And off Chaos flew, high into the air. However his crashing descent was nicely stopped by a friendly tree branch. "Mako-chan!" the battered otaku exclaimed, wobbily leaping up. "My love for you will never die!"
Seconds later Chaos came to the abrupt realization that he had landed in the middle of the street. It was that large delivery van with Mackie and Sylia at the wheel that clued him in...right before it turned him into a hood ornament. A psychotic Sylia gave a wicked cackle and fingered the rest of the Scrambled Wars cast as they proceeded to drive over Chaos all in succession.
"Na ni?" Minako asked, watching the Silky Doll van disappear from view. "What was that?" "Moonlight revenge," Mayhem replied evenly. "Ami-chan,
shall we adjourn to Planet Hentai?"
The sweet and kind Ami-chan nodded coyly, pulling a small tickle whip out from her schoolbag and giving it a test crack. "Hai, Carrot-chan."
The other Senshi laughed nervously.
"She's really beginning to scare me," Usagi said.
Makoto nodded. "Hai hai. Ne, Kamui-chan, shouldn't we be leaving too?"
"It's probably a safe thing to do while Chaos is still dazed," Pesti-chan agreed. "After you, Mako-chan."
The group headed across the school courtyard to begin their romantic Valentines dates to celebrate a day of love and gratuitous kissing scenes. Usagi looked up from her chocolates. "Ne," she remarked, motioning to a strange-looking man standing at the gate. "Doesn't he look familiar?"
"Now that you mention it, he does," Makoto said.
Ami leaned forward. "What would someone like him be doing at a high school?"
The man pivoted and gave them a wave. "Ex-ah-cu-sah me," he said in reeeeeeeeally bad English. "Wha ti-mu is it now?"
Pesti-chan's sweatdrop for a sidekick appeared next to his head. "Mayhem, does that bad accent and really bizarre head of wavy blonde hair belong to who I think it belongs to?"
Mayhem groaned. "It does, Pesti-chan. It does. Shimatta, this is *not* helping out our fanfic in the slightest."
"Oooh! Hysteria knows you!" Hysteria piped up, excitedly pointing at him. "You're kawaii little TigerEye-chan!"
The man's eyes narrowed. "What? You guys again?"
The fanboys groaned, smacking their foreheads. "Not again."
"Oooh! Oooh! We a-ru yo-ru tar-u-get-sah, ne? Ne? Ne?" Hysteria giggled, bouncing around TigerEye.
TigerEye grinned and nodded. "And you have a beautiful dream I'm here to steal," he said. Suddenly the rolling carpet was thrown in front of TigerEye for the transformation. And once more he had a whip with him.
Pesti: "Just what is it with all the whips?! First the author gives them to the Senshi and now the villains!"
Mayhem: "For those of you reading who still *haven't* figured out that our author has S&M tendencies yet...."
The Senshi recoiled in surprise, Usagi nearly choking on her chocolates at the sight of TigerEye making a special guest cameo. Moments later they all mysteriously disappeared. Numerous students also turned around to watch the spectacle, and with a sense of impeccably imperfect timing Chaos leaped back into the story.
"Okay, that's it, Pesti-chan!" Chaos said, stomping back into the courtyard. "I'm taking *my* Mako-chan out tonight for dinner, so prepare for--!" Chaos paused and looked over at TigerEye. "And I've come at a bad time,
"Actually," Mayhem replied. "We could use something to distract him. Care to try tapdancing, Sailor Dragqueen?"
"I am not a dragqueen!" Chaos snapped.
"Wah!" Hysteria squeaked happily. "Hysteria hopes a kawaii little Tuxedo-chan will come and rescue her!"
As if on cue a series of rose petals drifted across the temple grounds. A whistling melody drifted across the air, accompanied by the Tuxedo Kamen theme music. It was abruptly cut off as Pesti-chan used his Rumblequake to take
out the PA system.
"Tuxedo-chan! Tuxedo-chan!" Hysteria said. "He can help poor kawaii little Hysteria!"
"So," Chaos inquired. "Think we'll have a repeat of the Christmasfic?"
