Minako: ^^v "Hai! After all, every staircase starts with a single step!"
Yaten: [sweatdrop] "......"
The two in question were busy lounging in the lobby of the Diet Building room, sleeping bags and pillows all over the place. The security guard at the desk was currently busy trying to figure out how to hook up a Playstation 2 console to the entertainment system. Surrounded by bags of potato chips and boxes of chocolate pocky, Minako giggled and flopped out on an inflatable chair.
"So what are we going to watch tonight?" she asked, idly running her fingers over one of the many piles of fansub hardshells and Anime DVDs.
Yaten sighed as put his hair up in curlers. "It's your turn to choose tonight. And dammit, will you stop fondling that box of Cocoa Muffs!"
"But it was Na-chan's favourite breakfast cereal," Minako replied longingly as she thought about her splooted boytoy. "He'd eat this out every morning. Oooh, this one has a free vibrating toy inside too!"
Yaten rolled his eyes and went back to eating his own bowl of Frost Fakes (which featured the picture of a grinning Ruckus on the cereal box cover). "If you're not going to pick something, then I will," he stated, grabbing a remote control and clicking on the big-screen TV they had wheeled into the lobby.
The screen jumped to life, startling the security guard in the process. But since he hadn't quite mastered the art of anything-goes martial arts Playstation 2 hook up-fu, a few wires had been crossed (but not crossdressed) the wrong way. Instead of specialty cable channels, Minako and Yaten found themselves patched into the club's security cameras.
And there in front of them was the image of Usagi and Haruka getting really friendly with each other.
"Oooh, this looks like a good show!" Minako exclaimed, applauding the performance. "I wonder what the rest of the plot is like?"
Yaten: [groan!] "If this involves a flashback with lots of stills, hokey music and floating sakura blossoms, I'm leaving."
Hinoto: [in the Diet basement, banging at the ceiling with a broomstick] "Hey, keep it down up there! How can I see the future with all that racket going on?"
Oblivious to her exhibitionism, Usagi lovingly began to stroke Haruka. It didn't take long for Usagi to yet again give in to her newly awakened yuri impulses. She made sure Haruka groped her bosoms as she exclaimed joyously, "Toucha-toucha-touch me! I want to be ecchi!"
However, as Usagi and Haruka were busy *ahem!* cleaning each other off--not that tongue-bathing isn't really a bad thing. Ask any catgirl, but do yourself a favour and don't (pardon the pun) bring up the subject of hairballs--the elevator abruptly started up.
With a startled cry, Usagi flung herself and Haruka back into the entry plug. The cry was turned into a moan shortly thereafter when she noticed just how entangled their arms and legs had become.
The elevator settled into position and the doors opened up. Seiya, now wearing Havoc's DOJI BOY leather jacket, was busy spanking Taiki for having let Haruka escape.
Tira Misu: *Whipcrack!*
Chocolate Misu: [as Taiki] "Thank you! May I have another?"
Chocolate Misu: [as Taiki] "Thank you!"
A somewhat confused Mamoru just stayed to the back corner of the elevator cab and pretended to read a newspaper.
"How did it happen?" Seiya demanded angrily. "I understood you were to be guarding her!"
"I was only away for a minute," Taiki snapped. "And don't forget I'm a member of the band, not some little security minion you can boss around."
While Seiya tossed the ping pong paddle aside, he still didn't look appeased. "See if you can find her on the monitor!"
Taiki sighed and shuffled off to the security desk. After consulting a few of the screens, his eyes widened, "Ano...Seiya!" he called out. "We have a visitor."
Seiya and Mamoru quickly gathered around Taiki.
From the image, it appeared to be a man in a white labcoat, sitting in a wheelchair. Yet oddly enough, his entire face was cloaked in darkness--save for his large pair of round glasses, and a funny-looking grin.
"Hey, Mokkori-san!" Mamoru said with a grin. "It's Professor Tomoe: former Mugen High instructor, and temporarily an evil, sadistic minion of the forces of evil."
Yaten glanced over at Mamoru. "You know this pervert?" Seiya glared at him. "Er, character?" Yaten hastily corrected himself.
