*           *           *

           "Bu...but...but that was SARCASM! She's a GIRL!" Chaos stated.
           "I'd noticed," Hotaru said.
           Chaos shook his head. "Things that happen to us guys don't happen to them. It's a law of the universe. Like how all magical girls need some stupid talking mascot. Or how almost all mecha pilots have to be under the age of seventeen."
           Hotaru looked at Chaos, a sad frown on her face. "Just like nothing can happen to you, Mayhem, or Pesti?"
           Chaos beamed. "Exactly! Well, nothing fatal at any rate."
           "Then you'd better listen to this...."


           [Cue the flashforward!]

           "I hate to say it," Dark Mayhem growled. "But Galaxia' proving to be unpleasantly efficient in killing off our cast-- Fanboy and Senshi alike."
           "See, this is what happens when our author runs off to Club Pluto and doesn't bother to see if our series actually ended after F/X!," Chaos stated plainly. "At least he took Mokona with him."

Mokona: ^-^ [bounding across the battlezone!] "Pupupu PUUUU!!"

Chaos: -.-;; [giving chase!] "You won't be doing much of that when I shove this umbrella up your ass, you marshmallowy freak! Get back here!!"

           Pesti-chan was still kneeling down where Makoto had fallen, watching her slowly vanish before his eyes. "Daijobu...Kamui-chan," Makoto whispered softly, a weak smile on her face. "I wanted to... protect you."
           "Baka Mako-chan," he said with a bitter laugh. "That's not good enough. What's the point of me being self-inserted if I can't be with you?"
           Makoto reached up her hand and stroke his cheek. "Please... protect Usagi and this world...in our place."
           Pesti-chan held onto her as long as he could, clutching her limp body in his arms until it vanished completely in a sparkle of emerald light. "No!" he screamed, lifting his face to the heavens and crying out in anger and despair. "MAKOTO!!"
           But she was gone.
           He remained crouched over her, clutching at whatever he could. Yet Makoto was no more, reduced to oblivion with her Starseed now removed. And all because of Galaxia....
           Pesti-chan was barely aware of Dark Mayhem walking over to his side until he fell beneath the shadow. "I have an idea," the uber exploder Fanboy murmured.
           Hot tears still streaming down his cheeks, Pesti-chan tried to focus the helpless rage within. "I'm listening," he hissed, slowly looking at Galaxia with eyes fit to kill. "Just tell me it involves her shapely legs and many, many different ways of breaking them."
           Galaxia busied herself in gloating and flashing them a triumphant smile.
           "We know she can take on multiple Senshi at once," Dark Mayhem said. "But we're still avatars without an author to rein us in, so we should have a little more self-inserted power at our disposal."
           Pesti-chan's eyes narrowed. "Tell that to the others: Carnage, Demolition, Hysteria, Pandemonium, Riot, Ruckus, Sarcasm and Havoc. Havoc of all fanboys, Mayhem!"
           "They were killed because they fought their enemies one-on- one," Dark Mayhem countered. "What say you to a little tag-teaming?"
           Pesti-chan got to his feet, dusting his pant legs off. His cold gaze never left Galaxia's form. "Ara, we're going to break some curses and go self-gratuitous then?"
           Dark Mayhem nodded, cracking his knuckles. "We've both got a bone to pick with her. I'll take one from her ribcage. You can take one from her leg. Now, what I need is a virgin's kiss to charge up my spells."
           However, Ami was already gone, as were all the other Senshi and fangirls. In fact, there were only four of them in total left now. Galaxia and her hench-avatars had systematically wiped them out.
           A devilish glint appeared in Dark Mayhem's eye as he spotted Hotaru. He walked over to her and then glanced at Chaos. "'Scuse me, Chaos. I need to borrow your babe for a moment."

Dark Mayhem & Hotaru: *SMOOCH!*

Chaos: o.O;;;; "A-Ano...."

