The fic is out there....

Chaos: "Ano...isn't the fic in here?"

Pesti: [sigh!] "Here a fic, there a fic."

Dark Mayhem: "Everywhere a fic where Chaos gets smited."

Chaos: ^-^ "Hai! I get smited every--(o.O) HEY!!"

Pesti: "Well it's true."

         [Cue the oversized Gentle Uterus that crashes through the ceiling and crushes Chaos!]

Pesti: "See?"

Chaos: [twitch twitch!] "I would, but my eyeballs have just popped right out of their sockets."

Carnage: [shaking his head] "Now that's just disgusting."

Hysteria: "Waaah! Poor kawaii little Hysteria's got an eyeball-chan stuck to her kawaii frilly apron-chan!"

Dark Mayhem: [inspecting Hysteria's apron] "Hey, wait a minute! This is Desolation's eyeball!"

Desolation: [from off the page] "And I'd like that back, please! My depth perception is waaaay off now."

Chaos: "But what about me? I'm blind!"

Carnage: "Open your eyes, you moron!"

Chaos: o.O [blink blink!] "I can see!!"

         [Chaos strikes a triumphant pose!]

Chaos: "Ha! In your face, Sailor Star Pol--!"

Gentle Uterus: *WHAM!!*

Pesti: [looking down at the twitching remains o' Chaos] "Well this is proving be a wondrous waste of the obligatory intro bit."

Carnage: "So what else can we feature here?"

Havoc: ^-^ [boing!] "Hotcha! The Hentenno's back, and this time he's created the ultimate Playstation game! Who wants to ask me what it is?"

Carnage: "What the hell makes you think we'd care, you freak?!"

Havoc: "Ah, I see we have a willing volunteer right there. You, the one wiping his Gundam down with a diaper!"

Carnage: o.O "What's going on?"

         [Charon and Kintaro shove Carnage forward, setting him down in front of a bigscreen television set.]

Havoc: [handing Carnage a control pad] "Welcome to the game of Bubblegum Snap. You play the lovable ecchi brother Mackie as he tries to take pictures of his sister and the other Knight Sabers while they're nekkid!"

Fanboys: o.O

         [Chaos, Pesti-chan & Dark Mayhem immediately dive for cover!]

Pesti: >.< "Here comes the hentaicane."

Chaos: [cowering beneath his umbrella] "Carnage is gonna throttle Havoc into the asteroid belt for this!"


Chaos: [warily looking around] "Na ni? Where's the Dragu Slave? Where's the Buster Beam?"

Dark Mayhem: "Carnage, aren't you going to smite the game?"

Carnage: [snapping a Priss nekkid flash!] "Actually, this is frighteningly addictive."

         [Cue Red Queen Rei & Dominatrix Miyu!]

Red Queen Rei: "Akito, how dare you play hentai games when you've got me as your girlfriend!"

Dominatrix Miyu: "You'll have to be punished for this, Carnage-chan."

Carnage: o.O;; "Eep."

         [Carnage leaps into his nearest Gundam, and the Red Queens give chase. Cue the gratuitous whipping scene!]

Pesti: [sweatdrop!] "I've never seen a super-deformed Gundam call a Senshi 'Queen' before."

Dark Mayhem: "Hai hai...but that SD Gundam's also pulverizing most of downtown Tokyo."

Chaos: [lament!] "Good-bye, paychecks for the year 2798!"

Pandemonium: [stomping onto the intro bit] "Okay, that's it! I've had enough of having to clean up your self-gratuitous messes. Stop the insanity right now!"

Dark Mayhem: "Excuse me, and you are?"

Pandemonium: [with naughty tentacles of justice!] "Your worst nightmare."

Fanboys: o.O "KOWAI!!"

         [Cue the SD Double Feature!!]

