The other fanboys looked up as they heard the high-pitched shriek of Chaos coming from one of the other rooms. Seconds later he emerged from the hallway, the VF helmet askew on his head.
"Come on, cough it up!" he exclaimed, vigorously shaking Rampage upside-down. "Cough it up!"
"CHU CHU!" Rampage happily squeaked, completely unfazed by Chaos' desperate efforts to get the memory disk of his work out from her digestive tract. Abuptly she burped up a fluffy bunny slipper--actually it was a fluffy Mokona slipper.
There was dead silence in the room.
"That had better not have belonged to one of us," Pesti-chan stated darkly.
Mayhem and Carnage nodded. "Hai hai."
"Wah!" Hysteria exclaimed excitedly. "So that's where Hysteria's kawaii little Mokona-chan slipper went to! Arigato, Rampage-chan!"
"Are you sure it's too late to kill her?" Carnage asked Mayhem. "We'd be doing our future selves a favour if we ensured she never returned to Crystal Tokyo."
"I'm beginning to suspect they sent her back in the first place just to rid themselves of her, and let us deal with her in the past," Mayhem replied, setting his newspaper down on the coffee table. Calmly he walked past Chaos trying to pry Rampage off his arm.
Rampage: ^-^ "CHU CHU!"
Chaos: [irate li'l SD mode!] "ARGH!!! Dammit, Rampage, I am not a chewtoy!"
"Baka," Mayhem remarked, liberating a bottle of Hard Lemonade for himself from the fridge. As he closed the fridge door, he looked at the monthly calendar posted on the freezer. The upcoming Monday was circled in a red, kawaii heart shape that could have only been drawn by a certain fangirl.
"Yare yare," Mayhem sighed. "Two days to go before February fourteenth. I can only fear what Hysteria's plotting in terms of a kawaii little tea party."
Pesti-chan rolled his eyes, finishing the last drops of his own Hard Lemonade. "So first it was December and now February...and we still haven't even finished F8!'s summer vacation story yet?"
"We're fanboys," Carnage stated, taking Rampage in his arms and punting Chaos into a wall. "We don't run on real time. That's the beauty of our series."
"Not that our author's paid much attention to continuity as it is," Pesti-chan muttered to Mayhem.
By this time Chaos had managed to pull his head out from the wall...only to catapult himself right across the room and clothesline himself on Carnage's Zanba sword.
"What's the big deal about Monday?" a groggy SD Chaos asked, wobbily making his way over to the fridge for a Hard Lemonade of his own. "There's not another pop-quiz I need to freak out over, is there?"
"Baka!" Pesti-chan snapped, smacking Chaos upside the back of the head. "It's Valentine's Day, you dolt! It's a total role reversal of what North America does."
Chaos rubbed the swollen bump sticking out from his hair. "Na ni?"
[Cue the SD Dark Schneider and SD Chaos suddenly popping up and taking over the fanfic!]
Chaos-chan: ^-^ "Welcome to another instalment to 'Ask Mister Uber Exploder Wizard'!"
Dark Schneider-chan: "Today for explaining the how's and why's of the Fanboys, we're going to demonstrate how you too can abuse your fanfiction cast just like how everyone abuses Chaos!"
Chaos-chan: "Hai! I'm the guy everyone gets to--HEY!! I thought we were here to explain the significance of how Japan celebrates Valentine's Day."
Dark Schneider-chan: [shrug!] "Either way, your ass'll get kicked before this page is out."
Chaos-chan: o.O "......"
Dark Schneider-chan: "Here's the deal: Valentine's Day in Japan is celebrated by the ladies giving out chocolate to the guys they like. We males are practically at the mercy of the female population on that day. Ain't it a bitch?"
Chaos-chan: "Don't forget what they call 'duty chocolate'. That's the cheaper kind you get more out of obligation for fellow male office co-workers and such. It's just to make sure no one is left out...but it doesn't exactly mean they like you either."
