* * *
Red Mantle: [leaping across the fic to change scenes!] "Aka Manto wipe...but before I go, I have some authentic Red Mantle memorabilia that's up for bid. Not only have they been worn by me, but they were also woven, sewn and hemmed with stitches of love and justice."
[Suddenly the new scene is flooded by hordes of love-crazed girls!]
Red Mantle: "Item number one: here are some socks I've worn...1000 yen."
Drooling Girl #1: "10,000 yen!"
Drooling Girl #2: "50,000 yen!"
Drooling Girl #3: "150,000 yen!"
Pesti: --;; "What the hey?"
"It's too early in the morning for this sort of thing to be happening," the less than thrilled otaku groaned, pushing through the excited crowd of ladies. He glanced down and appraised himself. His hair was disheveled from his sleep, and he was now covered in ash from the Star Tear's detonation. And (horror of horrors!) his Chibi Mako-chan patterned boxers had scorch marks all over them.
Pesti-chan groaned again as he headed for the bathroom. "Maybe a nice, quiet, hot bath will make this all go away."
He slid open the bathroom door...only to see a shirtless Demolition in front of the bathroom mirror, flexing all his arm and chest muscles. Pieces of Demolition's armor were scattered across the floor.
Demolition: [flex flex!] "I'm just so damned sexy this morning, those women at the Red Mantle memorabilia auction will have to notice me!"
Pesti: [turning to leave] "I'll leave you two alone for a little while longer."
"Ah, Pesti-chan!" Demolition exclaimed with a smile, grabbing hold of Pesti-chan and yanking the hapless fanboy into the bathroom. "Just the overlord of Mass Destruction I wanted to see! Now then, what is it that I do best?"
Pesti-chan thought for a few seconds and then hazarded a guess. "Terrorize us with your half-naked, muscle-flexing state?"
"No!" Demolition retorted, putting Pesti-chan in a headlock. "As all the readers out there know, I'm a fantasy breed of fanboy. I've got my armor. I've got my Sword of Light. I've even got my Slayers spells. But nothing says 'Kickass fantasy RPG badboy' like these."
[Demolition immediately thrusts out a series of namebrand demon wards for all to see!]
Demolition: "Check out these babies. They're state of the mystic art demon wards, each one handcrafted and hand-written by Shinto monks who live on some distant, hidden temple in northern Japan. These are the demon wards of choice by famous spiritualists like Subaru Sumeragi, Rei Hino and that Chinese ghostbuster, Redbeard."
Pesti: --;; "This is even worse than that Youma-B-Gone spray he promoted last week."
Pesti-chan managed to slip away and head into the bathroom as Demolition continued to espouse the virtues of the 'Easy Oni-Easy Off' demon wards.
After stripping down and grabbing a towel for himself, Pesti-chan slid open the door to the bathing room...and stopped upon spying Genma Panda sitting behind a large concession stand that was situated right next to the tub of warm water.
Genma Panda: [with sign!] *Want me tell you about Jusenkyo's all-natural, therapeutic, Spring of Drowned Potato water?*
Pesti: [annoyed as he prepares to step into the water] "No. Now go away, I'm taking a bath."
Genma Panda: *But that'll ruin the supply of it we have in your tub.*
Pesti: o.O; [recoiling in terror] "KYAAAAAAAAAA!! WHAT ARE YOU, INSANE?!?!"
Genma Panda: ^^; *Er, remember that I am an endangered species.*
Pesti: --;; [grrr!] "You're not endangered enough. Get over here...."
* * *
After his close encounter with becoming a potato (and thusly joining the rest of this fic in being half-baked), Pesti-chan scuttled out from the bathing room. Demolition was still in front of the sink and mirror.
Demolition: [flex flex!] "Yes indeed, if you join the Gato Gym and work out, you can be just as manly as me!! Oh yeah! You too can wrestle dragons in your spare time...provided they're not the ones in Lodoss who are the side of Mount Everest. But if you act now, and you can get a year of membership at a thirty percent discount price!"
"Maybe I should just go outside," Pesti-chan sighed, heading towards his bedroom to change. However, he failed to get to his own door when SD Chic and SD Gorgeous suddenly dropped down from above and abducted the still boxer-clad fanboy!
"What's going on?!" he exclaimed as they hoisted him over their heads and ran off.
Pesti-chan found out shortly thereafter as he was dropped onto a large armchair. On a loveseat adjacent to him sat Sarcasm, who had her arms and legs wrapped around her latest bishounen: Basara's resident drag dancer, Ageha.
