"Now then," Seiya remarked as he chowed down on the food. "What were you saying, Tomoe?"
Professor Tomoe replied from behind his facial shadow (not to mention Naga's cleavage), "We came here to discuss Havoc."
"Oh, I'm afraid Havoc's a rather creamy subject," Seiya remarked amidst chews. "More Jello anyone?"
Everyone stopped eating, and looked down at their meals.
Audience: "Aw, but there's ALWAYS room for Jello!"
Pesti: >.< "Gyaaaaaa...Oscar: Resurrection flashback there."
Havoc: "But where are the nekkid flashes! Bring me fanservice or bring me Doji!"
Chaos: "What sort of an option is that, Havoc?"
Hotaru: "Chaos-chan's right; they're practically the same thing."
Haruka: [sitting up] "There it is again. I'm certain that was our Hime-chan's voice."
Chaos: o.O; "Ack! Hotaru, act nonchalant!"
Makoto: "Then why are you wearing pantyhose?"
Chaos: [agitated li'l fanboy] "THIS IS ME BEING NONCHALANT!!"
"Urp! I don't think I'm hungry anymore," Usagi said, trying not to be sick.
Mamoru snapped his fingers in revelation. "I knew this white stuff was too creamy to be mashed potatoes!"
Tomoe: [aside to the audience] "I knew Havoc was trapped in a really stupid lemonfic, but this is worse than I imagined."
Excel: ^-^ [bouncing back!] "Wai! Wai! We all may be trapped in a bad lemon but that still won't stop me from loving my beloved Il Palazzo-sama! Wai! Wai! Il Palazzo-sama's such a bishounen and I'm going to help him and Across take over the world because I love Il--!!"
Lina Inverse: "DIL BRAND!!!"
[Cue Excel getting blown out through the ceiling!]
Il Palazzo-sama: "Sugoi! That's a lot better than the rocket launcher I was going to shoot her with."
Tomoe: "Is it safe for me to sing now?"
Mamoru: "You'd better start with the chorus, before all hell breaks--Usagi, get off Haruka! Don't make me use the crowbar on you two! Usagi? USAGI!!"
[Cue the music!]
Tomoe: When Havoc said he wanted her in teddies
you knew he wasn't talking 'bout bears
But when he felt up your breasts
With his soft caress
Seiya: What a perv
Minako: ^-^ Uberperv!
Tomoe: That he was.
Suddenly, just as everyone was prepared to launch into some kung-food fighting, who should appear but everyone's favourite Sexaroid Boomer: Pandemonium! Clad in her tight and revealing AD Police uniform, and armed with a Gainax Bounce that could shatter any Richter scale, Pandemonium stormed into the Crown restaurant.
Numerous (and might we add expendable) AD Police officers charged in after her.
"Okay, that's it!" she stated loudly. "I don't care if we've broken the 4th, 5th, or 118th Wall! The Rocky Horror Senshi Show is getting too silly, so I'm putting an end to the ecchiness right here and now. You're all under arrest!"
Her naughty tentacles of justice began to deploy, seeking to grab the nearest cast members. However the arrest and subsequent body cavity searches were denied as Havoc suddenly erupted from the Cream Lemon on the table.
Audience: [saluting] "For the glory of the uberperv!"
"Pan-chan!" he exclaimed happily, glomping onto her bosoms. "Oh, how I've missed your cleavage!"
At the risk of stating the obvious, Pandemonium didn't take to well to this. "Otoka-saaaan!!" she shrieked, too enraged to do anything but glare and tremble in fury. The gears in her brain came to a crashing halt and smoke quite literally started to billow out from her ears. And then Pandemonium turned her beam cannon on Havoc.
"You are SO dead, Otoka-san!"
Havoc merely looked at her with his Chichiri smile. "Oro?"
Pandemonium started firing, but Havoc easily dodged all the shots from her cannon--not to mention stripping her nekkid in the process. Naturally no good came of this as Pan-chan charged all around the restaurant, blowing holes in everything as she tried to hit Havoc.
But as luck would have it, the only people she shot happened to be all those expendable AD Police officers! Much rejoicing!
