"Ne, Akito-san," Rei said as she grabbed hold of Carnage's arm. "How about we team up together? Just you and me in the confined space of your mobile suit's cockpit...it's so romantic!"
Carnage sweatdropped. "Um...that would be a great idea, Rei- chan...but I had to take out the passenger's chair to make room for the extra Buster Beam Cannon."
"WHAT?" Rei growled.
"No no no, I swear I've got it right this time!" Carnage said, bringing Rei over to the docking bay for his ultimate mecha. And indeed, Escafanboy towered mightily over them, its daunting, silent form a mere terrifying hint of what dormant power could be stirred to life with a turn of the key.
With a gleeful grin on his face, Carnage scuttled up to the cockpit and sat himself down in the pilot's chair. "Ha! This time my Escafanboy mecha is perfection beyond perfection!" Carnage crooned down to Rei. "Behold its mighty firepower! This time around I've given it two Galaxy Guns, one for each eye! It's a high- powered, fully armoured, overkill-inducing, ass-kicking miracle of mecha marvels! MWAH HA HA HA HAH!!"
Upon hearing Carnage's maniacal cackling, the other fanboys poked their heads into the broom closet that was Carnage's mecha parking lot.
"Does Carnage even know his Escafanboys seen to have a life expectancy of only four paragraphs?" Riot asked.
Dark Mayhem shrugged. "I'm sure he'll learn to cope one day at a time."
Carnage hit the switch to power up Escafanboy.
There was a hum that stirred to life as the enormous mecha unit straightened up.
Suddenly Escafanboy's head exploded.
"Sugoi!" Pesti-chan said as the light from the explosion lit up the entire hangar bay. "It's a good thing Carnage had to relocate his cockpit into the chestpiece!"
Demolition snickered. "Yeah. You should have seen the look on oni-san's face when I once suggested to him that he should follow after Brain Powerd, and put his cockpit in the crotch of his mecha."
"So that's why the dining room tiling was torched!" Pesti- chan exclaimed.
"Don't make such a big deal about it, Pesti," Demolition said, waving it aside. "I survived."
"I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about the flooring!" Pesti-chan snapped. "Do you have any idea how long it took to scrub that scorch mark off the tiles!"
Rei was quite embarrassed and uncertain of what to say when Carnage stumbled down to the floor. Carnage could only stare up in unbridled horror at what had been his prized mobile suit.
"Um...at least it was a pretty explosion," Rei offered.
"I think you overloaded the circuits there," Dark Mayhem said, patting Carnage on the shoulder as he sauntered by. "Better luck next time, though."
"I...I don't understand," Carnage mused to himself. "I compensated for the power output by hooking the Galaxy Guns up to a stable Shizuma drive."
"Oh, you mean this Shizuma drive?" came a ditzy, high-pitched voice behind him.
Carnage immediately glowered. "YOU...."
He turned around, only to see Mihoshi standing in his hangar bay, grinning in embarrassment as she held up the Shizuma drive. "Ano," she explained. "I thought it could use a bit of Windex, since the glass tubey-thing in the middle was looking a little dirty. Gomen!"
His eyebrow twitching fiercely, Carnage slowly glanced back over his shoulder at Rei. "Darling, I'm just going to need five minutes and an alibi," he said.
"In the meantime," Dark Mayhem said, taking Rei's hand, "You might be safer observing mecha-boy from a further-than-usual distance this time around. And since you're the only other person who has security passes through all Carnage's handprint and retinal scanners, why not join Ami and I?"
He glanced over to Ami, who was happily skipping down along the rows of mecha, seeing which one she wanted to "borrow" from Carnage. "You don't mind, do you?"
Ami shrugged. "Why not? I've always been curious about a ménage."
Dark Mayhem: o.O;;;
Havoc: ^-^ "Don't forget Hentenno, Ami-chan!"
Dark Mayhem: "You stay out of this, Havoc!!"