Studio director Babbit: "Okay, we're on Sarcasm!"
Sarcasm: [fondling Ageha] "Ooooh, Age-chan!"
Babbit: --;; "Sarcasm?"
Sarcasm: [drooling] "Age-chan...."
Babbit: [sigh!] "Okay, I'm bringing out the crowbar."
After Sarcasm was pried apart from Ageha, she cleared her throat and began to plug her wares. "I'm here to tell you all about the amazing new soup from the goddess-run food company, CampBelldandy."
"CAMPBELLDANDY?!" Pesti-chan exclaimed.
Sarcasm immediately whipped out her Zanba Spatula, clocking Pesti-chan in the face with it as she smiled to her studio audience of harem boys.
"Yes, that's right," she stated, not missing a beat as she pointed to the CampBelldandy corporate logo on her Zanba Spatula. "And on behalf of those ravishingly handsome bishie gourmets, I want to tell you fangirls out there that this is the best stock to soak your pretty-boys in. The broth makes them extra tasty if you ever crave one of those--"
She stopped and giggled.
"--midnight nibblings. Go to your nearest grocery store and buy the Sarcasm-endorsed brand of soup: Bishie-soise!"
Slowly picking his battered self out from the couch, Pesti-chan rubbed the large Band-Aid that had materialized over his nose. "I don't think this could get any worse," he groaned.
Suddenly Sarcasm snapped her fingers, and the backdrop was lifted up into the rafters to reveal a large indoor kitchen behind the couches. And there behind a counter with its oven burners, pots, pans and utensils, was Kino Makoto in an apron.
Makoto: "I am...the Sailor Iron Chef!"
Pesti: ;_; "Et tu, Mako-chan? Et tu?"
"Now then," Sarcasm said as her loveseat was wheeled offstage. "To demonstrate how delectable Bishie-soise is, here's Makoto to show you how to easily prepare it!"
Makoto rolled back her sleeves, taking a tomato in her hand. On the sidelines, all the Asteroid Senshi and Sailor Animates were furiously scribbling notes and taking pictures as Makoto prepared to meet her challenger. Out stepped...Mink the dragon half, who raced onto the set and grabbed hold of the little red vegetable before it was dropped into the stewpot.
"Not the tomato, it's mine!" she exclaimed.
Makoto scowled at the cute, SD redhead. "Well I need something to go into this soup! The live studio audience requires something to applaud at."
Mink: ^-^ "I'll give you my octopus. I hate the way it looks."
Makoto gave the dark elf a questioning look.
Sarcasm returned with an indifferent shrug. "Works. I'll just need that industrial-strength blender. And then I can serve this to Shinobu...and then rip off his shirt and smear it on his chest and lick it off...and when I get tired of that, I'll just jump him and tie him to the bed...ehehehe...and then this...and then that...."
Sarcasm degenerated into a female version of a drooling Carrot Glaces.
[This 'obligatory shameless plug bit' has been cut short due to excessive fangirl ecchiness. Gomen nasai....]
* * *
Pesti-chan shook his head as he wandered through the streets of Tokyo, trying to clear his mind. He'd barely survived the Sailor Iron Chef ordeal, and had managed to change into some actual clothes without interruption.
"It doesn't make any sense," he mused. "Are we that in debt that we have to so blatantly hoc some cheesy merchandise to pay off our bills? Or are we so famous and shallow that corporations recognize they can buy us off, and have us pander to the masses just to plug their name brands?"
He abruptly froze, his eyebrow twitching at the sudden implications.
Pesti: o.O; "It must be that we're in debt. Definitely. Way way waaaaaay in debt."
Suddenly, without warning, he sensed a shadow looming over him. Moments later ninja-boy Ruckus pounced, happily glomping onto Pesti-chan's back and snuggling up close. "Ohayo, Pesti-chan!" he exclaimed.
Naturally Pesti-chan went all to pieces.
"Warn us when you're going to do that!" SD Pesti #6 snapped from atop the pile of flailing chibi-fanboys. He was immediately hoisted up by the back of his collar by Ruckus.
"You look so cute like that," Ruckus sighed wistfully. "I just might collect all six of you and make you my personal plushie dolls."
SD Pesti #3 scowled and crossed his chibi arms over his chibi chests. "I refuse to pander to yaoi-boy over here. Give me Rule 3, or give me death!"
