It wasn't often that Pesti-chan took the time to work on his lesser smites. Fact of the matter was that with all the deranged hijinks that went on around Tokyo, he barely had time for any sort of a hobby. Maintaining a healthy relationship with a girlfriend, defending the city from youma invasions, actually trying to do what shreds of homework they were assigned in school (if there actually was any teacher left who dared to try and teach them), and desperately trying to survive the usual antics that ensued whenever the fanboys simply showed up for a fic took up most of his time.
           Yet almost everyone was out of the apartment, which made for an unusually quiet evening.
           Chaos had been whisked off on a dinner date with Hotaru, with Haruka and Michiru spying on the two from a nearby table. Dark Mayhem and Ami were catching a poetry reading at Toudai University's library...and no doubt setting aflame most of the periodical section. Carnage was busy teaching Rei how to pilot a Gundam in the effort to dispel the oft-touted rumour that only *male* pilots under 16-17 could pilot them. Riot was out on another samurai training session that probably involved playing beach volleyball-fu against lobsters by the raging seashore.
           Sarcasm was off on a field trip to the mall with her bishies escorting her around. Ruckus was no doubt stalking behind the harem, trying to sneak away with Aburetsubo or Yuu Matsura. Anarchy was doing what she did best: binge on Sake using Tasuki's cash, and sing bad karaoke. Demolition was off wrestling dragons...or else Dragon-Half's if he happened to stray across Mink-chan again. Pandemonium was probably on duty with the AD Police.
           Setsuna was off either guarding time or trying to escape Havoc. Minako was probably trying to chase after Havoc...again. And since there were no kawaii Anime babes in the apartment, there was no reason for Havoc to be around. Desolation was, of course, lost elsewhere. And Makoto was at her own apartment, trying to help teach Usagi how to bake. Granted the effort would no doubt sink like Akane Tendo in a swimming pool, but it was the thought that counted.
           And Pesti-chan didn't even want to think about what Hysteria might be doing.
           So with just his own self at the apartment, he sat back in his dining room chair and enjoyed the stillness of the place. Only occasionally was the serenity pierced with the quiet hootings of Rampage and Catastrophe as they bounded around in search of the few chocolate-covered Pokerats who had escaped from their dinner bowls.
           A small set of pruning scissors in one hand, a small bottle of nutrient-enhanced water in the other, Pesti-chan set about making sure that his cabbage collection was at its peak performance. One could never be sure when a lesser smite might be needed, and he intended for his cabbage-on-a-fork smite to be honed to perfection.
           With meticulous dedication he would spray each exterior leaf of his cabbage, then trim the edges if they had become too dog- eared or curled. Once all that was done, he would gently run the cabbage under some cool mineral water, then pat it dry with a soft, fluffy towel.
           The process was tedious, admittedly, but Pesti-chan was never so proud as to see his cabbages shine so wonderfully in the soft white lights in the dining room. Never would he be accused of shoddy smites or less than fresh produce. Yes, his cabbages were unrivalled amongst the fanboys, and having this quiet evening to care for them--

Gaffney: [eyebrow twitch!] "What the? This isn't the fic, Chaos!"

His lordship Chaos: "It could be. At least it's a much safer fic than what you've got planned, Fedora-boy."

Gaffney: [annoyed] "You are such a weenie, you know that?"

His lordship Chaos: ^^v "Correction: I'm a cross-dressing, Puchuu- loving weenie."

Gaffney: -.-;; "That's not necessarily an improvement, Chaos."

           [Cue...the fic!!]

           It wasn't often that all the Sailor Senshi, Inner and Outer alike, got together to hang out with the fanboys. And so such an occasion was one to be marked with much celebration and a helluva lot of stupid puns and ridiculous levels of fanservice! Yes indeed, Christmas had come once again to the Fanboys' apartment. And the instant that Havoc jumped in and added that Ecchimas always came more than once a year, the apartment was subsequently filled with large drifts of fluffy white Cream Lemon.
           "On the bright side," Ami remarked as she walked through one of the pathways the SD Pesti-chans were busy shovelling. "The spontaneous snowman-sculpting contest seems to be a roaring success."

SD Pesti #4: ^-^ [shovel shovel!] "Wai! We're waddling through a winter wonderland!"

