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                ScrapperFic #1: "A ruse, By Any other Name..."


        Okay, to save on a flashy--and more expensive--intro, Decimation-Chan (AKA ScrapperWolf), who is Charon's sadistic little sister, has decided to bring herself into the world of the Fanboys in order to complete her Avatar training--by smiting Carnage into oblivion! She brings with her a harem of her own yummy guys (Not quite as worldly as that of Sarcasm-hime, but...), the Highwind--stolen from the FF7 Prop Department--(So she won't have to live with everyone else...more for her convenience than theirs) and an arsenal of spells and summons (also) stolen directly from Final Fantasy. (All of 'em!)

        "Carnage, you go squish now!!!"

Carnage:" Na Ni??"

        [Cue the enormous Spork that comes flying down towards Carnage!]

Carnage: (Wisely side-stepping!)And you are...?"

Charon: (As the spork crushes him into the ground instead!) "Ii...Itai.....pan..ty??"

Decimation-Chan: DAMMIT!! I missed AGAIN!!!"

Charon: o_O "Na Ni?!"

Decimation: O.O "Oh my gosh! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to--oh, it's you."

Charon: "What the hell are you doing here?"

Decimation: ^-^ "I'm here to kill Carnage!"

Carnage (Walking away) --;; "Baka, baka, minna baka..."

Charon: "I can SEE that!! Why?"

Decimation: (Noticing Carnage has gone) "For impersonating my Sephi-chan! (Chasing after Carnage, hefting spork) "Come back here, you bastard!!"

        [Cue the Fanboys!]

Chaos: "Who the hell was that pissed-looking anime babe that just ran though here? HAVOC!!"

Havoc: "Hey, it wasn't me! I've never seen her before in my life! which means...!"

Pesti: "...'Panties for Hentenno-Sama', we KNOW!"

Havoc (Bounding off!) ^-^ "Hai!!"

Charon: (look at his watch) "5...4...3...2..."

Decimation: (In distance) "PERVERT!!!!"

Havoc: "Call me Hentenno-Sama!!!"

        [Cue Havoc, coming back from lower orbit with a spork-shaped imprint in his back!]

Havoc: ^-^ "Hotcha! Feisty!"

Pesti: --;; "He just doesn't learn."

                [Havoc bounds off again]

Havoc: "Oh come on, you know you liked it!"

Chaos: "So...Charon? I somehow think that *you* have something to do with the angry catgirl that just stormed through here...?"

Charon: @.@; "Hai. That's my sister, Decimation-Chan--or as you know her from a previous fic, ScrapperWolf."

Chaos: "Oh yeah, I remember her! The Azuza-clon--urk!"

        [Charon quickly covers Chaos's mouth!]

Charon: "No! In case you haven't noticed, she's a bit different now."

Pesti: "So why's she here?"

Charon: "To kill Carnage, apparently."

Chaos: ^_^ "Great! one less mecha-freak to deal with!!"

Carnage (Eyebrow twitch!) " Chaos...!!"

Chaos: "In advance, I would like to tell my public...Itai!"

Carnage: "BUSTER BEAM!!"

        [Chaos is promptly Buster-Beamed through the wall, into Hysteria's room!]

Hysteria: ^-^ "Oooh!! Chaos-poppa has come to have a kawaii little tea-party with Hysteria chan and all her kawaii friends, ne??"

Chaos: (digging his fingernails into the floor as he is dragged towards the tea party) "Help me!"

Carnage: (Evil Smile) "For some reason, I feel that...all is well."

Pesti: "It's a temporary sensation, Carnage, don't get too used to it."

Carnage: "I knew it was too good to be true!! Now I'm gonna have to blow something up again to let off steam!"

Anarchy: (Wandering through, carrying several crates of Sake) "Try Chaos--it always works for me."

Carnage: (Teary Bambi eyes!) "An-chan!! You...you SPOKE to me!!"

        [Anarchy uses some large, random mecha to clobber Carnage!]

Anarchy: "Don't call me An-Chan."

        [The kanji for "Betrayed!" scrolls behind a much-pained Carnage. He twitches and whimpers quietly.]

Pesti: "So what exactly are we supposed to do? Supposing she succeeds in killing Carnage--"

Carnage: (Picking himself up) "Hey!"

Pesti: "Face facts, man. Supposing she does, then what?"