"I most certainly do," Mamoru said. "He happens to be an old nemesis who nearly killed my future daughter by ripping her pure heart out and feeding it to some bitchy harbinger of doom. Now let's never speak of the Yamhead again."
"You know him?" Seiya remarked, his tone of voice going acrid. "So your coming here wasn't just a chance meeting. You came here because of a plot device!"
"Hey, my car swerved and it some fanboy with a 'Wu' mark," Mamoru defended himself. "It's true. If he were around and in one piece, I'm sure he'd tell you that himself."
[Cue Desolation, now being abducted by the aliens from the canned planet!]
Desolation: ;_; "Please let this not involve another rectal probe!"
Chibi-Skuld: [watching the departing spaceship/vending machine] "So does this mean the tasty white stuff we found in that unlabeled can was made from a fanboy?"
Chibi-Urd: ^-^ "Mmmmm, Desolicious!"
Chibi-Belldandy: "Urd, please! Use a fork."
Seiya started to advance towards Mamoru, aggressively pushing him and forcing him to step back. "This professor Tomoe, his name is not unknown to me," Seiya stated coldly.
"Oh, you mean you hired XYZ to do a case for you?" Mamoru remarked. "Tell me, did he hit on any of your female groupies, and then Kaori clobbered him with a 1000t wooden mallet?"
Seiya found himself agreeing on that point. "Yes, but that still means he does all sorts of other investigations, doesn't he, Mamoru? He is a private investigator, one of the best ones. The one called the City Hunter!"
"I don't know!" Mamoru sputtered, not sure what to make of Seiya's new bitchy attitude. He found himself growing flustered, and wondered if he'd need to transform into Tuxedo Kamen. "Maybe he is, but I haven't talked to him in years, not since Hotaru moved out to go to some 'private junior college'."
"The pervert is entering the building, Seiya," Taiki reported. "He's penetrated our first line of defence."
Seiya's eyes widened. "He will probably be...in the Zen-fu Room!"
[Cue Professor Tomoe (and his ever-eternal facial shadow) in the Zen-fu room!]
Riot: [meditating next to a Buddha statue] "Quiet or I'll blow your throat up."
Professor Tomoe: [sweatdrop!] "......"
Riot: ^^ "Ah. Most honourable."
"Shall we inquire of him in person?" Seiya remarked, strolling across the lab and flipping the switch on a large ACME magnet.
Suddenly Tomoe found his wheelchair rolling through all sorts of pan-dimensional places of its own accord! He went wheeling through across dance floor and came out of it with a party hat and streamers dragging behind his wheelchair. He drove through the Diet Building, glomped Minako and then left a bunch of tire marks on the newly polished floor!
Hinako wasn't impressed about that.
Tomoe's wheelchair drove across the croquet field. It drove through the coat closet. It drove through the Dead Moon Circus Bar, and got Tomoe a martinene! And then it crashed right into another series that had nothing to do with this fic!!
Makoto Mizuhara looked around the bushes, finding himself at a crossroad. He was still wearing his purple high school uniform, but this wasn't his school anymore. He wasn't even sure if this was Tokyo anymore.
The last thing he remembered was a mysterious girl in the school basement smiling at him, and saying she had been waiting so long for him. And she had known his name. Makoto sighed inwardly; she was beautiful...but who was she?
And for that matter, where was he?
Not in Kansas, that was for certain.
Rustling from the surrounding bushes caught his attention. "Huh?"
Came the loud and quite irate voice from the shrubbery: "Christ, where the hell am I? That's it with the cheap Sake, I'm swearing off!"
And then out from the vegetation stumbled Fujisawa, still wearing the same day-old blue track suit and two-day chin stubble. His eyes were narrowed as he looked left and then looked right, and then wound up toppling over onto the grass.
"Fujisawa-sensei!" Makoto called out to one of his high school teachers. He ran over to Fujisawa, patiently waiting for Fujisawa to pick himself up. "Hi."
Fujisawa groaned, rubbing the side of his head. "Oh...hi, Makoto. So what've you been up to lately?"
"I don't really know," Makoto answered. "Ne, how'd you get here?"
His sensei shrugged, still not having quite taken in all the shock of their situation. He took a bite of his sandwich. "I don't know. One minute I was eating, and suddenly I was wrestling with a shrub. I gotta get back to school; I'm working nights, and can't keep the campus open."
