We begin where all great fanfiction begins: somewhere in the middle. Hey, it's a recent trend in Anime to screw the audience up by starting halfway into the story without any background info, so who are we to pass up on screwing with your minds too?
Our scene opens up showcasing the den of an old English manor. The windows outside reveal that it's night out now. Moonlight reflects off the whitened, new-fallen snow. Inside there's a large crackling fire, and in front of that is a large highback armchair with a small round table next to it.
The table is currently displaying an unkempt stack of Sailormoon S fansubs, as well as a half-eaten box of Chinese noodles from the Cat Cafe. There's also a piece of black negligee with the name 'Michiru' sewn in crimson draped over the side of the table...but we're not going there.
Seated comfortably in the armchair is the illustrious (if not notorious) Sailormoon author, His lordship Chaos. And he looks rather dapper in his Vash the Stampede red overcoat, and a Napoleon hat. He dramatically takes a sip from his snifter, which holds nothing but the best Schweppes ginger ale.
His lordship Chaos: ^-^ "Welcome again to Masterfic Theatre, where we take a perfectly good premise for a Sailormoon fanfic...and completely warp it according to our deranged little whims. Now let me introduce my assistant, TV's Chaos."
[Suddenly the English den backdrop crashes over backwards, revealing instead the dance floor for Planet Hentai.]
His lordship Chaos: "Chaos, I thought you said you securely duct-taped this thing."
Chaos: ^^;; [duct-taped to the wall] "I experienced some minor technical difficulties."
Pesti-chan: [sitting in a booth off to the side] "This is weird. The author's busy arguing with his own self-inserted incarnation."
Dark Mayhem: "How existential can you get?"
His lordship Chaos: "Hey, could you other fanboys keep it down back there? Go back to your gratuitous fanservice."
Dark Mayhem & Pesti: ^^v [nekkid flashes for everyone!] "Hai!"
His lordship Chaos: "Anyways, I'd like to first introduce today's guest victi--er, author. I'm sure many of you know her own avatar incarnation as Chaos' eternal nemesis...one of them, at least. Please give a rousing applause to Greenbeans!"
Havoc: ^-^ "Hotcha!"
Greenbeans: "Ano...I feel a draft. (o.O;) Give those back, Havoc!!"
[Greenbeans storms onto the set and glares at His lordship Chaos.]
Greenbeans: "Those were my favourite SD Haruka boxers, and he stole them."
His lordship Chaos: ^-^ "Yes, but now you're really getting quite the rousing applause with all the fanservice you're providing."
Planet Hentai patrons: "Wai! Wai!"
Greenbeans: [blush!] "......"
His lordship Chaos: "Now then, before we start off with today's featured fic, we have a special treat for you all. Chaos here is going to entertain you readers by juggling nine starseeds!"
Chaos: ^^v "I've been training in the off-season."
Greenbeans: "The SM anime has an off-season?"
His lordship Chaos: "We just call it Sailormoon SuperS."
[Cue the rim shot!]
His lordship Chaos: "Arigato!"
Babbit: ^-^ [on the drums] "Don't mention it."
His lordship Chaos: "Now then, my little avatar, care to impress the readers out there with your flawless agility and hand-eye coordination?"
Chaos: ^-^ "Hai!"
Greenbeans: [aside to the author] "You're letting the guy who duct-taped himself to the set play around with *real* starseeds?"
His lordship Chaos: "Its okay; he signed a waiver."
Greenbeans: "If you don't mind, I'll be standing waaaaay over here."
[Chaos begins to juggle nine starseeds flawlessly!]
Crowd: "Oooooh! Aaaaaah!"
[Suddenly out from the wings stomps an irate group of Sailor Senshi, the Inners from the left side and the Outers from the right!]
Senshi: "Give us back our starseeds, you idiot!"
Chaos: o.O;; "Uh-oh."
Senshi's stiletto shoes: *STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP!!!*
His lordship Chaos: [wince!] "Ooh, now that HAD to hurt."
Chaos: x.x "I-Itaaaaaii...."
Greenbeans: "Um...is he going to be okay?"
His lordship Chaos: [waving it aside] "Oh, he's just doing it to get some attention. Just ignore him and he'll be intact in no time."
Greenbeans: "So just what fanfiction violation have you incurred today, that you want me to bear witness to?"
His lordship Chaos: ^-^ "My fanboys are selling out."
Greenbeans: [deadpan] "WHAT?"
His lordship Chaos: "No, I'm serious. Cue the title!"
His lordship Chaos presents
THE FANBOYS SELL OUT!!