Dark Schneider-chan: "Man, you're gonna be one starving otaku when Valentine's Day rolls around. I'll be pretty damned impressed if the babes even bother to give you that obligatory shit."
Chaos-chan: "Anarchy gave me some expensive chocolates last year...which she had made from a concentrated laxative."
Dark Schneider-chan: [laughs] "Kick ass! I know a few pricks to give that to, just because they piss the hell outta me!"
Chaos-chan: [sigh!] "I just can't believe I learned such a cool piece of information as this from Nurse Angel Ririka. There's dark irony here, I'm certain of it."
Dark Schneider-chan: "You dared to watch something as Hysteria-like as Nurse Angel Ririka?! Now your ass gets kicked! MEGADETH!!!"
Chaos-chan: o.O "KYAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
[We now return to our fic in progress...such as it is!]
Carnage: [looking at you, the readers] "Everybody got that?"
Mayhem: "I think they have, Carnage. Let's get out of this rapid dialogue mode before we make someone nauseous."
Chaos sighed. "Well, I guess this means Mako-chan gets to take me out to dinner Monday night. Saves me having to pay."
Pesti-chan's eyebrow twitched. "She's already got a date with me, buddy."
That drew a laugh from Chaos. "Ha! I'll have you know that I've got a secret weapon. Come Monday morning, Mako-chan will be mine at last!"
Carnage turned to Mayhem. "Ne, he didn't managed to get his hands on an Anime Neuralizer, did he?"
"We can only pray he hasn't," Mayhem answered. "But if he did, knowing Chaos he'd have flash-bulbed his own memory down the toilet by now."
Chaos glanced back at Mayhem as he closed the door. "Ne, where's the Hard Lemonade freezer pops we made this morning?"
"Hotcha!" female Havoc exclaimed, popping out from the fridge. An SD Chaos gave a startled yelp as the fridge door swung open wildly, clocking him in the face and rendering him a dazed and swirly-eyed otaku.
Havoc bounded onto the kitchen counter. "In celebration of Valentine's Day, on Monday I will be giving these little gift packages out for free to every visitor of Planet Hentai!"
And with a grand flourish she launched a series of small, cloth-wapped boxes that neatly landed into the hands of the other fanboys.
"Bento Boxes?" Pesti-chan asked, opening the lid of his box. A sweatdrop appeared next to his head moments later. "Ano...Havoc, the...um...moist towlette isn't what I think it is, is it?"
"Mine's a frilly one," Mayhem said. "What's yours, Chaos?"
Chaos unfolded his 'towlette'. "Um...lace."
"Would you two cut it out!" Carnage snapped.
"Oooh!" Hysteria giggled. "Look at all the kawaii little bra-shaped chocolate-chans!" She took out one of the chocolates and chomped down on it. "Wah! And they're kawaii little lemony cream-filled ones, too! Arigato, Havoc-poppa!"
A heartbeat later Hysteria proceeded to wolf down the contents of the entire box.
"Suddenly I've lost my appetite," Chaos said, setting aside his bento box.
"Join the club," Carnage agreed, tossing his over his shoulder. However the chocolates were devoured by Catastrophe before they even had a chance to hit the floor.
"chu chu!" the baby SD Godzilla-thingy squeaked through its pacifier.
"Wah!" Hysteria whined. "Catastrophe-chan! Hysteria wanted to have those chocolate-chans!"
"Hey, check it out," Mayhem remarked. "There's a Havocfic attatched to the bento boxes."
Havoc enthusiastically nodded. "Hai! It's my latest brabuster thriller, Marmalade Goldenboy!"
Chaos: [eyebrow twitch!] "M-Masaka!"
Havoc: "Hotcha! There can only be one Hentenno-sama who can write a piece of work like that!"
Carnage: "There's gonna be a million pieces of Hentenno-sama in a second, freak! BUSTER BEAM!!!!"
Mayhem: [sigh!] "That's going to leave a mark on the carpet."
Pesti: [groan!] "Not to mention everything else in the apartment."
