AD Police Commander Pandemonium had left the scene of the smoldering ChibiChibi Hyper-Boomer early. It wasn't her style to clean up someone else's mess. Not to mention Leon was still a little irate about her personal 'inspection'.
Adjusting her uniform (read: stretchy strip of cloth sewn in with a slip. Hey, it's either that or really heavy bodypaint!), she opted to walk back to headquarters. That way she might be able to stop some more deranged crimes from occurring. A fellow AD Police officer jogged in behind her, trying to keep up with Pandemonium's brisk pace and dizzying bosom-jiggle.
"Th-that was really impressive," Nene said, unable to hide her admiration. "I've never seen anyone take a Boomer down like that."
Pandemonium shrugged. "After all those chibi's, it got what it deserved."
"Hai hai...but did you really have to do all those body cavity searches on everyone at the scene afterwards? Even on the rest of the AD Police force?" Nene glanced uneasily over her shoulder. "I don't think Leon'll be walking right for a few weeks. And what's more, I think Daley enjoyed it."
"I am anything if thorough," Pandemonium stated. "Everyone there was a suspect in letting that ChibiChibi Hyper-Boomer run amok. And my tentacles are always up for it."
Their conversation came to an abrupt halt as someone staggered onto the scene.
Desolation: [groan!] "Stupid Adam...ask him to stop the Impact."
Pandemonium's eyes narrowed. "You," she remarked suspiciously. "Don't I know you from somewhere?"
A sweatdrop appeared next to Desolation's head. "Um, depends. Were you there when Lina Inverse showed Phibrizo the Giga Slave, and I accidentally got possessed by the Lord of Nightmares instead of her?"
Pandemonium snapped her fingers as she recognized his face from the AD Police's database. "Aha! You're wanted for questioning about that space colony which hit Tokyo two months ago. You'll have to come with
Without saying anything else, she produced a pair of fuzzy pink handcuffs to shackle Desolation's wrists. Naturally, he freaked upon envisioning another Red Queen whipping session.
"Curse my cute yet poundable body!" the teary-eyed, lost fanboy sniffled.
Pandemonium: "Aha haaaa...cute. Excuse me while I set my nightstick on 'Whomp'."
Desolation: o.O "KYAAAAAAAAAA!!!! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!"
Pandemonium: [sigh!] "They never learn. Naughty tentacles of justice: deploy!!"
[Pandemonium catches Desolation with her naughty tentacles of justice!]
Nene: "Ne, is the strip search necessary? And even if it is, don't you think you're taking a little long?"
Pandemonium: [shrug] "This is for the good of the city, Nene."
Desolation: [erk!] "Those are really cold fingers she has."
Nene: "A-Ano...those aren't her fingers."
Desolation: ;_; "I was afraid of that."
Returning to the apartment of the fanboys, Chaos managed to topple out from the hall closet while sporting a large yet very trendy treadmark on his entire backside.
"Itaaaiii! That was rough," he groaned. "The only time I've ever had it worse was when I wrote that Wild Wild Weiß Kreuz fic of mine. But I don't know why Sarcasm sent her 47 Shonen after me for that, though."
He stopped his musings as he saw Dark Mayhem reclining on the couch. The fair and scantily-clad Ami-chan was busy dropping grapes into his open mouth.
"Ne," Chaos inquired. "What page of the Victoria Senshi catalogue did that French Maid's uniform come from?"
Ami-chan giggled as she rolled a grape along Dark Mayhem's chest. She quickly pulled away moments later as the piece of fruit abruptly caught fire. "Page eighty-two," she purred demurely. "From the Urushihara tribute collection."
The thought of procuring such a delightful item brightened Chaos right up. With great resolve, he forgot all about the fact that he had lost all feeling in his lower torso and set off to his wall scroll.
"Hai! I'm going to order that for myself!" he exclaimed happily sticking a foot inside his scroll for a door.
"Gomen nasai, but you can't," Ami countered. "They ran out of stock. The one I'm wearing is the last one they shipped."
He picked himself up off the pan-dimensional floor, sniffling as his kawaii kitty ears perked up. "Tonight, I got squished by the EVA Hell Custom, humiliated by two Cossack-dancing ghosts, and now I've been denied my favourite new piece of lingerie! How much worse could this evening get?"
"Chaos-momma, kawaii telephone call-chan for you!" Hysteria shouted from down the hall. "It's Haruka-poppa!"
Chaos: o.O [erk!] "......"
