Pandemonium gave an angry punt to the moped she had commandeered as it sputtered to a stop. However, she miscalculated her strength and sent the small vehicle crashing into a nearby cafe. She winced. "Shimatta. As if Officer Natsumi wasn't pissed off enough with me."
Yet the bus was gaining speed, and if she didn't act fast that bomb would go off. The twenty page deadline was almost up, and she'd rather be strip searched herself than let Red Queen Kasumi win. Then again...she *did* frisk herself on a regular basis, so that comparison floundered.
And all for the halibut too!
But as luck and bad fish puns would have it, Pandemonium's trained eye caught sight of a T-74 tank parked on top of a Porsche across the street. Not really pausing to consider what kind of person the driver was, what with their bumper sticker "How's My Smiting: 1-800...." slapped on the back of the tank, she immediately sought to commandeer the only vehicle that seemed capable of catching up and taking down the bus.
Seated on top of the tank, Carnage quietly enjoyed a spot o' green tea to help recover from his cold. He turned his head and watched with mild interest as Pandemonium vaulted through the lanes of traffic to land next to him.
"Can I...help you?" he asked, his one eyebrow twitching upon seeing her bosom stop bouncing about a minute after Pandemonium landed.
"I'm only going to say this once," she said between gasps. "If you don't let me commandeer your tank and chase after that Pervmobile, then the city's going to be covered in a flashflood of Cream Lemon. And as a result I'm going to be forced to strip search you."
Carnage's face remained expressionless--however, he dropped his cup of tea. "Pervmobile?" he asked carefully. "Havoc's Pervmobile?"
Pandemonium nodded, her tentacles appearing and ready to grope at a moment's notice. "Hai."
"What the hell are you just standing around for?" Carnage exclaimed, suddenly inside the tank and wearing an army helmet. "Climb on in *achoo!* here!"
An evil smile appeared on the mecha otaku's face.
Carnage: >) "LET'S SEE HOW FAST THIS SON OF A BITCH CAN GO!!!"
Pandemonium suddenly had some doubts about her driver as she looked back and saw two large engine nacelle units emerge from the rear of the tank.
"You might want to buckle up," Carnage said. "That Omega Drive's got quite a kick to it."
A roundhouse triple-kick to be exact.
Pandemonium's tentacles had to frantically wrap around the T-74's muzzle as the tank shot across the block, not really caring if it went straight through a building...a park...Cephiro (happily mowing down Mokona in the process)...or even the Diet Building.
"As much as I'm thrilled with this scenic tour," she said, climbing into the belly of the tank. "when are you going to catch up with the Pervmobile?!"
Carnage merely disengaged the Omega drive a few moments later, sneezed, and then pointed up.
Pandemonium tipped her head back and saw the bus now stuck on top of the tank. Using her naughty tentacles of justice, the AD Police Commander punched a hole through the floor and climbed into the bus. What she saw came as no real surprise: Havoc-chan, Jyako and Megumi were busy flinging panties from female passers-by onto the growing pile o' underwear. Charon, Kintaro and Happosai were busy frolicking with the panties in the midst, while Minni-May was serving drinks.
And despite Hotaru insisting otherwise, Chaos was still trying to move the steering wheel and drive the bus regardless of it now being stuck on top of a moving tank.
Chaos: [turning his head] "Carnage, what are you doing here?"
Carnage: ^^ "Happily breaking countless *achoo!* road laws. And yourself?"
Chaos: --;; "Unhappily losing bladder control."
"Ah!" Hotaru exclaimed upon seeing Carnage. "Ohayo, Akito-san! Maybe you can help us. As much as I admire him for trying, Chaos-chan doesn't seem to be succeeding."
"I try my best," Chaos sniffled, his kawaii kitty ears appearing.
Hotaru soothingly patted him on the shoulder. "I know, I know."
Carnage raised an eyebrow, looking from the fanboy to the Senshi. "Hotaru? What are you doing here?"
And so as Chaos filled Carnage in on the plot thus far (as it is, there's not much plot at all, we do admit. More just a 'p' than anything), Pandemonium confronted her nemesis.
"So, you're the infamous Hentenno," she stated angrily, cracking her knuckles. "I've been waiting a long time to finally pay you back for all those perverted reports I've had to write up."