[Cue the gratuitous Cream Lemon explosion!]
Hysteria: [from behind her AT Field] "Ooooh! What a kawaii tsunami-chan of whipped cream!"
Chaos: [legs sticking out from a mound of Cream Lemon] "So...does that mean she's Anarchy's kid if she can pull that stunt off?"
Pesti: [with a WetVac] "You realize Anarchy will severely thrash you if she hears that, Chaos."
Havoc: "Hotcha! Well, I would cream five hundred miles and I would cream five hundred more just to steal your panties off your rear and then feast on Jello galore!"
Mayhem: "Looks like the Sunshine on Leith just became a full moon."
Carnage: "Is it just too much to ask that you stay smited even for once, Havoc?!"
* * *
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 13TH.
THE DAY BEFORE VALENTINE'S DAY.
AND CHRISTMAS CANDY IS STILL SELLING FOR 85% OFF....
Mayhem paused for a moment, wiping his hands off as he surveyed the overly busy kitchen. The counters were covered in various bowls, utensils and cooking ingredients while the usually immaculate kitchen table was now littered with various vegetables, packets of ramen noodles and various spices.
"Okay," he remarked. "Let's see what we have: mizutaki, tempura and tentsuyu. Are we missing anything else for lunch?"
"Are we making Miso soup as well?" Pesti-chan asked, looking up from slicing numerous fresh bell peppers.
Mayhem shook his head as he consulted their "Japanese Gourmet For Bakas" cookbook. "Given how most of this stuff will be ready in ten minutes or less, it's not worth the effort. My question is, are we planning some Strawberry Tofu sherbert?"
Pesti-chan made a face. "Tofu ice cream?"
"Actually," the fair Ami-chan said, helping Mayhem tending to the mizutaki, or chicken hot pot. "It's quite delicious. You should try it sometime, Kamui."
"I think I'll just stick with Hard Lemonade," Pesti-chan replied, resuming his work on the meal. Seconds later a fireball took out Pesti-chan's head. "Shimatta! Ami-chan, quit nuzzling up next to Mayhem, will ya? Lunch is supposed to be hot pot, not a barbecue."
Embarrassed, Ami-chan stuck out her tongue. "Gomen."
Coughing out a kawaii li'l smoke cloud Makoto resumed her own work. "Kamui-chan, how's the tempura coming along?"
Pesti-chan looked up from his side of the kitchen counter. "Um, I could use some more shiitake mushrooms," he said, almost finished preparing the tempura batter. "You have some to spare from the Hot Pot?"
"The Daikon dipping sauce is heated," Ami spoke up. "Would you just like me to keep it simmering?"
Mayhem consulted 'Japanese Gourmet For Bakas' book again. "Hai. Ne, Ami-chan, could you hand me the Sake and the sugar?"
Abruptly the doorbell rang.
"I'll get it for you," Makoto said, towelling her hands off.
"Arigato," Pesti-chan said, working with his chopsticks to flip over some of the batter-drenched vegetables. Abruptly a sweatdrop appeared next to his head as something loose & lacy floated down in front of him.
"N-Na ni?!" he exclaimed, recoiling in SD surprise and frantically pointing as a panty covered in batter landed on the grill and started to cook.
"Hotcha!" Havoc exclaimed, dropping in from above and sending Pesti-chan's face into the bowl of tempura batter mix. "The new revolution in edible underwear! Is there no end to the Hentenno's genius?"
Havoc glanced back as the fiery demonic aura of Pesti-chan rose up behind him. "If only there was an end to you, freak!!!" Pesti-chan shouted, booting Havoc straight through the ceiling.
Mayhem shook his head. "And yet another repair bill is added to the list."
"Hey, he started it!" Pesti-chan protested, batter dripping all over the place.
"Hotaru-chan!" came Makoto's surprised voice from the front entry. Pesti-chan and Mayhem turned their heads to see Hotaru entering their apartment.
"Ohayo, Makoto-san," Hotaru said, bowing slightly.