So with Rei's clearance, Dark Mayhem and Ami commandeered one of the Vanships Carnage had recently acquired from Last Exile. And off they flew, to chase after Chaos!
In the end, Carnage decided to chase after Chaos with his own personal favourite Gundam: the Deathscythe Hell Custom.
And then there was Team Rocket, who thought that the fanboys might be hiding a Pikachu in their apartment, and promptly tried to steal it. Things began to go wrong when Rampage ate their talking Meowth. And then Team Rocket discovered that defeat would have been a better option than stealing the Deso-head by mistake.
They were subsequently crushed by a falling Gundam colony.
"Waaah!" Hysteria exclaimed, all in a panic. "Everybody's pairing off into kawaii little pair-chans and leaving Hysteria all by her kawaii little lonesome self-chan! Hysteria has to find a kawaii little victim...er, partner-chan!"
Just then, who should storm in through the front door to the apartment but Pandemonium's bosoms...followed shortly thereafter by the rest of Pandemonium. "Otoka-san!" she exclaimed. "I know you're in here! Do you have any idea how much paperwork you've given me thanks to that splooting incident at Jyuban High earlier today?!"
Hysteria looked up to the heavens, where she was certain some whimsically evil and capricious author was sitting around drinking Pina Colatas and being waited on by kawaii female writing assistants.
"Domo!" she said, and then set her sights on Pandemonium. "Wai! The author-chans really do love kawaii little Hysteria! Partner-chan, partner-chan, partner-chaaaaan!"
Before Pandemonium could even ask what in the name of Miyazaki was going on, Hysteria had cuffed herself to Pan-chan with large, fuzzy pink Hello Kitty handcuffs. "Hysteria needs a kawaii little partner-chan to go out chasing after her Chaos-momma!" Hysteria gushed ecstatically. "And guess who's it?"
Pandemonium's eyes widened in horror as she was subsequently dragged off towards the Nekotank. "Nooooo! Curse you, Otoka-san! Curse yooooouuuu!!!"
That really just left the trio we shall now refer to from hereon in as: Team Whaaaa?
Demolition: [crossing his arms over his chest] "I should be on a team with more babes."
Riot: "Not that they'd notice you anyways."
Demolition: "Yeah, but it's the self-gratuitous thought that counts."
Usagi: ^-^ "So where are we going anyways? And will there be food served along the way? I'm getting famished!"
[Demolition & Riot turn to each other.]
Demolition & Riot: "You're paying for her."
"Well," SD Pesti #2 remarked nonchalantly as he looked around the near deserted living room, "I never thought clearing out the apartment would be so simple."
"We could just show off that copy of Chaos' 'Legend of the Galactic Hogan's Heroes' fanfic to everyone," SD Pesti #6 dryly replied.
SD Pesti #5: o.O;; "Lohengrahm as Colonel Klink?!"
SD Pesti #4: "You know, that doesn't sound half-bad."
SD Pesti #5: [turning to #4] "Are you insane?!"
SD Pesti #4: "Comparatively speaking?"
[The two glance over as SD Pesti #3 bounds across the living room, chasing Minako!]
SD Pesti #3: ^-^ [boing!] "Hotcha! Minako-baby, it's time to take Chaos' lead, go self-gratuitous, and put the 'me' back into 'Anime'. Or you can just put me right into your--"
Havoc: [punting SD Pesti #3!] "Hands off the redhead, shorty!"
SD Pesti #5: o.O;;; "Minako isn't a blonde?"
SD Pesti #2: [rechecking Ebichu's diagram] "So the little fuzzbutt had the right idea after all, just the wrong Senshi. Kinda makes you wonder what Makoto's hair colour really is, doesn't it, Ichi?"
SD Pesti #1: o.O;; "M-Mako-chan...nude!"
[Cue SD Pesti #1's geysering nosebleed...all over SD Pesti #6.]
SD Pesti #6: -.-;;; "I hate you all."