Makoto looked around at all the foreign-looking vegetation. "You know, something seems out of place here. This might not be Japan or even Earth at all."
That got him a confused look from Fujisawa. "Mhm," Fujisawa said, not at all convinced. "Have you been hanging out with Hayashi and the Science Fiction club?"
Fujisawa abruptly burped. "Well, I gotta hit the road," he announced, nodding to the student.
"And just exactly what road will you be travelling?" Makoto asked.
"You think I don't know?!" Fujisawa retorted irately, brushing his hands clean and then taking a dramatic step forward to...to....
It was right about then that Fujisawa realized he had no idea where the hell he was, let alone where the hell he should go. "Okay, I don't know." Makoto could only stand by and hope for some sort of teacherly revelation.
Fujisawa uneasily looked around. "Well," he said optimistically. "We'll just ask the next person who comes along."
[Cue Professor Tomoe on his wheelchair, chasing after Shayla-Shayla!]
Tomoe: ^-^ [jumping out of his wheelchair & facial shadow] "Mokkori!"
Shayla-Shayla: "Get away from me, you freak!"
[And as the dust clears....]
Makoto: [blink blink] "Um, Sir? You...you didn't ask him."
Fujisawa: [panicking] "You saw him too?! I thought I had the DTs!!"
"It shouldn't be long now," Seiya remarked, consulting his wristwatch. "Very soon you both shall discover just how PMSy a Starlight can be. And then you shall quiver at the unbridled wrath of--"
Abruptly Seiya got mowed down by Red Queen ChibiChibi, who was still stumbling lop-sided across the laboratory. "Chibichibichibichi--"
And then suddenly Tomoe's wheelchair crashed through the ceiling and landed on top of ChibiChibi. All that remained were two heart-shaped balls of hair beneath the brick rubble. A dazed Tomoe lifted his dust-covered head and looked around. Moments later his facial shadow dropped in from above and hid his face again.
"Frank N. Fighter!" Tomoe stated. "We meet at last."
After picking himself up off the floor and dusting the chibi-stiletto shoe prints off his back, Seiya grinned. "Indeed. But the plot is certainly not in your favour now, is it?" He paused to drink down some of his bottled Evian.
"Did you know that Evian spelled backwards is naive?" Mamoru remarked. He then looked down at Tomoe and flashed a smile. "Professor Tomoe, how are you doing?"
"Mamoru? What are you doing here? I wasn't aware this was a part of SuperS continuity," Tomoe remarked, shaking Mamoru's hand.
Seiya smacked Mamoru's hand away. "Don't play games, Tomoe. Usagi's probably lost at strip solitaire again as it is, which only shows your chances of making it out in one piece. You know perfectly well what Mamoru Chiba is doing here. He's a part of your plan to check the layout for you. Who hired you? Who hired XYZ to spy on us?"
"I actually came here because of a missing persons case," Tomoe stated. "I came here to find Havoc."
"Havoc?" Mamoru said. "Why, I've seen him. He's--"
Seiya shot Mamoru a dirty look, which neatly shut cape boy up. "What do you know about Havoc?" he questioned Tomoe.
"Why it just so happens that I'm a regular at Planet Hentai," Tomoe stated. "When Havoc disappeared a week ago, the Benkyo Brigade asked me to figure out where he'd gone. And if he was frolicking with the nekkid babes of some newly-released Anime, I was to invite them over for the party."
Suddenly another loud gasp came from somewhere else in the room. Yes indeed, Usagi had picked a most inopportune time to reach her mind-bending climax. His expression resembling that of borderline paranoia, Seiya stomped over to the entry plug and opened the up the hatch. A sweaty but satisfied Haruka & Usagi were
lying together in the pilot's chair.
Tomoe: o.O; "Usagi!"
Usagi: o.O; "Tomoe-sensei!"
Mamoru: o.O; "Usa-ko!"
Usagi: o.O; "Mamo-chan!"
Haruka: [uh!] "......"
Mamoru: o.O; "Usa-ko!"
Haruka: [uh!] "......"
Chichiri: ^-^ "Da!"
Mamoru: o.O; "Usa-ko!"
Princess Mill: "Ukyu!"