SD Pesti #2: "And you're about to dig right into the houseplant instead of the bathroom door, you twit."

SD Pesti #5: o.O; "What? But that can't be! I followed Ryoga's map to our apartment exactly!"

SD Pesti #2: -.-;; "And therein lies the problem, Go."

SD Pesti #6: [examining his shovel] "You know, if I were to add a Shizuma drive and a beam sabre to this, it would be the most powerful winter weapon of mass destruction out there."

SD Pesti #2: "And if there was a Frosty The Gundam out there, I'm sure someone would care."

SD Pesti #6: [grrrrr!] "Care to repeat that, Ni-san?"

SD Pesti #5: [looking around] "Ne, where'd the other two of us go?"

           As it turned out, SD Pesti #1 was looking a teary-eyed and forlorn as he sat atop the back of one of the couches, utterly stranded away from his beloved Mako-chan until the other SD Pesti- chans managed to dig him out. And as for SD Pesti #3, he was getting into a heated argument with Haruka and Michiru about the snowman they were building.
           "I'm telling you, now this officially makes it a snowMAN," SD Pesti #3 stated, gesturing to the snowman's well-endowed crotch.
           Haruka's eyebrow twitched considerably. "I don't want an anatomically correct snowman, you half-wit."
           With a hmph, SD Pesti #3 crossed his arms over his chest. "Oh sure, but you'll let Michiru make a snow-woman with impressive bosoms."
           "Ara, but those aren't bosoms," Michiru countered slyly. "Those are Ni-san's feet sticking out from the snowman's chest."
           One of Haruka's eyebrows went up. "Dare I ask why he got stuffed into our Cream Lemon sculpture?"
           Michiru chuckled, "I believe he repeated his 'Frosty The Gundam' remark to Roku."
           "The lack of humour in today's super-deformed community is woefully staggering," came SD Pesti #2's muffled remark from inside the snowman.
           Elsewhere around the living room, the other Senshi and fanboys were busy working on their own sculptures.
           "Ah, there we go!" Havoc said proudly, patting down the last bit of cream on his creation. "A naughty tentacle snow-monster!"
           Demolition sweatdropped as he noted just how many slender tentacles the monster had. He then sweatdropped all the more as he noted how Minako seemed intent on spraying the thing with a hose. "Just what are you doing, Minako?" he dared to ask.
           Minako beamed and flashed him the V-sign. "Well, Na-chan claims it's as good as the real thing, so I intend to freeze it and make it solid enough to find out!"
           Aghast, Demolition turned to Havoc. "She's what?!"
           "Don't look at me," Havoc said, equally bewildered. "Doesn't she know that she'll stick to the tentacles like a tongue to a metal pole in wintertime?"
           Rolling his eyes at the idiocy, Riot continued happily making his own snow-samurai. Things went horribly awry however, when Ruckus' upside-down snow-ninja came flying down from above and accidentally decapitated the snow-samurai.

Dark Mayhem: [sauntering in] "Wow, that's some geyser of blood your headless snow-samurai's got going there, Riot."

Riot: -.-;; [getting sprayed] "I don't understand. I didn't fill my most honourable snow-samurai with any blood in the first place."

Ruckus: ^^;;; "Gomen, gomen. But you have to admit, it does reflect what really happens in any feudal Anime. Too bad you weren't a ninja, Riot-cutie."

Riot: [angrily shaking his fist at her--er, him!] "Confound you, Ruckus! Beware! Your bones are about to be disconnected!"

           In the kitchen, Pandemonium, Makoto, Dark Mayhem and Setsuna were busy working on the meal. "Is the turkey cooked?" Setsuna asked as she worked on dicing some fresh vegetables.
           Dark Mayhem held up some charred piece of ash on a stick. "You could say that."
           Setsuna boggled at the sight of the extra-extra-crispy turkey. "What happened?"
           "Did someone let Usagi-chan near the oven?" Makoto asked.
           Came Usagi's voice from the living room, "I heard that!"
           Pandemonium used one of her naughty tentacles of justice to give a test poke at the burnt turkey bits. "I thought Carnage said he would pre-cook the turkey before we got here this evening,"
           "Oh, he did," Dark Mayhem agreed.
           "Yeah, and that was one fast little sucker too," Carnage added as he passed by the kitchen. "He made a break for the balcony and almost escaped, but I was able to launch a Fireball at him at the last second."