With the sigh that can only be understood by people who have ever tried to herd cats, SD Pesti #2 called his Chibi-cohorts together. "Okay guys," he stated, "Everyone else has a head-start on us, so we had better find a means of tracking Chaos down before the others get to him first."
"Kamui, my dears," Makoto said sweetly.
SD Pesti #1 looked up at her with teary Bambi eyes. "Hai, Mako-chan?"
Makoto's smile turned shark-like. "Why am I stuck with six chibi versions of my boyfriend instead of one large version?"
"Can't help it," SD Pesti #2 said as he sauntered past her. "Pesti's way too excited, and whenever that happens you get the six of us instead of one of him. Depending on how fast we calm ourselves down, you might be stuck with a six-pack of shrunken avatars for the rest of the fic."
Makoto's eyebrow suddenly developed a nasty twitch.
"I am not going to let this degenerate into a babysitting session, so you had better all be on your best behaviour," she stated, and then pulled up her shirt to reveal SD Pesti #3 glomped onto her bosoms. "That means you, buddy!"
SD Pesti #3 grinned. "Hey, all fanfic and no fanservice makes San-chan a dull Pesti!"
Makoto groaned and shook her head as she led the squabbling, hyper-active sextet out of the apartment. "This is why you've never been able to beat Chaos at getting some fanservice first," she muttered under her breath.
"This is going to be a difficult venture," SD Pesti #5 was saying to Makoto as they rode the elevator down to the ground floor. "Most everyone else has some form of transportation to use, but we're stuck. Unless Roku has managed to get his Super-Deformed Gundam up and running."
SD Pesti #6 glowered. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a motor that small which can actually fit into a mobile suit about twice my size? We'd probably have an easier time by just duct-taping a skateboard to its underside."
"I nominate someone else to be the crash test dummy!" said SD Pesti #2.
The elevator doors opened up, and the SD Pesti-chans spilled out into the apartment complex's lobby like a horde of small, furless dogs. In their wake, Makoto was apologizing to everyone they came across for the six avatars' behaviour. She also wound up apologizing to herself when she mistook her reflection in a mirror as someone else whose panties had been stolen. Then she booted SD Pesti #3 across the lobby for having stolen her panties.
The fading sunlight had blanketed most of the district with a yellow and crimson sky. It had the feeling of a type of night you'd see in a Lain or Bogeypop Phantom episode...only without all those pesky, spectral butterflies...namely because Rampage ate them all during the Obligatory Introduction Bit of this fanfic.
Rampage: ^-^ "BURP! CHU CHU!"
Demolition: [eyebrow twitch!] "And just why is Catastrophe wearing Bogeypop's hat?"
Catastrophe Phantom: ^-^ "chu chu!"
Riot: "Apparently Bogeypop tastes quite delicious with mustard."
Usagi: ^-^ "Mmmmmm...mustard! I'm hungry!"
Riot & Demolition: "Again?!"
"Does anyone have any cash to pay for a cab or bus?" Makoto asked the others as they stood by the roadside curb.
"I have a Read or Die pencil board and three pounds of bellybutton lint!" offered SD Pesti #4.
SD Pesti #6 smacked his forehead and decided they might have better luck if they started hitching a ride.
"Say, guys! Check it out!" SD Pesti #4 remarked, pointing up at one of the city's large billboard ads.
There for the entire district to see was an enormous picture of Touga and Akio, both bare-chested and leaning back in seductive poses. Beneath the two Utena characters was the caption: 'got revolution?'
"Hey, Touga's got a milk moustache too!" SD Pesti #5 said.
SD Pesti #2 looked up at the billboard and sweatdropped. "That's not milk, Go."
SD Pesti #5: o.O;;;;;;;;;;
"Finally, a generous driver!" SD Pesti #6 sighed in relief as a car slowed down as its occupants noticed the stranded Makoto and her entourage of curious little avatars.
A beat-up, yellow Austin Mini pulled up on the curb. The man in the passenger seat stuck his head through the window and flashed them a rakish grin. "Looking for a ride?" Lupin asked.