(Written in Fic-O-Vision)
Greenbeans: "I can't believe you idiots are pulling a stunt like this!"
His lordship Chaos: "Hey, if it worked for The Who, we figured why not try the scenario out on a bunch of famous self-inserted avatars. They didn't object, so why should you?"
Greenbeans: "So long as Havoc stops groping me, I'll be fine."
His lordship Chaos: ^-^ [angelic halo] "Would my uberperv do a thing like that?"
Greenbeans: "He would. And in fact...HE IS!!"
Havoc: [fondle fondle!] "Ooh, Mame-chan's getting a little excited here."
His lordship Chaos: "Well, at this rate someone's butt is going to get whupped--and it's not going to be mine. We're going to have to go to Plan B."
Chaos: [???] "We have a Plan B?"
His lordship Chaos: "You distract her, and I'll just RUN!!!"
[His lordship Chaos suddenly races off into the distance. Greenbeans & the fanboy Chaos now stare at the dissipating cloud of dust left in his wake.]
Chaos: "How am I supposed to distract Greenbeans if her lake god's not around for me to steal?"
[Cue the leather-clad, whip-toting...ChibiChibi?]
Chaos: o.O;; "What the hell?"
Red Queen ChibiChibi: [cracking her whip] "WOH HOH HOH OHO HO HOH!! Chibi chibi, chibi chibi chibi!"
Subtitle translation: *WOH HOH HOH OHO HO HOH!! Call me the Queen, you petty excuse for an avatar!*
A frantic SD Chaos: [run away!] "Kyaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"
Greenbeans: --;; "I hate those fanboys."
[Cue the fanboys selling out!]
It was a normal day in Tokyo for once.
If you consider the Drunken Master Mosquiton being forced by Inaho to get plastered on Sake, and then take on a room full of 50 undead ghouls just so she could get her O-Parts and become rich and famous.
Inaho: "Wow! If these youma are here, then so must be the O-Part!"
Drunken Mo-chan: ^-^; "Wow! If these youma are here, we're all gonna die!"
Drunken Master Mosquiton vs. room full of 50 youma.
Drunken Mo-chan wins!
But let's forget about how you can buy this priced-to-own Chaosfic, which comes in an autographed holographic casing and a limited edition Drunken Mo-chan playing card, for only $29,999.99 (give or take 5 Yen for shipping and handling).
Let's get back to the fic!
With a yawn that comes from a late night/early morning of Anime, Sake, take out, Hard Lemonade and the obligatory demon invasion they had to help the Senshi stop--of course...with Carnage and Demolition around they had actually destroyed more of the city than the demons could have ever hoped to. But let's not get into how suicidal that made the city rezoning committees.
Wearing his favourite boxer shorts with chibi Mako-chans on it, Pesti-chan scratched his slightly unkempt hair and shuffled over to the kitchen to find something to graze on before he showered. The apartment was surprisingly quiet for a Saturday morning; odds were the other fanboys were either outside or still sleeping in.
However, there appeared to be one other active otaku in the place.
"Ohayo, Chaos," Pesti-chan remarked groggily.
Chaos was sitting at the dining room table, busy poring over the Neo Tokyo Times #1 best-selling How-To book, 'Baka For Dummies', shaking his head as he finished the introduction. "I don't understand anything about this!" he lamented. "Although apparently all the examples of what a baka should not do have me as an example."
He scowled. "Where's my royalties for being in this book, dammit?!"
"Maybe you should try 'Avatarhood For Dummies' first," Pesti-chan dryly suggested.
"That could work," Chaos agreed. He then abruptly added, "But before I do that, I'd like to stop the fic for a moment, if I may."
A sweatdrop appeared next to Pesti-chan's head. "This can't be good."
Chaos strolled over to the living room, which had been converted into a late night show-style studio--complete with a large and awe-inspiring picture window that showed a magnificent view of the evening Tokyo skyline.
Pesti: [sweatdrop!] "How'd this get into the living room?"
"Never mind that," Chaos said casually, hopping up a small set of steps and then sitting down on the posh couch at the centre of the stage. "Now then, we all know about the infamy of Chaosfics. They've been toted as some of the greatest unnatural phenomena ever, right up there with the End of Eva movies and Just Kidding Vampirion. And believe me, those aren't easy standards to live up to."
Pesti: [more sweatdrops!] "Um...Chaos, who are you talking to? There's no one there, just the front door."
Chaos: "The readers, Pesti-chan. The readers are out there, and their credit cards are ripe for splurging."
