Contractial Intro Bit.
Many heatfelt greetings and apologies to all of you who have so blindly stumbled into what seemed to be a harmless fanficfic by some desperate Fanboys! fanboy. Boy, were you wrong. I suggest you exercise your skill and precision with a mouse and hit the BACK button as soon as possible.
Oh looky, yer' still here, eh? Well, they're your brain-cells.
Anway, let it be known now that I will be utilizing many characters, names, and other pieces of property that are NOT of my own. Somebody other than myself made them (I'm damn afraid of any legal action what-so-ever). I cannot name names at this point in time for it would simply RUIN :) the plot (or lack thereof). If you do, however, feel the urge to hurt someone, hurt Chaos! He started it! On second thought, hurt Chaos anyway! And a tip when you're reading: just sound it out!
And now the moment you've awaited (or feared)...
LORD RUIN'S FANFICFIC
The story so shameless, it doesn't deserve a title!
Part 1: You Can Run, But We Can Smite.
11:30 a.m. (Does it matter what day?)
Do you know where your Lake God is?
It was a fairly normal morning on Tokyo: the birds were singing, people were heading off to their jobs, and a hundred new cases of stolen had been reported since eleven twenty. Of course this says very little about the state of the situation in the infamous Cursed Apartment, where Dragu Slaves and Cream Lemon flow freely.
Dark Mayhem was cursing his rotten luck as NERV stocks plummeted as a result of Unit-00 going berserk during a sync test. Pesti-chan was trying out his Mako-chan's...
Chaos: "*WHO'S* Mako-chan?"
... new recipe for chicken fried rice. Carnage was cleaning his extensive and well-stocked mecha hanger after a failed attempt to integrate an Electro-Magnetic Scraper onto Escafanboy. Sarcasm-sama had taken a brief break from Ryoga (who had gotten lost in the bed sheets) and did the world a favor by convincing Hysteria to join Chaos in a tea-party, and promptly rolled up the wall-scroll/portal that lead to Chaos' room. Even at this very moment, a faint, "thud" and muffled, "tasukete" could be heard as Chaos once again hurled himself bodily against the door-way. Anarchy
was, well, you probably know. Yup, she's bombed. But you knew that already, didn't you? In that case I don't have to tell you she is drop-dead drunk, thus I won't have to waste valuable space and time telling you that, right. Good, I'm glad that I saved some time...
Fanboys: "Get on with it!"
Oops, gomen. Well, that covers all the basics as pertaining to the location of all our fanboys and girls, ne? What's that you say? What about everyone's favorite hopping hentai? Well, he was curretly in high atmospheric orbit after relieving the entire cast of Gall Forc of their silken treasures.
Dark Mayhem looked up from his paper and mug of coffee as a plume of fire errupted from the kitchen. "Jeez Pesti, you need to calm down. You aren't usually this jumpy."
A rather scorched Lord Pestilence (minus the eyebrows) stumbled out of the kitchen and onto the couch opposite of Mayhem and popped open a can of Hard Lemonade to relax. "Yeah, I should, but I can't but help but feel a little anxious. Aren't you worried?" He asked taking all the contents of the can down in one swig. "Speaking of being worried, isn't it odd how we can drink all of this Hard Lemonade and never seem to get REALLY drunk. I mean it's eleven thirty in the afternoon, and I could drink all day, and I would still be able to..."
"Why the hell should I be worried?" Dark Mayhem cut in, nippng an inevitably long rant in the bud. "I don't know if you've noticed , but we have faced down almost every known threat in the Aniverse, and come out with a severely smited Chaos. Why, the only time I personally have had any real problem is with Charon, and that was a..." Mayhem stopped in mid-sentence as the realization of what he was about to engage in hit him like a 1000 tonne
mallet. "Oh shit, you CANNOT be serious!"
"Yup, we have a fanficfic on our hands," Pesti said after his fourth can, "and the best thing to do right now would be to let Chaos and Hysteria out."
Mayhem, who at this time had quite a large pile of beheaded Charon plushies behind him, looked up quizzically just as he eviscerated another plushy. "Why the hell would we want to do that? They'll just mess up a situation that can't get muck worse!"