"Aw, but don't you find my bishie cross-dressing tendencies adorable?" Ruckus asked, hugging a now panicky SD Pesti #3.
Came the resounding reply (and sploot!): "NO!!"
Ruckus: ^-^v "And what better way to demonstrate how yaoi can be cute and cool than to show you readers the latest toy from Sonii-sama."
SD Pesti #4: [looking down at said toy] "Um...it's a cyberdog."
Ruckus: "But not just any cyberdog. It's Shonen Aibo!"
SD Pesti #4: o.O; [ack!] "It's humping my leg!!"
But unfortunately for Ruckus, her--er, his li'l yaoi-programmed Shonen Aibo dog contracted a case of cyberrabies. Shonen Aibo foamed at the mouth and then started to bark ferociously before racing down the street. Ruckus immediately vaulted onto the side of a building, while all the knee-high Pesti-chans frantically scrambled out of the way.
Somewhere down the street, a startled nekojin made her displeasure with being nipped in the rear end by Shonen Aibo very obvious.
"Ooooh, Aisha ClanClan looks fully pissed off," Ruckus remarked from where he sat on the wall. "And that must be some case of cyberrabies if my poor Shonen Aibo went after a girl."
He looked down at the Pesti-chans. Do I still have time to tell the readers about my new line of unisex lingerie?"
SD Pesti #6: --;; "Not a chance."
Ruckus: ^-^ [pounce!] "Then can I just fondle you instead?"
SD Pesti #6: o.O;; "KYAAAAAAAA!! GET AWAY FROM ME!!!"
SD Pesti #1: [sniffling with kawaii kitty ears] "Ne, can we go back and watch Mako-chan do her Sailor Iron Chef show?"
SD Pesti #3: "That sounds like a great idea! We can have her cook in just her apron! Or even buck nekkid!"
SD Pesti #5: o.O [nosebleed!] "Mako-chan...naked?"
[SD Pesti-chan #5 passes out.]
SD Pesti #4: "Kyaaaa! We've got a Pesti down!"
SD Pesti #6: [frantically running away] "What part of my death threat did you not understand?! KYAAAA!!"
Ruckus: ^-^ "I want to spend all my Saturday mornings like this."
SD Pesti #2: [sigh!] "That's it, I can't take any more of this fic sober. If any of you idiots need me, I'll get at a karaoke bar getting drunk."
* * *
Well, after escaping Ruckus' glomping sessions, Pesti-chan reassembled himself and continued his walking tour of Tokyo. Now he was really worried--aside from the fact that Ruckus was gunning for him. But it appeared that even the newest members of the Fanboys! gang were not immune to this bizarre selling out.
Then his stomach loudly reminded him that he hadn't even had the chance to eat breakfast. Pesti-chan scanned the street, looking for a restaurant he might be able to step into. One in particular caught his eye, though not in a good way.
This was one of those 'The Galaxy Express 999 parked on me again' moments.
Desolation: "Been there, have the wheel marks for that on my back."
Pesti: [???] "Where's your Fairy Godbabbit?"
Desolation: "Oh, he's still trying to direct Sarcasm and that Bishie-soise infomercial."
Pesti: "Aren't you going to try and sell something?"
Desolation: [checking his watch] "I don't think I could tell the readers about my brand of universal maps before I get crushed by the River Delta--"
[Cue the spacebase from Infinite Ryvius falling through the Gedoult Sea, and crushing Desolation for no apparent reason!]
Pesti-chan turned away from the large space colony now in the middle of the street, and headed towards a disturbingly cute restaurant. "What the?"
It was a newly-opened cafe. Such a thing was not entirely new to Tokyo. But then again, how many cafes featured a frighteningly large assortment of cute frills, ribbons, bowties, aprons and plushie dolls as their interior decoration? Pesti-chan slowly looked up to a large pink sign that proudly stated:
KAWAII CAFE, NE?
"You have got to be kidding me," he said, still in shock.
"The city only wishes," Dark Mayhem retorted as he and the virtuous (not to mention scantily-clad) Ami-chan came walking down the street. "There would actually be another two 'ne?' things there, but she didn't have enough room on the sign for them."
Pesti-chan peered into the front windows for a closer inspection. As it turned out, Hysteria's cafe was bustling with business, every chair and stool being occupied. Of course...said occupants had also all been kidnapped, dragged into the cafe and then chained to their tables.
Dark Mayhem pointed out the two hairy waiters she'd recruited. "This is proof that Mass Hysteria is present within," he said. "Tora the tiger demon and Inu-Yasha the half dog demon are working together to escape from the place."