"We weren't expecting you here," Ami said, busy paying more attention to Mayhem than to the meal.
Mayhem raised an eyebrow as Hotaru remove her shoes at the front entry. "Hotaru, I hate to tell you this but Chaos is out right now. He just stole the remote control of the gods and is busy getting himself smited by Beans for trying to steal her lake god."
Hotaru laughed. "Actually, it's good that he's not here."
Ami-chan glanced over her shoulder. "Ne, where are Haruka and Michiru? Didn't they drive you here?"
"I came here by myself," Hotaru replied, walking into the apartment. "Ah! What a delicious smell!"
"We were making lunch," Ami said. "It's just Carrot-chan, Kamui, Mako-chan and myself, so there should be plenty of leftovers if you wanted to join us."
Hotaru's eyes seemed to light up. "Really?"
"Hai," Makoto answered, laughing at Hotaru's sudden enthusiasm.
"Are you sure you should be doing this?" Mayhem asked. "Haruka and Michiru would be ready to kill someone--probably us--if they found out you were running around Tokyo alone."
"Daijobu," Hotaru reassured him. "I came with a friend who'll ensure that no harm befalls me." She looked around. "Strange. Where did she disappear to now?"
The doorbell rang again.
"I got it," Pesti-chan said. "But after this I am taking a bath. Stupid pervert."
The demure and innocent Ami-chan giggled, licking Mayhem's earlobe. "Care to sneak in a quick bath first, Carrot-chan?"
As it turned out a bath might not have been a bad idea for Mayhem considering moments later he spontaneously combusted at that. Pesti-chan rolled his eyes in exasperation as he headed for the door.
"Coming!" he said, reaching for the door. The instant he grabbed hold of the knob the entire door came crashing down from its hinges, clobbering Pesti-chan as Hysteria bounded in with an oversized teddy bear in her arms.
"Oooooh!" Hysteria exclaimed, bounding across the living room. "Kawaii! Kawaii kawaii kawaii kawaii!!"
Ami blinked. "Hotaru...*she's* your bodyguard?"
"I see her point," Mayhem agreed. With Hysteria around, everyone who valued their sanity would remain at least six feet away. Anyone who didn't was liable to get a taste of her Kawaii Killer Butterfly attack.
"Hysteria's got Iris' kawaii little teddybear-chan! Hysteria's got Iris' kawaii little teddybear-chan!" Hysteria chanted happily.
Pesti-chan recovered from his big swirly eye mode and started pushing the doorframe off his back. "I swear those bangs of hers are covering lobotomy stitches," he muttered. He then launched into SD bug-eyed mode as another young girl stampeded over the door and flattened the newly appointed overlord even further.
"He's my teddybear!" Iris Chateau-Briande shouted angrily, chasing after Hysteria. "Give him back!"
Hysteria stuck out her tongue and pulled down her eyelid at Iris. "PIIIIIIDDDDAAAAA!!! This is now Hysteria's kawaii little teddybear-chan, Iris-chan!"
"Why you little...!!!" Iris fumed, using her psychic force to lob various items of furniture--including a sofa with a not so hapless Catastrophe-chan on it.
"chu chu!" the baby SD Godzilla-thingy chirped, leaping across the apartment and starting to use Iris' hair as as a teething chewtoy. Naturally, Iris freaked.
Mayhem chuckled as he watched the spectacle. "Ara ara, I guess she really is Chaos' kid after all. Hysteria's found a mascot to fight over possession of."
Hotaru's eyes narrowed. "She is not mine and Chaos-chan's daughter, Mayhem."
Suddenly Hysteria tripped, toppling across the coffee table and spilling a pitcher of chilled Hard Lemonade on herself. A few moments later a thoroughly drenched and kawaii li'l Jusenkyo newt blinked.
*Na ni?* the newt asked, holding up a kawaii li'l sign. *What happened to poor kawaii Hysteria-chan?*
"See?" Hotaru said, unable to contain the smug grin on her face.