Setsuna, Makoto & Pandemonium: "......"

Dark Mayhem: [shrug!] "Maybe we could throw somebody's Totoro slippers over it and fool Rampage or Catastrophe into eating this thing."

           "Great, so there goes dinner," Makoto groaned. "Now what do we do?"
           Havoc grinned. "Hey, no problem! I'll put a call into Planet Hentai's catering service; we'll have a new meal ready within the hour."
           Setsuna and Pandemonium seemed rather dubious of the idea.
           "I'm game either way," Dark Mayhem remarked with a shrug. "What do you think, Makoto?"
           Makoto let out a helpless sigh. "We don't have much else of a choice, do we? Okay, Havoc, call in dinner for us."
           Havoc nodded and pulled out a cellular phone from inside his DOJI BOY shirt. "Gotcha." He quickly dialled up the exclusive number belonging to one of his Benkyo Brigade members. "Moshi moshi? Ah, Kintaro, you are there after all! Look, get the catering crew ready for an emergency dinner to go; we're feeding about twenty people here at the apartment...Yeah, throw in a pre-assembled nyotaimori platter pack too...Wai! I'll see you here in an hour then. So how's the Ecchimas celebration going? Has Panty Claus arrived yet?"
           He abruptly paused and listened to some frantic exclamations from Kintaro.
           A frown marred the Hentenno's face moments later.
           "He put his what in the where?" Havoc asked incredulously. "And it's not coming out of the floor? Well, just use some cleanser then; how bad could it be?...(o.O;;) That big, is it? Um...okay, just try to keep everyone calm and I'll get there as soon as I can. And Kintaro...try not to lose another pair of sneakers in it."
           Hanging up, Havoc sighed and rolled his eyes. "NinNin can be such an idiot sometimes."

Makoto: [sweatdrop!] "Do I even want to know what--?"

Setsuna & Pandemonium: "NO."

           Glancing back over his shoulder at the others in the kitchen, Havoc shrugged. "Ano...the food will be ready and sent here in an hour, but it looks like I'm needed at the Planet, so I'll take off too. I'll make sure everything gets sent here on time, ne?"
           That said, Havoc took a dramatic flying leap off Chaos' head and bounced off the balcony. His panty parachute was deployed and off the Hentenno glided towards Planet Hentai.

Minako: ^^;;;; [stuck to the naughty tentacle snow-monster] "Ano...could somebody help me please?"

           "I'll get a blowdryer and see if I can't melt that tentacle off her," Setsuna sighed, ambling over to the bathroom. As Makoto and Dark Mayhem tried to salvage what they could of the rest of the meal, Pandemonium decided to make a snow sculpture herself, which bore an amazing resemblance to Largo. However, the sight of Largo in any form excited Pan-chan a little too much, and she accidentally opened one of her entry valves right in the middle of a drift of Cream Lemon.
           Suffice to say, Cream Lemon conducts electricity surprisingly well.
           "Ano...I guess it's not like we really needed that couch anyways," Pesti-chan sighed as he dragged Pandemonium into Carnage's room for an overhaul.
           Ami and Rei were busying themselves with a game of DDR, but given how the apartment was now covered in Cream Lemon, it was more like a game of Sploot Sploot Revolution. Anarchy, true to form, was busy boozing it up with Tasuki at the portable karaoke machine, while Sarcasm had rounded up Zelgadis and dressed him up to play Bishie Claus.
           Things went downhill when Hysteria tried to steal Zelgadis for her own kawaii little Christmas tea party-chan. Things went even further downhill when Ruckus in turn stole Zelgadis from Hysteria "stuff" the rock golem's stocking.

Hysteria: [grrrr!] "The kawaii little golem-chan should belong with Hysteria's kawaii little tea party-chan, since all her former kawaii little victim-chans all defected to be with kawaii little Lohengrope-chan!"

Ruckus: "Ha! Like you could ever satisfy him with that tiny waist and ridiculous bust size, Little Miss Shouta Complex."

Hysteria: "Why you Hysteria's pissed!"

Ruckus: [unsheathing his shuriken darts!] "You're a hundred years too early before you can beat me, kid."

