Yurika-Usagi continued. "The sudden departure of their host and his...bishoujonen left Usagi and Mamoru uneasy. This feeling grew as the other guests departed, and they were shown to their separate rooms."
Chaos: [holding up a sign] *Um, guys? I think this lake god's giving me the runs*
Beans: [yanking on the plunger!] "That's just the curried Dim Sum, you self-inserted idiot! Now cough it up! Cough my lake god up!"
As if getting fondled by Minako wasn't bad enough--actually, it wasn't bad at all, Usagi found. But that's beside the perv. Er, point. Yes...that's what we meant. Anyhoo, Minako felt Usagi up yet again and then gave the odango-haired blonde a light smack on the butt in escorting Usagi to the guest room.
The door slammed shut behind Usagi, leaving her all alone in a ladies onsen! Brought, no less, to you by those wonderful fanservice-loving folks at Pioneer. Usagi wasn't entirely sure what to do now; she was still very worried about having been separated from Mamoru. However the water looked very warm and enticing, and she was still damp from having been outside in the rain.
Usagi shrugged her shoulders and then changed out of her underwear. She did a quick scrub, wrapped a towel around herself, and then stepped outside to the hotsprings. No sooner had she been on the verge of removing the towel and revealing once and for all just how perky her bosoms were, than a loud commotion was heard on the other side of the wall of bamboo dividing the hotspring.
Suddenly out from the men's side appeared a very irate red-haired girl, chasing after a shrunken midget.
Happiest: ^-^ "I love onsens! They smell so much like spring."
Ranma-chan: "You back here, you freak! You're not going anywhere near the women's side!"
However, Happiest managed to dodge Ranma-chan's mid-air attack and bounded away unharmed. Ranma-chan did not fare so well, however. Usagi let out a startled yelp as Ranma-chan crashed right into her, both of them toppling into the hotspring. Usagi emerged a few moments later: sans towel and spitting out the warm water.
"Itai!" she groaned. "When I'm not clutzing out, I'm a magnet for other accident-prone people!" Usagi was then bopped in the back of the head by Sae, who was still trying to regain control of her flying broom.
Wondering where the red-haired girl had disappeared to, Usagi fished around in the steaming water...and then pulled up a thoroughly unimpressed guy by the tip of his black ponytail. "I hate that pervert," Ranma growled, sulking at how easily Happiest had escaped.
His expression quickly changed as he caught an eyeful of Usagi's exposed cleavage. Usagi screamed and recoiled across the entire hotspring. "Ecchi!" she shrieked.
"Hey, I wasn't the one trying to sneak in here!" Ranma snapped angrily. "Blame that shrunken freak of a--" He abruptly stopped, a sweatdrop appearing next to his head as he sensed an ominous shadow hovering over him.
Akane: [punting Ranma into low orbit] "Ranma no baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka--"
Usagi: [turning to Nabiki Tendo] "Where does she get all that energy if she doesn't even seem to breathe?"
Nabiki: "She's entirely self-powered by spite."
Akane: >( "--baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka baka BAKA!!!"
Usagi sighed, and settled down to a warm, refreshing soak in the hotsprings. Not long after the Tendo family cleared out. As they left, a skateboarding bunnygirl waitress brought Usagi some complimentary Sake and cookies. Thinking that this wasn't such a bad dance club after all, Usagi proceeded to get herself rather sauced.
Unexpectedly, the door leading into the onsen was slid open, causing Usagi to toss her plate of complimentary cookies over her shoulder. Someone took their time in walking over to the water's edge before stepping in. Usagi listened to this person wade through the hotspring, and then she found a pair of arms wrapping around her shoulders.
Usagi cried out in surprise, but a gentle hand was placed over her mouth. "It's only me, Usa-ko," came Mamoru's voice.
"Oh, Mamo-chan," Usagi sighed in relief. "It's you. I thought it might have been that perverted midget again."
And with the pleasantries out of the way, Mamoru got right down to fondling her there in the hotspring. Usagi moaned as his chest pressed against her back, his hands tickling her sides and kneading her breasts.
"Oh, Mamo-chan, how unexpectedly forceful!" she purred, enjoying herself immensely now. It was surprising how this bout of exhibitionism was turning her on. She turned her head to look back at Mamoru. "But what if--"
Suddenly she realized that it wasn't Mamoru who was groping her. Instead it was--!!
Corvette: ^_- [in strangled English] "Oh, very perky, ne?"
Of course, this did explain what Usagi had felt pressed against her back. She'd figured Mamoru's shoulder pads had just slid down in his jacket again.
"Corvette, dear," came Seiya's voice. The idol-singing mad scientist appeared in the change room doorway, and he sauntered over into the hotspring. "They need you to shoot a shampoo commercial at the Tropical Dimension. I'm sure you can try to get Mimu into the bathtub while you're there."