Charon: "Supposing she does, then we have one less fanboy and one more avatar!"

        [Cue the economy-sized sweatdrops!]

Pesti: "Na Ni?!"

Charon: --; "Hai. All she needs now is to destroy her arch rival. And since she doesn't have one, she has to destroy 'He that hath most played upon her honor'."

Carnage: "Excuse me?"

Charon: "You've dissed one of her yummy guys. She thinks you're a Sephiroth impersonator. So, either prove her wrong or prepare to be smited!"

Carnage: "But that was just for the preliminary character designs, before we got drawn fancier. I look like Duo now!"

Charon: "I don't think she cares."

Decimation: "GIGA FLARE!!"

        [Cue the Giga Flare that smashes into the ground, nuking Charon!]

Pesti: "Like that?"

Carnage: --;; (Shaking his head) "Oh, I'm terrified."

Charon: "Augh...Panty?"



        [Cue the obligatory intro. bit!]

ScrapperWolf/Decimation-Chan:"Yay! Another fic for me-ee!! Another chance to kill Carnage!"

Charon: "Give it up, you're never gonna kill him. He's a reoccuring character!"

Decimation: "Well so are you and I can still do this...!"

        [Decimation happily backhands Charon out of the intro. With her spork!]

Decimation: ^-^!!

        [Cue the Fanboys!]

Mayhem: "Only she could say, ' ^-^!! '

Decimation: (Shrug!) "It's a talent."

Chaos: "So are we still running on your 'I'm here to kill Carnage, ^-^ ' bit, or do the rest of us get to talk in this one?"

Decimation: "Hey, what can I say? I had to clear a few things up. Sorry."

Mayhem: "So why wasn't I allowed to talk in that fic, anyway? I didn't even make an appearance! I have a contract, y'know."

Decimation: (Evil glare) "You're one of the things I wanted to clear up, creep. Take this! (Summoning Bahamut ZERO) Giga Flare!!"

        [Cue the Giga Flare that (Naturally) misses as Mayhem easily sidesteps the horrendously long attack, & leaves it to nuke Chaos!]

Chaos: "Iii....Itai..."

Decimation: "DAMMIT!!"

Pesti: "For Kami-Sama's sake--cue the Fanficfic!!"

        [Like the man said...!]

*        *        *

        ScrapperFic (Not to be confused with an Oscarfic!!)#2!!

        "Oooh! Look at all the kawaii BUTTONS! Hysteria wants to push them ALL!"
        Yes, the unthinkable had happened. No, Ryouga Hibiki did not make it somewhere on time. No, Minako did not correctly quote a proverb. (Ppht!! Like THAT'll ever happen!) No, Leona Ozaki did not go through a day without making an ass out of herself.

        [Author's Note: DON'T KILL ME LEAH-JO'O-SAMA...!!!]

        Hysteria was loose in Carnage's mecha docking bay.

Carnage: O_O "...Excuse me?"

Hysteria: (Randomly pushing buttons and smiling at the fireworks) "Oooh! What kawaii little explosions, ne, Carnage-poppa?"

Carnage: (On his knees, clutching the remains of a Valkyrie) "Hysteria, how COULD you!!"

Hysteria: "Aww, don't worry Carnage-poppa, I was only saving it for last, see? I didn't miss it!"

        Carnage's eyes ballooned as he saw what Hysteria was now walking towards.

Carnage: "NO!! Not my EscaFanboy!!"

Hysteria: (TeeHee!) ^-^ "Uh-huh!! What does this big kawaii red button do, Carnage-poppa? It's just sooo kawaii, ne?? let's see!"

Carnage: "Hysteria, no! Bad hysteria, bad! it--"

        [Cue the large explosions as Hysteria pushes said large red button! (Hey, no matter how hard you try, one will get in there and label itself "Self-Distruct")]

        "Does that..." Carnage trailed off, shaking his head. "You...have destroyed...my precious...MECHAS!!" Carnage leapt to his feet, his battle aura flaring up.

Hysteria: ^-^ "Oro...?"