Sarcasm: [clobbering both of them with her Zanba spatula!] "SHIN'NE!!"

           Her Bishie Claus rescued, Sarcasm opted to drag Zelgadis back to her room to unwrap her own present. Namely, Zel. Pesti-chan, recently reassembled now that the walkways had been shovelled, passed by her bedroom door just as it closed. " I really want to know why all her pretty-boys are dressed up in green elf tights?" he asked, thumbing back at Sarcasm's door.
           "Probably not," Demolition sighed.
           "Ne, Chaos-chan," Hotaru said, unable to hide the grin on her face as she helped work on an epic Cream Lemon sculpture with Chaos. "How is your part coming along?"
           Chaos let out a haughty round of laughter as he stood back to marvel at his magnificent work of art. "Now this is a true oeuvre showing my triumphant brilliance!" he proclaimed. "Behold!"
           He gestured to a snowman which looked remarkably like Chaos... in a Delmo dress.
           "What do you think, Hotaru-chan?" he asked.
           Chaos quickly sweatdropped upon noting how, right behind his snow-Chaos, Hotaru was busy making two very irate-looking snow- Senshi ready to attack. More specifically, a snow-Red Queen Haruka and a snow-Dominatrix Michiru.
           "I'm not quite sure if I got it right though," Hotaru said, stepping aside and surveying her meticulously detailed work. "Are they glowering enough at you, Chaos-chan?"
           "Ara ara, the whole scene is certainly uncanny," Michiru remarked.
           A teary-eyed Chaos sniffled, "Could this get any worse for me?"
           Suddenly the whipped cream chest of the snow-Chaos started to churn and ripple. Moments later something exploded through the snow-Chaos' chest and out burst Rampage!

Rampage: ^-^ "CHU CHU!"

Chaos: o.O;;;

Haruka: [chuckling] "Way to go Chaos: your very own alien chestburster. How does that make you feel?"

Chaos: o.O;;; "She ruined my snow-Chaos' blouse!"

           [Cue the facevaults!]

           Meanwhile, Pesti-chan had returned from Carnage's room, only to discover that his snow-Makoto sculpture had been subsequently roasted by a kissing session between Dark Mayhem and Ami.
           "M-Mako-chan...." He sniffled, dropping to his knees before the puddle that used to be his snow-girlfriend.
           "Daijobu, Kamui," Ami said, trying to offer him some optimism. "It wasn't an exact replica of her after all. The bust size you gave her was far smaller than Mako-chan's actual chest measurements."
           "NA NI?!" thundered Makoto's voice from the kitchen. An irate glint in her eyes, she leaned over the kitchen counter and shot Pesti-chan a look that would have made even Vicious piddle himself. "Are you trying to say something about my breast size, Kamui- chan?!"
           Pesti-chan glanced back at Ami. "That didn't help."
           Yet a potential thrashing was averted as who should bound through the front door--

Carnage: [eyebrow twitch!] "The entire door is reinforced with Gundanium metal, and he flattens it like it was tin foil?!"

Dark Mayhem: [shrug!] "Well, when you move at the speed of Perv, there's very little that can stop you once you've got that forward momentum going."

Pesti: -.-;; "I'll be putting the door back on its hinges, if anyone needs me."

           --but Havoc, and in behind him appeared the Benkyo Brigade, each member bearing armloads of delicious-looking food from Planet Hentai's very own and very best kitchens.
           "Sugoi!" Minako exclaimed, her mouth watering at the sight as Kintaro and Minni May strolled over to the kitchen counter and began laying out the various dishes and bowls.
           "If that soup tastes half as good as it looks, I'll forgive the fact that it's from Planet Hentai," Carnage agreed enthusiastically.
           Pesti-chan pointed to a large set of dim sum steaming bowls. "Forget that, take a look at the dim sum! Those omochi look fantastic!"
           Setsuna glanced over at Jyako and Megumi Amano, who seemed to be loitering around the apartment even though they had set down all their trays. "Aren't you wanting to get back to the Ecchimas party?" she asked.
           Jyako grumbled something and skulked off.
           "Don't mind him," Happosai sighed, shaking his head. "Due unfortunate incident at the Planet involving NinNin, the party had to be cancelled. So with nothing else to do, Havoc invited the entire Benkyo Brigade over here."

