Kiss and make up...
Or just make off with their panties!

Carnage: "What the?! Hotaru's going to Havoc for advice on dating Chaos?!"

Mayhem: "As much as I'd hate to see that vein in your forehead popping and staining the carpet, this second installment of the Valentinefic gets much worse."

Carnage: "And how could *that* possibly happen?"

Pesti: "We get to witness Hotaru actually using Havoc's advice."

Chaos: o.O "A-Ano...."

Carnage: [shaking his head] "It's a dark dark day for Anime after all. I'm so damned depressed now, I'll just have to thrash Havoc."

Havoc: ^-^ "Oro?"

Carnage: "DIL BRAND!!!"

Hysteria: [giggle giggle!] "Oooh! Hotaru-momma and Chaos-momma getting together sounds just soooo kawaii! Especially when Hotaru-momma has the kawaii little whip-chans and whipped cream!"

Chaos: [eyebrow twitch!] "She what?"

Pesti: "Sukebe."

Chaos: "Who are you calling the mega-pervert, Pesti-chan?!"

Pesti: "Ha! The day I go hentai is the day pigs fly!"

       [Cue the little black piglet being unceremoniously booted across the intro!]

Ranma: "I told you to stay outta this, bacon-breath!"

Akane: [grrrr!] "Ranma! How dare you do that to my poor P-chan!"

Fanboys: [turning to Pesti-chan] "......"

Pesti: o.O "Sheer coincidence! That's all!"

       [Cue a red bi-plane crashing into the intro! And who groggily climbs out from the cockpit but the Scarlet Pig, Porco Rosso himself!]

Pesti: [twitching SD mode!] "I fear, Mayhem. I fear."

Mayhem: [sigh!] "Pesti-chan, when will you learn to *never* say things like that when the author's listening in?"

Hysteria: "Ooooh! Porco-chan! Porco-chan!"

Porco Ross: [yep, he's a swine aviator] "Say, do you guys know where I might be able to get some repairs done?"

Carnage: [evil smile] "Do I?! Just two words for you, my friend: Heavyarms Custom."

Chaos: ^^ "So until our next Valentinefic, love, peace and elbow grease!"

Pesti: [sweatdrop!] "Elbow grease?"

Havoc: "That, or any other body lubricant of your choice!"

Chaos: "HAVOC!!"

Havoc: [indignant] "What? Did I say where they were lubricating from? Get your mind out of the gutter, Chaos."

Chaos: o.O "No, but...but I...he said...panties...but!"

Mayhem: "Well, will you look at that? Chaos managed to go a whole thirty seconds without making an idiot of himself. I'm impressed."

Carnage: "Must be a new record for the cross-dressing twit. Let's just cue the Valentinefic and get this over with."

       [Cue the Valentinefic!]

Are you ready to root for the hentai?
Well, you had better be since it's...


Part II: Lock, Stock & Beryl

       Your sexy and deranged author here...your sexy and deranged author's brain way way waaaaay out there! And if that's any clue as to what's in store but not in stock for this upcoming conclusion to the Valentinefic then you know that this sentence makes absolutely no sense whatsoever! Well, we had a killer romantic opener all set up for you as a special bonus, complete with raining cherry blossoms, tender lullabies and love ballads and lots of jump cuts featuring Anime's best kissing scenes of all times! But then we came to our senses.
       After all, who wants romance when you can have leather-clad Senshi spanking you for being a bad little otaku?

Havoc: ^-^ "Hotcha! Spank me, Michiru-baby! I've been a bad
little hentai today!"

Pesti: "And what's so different about this from every other
day he has?"

Mayhem: "Michiru might actually indulge him for once."

       Anyhoo, since we decided to rob you of something that might actually be coherent in this series, here's something we slapped together at the last minute instead:

Anarchy & Tasuki: [they've got Sake, they've got karaoke, who could ask for anything more?!] "Himi wo, Kimi wo, ai shiteru! Kokoro de mitsu mete iru! Himi wo, kimi wo, shinjiteru! Samui oru no!"

Mayhem: [wince!] "That sounds just as bad as your attempt at that Mazinger DBZ fic, Chaos."

Chaos: "Are you kidding?! Their singing's way worse!"

Anarchy: [glare!] "What?"

       [The fanboys immediately step away from Chaos.]

Chaos: "We really have to stop opening our fanfics this way."

Anarchy: "Shin'ne."

       [Cue the "Shake Your Booty" ChibiChibi robot!]

ChibiChibi: [shake shake shake!] "Chibi!"