Havoc-chan sighed. "Okay, you can rip off my clothes and lick me as punishment, but I still get to wear the handcuffs."
"I'd rather use these!" Pandemonium retorted.
[Cue the naughty tentacles of justice!]
Chaos immediately slapped his hands over Hotaru's eyes as the 'spludgy spludgy' sound effects ensued. "Maybe I should just commit seppuku now, and beat the rush for others to kill me."
Pandemonium: "Had enough? Now then...um...."
Chaos: "What's wrong?"
Pandemonium: [sweatdrop!] "I can't pull them out. My tentacles are caught on something."
Havoc-chan: ^-^ "Want 'em? Can't have 'em."
Pandemonium: [yank yank!] "Hey, give those back! I need those!"
Carnage: [argh!] "I do NOT need to be seeing this, Havoc!!"
"Hotcha!" Havoc-kun exclaimed, popping out from the plethora of panties. "I've got Camille Inaho Camilla's panties!"
"Na-chaaaan!" Minako exclaimed, erupting from the pile behind him. "You still haven't read my Minakofic yet: I'll Make A Havoc Of It!"
Chaos and Carnage facevaulted.
"Ne," Carnage inquired darkly to Chaos. "Have you been tutoring her on how to write fanfics?"
Pandemonium, on the other hand, gawked upon seeing the Hentenno be in two places at once. "N-Na ni?!" she stammered. "This wasn't in my dossier! Since when are there *two* Hentenno's?"
"Since F8!, regrettably," Carnage sighed, stifling yet another sneeze.
Chaos nodded. "And they both change genders, depending on the time of day. Ne, that's a nasty twitch you're getting, Miss AD Police Officer."
Havoc-kun blinked in surprise as he looked at Pandemonium. "Pan-chan? What are you doing here?"
"You know her?" Chaos asked.
Havoc-kun nodded. "More than that: I created her."
Minako: "That explains the tentacles."
Pandemonium: [irate SD mode] "What day, what month, what fic this happen?!"
Very unamused, she looked down at the Benkyo Brigade, who were now sitting around a table and sipping Hotcha Ocha. "I was waiting for you to ask that," Havoc-kun said. "Cue the Nekkid Flashback!"
[Sometime during F5!....]
Deep below the classrooms of the Spartan Institute, a new creation was being made. And like all newborns, this one was very much in the buff.
Havoc grinned, looking up at the cybernetic endoskeleton before him. "And to think those GENOM weenies were afraid of what would happen if I personally upgraded one of their 33-C Sexaroid Boomers. Ne, Big Toenail of Satan, how are we doing?"
The Big Toenail of Satan gave an eager thumbs-up. "Everything's going according to plan. Right, Teacher Bob?"
"Hai!" Teacher Bob enthusiastically piped up.
[Fanboy's Note: anyone here ever wonder if the Big Toenail of Satan and Teacher Bob are really Noboru & Akira from the Clamp Campus detectives? This could be what happens when the ever-serious Suoh leaves the group to play bodyguard to Nagisa.
Noboru hits puberty and gets a little too overzealous in helping young ladies, and Akira cheerfully follows in step. The Clamp Campus then becomes the Spartan Institute when Noboru takes over from his mother as princi...what? Hasn't anyone else ever stopped to consider this possibility? WELL?!]
With a satisfied sigh, Havoc stretched out his arms and closed the access panel on the back of the endoskeleton. He quickly moved to one of the work stations, activating the skin grafting onto the Sexaroid's body.
Teacher Bob was desperately holding back his tears of joy in seeing the rather curvaceous Boomer's body take ample shape. "It's a masterpiece!"
Havoc pulled on another level, unleashing a bolt of electricity that surged through the Sexaroid's systems. The Boomer was activated, her eyes opening as she awaited her first command.
"Behold!" Havoc proclaimed. "The ultimate in cool devices, the epitome of lemon technology! I give to the world...the 69-H Sexaroid HyperBoomer!"
"Ooooh!" Big Toenail of Satan and Teacher Bob chorused, applauding.
Big Toenail of Satan: "This is even better than that Tougenkyou Unit #1."
Teacher Bob: "At last Miami Takahashi will improve her grades, thanks to this robot!"
