It was unusually quiet inside Planet Hentai. Granted, the early afternoon hours were always quiet inside the Planet. Why would any self-respecting pervert be indoors when there were girls' locker rooms to check out and panties to pillage? And so it was that when Chaos poked his head in through the front door, he found a very quiet and mostly deserted club.
A few moments later, Chaos then reflected that perhaps he should have opened the door first instead of going right through it. He ventured inside, happy that there were no naughty tentacle monsters performing their usual "security" frisks at the front entrance. Equally relieving was the fact that Mary, the most hulking, muscular high-school girl that Graviton High had ever seen, was nowhere in sight.
His last encounter with Mary's ultimate attack, the Fist of the Flatulent Star, was not one he particularly cared to repeat. It had taken eight baths in Jello before the smell was absorbed by it. And Pesti-chan wasn't too thrilled with the stench having set into the bathtub either, since it had been his turn to clean it.
Chaos strolled between the tables and booths, watching the occasional Delmo girl clean off some of the underwear left on the tables. His eyebrow subsequently twitched when he saw a Delmo girl take four bras that obviously didn't belong to her, and pocket them.
Chaos: "Ano...those aren't yours."
Black Delmo: ^-^ "Are you kidding? This is my tip for tonight!"
Chaos: o.O;; "You don't say."
Black Delmo: "I just did."
Chaos: "Did what?"
Black Delmo: "Say."
Chaos: "Say what?"
Black Delmo: [sweatdrop!] "What?"
Chaos: ^-^ "Thank you!"
Black Delmo: -.-;; "Baka."
Havoc was lounging at the Benkyo Booth when Chaos located him. The other members of the Benkyo Brigade were nowhere to be seen, and in all likelihood were out on assignment. Chaos glanced down at the 'Overfiend for President' shirt Havoc was wearing. "What happened to DOJI BOY?" Chaos asked.
Havoc shrugged. "Laundry day at the Planet. Everything gets washed today by the Pink Delmo girls. If this new shipment of shirts for the souvenir shop hadn't arrived this morning I'd be sitting here nekkid."
Chaos made a face and suppressed the cold shiver running down his spine. "Remind me to send your deliveryman a complimentary Puchuu bear and fruit basket the next time I see him."
"Care for a cup of G-Taster's Choice coffee?" Havoc asked, pushing a mug across the table towards Chaos. "It's fresh off the pot. I brewed it myself."
Chaos sweatdropped as he stared down at the cup. "Um...no thanks, Havoc. I've seen what you use for filters in your coffee makers." He sat down and opened up a small snack bag. "I'll just stick to my Chobits N' Bites nibblies."
"Suit yourself," Havoc replied, and leaned back in his chair. "So what brings you here to Planet Hentai? Aren't you and Hotaru supposed to be off on some gala, lemon-scented affair right now?"
This time it was Chaos' turn to shrug. "Omake theatre," he replied. "I've got the next few pages off from the rest of the plot."
"Ah. So where's Hotaru then?"
"Probably placing bets on the animal races you have in the Game Room," Chaos said. "She's favouring that weasel-thing from Shamanic Princess."
Havoc grinned and nodded his head. "At this time of day, the Games Room is one of the places open in the Planet right now. That, and the Hentorium. Oh, and the nyotaimori rooms. For some reason, we're always booked solid in the afternoons."
"Why do you think that is?" Chaos asked.
"Because," came Dark Mayhem's voice from behind Chaos, "fish will never go out of style in this place."
Chaos: "Oh, the sashimi, you mean?"
Dark Mayhem: -.-;; "Yes...if that's what you want to believe."
Chaos: "My mind hurts less when I bask in ignorance and denial."
"So what are you doing here?" Chaos asked, scooting over to make room.
Dark Mayhem sat down at the Benkyo booth, and signalled Havoc for a cup of coffee. "I'm one of the judges," Dark Mayhem said after a sip of coffee.
Question marks hovered over Chaos' head. "For what?"
"We're hiring new acts for Planet Hentai," Havoc replied. "Too much of the same old thing, the same old techniques, the same old 'Oh! Ikuuuuuu!', and the fans will just fake coming here every time."
