* * *
"Next," Hysteria said, suddenly standing atop a large fashion runway decorated with many many kawaii ribbons and paper scrunchy thingies. "Hysteria would like to show you all the kawaii little Lickaduck-chan!"
A pan-dimensional spotlight shone down on a large Psyduck with a big tongue hanging out of its mouth. Frighteningly enough, the oversized tongue actually made the crossbreed look dumber and more useless than the original duck version. And let's just be thankful Hysteria didn't tempt fate and create a Disco Psyduck.
"And," the uber-kawaii, impossibly Gainax bounce-endowed child continued. "Hysteria's personal favourite-chan...the Victory Belldandy!"
Red Queen Chibi: [tipping sideways across the street]
Hysteria: "Ano...Hysteria asked for her kawaii little Victory Belldandy-chan, not that."
[Cue a bell flower with its drooping and tubular bloom...but with Belldandy's face in the middle of all the petals.]
Victory Belldandy: ^-^ "Ohayo. Do I get to fight you today?"
Pesti: o.O; "Uso."
"There was just unkawaii little problem-chan," Hysteria sighed in lament.
Pesti-chan rolled his eyes, somehow having expected this from someone as reality-challenged as her. "Dare I ask what?" he inquired as he massaged his temples.
Hysteria shook her head sadly. "All those kawaii little Pokerat-chans Hysteria crossbred turned out to be ferocious carnivores."
Yes indeed, just before you could hear the entire Street Fighter gang sing their latest #1 hit single "Everybody Wang Chun-li Tonight" (available now at a music store near you!), the crossbred Pokerats started to attack and messily devour any hapless citizen that was venturing down the street.
But luckily for Yakumo, Pai remembered to bring extra gauze this time.
Hysteria: ^-^ [oblivious to the carnage behind her] "Hysteria hopes all you kawaii readers come on down to her kawaii little Kawaii Cafe, and buy one of her adorable Pokerat-chan pets...if the Pokerat-chans don't eat you first. You can also order them over the kawaii little Internet-chan too, along with Hysteria's kawaii little Fanboy-chan memorial tea sets! Order now and get a free little captive guest set-chan!"
At the risk of stating the obvious, Pesti-chan fled the scene. Now even wandering the streets of Tokyo left him paranoid, fearing as to who would accost him next just to try and sell some name brand.
He passed by Roger Smith...and it appeared that Paradigm City's top negotiator was having a little problem summoning his magnificently absurd-looking mecha, Big O, to save the city yet again.
Roger Smith: [talking into his wristwatch] "Big O, party time! No...that's not it. Big O, big time! No, not that
either...Shimatta! I know the command code ended with a 'time'."
Now Roger Smith is only one of the many mech pilots who's had this problem. Bad enough you lock your keys inside the cockpit of your big & bad-assed mobile suit, and have to use a coat hanger to unlock the entry door, but other mecha pilots will never take you seriously afterwards.
That's why you need....the Pilot's Wings of Honneamise!
Yes, you too can attach this trendy pin to your flightsuit and be the envy of goody-goody junior pilots anywhere! But don't take this author's word for it. Look at what these real life celebrity mecha pilots have to say in a completely unrehearsed testimonial:
Wufei: "These pilot wings made my fellow Gundam pilots finally respect me."
Hiiro: "What the hell are you talking about? You're still a pansy-assed mech driver, Wufei."
Duo: "Come on! 'I am not strong enough'?! You're in a mobile suit made from Gundanium! Nothing short of a moving asteroid can stop us!"
Trowa: "They're right, you know. Why don't you stop bitching and kick some OZ butt?"
Riot: ^^ "Ah, and what a most honourable butt kicking-fu you Gundam pilots perform. But before you challenge OZ to such a most honourable anything-goes martial art, do not forget to buy my new book of Zen-fu."
[The scene abruptly changes to a Buddhist rock garden, where Riot sits meditating before his most honourable katana sword.]
Riot: "Otaku wishing to perfect the most honourable technique of Zen-fu will wish to take advantage of the secrets hidden within this book. You will learn the meaning of such nonsensical phrases as 'I am damned unsatisfied to be killed this way' as well as the classic unsolved Zen-fu riddle: 'Masturbate in hell.'"