"With us involved, I can't see it happening any other way," Pesti-chan replied, shielding his eyes.
And then there he was: Tuxedo Kamen appeared standing atop the front gates of Jyuban High. The entire crowd either facevaulted or sweatdropped upon seeing the suave Tuxedo Kamen dressed in his tophat, cape and mask...and nothing
"N-N-NA NI?!" Hysteria exclaimed. "Hysteria wanted to be saved by Tuxedo-chan not Kekko-chan!"
"Yep," Mayhem said with a nod. "It's Tuxedo Kekko Kamen alright."
Tuxedo Kamen's cane extended with a Boing! sound, the masked warrior proclaiming, "In the name of the moon I'll smack your ass!"
Seconds later an enormous mallet came crashing down upon the hapless Tuxedo Kamen. Out from the cloud of dust emerged Naoko Takeuchi. "Are you that depraved to do this to my beloved Tuxedo Kamen not once but as a recurring gag?!" she demanded, hoisting out another 1000t mallet and chasing after Chaos with it. "It's your fault he's like this!!"
"Chaos, run," Pesti-chan said, stepping away from the hapless target.
Chaos: [frantic li'l SD mode!] "This is not my idea of a self-gratuitous Valentinefic here!!"
As it turned out this provided the perfect distraction for TigerEye, who immediately snapped his fingers. "One." Suddenly a red backboard emerged from the ground, slamming into Hysteria's back. "Two," TigerEye stated. Manacles emerged from the backboard, chaining Hysteria's wrists and ankles down. TigerEye smiled darkly. "Three."
Hysteria shrieked as the most kawaii li'l dream mirror you've ever seen erupted from her chest. "Waaaah! Tasuketeeeee!"
"No!" Pesti-chan shouted. "Tiger Eye, don't even try it!"
"You wanna get yourself killed?!" Chaos exclaimed.
Mayhem's eyes narrowed. "Looks like it."
"Hai!" Hysteria piped up from her place on the board. "The fanboy-chans are going to protect kawaii little Hysteria! Watch out, TigerEye-chan, because they'll kick your kawaii little butt! Ooooh! Do you use that kawaii little Bun-chans of Steel video?"
TigerEye gave Hysteria a funny look. "Just how did someone like you wind up with a beautiful dream?"
"Yes, Sailor Dragqueen, why don't you go and save your kid?" Mayhem remarked with a smirk.
"Hush, Newt-boy!" Chaos snapped. "She goes Jusenkyo too, might I add. Besides...I just had my sailor fuku steam pressed and I don't want to wrinkle it."
"Enough!" TigerEye snapped, cracking his whip. "I've got someone here who'll keep you company. Come out my little friend: Kanaria! Kanaria-chan!"
"Hang on," Mayhem said, flipping through their trusty pan-dimensional dictionary. "Na ni? This is all in katakana, not hiragana...and it means 'canary'."
Chaos groaned and smacked his forehead. "Without a doubt this has to be the stupidest lemures I've ever seen."
"Even worse than Teacake-chan?" Pesti-chan asked.
Suddenly what should appear but a lemures dressed not just in a ridculous, oversized canary suit, but with the cage as well! "Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-tee-do!" Kanarai-chan exclaimed joyously as she rattled off her scales.
Pesti-chan's eyebrow twitched. "Okay, you were right: she's the stupidest lemures yet."
Mayhem cracked his knuckles. "Chaos, I know this goes against both of our principles, but I think now's a good time to make an exception. Kiss me."
"Ohayo!" Kanaria-chan exclaimed, turning towards the fanboys. "Who wants to sing with--?"
Sailor Dragqueen--er, Haley: "FALLING COW!!!"
Dark Schneider: "MEGADETH!!!!!"
[Cue the fiery display o' Mass Destruction!]
Kanaria-chan: o.O "KYAAAAA!!! Stage out!"
Chaos: "Gee, that lemures o' the day lasted a good three seconds this time around."
