"Hysteria," Chaos snapped. "When I said I wanted to paint a fruitbasket, I didn't mean I wanted to paint the cast of Wedding Peach!"
With a chillingly cute smile, Hysteria nodded. "Hai, Chaos-poppa! Hysteria will get you the kawaii little Sabre Marionette-chans instead!"
"And I don't want Lime, Cherry or Bloodberry here either!" he exclaimed in exasperation. "Do you understand the words I am speaking, Hysteria?!"
"Don't push your luck," Dark Mayhem quipped, emerging from his shower. "Intelligence is a foreign language to her."
A sweatdrop hovered next to Chaos head as he removed his smock (doubling as a reversible strait jacket) and tossed his artist's easel into the dining room wall scroll.
Toweling his hair off, Dark Mayhem headed for the fridge. "Ne," he remarked idly, taking out some Pocky to snack on. "Don't you have a date with Hotaru?"
Chaos shook his head. "Nah, they'll be arriving in an hour. I've got another fifty-five minutes before I panic. Daijobu; I've got everything worked out perfectly."
"Hai, Chaos-momma!" Hysteria added.
"Don't you have a set of railroad tracks to tie yourself to?" Chaos inquired darkly. His attention span abruptly snapped like a wet ramen noodle as he saw Sarcasm emerge from her Den of Bishounen, super-deformed
versions of Chic and Gorgeous right behind her. "What are they doing here?" he asked, pointing down at the two pretty-boy villains.
Sarcasm feigned hurt. "Don't you like my two assistants?"
"But...they're SD!" Chaos protested. "How could they assist you when they're as tall as Rampage?!"
Sarcasm grinned and gave Chaos a playful wink. "You should see them when they transform, baby!"
As if on cue, the closing theme to Maze TV, "Junk Boy", started up. SD Chic & SD Gorgeous began to dance across the living room floor.
Chaos: --;; "I don't believe this."
Hysteria: ^^ "Oooh! Bishounen-chan bishounen-chan bishounen-chan!"
Sarcasm: [hauling Hysteria up by the collar] "Listen up, future freak: you ever touch one of my bishounen, and the next guy you meet will be the proctologist trying to find your head."
Hysteria: [sweatdrop!] "Hai, Keebler-chan."
Sarcasm: [evil Dark Elf mode!] "AND STOP CALLING ME KEEBLER-CHAN!!"
Abruptly there was a knock at the front door.
"Moshi moshi?" called out Michiru's voice.
Chaos' eyes bugged out. "They're here *now*?!" he squeaked. "But it's only one-thirty!"
Sarcasm gave him a funny look. "Chaos, look at every clock in this apartment. They're all saying it's two-thirty."
An irate SD Chaos thrust his wristwatch in front of the Elfgirl's face. "Oh yeah? Well what about this?"
"Yours is an hour slow." She rolled her eyes as Chaos facevaulted at her feet. "Twit."
"Okay, that's the absolutely last time I ever let Anarchy talk me into thinking it's daylight savings time," Chaos vowed as he pulled his face off the carpet.
Dark Mayhem cleared his throat. "So, are one of you people actually going to answer the door, or is it once again up to me to get the plot moving?"
"Hysteria will get the kawaii little door-chan!" Hysteria called out, racing right for the door. And then racing right into the door.
The other fanboys watched with mild interest as Hysteria proceeded to knock herself out, sprawled across the front entry.
Hysteria: x.x "Itai-chaaaaan!"
Dark Mayhem: "You know, Hysteria's relationship with an intelligence quotient could be best described as: restraining order. At least I know she doesn't belong to me or Ami-chan."
[Chaos dumps cold water on Hysteria, reducing her to a kawaii li'l Newt-chan.]
Chaos: "Think again, Newt-boy."
Taking his defeat gracefully and with dignity, Dark Mayhem proceeded to punt Chaos into the ceiling, followed with Hysteria, and then cheerfully answered the door. Standing in the hallway was a smiling Hotaru, accompanied by her surrogate parental units.
"Kon'nichi wa, Carrot-san," Hotaru said politely, bowing. "Is Chaos-chan ready yet?"
"He's trying to rival Tsubasa as a master of disguise," Dark Mayhem replied, pointing to the ceiling. "Come on in."
The trio of Outer Senshi entered, and Haruka could only shake her head as she ducked the pairs of feet leisurely swaying from above. "I swear the only things missing in this place are padded walls," she said aside to Michiru.
Michiru chuckled. "Ara, but you know how well it worked on their author."
Haruka's eyebrow twitched. "First leather, and now velcro. I'll never figure out that guy's fetishes."
Meanwhile, Hotaru had happily claimed her less than enthusiastic boyfriend and yanked him down from the ceiling. Before he even had a chance to get the Bambi eyes, she was practically dragging him outside.