SD Largo-chan: ^^v "Wai! Wai!"
Amidst the utter disaster that had been dinner, the entire cast started to frantically run around in a vain attempt to either not get shot, frisked, or have their panties stolen.
"Haruka, save me!" Usagi cried out, throwing herself into Haruka's arms and happily nuzzling her face against Haruka's bosoms.
Seiya's eyes widened as his transsexual Senshi wanna-be wrath was sparked. "Okay, that's it!" he exclaimed, marching towards Usagi. "It's time for me to pull out a Henshin O' Whup-ass on you, Usagi!"
He suddenly and unceremoniously faceplanted onto the floor as Havoc used his head as a springboard. Moments later Pan-chan gave him a rather unhealthy back massage as she stomped all over Seiya in chasing after Havoc.
For once, Usagi actually took the hint. In fact, she took it and ran out of the restaurant. Seiya immediately leapt back onto his feet and started chasing her around the club.
"Quick!" Mamoru exclaimed, jumping onto the back of Tomoe's wheelchair. "We've got to save Usagi!" He sweatdropped upon seeing Tomoe across the room, chasing after Unazuki.
Tomoe: ^-^ "Mokkori!"
Unazuki: "Waaah! Get away from me, you pervert!"
Mamoru: --;; "I'll just walk."
And so there was a madcap chase as Dr. Frank N. Fighter charged after Usagi. Like in all horror stories, even though Usagi was running her hardest and Seiya was only sauntering at a leisurely pace, he somehow managed to always be two or three steps behind her. Probably because Usagi took the time to boink any Senshi who she happened to come across.
All the while, Seiya mockingly taunted her lack of sexual expertise.
"Hey, I'll improve!" Usagi protested after having had her fun with Hotaru. "I haven't been doing all this Rule 3 for nothing, Seiya!"
Seiya: [hmph!] Senshi, schmenshi!
You've got too far to go
You'd better make up, Usa-ko.
Usagi tried to escape him, but found that impossible no matter where she went. She ran through the kitchen. She ran through the Diet Building. She ran through the Zen-fu room! She even ran through the set for "Master Love & Peace Theatre" featuring your host: Vash the Stampede!!
Usagi: [grabbing a black cat sitting next to Vash] "Oh, Luna, this icky pervert is chasing after me! What do I do?"
Usagi: [sweatdrop!] "Luna, I didn't know you were a bass."
Vash: ^^ [holding a treat out for Usagi] "Donut?"
Yet in the end Usagi found herself racing back into the Deathbuster lab. Thinking quickly, she barricaded all the doors and windows that led into the immense room. She even did a hasty patchwork job on the hole in the ceiling. But that proved to be of no avail when she turned around and saw Seiya standing there.
"How'd you get in?" she exclaimed, recoiling in surprise.
Seiya shrugged. "I used the elevator."
Usagi slapped her forehead. "Oh, I just knew I had forgotten something!"
"Hold it right there!" Mamoru called out as he and Tomoe appeared. "Seiya, you fiend, you've had your ecchi ways with us long enough."
Now it was Seiya's turn to scratch his head in confusion. "Hey, wait a minute. She sealed up all the other entrances, and I used the elevator. How'd you guys get in?"
"We slipped in through a gaping hole in the plot," Tomoe replied, adjusting his large glasses. From behind his ever-present facial shadow he added, "The lemon is over, Frank N. Fighter. Give yourself up."
Seiya smirked with an odd amount of smugness. "No, Tomoe-sensei," he countered. "The only thing I'll be giving myself up to tonight is fanservice."
Before anyone could react, Seiya lunged for one of the odd Flash Gordon-looking machines near the tables of beakers. He threw down the lever to the Sonic Hedgehog transducer, and cackled victoriously.
Suddenly three large piles of Yggdrasil bugs rained down upon Usagi, Mamoru and Tomoe. With all the spider/rabbit-thingies clinging to them, the three characters found themselves unable to move.
"It's as if we're glued to the spot!" Mamoru exclaimed.
"Aw, does Mamoru Chiba need a hug?" Seiya teased. "You'll get used to being my monkeyboy. A fanfic mindfuck can be nice."
