THE SMITE ALONE COMPLEX!!!
Chaos: [rereading the Unnamable Fic, part 1] "So let me see if I've got this straight: Hotaru, now being seventeen and with the apparent hormonal levels of Chocolate Misu, kidnaps me."
Carnage: "And upon realizing this, the rest of us mobilize to kick your ass."
Chaos: [still reading] "And while she holds me hostage in some secluded non-Anime pocket of the universe, she reveals future plotlines for the end of the series."
Carnage: "Whereupon we show up and kick your ass."
Chaos: [still reading] "And upon showing all this to me in a bunch of clever flashforwards, and shattering any time-space continuity the series had--"
Pesti: [scratching his head] "We had continuity?"
Dark Mayhem: [shrug!] "Stranger things have happened."
Chaos: "--Hotaru then confesses her love to me...and tries to feel me up?!"
Carnage: ^^v "Just don't forget about the 'kicking your ass' part, okay."
Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "H-Hai...."
Demolition: "Don't tell me that you, Chaos, of all the avatars here in this fic, actually gets some fanservice. That's sacrilege!"
Havoc: [boing!] "Hey, anyone want to join me at my Starbuck-Nekkid coffee bar after the intro bit is over? Arjuna's going to do a poetry reading about how 'Tin Nyanko' rhymes with 'Manko'."
Demolition: "Let me rephrase that: it's almost as sacrilegious."
Pesti: [sweatdrop!] "Just how many words rhyme with manko anyways?"
Ebichu: [running up!] Ooh! Ebichu knows this one, dechu! Ebichu knows this one, dechu!"
Riot: [staring down at the housekeeping hamster] "I suddenly find myself wondering if we should have hired that most honourable Mahoromatic maid instead."
Chaos: "Bah, I can think of a bunch of words that rhyme with manko, Pesti-chan! You just watch this ingenious avatar work his magic! For example, manko rhymes with...um... er...(o.O;;) ano...(^-^) manko!"
[Cue the facevaults!]
Dark Mayhem: "You know, it's reasons like this that none of us ever showed any confidence in the success of your fanfic, 'The Mothraman Prophecies.'"
Pesti: "So how much success do you think this Unnamable Fic will have then?"
Carnage: ^^v "If we get to kick Chaos' ass in the end, I'd say it was a smashing success!"
Chaos: -.-;; "Why do all of these fics have to end with my ass and someone kicking it?"
Hotaru: ^-^ [fondle fondle!] "Would you rather I did this instead, my love?"
[Cue the Fic That Must Not Be Named!!!]
Sean Gaffney presents
something His lordship Chaos is still sulking over
THE UNNAMABLE FIC
Part 2: Dub Another Day
His lordship Chaos: "Well, if you're still here reading this, then either you actually are interested in the last half of this fic...or in the trailer, Gaffney promised you all lots of wild, Rule 3 fanservice which I'm pretty sure he's not actually going to deliver on."
Sean Gaffney: "Oh, are you still whining about all this?"
His lordship Chaos: "It's my fanfic and I'll whine if I want to! Besides, you've gone and spoiled critical scenes I'd been saving for the end of the series! Now the readers are going to be bored and not care anymore, since they think they know how it's all going to end!"
Gaffney: "Ano...you were the one who put those scenes for auction on Ebay. I was simply the highest bidder."
His lordship Chaos: "In that case, you owe me three nickels and a mint."
Gaffney: "Later. In the meantime, we'd like to remind everyone reading this that this fic was a co-writing effort. Which basically means, if it involves Hotaru and has a lot of angsty scenes, I wrote it."
His lordship Chaos: ^-^ "And if it has lots of self-inserted idiots, notoriously bad puns and rampant fanservice, then I wrote it! Yay! Go me!"
Gaffney: "We'd also like to add a disclaimer here: some of the scenes included in this part of the fic are not meant for small children, elderly ladies, people who are easily offended, or anyone who dislikes the letter 'T'. As such you are hereby forewarned to turn away now, as we are not going to be held responsible for any of your violated sensibilities."
His lordship Chaos: [very VERY suspicious] "And what is that supposed to mean? What the hell kind of scenes do you have planned for this fic?!"
[Gaffney leans over to the author's ear & whispers.]
His lordship Chaos: o.O;;; "They're going to what?!"
Gaffney: "Don't spoil the surprise for the readers, you idiot! Suffice to say, everyone, parts of this fanfic will need to have at least 14A rating."
His lordship Chaos: [ack] "Are you serious about this, Gaffney?! Do you take delight in destroying the integrity of this series I've worked so hard to create?"