Chaos opened his mouth to correct Havoc's grammar, and realized it wasn't an error. Dark Mayhem lifted Chaos' hanging jaw back into place.
"Can't say the shows haven't been due for a changeover," Dark Mayhem remarked. "There's a lot of good talent here, but this gives the chance for aspiring ecchi-chans to garner some acclaim."
A few minutes later, Jyako, Kintaro and Minni May strolled up to the booth, each of them with a clipboard and a small stack of papers. "We're ready whenever you are," Jyako reported to Havoc. He thumbed over to Kintaro. "He's got everyone lined up in the wings, and they'll perform their auditions on the dance floor."
"Gives them the most space to work with," Kintaro agreed with a nod. "Not to mention it's really easy to clean up any messes they leave behind."
Havoc slid out from the booth and leisurely stretched his arms over his head. "Well then, I suppose we should get started. How many acts are there vying for a spot on our roster?"
"Sixty-two," Minni May answered after consulting her sheet.
Kintaro handed Havoc a clipboard. "Up another twenty from last time. Word must be spreading."
"That seems like a decent enough number," Chaos said as he and Dark Mayhem slid out from their side of the booth. "It's not quite a hundred, so you won't be trapped here for hours like you would be at an Anime convention's masquerade."
The Benyko Brigade members gave Chaos an incredulous look.
"Um...Chaos?" Dark Mayhem said as he was handed a clipboard. "The grand total of auditioning acts is four hundred and sixty-two. The first time Havoc held any sort of audition like this, just over four hundred showed up. It's been like that for the last three calls."
Chaos: o.O;;; "It frightens me to think there are that many perverts in Anime."
And so, with Chaos in tow, Havoc and the other judges headed down to the dance floor. The beginning of a long line-up of hopefuls could be seen to the side, where the line stretched and coiled through most of the Planet's side rooms that were otherwise closed for the day.
Havoc took a seat at one of the tables set up at the edge of the dance floor. Jyako, Minni May and Kintaro took the seats on his left, while Dark Mayhem and Chaos took the seats on Havoc's right. "Call out the first act, Kintaro!" he exclaimed, and a rousing cheer went up from the applicants standing in the line.
With that, the auditions began.
They thrilled to the gals of Read Or Die TV: Michelle, Maggie and Yomiko (though decidedly not Anita, what with her being underage and currently having her panties being stolen by a chibi- Havoc in the girls' locker room at that moment) as they demonstrated the uses of paper as an aphrodisiac.
Minni May: "It's the first truly recyclable strap-on!"
Kintaro: ^-^ "Ah, yes, it's truly amazing the people--er, things one can do with paper."
Havoc: "Yeah, but I think Nenene is preferring they keep to small magazines and not the phone book."
Dark Mayhem: "Does anyone else find it slightly ironic that they're using the Health & Life column for this?"
Chaos: [tilting his head sideways] "I think it's starting to turn into paper mâché now."
Then there was Nabeshin's stand-up comedy, in which he showcased how his hair was an afrodisiac. Many Puchuu bears gave their lives for his performance. And there was much rejoicing.
On a detour from the feudal Japan of the past, travelling monk (and lech) Miroku used the Air Void in his hand to suck off the clothes of all the females auditioning in the line-up. He received a standing ovation as he sealed the Air Void moments before it would have sucked all the underwear into oblivion, leaving him standing waist-deep in a pile of panties.
Miroku: [tossing panties to the judges] "Something to remember my audition by!"
Havoc: ^-^ "Hotcha! It's raining panties!"
Jyako: [teary-eyed & saluting Miroku] "The man is like the perverted Robin Hood I always wanted to be."
Dark Mayhem: "Chaos, quit screwing around and get your head out of Miroku's Air Void!"
Chaos: [thrashing around in Miroku's hand] "MPH!"
"Heya, Hentenno!" came a voice from behind the judge's row.
Havoc suppressed a groan and rolled his eyes. "NinNin, what are you doing here?"
"Don't you have someone else to be annoying?" Jyako muttered in a rather loud voice.
NinNin just laughed and slapped Jyako on the back. "Well, I thought that being a pledge for the Benkyo Brigade and all, you guys would want my help in judging all the new acts. My eye for entertainment has long been honed to perfection. Not to mention I've got an audition myself, but I'm towards the last hundred, so I have time to kill."