       Anyhoo, at last it was the morning of Monday, February 14th. Valentine's Day was at hand and it was ready to use that hand to lovingly put each and every one of the fanboys in a gratuitous headlock. Yes, the morning was here, the sun had risen and as usual, Chaos was starting the day off by chasing after Catastrophe-chan.
       "Kusoooo!" a half-nekkid SD Chaos whined. "Catastrophe, give me my shirt back! I need that for school!"
       "chu chu!" the baby SD Godzilla-thingy happily squeaked, burping up a button that smacked Chaos in the face.
       "If all else fails," Mayhem remarked, sidestepping the irate li'l Chaos on his way to the kitchen table. "You can go Haley and put on a skirt."
       "Hush, Newtboy! Besides, all my fukus are being dry-cleaned right now."
       As it turned out, the chase ended sooner than expected when Catastrophe bounded over to Chaos' spot at the table and proceeded to scarf down all of Chaos' food, utensils and even the napkin!
       "Oooh!" Hysteria sighed. "Doesn't Catastrophe-chan look sooooo kawaii when she's eating, ne, Pesti-poppa? Ne? Ne?"
       "Do you mind keeping it down with the kawaii babbling?" Carnage spoke up. "I'm trying to eat here!"
       Pesti-chan sweatdropped. "Could you please refrain from calling me 'Daddy' until we actually figure out just whose kid you are, Hysteria?"
       Hysteria nodded. "Hai, Pesti-poppa!"

Pesti: [turning to Mayhem] "Refresh my memory: just how the hell did our alleged ten year-old daughter from the future manage to get enrolled in *our* high school anyways?"
Mayhem: "You know who to blame for that one."

Pesti: [turning to the author] "I fail to see the humour in this, buddy."

       "Catastrophe, that was my breakfast!" Chaos protested, going into teary Bambi eye mode as he surveyed the devastated remains of his meal. "What do you have to say for yourself?!"
       In rebuttal Catastrophe opened her mouth and let out a tremendous belch: "buuuuuurrrrrpppp!!!" In the process she also burped up a teacup which clocked Chaos on the side of the head and rendered him a twitching mass of otaku on the
       Carnage shook his head as he finished off his miso soup. "Baka. I could understand if this happened to him once or even twice...but every day of the week?!"
       "This is Chaos we're talking about," Mayhem said, finishing off his own breakfast.
       Chaos weakly crawled into his chair, sniffling. "What about my breakfast?"
       "Daijobu," Pesti-chan said, handing a bowl of rice over to Chaos. "This was spared from Catastrophe's appetite."
       Chaos nearly drooled at the sight. "Yes!" he sighed dreamily. "Somebody up there really does love me!"

       [Fanboy's Note: *ahem*, that's "someone up there really loves to abuse me!", ne? ^^]

Chaos: o.O "Suddenly I have a bad feeling about the next line."

       "Hotcha!" Havoc exclaimed, popping out from Chaos' bowl of rice. With a shriek Chaos toppled over backwards in his chair, the bowl of Havoc neatly landing on the tabletop.
       Havoc gave everyone the V-sign to display his new DOJI BOY: AGENT OF LOVE AND JELLO sweater with a picture of female Havoc as an SD Sailor Hentai on it. "Break out the kissing booths! Break out the whipped cream!"
       "How about I just break the freak?!" Carnage exclaimed, swatting Havoc into the wall with his Zanba sword.
       Chaos blinked, his face now covered in sticky grains of rice, one of the chopsticks sticking out from his hair. "A-Ano...what about my breakfast?"
       However Carnage just stomped on by Chaos--and proceeded to slip n' slide across the living room courtesy of Havoc's Cream Lemon. After finally coming to a complete stop thanks to the couch, Carnage took out a large stack of
very official-looking papers and flung them at Havoc.
       Havoc caught the documents in between the cups of his newly acquired bra from Miyu. "Na ni? What's this?"
       "It's a declaration of war," Carnage stated.
       The Hentenno gave him a blank look.
       Carnage rolled his eyes. "It means, you moron, that I have officially declared a state of hostilities between us. You've been more useless than Chaos in this series."

Chaos: ^-^ "Hai! I've always been completely--HEY!!"

       "As a matter of fact," Carnage continued. "You've done nothing but create more trouble and perverted plot lines. No matter how many times I smite you, no matter how many times you get punted, you just keep coming back! So now with this declaration of war, I have a legitimate excuse to blow your little hentai ass so far ahead into the series you won't even have a chance to show up in the OVAfics!!"
       Havoc seemed unable to comprehend just what Carnage was getting at. He blinked numerous times, the kana for "must think of something other than hentai... PANTIES!!...well, at least I tried" scrolling in behind him. "But what about all those free rides you gave me?" he asked. "You know, the ones that airlifted me from one panty-boosting job to the next?"
       Carnage's eyebrow began to twitch again. "That was assault with intent to zorch, you idiot!"
       Havoc sighed and shrugged indifferently. "Very well," he said evenly, holding out Miyu's bra. "If you win, I'll give you these."
       Carnage facevaulted.
       "That's not what I mean, you perverted moron!" he exclaimed, his head going into oversized balloon mode.
       "You mean you're not fighting me over Rei and Miyu's silken treasures?" Havoc asked, surprised. "That doesn't make sense at all! What kind of a hentai are you?"
       Mayhem abruptly walked in between the two, taking Carnage by the shoulders and leading the twitching mecha-otaku into the kitchen.

