"Forchoonately, I M sane enuff two no that I would have to B crazee to right more fanfiks. So, hear I am, as demented as eye started!"
"So we have to suffer through your unique brand of madness for the rest of the fanficfic," Dark Mayhem asked the chair where Ruin had been sitting. "Hey, where did the little punk head off to?"
Mayhem was answered by a loud crash from the television. As the fanboys looked on, they saw that Ruin had wasted no time in installing a "Neon Sega Genesis Evangelion" to the TV and was happily wailing away on the controller. Pesti looked closely then asked, "What are you playing?"
"Crying Rockman!" Ruin replied happily.
At this point an SD form of Lord Ruin pops in. "Hullo there! K-aus and Darc Shnider both refussed to due the eksplanashun byt so ime here! As you may n0, 'Crying Freeman' is a relativlee popular manga and anime basikallee dezined fer' the tipical hormone drivven yung mail. However, what is 'Rockman'? you mite ax? Rockman is the Japanese name fer the Bloo Bommer himself, Megaman! Wheel have moore of theeze liddle videogame/anime X-over
'splanation bits later!"
back to the madness at hand…
"He's as bad as you are Chaos!" Carnage snapped.
Chaos then whipped out a script and held it proudly. "You'll change your mind with this little piece of literary gold," he proclaimed triumphantly. "In the proud tradition of 'Gundam: War in the Pocket Monster' I bring you 'Gundam: Charmander's Counterattack!'"
"SACRILEGE!" Carnage proclaimed and promptly dropped a "Doshka" Labor on Lord Chaos.
"How about the latest manga master-piece by the Hentenno-sama himself! I proudly present 'Bondage Fairy Princess Ren'!" Havoc-chan proudly declared as she popped up from Carnage's collar.
"Get off of me! Grrr, take this! RA TILT!"
"Hotcha! Rei and Miyu will do anything for these. And I mean ANYTHING!" Havoc-chan said as she held onto Carnage's boxer shorts and flew into low orbit.
"Hurting... stop... when?"
"Not anytime soon, the way this fic is going," Dark Mayhe, replied all too calmly.
By this time Pesti-chan noticed that Ruin seemed unusually pacified as he played his video game. "Hey guys, we need to talk," Pesti said and then motioned for the fanboys to join him. "Okay, I think we'll all be allot safer if we just let that Ruin guy play those games. If we just stick it out for a while, this fic will be over without further incedent."
"Um, guys, eye think I neglekted to menschen that the Powers That Be gave me something to bring bach with me. They sed it beelaungs heer," Ruin mentioned casually taking a brief pause from playing "Biohazard Hunter"
The SD form of Ruin pops upp agen. "Hay there all U reederz. Conphused? Well, Biohunter is an anime about the eksploits of to Molecular Biologists (bett yer suprized that I spellt that korektlly!) who kombat the eval 'Demon Virus.' Biohazard is the Japanese name for the orijinal 'Survival Horror' game 'Resident Evil'! M I good, or wat?"
Fanboys: Or what
At this point in time, huge crash and a monstrous roar could be heard across the city as a huge plume of smoke and rubble erupted a few miles to the east. "What the hell is THAT?" Dark Mayhem exclaimed.
Ruin looked up for a second, "Yah, thatz probubly it."
All the fanboys gathered around the window nearest the explosion.
Carnage: Gundamit! What is that?
Ruin: [In an appallingly bad British accent] Crikeys Binky, I think we've bought it!
Havoc: Holy Happosai!
Dark Mayhem: Oh no, not that!
Pesti: It's terrible!
Chaos: It's huge!
Hysteria: It's so kawaii!
Ruin: It's the I-Catch!
CUE THE EYE-CATCH!!!
I hoped you liked that. Mya ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.... ha *(cough)* ha ha ha *(wheeze)* ha haaaaaaa *(hack)* *(deep breath)* Ha! There will be more. Oh yes, there WILL be more.
I would like to offer my thanks to His Lordship Chaos for creating such fun characters to man-handle. It's just way too fun to smite Chaos or make Carnage incredibly pissed off!