The Sexaroid turned her head to Havoc. "What is your command, Hentenno-sama?" she asked.
Havoc opened his mouth to speak. Suddenly all the lights inside the lab went out, and all too familiar background music started up:
"That Open Thigh Jump technique
Is just too extreme!
Her great big pair of huge knockers
A hot flash like the light of truth
Except it's shocking pink!"
"Oooh, she's here! She's here!" the Big Toenail of Satan eagerly exclaimed, jumping up and down.
"We'll be able to see her Open Thigh Jump again!" Teacher Bob added excitedly.
"Yeah, great," Havoc said non-committaly. "Could either of you guys hand me that wooden rice spoon on the desk? I need to test our Sexaroid's spankability factor."
And then who should appear buck nekkid for the sake of love and justice, but the masked heroine herself: Kekko Kamen! Ready to stop yet another perverted attempt to raise the grades of students, she leapt and jiggled into action.
"Here it comes!" the Big Toenail of Satan exclaimed.
Yet Kekko Kamen flew right past them, bent on striking at her primary target. Havoc turned his head upon noticing a female silhouette appearing over him. Kekko Kamen spread her legs open, an intense blast of white light (not to mention a well-placed "censored!" sign) appeared.
Havoc would have shielded his eyes from the light's intensity, but somehow he had been expecting this.
Havoc: ^-^ [wearing sunglasses] "Hotcha!"
And so Havoc got a facefull of her Open Thigh Jump.
Needless to say, the Big Toenail of Satan and Teacher Bob were not amused at being left out. Hoping to grope Kekko Kamen for themselves, they both charged after her. But Kekko Kamen leapt away just in time, leaving the two perverted faculty members to crash into the machinery. Sparks flew and electrical circuits exploded, smoke flooding the room.
Havoc: ^-^ "Oro?"
Outside, the Spartan Institute was very quiet.
A few moments later, a part of school building exploded. The surge of Cream Lemon quashed the flames, but that still didn't stop three hentai individuals from being launched into high orbit over the city.
Some time later, the just activated (and incredibly endowed) Sexaroid HyperBoomer emerged into her new world. She blinked and stumbled out from the hole left by the explosion. Everything looked unfamiliar, and so she checked her protocol directives for behavioral guidelines.
They came up blank.
And that wasn't all that was missing.
"Who...am I?" the Sexaroid asked herself.
She scanned her memory banks, but everything had been wiped clean from the explosion. And so the Sexaroid resolved to imprint herself on the first person she met, starting out towards the bright lights of Tokyo.
Just then Anarchy and Tasuki staggered past the Spartan Institute, drunkenly belting out their latest karaoke hit after having decimated yet another bar.
"I love being a goddess of Mass Destruction!" she crooned, wildly swinging her Sake bottle in the air. "There's no better hobby that to smite someone's sorry ass, and then get pissed drunk!"
"Hai!" Tasuki cheered her on. "You go, Anarchy-sama!"
Pandemonium's eyebrow involuntarily twitched as she saw her candidate for imprintation. But it didn't seem all that bad. "Mass destruction," she mused to herself. She raised one of her arms, letting the vulcan cannon emerge from beneath her armor plating.
And smiled. "Yoshi!"
The Sexaroid stood before Tokyo, raising her arms over her head. "Look out, Tokyo! I am Pandemonium, and I...I...what do I want to do?"
[Cue Tuxedo Kekko Kamen chasing after Mimete!]
Tuxedo Kekko Kamen: "Get back here, miscreant DeathBuster! Trying to steal my pure heart without any foreplay is unforgivable. In the name of the moon, I shall smack your ass!"
Mimete: [run away!] "Kyaaaa! Just why is Mimete starring in a SuperS fic anyways?!"
Pandemonium scowled as she saw the nekkid & masked crusader bound past her. Abruptly a buried sub-conscious command released her naughty tentacles. The tendrils snaked out from behind, hovering to await her next silent command.
Tuxedo Kekko Kamen barely had a chance to see what wrapped around him before he was hoisted in front of Pandemonium.
Pandemonium: "Excuse me, but *I'm* the fangirl, and *I'm* the only one who'll be smacking asses around here."