"Ha! I read Chaos' Nightwalker: Texas Ranger fic," Usagi retorted. "It doesn't get any more screwed up than that."
Seiya found himself conceding on that.
Chaos: "Hey, I'll have you know that I got much better death threats when I wrote my Perfect Boorin fic!"
Hotaru: ^-^ "Hai! You tell them, Chaos-chan!"
Haruka: [looking around the theatre] "Hotaru? With Chaos?!"
Chaos: o.O; [diving down beneath his seat] "Jo'o-sama."
"You won't find Earth soldiers that stupid," Tomoe said to
Seiya. "These spider/rabbit-thingies, I presume they're from some otherworldly Anime known as 'Ah My Goddess'?"
Mamoru gawked. "You mean?"
Tomoe nodded. "Hai. It's been a plot device we here in Jyuban have been trying to develop ourselves. We're all acting ridiculously out of character. Naturally these bugs are attracted to such powerful glitches. Some people at Club Anipike have been trying to use the Yggdrasil bugs as special strait jackets for extremely dangerous OOC characters driven mad by the fics they've had to star in."
He dramatically pointed at Seiya, who was still gloating over their immobile states. "But it seems our idol singer here has found a way of achieving this before anyone else. We are subdued by our own gross character flaws."
"You mean he's going to send us to another Anime?" Usagi cried out in dismay.
"Anime Schmanime," Seiya retorted, snapping his fingers.
Three oversized Yggdrasil bugs dropped out from above and crashed on top of Usagi, Mamoru and Tomoe. Three dazed pairs of swirly eyes were seen sticking out from beneath the immense creatures.
"Well, so much doing this the easy way," Seiya sighed. He brushed his ponytail off his shoulder. "I guess I'll have to resort to the Victorian Crosses instead."
"Wait! I can't stand anymore of this," Minako shouted, storming into the Deathbuster lab. "First, you dropped me when you found out Na-chan was a hundred times more ecchier than me. But when he outdid you with that Kimagure Lemon Road fic of his, you tried to freeze dry him, and then went out making your own sexually ambiguous Senshi. You just want to be the uberperv, when you can't even come close to being a rival for Red Queen Kasumi. For Naoko's sake, you've got NinNin guarding the front door!"
NinNin: ^^v "The Hentenno's sure to let me into the Benkyo Brigade when he sees how good I've worked here!"
"I adored you!" Minako said, looking at Seiya with saddened puppy dog eyes. "I bought all your Three Lights merchandise. I stalked all three of you in turn and finally managed to buy a fake ID that let me into the club. And then I flashed you my breasts so you'd notice me while you were onstage, and look what it got me. Nothing but slightly tweaked nipples!"
Seiya scowled, and glanced over at Yaten & Taiki, who were standing in behind Minako. Taking his cue, Yaten immediately dropped a Yggdrasil bug onto Minako's head, knocking her out cold.
But then Seiya also spotted Haruka, was busy stripping for Kaolinite. Another oversized Yggdrasil bug, this one launched from a catapult, crashed into Haruka. Kaolinite pouted at having already spent 4500 Yen and not even got beyond cleavage nekkid flashes.
"It's not easy making a good lemon," Seiya lamented. "Even foreplay makes my thighs shake. These perverts are all turning on me. Haruka's trying to pretend I never existed, just like Havoc did at first...until he punted me through that Yaoi door."
But instead of sympathy, all he got were derisive snorts from his band members.
"Serves you right," Yaten said, drinking from another Evian bottle. "This is what happens when you let your popularity go to your head."
Taiki nodded in his disapproval of Seiya's playboy ways. "I grow weary of this idol singing gig. When can we return to Kinmoku, Seiya? It's not like Galaxia's a problem anymore."
NukuNuku: "NukuNuku's confused. I thought at the start of this fic, they said it took place in SuperS. But they just said this is post-Sailorstars. What gives?"
Dark Mayhem: "You ever wonder about that plot hole Mamoru and Tomoe used to get into the lab?"
Hearing that, Seiya just laughed. But his laughter was laced with dark undertones. "Taiki, I am grateful to both you and Yaten for being my back-ups in the band. Indeed we three shooting stars have travelled to many many planets and seduced many many unsuspecting sailor soldiers."