"Where are we going today?" she asked.
Kawaii kitty ears popped up from Chaos' hair. "Ano," he ventured. "I was thinking of just a quiet walk around Jyuban Park, and then going a coffee shop."
She warily considered the idea. "We're not going back to Tempura no Escaflowne, are we?"
"We can't go back there for another ten years," Chaos sighed. "Not until the ban is lifted, at least."
"We can drive you two to the park," Michiru offered.
Hotaru gave her 'momma' a pouting look. "Michiru-momma, this is a date! Chaos-chan and I need some time alone."
Chaos cringed as Haruka's eyes narrowed. He quickly scuttled up to Dark Mayhem and handed him a small piece of paper. "Here's a description of what I'm wearing in case you have to identify my body."
Dark Mayhem consolingly patted Chaos on the shoulder. "Daijobu; I'm sure it won't be all *that* bad." He abruptly snickered. "Okay, so I'm lying. Look, if trouble comes your way, just read it some of your Perfect Blue Submarine No.#6 fic. If that doesn't get it shrieking and fleeing in terror, we're all screwed."
"Thanks for that vote of confidence," Chaos replied dryly.
Excusing himself for a moment to change into something not covered in pieces of spackling, Chaos dressed up in something he could only pray was flame-retardant and had Kevlar lining. The nervous fanboy returned to the living room, and then he and Hotaru left arm in arm. Well, actually she glomped onto him, and he immediately freaked and made a mad dash down the hallway.
Sarcasm: [watching the dustcloud dissipate] "What odds do you give him of surviving?"
Dark Mayhem: [perfectly nonchalant] "Would Voltage Fighter Gowcaizer survive a MST unscathed?"
Sarcasm: [scowl] "I just wish Gowcaizer had never survived its initial conception."
Dark Mayhem: "Touché."
Pandemonium leaned closer to the lightpole, running her index finger along its surface. A white, creamy residue was left behind; yet another telltale sign of the Hentenno's presence. She had already taken a statement from Tomoe Midoh, and then performed the obligatory strip search.
"Still warm," she mused, sampling a bit of the cream. "Mmmm...lemon taste. It's him alright."
"No kidding!" Tomoe fumed, having ripped out a fire hydrant and was now bashing it against the sidewalk to vent her anger. "So are you just going to stand there with your cleavage hanging out of your uniform, or are you actually going to get my panties back?"
The battle athlete was promptly smacked by a naughty tentacle of justice.
Pandemonium began walking back to her AD Police motorcycle, lamenting about this added bonus to her already exorbitantly ridiculous amount of paperwork. "Curse those fanboys," she sighed, getting her keys.
She froze upon seeing a set of high-heel boots and fishnet stockings on the seat of her motorcycle. There, standing triumphantly with whip in hand, was Skimehime-chan.
"Woh ho hoh oho!!" Red Queen Kasumi crooned. "Ara, I do hope I'm not interrupting your work with my diabolical revenge plot."
"You!" Pandemonium exclaimed, letting her big-assed chaingun pop out from her arm.
Yet the Red Queen quickly leapt away, landing on top of telephone pole. "Oh, I should also remind you that if you shoot, you'll have to write up a report. And I fear that would severely inconvenience you."
Pandemonium lowered her gun. "Shimatta," she muttered. A smile crept onto her face, and numerous naughty tentacles crept out from the back of her uniform. "Oh well, I always find *this* method a lot more satisfying."
Red Queen Kasumi cackled again, causing the bystanders to drop onto the sidewalk in twitching fits. "Three months I spent planning that hentai heist," she stated. "Three months I invested all that was perverted into getting the royal thong and becoming the Hentenno. You waltz in and stop that and then think you can just walk away, well you
got blinders to the fic, Miss."
Abruptly out popped a small girl wearing Lum's oni horns. "Hai!" she exclaimed, cheering on her mentor.
Skimehime-chan turned to her underling. "Allow me to present my student: Ecchi-chan Yoiko!"
Pesti: [eyebrow twitch!] "What the hey?"
Dark Mayhem: "I guess our author had a reason for featuring her fanficfic after all."
Carnage: "And yet...she's Skimehime-chan's apprentice, rival to Charon. I don't know if I should find this appropriate or frightening."
Dark Mayhem: "How about 'frighteningly appropriate'?"
Pesti: [groan!] "Just please tell me she isn't learning Kacchu Tenshin Amapantiken too."
Pandemonium shook her head at the Red Queen. "Baka. You do realize I'm giving you the full body cavity search treatment when I catch your supple yet sorry ass."
