*         *         *

         Pandemonium raced down the streets of Tokyo, her naughty tentacles of justice whipping out in every direction. Girls' skirts were flipped up, panties were stolen, and much strip searching was afoot. She could only hope this was meeting the "nekkid flashes per page" quota set by Red Queen Kasumi.
         "Kuso," she muttered. "'Go for the F! Files, Pandemonium. We'll promote you to Commander if you take it.' Next time I see the AD Police Search Committee, I'm going to personally introduce them to my boyfriend, Largo."
         Just then a bus shot down the street, ignoring all traffic lights, signs and hapless citizens crossing the road. Pandemonium paused in seeing the back end of a dragon pink cadillac sticking out from the bus' rooftop. Her eyes narrowed as she also saw the Benkyo Brigade leading a rousing celebratory cheer as cups of Ecchichinoes were passed around.

Benkyo Brigade: [singing] "For he's a sukebe Hentenno, for he's a sukebe Hentenno, for he's a sukebe Henteeeeennooooooo...which nobody can deny!"

         "Havoc," she growled. "I've got you now."
         Yet the bus was still picking up speed, and even with her enhanced body she'd never be able to keep up. Pandemonium looked around for a vehicle. And it just so happened that a short, squat yet utterly efficient tank was pulling out from a donut shop.
         Pandemonium immediately lunged for the tank, landing atop its muzzle. "AD Police!" she stated, a naughty tentacle of justice holding up her badge. "I need to commandeer your tank!"
         Leona's head popped out from the belly of the midget tank. "Hey, this is *my* Napoleon! You AD Police twerps have your own machines to break!"
         Pandemonium merely raised her arm, letting the hidden chainguns and Beam cannons be unsheathed from her body armor. "I insist," she said, leveling the barrels with Napoleon's gun turret.

Leona: [sweatdrop!] "Ano...can I at least drive?"

         Pandemonium climbed onto the tank. "Just follow that bus with the Pervmobile sticking out of it. Ne, are you insured?"
         "Yeah. Why?" Leona growled.
         Pandemonium grinned. "One less damages report for me to fill out."
         And off the chibi-tank Napoleon sped, valiantly driving on the sidewalks and mowing down parked cars! Given its small size and great traction, the tank managed to catch up with the speeding bus in no time.
         "Get me closer to the bus," Pandemonium said, precariously balanced on the edge of the tank.
         Napoleon swung into an adjacent lane and began inching closer to the bus. Inside Pandemonium could see the entire Benkyo Brigade celebrating; evidently not one of them had a clue that there was a bomb somewhere in their car. Then she noticed a hapless guy trying to figure out how to steer the bus--which was made a little harder when he accidentally pulled the steering wheel off the dashboard.
         "Get me closer!" Pandemonium barked to Leona.
         Down inside the tank, Leona groaned, "Hai."
         Napoleon moved a little closer.
         "Closer!" Pandemonium shouted again.
         Napoleon moved another few inches closer.
         And at that Pandemonium stuck her head into the tank. "Do you have some kind of depth perception problem?!" her oversized demonic head roared. "CLOSER!!!"
         Naturally Leona freaked, and sent Napoleon crashing into the side of the bus.


Leona: o.O "KYAAAAAAA!!!! You...you broke my poor Napoleon!"

         The momentum from the sideswipe let Pandemonium fly through the air. She vaulted over the bus, but her timing was a little off. Instead of landing on the roof, she got stuck on the front windshield.

Pandemonium: --;; "There has got to be a better way for me to do this."

*         *         *

         Back inside the bus, Hotaru blinked in surprise as she saw a familiar face in the crowd of perverts. "Minako, what are you doing
         Minako looked down at Hotaru. "I'm here with Na-chan. Ne, Hotaru, do you have any ideas on how I could get him to wear this?"
         She held out the Yggdrasil jacket.
         "Um...why not just try asking him?" Hotaru ventured.
         Minako's face brightened. "What a novel idea! Why didn't I think of that!" she exclaimed, and filled with new inspiration, Minako pounced on Havoc-kun.
         Hotaru winced as a few stray bits of Cream Lemon sprayed her way. A few moments later, a thoroughly cream-covered Minako returned.

Minako: [sigh] "Any other ideas, Hotaru?"

Hotaru: [sweatdrop!] "Actually paying attention to what I said might help."