An unnaturally evil grin spread across Pesti's face and chuckled. "We are going to need some shields, ne?"
The same wicked smile hit Mayhem (and was promptly smote for hitting him too hard) and he laughed. A lot. He moved to the poster that acted as portal to Chaos' room and removed the key that Sarcasm had given him for the padlock that secured it. Just as Dark Mayhem undid the lock, his, er, her Lordship Chaos flew bodily out of the portal...
...and right into the opposite wall. "Itai," she croaked as she fell from the wall and onto the ground, still twitching something fierce.
"Enter the Dragqueen," Mayhem muttered.
"I would never condemn my worst enemy to that form of torture! Well most, at least. Anyway, a hell of nothing to read but bad Pokemon henatifics is humane as compared to THAT!" Chaos bellowed as she gestured to the poster.
"Um, Chaos, you should move a little to the..." Pesti tried to
"Where is she!?" Chaos shouted, cutting off Pesti in mid warning, "Where is that foul demoness who locked me in there, I'll take her on! Come on! I'll have you know I am an expert in bathtub-fu and I can KYAAAAAAA!" Chaos would have finished his threat (however idle) to Sarcasm, but she was crushed by a stampeding Hysteria.
"Waaaaaahhhhhh! Where is kawaii little Chaos-poppa. I have a kawaii little...OOF-chan!"
"Odd. Hysteria did the exact same thing as Chaos. How peculiarly coincidental," Dark Mayhem tried to say as innocently as possible. In fact, it could almost be interpreted as sarcasm!
Dark Mayhem: (with an incredibly sarcasti tone)"Really, how astute are you?"
Chaos sprang up at this (flinging Hysteria into another wall in the same action) and looked incredibly idignant. "How dare you try to blame me for that," Chaos vaguely gestuers toward the Hysteria shaped hole in the wall as a kawaii little newt emerges (for she had struck a water main). "You shouldn't be pointing fingers Mister Uber-Exploder Wizard newt Boy..."
"This coming from Sailor Cross-Dressing Smite Magnet!" From an equally distressed Mayhem. "Maybe I should just..."
"Children! Children! Please! We have urgent matters to discuss!" Pesti interrurted the argument. "This can't get too out of hand yet. The shamelessly self inserted character hasn't even been introduced yet and all hell is terribly close to breaking loose!"
"What character? A new fanboy isn't scheduled for a while now. That is, unless..." Chaos then developed a wicked twitch and at least a dozen sweat-drops. "You can't be serious, I mean, how do you know? It might not be a shameless self insertion fic. Right?"
"Wrong. Chaos, is there such a thing as a Cursed Fanboys! fanficfic that ISN'T a shameless self insertion fic?"
"Oh yeah. Good Point. But still, you don't really know, right?"
"Writing style is all different. A good two pages in and you've only been smited twice. On any other occasion, you'd have been flattened a dozen times over," Pesti calmly explained.
"Hai, and I would've a ton more panties by now, too!" the Hentenno-sama remarked casually as he twirled a pair of panties on each index finger. At this point the door to Carnage's hangar busted open, and out came Mister Smite Happy Himself.
"Then why are you waiting around here? Allow me to show you the way out. DRAGU SLAVE!" Carnage shouted with a particularly annoyed tone.
Havoc: "Hotchaaaaaaaaaa!" (Cue the Cream Lemon explosion)
As the apartment gained a wonderfully decorative coating cream lemony goodness, Carnage grabbed a six pack of Hard Lemonade from the fridge. "Ya' know, sometimes it just doesn't seem to pay off to smite that pervert. Hey, why does everyone look so grim?" Carnage asked, which was quite a feat, considering everybody was covered head-to-toe in cream lemon.
"We have to survive a fanficfic now," Chaos explained just after Catastrophe and Rampage cleared the room of all the cream, but right before each of the SD Godzilla-thingies latched onto each of his arms. "KYAAAAAAAA! Get 'em off! Oh, for the love of Kami-sama, get 'em off!"