Dark Mayhem: "Well you *did* ask how much worse it could get."
Chaos: "Hush, uber exploder Newt-boy!"
Later that night, a very super-deformed and very frightened Chaos stood at the front door of Haruka & Michiru's private house, located on the outskirts of Tokyo. Given their previous encounters (Read: whipping him repeatedly), he was fairly certain that no good could come of this.
On the bright side, he did manage to escape having to read Hysteria's newest fic, Fancy La Laguna Blade, to her in bed. While almost anything was a welcome change from The Adventures of Captain Bob Stupendous & His Caterpillars of Doom, Hysteriafics were a whole other travesty to behold.
Chaos knocked on the door, and it was opened with an ominous creaking noise. The li'l fanboy stared up at the looming figure of Haruka standing over him.
She smiled warmly, and motioned for him to enter. "Come in, Duo. We've been expecting you."
He scurried inside, pressing his back against the wall opposite Haruka & Michiru's "private" closet and carefully inched away from it. Plunking his rear on one of the couches, he squeezed his eyes closed and awaited the obligatory glomping session. After a few seconds of looking like a complete idiot--not that it's a new thing for Chaos--he dared to open one eye and look around.
"Daijobu," Michiru said, emerging from the kitchen with a tray of drinks. "Hotaru-chan's asleep upstairs. She doesn't know you're here." She set down the tray on the coffee table, and gestured to Chaos. "Tea?" "Yesthankyoudon'tmindifIdo!No,I'mnotnervousnonotatall!" he babbled cheerfully, grabbing the entire kettle and tipping the spout into his mouth.
"Careful, it's hot," Michiru chided.
Haruka looked up to the Chaos-shaped hole in the ceiling. "I think he noticed already."
The two Outer Senshi took their seats, waiting patiently as Chaos crashed back onto the floor a few moments later. Whistling nonchalantly as he brushed the spackle off his shirt, Chaos sat back down on the couch.
"Ano...what did you want to talk about?" he asked quietly, shrinking into the space between the cushions. Haruka promptly grabbed the scruff of his collar and yanked him back out.
Intuitively knowing that their first pot of tea would be rendered as otaku rocket fuel, Michiru ducked back into the kitchen as the second round of hot drinks was delivered. Everyone took a cup for themselves, sipping the tea.
Michiru looked directly at the Chaos. "We called you here because we've noticed a few--" She paused to choose her next words. "-disturbing trends that occur whenever you and our Hime-chan share a date."
Chaos' cheeks swelled up as he discreetly choked on his tea. He thought back to previous dates, such as when Naoko Takeuchi tried to kill him...or when the Otakinator tried to kill him...or when Beans got stuck in his body and was kissed by Hotaru.
"Um...what disturbances?" he asked innocently, flashing them a sincere smile that begged 'for the love of Kami-sama, please don't smite me!!'
"You do remember the rules we established when Hotaru first asked us to let you date her. Right?" Haruka pressed, her tone indicating she was not to be argued with.
Chaos vehemently nodded in agreement. "Haihaihai!"
"We've decided to give you a final chance to prove yourself to us," Michiru drawled. "If anything goes wrong at all, we shall revoke your right to date Hotaru."
Chaos: ^-^ "Really?"
"And," Haruka added darkly. "We'll use you as test subject for all our new whips. Amateurs night at Planet Hentai is this Saturday; if you screw up, you'll be joining the act."
Chaos: o.O;; [gulp!] "Jo'o-sama."
Haruka set the Space Sword down between her and Chaos. "Now then, let us review the rules for dating our Hime-chan," she stated. "Rule One: you will not touch Hotaru in any suggestive places, nor will you try to kiss her. You may glance at her, so long as your eyes do not wander anywhere below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or your hands off of our daughter, I will personally remove them...or else take an electric nailgun and securely fasten those wandering fingers to your face."
Chaos could only blink, terror rendering him unable to do anything else.
Michiru nodded in agreement with what Haruka had said. "Bear in mind, Duo, that we do care deeply for our Hime-chan. If you do anything to make her cry, we will then make you cry. Rule Two," she continued. "You will have her back fifteen minutes before curfew."
"If you happen to break this rule," Haruka said. "I will not hesitate to break *you*. However many pieces that will be, shall be left up to my personal whim. Rule Three: you will never EVER lie to us about what happened on your dates. You will have only one chance to tell us the truth. If you fail in that...I have a Talisman, a shovel, and a very large backyard. Do not screw with an Outer Senshi."