Setsuna: "That's good and all...but will you kindly remove yourself from my cleavage?!"

Happosai: ^^ [glomp glomp!] "Aw, but your bosom is so soft and cuddly!"

Setsuna: -.-;;; "Dead Scream."

           Elsewhere in the apartment, Benkyo Brigade recruits Carrot Glaces and Ryo Saeba had just run afoul of Pandemonium as she returned from patching herself back up. Needless to say, strip searches abounded. And in a remarkable stroke of unexpected fortune, Charon, who had at first been relegated to Planet Hentai's kitchens for the entire Ecchimas party, wound up being recruited as a much-needed chef to help set up the food at the apartment.
           NinNin and Ataru had the duty of cleaning up, mess they had created at the Planet, and it was expected to take them most of the rest of the week.
           "You really seem to have outdone yourself, Havoc," Chaos remarked as he surveyed the incredible amount of exquisite food laid out on their table. There was even more that had to remain in the kitchen until further room was found for it. "Way to save the celebration."
           Havoc shrugged. "It's the least I could do for a bunch of sexy, fuku-clad ladies."
           "Ano...what about the rest of us?" Chaos asked.
           "Oh, I'm sure your girlfriends would have given you some leftovers if you begged enough," Havoc remarked, waving Chaos' concerns aside. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have some temporal panties I need to steal off Setsuna."
           The party resumed, with the Benkyo Brigade members mingling with the rest of the gang. Male Maze wound up chasing after Minako...and right into a frying pan held out by Setsuna. And being quite ravenous by now, many started raiding the food on the table.
           "So, how goes your developing of the art of Fung Schwing, Havoc?" Dark Mayhem remarked as he munched on some slices of Cumembert cheese.
           Havoc nodded approvingly as he sipped some of his Hotcha Ocha. "I'm still working on proper panty placement and colour ranges inside the Planet to mimic the hentai harmony found in El Dojirado. It is admittedly difficult with such obstacles as NinNin to disrupt that harmony, but so far all is well in working out how to promote the flow of Chichi within Planet Hentai."

           [Fanboy's Note: while the word 'Chi' refers to energy or lifeforce, 'Chichi' is in fact a Japanese slang term for breasts. And here many of you thought that a DBZzzzzzzz character of the same name just happened to be John Leguizamo in drag again! ;p ]