Corvette pouted, but left Seiya alone with Usagi.
With a cat-like grin, he appraised her exposed chest. And since it was so unfair that only one of them was nekkid, he wantonly flung his own towel aside. This didn't fare well for Mihoshi, who promptly slipped on the towel as she was crossing the deck and crashed right into Seiya's potted Doom Tree.
Kiyone: [forehead slap] "Oh, Mihoshi!"
Carnage: [placing a hand on her shoulder] "I feel your pain, Kiyone."
Rei & Miyu: [demonic girlfriend modes!] "CARNAGE...!!"
Carnage: --;; "And once again, Mihoshi causes a great deal of pain in my life."
"It's you!" Usagi exclaimed.
"I'm afraid so, Usagi," Seiya admitted, copping a feel off her. "But isn't it nice?"
She slapped his magic fingers away. "Oh, you cross-dressing beast! What have you done with Mamoru!"
Seiya paused in consideration. "Well...nothing. Why, do you think I should? I'll have to wrestle him away from a threesome with Nehelenia and Galaxia, but's do-able. So is he, for that matter."
Usagi's blue eyes were starting to water up, and she was on the verge of throwing a hissy fit. "Oh, you tricked me!" she exclaimed angrily. "If I'd known it wasn't another woman, I wouldn't have!"
"Yes, I know, but being ecchi's not all bad, is it?" He started to kiss her. "It's all rather pleasurable, ne?"
By now Usagi was protesting the entire encounter to the very heart of her being. "Oh! OOH! I mean, tasukete."
"Shhh," Seiya purred. "Mamoru's probably asleep right now. And we wouldn't want him to be jealous when he discovers that his rod born of love can't compare to my magic henshin."
Usagi sighed, running her fingers through Seiya's hair. She still had some reservations, but they were being very quickly forgotten. "You promise you won't tell Mamoru?" she asked.
"Cross my starseed and hope to die."
Now while the chances of Seiya dying were nil and next to--given how while everyone else was getting killed off in the last 6 eps of Sailorstars, the three Starlights just refused to take a hint and die--Usagi giggled and then let her and Seiya sink down into the steamy water as they kissed.
Audience: "USAGI, YOU SLUT!!!"
Half a minute later they resurfaced in a frantic, thrashing fury and made tremendous gasps for air.
"I forgot I can't breathe underwater!" Usagi sputtered.
Upstairs in the basement Deathbuster lab (yes, you read that apparent oxymoron right. Now why are you paying attention to the grammar when you should be thinking about fanservice?), the Senshi had for the most part cleared out. With the all-night rave of love and justice over, that meant Yaten and Taiki had to clean up. As Yaten ran a pushbroom across the floor to collect all the confetti, Taiki was busy scrubbing the Cream Lemon residue off the walls.
"I'm getting tired of this gig. All day and all night and all OVA long, it's been Rocky Haruka this and Rocky Haruka that!" Yaten sniffed indignantly. "It's like he's not even an idol singer anymore. He's just a mad scientist.
"I doubt you could call this science," Taiki said, not exactly liking their situation either. "Gunbuster had science. This fic...this fic is just plain mad."
The two paused in their janitorial duties, and glanced back at the large waterbed Haruka was sleeping on.
"What do you think we should do with her?" Taiki remarked. And then suddenly he noticed that there was someone else moving around underneath the bed covers. "What the--Michiru! What are you doing in there?!"
"I told you not to leave Minako running the coatcheck by herself," Yaten scolded him.
Michiru pulled out a Beam sabre and activated it. Haruka's eyes opened upon hearing the weapon's low hum, and she questioningly looked over at the aqua-haired Senshi. "I'm breaking you out, love!" Michiru exclaimed, using the Beam Sabre to break the ropes and kinky knots that had chained Haruka to the bedposts.
And off they ran, a happily li'l SD Michiru carrying a somewhat startled Haruka over her head.
"Shouldn't we do something?" Taiki asked as he watched the two disappear down the hallway. "After all, Seiya will be honked if he finds out Haruka escaped."
Yaten shook his head, an evil grin on his face. "Not yet. Let that pesky Outer get a headstart first."
Elsewhere in the pan-dimensional dance club, Mamoru got shoved into the Dead Moon Circus bar. A bunch of silly looking youma glanced over at the guy in his chibi-Fiore boxers, and then went back to their drinks. Trying to look dignified, Mamoru coughed and then sauntered over the bar to get a drink.
TigerEye and HawksEye were busy perusing various photographs of cute Anime babe and debating which ones to molest next. After all, just because "Tortoise-head and her flying eyeball of doom" was still griping at them to find dream mirrors didn't mean they couldn't have some fun.