Everything thusly or to be used belongs to thier proper owners and the like, not me. Of note; "No Need For Shinji" belongs to Shinji The 10 O'Clock Assassin.
It's simpy fantabulous, ne? >;^)
In order to put myself on good terms with the audience, I would like to present you with this genuine Ruin free SongFic!
[Cue The SongFic]
Chaos: [tapping a microphone] Check, 1, 1, 2,...
Chaos: I came into this world as a reject, look into these Bambi eyes and you'll see the size of the pain, smitings in the past, it's swelling up my brain...
Chaos: ...everyone that gets crushed has to learn from the pain. Hey, I live another day, my author ran away with my pay. My fanboys came to play, now Mako's stuck with my Pesti, and she
Pesti: ^-^ Hai!
Riot: ...now he's just a sucker with a lump on his head.
Carnage: Like a chump
Pesti: Like a chump
Mayhem :Like a chump
Sarcasm: Like a chump
Anarchy: Like a chump
Hysteria: Like a chump-chan
Havoc: Like a chump
Chaos: Should a be feelin' bad
Chaos: Should I be feelin' good
Chaos: It's kind of sad I'm the laughing stock of the Aniverse, and you would think that I would be moving on...
Chaos: ...but I'm a sucker like I said, smote in the head.
Chaos: And maybe she just made a mistake, and I should give her a grope, my head'll ache either way. Hey, what the hell you want me to say? I won't die, that I can't deny!
Chaos: I did it all for the Senshi!
Pesti: Come On!
Chaos: The Senshi!
Mayhem: Come On!
Chaos: But she ran off with my trainee, and he smote me up the...
Chaos: And smote me with the...
Chaos: And smote me through the...
Chaos: And smote me in the...
Chaos: I did it all for the Senshi!
Pesti: Come On!
Chaos: The Senshi!
Mayhem: Come On!
Chaos: But she ran off with my trainee, so I'll smite him up
Chaos: And smite him with the...
Chaos: And smite him through the...
Chaos: And smite him in the...
The songfic is abruptly ended by a massive Rumblequake.
(The original tune and lyrics belong to Limp Bizkit. I aplogize profusely about this, but it had to be done!)
RuinFic: Part 2
Contractual Intro. Bit:
Well bless my little fanboy soul! You've come for seconds.
You are either incredibly brave or you're a fool. But, I'm not one to point fingers! Now down to business.
You know the deal: The original fanboys and the such are the property of his Lordship Chaos (kame bless his twisted little mind). Any other Anime characters and video-games are owned by the people who created them (rest assured, they aren't mine. Okay?) And a word to the wise when reading the fic: Just sound it out
Alrighty then, let's get it on!
But first, in compliance with fanboy commercial interludes,
Lord Ruin brings you this trailerfic!
In October Of 1994, a small group of adventurers disapeared in the woods near Burkittsville, Maryland while searching for a mystical tomb.
A year later, their story was found by a Cursed Fanboy.
[On the screen, a huge close-up of a very upset person, obviously a female, can be seen, filling two-thirds of the screen]
"I just want to say I'm so sorry I ever let Zelgadis talk us into this. But it was my fault we got lost out here, and I am so sorry. No matter what Gourry says now, I know it's my fault. And now we're out in the middle of no-where, cold, hungry, very hungry, and hunted and hungry..."
"WOH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH!"
"Oh god, what was that?"
"Lina! Put out the Lightening Spell! Put it OUT!"
[Screen goes completly black]
THE CLAIRE BIBLE PROJECT
Part 2: They Smite Be Giants!
Now then, where did we leave off? His insane Lordship Ruin paid a visit to Chaos and the others. He raised a little hell and Carnages' blood-pressure, but nothing too terribly serious. That is, until a building on the east side of Tokyo was destroyed by a force yet to be identified. This force was brought here by Ruin from another anime, and it once belonged with the fanboys.
Do you know what it is?
I'll give you a hint: It's Havoc's fault.
5…4…3…2…1… Time's up!
Got it yet? Yes or no, let's kick this fanfic into high gear (Wow! Did that sound cool or what?)