TigerEye gawked at the smouldering remains of earth where his beloved lemures had once stood, yellow feathers now floating all over the schoolyard. A now female Chaos and a thoroughly unimpressed Dark Schneider slowly turned their
heads towards the Amazon Trio member. Pesti-chan raised a fist crackling with another Rumblequake smite.
"TigerEye," the new overlord said. "Trust me: you do NOT want to do this."
"You're making a serious mistake," Chaos agreed, adjusting his--er, her pleated skirt.
A now irate TigerEye stamped his feet. "How dare you upstage me like this! Well watch me stick my face into your little friend's beautiful dream!"
With that TigerEye stuck his head through the mirror of Hysteria's dream mirror, shafts of light erupting out from the reflective surface in the process.
"Oooh!" Hysteria giggled. "That tickles!"
And so in order to save Hysteria from having Tiger Eye gaze into her beautiful dream, the fanboys...did absolutely nothing to stop Tiger Eye. "Baka," Pesti-chan sighed. "We tried to warn him."
Dark Schneider shrugged. "Hey, if the dumb shit didn't want our advice, then he's gonna have to suffer."
"But even still," Chaos added. "Even someone like *him* doesn't deserve a fate like that!"
Seconds later an incredible scream of agony came from Tiger Eye, one so crazed and insane that one might have thought he was forced to watch a Himechan No Ribon 30-hour marathon. "Kawaii!!" he shrieked, pulling his head out from
the mirror with a crazed look in his eyes. "Too...kawaii...must...fight!!! KYAAAAAAAA!!!!"
Chaos blinked. "Ano...how did he get all those kawaii little bowties in his hair?"
And with that, TigerEye frantically raced across the school courtyard and leaped into his little ring of fire, returning to safety of the Dead Moon Circus.
"Well," the female Chaos remarked, giving Dark Schneider a quick peck on the cheek to seal away the sorcerer. "We tried to warn him to *not* look in her mirror for his sake, but do villains ever listen?"
"That was sooooo kawaii!" Hysteria laughed, skipping over to the trio. "Can Hysteria do that again?"
The fanboys promptly facevaulted.
Suddenly a loud chorus of voices boomed across the high school: "The school is a place of learning and friendship! We will not allow you to disrupt the schedule young students have here to broaden their minds and relationships!"
And with a grand display, four of the Inner Senshi leaped down from the rooftop of Jyuban, Sailors Moon, Mercury, Jupiter and Venus landing next to the fanboys.
"Agents of love and justice!" Sailor Moon exclaimed. "Pretty soldier Sailor--ne, where'd he go?"
"You just missed him," Mayhem said, thumbing back over to the roadway. "Gomen, but you're mindless spiels will just have to wait until the next fic."
The four Senshi sighed, lamenting over their missed cues. Moments later they made a discreet exit to revert back to their everyday selves.
"You know," Pesti-chan remarked during the interim. "I've been consulting the Hitoshi Doi coles notes again, and I think we might be doomed."
"It took you this far into the series to figure that out?" Chaos said, sweatdropping. "Yare yare, even I'm not *that* slow when it comes to our author's sado-masochistic whims."
Pesti-chan shook his head. "No, not that! I'm talking about the Super S season we're in. Look: according to this the Golden Crystal that the Dead Moon Circus is looking for is in Chibiusa's dream mirror."
"And what does that mean, Pesti-poppa?" Hysteria asked.
"Have we *ever* seen the Yamhead in this series...MSTfic 2 not counting?" Pesti-chan pressed.
Hysteria: "Ano...that's a bad thing, ne? Ne? Ne?"
Chaos: "Mayhem, make a memo to our future selves: when they try to make Hysteria from our gene pool, make sure they drown her in it instead."
Mayhem massaged his temples. "As much as this whole Dream Mirror thing's starting to get on my nerves, it couldn't be as bad as getting my Star Seed ripped out of my forehead."
"You mean this?" Chaos inquired, holding up a glowing crystal in his hands.
"Oooh! Chaos-poppa's Star Seed-chan is just soooo kawaii!" Hysteria said.
Mayhem raised an eyebrow as he looked down at Chaos' Star Seed. "And how did you manage to extract that?"