"I don't think a kawaii little fanficfic-chan can be too bad. What's wrong with some kawaii author-momma or author-poppa to have kawaii tea party-chans with!" Hysteria proclaimed as she produced a kawaii little kettle from her hammer space-chan.
"I hate, and let me emphasive the HATE part, to agree with her, but I can't see how a simple thing like a fanficfic would cause so much trouble!" Carnage admitted to some very irate fanboys.
"That's too damn easy for you two to say! In fanficfics, the grammar and spelling are atrocious, you are never in character , and they'll try to steal your anime babe!" Dark Mayhem expounded.
"Or try to get you in bed!" Pesti exclaimed.
"Or try to smite you! A lot!" Chaos shrieked.
"Oh, come now. You have me here! If it get's too out of hand, I'll just blow his or her ass to next Friday!" Carnage happily explained as he drained another can. The other fanboys, however, were not as enthusiastic. "Well, what do we do now?"
"We wait..." Pesti said, doing his best Gendo Ikari impression (hand thing and all!).
No sooner had he said that when a faint whistling sound could be heard, like an incoming object.
"6 or 7 feet long, can't tell the width, 100-200 lbs., irregular shape, probably high caliber," Carnage described, his head cocked toward the sound.
"How do you know?" Chaos asked, looking even more confused than ever.
"Please. After you hang around enough Weapons 'o Mass Destruction long enough, you start being able to identify this kind of stuff..." his eyes widened slightly then narrowed, "...it's humanoid and coming this way. Havoc?"
Well, Carnage was mostly right, for whatever it was did indeed plummet through the ceiling and used Chaos' head as the perfect crash mat. Fortunately (if you're an anime babe) or unfortunately (if you're the Hentenno-sama), most resemblences ended then and there (we will also consider ourselves lucky because Carnage did not Dragu Slave this individual, rendering it unrecognizable to anyone other than an autopsy expert). This individual had the likeness of Kensuke Aida, but was decked out in gray khakis, loose gray shirt, and a slick black trench coat (a la Radinov). Still perched upon Chaos' head, he made an elegant bow, took a few quick looks around the room, and quickly reached his
coat, grabbing for something. After a few tense moments, he withdrew a CD, and placed it into the fanboys' stereo. After a few seconds, the music started, and the person began doing an odd dance that can best be described as a break-dancing version of Minks' trade-mark dance.
I feel it's needless to say that SD takes and face vaults ensued (then again, I obviously felt the need to mention it, considering the fact that I wrote it down. Tee hee!). After the fanboys and fangirl gathered their collective wits (or whatever was left) and decided to find ot the identity of this mysterious fanboy. "Um, excuse me, I hate to be rude but, just who the fuck are you!?" Dark Mayhem said, taking the initiative.
It was at this point that the intruder actually noticed the fanboys gathered around him. "Oh, how ever do yoo doo? Wonderfull whether, yes? Simply marvelus! Y, the last thyme eye saw weather like this was that time I whent and..."
"Shut up! Look, you should better identify yourself before I have to go and Dragu Slave your ass into the Stone Age!" Carnage interrupted, a vein bulging in his forehead. The stranger walked right up to Carnage and looked him right inthe eye.
"You no, Smyte Mazter Karnage, that furst impreshins r the most lasting, and kwite frankly, your impression of Lina Inverse kinda' suckz. It wood not hert u two make an atempt to bee more poe-light, ya' know. And mite I ad that at this poynt in time, your breth is preddy rank. Smells like you eight a raw..."
"Is that a threat?"Carnage said. "I don't take to kindly to threats." Pesti, Hysteria, and Mayhem all backed away as they saw the Fireball accumulating in Carnage's hand. Chaos didn't even notice as he inspected the CD.
Chaos: O.o "Perfect Bue Monday?"