         The region of Mt. Tama was changing rapidly.
         Expansion of Tokyo saw the lush forests of the mountainside giving way to large stretches of suburbia. Yet this change was not coming easily; there appeared to be protesters unusual sort. The Japanese government was at a loss for an explanation, and needed answers for the unrelenting press. A joint project with the US saw city officials
contacting the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
         Two agents who specialized in this sort of paranormal activity were called in. A black, unmarked car pulled up to the base of Mt. Tama. Its occupants quietly surveyed the scenery before them, a stark contrast of green growth and asphalt roads.
         "So, Mulder," Scully idly inquired. "What's this assignment about anyways?"
         Contentedly munching away on his stash of sunflower seeds, Mulder leaned back in the driver's seat of their rental car. "We're here to investigate the strange disturbances in this area, believed to be caused by the Tanuki."
         Scully frowned, her brow furrowing. "Tanuki?"
         Mulder nodded. "Ghost sightings, unexplained accidents, and a mysterious ghoulish parade; they all point to the Tanuki retaliating against the city trying to develop their land."

Scully: [deadpan] "We came all this way to Japan to investigate a bunch of shape-shifting raccoons?"

Mulder: "The truth is out there, Scully. Even in the old woods of folklore and superstition."

Scully: [still deadpan] "We came here to investigate a bunch of shape- shifting raccoons with big testicles, who beat their bellies like drums?"

Mulder: "Yeah, pretty much."

Scully: [a pause] "I'll wait in the car."

His lordship Chaos presents


1st Absurdity: THE F! FILES

         It was night.
         Everything was quiet.
         And then suddenly, the streets of Tokyo were rocked by a fierce explosion, flames and black smoke belching upwards into the sky. A few seconds later, a second explosion followed. And then a third one. Debris was raining down as smoke poured through the alleyways. And oblivious to the property damage it was causing, the source continued to carve its path of destruction.
         A visible trail was being made through the heart of the city by a merciless being of pure evil, one that knew neither remorse nor mercy. It was relentless and would not stop until its hellish mission had been completed.
         There was only one force that could deal with such a thing.
         The AD Police were called in to destroy the infernal machine. Within minutes of the first explosion going off, squad cars and riot vans were forming a blockade of guns and flashing lights. One-man copters were flying overhead, ready to give aerial cover for the ground troops.
         One cruiser pulled up, its driver's door opening up to reveal the buffed body and slicked-back hair belonging to one of AD Police's most respected and famous officers.
         "What are we looking at?" Leon asked, walking up to the front lines of the blockade.
         "What else? It's another run-amok Boomer," another officer replied.
         Leon scowled. "Kuso. Hasn't GENOM learned by now how to keep the damned things under control?"
         Suddenly another explosion went off, the fireball rising directly in front of the blockade. AD Police scrambled in every direction to get behind safe cover, loading their weapons and aiming the barrels at the flames.
         Leon stood perfectly still as he saw something emerge unscathed from the flames. His eyebrow couldn't help but involuntarily twitch at the sight presented before him. "What the hell?" he muttered.
         "Just what kind of Boomer is this?!" someone exclaimed.

ChibiChibi Hyper-Boomer: [shake shake shake!] "Chibi!"

         At the risk of stating the blatantly obvious, the next few minutes of firefight proved only one thing: no matter how hard they try, the AD Police force will always get its ass whupped.
         Rookie cops shrieked upon being subjected to the incessant "chibi" chants, throwing themselves through metal, brick or glass just to make the hurting stop. Veteran officers screamed madly and fired their guns in every direction upon hearing the background music accompanying the ChibiChibi Hyper-Boomer's entrance. The pilots of the attack copters lost control and plunged to the ground. On the bright side, though, their flaming debris made quite a pretty bonfire in the streets.
         Leon swore under his breath as he hastily checked the chamber of his 3-shell Magnum cannon. Boomers were notorious for their dent-resistant armor plating. Usually these shells would manage to blow away part of the damned cyborgs; he could only hope he didn't lose his mind before he had a chance to shoot.
         Abruptly a black Sedan pulled up to the blockade. From one of the rear doors emerged a young--not to mention incredibly voluptuous-woman who bore a near uncanny resemblance to a certain Urushihara creation.
(Read: courtesy breast moment! Courtesy breast moment! With fully detailed nipples too. ^^)
         "I'll take it from here," she stated, removing the sunglasses from over her eyes.
         "The hell you will, Pandemonium!" Leon snapped. "This is a basic Boomer malfunction, not an F! File for you to strip search and dissect. The AD...Police...."
         His train of thought abruptly crashed into the platform, killing hundreds of innocent, bystanding synapses as his eyes looked up to her insanely spunky orange hair. His eyes then drifted downwards to her very very VERY ample cleavage (did we mention just how Gainax-endowed she was?), quite literally in his face.
         It was a wonder the buttons on that blouse of hers managed to stay on at all. But if they didn't, no doubt the strain from her bosoms against the fabric would cause said buttons to reach terminal velocity within seconds, thus leaving them fully able to punch through solid concrete with the greatest of ease.
         But that's not what's important right now. isn't. Honest.
         I'm being serious here. Really, I am.
         Okay okay, so your author's lying. How about we just pretend that big-breasted babes are not their own Anime sub-genre? Can we do that for just a minute?
         --;; No, I see we cannot.
         But we otaku tried, and that's what really counts.
         Anyhoo, Leon snapped out of his reverie as he heard another frantic shriek. "We're handling the situation within normal parameters, Commander. We *are* the special ops unit; there's no need to panic."
         A sweatdrop appeared next to his head as yet another explosion was triggered, flinging AD Police through the air and into the second and third floors of a very trendy dance club. Well, it used to be a very trendy dance club.
         "A-Ano...we have that Boomer right where we want her?" he ventured.
         Pandemonium rolled her eyes. "Rookies," she muttered, pushing past Leon. Her eyes narrowed as she spotted her quarry shaking its booty from across the street. "Damn. That's the fifth one to go berserk tonight. Looks like I'll
have to break out the big guns."