Chaos and the other fanboys whirled around and glared viscously at the fanboy who had practically glued himself right in front of the television. "How could you bring that thing back? We were nearly destroyed the last time we had to deal with that thing!" A very SD Chaos exclaimed, flailing his tiny SD limbs so fast they were blurs and he was hovering a few feet off the ground.
"It's so kawaii!" A happy little Hysteria exclaimed. "It's made of… panty-chans?"
Yeah, Michael's out of the bag now. The famous monster formed from the combination of a Hiryu Shoten Bra attack and the perverse powers of Red Queen Kasumi is back to terrorize our off-beat heroes. But here's the twist: It's bigger now. We're talking Godzilla or EVA big.
"What in the name of Death Scythe is THAT?!" Carnage hissed.
"And can I blow it away?"
Author's Note: I would like to apologize to his lord Carnage at this time. I really do admire his mecha collection and almost holy crusade against Havoc. But, in my opinion, he's the closest thing to a strait-man this series has. And that, to me at least, just cries out to be harassed. Pesti would be it, but he has been in the series too long to be phased (seriously) by anything like this.
"That, my dear Carnage, is a piece of art!" Havoc proudly proclaimed.
"How did it get so big?"
"Tis' a fine question," Havoc began. "You see, all the latent hentai energy that was infused into this creature kind of made it into a walking lingerie magnet," Havoc wiped away a stray tear, "Kinda' makes you fell all warm and creamy inside, ne?"
"The bra monster-chan looks very kawaii!" Hysteria proclaimed once again. Suddenly the constant sound that had been issuing from the area of the television stopped, and the apartment became very quiet. Ruin looked away from his game of "Suikoden Densetsu"…
You guessed it! An SD Ruin drops from the ceiling to explain yet another obscure video game name. "Greetingz! Welcum too anuther installment of 'Naim That Craus-Over'! Ferst of all, 'Demon Century Suikoden' is an anime about a yung marshel artest hoo has come to a poast apokalyptik Tokyo to fynd his sizter. Frum that point on, thee plott takes allot of weerd twizts that eye will knot go in-2. 'Saiken Densetsu' is the Japanese name fore the
modurn SNES classik, 'Secret Of Mana'"
…and just stared at Hysteria. After a few very tense minutes passed (and went directly to their Masseuse, for these minutes were VERY tense) a huge grin spread across Ruins' face. He then launched himself bodily at Hysteria screaming, "Hysteria-momma!"
Face-vault isn't the correct term for what the fanboys did as Ruin bowled Hysteria over in a huge hug. Hysteria was as confused as someone who has been told they need to write a psycho-analytic paper on "End of Evangelion."
"What did you say? She's WHAT??!! Aaargh! The world has gone insane and I'm stuck in the middle of it. I'm...I'm..." Carnage then promptly fainted dead away.
Pesti-chan looked at Ruin. "You killed him."
"O, come n0w. Ai honestlee cant beeleeve you phell for that! Eye just thawt it wood be funnee. Geeze, ewe have too kalm daun und taek sum depe brethz." Ruin explained as he pealed a flattened Hysteria and Chaos off himself (Chaos hadn't the wits to get out of the way).
"Kalm, er, calm down?" Dark Mayhem cut in. "How the hell do you suppose we do that? There is a huge bra beast that's making a B-line for this apartment and you want us to calm down?…" Mayhem realized the significance of what he just said. "Um, just why is it coming this way? Do I have to hurt you for it?"
"Itz kind uv pissed becawz whee jerked it in-2 thiss seerees as it was tear-or-rising the cast o' Megami Paradise . Rite now it iz in a fit of raej, willing to o-bliter-8 every-thing in its site."
"Why is it coming here?"
"We do need 2 git thee plot mooving, ne?"
"Oh goody. Well you brought it here, you should have some idea of how to get rid of it right?" Carnage asked.
"Oh yeah! Eye due halve sum-thyng! The Powers That Be gave me instrucshuns. Now, if I can onlee find it." Ruin again began o rifle through his trench-coat.
"Well, while mister Grammar finds that, we should brain-storm," Pesti suggested. At this point he watched a rather unimpressive display of idiocy as Chaos was promptly struck by lightning.
Chaos: Run Away!