Chaos: [eyebrow twitch!] "Doesn't he have a home to go to?"
Dark Mayhem: "Only in his mind, Chaos."
Minni May glared at NinNin as he brought a chair over and wedged it between her and Havoc. "Aren't you supposed to be scrubbing down the Jello pool?" she said in a rather scathing tone.
NinNin waved her question aside. "Ah, I just passed that over to Charon. It's not like he had a lot to do anyways."
"Actually," Kintaro countered, "according to the daily task roster, Charon not only has kitchen classes in learning proper nyotaimori preparation techniques, but he's also waxing the Gunbustier mecha *and* scrubbing clean the temple in El Dojirado."
NinNin sweatdropped and let out a nervous laugh. "Well...it's not like he has anything to do tomorrow. Ne?"
"Actually," Kintaro countered again, flipping through another stack of papers, "Charon not only has--"
"Oh, look!" NinNin suddenly exclaimed, pointing to the dance floor. "The next act is performing!"
X/1999's very own Kamui demonstrated his high levels of psychokinetic skill by taking the Akiocar and crushing it into a very small ball of metal. Having been in the car at the time, Akio Ohtori did not take too kindly to that...but then he happened to spy a Totoro standing in the line-up, felt his omnisexual self getting frisky again, and chased after the terrified Totoro in an attempt to get the Totoro into the sack.
And in what had to be the crowd favourite of all the acts, Persocoms Chii and Sumomo led everyone on a Panty Parade!
Sumomo: ^-^ "One, two! One, two!"
Chii: [searching for panties] "Pantsu! Pantsu!"
Jyako, Kintaro, Minni May & Dark Mayhem: [marching behind her] ^-^ "Pantsu! Pantsu!"
Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "This is the weirdest conga line I've ever been in."
With Sumomo perched on his shoulder, Havoc led the search for women's underwear. However, thinking he could find them before anyone else, NinNin ran ahead and found a curious-looking trapdoor on the dance floor.
"Aha!" he exclaimed. "It must be here! I've found your secret panty stash, Hentenno!"
Sumomo's eyes widened in alarm as she saw NinNin trying to force open the Yaoi Trapdoor, and she blew her whistle. "Warning, warning!" she exclaimed. "You cannot get panties from there!"
"NinNin, get away from that!" Havoc snapped at the purple ninja. "Twit."
Next up was KareKano's Yukino, who showed off some pet tricks with her dog, the limp-like-a-wet-noodle PeroPero. PeroPero rolled over; played dead; tried jumping through a hoop, got stuck halfway and drooped over the hoop like a wet shirt; and swung back and forth like a pendulum to hypnotize a guest from the audience (that being Kintaro).
"When I snap my fingers," she said to Kintaro after placing him in a trance, "you will sound like Kenshin!"
She snapped her fingers, and Kintaro blinked awake. "Oro?" he remarked, scratching the back of his head.
Yukino turned to the applauding judges, and took a bow as she exclaimed, "Tada!"
NinNin: "Show us your panties!"
Yukino: [demonic high school girl mode!] >(
NinNin: o.O;; "Oh shit."
Two minutes of frantic running and one hoop shoved up NinNin's ass later--
Dark Mayhem: "At least it got rid of NinNin."
Everyone else: ^^v "Hai!"
--the judges watched as Furi Kuri's Canti the robot turned into a cannon & fired the haplessTaro across the club.
Chaos: >.< "Ow! That landing looked like it hurt!"
Jyako: "Without a net, even."
Havoc: [scribbling in his notebook] "They do get points deducted for spattering Taro across the wall, however. Have one of the Black Delmo's take care of that."
Lipumura from MAPS performed a gymnastics floor routine using the very ribbon that was wrapped around her body. Kintaro awarded her extra Benkyo points for letting him learn about nude rhythmic gymnastics. And when Kodachi Kuno, sensing a rival for her own act, tried to attack Lipumura, she was foiled by Miyu and Larva, who were currently taking time off from hunting Shinma to help keep the peace with some of the rowdier oversexed demons and naughty tentacle monsters frequenting the Planet.
And everyone marvelled as Haunted Junction's resident anatomy models, Bones Suzuku & Haro, realizing the stiff competition they were up against, decided that they had no choice but to...Cossak Dance!