Chaos shrugged. "I sneezed it out from my nose this morning. Do you think I might need it in the near future?"
"You are such an idiot," Mayhem muttered, shaking his head.
"Well," Pesti-chan remarked. "Perhaps now is the best time for me to forget about our impending plot twist o' doom and just head for the restaurant. Ne, Mako-chan?"
Emerging from one of the side doors to the school, Mako-chan waved to Pesti-chan. "Ready whenever you are, Kamui-chan!"
"Pesti-chan, I expressly forbid this date to occur!" Chaos cut in, placing himself between Pesti-chan and Makoto. "You shall never date her so long as I am here to score with our Queen goddess Senshi above all!"
Minako rolled her eyes. "Here we go again."
"I have mastered the newest technique in my deadly art of Chaos-fu!" Chaos proclaimed, taking a stance for himself and then going into numerous gestures. "Behold the ultimate terror of my smite!"
"That's the Macarena, you dolt," Mayhem groaned.
Chaos nodded. "Hai! Aren't you terrified yet?"
"Ano...Kamui and Mako-chan already left," Ami said. Chaos facevaulted, the kana for "dateless" falling from the sky and beaning him on the head. Catastrophe-chan abruptly appeared and devour the kana before it could spread
any further throughout this fanfic special. And there was much rejoicing.
Banana-thingy: [popping out from behind Minako] "Ganbaru."
Everyone froze, Chaos and Mayhem's eyebrow especially twitching as they glanced over to Idol Project's Banana-thingy with the red cap. Minako looked own at the...um...okay, anyone else have an idea as to what to call a Banana-thingy?!
--;; Don't you talk to the author that way!
Okay, now that guy's starting to get on my nerves! Could someone from my kawaii all-female writing assistant team take a memo: kill the Banana-thingy!
Kawaii all-female writing assistant Pokemons: "Pika...Pikachu!"
o.O Oh no, they've gone Jusenkyo again!
Mayhem: [ahem!] "About this Valentinefic we're in the middle of?"
Hai hai. Excuse the author as he rants once more.
Okay, getting back to the fic at hand (which is in fact better than two in the lemon), it was suddenly declared open season for the smiting of all annoying Banana-thingies.
Chaos: [evil smile] "Sugoi, ne?"
And with that, Chaos pulled out the largest pan-dimensional umbrella he had in his stash and then proceeded to irately chase after the frantic Banana-thingy. And he would have surely smited it too with our author's blessing...had two oversized breasts not suddenly erupted from beneath the ground the instant Chaos stepped past the front gates.
Naturally, Chaos freaked.
"KYAAAAAAAA!!!" the bug-eyed otaku shrieked moments before finding himself crushed between the aforementioned 15 foot high breasts.
Usagi recoiled right into Mayhem's arms, a rather comical expression of surprise and horror on her face. "KYAAAA!!!! N-N-NA NI?!?!"
Mayhem looked from the Usagi in his arms to the oversized bosoms now body sandwiching a stunned SD Chaos. "I believe those are called boobytraps, Usagi," he replied glibly.
"Wah! Breast-chans! Breast-chans!" Hysteria exclaimed, bounding after the enormous bosoms as they starting chasing a frantic Chaos down the street.
"When did Nagumo hold a grudge against Duo?" Minako asked.
Mayhem chuckled to himself, thinking back to Hotaru asking for advice on snagging Chaos. "Oh, I don't think it's Havoc who's gunning for our poor little Duo-chan."
"Hai hai," Ami agreed. "If Nagumo really had a grudge, our bras would be chasing after Duo by now. And speaking of bras--" She leaned closer to Mayhem's ear. "--I'm not wearing any, Carrot-chan."
Spontaneous combustion ensued.
"Oooh! Good point!" Usagi piped up, awed at the gentle and naive Ami-chan's wisdom. "So what does that mean?"
"It means," Mayhem replied, setting down Usagi. "that Hotaru's found a rather unique way of making sure Chaos will treat her to a Valentine's Day date."