"Where are you guys headed?" SD Pesti #2 asked.
"Somewhere other than here," replied Jigen amidst his puffs from his bent cigarette.
"Good enough!" SD Pesti's #2 and #6 chorused.
Makoto looked down at SD Pesti #4. "Are you sure about this?"
"It seems safe enough," SD Pesti #4 said, gesturing to the car. "See, they're wearing seatbelts!"
"You guys might want to pile in a bit faster," said Jigen as he looked in the driver's side mirror. "Zenigata's finally catching up with us, it appears."
"Ah, good ol' Zenigata," Lupin sighed wistfully. "Better late than never, I guess."
"Is anyone else hearing all these police sirens?" SD Pesti #5 remarked, looking around. However, he had very little chance of doing anything else as Makoto started lobbing them like sacks of potatoes into the backseat of Lupin & Jigen's car, and then got into the back herself.
That left one final team to assemble itself and join in the fracas. Of course, Havoc and his Benkyo Brigade (Minako included) were having so much fun playing Manko Polo in the apartment that a half hour passed before they even realised everyone had left. Unfortunately, it took NinNin for them to notice.
Havoc was carefully creeping around the apartment, his mokkori senses primed as he tried to locate Ghost In The Shell's Major Kusanagi, who was wearing her thermal camouflage.
Major Kusanagi's voice: "Polo."
Havoc: "She's in the bedroom, I'm sure of it!"
Jyako Amano: "Are you sure? She might have doubled-back by now."
Minni May: "He's got a point. Kusanagi is invisible right now."
Havoc: "But like Ryu Saeba, my Mokkori senses are never wrong!"
Carrot: "I'll clear the bedroom for you, Hentenno-sama! Kusanagi, let's go out on a date together!"
And in leaping into Dark Mayhem's bedroom, Carrot locked lips with a bust of Matsumi Shirow by mistake. The rest of the Benkyo Brigade snickered as Carrot staggered out, his face looking a little flatter than it had been when he'd leapt in.
The sound of a cellular phone ringing was heard, and Kintaro pulled his receiver out from his coat. "Moshi moshi?" he said as he answered, "Benkyo Brigade Hotline, Kintaro speaking...oh hey, Charon! How's it going?"
Kintaro's pleasant expression faded. "He did what? And now he's gone and gotten what all over the floor now? And the ceiling too?!"
With a groan, Kintaro handed the phone over to Havoc. "You had better take this. Sounds like NinNin's gone and screwed up again."
"Whenever the words 'NinNin' and 'screw' are used in the same sentence, it's never talking about sex," Megumi Amano lamented. "What a twit."
A scowl marring his otherwise perfectly perverted face, Havoc strolled across the living room and took the cell phone from Kintaro. "Charon?" he said. "Yeah, it's the Hentenno here. Just tell me what NinNin did this time."
As he listened to the synopsis, one of Havoc's eyebrows arched up.
"It broke off where?" he asked incredulously.
Abruptly his other eyebrow arched up. "And in how many places? ...Well I don't care how much he's whining for an ice pack, let him suffer! He knows how old those things are! ...What do you mean there's more?"
Havoc's jaw dropped when he heard Charon's response. "What do you mean he glued the wrong parts back together?! Put that purple moron on the phone right now!"
There was a brief interlude as the phone changed hands on the other side of the line.
NinNin: ^^;;; "Now Hentenno, before you get all Yaoi Door on me, let me just say that there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this."
Havoc: [grrr!] "Perfectly good explanation, your soon-to-be- violated ass, NinNin! What have I told you and Ataru before? If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times: there is NO fanservice allowed in the Champagne Room!"
Havoc bit down on his tongue to keep from railing on NinNin. There was a sacred mission that had to be completed, for the sake of all that was good and hentai, and already they were losing precious time to the competition. If it was one thing he had sworn when this fic had begun, it was that he would be victorious!