"Oh, you'd like to think so," Red Queen Kasumi retorted with a hauty yet pleasant laugh. "But I think you'll find yourself with something else to worry about. Pop quiz, hotshot: there's a Cream Lemon bomb in the fic. If the number of gratuitous nekkid flashes goes under 50 per page, it'll explode."
Pandemonium's eyes widened at the though of all the hellish paperwork such an explosion would generate. It would take weeks just to process all the reports, complaints and red tape from that single incident. "Masaka!" she exclaimed.
Yoiko-chan nodded. "Hai! What do you do? What DO you do?"
Chaos: --;; "Shoot the author?"
Dark Mayhem: "Ah, to dream the impossible dream."
Pandemonium's naughty tentacles of justice were twitching and ready to strike. But she remained patient. "What do you want?" she asked.
"Merely the Royal Thong," the Red Queen replied. "You've got another twenty pages before the bomb automatically goes off, and Tokyo gets hit with a hentular winter. And I hope you'll take my suggestion of finding Havoc and his Pervmobile soon; nekkid flashes don't wait for any pervert."
Pandemonium blinked. "Havoc? The guy who runs that club you raided? You mean *he's* the Hentenno?!"
Yoiko looked up at her hentai sensei. "She didn't know?"
"Guess not," Red Queen Kasumi remarked, visibly surprised herself. She then flung her whip and wrapped it around Pandemonium's motorcycle. The bike was then sent flying into a nearby office building.
"Hey!" Pandemonium exclaimed. "That was a present from Sylia Stingray!"
"Woh ho hoh hoh ho!!!" Skimhime-chan laughed, leaping away. "Gomen ne about your bike, Pandemonium! When this is over and I become the Hentenno, I'll send you a cheque for the repairs!"
Pandemonium's eyes narrowed as she watched Red Queen Kasumi and Yoiko-chan escape. "This isn't over yet," she growled. "I'll defuse that bomb, and then strip search you for hours!"
And with that solemn vow, she raced down the street in search of a way to track down the Pervmobile.
"Aaaah," Chaos sighed, reclining in his seat. "Taking the bus was a great idea. No harm could possibly befall us while we're in a public place."
Hotaru smiled as she sat next to Chaos, leaning against his arm. "You seem a little nervous today, Chaos-chan," she said. "Is something wrong?"
"Other than the whole premise of our series?" he replied. The fanboy blinked for a few moments before breaking out into nervous laughter. "Gomen, Hotaru! Kinda preoccupied."
She peered up into his eyes, sincerely wanting to know what was on his mind...provided he still possessed that, if ever. "I think about a lot of things," Chaos replied. "Namely the miracle that I've survived life as an author incarnation for this long. I feel like I got the leftovers of the avatar profile."
"I know how you feel," Hotaru said, gripping his arm a little tighter. "This is the second time I've had to grow up. It gets frustrating when people don't take you seriously."
Chaos nodded, discreetly kicking away the 'sappy romantic bit' kana that was floating inside the bus. He smiled and playfully tousled her hair. "You know, Hotaru, we're kinda the same. We're both traveling through this fanfic...in a bus that's about to hit the Pervmobile!!"
[Cue the Pervmobile abruptly crashing through the ceiling of the bus!]
Hotaru screamed as Chaos pushed her onto the floor, and he valiantly got a Happosai stuck in his mouth. Spitting out the squat martial arts master, Chaos looked up at the inverted car that now had its jacuzzi sticking out from the roof of the bus.
"Hey, Chaos," Havoc-kun remarked, still hanging upside-down in the driver's seat. "What brings you here?"
"Me?!" Chaos snapped. "What the hell are you guys doing here?"
"Malfunction on the cataperv," Minni-May replied, pushing aside her D-cup airbag. "Instead of flinging Havoc-chan at Armitage, it flung the car. Ah, ohayo, Hotaru!"
Chaos' eyebrow twitched. "Hotaru, you...know her?"
Hotaru nodded. "I met her with Nagumo, when I went to see him about your Valentine's Day present."
Visions of his perfect date and intact body crashing and burning faster than coherency in a Lain episode, Chaos slumped to his knees. "I am so dead," he said in a distant voice. "Haruka and Michiru are going to kill me."
"Daijobu, Chaos-chan," Hotaru said, taking his hand in hers. "I believe in you."
Chaos sniffled, looking into her violet eyes. "Y-You do?"
She nodded. "Hey, you haven't survived this long, only to lose now. Ne?" Hotaru leaned forward, as if ready to kiss him. "Whenever I'm with you, I can face anything."
Her child kawaii factor cause Chaos to break out into a sweat. Fortunately the awkward moment was interrupted by one of the Benkyo Brigade members.
"I hate to break up your tender Lolita complex scene," Megumi Amano cut in. "But the driver just bailed on us. Anyone know how to drive a bus?"