Of course, it did have its drawbacks.
"I'm seriously thinking of filing a complaint with the local Evil Underling Union," TigerEye muttered, gulping down his martinene. He pointed down to his left leg, which was currently residing in a plaster cast. "That photograph of Faye Valentine was very misleading. She looked cute and benign in her picture, an easy victim--but nooooo! She had to pull out a machine gun when I tried out my suave English with her!"
HawksEye just laughed as he listened. "That only goes to show why going after women in the prime of their life--"
"You go after women who are more wrinkled than Crayon Shin-chan's dirty laundry! And technically Faye *was* over two hundred years old, thanks to that cryo-sleep."
"--makes for a much better flirting with one's targets." Not caring about TigerEye's eyebrow twitch, HawksEye set down his empty glass and then strolled away. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go seduce the dream mirror out of some Cologne babe."
Mamoru shook his head as he passed HawksEye by, and then leaned up against the bar counter. "Give me something with a lot of alcohol in it," he told the bartender. "I don't think I can take much more of this fic sober."
Abruptly a pair of dainty and delicate hands slipped over his eyes. "O-ha-yo," came a girlish giggle, and then someone blew into his ear.
"Usako?" Mamoru wondered aloud.
He was rewarded with a tongue running up along the side of his neck, making him shiver with delight. "Usako, I can't believe you're so frisky at a time like this."
"Aw, does that mean you don't like it?" she purred behind him.
Mamoru chuckled and then reached his hands around back to cop of a feel off her butt. "Not in the slightest."
After a few more kisses all over his face, Mamoru's eyes were at last uncovered. But to his horror, instead of Usagi he saw only--!!
FishEye: ^^v "Surprise!"
"Na ni?!" Mamoru exclaimed, practically jumping backwards over the bar. "You're not Usagi!"
FishEye made a sultry pose with his body...though the desired effect wasn't entirely all there due to his Michelin Man outfit.
Mamoru didn't seem to thrilled with having been seduced by a yaoi bishounen. And a cross-dressing one at that. "You tricked me! If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have--! I'd never!" He angrily pounded his fists on the bar counter. "I thought you were the real odango!"
Suddenly FishEye's palms glided over his cheeks, delicately holding his face. He felt FishEye press up against him. "But you still enjoyed it, Mamo-chan. And what's so bad about that?"
Mamoru found his gaze being slowly drawn back to FishEye.
"There's no crime in giving yourself over to lemons," FishEye whispered into his ear, giving him a peck on the cheek. "Even yaoi has its place in hentai."
"Ano...you promise you won't tell Usagi?" Mamoru asked, sheepishly glancing around the bar.
FishEye pulled out a whip and cracked it, a large pan-dimensional curtain unrolling itself and hiding the pair. "So long as you call me the Queen, I won't say a word."
Suddenly a loud shout thundered across the bar: "FISHEYE!!!"
FishEye sighed labouriously, retracting the curtain just enough to see an angry Seiya stomping down the aisle. Seiya stood there for a moment, shaking in fury and looking thoroughly unimpressed with FishEye. Then he possessively glomped Mamoru (smothering Mamoru's face into his chest in the process) and punted FishEye through the ceiling.
Yet before we could even remotely delve into shonen ai-not that we wanted to in the first place. You want that, go to a Fushigi Yugi or Gundam Wing fanfic website. Well, go on!
Anyhoo, the phone on the wall started to ring.
Already annoyed at having someone else try to beat him to Mamoru, Seiya yanked the receiver off the wall. "What?" he demanded.
"Master," came Yaten's voice. "Michiru has broken Haruka out. Your new blonde bombshell is in another woman's arms, and somewhere in the club. Taiki has just set loose the rabid Tanuki after him."
[Cue the rabid Tanuki, bouncing on their inflated cajones!]
Rabid Tanuki: [singing] "I've got big balls! You've got big balls!"
Michiru: "Run away! Run away!"
"Yare yare," Seiya sighed. "I'll be there in a minute!" He rolled his eyes and then hung up the phone. It appeared that ravishing Mamoru would just have to wait until later. Seiya tilted his head up to Fisheye, who was currently recovering somewhere in the rafters. "I guess you can keep him warm for me until I get back."
A slightly battered Fisheye held up a shaky hand and made the Victory sign. "Waaaaaiiii...." he warbled. "Bartender, get me an Asahina Super Dry beer too."
So then, before this fic becomes Yaoi2K compliant, let's change scenes!
Now that the afterglow had faded and Seiya had left, Usagi suddenly had a change of attitude. The euphoric rush of being in a lemon scene was gone, and in its place she was becoming as insecure (and as annoying) as Miki in any given Marmalade Boy episode. Still wearing only her onsen towel she roamed Club Kinmoku, disillusioned and distraught.