"Listen," Seiya stated in no uncertain terms as he glared at Haruka. Haruka tried to hide behind Usagi for protection. "I made you for me, not for the other Senshi. I don't care how Rule 3 needs no excuses; all your fanservice is to be for me alone!"
Suddenly Yaten showed up, complete with a gong and an entire Shumuyoh chorus of monks from Akira. As they loudly chanted, "DAAAAAA!", he rang a large gong. Namely the cowbell of happiness...while it was still around Nanami's neck. "Seiya!" Yaten proclaimed. "The Tempura No Escaflowne take-out has arrived."
Seiya winced as he listened to the chanting monks. "Excellent," he said. He looked at everyone else in the lab, his eyes falling squarely on the nekkid Usagi & Haruka. "You're all invited to join. And under the circumstances, giving the readers fanservice is optional."
Switching back to the Beanie lair, things were not going very well. Not only was Beans still trying to force the final litre of lake god from Chaos' digestive tract, but the overwhelming number of holes in this ridiculous plot had resulted in a proliferation of Yggdrasil bugs.
"So now what are we going to do with these things?" Ophelia asked as she stared at one of the rabbit/spider-thingies. "Open up a pet shop?"
"Maybe we could skin them, and create our own line of slippers," Dark Mayhem suggested.
Ophelia nodded as she considered a few ideas of her own. "Or we could staple gun some suction cups to their feet, and voila! We've got a bunch of plushies to stick in car windows and mecha cockpits."
"Maybe we could con little kids into thinking they're some new breed of Pokemon," Dark Mayhem added.
"Um...what happens when they cause a singularity that transports the kid into the barrel of a wave motion gun?" Ophelia asked.
Dark Mayhem waved her worries aside. "No problem. We just slap a disclaimer label on their cottontail asses, and we're in the clear!"
And irate Beans was busy punting Yggdrasil bugs left, right and centre. "Chaos, I know you're hiding here somewhere!" she fumed.
Chaos, who was busy cowering beneath the sea of fluffy white singularities, tried to act nonchalant by pretending to be Suoh Takamura. This failed when Hysteria mistook him for the real Suoh and immediately pounced on him. But lucky for Beans, the flowing rivers of tears Chaos cried as he was dragged off to a kawaii little tea party-chan proved to restore the last litre of her precious lake god.
"That was a close one," she sighed, pouring the somewhat agitated aquatic deity back into its fishtank. Beans then freaked as she saw a few of the Yggdrasil bugs taking a drink out of the aquarium.
Naturally, no good came of this.
"Wow, Beans, you must have kicked that one right into the OVAfics," Dark Mayhem said, watching through a set of binoculars.
"So what else could we use these things for?" Ophelia said as she shooed a pair of Yggdrasil bugs off the highback chair. "Use them to jack up your car? How about using them as erasers? If you set them to 'Vibrate' they make wonderful back massagers too."
"We could always sell them to the Cat Café as a new variant of haussenfeffer," Dark Mayhem ventured.
"Speaking of," Yurika-Usagi remarked cheerfully, ignorant of the fact that many of the Yggdrasil bugs were gathering around her and worshipping her as a bunny god. "Food has always played a vital role in Anime sight gags."
"I'm always partial to chocolate pocky myself," Christabel commented.
Yurika-Usagi sweatdropped. "Ano...okay. But Miaka and Lina Inverse can eat entire buffet tables and still want more-even after they've unwittingly devoured the tablecloth. Likewise, some girls just can't cook, such as C-ko and Akane Tendo."
She turned to Ruri onee-san.
Ruri onee-san, however, crossed her hands over her chest. "I refuse to say any more of my lines," she stated, up to her waist in Yggdrasil bugs. "If anyone needs me, I'll be going out on a date with Jim Hawking."
And with that, she left.
But the fic had to go one, because if otherwise it would never end. And this author would have the worst case of carpal-tunnel syndrome in history!
"So now, we have to deal with this meal," Yurika-Usagi continued. "However organized it appeared, we can be sure that no one had memorized their lines for this scene."
"So the only thing worse than Yurika here having done the catering would prove to be the half-assed ad-libbing," Dark Mayhem piped up.