        "DRAGU SLAVE!!"
        "Dammit, Carnage!! Now we know where OUR paychecks are going this month!! How are we ever gonna replace that much of the apartment??!!" Chaos ran into the hangar, completely ignoring all the destroyed mechs.
        "Shut up, she-male," Carnage sneered. "Can you see what she DID?? The little Mihoshi-in-training deserved it!!"
        "EEEEEKK!!!!" A girly shriek rang out across the now cavernously empty room as Charon entered. "Why--Mecha--Missing?!!" He demanded between sucks of air on his paper hyperventalation bag.
        "Hysteria." Carnage replied glumly. "The little #*&$$&)#*# got in here and blew the %)%& out of all the $%(($ mechs!! $()&%)#&(&$&%(&% $)&*%) %(*&!!"

        [Author's Note; I'm afraid, Carnage-San, I still have you beat creativity-wise when it comes to swearing... ;) ]

        Charon finished sucking on his bag and tucked it back away. "Hysteria...? But I saw her just a while ago! She was with...Ohhh...shit."
        "WHAT?!!" Carnage pounced on the hapless fanfanboy and began throttling him. "WHAAAAATTT?!?!?!?!! WHO was she with?!!!"
        "Ack! My--urk!--my sister!! --Ugh..." Charon promptly passed out as Carnage's foot buried itself in his face.
        "That's IT!! This means WAR!!" Drawing his Zanba sword, Carnage tore out of the hangar Usagi-style.

*        *        *

        "Vince-chan, come BACK!!"
        "Try a net," suggested Sarcasm as FF7's Vincent ran past with Decimation-Chan hot on his--*Ahem!*--heels.
        "Or a...Stone Stare!" The Avatar-in-training realised, casting the spell at the same time. Poor Vince...

Decimation: "Hey shutup!! Authors are replacable too, y'know!!"

...Ahem! I mean, poor Vince was going to be stuck-er, staying with the woman of his dreams forever, as--(low voice)for a change--the spell had worked, and he was frozen.

Decimation: (Contented nod!) "There we go!"

        She happily unslung (Shut up, Charon.) her spork, scooped Vince up with it, and began to carry him off.
        "What a baby," She remarked as she passed by Sarcasm again, "You'd think a guy that could fly wouldn't be scared of heights, but..."
        "I think it's the location you're flying TO," Sarcasm said with a grin. "Some guys just aren't into Planet Hentai."
        "Hey! Music, music!!"
        "Right. Gotcha."
        "Hold it, spork-witch!!"
        "Excuse me?" Decimation merely cocked (Shut UP, Charon!) an eyebrow at the sight of Carnage standing in the doorway in front of her and blocking her way, hisZanba sword out and pointed at her face.
        "Why are you still here?"
        "YOU! You let...that brainless button-pushing bimbette loose in my hangar, didn't you?!!"
        "I was kind of hoping you'd be killed in the explosions," She replied, calmly setting down Vince the statue. Carnage raised an eyebrow at the new lawn accessorie.
        "What the hell did he do?"
        "Say no."
        "Ew. At any rate, I hope you realise I'm going to have to blow you up now." Carnage shook the sword in her face, bringing back the previous topic.
        "Not with that you're not. Now, let me pass. I have..._Business_ to attend to."
        "Like I wanted to know thaaaat!!!" SD Carnage groaned. "Just...just fight me, okay? And whoever wins, gets their way."
        "And your way would be...?"
        "That you go back to wherever it is you came from, and don't bother me any more!" Carnage tapped a foot impatiently.
        "I came from a computer, just like Anarchy, only on purpose. Charon left his laptop open, and I was online, so..."
        "WHATEVER! Very nice! Can I blow you up now?"
        "I doubt it." With that, Decimation lunged forward and swung her battle-spork out at him, in an attempt to sweep his feet out from under him. Carnage jumped over the attack and swung his sword back, forcing her to back up.
        "Dammit!" She whined, throwing a smaller spork at him, "How did that MISS?!"
        "Easily!" Carnage crowed as he dodged the throwing-spork as well. Rampage promptly jumped up onto his shoulder and ate the spork.
        "HEY!!" Carnage's eyes ballooned out. "Get offa me, Rampage!!"
        He was so busy trying to remove Rampage that her didn't see the BAS (Big-Ass-Spork) when it came flying downwards towards his head, and only realised he'd lost when it crashed into him, driving him through the floor and into some girl's shower (Who promptly pounced on him, with the exclamation "Sexy!" after the initial screaming.). Carnage, the poor bugger, was unconcious through the latter half of the events.