           "Now then," Dark Mayhem remarked as he parted lips with Hotaru. Already he could feel the power of Dark Schneider flowing through his body--and with the level of Hotaru's power as Sailor Saturn, he was charged for an indefinite period of time. "Be good, kiddies. Newt-boy's got to go kick some ass."
           With that, he and Pesti stalked towards Galaxia, who was patiently waiting for them to try their luck. Chaos, on the other hand, was glaring at Hotaru.
           "What?" she asked, her cheeks still flushed with embarrassment.
           Chaos' eyebrow twitched yet again. "You didn't seem to be protesting it all that much."
           "I didn't even see it coming!" she protested.
           "So what am I here, chopped Angel liver?!"
           Dark Mayhem drew out a sword from his Hammerspace, looking at his reflection in the bronze-like blade. "Let's see how good she fares against an Ifrit sword," he stated. As if on cue, a legion of flames rose up from the sword, and the enormous horned Ifrit fire demon appeared.
           Galaxia brought out her own sword, meeting the challenge with chilling nonchalance.

Pesti: [bracing himself] "Get ready."

Dark Mayhem: >) "Heh. I'm always ready."

Chaos: [irate li'l Fanboy] "Oh, I can't believe he did that right in front of me!"

Hotaru: "Chaos-chan, the situation kinda called for it."

Chaos: "So every time our world comes to an end, you're going to start kissing all my friends?"

Hotaru: "I wasn't doing any kissing. He kissed me!"

Chaos: ;_; "But you looked like you liked it!"

Hotaru: -.-;; [bopping Chaos with the glaive] "Chaos-chan no baka."

           The two found their lover's quarrel cut short as a flash of light lit up the entire darkened sky. Seconds later the broken blade of the Ifrit sword came spinning through the air, its tip impaling the ground right between Chaos' legs. With a shriek, Chaos shrank into his SD self and scrambled away from the weapon.
           Dark Mayhem could only gape in disbelief at the hilt and pommel of his Ifrit sword. "What the hell?"
           Galaxia shrugged. "It would appear you used an inferior blade. Here's a tip for next time: don't screw with the most powerful Sailor Soldier's sword." She then made an expression of mock surprise. "Oh, wait! My mistake! There won't be a next time for you!"
           She stretched out her palm, unleashing a jagged golden fireball. Dark Mayhem recoiled, barely managing to dodge the fireball from ripping out his SDseed. "She is really starting to piss me off!" he snapped, retreating to a safer distance.
           Pesti-chan suddenly appeared behind Galaxia. "Then let me have a go at her!" he shouted, smashing a Rumblequake into the ground.
           The rooftop was ripped apart and collapsed, a gaping chasm snaking its way towards Galaxia with incredible speed. At the last second Galaxia managed to erect a barrier shield that stopped the Rumblequake a mere foot from where she was standing. With an angered expression she fended off the worst of the attack--only to find a Guns N' Ro spell roaring in behind her.
           "Kono yaro!" she snapped, leaping out of the spell's path of destruction. "This impudence will only make me madder! It won't save you from my wrath."
           "Don't you have any other lines?" Dark Mayhem retorted, flying through the smoke left in the wake of his Guns N' Ro. "I'm pissed off and evil this! You won't survive that! If you don't kill me already, I'm going to die of boredom!"
           He tried to launch a Venom attack, but Galaxia easily dodged it.
           However that led her right into Pesti-chan's awaiting fist. With a sharp punch to the face, the fanboy sent Galaxia reeling. But not without making an exaggerated expression in the process.

Pesti: >.< [clutching his knuckles] "ITAAAAAAIIIIII!!"

Dark Mayhem: "What?"

Pesti: ;_; "That's the first time I've ever hit someone with my fist before. I think I broke something."

           Hunched over, Galaxia fumed as she felt her lip and discovered a trickle of blood running down from the corner of her mouth. "You...you arrogant worms!" she bellowed.

Pesti: ^^v "I know them, they're a great Canadian band!"

Dark Mayhem: "Somehow I don't think she cares, Pesti."