Chaos scrambled into the driver's seat, looking at the wheel and gauges all spread out before him. "All I need to do is hit the break pedal," he said calmly. "No need to panic. Hotaru and I can quickly get off the bus and walk the rest of the way to Jyuban Park. No need for me to get smited. None at all! After all, how hard could it be to stop a bus
with the Pervmobile sticking out from its roof?"
And in an answer to that question: twelve.
Hey, did we say it would be the right answer, people?! Work with me here, work with me! So what if I'm having a coffee break in the middle of this fic?
But setting the mindless rantings aside, we now give a hop, skip and tapdance onto another scene. Elsewhere in Tokyo, Riot was busy in his aimless wanderings of the neighborhood. His anything-goes martial arts meditation underneath a waterfall-fu had been interrupted when a police officer told him to get out of the fountain.
And having demonstrated his handy use of hidden smite-fu by bonking the officer with an inflatable Child's Toy Sana-hammer, Riot began to walk. And walk. And pause momentarily to sweatdrop upon seeing Ruckus happily chasing after Parn (who had been trying to promote tourism to Lodoss Island, despite everyone there getting eaten by trolls, or vaporized by evil elf-witches).
Riot sighed as he crossed the street. "Most dishonorable. How many Omakefics has it been since I was assigned to anything-goes Fanboy Instrumentality-fu? I am losing my vision, my purpose. It's just as the wise seer once said: a normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries."
Something moved out of the corner of his peripheral vision, and caught Riot's attention.
"Who is that?" he mused, squinting his eyes...which is quite impressive given how not even the author knows what colour this guy's eyes are.
Riot abruptly smiled. "Why it's Jyubei, the legendary assassin from Ninja: Resurrection and Ninja Scroll! He must be here to guide me to the truth I seek in Fanboy Instrumentality-fu. So why is he waving and pointing his katana at me?"
Riot turned his head.
And saw a city bus heading right for him.
Riot: --;; "Most dishonourable."
The bus abruptly jumped, causing Chaos to accidentally swallow the pair of dice that were hanging from the rearview mirror.
"What was that?" Hotaru asked.
Chaos shrugged, checking the road. "Random speedbump? If we're really lucky, it was a Pokemon. Or Pretty Sammy. Now then, all I have to do is hit the brakes, have a flawless date with you, and I won't ever have to worry about being turned into a rug and put in Haruka's den!"
He slammed down hard on the brake pedal.
And nothing happened.
"Na ni?" Hotaru said, looking up to Chaos as the bus started to pick up speed in going down a hill.
Chaos gulped. "Um...the brakes aren't working," he answered very calmly. "This bus is out of control. Hotaru-chan, could you please turn the other way?"
Hotaru nodded and quickly complied. "Hai! What are you going to do, Chaos-chan?"
"Nothing," Chaos sniffled. "I just don't want you to see a grown otaku cry." His head abruptly swelled into irate demon mode. "WHY AREN'T YOU WORKING?!" he shouted at the brakes.
"I can explain that," Riot replied, suddenly standing in behind Chaos.
Needless to say, the surprise caused Chaos jump out of his chair and to cling to the ceiling.
"As I was saying," Riot continued, looking up at the SD fanboy. "When you thought you could get the better of me in anything-goes martial arts hit & run-fu, my katana accidentally slashed your brake line as I climbed aboard."
And all this just goes to prove that when everything's going your way, you're obviously in the wrong lane. Or else you've let your seeing-eye dog steer again.
Elsewhere in the fic, which is both somewhere and anywhere, which still doesn't discount the fact that nowhere is somewhere yet cannot be anywhere but elsewhere, thus begging the question: where the hell is the author going with this sentence?
Somewhere in the depths of a mobile suit hangar, large kana for "achoo!" could be seen scrolling across the loading docks; Carnage had managed to unsuccessfully stifle yet another sneeze. There could be no more doubts: he had definitely caught a cold. At first he thought that the City Planners council were talking about him again.
[Fanboy's Note: in case we haven't mentioned it before, there is a Japanese superstition that when you sneeze, someone is talking about you. There, now don't you feel educated?]
He turned his head as there came a loud knock on the door. Clad in his SD Deathscythe-chan pajamas, he slipped out from his warm bed and its Totoro 40 TOG duvet cover (use #49), Carnage shuffled over to the door. Upon opening it, he found Kintaro acting as the flower deliver boy, Happosai toting a pack of underwear-shaped bralloons, and the Ogenki Clinic nurse in front.
[Cue the Ferris Bueller scene!]
Ogenki Nurse: [singing] "I heard that you were feeling ill. Headache, fever and a chill."
Ogenki nurse: [still singing] "I came to help to restore your pluck 'cause I'm the nurse who likes to--!"
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