[Riot pauses to pull out from his sleeve a small scroll with the title 'My most honourable book of Zen-fu' scrawled on the side of the casing.]
Riot: "Order now and receive a most honourably free groin cup. So be a most honourable fan and buy my book. Otherwise, I will beat you out of recognizable shape."
Pesti-chan frantically raced through the streets, his wide eyes searching out anyone who he even remotely recognized as a character from the Fanboys! series. Even the smallest cameo role was suspect for trying to pull a product plug stunt.
Ash: "Okay, you otaku screwheads, listen up. See this? This is my BOOMSTICK! It's a twelve gauge, double-barreled Remmington; S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department."
Pesti-chan: [punting Bruce Campbell from the fic] "You're not even an Anime character!!!"
His paranoia had been raised to new levels. How could this have happened? How could his fellow, Anime-loving otaku become spokespuppets and sell out?
"You can't escape the fic's sponsors, you know," a voice was heard to remark.
Pesti-chan looked around, but didn't find anyone around. However, when he looked up, he saw a strange guy reclining in the air as if it was a couch. "Who are you?" he asked.
The stranger, clad in a suave blue suit and yellow tie (much like Lupin III), gave the surprised fanboy the V-sign. "I am--"
The stranger paused to yank on a pan-dimensional rope hanging next to him. And down came a large fancy backdrop with many scantily-clad catgirls stretching and twisting their bodies to form the letters that spelled out:
Pesti: [reading] "Ano...'The Rat Bastard'?"
The Rat Bastard: ^^ "Hai! Not 'a', nor 'any other', but THE Rat Bastard."
"So what do you do?"
The Rat Bastard shrugged. And Pesti-chan noted that the guy had a perpetual grin almost like Havoc. However, this one bore a playful malevolence that rivaled Anarchy's smiles right before Chaos was punted across the universe just for the hell of it.
"Not much really," The Rat Bastard replied. "According to my character contract, I pop up every now again in this last season for no apparent reason. Not to mention I don't actually serve any purpose in this fic."
"You don't even help to move the plot forward?"
"Nope. I'm completely irrelevant. But I do get to make any further appearance with a nubile Anime babe sitting on my lap! And I get to harass you guys with pointless sight gags, taunts and offside remarks!"
Pesti: [eye roll!] "Oh, that's just grand. Now our fic has a Xellos archetype."
The Rat Bastard: ^^v "It's fun being a self-inserted Mazoku avatar."
"So are you the one behind this?" Pesti-chan inquired darkly.
The Rat Bastard gave Pesti-chan a most innocent look. "Behind what?"
By now, Pesti-chan had become quite the aggravated li'l fanboy. "Behind all the shameless merchandizing in this fic?!" he exclaimed.
"Oh, you want me to hawk something? I'm sure there's a generic brand of Anime toothpaste I could sell."
"No selling! I want you to help me stop it!"
The Rat Bastard: "So you want the culprit, then? That's...."
Pesti: [leaning forward] "That's...?"
The Rat Bastard: ^^ "A secret!"
Pesti: --;; "SHIN'NE."
At that, Pesti-chan started lobbing cabbages at the Rat Bastard. When that failed to have any effect, he started throwing Rumblequake attacks in every direction. But the Rat Bastard just effortless dodged every single attack thrown his way. The scantily-clad catgirls who'd made up the sign started waving pompoms and cheering the Rat Bastard on. At the risk of stating the obvious, that didn't help lighten Pesti-chan's overall grumpiness.
"Just where did you get those cheerleading nekojin anyways?" he growled.
The Rat Bastard glanced back at the catgirls. "Oh, them? They just decided to follow me earlier. It's not like I really need them, admittedly."
Pesti-chan gawked at the Lupin-like Rat Bastard. "You have scantily-clad catgirls for groupies, and you don't care?!"
"No. I have very little sense of scale."
"And you call yourself a fanboy," Pesti-chan stated, priming yet another Rumblequake. "It's because of evil creatures like you that the rest of us are all cursed!"
"Sure, you could uselessly try to injure me," The Rat Bastard remarked, still grinning as he filed his fingernails. "But you might want to pay more attention to that fangirl coming towards you."