Yurika-Usagi cast an annoyed, sideways glance in his direction. "Yes, everyone here would be receiving their...just desserts."
And then, armed with a fire hose filled with cold water, she headed towards Dark Mayhem.
Seiya led everyone into the dining room--which bore a remarkable resemblance to the Crown restaurant. Variable Geo waitresses were roller skating around, taking orders from some of the other patrons. Unazuki handed the group their take-out, and then unceremoniously got lobbed into the fighting ring.
Haruka wound up with a faceful of oversized bosom in the process. Usagi was very jealous of this fact.
And Seiya was busy trying to shoo away a pesky redhead in fantasy-style battle armour. "Oh, look at all this food!" Lina Inverse exclaimed, practically drooling all over the take out.
Seiya shook his head and pointed to the exit. "Your name was not on the guest list, so you'll have to leave the club this instant. He then pointed over to Naga, who was absently watching the wrestling match. "Your friend can stay though."
"Oooh!" Professor Tomoe exclaimed, bringing his wheelchair alongside Naga. He nestled his head against her metal bikini-clad bosoms. "I like her! She's got such huge--"
Naga glared down at him.
"--omakes!" Tomoe finished, sweatdropping.
"Nice recovery," Mamoru muttered to him.
Tomoe gave him the V-sign. "Domo!"
"Look, I don't care if you can Dragu Slave this place," Seiya stated, smacking Lina's hand as it inched towards one of the platters. "You're not having any. Now if your chest wasn't built like a surfboard, that would be another matter."
A fireball flared in Lina's eyes, and she glared at Seiya. Everyone instinctively stepped back. But then Lina did a most unexpected thing. Instead of unleashing a Dil Brand to nuke Frank N. Fighter, Lina dramatically pointed to Naga and proclaimed, "If you feed me...um...Naga will get naked!"
Seiya: ^-^ "DEAL!"
Naga: [looking around] "Hm? What's going on?"
And so, Lina and Naga joined everyone at the corner booth. Mamoru deliberately sat between Usagi and Haruka to put a stop too all their footsy antics. Minako sat next to Lina, and Naga wound up sitting in Tomoe's lap.
Prof. Tomoe: ^^v "Mokkori!"
Seiya sat at the front of the booth, Taiki and Yaten standing on either side behind him. Not in the mood for saying much, he pulled out a turkey baster and proceeded to use it in serving the take out...which consisted of three large boxes of Jello and whipped cream.
The dinner conversation was terse at best. Most everyone just glanced around the table, awkwardly wondering what to say next, and then trying to fend an overly hungry Lina away from their meals. But the silence broke down when Usagi wistfully remarked how she wanted some nyotaimori instead. Seiya promptly lobbed the turkey baster at her.
"Now then," Dr. Frank N. Fighter said, standing up. He raised a soda can up into the air. "A toast."
Crow, Tom & Joel: [lobbing toast] "This Butter be worth it!"
Audience: [lobbing pocky] "Give us pocky, or give us dubs!"
"Let us drink to non-sequitur lemons," Seiya said.
"Kanpai!" everyone chorused, drinking back their plastic cups of Pocari Sweat.
Mamoru, however, found himself with an unpleasant surprise when he tried to take a sip of his drink. "What the? Hey, I'm drinking out of a Kappa head!"
"And," Seiya added, suddenly putting on a party hat. Taiki and Yaten wordlessly put on their own party hats and joined Seiya in singing a Megumi Ogata character song!
Pointing in the direction of this far-off place where
You are waiting
An island one cannot get to without crossing the wide ocean
Asking the whales for directions--
But even before they could get to the chorus of "Sailing for You", Seiya abruptly stopped singing and then sat back down. Of course, this didn't faze Excel in the slightest, who suddenly popped out of nowhere and did some oddball cheerleading dance complete with pompoms.
Excel: ^-^ [with pompoms!] "Wai! Wai! Everyone loves Rocky Haruka and everyone loves lemons, but not as much as I love Il Palazzo-sama! Wai! Wai! Il Palazzo-sama's so cool and he's the best and I'm going to help him and Across take over the world because I love Il--!!"
Il Palazzo-sama: [aiming a gun at Excel] *BANG!!*
And so much for Excel's cameo in this fic.