Chaos nodded. "Hai hai. After all, you have Michiru to do that with." His eyes widened as he clamped down on his mouth.
"We'll be showing up at your apartment around two-thirty, tomorrow afternoon," Michiru explained. "You may take Hotaru out and entertain her until curfew. Fail to observe the rules and you shall be punished. Do you
understand us, Duo?"
"Perfectly," he squeaked.
And then he shot out from the house, leaving a little dustcloud in his wake. And he surely would have gone right through the front door in his frantic escape attempt--had Haruka not reinforced the hinges a few months ago. Chaos collided face-first with the door, and then fell straight back onto the floor.
Chaos: x.x "I hurt."
Haruka took Michiru aside. "Refresh my failing memory: just why are we even giving him this chance?"
Michiru could only shrug. "It's in the script. No matter how much we dislike it, these things work like fate."
"But can't we get their author to revoke it?" Haruka pressed, anxious to find a solution that didn't involve any dating whatsoever.
Michiru smiled. "Patience, love. He's working out something as we speak; I'm sure he knows what he's doing."
[Meanwhile, at the author's desk....]
His lordship Chaos: [dozing off on the keyboard] "...zzzzzz...Acapulco...."
The sun had risen on Tokyo.
These were the dying days of summer, and students had a few weeks left before high school would resume. And so, with these dwindling yet precious hours of freedom, a group of close friends set out for an adventure.
Their friendship would last a lifetime of OVAs.
Their exploits would reshape an entire Anime sub-genre.
Benkyo Brigade: [singing in their Pervmobile] "Hentai! Hentai! Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they perv for you?"
And their pervertedness would give many a young lady a cold from the drafts caused by the removal of her underwear. Yes indeed, just when it looked like this series would have something poignant and actually
serious...His lordship Chaos just laughed at such a silly notion, stuck out his tongue at all you respectable otaku out there reading this, and went back to trying to escape from his strait jacket.
Dark Mayhem: [looking up] "Which is quite the remarkable feat given how he's currently velcroed to ceiling with it."
Pesti: [sweatdrop!] "Scary thing is: he asked for the Velcro."
Driving through the streets of Tokyo in their brand spanking new Pervmobile (which came with a riding crop), the Benkyo Brigade were ready to make their mark on history. Now while Carnage would argue this to be a skidmark, the Planet Hentai crew were enjoying themselves immensely.
Happosai remained perched on the front of the hood of the hentai cadillac, acting as both look-out and hood ornament. Havoc-kun was at the driver's wheel, his one arm around Minni-May Hopkins. Next to her was Jyako Amano. In the backseat sat Kintaro Oe, Megumi Amano, and Ecchi-chan Charon. The trunk had been removed from the cadillac, replaced with a large bubblebath currently occupied by Havoc-chan.
"A shame Maze couldn't join us," Minni-May sighed. "He's the only one who has managed to survive me all twenty-three times."
Charon shrugged. "Can't be helped; he's stuck as that uptight, sexually repressed female by day."
Havoc-kun abruptly swerved the car, letting Minni-May take the wheel as he leaned over the top of the car door and let his arm hang out. While his hand never moved, an entire row of high school girls shrieked as a draft blew up their skirts to reveal a now pantiless demographic group.
He tossed the panties into the back.
Naturally, Kintaro frolicked among the underwear, and just had to try on a bra for himself.
"Hey, Havoc!" Megumi Amano said, handing the cellular phone back to Havoc-chan. "It's that MST guy, Alexander. Your Detonator Orgasm fic just made the Top 10 best-read fanfics of the Month! He's so impressed, I can
hear him crying over the phone."
"Well, what do you expect?" Havoc-chan replied, rising up from the bubblebath and taking the phone. "Havocfics are made with 100% Cream Lemon filling after all."
Suddenly out from the back seat appeared Minako, the blonde Senshi draping herself over the front seat and trying to stuff Havoc-kun into the Yggdrasil jacket. The Pervmobile swung wildly across the street, momentarily ducking into opposing traffic.
"Na-chaaaan!" Minako sang, completely oblivious to the honking semi-truck in front of them. "Are you ready to get Yggy with it?"
"Minako, I can't see any nubile young females to grope!" Havoc-kun protested. "Could you save my panicking for a later scene?"
He yanked on the steering wheel again, the cadillac veering out of harm's way. However, in the process the air bags went off. Minako playfully stuck out her tongue as Minni-May & Jyako got a facefull of inflatable, silk bra cups.