The act following the brilliant Cossak Dancing, however, was not so inspired. Who should stroll onto the stage, looking like the Rocky Horror Picture Show had exploded all over him, was NinNin.
"What the hell is this?" Jyako exclaimed irately.
Minni May squeezed her eyes closed. "I'm all for a little crossplay every now and again, but if a man dresses in drag, he should damn well shave his legs first!"
Chaos stared on in NinNin in horror. "That," he stated to Minni May, "is not a true crossplayer. Hell, he's not even a member of the illustrious Crossplayers of Anime Association!"
NinNin: "Can I help it if I was so avant-garde, they turned down my application?"
Chaos: -.-;; "Oh, you were something all right."
Dark Mayhem: "There's a club for crossplayers?"
Chaos: ^^v "You're looking at the Vice President."
Dark Mayhem: "And when should I be seeing one or more of the horsemen of the apocalypse riding down the street?"
Chaos: "I saw a Guymelef flying down the street as I was coming here. Does that count?"
Havoc winced at the sight on NinNin in a woman's leather dominatrix outfit. "Let's just get this over with quickly," he sighed. "Okay, NinNin, what is this for?"
"It's my latest broadway musical creation," chirped NinNin, grinning from ear to ear. "Ataru and I are going to a song-and- dance number from what will no doubt be Planet Hentai's greatest stage feature ever. It's set in the roaring twenties of the yakuza underworld! Ataru and I wrote it ourselves. Presenting: All That Jizz!"
Dark Mayhem: >.< "I think I just heard broadway die a swift, gruesome death."
Kintaro: >.< "Unfortunately, the same can't be said for NinNin."
The next five minutes were ones that everyone later on regressed from memory for the rest of their lives, and swore that for the safety of the world they'd never mention it again. NinNin and Ataru crooned across the dance floor, botching up every other move in their dance choreography. Minni May nearly had one of her eyes poked up by a cane that Ataru was trying to spin around and lost control of. Desolation did not fare so lucky--he was decapitated by NinNin, who was trying to wield a katana sword like he actually knew what he was doing with it.
Deso-head: -.-;; "What kind of audience participation is this?!"
Fairy Godbabbit: [with popcorn] "I somehow don't see this show as having a very long run."
Chaos: [grabbing some of the Babbit's popcorn] "Not unless you count the audience running as far away from the theatre as they can. What, no butter?"
And through it all, NinNin and Ataru managed to hit every single wrong and flat note. For their finale, NinNin and Ataru slid across the stage on their knees, thrusting their pelvises forward as if they were threatening the judges with a loaded weapon.
"So whaddaya think?" NinNin asked, out of breath.
Havoc turned to the recently borrowed American Idol judge sitting next to him. "Simon, care to go first?"
Simon Cowell: [in a shameless cameo] "NinNin, was it?"
NinNin: ^^v "Yo!"
Simon Cowell: "What the hell was that? Look, I just came out from the Hentorium, so I can accurately state that I have heard catgirls fuck with more harmony than you. In fact, if you persist in continuing this poor excuse for a brainfart, I'm going back to the Hentorium so I can enjoy listening to the harmony of catgirls fucking each other instead of you."
NinNin: "So...does that mean I pass to the next round?"
Dark Mayhem winced and shook his head. "You know, Chaos, I never thought I could have found anything worse than your 'Once Upon A Time In Crystal Tokyo' fanfic."
Chaos beamed. "Thanks! (o.O;) Hey, wait a minute! That was an insult!" Chaos turned in his chair and scowled indignantly at Dark Mayhem. "And what was so wrong with that fic?"
"Would you like specifics?"
Dark Mayhem ticked off the first item on one of his fingertips. "Everything."
"You amphibious son of a--!"
"Moshi moshi!" shouted NinNin over them, stomping on the stage. "I still haven't finished my big closing number yet!"
"Oh, I've got your number all right," Havoc agreed in a dark voice, and yanked on the pan-dimensional rope dangling next to him.
NinNin was instantly plunged into the Yaoi Trapdoor he was standing on. Amidst the writhing of naughty tentacles and the shrieks of the purple midget ninja, Chaos, Dark Mayhem, Jyako, Minni-May and Kintaro all stood up from their chairs, applauding wildly.