           Galaxia glared at the two fanboys. "How dare you even touch me, the ruler of the galaxy! You'll pay for that!"
           "I hope that's in cash," Chaos remarked aside to Hotaru. "My credit card expired last week, and none of the banks will give me personal cheques anymore."
           Hotaru groaned and tried hoisting Chaos to his feet. "This isn't the time for glib witticisms," she said. "We've got to help them!"
           However, Galaxia was already advancing on Dark Mayhem and Pesti-chan.
           "She's really going for an all-out attack now," Pesti-chan said, still cradling his fist. "We must have this innate gift to invoke an instant PMS in every female opponent we meet."
           Dark Mayhem pushed Pesti-chan aside. "I'll handle this one. Watch for my signal, and we'll take her down."
           With a loud shout Galaxia charged towards them. Dark Mayhem took up the sentiment, rising off the roof and then soaring through the air towards her. With a growing sphere of crackling magic being gathered in his hand, Dark Mayhem flashed Galaxia a wicked fanged grin and then flung it at her.
           "MEGADETH!"
           "You honestly think that can stop me?" Galaxia shouted, letting loose a clenched fist that smashed into Dark Mayhem's attack.
           The two suddenly became lost in an explosive display of fire and smoke. Chaos threw himself over Hotaru, shielding her from the shockwave that thundered past them and shattered the rooftops of the Galaxy TV building. Dust and debris were lost in a torrent of churning air and flame that engulfed the area, everyone becoming mere shadows in the blast.
           For a short time there was silence.
           The smoke and haze dissipated quickly, clearing up to reveal who had been the victor in that battle. Dark Mayhem and Galaxia were crouched low on opposite sides of the battered rooftop, their backs to each other. Sweat was trickling down both their faces, their breaths coming in laboured, heavy gasps. Both of their outfits bore the telltale signs of having been ripped and scorched.
           Abruptly Dark Mayhem collapsed, falling forward onto his chest. Weakened beyond the ability to move, he laid there and watched his own form started to vanish. Galaxia grinned wickedly as she gazed upon the Uber Exploder Fanboy's SDseed in her hand.

Galaxia: [hmph!] "I win."

Dark Mayhem: >) "Think so?"

           Galaxia's head snapped up in suddenly finding herself surrounded by 6 SD Pesti-chans, each one charging up the biggest Rumblequake smite they could muster. Forgetting about how they resembled a bunch of chibi-Trunks going Super Saiyan, with one harmonious shout the SD Pesti-chans opened their palms up to Galaxia.
           "RUMBLEQUAKE!"
           "M-Masaka!" Galaxia exclaimed in disbelief as the smites attacked her from all sides. She let out one startled shriek before she was once again lost in the white light.
           SD Pesti #4 sighed in relief. "We did it, Mayhem," he said, looking at the where Dark Mayhem had once been. "We got her."
           "I think I got a run in my nylons though," SD Pesti #5 sniffled.
           And then suddenly a series of jagged fireballs exploded from the epicentre of the Rumblequake attack, each one ramming itself through an SD Pesti-chan's chest. None of the SD Pesti's had the chance to even see the attack coming. Each one let out their own startled yelps as their chibified SDseed splinters were torn from their bodies.
           The golden fireballs all swung around and smashed together to reveal one whole SDseed. Galaxia rose up from the crater of the Rumblequake attack, snatching the SDseed from the fireball. She smirked as she watched the SD Pesti-chan's begin to dissipate before her eyes.
           "Useless," she muttered.
           "S-Shimatta," SD Pesti #6 hissed, watching himself fade away. "I knew I should have used the Beam Cannon instead...."


*           *           *

           Hotaru watched Chaos' pale face, satisfied that at least she'd gotten through to him.
           "MAYHEM KISSED YOU?!?!" Chaos exclaimed.
           Or maybe not.
           Hotaru put her head in her hands. "Chaos, are you even paying attention?"
           He rose to his feet, pacing around the room. "It's impossible, Hotaru-chan! There's just no way anything like this could happen! Maybe you were only seeing what *looked* like death. Why, I bet it was part of some devious yet wacky hijinx cooked up by our twisted author!"
           "Chaos," Hotaru spoke up in a quiet voice. "I died."
           Chaos stopped pacing and turned, unable to fully believe what she had said. "What?"
           In gazing into her trembling, violet eyes he knew she wasn't lying.
           Chaos continued to stare at her, stunned into a horribly subdued silence. "You...you died?"