"NinNin," he said, "try to prove that you have some competence left while you're still wearing pants, and get Charon, Ataru and your purple midget self on the front steps of Planet Hentai in five minutes. We'll meet you there in the Pervmobile."
Havoc began to reach for a dangling rope that had suddenly appeared out of nowhere. "Oh, and NinNin..." he added ominously.
"Yes, Hentenno?" came NinNin's cheerfully oblivious voice.
"Look down for a moment."
There was a pause as NinNin shuffled around, followed by the remark, "Hey, look! There's something written on the floor...Y-A-O- I...T-R-A-P-D-O-OOOOAAAAAAAAUUUUGGHHHHH!!!!"
With a smile, Havoc let go of the dangling rope he had just yanked and ended the call on the cell phone. "And that," he said, tossing the cell phone back to Kintaro, "is the end of that."
"I'm not sure what I feel for NinNin, but it sure as hell isn't pity," Jyako stated.
"Indeed," Happosai agreed, sagely nodding his head. "It's like the old hentai saying: a cock in the hand is worth two in the bush. Unfortunately for NinNin, he just runs around half-cocked all the time."
"Ne, Na-chan," Minako purred as she wrapped her arms around Havoc's shoulders. "Mind if I join you on this?"
Havoc glanced back at her. "Do you have any idea how distracting it is for me to drive with you trying to tear my pants off, Minako?"
"You don't seem to have much difficulty driving and simultaneously stripping me naked," Minako sniffed.
"Ah, but that's altogether different," Havoc explained. "My magic fingers know what they're doing without any help, so I can easily keep my eyes on the road."
And so the Benkyo Brigade, Minako included, left the Fanboys' apartment and piled into the Pervmobile. Racing through the streets of Tokyo (and sometimes up the walls of buildings to steal the panties of Office Ladies who happened to be walking by the windows at the time), Havoc drove the Pervmobile to Planet Hentai, a magical place where the fanservice is always fresh, and everyone knew of at least one word that rhymed with 'manko'.
NinNin: "What about 'blanko'? Is blanko a word?"
Ataru: ^-^ "Sounds good enough to me!"
Charon: [groan!] "I'm in hell, and stuck with the village idiots of the damned."
At once, NinNin and Ataru leapt into the air and high-fived each other.
"Yes!" they chorused. "We get out of clean-up duties for the rest of the day!"
Rolling his eyes at them, Charon strolled down the front steps of Planet Hentai and tried to find himself a seat in the already crowded Pervmobile. This was proving rather difficult, considering the entire Benkyo Brigade was present.
"You're not sitting on my lap, kid," male Maze snorted as Charon tried to squeeze around him.
Minni-May immediately raised her hand in the air. "But you can sit on my lap, Charon! Or would you rather I sit on your lap?"
"Hey, no fair!" NinNin exclaimed indignantly. "I rank higher than Charon right now in the hierarchy of hentai, so I should get to sit on her lap!"
"I'd rather you sat on a large, pointy stick," Minni-May growled. Her hand reached inside her jacket to grasp one of her pink grenades.
Havoc turned his head towards the backseat occupants. "Play nicely, everyone. NinNin, you and Ataru are back in the Jacuzzi tub."
"Which means I'm leaving the Jacuzzi," Havoc-chan stated, grabbing a towel and stepping out of the large hot tub sitting where the Pervobile's trunk would have otherwise been.
"Join the club," Megumi Amano agreed.
"I call dibs on Na-chan's lap!" Minako said as she exited with the other two ladies.
With a squeak of glee, NinNin stripped down to a pair of SD La Blue Girl boxer shorts, and leapt into the vacant tub. Ataru eagerly climbed over everyone else to follow after NinNin.
"Cool!" Ataru said with a grin on is face. "We're on a roadtrip to scope out more chicks! This is the ultimate way to shirk clean-up duties!"
"I'm glad you're enthusiastic," Kintaro said with some degree of disdain, "but would you mind not drooling all over my cap?"