"What's happening?" she lamented.
Usagi wandered down the hallway, and threw open the nearest door. Inside was Setsuna, who was busy trying to use the garnet orb of her big-assed key to see who would win the next season of Iron Chef. Usagi promptly pounced on Setsuna.
Cue the Rule 3 scene!!
"Where's Mamoru?" she cried out in despair, between puffs from her obligatory post-coitus cigarette. "Where's anybody? Where's my script?! I've forgotten my next line!"
Suddenly Usagi spotted Sailor Tin Nyanko walking in front of the open doorway. She immediately yanked the startled Nyanko into the room, booted a stunned Setsuna out of the bed, and then proceeded to boff Nyanko.
"Oh, Mamo-chan, I'm so sorry!" Usagi sniffled as she got into the elevator, after having finished with Nyanko. "How could I have done this to you?"
She turned her head, suddenly seeing Rei there. Rei uneasily inched away from Usagi's leering grin as the door began to close. "Ano...can I help you?"
And so as the elevator ascended, Usagi took the time to boink Rei.
"Oh, if only we hadn't made this journey," she sighed melodramatically, leaving a rather startled and exhausted (not to mention nekkid!) Rei in the elevator. "If only our car hadn't been drawn towards that 'Wu' fanboy. If only Naoko hadn't written this season!"
Her head snapped around as she spotted Yarf-chan--
PallaPalla: [irate li'l Amazoness] "STOP CALLING PALLAPALLA 'YARF- CHAN'!!!!"
--er, PallaPalla idly roaming around the Deathbuster lab. At the risk of stating the obvious, the lab counters were then violated in about one or two new ways.
Her libido momentarily satiated, Usagi dramatically leaned her back against the entry plug. "Oh, if only we were amongst friends...or that man, Yang Wen-li."
Usagi turned her head, and saw a smiling & naked Chibiusa looking up at her. "Not a chance!" she snapped, punting the Yamhead straight out of the fic. Shaking her head, Usagi launched back into her whining. "Oh, Mamo-chan! What have they done with you?"
And as sheer coincidence (otherwise known as Law of Magical Girls #14) would have it, Usagi stumbled across an extra copy of "Rocky Haruka: the manga", which this fic had naturally been based on. She flipped through the tankoban, and then gave a loud, indignant shriek at the next scene she found.
FishEye was under the covers, pillowing his head on his arms. Mamoru was in chiffon, and smoking a cigarette whilst wearing a smashing women's bathrobe he'd found in the closet. And on the far side of the bed, Crossdresserite was busy buttoning his jacket back up.
Audience: "MAMORU, YOU BASTARD!!!"
But Usagi was always one to quickly bounce back out of such depression. And what better bounce could there be other than the Gainax bounce! She scanned the lab in search of some new female love slave, but to no avail. Usagi was on the verge of giving up hope when she heard someone sniffling somewhere in the lab. Tracing the sound to its source proved easy, and Usagi quickly found herself staring into the EVA entry plug.
Haruka was sitting inside, all done up in a spare plug suit she'd found hanging in the adjacent locker room. She skittered back when she saw Usagi, but the odango-haired blonde managed to calm her down. Usagi's stern expression softened. "What's a cute bishoujonen like you doing in a place like this?"
Haruka brightened and smiled.
Then Usagi noticed some of the bruises Haruka had on her arms. "Oh, Haruka, you're hurt." She gave a cross expression. "Did those icky transsexual Senshi wanna-be's do this to you?"
Genma Panda: [in the background with a sign] *Are you my Michiru?*
Michiru: --;; [flattened beneath a rabid Tanuki's oversized testicles] "I loathe the irony of this sight gag."
Usagi quickly went to work, using her Moon Healing Escalation powers to patch Haruka up. "There we are," she stated, patting Haruka's arm. "All better!"
But unexpectedly, Haruka let her other hand slowly caress Usagi's arm. Usagi's blue eyes widened as she stared into Haruka's equally blue eyes. She was starting to get a feeling in her right fuku pocket, and it wasn't because she had sat on her henshin again.
&Ruri onee-san: [reading from a dictionary] "Turkey: a funny-looking and stupid bird. Also a slang term given to fanfics which share those same two features."
Yurika-Usagi: "Ano...isn't that the wrong word we're supposed to be defining?"
Ruri onee-san: "You're asking that about this fic?"
Yurika-Usagi: [sigh!] "Point taken. But even still, lemons also have powerful and irrational plot devices. And from what Yaten and Minako easily viewed on their television, there seemed little doubt that Usagi had indeed fallen right into one of said Out of Character plot holes."