         "Havoc!" Chaos exclaimed angrily. "Now is not the time for you to be getting jiggly with it! How can I drive this bus when you're distracting me?!"
         One of Riot's eyebrows was raised as he dabbed a fingertip into one of the whipped cream puddles. "Ah, anything-goes martial arts sploot-fu. Strange that I haven't seen this before. I must endeavour to study and master this most honourable technique."

         [Cue Pandemonium suddenly glomping onto the front windshield!]


Riot: "Anything-goes martial arts window-clinging fu, is it? Ah, very well; I accept your challenge."

         "Where are you going?" Minni-May asked, watching as Riot opened the bus doors and began climbing out.
         "Wherever there is a challenge, I must prove myself," he answered, striking a dramatic pose. "As the ancient proverb goes: fly like a swordsman, but be terrible like a ghost!"
         A sweatdrop appeared next to Minni-May's head. "Okaaay...."
         Meanwhile, Pandemonium's naughty tentacles of justice were busy writing her urgent message on the glass. Chaos could only gawk in confusion as he saw the tendrils expertly use magic markers.
         "Ne, Havoc," he said. "You should get up here. There's a girl with tentacles on the front of the bus."
         The next thing Chaos knew, the entire Benkyo Brigade had crowded the front, sending Chaos's face pressed against the windshield. The abrupt launching of his nose against glass caused him to yank on the wheel, the bus swerving into a shopping mall.
         Shoppers screamed and scattered like otaku hearing the Urusei Yatsura dub job, bags and purchased thrown in every direction as the bus mowed on through the central corridor of the mall. Pandemonium held on as hard as she could as she got bumped and buffeted from all the benches Chaos seemed to be intuitively hitting.
         Her grip was fierce.
         Unfortunately, she happened to look sideways and see Riot happily clinging to the windshield alongside her.

Riot: ^^ "Ah, good day, fellow martial artist."

Pandemonium: o.O

         And she wound up relaxing her grip, just in time to get clocked by the leaves of a palm tree. Pandemonium spun through the air, a raffle car neatly breaking her fall. Slowly she picked herself up and scowled as the bus escaped by going through another set of glass doors.
         "I was so close that time," she said. "But I've still got to defuse that bomb!"
         With any luck, those pervs on the bus would take note of her message and act accordingly.

*         *         *

         "Check it out!" Kintaro said, his cheek pressed against the glass. "She left her breastmarks on the windows!"
         "Ooooh!" Havoc-kun and Havoc-chan chorused.
         "Hey, do you mind?!" Chaos snapped. "You guys are fogging up the glass. And you're crowding me too! Get your butts behind the yellow line already!"
         He abruptly pointed to a certain fanboy still clinging to the windshield.

Riot: ^^

Chaos: "And could someone please get him off? It's like looking at a freakish, suction-cup plushie."

         Chaos rolled his eyes as he finally got some breathing space. "Gomen ne, Hotaru; looks like we may have to postpone our date until the bus rolls to a stop."
         Somewhat dejected, Hotaru nodded. "We never seem to get time alone. But at least I have something to hope for," she added brightly, giving Chaos a quiet smile.
         Chaos nodded. "Hai hai...another chance at getting thrashed by Haruka-poppa and Michiru-momma."
         "They just like teasing you," Hotaru said with a laugh. Chaos joined in her laughter, albeit trailing off into a whimpering groan.
         She looked out at the street, and then pointed to something scrawled on the outside of glass. "Chaos-chan...?"
         *BOMB ON BUS!!*

Chaos: o.O

         "Could you excuse me for a moment?" he said cheerfully to Hotaru. "I'd really appreciate it if you weren't around to see me wet myself."
         Nervously glancing back at the kana, Hotaru nodded. "I'll go sit with Minako."
         After ensuring she was with Minako, Chaos quickly pulled out his cellular phone and dialed the apartment's number. Dark Mayhem answered the line.
         "Wanda's Dominatrix Den; how can we hurt you?"
         "Mayhem, there's a bomb on the bus I'm riding!" Chaos hissed into the receiver.
         Came the uber exploder fanboy's voice: "Oh, they must be talking about that Barefoot Genma fic you took with you."

Chaos: --;; "Shaddup!"