In the back seats, Jyako leaned over to Havoc and hissed, "Havoc are you sure about this? They'll ruin everything!"
"Better they ruin things while we're around to keep an eye on them," Havoc said quietly. "Would you want to let them run around Planet Hentai unsupervised for the rest of this fic?"
Jyako's eyebrow twitched. "That would mean thirty to forty pages of NinNin and Ataru running the club!"
"Exactly," Havoc soberly agreed. "Don't worry; if they get too far out of line, I'll just Hiryu Shoten-Bra them."
Kintaro leaned in to join the conversation. "What about Charon?"
The three of them glanced over at Charon, who was desperately trying to keep his hands to himself despite Minni-May's tempting offers for him to do otherwise.
"At least he's restraining himself," Jyako remarked.
"It's self-preservation," Havoc stated. "Minni-May's libido would kill him after the twenty-fifth time, and he knows it. So does she, for that matter; she thinks it's cute."
He turned his head back around and stared at the open road before them. "It is time for the Benkyo Brigade to join in this noble crusade, and regret that we have only one sploot to give to king and hentai!"
A loud cheer sounded from the Pervmobile's occupants.
A large shadow abruptly fell over the Pervmobile, not to mention most of the other cars on the road.
"Will you take a look at that?" Megumi remarked, pointing up at the large Deathscythe Hell Custom Gundam that was passing overhead.
"My Gunbustier mobile suit is better," Havoc-chan off- handedly said. She then frowned in annoyance and swatted NinNin's wandering fingers away from a control panel mounted on part of the Jacuzzi. "Shimatta! NinNin, keep your hands to yourself! This isn't like the Mach 5, so stop trying to molest my car."
"And we haven't even started driving yet," Megumi sighed. "This is going to be a long ride."
"Gomen nasai, Hentenno-sama," NinNin said. "But all those buttons and displays look so cool! It makes me want to become a Benkyo Brigade member even sooner, so I can drive the Pervmobile and try out all these neat gadgets! I mean, I don't even know what half of them do. Say, what does this lever do?"
Before Havoc-chan, Havoc-kun or anyone else could stop him, NinNin cranked back the lever...and subsequently activated the Pervmobile's cataperv. Needless to say, NinNin and Ataru found themselves quite forcibly catapulted from the car, soaring through the air. But luckily for them, right before they would have wound up drifting somewhere in Earth's upper stratosphere, their speeding flight was abruptly halted by a Deathscythe Hell Custom mecha.
The resulting mid-air explosion was quite pretty too.
"I do hope he has airbags in that," Minako said as she watched the fiery black plume of smoke trailing after Carnage's plummeting Gundam.
Seated right near the cataperv, and having missed getting launched with the other two by mere inches, Charon turned to Havoc- kun. "So do I have to follow after them?" he sighed.
A wry grin appeared on Havoc-kun's face. "We'll put it to vote. All in favour of the former Ecchi-chan staying along for the ride of his self-inserted life?"
All hands (and a few tentacles) in the Pervmobile went up.
"It's unanimous!" Havoc-kun declared. "Charon, I want you up on the hood along with Happosai. It's time to find the greatest treasure in all Anime: panties!"
Charon blinked. "What about that whole race to kick Chaos' ass?" he asked.
Havoc-kun looked back at Charon in complete, bewildered surprise. "There's a race to do what now?"
[Cue the eyecatch!]
Sean Gaffney, naturally, for writing all the angsty, squishy parts. I sure as hell wasn't about to do that, so better he get flamed for that than me! ^^v
Nightbreak, for use of the Club Anipike...even though I mutated its appearance yet again.
Havoc & Servo, for adding their usual barrage of ideas and one- liners to the scenes.
Kojiro, for Bushido Beyblade. Oh, and what were you thinking?!
I would like to personally thank in advance all the fans reading this for their wonderfully vicious flames, irate sentences and threats to have a Gundam wearing cleats come kick my ass for helping write this fic. It's nice to know you all care...even if I don't. HA!!! ;p
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