         [Cue the big-ass Beam Cannons popping out from her sleeves!]

ChibiChibi Hyper-Boomer: [shake your booty!] "Chibi?"

Pandemonium: "Shake this."

*         *         *

         Elsewhere in the wild wild world of the Fanboys, strange things were happening. Such as Carnage maniacally cackling at his latest feat of mobile suit overkill. Then again, anything strange for any fanboy is pretty normal in this series. So that would mean that only normal things were strange...despite the fact that in being strange, it would also be

Carnage: [impatient SD fanboy] "Are you done ranting yet? I can't sit here drooling over my creation forever."

         Anyhoo, Carnage had the most diabolical grin on his face as he stared up at the towering form of the EVA Hell Custom. "Yes! YES!! Am I just *the* kickass mecha otaku or what?" he exclaimed, doing a peculiar dance that only proved he couldn't dance.
         Chaos simply stared up at the modified EVA unit 04. "I still don't see what you did to improve it."
         Carnage facevaulted.
         "Well, of course you can't see it," he stated, pulling out his handheld monitoring screen. "Last time, there was a little conflict between the defensive array and the power system."
         "A *little* conflict?" crackled Pesti-chan's voice over the intercom. "Carnage, you idiot, all those retractable Prog Knives you built into the armor severed my power umbilical. Gaghiel wound up chewing on my leg for an hour before NERV managed to pry him off. That damned Angel's still at large too."

Dark Mayhem: "Last I heard, he ate Desolation."

Chaos: --;; "And tried to eat me too. Stupid Bean Wars."

         Carnage shrugged. "True. But now your Hell Custom EVA's new and...and...*ACHOO!!* improved."
         "You seem to be coming down with something," Dark Mayhem remarked.
         Carnage sighed. "I think I've caught a cold from doing that arctic testing on my Escafanboy all last week. I don't think it's impeded my work on the EVA He...eee...*ACHOO!* Custom, though."
         "Um...I'll just stand over there, if you don't mind," Chaos said, looking queasy. "Putting you and a mecha in the same room as my 'smite magnet' aura has me rather nervous."
         With a roll of his eyes, Carnage dismissed Chaos' fears. "You have no appreciation for this line of work. I got the Hell Custom running on its own unlimited power supply. No umbilicals are ever going to get in the way now!"
         Pesti-chan's voice crackled over the speakers again. "And how, pray tell, did you manage that? I'm not going to pilot something that runs on solar power, Carnage."
         Carnage abruptly launched into Carnage-sensei mode, setting up a small classroom in his hangar bay--complete with desks and a chalkboard too! The EVA Hell Custom got a small desk in the back row.
         "Now then," Carnage-sensei explained. "As those of you who've watched Giant Robo know, the Shizuma Drive is by far the best power source in Anime. It's small, compact, and completely stable--unless you get one of the three original, heavily unstable drives."
         Chaos put up his hand. "Oooh! Question: does that mean Pesti-chan has a little watch he speaks into, to pilot the EVA by remote? I've always wanted to see him say 'EVA Hell Custom: crush!'"
         After Carnage blinked his eyes a few times in unamused disbelief, Chaos was clobbered with a Super Gundam-Crushing Press and then sent to the corner with a dunce cap on his head.