Everyone: "Encore! Encore!"
"And what, might I ask, is everyone cheering for?" came the cool, suave voice of Lohengrope as he strolled up to the judge's row.
"NinNin just had an unexpected encounter out of the La Blue," Jyako glibly replied.
Lohengrope turned his attention to the stage just in time to see the last tentacle wriggle beneath the stage as the trapdoor sealed itself shut. "It seems I missed the spectacle," he sighed. "I could have let him suffer an orbital bombardment had it pleased you so, Hentenno."
Havoc dismissively waved the offer aside as he turned towards Lohengrope. "Nah, the Yaoi Door works fine enough." Havoc's eyes suddenly fixated on the young woman whose arms were wrapped around Lohengrope.
The others turned, and were equally surprised to see a tall woman with tanned skin, long dark hair, and carrying a big-assed, key-shaped staff on her back.
Chaos: o.O;; "And Setsuna?!"
"Now there's a pairing no one saw coming," Minni May remarked. She glanced over to Dark Mayhem. "What were the odds on them anyways?"
Dark Mayhem consulted the spread. "Let's see...a three hundred thousand to one shot on the Anipike betting pool. Definite dark horse, so to speak. In fact, the only people to bet on a pairing as twisted as that were...the authors?!"
Sean Gaffney: [frolicking in piles of cash!] "I love being omnipotent!"
His lordship Chaos: ^^v [girding his loins in boxers made of money!] "It's good to be the god!"
"We really began to hit it off during the Omake of Doom," Setsuna said with a pleasant sigh as she leaned up against Lohengrope's shoulder. "I don't know what it is about him: his brilliance, his bishiness, or just how plain cool he is when he's being evil. I love all of it!"
Lohengrope smirked as he appraised the stunned expressions of the others. "I quite enjoy her company as well. Not only does she have a brilliant intelligence during any conversation, but with that staff of hers, I'm unstoppable. All she has to do is look through time, and we can devise any diabolical strategy against our enemies we so choose."
"Speaking of which, honey," Setsuna added as she consulted her watch, "we need to remember that we have the stomping of the Comet Empire later this evening. You'll want to have the Imperial Fleet ready and in position by five tonight."
Lohegrope's smirk turned into a grin, and he kissed Setsuna on the cheek. "For you, I shall have the fleet in place by four o'clock. Then we can dine in my private quarters by the light of the enemy ships being blown apart in space."
He turned his gaze to Havoc. "I trust this meets with your satisfaction, Hentenno?"
"This does admittedly pose a problem," Havoc admitted, stroking his chin. "Benkyo Brigade members do not poach on each other's territory. It's a part of our Brashido code."
He looked up inquisitively at Lohengrope for permission.
Lohengrope considered Havoc's request, and then nodded his head. "You may proceed as always. I would never deprive you of your panty-stealing rights as Hentenno, after all."
He then leaned down and whispered into Havoc's ear, "Just save Setsuna's pink, frilly bra for me. It's so kawaii!!"
Lohengrope and Setsuna took a seat next to Kintaro, and while they did not act as official judges, they both gave their input regarding the last half of auditioning acts for the Planet. They watched as the Sanijyan, through Pai, displayed a 3,000 year-old Triclops tantric sex technique that only a Wu can really appreciated...or survive.
Jyako: o.O;; "Oh dear lord, it's dislocated! She has it facing the completely opposite way now!"
Chaos: o.O;; "Someone get that 'Wu' some ice!"
Minni May: "Wow, and all it takes is a single, proper gyration of the hips."
Kintaro & Dark Mayhem: o.O;;; "You're taking notes? Are you mad, woman?!"
Havoc: o.O;; "Lohengrope...and cute, frilly bras?!"
Next up were the angelic girls of Haibane Renmei doing extreme Frisbee tricks with their halos. They were followed by Tira & Chocolate Misu's "Whip it good!" act, wherein they required a volunteer from the audience. Chaos was unanimously voted to volunteer his services.
Tira: [cracking her whip!] "It's time for the whip, Chaos!"
Chocolate: [chasing Chaos across the dance floor!] "Chaos no baka!"