Commandant Lasard: "And we've had many, *many* fine cameos tonight."
Makoto: [sweatdrop!] "Ano...this is Anime, not live-action. How'd you get into the theatre?"
Joel: [whistling innocently] "Haven't the foggiest."
Tom: "But Police Academy, Joel? Police Academy?!"
Joel: "Hey, what was so bad about the first movie?"
Crow: ^-^ "Yeah, that one had fanservice all over the place!"
Seiya then gave both of them a fierce scowl.
"But I'm the front-liner, and what I say will continue to be what goes!" He huffed and turned around, acting quite the gender-blending prima donna. "Come, we must get ready for the Cosplay."
* * *
[Back at the Beanie lair....]
* * *
Yurika-Usagi: "So, through some extraordinary coincidence--"
Dark Mayhem: "Or else the fact that the author had no other ideas on how to get this ridiculous plot moving."
Yurika-Usagi: [eyebrow twitch!] "--had decided that Usagi and Mamoru should meet Professor Tomoe after all. But the situation left them with a lot of good characterization to be desired. In just a few hours since their arrival, both Usagi and Mamoru had ventured into...the Outer Lemons."
Beans: "So if I'm not the narrator anymore, can I just go home now?"
Ophelia: "But, Beans, we've still got a crate of chocolate pocky left to eat!"
Christabel: [burp!] "Not anymore."
Ophelia: [turning back to Beans] "Take me with you."
Yurika-Usagi: [trying to ignore everyone else] "What further ludicrous scenes were awaiting them? What of this Cosplay that had been spoken of? In an empty club, in the middle of the night? What had diabolical plan seized Seiya's lack of imagination? From what had gone on before, it was clear that this would be no Hello Kitty show."
Despite an obvious lack of audience, Seiya was busy up in the DJ booth, adjusting sound levels and playing with his music mixes. His ponytail was all done up in curlers, and he wore a velvet lavender bathrobe. Now the fact that he looked utterly ridiculous in such a fashion ensemble was completely lost as Frank N. Furter busied himself in preparing the Cosplay.
Once the set up and obligatory pimping--er, primping was done, a number of spotlights suddenly focussed on the Club Kinmoku dance floor. Usagi, Mamoru, Minako, Haruka and Tomoe (who was still in his wheelchair) were all now dressed as...of all things...the cast of Utena.
"Presenting for your viewing enjoyment!" Seiya exclaimed into a megaphone that echoed across the deserted club. "The cast of Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon shall perform a wondrous song and dance number! Yes, we're here to celebrate the fact that the director for Sailormoon Super was also the director for this other Anime. I give you all a series more screwed up than that 'Gallgo Force 13' Chaosfic: Revolutionary Girl Utena!!"
With a loud & rousing series of canned cheers and applause, Usagi stepped forward and bowed. Looking only slightly ridiculous with her hair dyed a raging Bubblegum Pink, and a sailor battle fuku adorned with decorative lapels, buttons and epaulets, she waved to the imaginary audience.
"Minna-sans, we hope you're all enjoying yourselves tonight!" she shouted happily. "By day I'm just Utena Tsukino, an ordinary and clutzy tomboy at Ohtori Academy. But when evil youma rise up and start possessing the students, I dress up in a fancy-looking fuku and duel with them!"
She struck a cute battle pose, allowing for some fanservice as stripped off her outer duelling jacket and revealed a very skintight, white leotard beneath it.
Havoc: ^-^ "Take it off! Take it all off!"
Seiya: [punting Havoc out of the fic...yet again] "Can't you just cream in peace and leave?!"
"But," Usagi continued, letting the show go on despite her panties having gone up in orbit with Havoc. "I'm not alone. There's always my loving protector and Rose Bride who will complacently stand aside and watch me nearly get skewered episode after episode."
Usagi then extended her arm, motioning for someone else to come out beneath the spotlight. Out from behind a flurry of curtains and rose petals came Mamoru...dressed up in Anthy's red Rose Bride dress. He smiled demurely in combing his fingers through his hair, now dyed purple. While he didn't look all that good in a dress (thankfully there was no audience around to have a heart attack when he pulled up the folds of his dress & revealed some rather hairy thighs), fortunately the glasses on him looked really absurd with the tophat and cane he still had.