Tuxedo Kekko Kamen: o.O
Tuxedo Kekko Kamen's cane: *boing!*
Getting back onto the bus, regardless of whether or not you paid for your ticket, we--hey! You mean you readers are getting to read my ranting for free?!
*sigh!* There is no justice in today's Anime society.
"What the [beep!] [beep!] was that?!" Carnage exclaimed, looking back up at the nekkid flashback sequence. He immediately turned to Havoc-chan. "You..." he tried to grasp for a word. "You...FREAK!!"
Havoc-chan merely grinned her Chichiri grin. "Hotcha! What a great family reunion, Pan-chan! Happochinoes for everyone!"
"Otoka-san!" Pandemonium protested, her face getting flustered. "Stop embarrassing me in front of the general public. I'm supposed to be arresting you!"
Puzzled by the strange Japanese wordplay, Hotaru looked to Chaos for aid. "'Father-mother'?" she repeated, scratching her dark hair.
"Please don't ask me to explain that," Chaos groaned, massaging his temples. "I'm still getting over Princess Mill calling Maze 'one-ni-sama'."
Carnage rolled his eyes. Something then occurred to him. "Ne," he remarked. "While it seems disturbingly ironic *achoo!* that I should be the one to ask this, just how long has it been since we last had fifty nekkid flashes on the page?"
A loud "click!" came from the Pervmobile as the armed (but certainly not legged) bomb was triggered. Havoc-chan saw the flash of light from the upside-down cadillac, grabbed hold of Havoc-kun, and then stuffed him over the seat to muffle the blast.
Havoc-kun: [saluting] "I regret that I have but one perv to give for fan and fanservice!"
In the Tokyo proper, there was a moment of dead silence.
And then the skies themselves were bathed in a brilliant white light as a perverted shockwave rocked the entire city, sending the Gainax bounce-o-meters straight over the 10.0 jiggle. Underwear was immediately blown off every nubile young Anime babe's body for miles on end. And the mushroom cloud of Cream Lemon could be seen from orbit by the female battle athletes on their University Satellite.
The resounding echo of the explosion could be heard pretty much across the entire Internet:
In the next few passing moments, very little was said by the group of otaku and perverts caught at the heart of the blast. Whipped cream-covered versions of everyone staggered out from the bent and broken frame of the bus. As if watching the stars come out, they simply stared at the Cream Lemon flakes that were quietly raining down on Tokyo.
"I think that went rather well," Havoc-chan remarked cheerfully, brushing some stray bits of cream off her DOJI BOY sweater.
A thoroughly unimpressed Pandemonium turned to Havoc-chan. "Oto-ka-san, that bomb was a Cream Lemon bomb. It was going to cover the city inwhipped cream anyways--but thanks to you, the payload just exponentially
Carnage took this remark into deep consideration, glancing warily up to the sky as he pulled out a remote control. "Note to self: avoid using the Buster Bomb on Havoc."
Everyone looked up as an enormous, ominous object hovering high in the sky abruptly left earth's orbit.
Chaos and Pandemonium sweatdropped, both turning to Carnage. "Wise choice," they chorused.
"I had better call Mayhem," Chaos sighed, visibly depressed. "The next time he sees me will probably be at the morgue for proper identification of my little battered corpse."
"Daijobu, Chaos-chan; it'll work out for the best in the end," Hotaru encouraged him, licking some whipped cream off her lips and then made a face. "Yuck. I hate milk products."
Kintaro was aghast. "But how? Cream Lemon is one of the four essential foodgroups, right up there with--"
He was abruptly clobbered by a Turn-A Gundam.
"Don't even," Carnage stated icily.
Meanwhile, Chaos tried to get through to the apartment. "Moshi moshi. Mayhem? Mayhem?" With a confused look on his face, Chaos shook his cellular phone. "It's broken."
"It's a phenomenon called HMP: hentai magnetic pulse," Pandemonium stated, shaking her naughty tentacles of justice clean. "In addition to taking out women's underwear for miles, an HMP also disables all major mechanical and electrical systems thanks to the Cream Lemon interference. Every time Havoc does that 'sploot' thing, it produces an HMP; severity of the pulse depends on how badly he's hit. And thanks to you fanboys repeatedly smiting him, I've had to write up thousands of reports on malfunctions occurring in the blast radius!"