Chaos: o.O;;; "Baka desu!!!"
Jyako: "He's got nice form."
Minni May: "Not to mention all that running has made him remarkable toned for a string bean avatar."
Dark Mayhem: "Most of that's just airbrushed in after the fact."
Havoc: o.O;;; "But...Lohengrope...Setsuna...frilly bras?!"
The act following that saw a familiar face returning before the judges.
"Ataru?" Jyako exclaimed as Urusei Yatsura's resident lech strolled across the floor dressed in a magician's hat and cape. "What are you doing here again?"
"Hey, 'All That Jizz' was NinNin's handiwork," Ataru said, barely able to hide his leering grin as he looked at Minni May. "Now that he's out of the way, it's my turn to shine. As you can see, I also know a bit of magic."
Dark Mayhem rolled his eyes. "Oh joy. Maybe he can make himself disappear."
"I'd applaud that," Chaos said.
Ataru let out a haughty laugh as he listened to their criticisms. "Mock me all you want, but my technique is flawless!" he proclaimed. "A disappearing act is exactly what I plan to show you all today. Watch and be amazed as I make...Minni May's clothes disappear!"
Before anyone could try and stop him, Ataru dove right for Minni May, his fingers groping at her for the chance to strip her nekkid and earn himself some much-wanted fanservice. Suddenly Miyu appeared standing between Minni May and Ataru. "You may not be a stray Shinma," she stated as a sacred flame sparked to life in the palm of her outstretched hand, "but you shall be sealed just like one of them! Larva!"
Ataru had just enough time to shriek and remark, "Ooh, that tingles!" before he vanished amidst the flames. An empty dance floor was all that was left behind.
"Good reflexes," Dark Mayhem complimented the duo. "So where did you send the little dingus?"
"We banished it back to the Dark," Miyu stated.
Chaos scratched his head. "And just where is that, anyways?"
Larva shrugged and said through his mask, "A Weib Kreuz yaoi archive."
Hours later, the auditions were over, and all of the applicants had a chance to present themselves before the Benkyo Brigade for evaluation. Chaos left to see how much Hotaru had won at the races--and in fact she made enough money to buy Chaos an enormous Newton's Cradle made entirely of Gema balls.
As for the Benkyo Brigade, to celebrate (and, depending on the act they were mentioning, commiserate) they gathered at the Benyko Booth and had a free round of Sapphic Light beers. Somewhere during the toasts to the well-done presentations, Charon sauntered out from one of the annexes in the club.
"I thought you were scrubbing down the Jello pool," Kintaro said. "NinNin passed that chore over to you, didn't he?"
"Yeah, well that's how it started," Charon said as he sat down at the booth. "I had stripped down to my shorts and was scrubbing the pool away with my broom. Then the damnedest thing happened: a Chibi-Havoc came bounding by, and Lina Inverse was chasing after her. One Dragu Slave later, and the entire pool is filled with Cream Lemon. The next thing I know, every last Delmo babe has shown up for an impromptu skinny-dipping session. And they're all asking me to wash their backs...among other parts."
He sighed wistfully and stared up at the ceiling. "Cleaning out the pool isn't really so bad after all."
Dark Mayhem whistled his amazement. "Not bad at all, Charon. That would have been preferred over NinNin's suicide-and-dance number. Ne, Havoc?"
Everyone turned their heads towards Havoc.
Havoc, however, was staring down into his cup of G-Taste Coffee, shaking his head in disbelief. "I don't understand it," he said. "Lohengrope...and cute frilly bras...but why? Cute bras? Frilly? Him?"
Still shaking his head, Havoc wandered off, muttering things about how impossible it was for someone like Lohengrope to be going all giggly about kawaii, frilly bras. Looking across the table, Jyako shook his head. "Son of a bitch!" he exclaimed, and slapped Lohengrope across the back. "You did it! You actually did it! You broke Havoc!"
Lohengrope calmly took another sip of his Hotcha Ocha tea. "Hai hai. And as per our wager, I believe you now owe me a drink and a pair of Megumi's panties."
Thanks to Gaffney for helping brainstorm acts for the auditions. And to Havoc, for helping conspire in one of the few ways to ever break Havoc (without the inevitable splooting aftermath, of course).
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