           [Cue the eyecatch....]



Gaffney: "That's a rather cruel place to put the eyecatch, don't you think?"

His lordship Chaos: ^^v "But if we authors aren't here to torture the readers, then what's the point of writing fanfiction?"

Gaffney: >) "To torture other authors...such as yourself?"

His lordship Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "What are you doing with that roll of duct tape, Sean? Sean? Sean, this isn't funny. Don't make me sic my Raging Ego on you, Sean! It hasn't been fed all week! Put the duct tape down, Sean! KYAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"





Thanks to:

Sean Gaffney, naturally, for writing all those serious scenes between Chaos & Hotaru, and being willing to tackle all those hard- to-do things like establish credible character insight and dramatic tension. I knew I kept him around for a good reason after all! ;p

Mayhem, for nearly causing me to choke on my soup when he actually made the remark, "Four virgins masturbated for four days to bring you this soup!" See, these sorts of things do happen; we're not making it up, people. ^^;;;;;

Havoc, for the art of Fung Schwing. And on a belated note, for those of you who only read the non-linear version of the "Omake of Doom", I also need to thank Havoc again for helping create Irresponsible Captain Harlock. Yes, you truly know how good a friend and fanboy is when he can take the most respected if not feared Matsumoto character ever...and turn him into a comedic lush.

Servo, for making the both of us double over at the notion of 'Alucard Captor Sakura.' Truly, a brilliant fiasco of art! ^^v

Sarcasm, for making the actual demand that a thong-wearing Hotohori not cover himself up so much. Actually...since I for one don't want to envision a nekkid Hotohori even in the slightest, should I be thanking her for this mental image? Okay, fangirls all over the world can thank her, but I'll just be taking a cold shower and trying to regress the memory. Ne?




OMAKE THEATRE!!!!



Chaos: ^-^ "Wai! And here for our latest instalment of the Omake Theatre, we are here to bring you a special poetry reading featuring everyone's favourite Anime: Escafufu!"

Pesti: [eyebrow twitch!] "Um...Chaos? It's Escaflowne, not Escafufu."

Chaos: "Do you have any idea how hard it is to rhyme anything with the word 'Escaflowne', Pesti-chan?"

           [Cue the poetry reading!]

Little Escafufu hopping all through Gaia, picking up the Guymelefs and bopping them on the heads! Out came Hitomi the good fairy. And she said: "Little Escafufu, I don't want to see you picking up the Guymelefs and bopping 'em on the head. I'll give you two more chances."

But two episodes later... Little Escafufu hopping all through Gaia, picking up the Guymelefs and punching them in their heads! Out came Hitomi the good fairy. And she said: "Little Escafufu, I don't want to see you picking up the Guymelefs and punching 'em in the head. I'll give you one more chance."

But not one eyecatch later.... Little Escafufu hopping all through Gaia, picking up the Guymelefs and cleaving off their heads! Out came Hitomi the good fairy. And she said: "Okay, Little Escafufu, I tried to be nice!!" So she took little Escafufu And kicked him in the Escaschmooschmoo!! Now Escafufu's too sore to bop Guymelefs on the head.

The End.

Pesti: [severe eyebrow twitch!] "What the [beep!] [beep!] was that?!"

Chaos: [eyebrow twitch!] "I don't know. Who on earth wrote such a stupid poem anyways?"


           [Cue His lordship Chaos typing away at his laptop, Vampy-muse cheering him on!]

His lordship Chaos: >) "This poem is so insane it actually works! Ne, Vampy-chan?"

Vampy: ^-^ [with pompoms !] "Wai! Wai! Escafufu!"





Thanks to Servo & Donna (a.k.a. Cthulhu-no-Miko) for helping with the concept of "Little Escafufu." And if the actual "Little Rabbit Fufu" poem belongs to someone, I am sorry for this horrid travesty we have wreaked upon it.

*Snicker!* Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not sorry at all! ;p

Part 2
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