Chaos: [pouting] "Well *I* thought it was a valid question."

         Removing his sensei robes, Carnage pointed up to the entry plug. "Activate the EVA, Pesti-chan!"
         A very uneasy Pesti-chan complied, powering up the EVA Hell Custom. The readings and synch ratios were all within normal limits as the EVA's eyes flashed.
         "It's alive!" Carnage shouted. "It's aliiiiiive!"
         Dark Mayhem glanced over at Chaos. "Ne, wasn't it your turn to slip him the decaff?"
         However, Carnage was still basking in the glory of another weapon of mass destruction coming to life and tromping all over the hangar. Pesti-chan activated the retractable Prog Knives, the blades flawlessly emerging from the EVA's armor.
         "Sugoi!" Pesti-chan's voice said. "It actually works."
         Carnage smirked. "See? I know my mechas when I up the kill factor on them."
         "Ne, Carnage," Dark Mayhem remarked idly. "You did make sure it was a *stable* Shizuma drive you put into the EVA, right? Not one of the three original, unstable drives?"

Carnage: o.O;; "Ano...."

         [Cue the EVA Hell Custom suddenly howling and going berserk!!]

         Dark Mayhem looked up at the mecha that was now trying on kilts. "I'll take that as a 'no'." He began to dryly applaud. "Bravo, Carnage."
         "Minor setback, minor setback," Carnage said, rapidly punching buttons on his monitoring screen. "Daijobu, Pesti-chan! The EVA will eventually *ACHOO!* come to a stop once the drive's energy is about three thousand years."
         Dark Mayhem leaned sideways as the EVA's foot nearly stomped on him. Chaos, however, was not so fortunate. "Is that before or after it hits critical mass and levels the entire country of Japan?"
         Chaos' hand appeared from beneath the metal foot. "I vote we make tracks to Antarctica. We'll be safe there."

         [Meanwhile in Antarctica....]

Desolation: --;; "Don't bet on it."

         [Cue Second Impact!]

Desolation: [putting on sunglasses] "Ooooh, this is gonna leave a mark."

         Chaos blinked a few times as he pondered the large EVA Hell Custom trying to stuff its shoulderpads. And then an ingenious idea hit him. Now had it been using airbags, the idea might have survived. But since the idea wasn't even wearing a seatbelt, it died on impact.
         Thus Chaos was left to fend for himself.
         No good could come of this.
         "I have it," he stated, pulling out a black pin with the Star of David on it. "Yesterday I managed to steal this magic pin from Saito High. And with it, I can summon one of the Haunted Junction's spirits to save Pesti-chan!"
         Carnage and Dark Mayhem immediately turned to each other.

Carnage: [achoo!] "Popcorn?"

Dark Mayhem: "I've got an ecchichino I need to finish."

         Chaos placed the pin between his index and middle finger, summoning the Haunted Junction spirits locked within. "There's an emergency in Carnage's room. All spirits appear on the double! WELCOME!!"
         And with a bright flash of light appeared Bones Suzuki and Haro Sato, the skeleton and human anatomy models from the biology lab. Not realizing that two spirits even smaller than himself could hardly even be considered as worthy cannon fodder against the rampaging EVA Hell Custom, Chaos pointed them at the mecha. "Pesti-chan's trapped inside. Now while I go steal my Mako-chan from him--"
         "WHOSE Mako-chan?!"
         "--you two must stop the EVA unit from destroying anything else."

Haro Sato: [determined stare] "In that case--"

Bones Suzuki: [fierce glare] "We have no choice but to--"

Both: ^-^ "Cossack dance!!"

Chaos: o.O;;

         A stunned SD Chaos gawked in disbelief as the two anatomy models began to Cossack dance, proving once and for all that they had to be the most useless cast members of Haunted Junction.
         Seconds later, Haro & Bones' encore number was abruptly canceled as the EVA Hell Custom squished them. Chaos didn't fare any better.

Chaos: [from beneath the boot] "Dammit, Carnage, what possessed you to put cleats on this thing?!"

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