At Carnage's growled threat, the strangers' demeanor shifted dramatically, from threatening to genuinely friendly. "Perish the thawt! I couldn't make a thret if my lyfe depended on it. I usuallee just haul off and and do something like this," The fanboy whipped out something big from his trench coat and whacked Chaos through the wall with it. Before they could ask what in the world it was, it disapeared back into his coat and he continued. "Butt onnestly fokes, would you mind looking att this thing on mai foot? I don't know, I think it May b a Korn ore something." At this, the stranger (in every sense of the word) began to remove his shoe. By now, Pesti thought it expedient to try to ease the situation before Carnage went all out on this person and had their pay check for the year 2065 collected for repairs.
"We'll look at your feet later. Right now we just need to know who you are and where you came from," Pesti sighed, trying to ease the situation to a point where a cough wouldn't trigger Carnage to flip out.
"My werd! Whair are my manners?" The person shouted and proceeded to pull all manner of objects from his trench-coat: bottled water, tire iron, night-light, toe-nail clippers, N2 mine, Dragonball, pen with Naga the White Serpent on it (Looky! If you turn it upside down, her battle bikini comes off! Tee Hee!), small metal briefcase, bag of marbles (O, eye thawt I lost thoas), purple and green Leisure Suit, bottle of Absolute Saki, two bowling balls, lava lamp, Chaos...
Pesti: O.o; "What were you doing in there?
Chaos: "Trust me, you don't wanna' know.
...vial labeled "Spring of Drowned Hedgehog," pillow, SDAT, string of Christmas lights... "Ah ha! Hear thay are," the individual giggled, holding a small container that would hold pills, but had "Mannerz" scrawled on it in black permanent marker. The person downed all the contents and gave a little twitter of laughter. "Liik I wuz saying. I am the grate Lord Ruin, knowne threw-aut the Aniverse for my innkrediblee ewneek smell and apallingly bad grammur!" the newly revealed fanboy proclaimed mightily. That is, of course if he hadn't been obscured from all fields of vision due to all the sweat-drops hanging in the air and articles of junk.
Mayhem could barely contain his incredulity, "You mean YOU are the shamelessly inserted avatar for this fanficfic?"
By this time Chaos was a complete wreck due to all the grammatical errors, "I can barely understand this freak at all!"
"Allow me to remedy that. DRAGU SLAVE!"
And out Ruin flew. Carnage took a while to admire his handy work, "Where ever he lands, there shall he be buried." His pride soon faded as a grinning Ruin appeared (albeit charred to a crisp) right behind him. "What the? How did you get back here?"
With some vigorous head shaking and dismissive gestures, Ruin happily said "Don't werry your prettee lil' fanboi hed over itt. All will bee eksplaned. Now, like I waz say-ying, I halve this vishuss hang-nail I was hoaping you could look at."
Chaos: I thought you had a corn!
Ruin: A corn? Whut ever poze-essed you to say sum-thing like that? I have no corn, or anee Vegeta-ables at all for that madder!
Dark Mayhem: Hey, how the hell did we get into rapid dialogue mode?
Ruin: My fick, my roolz!
Hysteria: Weeeeee! Kawaii little rapid dialogue-chan!
Carnage: (Very irate) I just knew you couldn't stay away for very long.
Ruin: Y0u thynk that's bad, tri this!
*Hey! What happened to the identifiers?
*Now I'm really confused
*You mean you weren't before?
*Who said that?
*Who is "I"?
*We have to find Ruin and make him stop
*But which of us is he?
*There he is!
*THERE! One, no, two lines up!
*Hey! That's my line!
*Know, itz mine!
Suddenly, normal writing style appeared, and the fanboys breathed a thankful sigh of relief. "Whell, that sher was fun, wasn't itt?" Ruin happily exclaimed from his perch on the TV. "Woww, ive nevur had thiz mutch fun in a fic beefore."
Carnage looked irately at the new Fanboy, and once again annihilated the fanboy that had brought so much confusion to the series thus far. "DRAGU SLAVE!"
"That got 'im for sure. He never even saw it comin' Yeah, he won't..." Carnage was disrupted in the middle of his victory speech by Ruin (blackened to an almost ludicrous level, but none the less happy) tapping on his shoulder.
"Ever get the fealing that yore Dragu Slaive just duzn't have the kik it uzed to?"
"Well kick this! DRAGU SLAVE!"