         "According to what that Gainax-bouncing babe in battle armor wrote," Jyako said, appraising the kana on the glass. "If we let the number of nekkid flashes in this fic go below fifty per page, a bomb will go off inside our bus."
         Chaos gave Jyako an incredulous look. "You're kidding."
         "Like we'd ever need an excuse to start stealing womens' underwear," Jyako retorted.
         "I see your point," Chaos said, shaking his head. "I can't believe I'm about to say this."
         He turned back to the Benkyo Brigade.
         "I want every one of you hanging out from the windows of this bus, and I want you to strip every last cute nubile girl you see!!"
         Everyone saluted him. "Hai!"
         "I need help here, Mayhem," Chaos added over the receiver. "If this bomb goes off, it means my date won't be perfect, and that means Haruka and Michiru will kill me!"
         "Gee," Dark Mayhem remarked dryly. "Nice to see you concerned with Hotaru's well-being."
         Chaos' eyebrow twitched. "If her well-being gets de-welled, then mine gets de-atomized. Get Carnage on the line; he should know something."
         "Can't. He's holed himself up in the hangar, trying to get rid of his cold."
         "Then what about Pesti-chan?" Chaos asked.
         "We haven't seen him since his EVA Hell Custom danced off into the sunset yesterday."

Chaos: "Isn't anyone there?!"

Hysteria: ^-^ "Hai, Chaos-momma!"

Chaos: --;; "Anyone other than her, Mayhem?"

         "Nope," Dark Mayhem replied. "It's just me."
         Chaos made a kowai expression as he glanced over his shoulder and saw the Benkyo Brigade leaning out the windows. Skirts and pants and panties were being flung in every direction.
         "I am so doomed," he lamented. "And what's that samurai guy doing still glued to the windshield?!"
         "I'll take care of that," Minni-May offered. Chaos opened the bus doors for her, and Minni-May stuck her head out.

Minni-May: "Ne, you won. Your competition bailed."

Riot: ^^ "Ah, anything-goes martial arts bail-fu! I can do that!"

         Riot then let go from the glass and flung himself forwards. Unfortunately, he forgot that the bus was still moving, and it promptly ran him over. A wide-eyed Chaos, Charon and Kintaro slowly looked over the front of the dashboard.
         "I give him an 8.3 on form," Kintaro offered.
         Dark Mayhem spoke up on the cell phone again. "Chaos, I just checked a few things out on the computer here, and you're not going to like this. There's a gap in the fanfic."
         Chaos' eyes ballooned out. "NA NI?! How big is it?"

Dark Mayhem: "Twenty lines. At least."

Chaos: [consulting the F! Files script] "But according to this, the fic's finished! It's in the damned script!"

Dark Mayhem: "Well, I guess the author fell behind."

Chaos: [irate li'l fanboy!] "Oh, you think?!"

Dark Mayhem: "You don't have to scream over the bloody phone."

Chaos: "Well you're not stuck driving with a bomb!"

Dark Mayhem: [plainly] "I am da bomb."

Chaos: [grrr!] "Shaddup!!"

         His eyes abruptly bugged out as he saw a massive space o' nothing up ahead. "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
         Hotaru and Minako raced to the front of bus to see what had Chaos panicking now. Naturally Minako freaked out much akin to Chaos, seeking comfort in the arms of Havoc. Which Havoc that was didn't really matter.
         And Hotaru threw herself against Chaos, closing her eyes.

Hotaru: "Chaos-chan!"

Chaos: o.O [gasp!] "Aaaiiirrr!!"

         [Cue the gap in the fanfic!]

         Chaos blinked. "Is it over? Did we make it?"
         A loud cheer went up among the occupants of the bus.
         Hotaru, who was still clinging to Chaos, carefully opened her eyes. Upon seeing that everyone was still alive, she happily flung herself into Chaos' arms and kissed him on the cheek. And at that Chaos promptly freaked, yanking on the steering wheel and sending the bus cartwheeling down the road.
         This really didn't stop the Benkyo Brigade from their mission to strip every last nubile Anime babe in the fic nekkid, a trail of fanservice left in the bus' wake.

Hotaru: ^-^ "We're alive, Chaos-chan!"

Chaos: o.O "KYAAAAAA!! Don't startle the driver, Hotaru!!"

         The bus made another vault right off the road, somersaulting over numerous lanes of traffic before ricocheting off the sides of buildings like a pinball, and then disappearing over the next hill.
         From inside his own car, Rei-kun sighed, "Some people drive like maniacs." He turned to the young girl in the passenger seat. "This is why I'm such a careful driver."
         Sana-chan immediately broke out in to a big grin and flung herself around her manager/boyfriend/pimp's neck. "Haaaaai! Thank you, Rei-kun I love you lots and lots so you drive as carefully as you want I don't care!!!"
         And at that Rei-kun promptly freaked, yanking on the steering wheel and sending the car cartwheeling down the road after the bus.

Page 5
Back to Fanfics