"Perhaps we should take this conversation someplace a little more serene," Ami suggested. Her eyes widened and she ducked a flying houseplant courtesy of Iris Chateau-Briande.
Mayhem took Hotaru's hand and led her down the hallway. "I would be inclined to agree. Ne, Pesti-chan! Can you look after the meal while we're gone? We'll just be a few minutes."
"Ne, Kamui-chan, are you going to be alright?" Makoto asked, tending to the meal.
"H-Hai...." warbled the fanboy beneath the remains of the door.
* * *
And so once more we find ourselves jumping from one scene to the next with almost enough speed for our clothes to be torn off in the process and rendering the entire audience nekkid from where they sit at their computers!
Havoc: ^-^ "Hotcha!"
Chaos: "Don't you have some new peversion to create, Havoc?"
Hotaru looked around the grand library of the fanboys. "Sugoi!" she exclaimed, taking a few moments to survey some of the books, manga and tankobans on the numerous shelves. "This is bigger than Michiru-momma's!"
Ami turned to Mayhem. "Carrot-chan, I don't ever recall seeing this before."
"Washu said we never really needed a linen closet anyways," Mayhem replied, leaning against a pedestal in the shape of the Babbit from Child's Toy. "This is probably one of the greatest otaku collections of manga and Anime-related writings, and even fanfiction ever assembled. It also makes for a great place to hang out for some peace and quiet...provided we don't throw another keg party in here like last weekend."
He then proceeded to pop the top of the Babbit's head off, revealing a hollowed space where a few bottles of chilled Hard Lemonade on ice awaited. Hotaru took a seat on an armoir, patiently waiting for Ami and Mayhem to settle down together on one of the opposing couches.
"So," Mayhem inquired, taking a sip from his bottle of Hard Lemonade. "What brings you here to our apartment if it isn't for Chaos?"
Hotaru blushed slightly. "It does concern Chaos, which is why I'm glad he's not here. I...ano...I want to go out with my Chaos-chan tomorrow for Valentine's Day."
Mayhem nearly inhaled the contents of the entire bottle, his eyes ballooning out as he reverted momentarily into SD mode. "Excuse me," he coughed out. "I think I might have heard that too clearly, Hotaru. You...want to get Chaos out for a date tomorrow?"
Hotaru nodded, blushing once again as she anxiously looked down.
"Isn't it cute, Carrot-chan?" Ami asked, resting her head on Mayhem's shoulder while letting her hands work their way around his shirt.
With a great sigh, Mayhem began to rack his mind for options that Hotaru could use. "Well, it's more his ass that anyone has to worry about. Let's see...first off you have to make sure he doesn't panic. He's real hard to catch when he's in SD mode."
"Haruka-poppa's noticed that herself," Hotaru added. "There have been moments where I wished he could be like you, Mayhem: more calm and not so excitable."
Flattered, Mayhem grinned. "Hai hai. I am a rather cool fanboy, ne?"
"Well then," Ami-chan said, sprawling herself out on his lap. "Allow me to warm you up, Carrot-chan."
Mayhem's eyes bugged out. "A-Ami-chan, are your fingers where I think they are?"
Ami-chan giggled and nodded.
Seconds later Hotaru had to shield her eyes from a massive explosion that rocked the entire library, causing her armoire to flip over backwards and sending numerous books toppling off their shelves. Luckily all the falling articles missed her completely, and the armoire softened her fall. A little shaken but still fine, Hotaru picked herself up and looked around the library.
"What happened?" she coughed out.
Her eyes widened as she saw a large scorch mark on the floor, the flaming remains of Mayhem's couch now in various places across the library. Mayhem himself had been reduced to a flambeed, stunned otaku with his hair sticking out in all directions.
"Is he going to be alright?" Hotaru asked, looking to Ami.
"Oh, my poor Carrot-chan!" Ami cooed, starting to dust the ash off the smouldering otaku. "It looks like we get to play Ogenki Clinic again."