Everyone slowly turned to Carnage.
"And this is supposed to make me feel guilty?" he inquired nonchalantly, checking his appearance via the reflection in his Zanba sword.
Pandemonium shook her head. "I want to have a talk and strip search with you later on, buddy."
Carnage: --;; "Damn Tenchi Masaki syndrome."
"With a detonation like this one," Pandemonium added, groaning inwardly as she saw the now whitened skyline of Tokyo. "I don't think anything will be working in the entire country for days. Oh, the reports. Those damned F! File reports!!"
Chaos immediately brightened. "Waaait a minute. That means Haruka and Michiru will never know I was at the epicentre of this! They never have to know either! I can complete my date with Hotaru and come out alive!"
He turned to Hotaru, a sincere smile on his face as he gently took her hands in his.
Chaos: ^^ "Can you just forget to tell Haruka-poppa and Michiru-momma about what happened on the bus?"
Hotaru: [dryly] "I've already regressed, thank you."
Chaos: [V-sign!] "Hotcha!"
[Cue the Dragnet theme music!]
And so we come to the end of this F! File.
Pandemonium wrote up the HMP incidents as an 'Act of Perv' and spent the next 3 weeks trying to finish off all the redtape that resulted from the Giga Sploot. However, she was able to find time to take Carnage aside for a talk and a strip search.
Dark Mayhem spent the evening in his jacuzzi with the fair Ami-chan. However, due to all the Cream Lemon blocking the roads, the fire department was six hours late in responding to the latest spontaneous combustion call.
Desolation is still missing, presumed smited.
Beans' lake god is still missing, presumed stolen by Chaos and put into the freezer for safe keeping. Beans is no doubt trying to defrost her deity as we speak.
Carnage got over his cold and went on to complete yet another version of Escafanboy. And thanks to Mihoshi, it self-destructed two minutes later.
Sarcasm was trapped inside her room, Cream Lemon blocking her bedroom door from the outside. Fortunately her harem of bishounen were on hand to comfort her.
The berserk EVA Hell Custom was finally stopped in Cephiro by the Magic Knights, but not before it had repeatedly stomped on its resident demonic marshmallow-thingy for a god, Mokona. Pesti-chan refused to apologize, and got hit with a Flame Arrow. The magical spell caused him to go Zoantropy; Red Queen Emeraude-hime is busy trying to whip him back to normal.
Zoantropied SD Pesti #4: "Emeraude-hime Emeraude-hime Emeraude-hime Emeraude-hime Emeraude-hime!"
Red Queen Emeraude: "Don't call me a princess. Call me the Queen!"
Zoantropied SD Pesti #4: o.O "KYAAAA!!! JO'O-SAMAAAA!!"
Zoantropied SD Pesti #2: [sitting offside, sipping tea] "You know, Cephiro's pretty nice this time of year."
Zoantropied SD Pesti #6: [stomping on Mokona] "DIEDIEDIEDIE!!!"
Zoantropied SD Pesti #1: [teary Bambi eyes] "Mako-chaaaaan...."
Zoantropied SD Pesti #3: ^-^ "Hotcha! I've got Precia's panties!'
Precia: [nekkid & with big-assed sword!] "Give those back!"
Zoantropied Pesti #4: o.O [nosebleed!] "Kyaaaa!!!"
Red Queen Emeraude: [cracking her whip] "There's no use hiding!"
Zoantropied Pesti #4: "TASUKETEEEEE!!!"
Anyhoo...Minako managed to get Havoc stuffed into the Yggdrasil jacket, whereupon he celebrated the Tokkiri Mokkori festival (matching bra & fuzzy handcuffs required).
Anarchy never noticed the Giga Sploot, having used her AT Field to shelter a tiny karaoke bar from the creamy blast. She sang long into the night, terrorizing the owners and drinking all their Sake.
Hysteria somehow got her lips stuck in a blender. We're not asking how.
And as for Chaos' uneventful date with Hotaru....
Hotaru and Chaos walked down the street, hand in hand. With a shy smile, she gazing lovingly into Chaos' nervous eyes. He frantically glanced over his shoulder to ensure a vicious thrashing was not stalking him in the forms of two unnamed Outer Senshi.