*        *        *

        "Akito-chan?? Akito....HE'S DEAD!! SHIN'NE!!"
        "Rei, calm down, he's coming around!! Oh, thank goodness you're all right, Akito!"
        Carnage's eyes slowly opened, and he realized as his vision cleared that he was lying on the couch, with a few Fanboys and Senshi clustered about him. Rei was trying to attack Decimation, who, despite her furious tail-twitching, actually looked vaguely concerned about him, and Makoto, Usagi and Minako were trying to restrain their fellow senshi.
        Chaos was whimpering while gazing at Makoto, and Pesti was glaring angrily at him. Charon, the Havocs, Mayhem and Ami were nowhere to be seen. Deciding enough was enough, Carnage groaned and sat up.
        "What the hell happened?" He demanded, clutching his head.
        "It's a draw."
        "What?" he turned now to Decimation, who had stood and was looking angrily at him. Her tail twitched a few more times, and she sighed impatiently.
        "Our fight. It's a draw, because I won, but you were distracted. I don't have to leave, but I'm not allowed to try and kill you anymore. Same goes for you. Understood?"
        "Whatever. Chaos--if you're not busy--I need booze!!"
        "We're not sharin'!!" Yelled Anarchy and Tasuki in unison from their Karaoke machine in the corner. Sarcasm was passed out next to it, curled up with a microphone and a sleeping Zelgadis.
        Reaching into their fridge, Chaos happily pulled out several bottles of hard lemonade and tossed one to Carnage, who immediately opened and began drinking it. Charon wandered in, smirking happily. He held up a small, plastic object, and Carnage raised an eyebrow.
        "Dare I ask?"
        "Mayhem's Tama-ecchi!" Charon replied happily, sitting down on the arm of the couch next to him. "Wanna see?"
        "No! Freak." Carnage pushed him off the couch--where he happily stayed--, then looked up to resume the conversation with Decimation-Chan.
        "So, if you don't leave, what are you planning to do?" he asked after his third bottle was down.
        "Umm...well, I'm not gonna live here with you yahoos, that's for sure. Pardon that, Sarcasm & Anarchy, but it's true--I don't know how you guys can stand it!"
        "Booze," Anrachy said, levitating a sake keg.
        "Booze," Tasuki replied evenly, clinging to said keg.
        "Zel-chan...." Purred Sarcasm in her sleep.
        "Ah-ha...gotcha." The catgirl replied with an understanding look. "Well, anyway. I have the Highwind, which is full of its own...amusements, shall we say. And I...umm...don't know how to _leave_ the series yet... But that doesn't mean I have to share an apartment with you guys. Besides," She said happily, "there's always this!"
        With that, she held up an exeedingly large remote control.
        "Hey!!" Chaos growled, "The remote control of the gods! Give it back!"
        "Ah-ah-ahh, loser-boy," Decimation-Chan purred, shaking her head at him as she held up the remote for inspection. "Check again."
        "Made in Taiwan?" Chaos read. He looked up at her, confused. "What's that supposed to mean?"
        "Not that, stupid!" She sighed, smacking him into the ground with her spork.
        "Ano...Chaos, _I_ have the remote control of the gods," Pesti informed him, holding it up for confirmation. "So she CAN'T have it!" He eyed Mayhem sideways.
        "Can she?"
        "Ah, the miracles of cloning!" Decimation sighed, tucking the remote back into whatever pan-dimensional pocket it came from in the first place. (Do you really wanna know? No comments from the Peanut gallery, thank you!) "Thank you, Dr. Hojo!"
        "But I thought Diol was our local cloning expert?" Pesti asked. "I give up--this is too confusing! Why is it, Charon, that whenever your little sister comes around, I get this headache?"
        Charon looked up from the Tama-ecchi, which promptly ran away--don't ask me how, it just did--, beeping in fear. "It's not only you, Pesti-chan, she does it to everyone." Suddenly, a common, perverse look crossed his face. "Pardon the innuendo."
        "SHUT UP!!" Charon was promptly crushed into the apartment below by his sister, who was already developing a nasty twitch to her eyebrow.
        Chaos sighed. "You really have to stop doing that--you're almost as destructive as...well, everyone else in this series, but we don't need any more bills!!"
        "Don't worry about that--I can handle it. Besides, I'm not staying, remember?"
        "...I hope."
*        *        *

        Vweeheehee! Gratuitous self-insertion! Well, here it is--and lots of it! Send all C&C to me at ScrapperWolf@usa.net ...Ja!