But seeing a crossplaying Mamoru was certainly...something. That it was. Something that would permanently traumatize young children if they ever saw it. Had there been an audience they would have no doubt been keeling over in uproarious gales of:
lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol
lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol
lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol
Seiya: [angrily kicking the sound machine] "Damned laugh track's struck again! Work, damn you! Work!!"
Usagi/Utena suddenly bent Mamoru/Anthy over backwards, and drew out from his crossdressing chest the Sword of Love & Dios!
"Give me the henshin to revolutionize the world!" she proclaimed loudly.
"Wait!" shouted Taiki from offside. And then onto the stage he emerged...dressed up as Saionji. Now while the white, leather spandex Student Council hotpants was something to flee in terror from, oddly enough the wavy green hair just somehow suited him.
Taiki/Saionji glared at Usagi/Utena. "Anthy is my prison bitch, and I'll slap her--er, him--er, whatever, as much as I want!"
Usagi/Utena stood defensively between her Rose Beau and the Starlight who was holding a Star Gentle Bokken (hey, it beats holding a uterus!). "You'll never have my Mamo-chan!" she exclaimed, waving her arms in a scary manner. Once she untangled her limbs from the knot she'd somehow managed to get them into, she resumed speaking her scripted lines. "Do you want to challenge me to a duel?"
"Yare yare," came an indignant sniff as Yaten strolled onstage, absently playing with a stopwatch. "It took you fifteen seconds to de-knot your arms, you know that?" His ponytail was cut off, the remaining hair dyed blue (which really didn't match his silver eyebrows, believe this author). He stopped next to Taiki/Saionji, and then compared the near identical spandex Student Council outfits they wore.
"Hey, I didn't get a genderbender," he said, pointing down at Taiki/Saionji.
Taiki/Saionji's eyes widened. "You mean Saionji's not a woman!" he--er, she exclaimed in embarrassment, suddenly trying to hide her bosoms.
With a groan, Yaten/Miki slapped his forehead. "You mistook his nasty attitude for PMS, didn't you?"
There was a noticeable pause.
"DIDN'T YOU?" Yaten/Miki called out louder and shooting a glare back at the curtains.
Suddenly Pandemonium was shoved forward, her ample chest nearly ripping apart her Student Council fuku. "Why do I have to be Juri?!" she pouted. "Just because we have the same orange-coloured hair...."
"Don't forget the whole lesbian thing!" Seiya called out from the DJ's booth.
"Otoka-san programmed that into me!" Pan-chan/Juri retorted angrily. "It's not my fault!"
Mamoru/Anthy piped up cheerfully, "But you have to admit, Rule 3 needs no excuses."
"Shut up, Crossplay boy," she snapped.
"Yes, please treat the Ohtori Academy's student council V.P. with some respect," purred the bishounen voice of Tomoe as he wheeled himself onto the stage...dressed as Touga. As amazing as it was, he was somehow able to keep his facial shadow and glasses whilst working with long red hair.
"We are the best Ohtori Academy has to offer," Tomoe/Touga stated. "Not to mention all the cute girls we want. And...and...."
His voice trailed off as he homed in on Pan-chan/Juri's bosoms.
With a happy cry he jumped out of his wheelchair and glomped onto Pandemonium's breasts. "Mokkori!"
"I never thought I'd see Touga do that," Taiki/Saionji muttered aside to Yaten/Miki. "But I can certainly see Juri clobbering him like that."
But Yaten/Miki was staring at the stopwatch. "Wow, from sitting position to a full glomp took him only point eight seconds."
"Onii-saaaaaaaan!" came the pouty if not air-headed voice of Tomoe/Touga's little sister. And with that, Minako bounded out from behind the curtain, dressed up in Nanami's student council fuku. After requiring the use of a crowbar to pry Tomoe/Touga off Pandemonium's cleavage, she held out a large Luna Ball for all to see.
"Check it out!" she exclaimed happily. "I laid this last night!"