Hysteria: ^-^ [popping up!] "Hai! And kawaii little Hysteria-chan welcomes you to her kawaii little Kawaii Cafe, Ne? Ne? Ne? Our kawaii little hour-chans are from nine to nine every kawaii little day-chan. Plus this week Hysteria's so happy to bring you a kawaii little special drink of the day-chan: straight from Gaoguyver, it's the kawaii little Dividing Screwdriver-chan!"
Pesti: "How many times has she used the word 'kawaii' already?"
Ami: "Too many. That, and seven times."
Hysteria: "So all of you kawaii little reader-chans get your kawaii little butt-chans down here, or else Hysteria might have to go Red Queen on them!"
Dark Mayhem shook his head as he stared down at Hysteria. "You really are a step lower than a toaster oven on the evolutionary ladder, you know that?"
"I don't think I'd place her *that* high," Pesti-chan muttered.
"Wai! Wai!" Hysteria cheered, waving some kawaii little fans in the air. "Hysteria's lower than a--HEY!!"
"Hysteria doesn't seem fazed about how all her potential parents want to disown her," Ami remarked.
"Hai!" Hysteria enthusiastically agreed yet again. "It's all water off a kawaii little Psyduck-chan's back!"
[Cue the facevaults!]
Hysteria: ^-^ "And since we're on the kawaii little subject-chan, Hysteria wants all you kawaii little otaku-chans out there to buy her oh so kawaii little Pokerat-chans as your newest pet! Hysteria's been working very hard to create new Pokerat-chans...and then Hysteria realized that she doesn't need to create kawaii new ones!"
Pesti: [sweatdrop!] "She doesn't?"
Hysteria: "Nope, Pesti-poppa. All Hysteria had to do was find that kawaii little mad scientist-chan, Diol, and have him help Hysteria crossbreed those kawaii little Pokerat-chans!"
Ami visibly paled as she stared at the Pokemon mutations being led out from the Kawaii Cafe (Ne?). "She's not serious, is she?"
"Sadly, she's very serious," Dark Mayhem replied. "Come on, Ami-chan, let's get out of here before Pesti-chan's brain explodes and makes an unsightly mess...but not before we tell the readers out there about the latest in fire extinguisher technology!"
Ami: ^_- "If you're a girl like me who's hot for her Carrot-chan, but doesn't want him smoking all through foreplay, you need this!"
Dark Mayhem: [hauling out a large canister] "Say 'ohayo' to the Squishysoft Ice Blaster, Mk. II!"
Pesti: "Ano...that label says 'Flamethrower of Recca."
Dark Mayhem: [tossing the blowtorch] "Wrong product!"
Ami: "Here's your extinguisher, Carrot-chan."
Dark Mayhem: [catching the fire extinguisher] "Thank you! Now then, the Squishysoft Ice Blaster Mk. II is state of the art in dousing all those pesky spontaneous combustions. It'll help fan the flames of your romantic passion, but without setting ablaze the furniture around you."
Ami: ^_- "Even better; the foam's edible, and comes in mint frosting flavour too."
Dark Mayhem: "Squishysoft: the official namebrand extinguisher used by Naga to douse herself off after being at the receiving end of one of Lina Inverse's Fireball spells. And Squishysoft's line of extinguishers has nothing to do with the company taking over the world and crushing Pretty Sammy. Well...we openly disapprove of the first thing anyways."
Pesti: --;; "Are you two finished yet?"
Ami: "Not entirely. We need to go back to Carrot-chan's room and show the readers how effective it is."
And with that, off Dark Mayhem and Ami went.
"You do that," Pesti-chan said after them.
However, the momentary peace (along with Pesti-chan) was shattered as Hysteria put a megaphone next to his ear and shouted, "PAY ATTENTION TO KAWAII LITTLE HYSTERIA'S POKERAT-CHANS!!!"
As the stunned pile o' SD Pesti-chan's struggled to untangle themselves, Hysteria stood back to present her unholy legion of the cute and just plain wrong. "Welcome the newest Pokerat-chan: Psychu!"
In bounded a small, yellow rat with a large duck's bill. The Psychu immediately grabbed it's head in pain and warbled, "Psy...Psykachu."
Chaos: ^-^ "Yet another satisfied reviewer of my brilliant epic: Idol Project A-ko!"
Pesti: [punting Chaos out of the scene] "Would you cut that out, you twit?!"