Chaos: [making a fast break down the street!] "KYAAAAA!!! THEY'RE FOLLOWING ME!!! TASUKETEEEEEEEE!!!!"
Catastrophe-chan: ^-^ [chewing on Chaos' leg!] "chu chu!"
Chaos: "NOT FROM YOU!!!"
* * *
Well, if that wasn't one of the most surreal scenes ever in the history of Curse of the Fanboys!...I could probably give you at least 5 other contenders. Now I'm sure many of you are asking yourselves right now: "Just what has possessed the author to write a turkey like this?!"
And I'm glad you asked that question, because if you can figure out the answer to that, then my personal psychiatrist would like to compare notes. You can reach him at--!
[Cue the frantic SD Chaos racing through the author's rant, two enormous breasts still hunting him down!]
Chaos: [argh!] "Can't this wait until later?!"
Anyhoo, when faced against incredibly perverted odds in being hunted down and (in an ironic twist) fondled to death by two enormous un-boustiered bosoms, Chaos did what came naturally. And so Chaos ran away! He's packing it up and chickening out and shipping it off and--!
Chaos: [grrr!] "I SWEAR YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!!!"
Chaos left a neat dust trail behind him as he shrank into the most overexcited super deformed mode ever and took off like he had just been launched by Carnage's Samurai Pizza Cat delivery cannon. Yet despite putting distance
between himself and the breasts of doom, he failed to look where he was going and fell facefirst into an Olympic-sized pool of nothing but green Jello.
"What the?!" Chaos sputtered, flailing about. "Since when did this show up in the middle of road?!"
However he had very little time to think about it as the two enormous breasts crashed into the pool behind him, sending up a tidal wave of Jello. Chaos screamed as he surfed the Big Kahooter. And it just so happened that as he
crashlanded at the other end of the laaaaarge pool of Jello, Desolation happened to see him.
"Ne, I think that's Chaos," the lost fanboy remarked, standing up from his chair.
"Pay no attention to him," the guest on the other side of the table said. "Sit, please."
Desolation nodded and sat back down at the outdoor table to one of Tokyo's many cafes. "Hai. So...why did you of all people invite me here, Naoko-sama?"
Naoko Takeuchi smiled warmly from her chair, and pulled out a large heart-shaped box of chocolates. "Here, this is for you, Desolation. Happy Valentine's Day."
"For me?" a teary Bambi-eyed Desolation asked, prying
open the lid and popping a few chocolates into his mouth.
"A girl named Kodachi volunteered to make them for me," Naoko said cheerfully.
Desolation nearly gagged as the knock-out powder kicked in.
"You see," Naoko explained, leaning back in her chair and absently running a hand down one of her enormous 1000t hammers. "Out of all the major characters in these fanfics, you have done the least amount of damage to my beloved
Sailor Moon universe. Consider this my gift to you as thanks for sparing my Senshi from the senseless smitings that always seem to follow you around."
She looked over at Desolation, a sweatdrop appearing next to her head upon seeing a sniffling, teary Bambi-eyed fanboy about to launch into a fufu moment. "I...I don't know what to say," Desolation said. "Most girls I meet either
pummel me or don't have the chance to talk because something else pummels me! Like yesterday when I got lost on Kagato's ship and those Soja Guardians mistook me for Tenchi. It hurt...a lot. And let me tell you, Naoko-sama, breathing in
the vacuum of space is a lot harder than it looks!" All the while as Desolation spoke, Naoko nervously looked around the cafe as if expecting something to happen. She glanced down at her watch.
"Arigato, Naoko-sama!" Desolation continued. "Even though I've lost all use of my legs thanks to the knock-out powder, I shall treasure these chocolates like they were--!"
"Oh, look at the time!" Naoko cut in quickly, grabbing her mallet and dashing down the street. "Gotta go see ya later Desolation ja ne!"
A large question mark floated over Desolation's head as he watched the creator of Sailor Moon fastbreaking it across the road. "I wonder what's got her in such a rush?" he remarked.
And then an ominous shadow fell upon him.
Desolation looked up at the enormous foot of EVA 00 coming down upon the cafe. "Ah...I see."
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