Gaffney: "What integrity? All of your fics are a series of nonsensical stories involving self-inserted idiots, notoriously bad puns, and rampant fanservice. You just said this yourself."
His lordship Chaos: "It's the thought that counts here! If this fic goes all serious and dramatic, who knows what sort of effect it'll have on the world of Anime fanfiction?!"
[Cue a possible effect of the Fanboys! going serious!!!]
Usagi was seated at an outdoor patio table at Club Anipike, dressed daintily in a blue sundress and drinking from her cup of herbal tea. The sun was shining through the trellises and ivy overhead, creating a comfortably warm feeling. The Anipike, the most upscale dining parlour on this side of the multiverse, catered to the idle rich Anime titles out there.
She glanced over to the tennis courts, where a conservatively-dressed Misato and Asuka were playing doubles against Cowboy Bebop's Spike and Julia. Not too far away from there, the Gundam Wing pilots were engaged in a rousing game of croquet.
"I had to do another fanfic today," she casually remarked to her dining partner.
Across the table, Mamoru, dressed in a white cardigan and grey dress slacks, sipped his tea. "Really? Regarding what?"
"The Sailormoon Super season."
"A fine year, a fine season indeed," Mamoru said, nodding his approval. He absently began to read the front page of the Anipike's newspaper. "How fared the dialogue?"
"Childish," replied Usagi.
"And the narrative?"
"Tedious at best. Really, I found myself terribly bored and trying not to yawn with each new scene we performed." Usagi sighed and shook her head before sipping her tea once more. "Did you know Minako's not really a blonde either?"
Mamoru didn't look up from his paper. "Not an actual blonde? Hm, she wears it well then."
"I know, I know," Usagi said. "She's been a redhead since the day she was born, but the Japanese otaku find blondes exotic, so she's had to cater to them for years now."
"How dreadful. Minako must go through horrendously large bills in getting all that hair dyed for each new fanfic."
They lapsed into idle silence for another moment or two.
"I had to show the readers a bit of skin," Usagi said. "Some of them actually saw an exposed part of my naked shoulder."
Mamoru looked up from his paper. "I say, how positively scandalous."
"There was a godplayer involved as well," Usagi added. "He tried to pose as my long-lost brother from the Silver Millennium."
"Oh dear. Another transfer student?"
"From America, no less."
Mamoru let out a laborious sigh. "How unfortunate for you, my pet. Were you able to handle it well?"
Usagi nodded, then took another sip of her tea. "Once I used my tiara to decapitate him, everything carried on smoothly."
"Bravo, Usagi. I heartily commend your actions."
Just then, Demando came strolling by the outdoor patio, and waved to Mamoru. "Say, Mamoru-kun!" he called out. "Hawkseye, Jadeite and I are going to have a rowing match against the Ranma alums. Care to join our team?"
Mamoru smiled and looked to his wife for approval.
"I shall be cheering for you from afar," Usagi said, flashing him a pleasant smile.
"And I shall best those haughty martial artists for you, my pet," he said, rising from his chair and strolling off to join Demando.
His lordship Chaos: [shiver!] "Oh...the madness! The sheer madness of it all!"
Gaffney: [sigh!] "Let's just get back to the Unnamable Fic, shall we?"
Hotaru watched Chaos' pale face, satisfied that at least she'd gotten through to him.
"MAYHEM KISSED YOU?!?!"
She put her head in her hands. "Chaos, are you even paying attention?"
He rose to his feet, pacing around the room. "It's impossible, Hotaru-chan! There's just no way anything like this could happen! Maybe you were only seeing what *looked* like death. Why, I bet it was part of some devious yet wacky hijinx!"
"Chaos, I died."
Chaos stopped pacing and turned. "What?"
"I *died*, Chaos!" She rose to her feet. "And it's happened to me before, so I know what it's like! I didn't imagine anything, and I would never be so cruel as to tell you about it if I did!"
She was looking at the floor, not even able to face him. That was what made the arms circling around her more surprising. He was hugging her. It was obviously an effort, and he seemed pale, but there he was. And he looked...contrite.
"How?" he asked.
She looked away. "I really shouldn't tell you."
He shook his head. "But I want to hear it. Honest."
He was being so sweet. She should really take advantage of this in ways other than doom foretelling.
But instead she moved back down to the couch and began to speak.
[Cue the flashforward....]
"And then there were two," Galaxia stated, slowly turning to Saturn and Chaos. With deliberately unhurried steps, she began to close the distance between herself and her final victims.
"Shimatta!" Chaos groaned, frantically fishing through his pockets for a decent weapon. "Of all the times to leave my Ninja Monochrome Trouble fic in my other pants. That fic would have awed Galaxia for certain!"