Pesti: [looking over his shoulder] "The what?"
Desolation: o.O;; [frantically running in front of an oversized Pokeball] "Buy Norwich 'Wu'nion Accident Insurance! It's always worked for me!"
Star Sailor Polaris: [in her B-ko suit, cheering on the Pokeball] "Uterusmon, I choose you!!"
[Cue the oversized gentle uterus!]
Desolation: "Kyaaaa! So much for my chance to advertize for my Severed Head & Shoulders shampoo!"
Seconds later Desolation was squished by the no-so-gentle Uterusmon.
Pesti-chan turned back to the Rat Bastard, but the guy had mysteriously vanished. Resigned to continue running as he had before, Pesti-chan made his way through the city. Yet he abruptly stopped as he saw a large neon bra across the street from him. There, like a perverted oasis in a desert of insanity, was the Planet Hentai.
"Havoc!" Pesti-chan exclaimed with renewed hope. "As the Hentenno, he's on the cutting edge of avant garde. He won't bow to any endorsements!"
With a half-relieved/half-deranged laugh, Pesti-chan dropped to his knees and shouted to the skies above. "Once again, the fic is saved by mindless hentai!" he happily proclaimed.
That said, he quickly raced up the front steps and into Planet Hentai. With evening setting in, the club was starting to fill up. Numerous tables bustled with patrons as Variable Geo waitresses roller-skated down the aisles. The dance floor had a number of couples bumping and grinding, while the cage dancers seemed full of genki Gainax energy.
Pesti-chan made his way through all the token fanservice, and finally reached the Benkyo Brigade's reserved booth. The entire gang was there, including Havoc-kun.
"Pesti-chan, what are you doing back here so soon?" Jyako Amano remarked. "Makoto doesn't mud wrestle until tomorrow night against Rei."
"It's not that," Pesti-chan countered. "I've already got front row tickets for that, right next to Carnage. It's about
merchandising, Havoc. Merchandising!"
A question mark appeared over Havoc's head. "You think you've got an idea for something we can sell in the gift shop?"
"No, not that," he countered, shaking his head. "It's the fic."
Kintaro suddenly jumped up from his seat. "Woah! Nipples ahoy!" he stated, pointing towards a very noticeable woman in a revealing AD Police uniform.
"Pan-chan!" Havoc-kun said happily. "Come for--I mean, to Hentenno!"
Sure enough, Pandemonium marched (and jiggled) her way over to the booth. And not surprisingly, she looked very agitated about something. But for once her naughty tentacles of justice weren't deployed and ready to frisk someone.
"What's the matter?" Minni-May asked.
Pandemonium turned around to look at Havoc, her bosoms clocking Pesti-chan in the process.
Megumi: [looking over the table] "Daijobu?"
Pesti: @.@ "Aiya...33-DD house of nipples...."
"It's my joints that are the problem," Pandemonium complained. She lifted one of her arms, and got only halfway up before it started to creak loudly and seize up. "Otoka-san, I need lubrication and fast!"
Havoc nodded in understanding, and then reached beneath his DOJI BOY sweater. Pesti-chan's eyes bugged out as the uberperv held up a large namebrand canister for all the readers to see.
Havoc: "It's at times like this that I highly recommend you go with GENOM's very own Boomer Ooze, secreted from only the most nubile of Sexaroids around. You can shop anywhere you like, but you will only find this amazing product at the Planet Hentai! Order now and we'll also throw in this complimentary Blow-Up Serenity doll, and a fruit basket."
It was then that the Benkyo Brigade noticed how Pesti-chan was putting a fair degree of distance between himself and them.
"Where are you going?" Havoc-kun inquired. "I haven't even been able to tell everyone out there about the Hentenno-approved brand of Jello that we use in our wrestling pits."
Pesti-chan shrank away from the uberperv, very slowly and deliberately backing out of the club. "They got to you too, didn't they?" he said quietly.
"Whatever are you talking about?" Havoc said, feigning confusion.
But Pesti-chan was too far gone in his conspiracy theories. "I don't believe it!" he mused to himself. "They managed to subvert Havoc of all people into their unholy ranks. The fic as we know it is doomed."