"Gomen gomen!" she said.
Havoc-kun groaned. "Out of all the Senshi to have chasing after me, why did it have to be the most persistent one? Can't I be left to my perversions in peace?"
"Havoc!" Happosai suddenly exclaimed. "I see them! It's the white panties!"
A dark smile appeared on Havoc-kun's face. "Gotcha."
Tomoe Midoh was out for a morning jog on the sidewalk. The supergenius of all the Battle Athletes was at last in sight, and like cherries ripe and ready to burst, she was jiggling in the wind.
Oh, what now?
Why are you readers on the floor twitching like that? Those are from the actual closing lyrics to Lamune & 40 Fresh. Ha! So now you can only accuse me of having poor taste in stealing bad song lyrics!
o.O Waaaait a minute...
Anyhoo, Havoc-kun turned to the others in the Pervmobile. "Ready the cataperv!"
The rest of the Benkyo Brigade scrambled to ready the catapult, which in essence was an oversized bra that they just pulled back to use as a slingshot. The jacuzzi in the back was drained of its bubblebath (which turned out to actually be Cream Lemon). Moments later its shape changed as the bath itself stretched out behind the Pervmobile.
"She's on a heading of north/northeast, about thirty-two degrees," Happosai reported. "Watch out for the wind sheers she's creating in her wake!"
Charon prepped the release mechanism, priming the phallic-shaped shaft. "Cataperv ready."
"You may be the ultimate Cosmo Beauty that ever existed," Havoc-chan proclaimed, putting on a pair of aviator goggles and a scarf. "But you have yet to deal with the Hentenno Beauty!"
However, Midoh took notice to the Benkyo Brigade and quickened her pace. Yet her speed was no match for the eyes of Kintaro, who was at that very moment studying everything about her. He wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead. "She's almost in range. Ready...ready...NOW!"
Charon pulled back the release, the cataperv flinging Havoc-chan high into the air. Flawlessly she came in behind Midoh and worked her Kacchu Tenshin Amapantiken. The bungee cord wrapped around her feet sent the female Hentenno shooting back into the cadillac.
A now pantiless Midoh was left in their dust, fuming and lobbing small domestic cars after them.
High fives were given all around, celebratory Jello had by all. Just then they passed by an enormous billboard, the female model on it showing off some sort of new candy.
Havoc-kun: o.O "Hotcha!"
Without even needing a cataperv of his own, Havoc-kun bounced into the air and flew in front of the billboard. After he passed it by, the model in the poster was without her panties. Judging by the surprised and indignant expression she now wore, she wasn't exactly amused by this.
Charon shook his head as Havoc-kun landed back in the driver's seat. "How does he do that?" He immediately bowed down from his place in the back seats. "Teach me, oh great uberperv! Teach me!"
Havoc-kun grinned, fondly rubbing the oversized panties against his face. "There's hentai...and then there's Hentenno."
Yet no one in the Benkyo Brigade bothered to ask what the strange device hidden underneath the driver's seat was. Even with its blinking red light and sign labeled "Act nonchalant. This is not a bomb", the device wasn't given a second thought.
After all, when you have Tomoe Midoh's panties, what else is there in life that really matters? But before any of you readers can give a snarky retort, let's cut to the next scene!
Desolation: "Itaaaaiii! Oh great, there goes the arm again! That's gonna need stitches."
AD Police HQ
(Technically the 37th, since everyone skips the 13th floor)
Pandemonium groaned as she opened the door to her private office, and surveyed the rows of filing cabinets crammed with unfinished reports. Another day on duty, another world filled with enough red tape to tie a Christmas bow around one of the orbiting space colonies.
Massaging a peculiar bar-code on her forehead, she sauntered into her domain...which spanned the entire floor. There was *that* much paperwork; in fact, some of her superiors were considering transferring her one-woman department to another building that could handle the backlog. Say, perhaps, all of City Hall.
"I do not need this on a Friday morning," she sighed, taking a seat at the nearest possible desk. Cabinets and shelves and various stacks of paper were scattered everywhere. Hanging on the wall above her head was a plaque that read: Join the AD Police, meet interesting people, then kill them!
A cup of warm green tea was made before Pandemonium got down to work. Her unrivaled physical skills and intellectual prowess--not to mention her "unique" way of handling investigations (such as strip searching every suspect she ever came across)--had resulted in her being assigned to a special set of case files.