           With everyone distracted, Hotaru took the opportunity to steal Chaos away into the hallway. "Merry Christmas, Chaos-chan," she said, posing as sultry as she could.
           Chaos tried to act nonchalant and not pay attention to the short skirt, tight sweater and kawaii Santa tassel hat she was wearing. That only made Hotaru smile all the more, and she cradled the side of Chaos' face in her palm.
           "There may not be a mistletoe over our heads," she whispered quietly to him, "but let's share a small present together regardless. O-ne-ga-i..."
           Hotaru and Chaos drew closer together, their lips ready for a long-awaited, secret kiss.
           And across the living room, a large plate of endangered food next to her, Usagi was happily humming away as she finished sculpting a whipped cream version of Tuxedo Kamen.
           "Well, look at that!" Demolition snickered aside to Michiru. "The snowman and Mamo-chump have the same non-existent personalities too!"
           Usagi would have acted indignant at such a cheap shot at her boyfriend--had some random scantily-clad villainess not showed up and brainwashed the Tuxedo Kamen snowman into becoming her evil slave.
           "Okay, who else saw that one coming?" Pesti-chan remarked, raising his hand.
           Suddenly two long, green leafy arms snaked down from the ceiling and grabbed Pesti-chan by the shoulders. With a shriek, Pesti-chan was hoisted into the air.
           Startled by the noise, Chaos and Hotaru broke away, on the verge of their lips meeting together. Curious, Chaos peered down into the living room. Hotaru just tried her best not to look so disappointed.
           Seconds later, six SD Pesti-chans toppled onto the floor as he went all to chibified pieces. "Dammit, Ruckus!" SD Pesti #6 snapped, wagging his middle finger at the ceiling. "Stop trying to pose as the mistletoe just so you can kiss all the guys!"
           "Um, I'm over here," Ruckus said, sitting up on the surviving couch. "Though I like that youma's idea. I'll have to note it for next year!"
           Most everyone in the apartment froze upon hearing Ruckus casually mention how there was a youma. Unimpressed, Carnage, Riot and Demolition slowly turned to the random, scantily-clad villainess.
           She just shrugged. "Well, I sure can't do these sorts of fights all by myself. I might break a nail! Besides, I'm contractually obligated to leave behind a youma as I make a getaway. Come, Tuxedo Snowman!"
           With that, she threw back her head and cackled.
           Shortly thereafter she chased Happosai out through the front door as he made off with her panties, the Tuxedo Snowman sliding out behind her. And so, everyone else was left to deal with a mistletoe youma who had long, fuzzy garland arms, a giant bowtie on her back, and a rather enormous, ludicrous-looking jingle bell on her head.
           "Give us a kiss!" she exclaimed, chasing after the SD Pesti- chans. "I'll suck up your pure hearts! Give us a kiss!"
           Terrified Chibi-avatars scattered in all directions.
           "No tongue! No tongue!" SD Pesti #4 exclaimed as he tried to dive into the naughty tentacle snow monster...only to discover it was still frozen solid.
           "Mako-chaaaaaan, save me!" SD Pesti #1 sniffled from inside Makoto's sweater.
           The mistletoe youma tried lunging for SD Pesti #5 as he skittered about on the dining room table, but missed and instead just spilled food all over the floor.
           Abruptly the doorbell rang.
           "I'll get it!" the mistletoe youma said, being closest to the door and all. She happily skipped over to the front door and yanked it open. "Welcome to our Christmas party! How may I suck out your pure heart?"
           There in the hallway stood Dark Mayhem, dressed up like a postal carrier, a large box held in his hands. "I've got a package here for a Miss Mistletoe Youma," he said.
           "Ooooh, that's me!" the mistletoe youma said, dancing up and down as Dark Mayhem handed her the package. "Wai! A surprise present for me!"
           Dark Mayhem then handed the youma a clipboard. "Now you'll just have to sign here, here, here, initial there, thumbprint on this sheet, oh and there's also a three thousand Yen delivery charge too."
           "Done!" the mistletoe youma said, slapping a large wad of cash down in Dark Mayhem's hands. She slammed the door closed and skipped into the living room with her box. Eagerly she tore off the wrapping paper and ripped open the lid. She was barely able to contain her excitement as she peered down into the box. Her glee was then replaced with a great deal of confusion.
           The mistletoe youma lifted her head and remarked aloud, "An N-2 mine?"
           At the risk of stating the obvious, death was pretty much instantaneous for the mistletoe youma.
           The rest of the apartment was shielded by a spell cast courtesy of Demolition, allowing Senshi, Fanboy and Benkyo Brigade member alike to bask in the warmth of the tremendous flaming eruption.
           Ami turned to Carnage. "The glitter and confetti was a nice touch to the explosion, Akito."
           Carnage nodded. "I like to make my smites festive sometimes."
           Bowl in hand, Demolition headed over to the dining room table. He stopped short when he discovered that sometime during the scuffle, the large serving bowl of soup had been overturned, the soup spilled out onto the floor. "Shimatta!" he lamented. "They got the soup too."
           "What a horrible, horrible waste!" Havoc exclaimed angrily. He turned and glared at the smoldering remains of where the youma had been standing. "Well, I hope you're happy with the damage you caused! Four virgins masturbated for four days just to make that soup!"
           Carnage, Rei, Chaos and Pesti-chan all choked on their mouthfuls of soup.
           Now very wary, Demolition glanced down at his bowl and then set it aside. "Um...maybe I'll have some of that salad instead." He leaned closer to the salad bowl for a closer inspection. "Hmm, does it come with any Vinaigrette dressing?"
           "You could say that...." Havoc remarked, glancing devilishly up at the ceiling.
           Riot, Setsuna and Makoto all choked on their mouthfuls of salad.
           "How about the dessert?" Demolition groaned. "Is the dessert safe, Havoc?"
           Havoc shrugged. "Well, if you want I can put some condoms on the bananas in the ice cream sundaes."

Demolition: >.< "I'm being attacked by a Horrible Mental Image +2...."

Page 3
Back to Fanfics