Havoc-chan: ^-^ [popping up!] "But Pesti-chan, it is our mission in this fic to tell the readers about the Ctarl Klein panties for catgirls. They come with a special hole in the back for the nekojin's tail!"
Kintaro: [standing dramatically atop a table] "And you can study this, plus many other women's underwear, at the newest chain that the Benkyo Brigade has founded: The Hap!"
Happosai: ^^v "I got a store named after me. Hotcha!"
Pesti: o.O "KYAAAAA!! Run away, run away!
"He knows too much," Charon murmured to Havoc as they watched Pesti-chan frantically scramble to the nearest exit.
Havoc nodded. "Booty call security. Make sure the Aika girls stop him before he escapes."
Pesti-chan had already reached the front door when he saw the Gainax-bouncing reinforcements storm the Planet Hentai. Cornered by the deadly gang of Aika girls in their panty-revealing black dresses and very very short skirts, Pesti-chan knew that it was the end for him. Then he had an idea.
"Yawara the fashionable Judo girl's in the Jello wrestling pit!" he exclaimed, pointing to the front stage.
Instantly all the Aika girls dogpiled the Jello pit.
Pesti: ^-^v "Suckers."
* * *
Things were starting to get very hairy for poor Pesti-chan, and he hadn't even Zoantropied yet! Whatever evil forces had taken control of the fic and making the fanboys sell their products now wanted to stop him. With no otaku left to trust, he realized there was only one option left to him.
When evil was afoot (or ahand, and you do always have to hand it to evil to come up with such hair-brained, lameass plots to rule the world), there was always someone the city of Tokyo could count on the save the world!
No, not Godzilla. Though he ranks as a very close second. But we're talking about those pretty soldiers of love and justice: the Sailor Senshi!
Pesti-chan caught a bus route that took him to the front steps of the Fire River temple. Hoping that the Senshi were meeting there as they always tended to, he raced beneath the large Torii.
Gasping for breath, he threw open one of the sliding screens and collapsed onto the floor. In his blurring vision, he could see the Inner Senshi leap to their feet and race to his side. Minako and Usagi helped him onto one of the chairs, fanning his face.
"Kamui, what happened?" Rei asked.
Pesti-chan had to wait a few moments before he caught his breath again. "It's the most horrible thing," he said. "Evil corporate sponsors have taken over the fic. They've enslaved everyone, turning them into mindless infomercial hosts!"
The Senshi all let out a collective gasp of horror.
"How dare they think they can get away with that!" Minako exclaimed indignantly.
Hotaru gave Pesti-chan a worried look. "Did they get my Chaos-chan too?"
"He was one of the first ones," Pesti-chan replied. "But not only that, they've also seduced Ami and Makoto into this too."
"Well, don't worry," Usagi stated emphatically. "We won't stand for such a shameless thing. In the name of the moon, we shall punish them!"
All the Senshi nodded emphatically.
"You see," Rei sighed as she reclined in her Suzaku Shier sweatshirt and pants. "Celebrities just promote things because they're paid to, and not because they think it's a good product. And that's just really sad."
Usagi nodded. "Hai hai. But we're pretty soldiers of love and justice, and we don't bow down to that kind of cheap advertising." She paused and smiled as she held up a pair of Tamahome Hilfiger pants.
"I can't talk about this anymore," Minako sighed. "It's giving me the chills."
"Here, put this on," Michiru said, tossing Minako a sweater.
Minako purred warmly as she snuggled up in the sweater, making sure the label could be seen. "Ah, Club Minako, made from only the finest of cabbit fur."
Pesti: o.O;; "Oh no...not you too. I gotta get out of here."
He turned to leave, but found then entrance blocked by Haruka. "What's the matter, Kamui?" she inquired, crooking her finger enticingly. "If you need a ride that badly, you can take my Haruka Davidson motorcycle. It's got--"
"I'm not listening!" Pesti-chan shouted, covering his ears and loudly humming 'Dynamite Mambo' to himself.
"Join us, Kamui," Hotaru said as she slowly stood up to reveal her Fruit of the Lupin negligee. "You know you want to."
The other Senshi slowly rose up as well, moving towards Pesti-chan. He suddenly realized that they were surrounding him!