Seemingly oblivious to the reality of logic, Chaos leaned over to a coffee table that was next to his posh couch. He ran his hands along the box sets placed neatly on the tabletop. "Now you too can own such classic Chaosfics as Child's Toy Story, James and the Giant Wedding Peach and The Blair Witches 5 Project. Plus you'll get your own autographed fic of the Making of Senshi Muyo. But wait, that's not all! Included with this is a special box set that allows you readers to get a sneak peek into the latest Chaosfics that will soon be out on the Net."
Pesti: [waving a hand in front of Chaos' face] "Moshi moshi?"
Chaos immediately swatted Pesti-chan's hand away. "Pesti, you're cramping my delivery," he hissed under his breath. Once the now utterly confused Pesti-chan stepped aside, Chaos flashed a sincere smile.
Chaos: ^-^ "Prepare yourself for such ground-breaking titles as: Heroic Legend of Armitage, Generator Gall Force, and Thundercatgirl NukuNuku. These currently unreleased Chaosfics are some of the most impressive ones I've ever written, and prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the best is yet to come."
Pesti: --;; "The way he writes, the best will take forever to arrive."
Chaos: "I heard that Pesti-chan! And what was so bad about that Mamoru Hunter Yokho fic I wrote last month?"
Pesti: [pointing to the front door] "Other than what Naoko sent to destroy you for having written it?"
[Cue the return of the leather-clad, whip-toting ChibiChibi!]
Chaos: o.O;; "KYAAAAAAAAAA!!! Red Queen ChibiChibi's back!"
But unfortunately for ChibiChibi, she was wearing really long stiletto shoes as a part of her all-leather cow ensemble. This unto itself wasn't specifically the problem, but her body was so small and her head was so ridiculously big that combined with the shoes, it rendered her completely off-balance. The two fanboys sweatdropped as Red Queen ChibiChibi lop-sidedly stumbled in one direction, frantically waving her arms to regain her centre of gravity.
Red Queen ChibiChibi: o.O "Chibichibichibichibichibichibi!!!"
And then she disappeared down the hall.
Chaos blinked a few times before remarking, "At least she makes for a good tapdancer. But if she had been a pinball machine, she would have been cancelled for so much tilting. And speaking of Pinball games, have any of you readers out there ever tried the game that's taking the arcades by storm: Street Sailor Star Fighter Alpha?"
Pesti-chan could only shake his head in disbelief as he headed for the fridge. "It must have been all that curried dim sum I ate last night. There's no other way to explain what's going on this fic."
Suddenly out from the hallway, stumbling in the completely opposite direction, was Red Queen ChibiChibi.
Red Queen ChibiChibi: o.O "Chibichibichibichibichibichibi!!!"
The two fanboys watched with a slight bit of bewildered interest as (unbalanced load that she was) ChibiChibi teetered across the apartment yet again.
"At the risk of making a really bad pun," Pesti-chan said as he rummaged through the fridge for some leftovers. "I'm getting the Heebie Chibies here."
* * *
Since it appeared Chaos was lost in his own little world of delusions yet again, Pesti-chan opted to visit someone a little less surreal. For obvious reasons, he avoided Hysteria's room like the plague. Dark Mayhem was (not surprisingly) absent; Pesti-chan could only assume it was time for another "tutorial session" with Ami.
So he opted to visit Carnage in the hall closet. As it turned out, Carnage was busy with an annual inventory check of absolutely everything stored in his pan-dimensional hangar bay. Currently out on display (and to soon receive a much-needed dusting) was the Star Tear from MAPS, capable of wiping out an entire planet.
Pesti: [poking the tear] "Ne, Carnage, what's with the oversized sweatdrop?"
Carnage: o.O;; "No! Don't pop the--!"
The idyllic peace of Tokyo came to an abrupt end a few seconds later when a deafening explosion rocked the entire city. Inside the thoroughly-charred hangar bay, as pieces of now obliterated mecha rained down, Pesti-chan turned to Carnage and managed to deliver a sheepish grin.
Carnage let out a lamenting sigh as he appraised the pieces of mobile suits littering the hangars. "Look at all the scuff marks you left on my Gundams, Pesti-chan! It'll take weeks to clean them up!"
[Carnage pauses and then brings out a small aerosol can!]
Carnage: "But luckily for me, I use the choice Gundam polish: Zechs Wax. Yes indeed, with this baby you can have even the rustiest old mecha looking restored and customized in mere hours. So why settle for having your suits look like some junky old Leo or Taurus? Zechs wax: accept no substitutes. Because if you do, I'll be forced to come over to your house and kick your ass."
Pesti: o.O; "......"