Mayhem: "Come on, Carnage, looks like it's time for another large cup of decaff."

Carnage: [grrr!] "When? When?! When does the hurting stop?!"

       Pesti-chan turned to Havoc. "I swear, Havoc, if the constant destruction of Escafanboy doesn't give him a nervous breakdown, you will."
       Havoc gave his Chichiri grin. "Hotcha! I'll be sure to line his padded cell with panties then so he can feel up right at home!"
       "Ooooh!" Hysteria piped up. "Panty-chans! Panty-chans!"
       Chaos turned to Hysteria. "Do you even know what the word hentai means?"
       Hysteria nodded. "Hai! It's written all over those kawaii little tape-chans in Havoc-poppa's kawaii little video collection!"
       Chaos' eyebrow twitched. "Ano...."
       "I even started a news group to commemorate today,"
Havoc continued, bounding back onto the dining table. "It's alt.Hentenno.getnekkid! There's also a sister site of alt.Hentenno.pantiespantiespanties!"
       Numerous facevaults into the table ensued.
       "Out of all the places we could even begin to get famous, it has to be on a *hentai* newsgroup?!" Chaos groaned.
       "We would have had a listing in that alt.mecha.Gundam4U site had Carnage not decided to use the Wing Zero Gundam during his arguments," Mayhem countered.
       Carnage rolled his eyes at that, sipping his decaff. "So I got banned from there? Big deal! Ne, Mayhem, could you pass me the cream?"

Havoc: ^-^ "Hotcha! Cream comin' up!"

Carnage: [grrr!] "Did I ask for you to help, Havoc?!"

       Pesti-chan sighed. "Banned?" he said. "Carnage, there was nothing left to ban you from! You nuked the newsgroup!"
       "Well it was that Wufei-san's fault for saying Deathscythe Hell was the wussiest Gundam of them all," Carnage replied with a shrug. "Anyone else want some tea?"
       "Ooooh!" Hysteria piped up. "Tea-chan! Tea-chan!"
       Mayhem looked down at his watch. "Shimatta, no time for that. We'd better get moving if we want to make it to classes on time."
       "But what about my breakfast?!" Chaos protested as all the fanboys scrambled out from their chairs and hastily got their things together for school. He turned around to come face to Chichiri-grinning face with Havoc.
Havoc: ^-^ "Jello?"

Chaos: [eyebrow twitch] "No thanks; I'm trying to quit."

       In a few minutes they were all assembled and out the front door...everyone except Carnage, that is. Mayhem glanced over his shoulder as he saw Carnage standing just in behind the doorway. "Ne, Carnage, get your ass moving! We're
gonna be late again--and I am not about to use that Samurai Pizza Cat cannon again after last week's fiasco with the Eye of Foggler."
       "You're *certain* no one's in the hall?" Carnage pressed.
       The gang looked around the hallway, which was deserted save for them. "It's clear," Pesti-chan said. "Not a girl in sight to snag you for Valentine's Day, Carnage."
       With a sigh of relief Carnage stepped out the door...and was immediately carried away by an enormous stampede of Anime babes!!

Anime babes: ^-^ "Gorgeous!!"

Carnage: o.O "Damn Tenchi Masaki syndrooooooooome!!!"

       "Who needs the babes to give you tokens to remember them by?" Havoc remarked, pulling out two enormous handfuls of panties. "I just help myself. Hotcha!"
       An abrupt chorus of shrieks echoed from around one of the corners as the young ladies suddenly felt a draft.
       Pesti-chan shook his head. "I've given up trying to figure out how you do that, Havoc."
       "Sugoi!" Hysteria said. "Where did all those kawaii girl-chans come from?"
       Mayhem glanced back at the last place Carnage had been. "We might not be seeing Carnage again for the rest of this fic, you realize. This must be making you ecstatic, ne, Chaos? Chaos?"
       Everyone looked down at the floor, where a flattened and dazed Chaos laid sprawled out on the carpet. A few hundred footprints were all over him.
       "Stupid author," Chaos warbled. "Ask him to stop the Valentinefic...."

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