Saturn sweatdropped. "Don't you mean traumatised?"
"Po-tay-to, ba-nah-na!" Chaos said. "Same thing, I'm sure."
Galaxia: [evil grin] "So, what do you little insects think you can do to stand against me?"
[Galaxia suddenly gets smacked in the face with a herring!]
Galaxia: -.-;; [grrrr!] "Why you little... !!"
[Galaxia suddenly gets clobbered by a flying cow!]
Cow: o.o;; [blink blink!] "Moo?"
"Okay, I think I've bought us some time," Chaos said, dusting his hands off. "That cow wasn't milked yet so she probably weighs a lot heavier than usual."
Saturn looked down at the glaive in her hands. "Chaos, what can we do? She's destroyed everyone else who's stood in her path. And I'm not about to use Death Reborn Revolution unless absolutely necessary. What other attacks do we have left?"
Chaos racked his brain for an idea. "I could always show her my tap-dancing Totoro routine."
"Chaos, be serious!" Saturn exclaimed. "This is no time to make glib jokes!"
"I am being serious!" Chaos snapped, getting flustered. "This is the best I can do thanks to my character profile! Maybe I could have done better if my creator was still around in the series, but he's not! So I'm stuck here as cannon fodder, being the butt of everyone's jokes and my own ridiculous stupidity, and--"
Suddenly Galaxia reappeared from beneath the stunned cow. Unleashing a furious howl, she glared at Chaos and sent off a massive fireball. "SHIN'NE!!"
Chaos and Saturn turned their heads, their eyes widening as the glow of the fireball overtook their vision. At the rate the fireball was moving, it would mow right through both of them simultaneously!
"This is gonna hurt," Chaos muttered, closing his eyes and bracing himself for the most unpleasant series finale ever.
And then he found himself being pushed aside.
With all the strength she could gather, Saturn shoved Chaos backwards, throwing him into the air and out from the path of Galaxia's attack. Yet that left her wide open for the attack to smash into her. Time seemed to slow as Chaos hovered there in the air. She was still looking at him with frantic, frightened violet eyes. And then she was stolen from him by the light.
Seconds later the fireball exploded into a pillar of light that shot up into the heavens, releasing a shockwave that rattled the broken frame of the Galaxy TV building. Chaos winced as he crashed back down rather painfully onto the roof, rolling out of control as the blast pushed him even further away from Saturn.
"Hotaru!" he shouted.
With unnerving speed the glow faded and the world went silent. Where the shaft of light had been, there was Hotaru. Her fuku was gone, as was her glaive. Her bruised and battered body was curled up into a ball, shivering.
"Hotaru-chan!" Chaos exclaimed, racing over to her side. He gently rolled her onto her back, laying her head in his lap. "Hotaru-chan, daijo--?"
He stopped speaking when he saw her start to vanish.
Hotaru's Starseed was gone.
Despite the cold feeling in her body, the pain and exhaustion from having suffered the attack, Hotaru managed a warm smile. "Don't worry, Chaos-chan," she whispered. "I've always looked out...for you... I can't...let my boyfriend get hurt... on a date. Ne?"
Chaos forced himself to smile, even though he found tears starting to well up in his eyes. With great care, he brushed aside the strands of ravendark hair in front of her eyes. "You'll be fine, Hotaru-chan," he insisted. "I'll get your Starseed back. Then things can go back to the way they were. You can glomp me, Haruka can smite me, and I--"
A gentle finger pressing against his lips silenced him.
Hotaru stared into his tear-filled eyes. "You're so warm," she said quietly, her eyes beginning to close. Her body began to become a mere shadow of itself, a silhouette accented by violet sparkles of light.
She was dying.
"I'm happy...I could know you...Chaos-chan."
Chaos shook his head, frantically clasping her hand in his own. "Hotaru, no. Don't go," he pleaded. He leaned over her, droplets of his tears falling from his face.
The first gently struck Hotaru's cheek.
The second tear passed straight through her, and struck the roof.
Nothing he could say or do was going to bring her back. There was no one left to rely on for support, no snappy plot device to make use of for a happy ending. The entire series was falling apart.
First it had taken the Fanboys.
And now it was taking Hotaru.
Chaos knew somewhere in the back of his mind that he would be next, but that was a moot point as he tried to hold onto Hotaru. Hoping against hope that if he clung to her tight enough, she might escape this fate.
"Hotaru, for once in your life listen to me!" he pleaded desperately. "I don't want you to go! I don't care what curses get flung my way. I don't care what plot contrivances might try to stop us. Just stay here! Hotaru!!"
Her violet eyes sealed shut.
"Hotaru, I lo--"
And then she disappeared completely.
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