The files marked 'F!'
They consisted of curious, outlandish and downright stupid incidents involving a group of characters known as "fanboys", who seemed to have committed every possible crime that the Aniverse had a law for.
Protests, legal documents, bills and threats to commit suicide from the city planning department made up the bulk of any F! File dealing with the epic property damage from explosions or out-of-control mecha.
Other F! Files included random instances of spontaneous combustion- -though eyewitness reports indicated all public combustions were the result of a single person and his blue-haired, female companion; sightings of a strange hairy monster in the city who was subsequently whipped by some kind of dominatrix, and then vanished without a trace; a frightening stalking case involving some uberkawaii kid and the Clamp Campus detectives; wanton karaoke bar destruction; the disappearances of numerous kawaii Anime mascots (not to mention the members of the mascot-
preserving group, SPCAM); and bizarre sacrificial rites over something called a Chaosfic.
Pandemonium had managed to salvage a page from some manuscript entitled 'Battle Skipper Athletes' and decided that such brutal countermeasures were quite warranted.
And then there was the sub-category dubbed the H Files. These ones probably took up the most room in her filing system. Accounts of mysterious panty abductions were everywhere. What unnerved Pandemonium was that none of these events were isolated. These abductions were slowly yet steadily working their way across a hitlist of every nubile young Anime babe ever known.
Some suspected there was a government or GENOM cover-up involved--though both denied any such connections.
Pandemonium puzzled over yet another report. This one detailed the unexplained presence of residue on Lady Noin, a victim from two days ago. Whatever it was, it was something creamy and white, and always left behind after such an abduction. The lab computers said it was a strange hybrid of whipped cream.
She didn't press the matter.
Yet after sampling some of this whipped cream, Pandemonium had the overwhelming urge to go and eat Jello.
No one ever saw this mysterious underwear abductor either. It wasn't mere memory loss; this character was moving faster than the human eye could detect him...or her. Pandemonium shook her head, mulling over the peculiar cultish figure she had encountered in her exhaustive hentai research.
Someone only as "The Hentenno." This could be broken down to two other titles: "He who pervs within the panties", and "She who nibbles in the night."
Signing off yet another H File as unsolved, Pandemonium resumed work to finish up a bizarre report from a couple of days ago. Some really warped version of Kasumi Tendo (who politely demanded she be called Skimehime-chan and then have her boots licked) was causing a disturbance at some dance club. Pandemonium had arrived just in time to give chase as this "Red Queen Kasumi" made off with--
"A thong?" she said aloud in rereading her closing statements, eyebrow twitching in bewilderment.
Fortunately, the thong itself was rescued and returned to its rightful owner. He called himself Havoc; seemed like a nice enough guy.
Red Queen Kasumi was apprehended and jailed--only to break out five minutes later.
Pandemonium had gone to her cell for interrogation and a complete strip & body cavity search. Instead she found only a teary-eyed AD Police officer screaming "Jo'o-samaaaaa!!" After interrogating the guard with her naughty tentacles of justice, Pandemonium called off the hunt for Skimehime-chan.
She could only wait for another F! File to appear bearing that deranged Kasumi Tendo's name on it. Given the profile of this perverted Ranma-hybrid character, it was only a matter of time before Shimehime-chan reappeared.
The phone rang, and Pandemonium fumbled to find the receiver amidst the piles of paperwork. She then opted to pick up the receiver with a stray naughty tentacle of justice that wasn't doing anything.
"Moshi moshi?" she said. "Na ni? *Another* mobile suit's dancing across the city?" She scowled as she heard the information. "So which is it: an EVA or a Deathscythe Hell Custom? Whaddaya mean 'both'?!"
She slammed the phone down, not ready to face yet another ballistic mobile suit. Bad enough that this strange creature named Neoranga had tromped through Tokyo last weekend. Fortunately there had been only one injury; some guy named Desolation managed to get stepped on by the island god.
Six times throughout the day too.
The phone abruptly rang again. With a growl, Pandemonium grabbed the receiver. "What?!" she snapped. Her eyes widened a few moments later. "Oh...it's him again. I'll be right there."
Another sighting of the Hentenno had been reported.
That elusive, perverted criminal was on the move.
"I'll catch you and your panties for certain this time," she vowed, racing out from the office, her Gainax bouncing preceding her exit.
She'd show this Hentenno once and for all.
Let him try to steal her panties; she didn't wear any.
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