She leaned over to a bust of female Ranma's head on the endtable, and yanked on the ponytail. Something behind the shelves clicked into place, and a part of the floor suddenly began to retract. Hotaru couldn't quite find the words to express her surprise as she watched the hidden panel in the floor pull away to reveal a large hottub already filled with volumes of bubbles.
"Ne, Carrot-chan," Ami said, starting to undo Mayhem's shirt. "Care to scrub my back while I scrub yours?"
Hotaru sighed. "Maybe I'll just try Kamui instead."
She turned and shut the door moments before the demure Ami-chan disrobed and Mayhem's ensuing explosion sent up a tidal wave of bubbles that covered everything in the library.
* * *
Makoto looked up from frying the last of the tempura. "Oh, Hotaru-chan. How'd it go?"
"It didn't," she replied, somewhat dejected. She had been certain that Mayhem would have been at least some help. If only Ami hadn't been around to make him explode like that. Well, at the very least she knew she had to find a way to either tie down or sedate Chaos if she wanted him to take her out for a date.
It was then that she noticed that the apartment was surprisngly quiet. Hysteria and Iris Chateau-Briande were seated on the living room couch, both clutching the oversized teddybear and intently watching the television screen.
"How'd you manage to pacify them like that?" Hotaru asked.
"Desperate measures, Hotaru-chan," Pesti-chan replied. "They calmed down the second I popped in a tape from Hysteria's collection of Himechan No Ribon. Even though we swore to never let those tapes touch the big-screen TV...."
He voice trailed off as he shrugged and resumed tending to the meal. "Am I right in guessing that the explosion I just felt from the library means Mayhem won't be joining us?"
Hotaru nodded. "He and Ami are...busy."
Pesti-chan rolled his eyes. "And he says I cause too much damage in the apartment with my Rumblequakes and Zoantropying."
"Ano," Hotaru pressed. "Might I talk to you instead about Chaos?"
Not entirely surprised, but with his curiousity piqued none the less, Pesti-chan and Makoto agreed. The three sat down at the dining room table and had some chicken hot pot and tempura as they discussed the situation.
"So all you want is to have a quiet date with Chaos?" Makoto asked.
"Hai," Hotaru said. "Last time everyone was interfering, and our date ended with that woman you called Naoko Takeuchi trying to kill him."
Pesti-chan sipped a bit of green tea. "Chaos does seem to have that effect on most characters in our fics."
An evil smile appeared on the overlord's face. 'Excellent,' he thought, drumming his fingers against his tea cup. 'If I can help Hotaru snag Chaos, I'll be able to spend a quiet and romantic evening with my Mako-chan for once. I must ensure at all costs Hotaru gets Chaos on a date!'
"*WHOSE* MAKO-CHAN?!?!" bellowed Chaos' voice from across the fanfic, a cow crashing through the ceiling and clobbering Pesti-chan. "What the--BEANS, PUT DOWN THAT OCTOPUS THIS INSTANT!! NOT ON ME, DAMMIT!!!"
Pesti-chan suddenly leaped onto the table from the bovine crater, his fist shaking angrily as the vein in his forehead started to throb. His aura of Mass Destruction kicked into overtime, the flames threatening to peel the paintjob on the dining room walls.
Pesti: [leaping out the balcony window!] "STAY OUTTA MY THOUGHTS, YOU NEUROTIC MORON!!!"
Hotaru watched, blinking in surprise as Pesti-chan managed to clear the entire city of Tokyo in a single bound.
"Ano," Makoto said, turning to Hotaru. "I don't think he'll be coming back anytime soon."
Hotaru sighed. She had already tried Hysteria for advice; in retrospect she should have never asked someone like Hysteria about anything that actually involved thinking. Rei and Minako weren't at their houses, and she had yet to check with Usagi. Miyu was only who-knows-where.
Hotaru turned towards the closet as she heard a muffled avalanche of metal fragments, followed by a phrase from a certain mecha-freak that really shouldn't be repeated here. She shrugged her shoulders and headed for the broom closet.
"Might as well try Carnage."
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