They had lucked out in stumbling across a part of the city that had been licked clean by Rampage and Catastrophe. Chaos hoped he could end this date with the same pair of pants too.
"Ne," Hotaru said demurely. "Can I ask you something?"
"Kneel down," she said. "Want to whisper it into your ear."
Evidently not having a clue, Chaos complied. His face went flushed as Hotaru pressed her palms against his cheeks and brought him closer for a kiss.
Suddenly there was a series of flashes, followed by a blast of wind that sent Hotaru tumbling into Chaos' arms...and Chaos right into a rosebush.
Hotaru: "Chaos-chan, daijobu?"
Chaos: @.@ "Haiiiii...."
He groaned as he picked himself out of the roses, looking around the street. "What the hell was--?"
The questions came to an abrupt end, Chaos' eyes bugging out as he saw before them a souped-up DeLorean. Ice that had built up on the car's body was already beginning to melt away. The gull-wing doors abruptly popped up, and Setsuna staggered out.
"There you are!" she exclaimed, racing over to Chaos and Hotaru. "Quick, Chaos! You've got to come back with me!"
Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "Ano...back to where?"
Setsuna: "Back to the fanfic!"
Chaos: "Um, Setsuna, I'm on a date here with Hotaru. If I don't get her back home by eight, Haruka swore to use her cat-of-nine-tails on me."
Setsuna: "Well take her along. This concerns her too!"
Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "Setsuna, what happens in the future? Do we become idiots or something?"
Setsuna: [deliberate pause] "Oh, no! Hotaru turns out just fine. It's your kid, Chaos. We've got to do something about your kid!"
Chaos: --;; "Look, for the last time Hysteria is NOT MINE!!"
Setsuna: "I'm not talking about Hysteria."
Yet without giving either Chaos or Hotaru the chance to voice any more protests, Setsuna shooed them into the passenger seat of the Delorean. Chaos' eyebrow twitched as he glanced back and saw the garnet orb acting in place of the Flux Capacitor.
"Um, Setsuna," he asked. "Don't you need some explanatory sentences here? What about the plot?"
Setsuna grinned as she slipped a pair sunglasses over her eyes, and adjusted the driving gloves on her hands. "Plot? Where we're going we don't need...plot."
The DeLorean's engine roared to life as Setsuna put it in 'Drive' and slammed her foot on the accelerator. The sudden burst of speed caused Chaos to launch his complimentary peanuts up his nose.
And with a brilliant flash of light, the DeLorean vanished from the streets of Tokyo. The adventures that Chaos, Hotaru and Setsuna have in the future...I don't really feel like writing about at the moment.
[Cue the eyecatch!]
Want to discover the other 100 uses for a dead Totoro? Check out Kanji T. Bates' page at:
*Whew!* Okaaay, this proved to be an unexpectedly long Omakefic (so what else is new), but I'm using the defense/delusion that it's all because we introduced a new fangirl to the cast.
Naturally, thanks goes out to Havoc and Pandemonium who helped create every last & ecchi detail regarding our favourite F! Files operative.
Kudos to Carnage for creating the "Pon Poko/X-Files" scene off the top of his head at our last Animefest, and causing me to laugh my ass off for a good 5 minutes. Such a scene was too good for me to simply omit from this fic. And I'm still trying to find a way to get my butt reattached. Duct-tape just doesn't seem to be working.
And speaking of the handy otaku's secret weapon, Greenbeans came up with the Bubblegum Snap concept. While in the shower too, no less. See? Hentai's contagious. Oooh, Havoc feels so vindicated now! ^^
Chibi-Belldandy: ^^ "This Omakefic has been brought to you by the Ygg2K bug."
Chibi-Skuld: ^o^ "Are you getting Yggy with it?"
Chibi-Urd: [sigh!] "You two *do* realize that their author's already used that gag in the fic."
Chibi-Belldandy: [sweatdrop!] "You just ruined our closing segment."
Chibi-Skuld: [sniffling] "You're so mean, Urd!"
Chibi-Urd: --;; "Yare yare. I suppose being in this scene is better than being in Chaos' stupid fanfic saga, From The Urd To The Moon."
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