By now Carnage was thuroughly shaken by this odd turn of events. "I got him, right? Right?'
"Raung. But a good atempt nun the less." Ruin proclaimed, now barely a walking grease-spot. "Iz it me, or R your lims startting to tyngle? Feals like, like, like fantabulous!"
"He's as bad as Havoc!"
"Aw shuks paw, twernt' nuttin'!"
Carnage was about to lay down some serious fire power as he dug into his pockets for some very nasty mecha, when Pestilence (ever the moderator) stepped in and took what little control there was of the situation. "Ruin," he began in a tone one would use to address a two-year-old, "why don't you tell us where you came from and why you're here?"
"Gladlee!" Ruin then jumped down from the TV and into a chair. He then pulled out a large book from within his trench-coat. Ruin cleared his throat and was about to begin, when he shouted to no-one in particular "Q the flash-back seen!"
Low-and-behold, the scene blurred and then was replaced by a scene of total blackness.
Ruin: (Narrating) Inn the beginnning, their was nuthing, Then, there wuzs Anime.
At this there was a brilliant flash, and scenes from almost every Anime began flashing
Havoc: Hotcha! Flashing!
Ruin: Nott that kined! Anee-way, Thingz progressed smooothly, untill, the berth of the Avatar. This heralded the start of the best and the wurst times in the Aniverse. Avatars kame and went, all abuzing there powerz, but stoping (bearly) schort of omnipotense. Thenn… thair was Ruin.
The scene now shows Ruin, but, different.
Ruin: This Avatar had absoelootly no shaem at all. Hee blaatently uzed his powers to ferthur his owne kneeds and dezires.
Scenes of Ruins' most gratuitously shameless fics are now shown. One may ask, "How bad can it possibly be?" Well it's so bad that I won't even attempt to describe them (that was a clever way of avoiding useless details. Oops! Am I thinking/typing out loud again? Oh well. Tee hee!) . Imagine it this way: Think of everything you've ever wanted to do in the Aniverse, but were afraid to say anything because of all the flames, death-threats, and assassination attempts that would ensue. Okay, got that in your head? This is worse. Ruin leans over and nudges Carnage slightly.
Ruin: Thats Y I woodn't trie enny more gratooiduss smytes. Any way, hiz rampent exployts reeched a poynt wher the Powers That Be finalee deamed it nessessarryy to inturvene.
The scene is now of Ruin standing before a council of beings of immense power that rule the Aniverse. However, these individuals do not have any distinguishing features.
Ruin: Thay new that Rooin mussed B stopped, butt he had develupped anne inkredibull amownt of ener-G. 2 deestroi him wood unleesh the power and cawz massiv damnage. Thuss, they toock away all his sanidy. They then releesed him, hopping that he wood noww be harmluss. Not so.
The scene is now of the insane Avatar causing destruction and confusion with wreckless abandon. Ruin crashes from Anime to Anime, making a complete and utter mess every-where he traveled
Ruin: The Powers That Be were now fased with a diff-occult problum: where too put him? Awthurs were asked two plaise him in their series and then doo with him watt thae pleezed. Obviusly, know-1 wanted Ruin. Thatz when an auther with a kawaii all-femail writing staff offered to take the way-ward fanboy. Eevfen bedder, he wood alllow the mad fanboy run loos. The Powers That Be noo immeed-E-eight-lee reelized that Ruin would be purrfect there. Soe, hear ai am!
Fanboys: Curse the Author!
"Why exactly are you still allowed to write pieces of fanfiction?" Carnage asked irately.
"Ah, 'tis the Anime 'Catch 22 1/2'" Ruin explained.
"The Anime Catch 22 1/2 states that; (now reading from the book) 'No author shall be allowed to compose pieces of fanfiction if he or she is mentally unsound.'"
Fanboys: Thank Kame!
Chaos: Yes, they've tried to stop me many a time like that. But I just show them one of these babies!
[Chaos brandishes a brand new Chaosfic]
Pesti: What's this? "Shinji Muyo"? You are not serious.
Havoc: "No Need For Shinji?" Where? Where?
Carnage: Right here! GAAV FLARE!