Dark Mayhem: HALLOWEEN!
Hysteria: Kawaii tea party-chan!
Carnage: Dragu Slaves and Mecha
Pesti: I'm with him!
Havoc: DOJI FEST!
Anarchy: "Sake and karaoke!"
Sarcasm: Why the hell am I here? I have bishounen to pamper me.
Fanboys: THAT DOESN'T HELP
Ruin: Know, reelee! Thatz wut thee innstrukshins say!
They all sat and pondered for a second… or least made the attempt to look like they were thinking. Pesti was the first to speak up. "Hey, has anyone seen Anarchy lately?"
"No, and u won't. Sheez playing the 'Lord Ruin Drinking Game'! Every time eye spelll sumthyng rong, she chugs Sake!"
"I guess we won't see her for a very long time then."
After a few more moments of quiet meditative thinking (or something, I guess) Pesti gave a resigned sigh and said,"As much as I fear for the welfare of the city and our pay-checks for the next four decades, I think Carnage's idea is the best."
"I hate to agree, but I do think an all out smite-travaganza only Carnage can produce is in order to deal with this." Mayhem sighed (looking more or less a little excited himself).
"Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Now is my chance to show the world the power of Carnage! YES! Smiting is good! Smiting is fun! Is it hot in here, or is it just me?" All the fanboys slowly edged away from Carnage as his aura o' Mass Destruction flared.
"Hey, not all of us have agreed to this!" Chaos cried pathetically. "Maybe you haven't noticed, but any-time we try something like this, I WILL get crushed, squashed, detonated, and generally obliterated in the process!" Despite this, the remaining fanboys simply shrugged and began to plan their assault. "Gee, your concern for my safety truly moves me."
"Aw, don't werry Kay-Oss, ime here, and marc my werds, you will never go hungree again, and their will B a wedge o' hatahata in evree garage!"
"Get away from me."
"And mite I ad that that dres looks absolutlee fantabulous on you!"
"Why, thank you. I thought that it looked good on Ami, so I tried it on, and you're right. I look great!"
"I knew that dress looked familiar. And Chaos, you might as well wear it right and get in your female form," Dark Mayhem added irately. At this Chaos became very dejected simply because he used what little was left after his last pay-check to purchase the dress.
"U no what you nead?" Ruin happily commented, despite Chaos' evident depression, "You kneed this!" At this, Ruin presented Chaos with a nicely wrapped box, with ribbon and all.
"Wow Ruin, this is real nice. I wonder what it could be?" Chaos shredded the paper and was reduced to huge Bambi eyes. "The Lake God! Wow, this is the best present ever!" By now all the other fanboys were paying attention.
"Heerz the kard, reed it," Ruin presented Chaos with the envelope.
" 'Dear Sailor Star Polaris, I hate karaoke' ? That doesn't make sense." Chaos still wore the same confused expression as he was simultaneously struck by an AT field, octopus, and a Gentle Uterus.
"Nice setup and delivery," Carnage casually commented.
"I tri. Now have ewe scene mai pants? Ai sware they were hear bee-4."
"You're wearing them."
"Wel1 isle be dammed! Yer write! N0w, iff yoo will eks-cues me, I beleave I will go and eat Mokona! 'Tis a fine eye-deeya. Yes, I no. Well then, shalll oui be off? Yez, whee shell. All-rite." And Ruin happily skipped of with himself.
"That is one fucked up kid," Dark Mayhem commented in the action of avoiding all the various sweat-drops that had developed during Ruins' monologue.
"You just noticed that NOW?" Pesti asked.
Carnage: "ANYWAY, I think our best option on handling this thing would probably be a full mecha assault. We'll open with Eva Units 00, 01, and 02, then we can sweep in with five or so squads of Valkyries, follow through with some Labors (barring any berserking rages), flank with a dozen or so Gundam units, then..."
Pesti: "Carnage! Stop. You're drooling. Anyway, that's too much. There are only five of us fully capable of operating any form of mecha at all. We'd need an entire army of competent pilots, and we have about two hours before the city is reduced to rubble by that thing!"
(To punctuate the point, another large explosion could be heard off in the distance).