"You can't fight us," Setsuna said, showing him how snug she was in her Lina Strauss bluejeans. "Corporate sponsorship will be what rules Crystal Tokyo."
They moved to finish the task and subdue Pesti-chan, but he was ready for that. Instantly he shattered into his 6 SD selves, who (after much pointless shouting and bumping into each other) dashed between the Senshi's legs and made their break for freedom.
Haruka: [drawing her Space Sword] "After him!"
Minako: "Ano...which one?"
Haruka: "Er, all of him!"
But the SD Pesti-chans already had a significant headstart as they raced across the Shinto temple grounds. One by one they reassembled themselves...pausing momentarily as SD Pesti #3 was slightly delayed due to stealing Minako's 'Hentai Her Way' brand panties.
Yet there was someone waiting for him beneath the Torii. Pesti-chan skidded to a stop as he saw a lone figure with her back turned to him. The mystery person slowly turned around, and the blood drained from Pesti-chan's face.
Naoko Takeuchi: ^-^ "Have I ever told the readers about this wondrous new otaku-crushing mallet?"
And then she decided to give the readers a visual demonstration on how lightweight but destructively effective said mallet was by rendering Pesti-chan a large hole in the earth.
A shaky li'l arm rose up from the crater a while later, waving a little white flag in surrender.
[Cue six SD Zoantropied monsters bounding across the fic!]
Makoto: "I admit, it can be awkward having a boyfriend who turns into either one large furball or a bunch of small furballs. I though I'd never get out all those tangles and knots. But now with the Albertonberry's styling gel and mousse for bakemono, all those worries are gone!"
SD Zoantropied Pesti's: ^-^ "Wai! Wai!"
Red Queen ChibiChibi: o.O; [still tottering sideways!] "Chibichibichibichibichibichibi!!!"
Greenbeans: o.O; "What the hell was THAT?!"
His lordship Chaos: ^-^ "That was the fanboys selling out. Admittedly it's a lot better than the TV show I had originally planned to release: the Magic Nekobus."
Greenbeans: [still lost in stunned disbelief] "What demonic forces of fanfiction possessed you to write that?"
His lordship Chaos: "Well, let's see...this fic was the spawn of an offhand remark between me and the Hentenno, 24 hours of complete insanity, 3 hours of sleep and definitely way too much time on my hands. Naturally, when the idea first appeared, Havoc poured the usual gasoline on the forestfires of inspiration."
Greenbeans: "I can't believe you sank so low as to rent your own avatars out to shamelessly plug a bunch of products. Whatever happened to those last few shreds of integrity the series had?"
His lordship Chaos: "Hey, the fanboys never complained when they saw how much they were getting paid."
Greenbeans: [???] "How much did they get?"
[His lordship Chaos pulls out the product placement contracts.]
His lordship Chaos: o.O; "Um...wow."
Greenbeans: o.O; "That's a lot of zeros behind the six."
His lordship Chaos: "I can't believe they got this much!"
Greenbeans: "But we don't have to sink as low as your avatars did. I mean, we're authors! We have our integrity and reputation to think about...ne?"
His lordship Chaos & Greenbeans: "......"
[Cue the authors suddenly selling out!]
His lordship Chaos: ^-^ [with skin cream!] "Avatar Essential Oils! This author uses only that brand of body lotion to keep his kawaii team of female writing assistants' skin silky smooth and luxuriant to the touch. And look at how cool my fics are as a result. What are you would-be writers using?"
Greenbeans: ^-^ [with glass cleaner] "Does your lake god angrily burble about not being able to see the world because your aquarium's covered in icky green algae? Well, I always use the all purpose cultural cleaning spray: Bean There, Clean That. It gets my deity shining better like no other god!"
His lordship Chaos proudly presents, in association with the Sailormoon universe created by the manga goddess above all, Naoko Takeuchi, a triumph of fanfiction which only proves once again that His lordship Chaos is indeed the one eternally true pinnacle and epitome of all otaku and Sailormoon fanfiction authors who ever has and ever shall live; we bring to you, gentle yet well-tempered readers, the beautifully elaborated and ingeniously but dramatically written Sailormoon fanfic epic whose unquestionably divine, magnificent and splendorous title is just so darned long that we didn't even have time to fit in a story!