"Okay, let's see what the manual says," Carnage remarked, pulling out the schematic design for his Zeorymer. Most of the surrounding hangar bay area was littered with pieces of mecha and other techno-babbly stuff that would probably just bore all of you non-Newtypes out there.
He scratched his head, picking up a wrench. "When selecting your type of edible underwear to fry in the tempura batter, be sure to be finding a suitable bra that can hold the right amount of Daikon dipping sauce for your group. Now while you're waiting for the tempura to finish frying, take the breasts of the Anime babe who's bra you're using as the condiment bowl, and knead together vigorously...what the hell?! HAVOC!!!"
Carnage tossed the cooking manual entitled 'Gourmet Hentai for Bakas' over his shoulder. "The perv is dead the next time I see him. Yare yare, this is going to take a helluva lot longer than I expected."
"Windshield wipers are on," came an automated female voice from the Zeorymer.
"AND YOU'RE NOT HELPING!!!" the oversized head of Carnage shouted at the mecha.
"Carnage-san?" a voice called out.
Abruptly a pan-dimensional viewscreen appeared in front of him, broadcasting the newcomer into his hangar bay for a bedroom. A series of ceiling lights were turned on, lighting the pathway from Carnage's work on the Zeorymer down the corridor to where Hotaru was standing.
"Hey, Hotaru-sama!" he called out, waving to her. He glanced over at the viewscreen. "Well don't just float there! Send a Mobile Doll to carry her over."
A few minutes later the Mobile Doll arrived, gently setting Hotaru down on the floor next to the scrapped Zeorymer. Carnage waved to her before making a series of zero-G hops down from the mecha.
"It's an honour to have you here, Hotaru-sama," Carnage said, bowing slightly as he wiped the grease off his hands with a towel.
Hotaru was still busy gaping at the enormous Zeorymer.
Carnage glanced back, snorting indignantly "That? Oh, the damned thing's been driving me insane worse than Havoc could on a bad day. Ever since the MSTfic 2, this baby just hasn't been working properly--and when I finally got her adjusted those stupid Serpent units managed to get that colony dropped on it *and* my beloved Escafanboy! ARGH!! I refuse to believe that the author will never let me complete my ultimate mecha to unleash upon the--!!"
"Er, perhaps I should come back later," Hotaru said, stepping back from the now ranting fanboy.
Carnage reverted back his normally abnormal self and laughed. "Gomen gomen! I'm a little touchy when it comes to my beloved mecha-chans."
Pulling out a small remote control from his jacket he activated a large crane. The hook and chain descended down to the floor, where he started prepping a large block of engine to be hauled off. Unsure if she was interrupting his muse, Hotaru remained silent and simply watched Carnage work.
"Ne, Hotaru-sama," Carnage remarked, elbow-deep in the various mechanical components of the engine block. "What brings you down here? Not too many people bother coming in unless they're fanboys, Gundam pilots looking for upgrades, or else--"
Rei: ^-^ "Akito!"
Miyu: ^-^ "Carnage-chan!"
Carnage: [groan!] "--one of them."
Rei and Miyu cleared the height of the engine block within seconds, each girl glomping onto one of Carnage's arms and fondly sighing. Well, Hotaru reflected, at least now she knew where Rei and Miyu had gone to. However now it looked like she'd never get the chance to talk to Carnage.
"Ladies, do you mind?" Carnage exclaimed. "I'm here with a guest!"
"Your mecha doesn't count as a real person," Miyu countered. "You should let my warm fingers be touching you instead of all that cold steel on Valentine's Day."
"What was that?!" Rei exclaimed, growling at Miyu. "Akito's going out with me tomorrow, not you!"
The two girls split from Carnage, facing off in another war of the fireballs. Carnage took the opportunity to leap down from the engine block and have the crane haul the two girls down the corridor. He and Hotaru watched as the erupting lights from the fireballs gave a very festive hue to all the parked mechas in their loading docks.
Carnage sighed in exasperation. Upon realizing that one of those strange mushroom-shaped clouds had appeared in front of his mouth, he promptly bisected it with his Zanba sword. "I don't know how the hell I'll ever survive tomorrow," he muttered. "Damn Tenchi Masaki syndrome."
"Ano...Carnage?" Hotaru asked.
Carnage turned around, laughing uneasily. "Aha haaaaa...sorry about that, Hotaru-sama. You were asking me about something?"
He walked over to another part of the Zeorymer and began doing some patchwork on a few of the weapons panels. Hotaru stood a few steps away from him as he worked.
"I need some advice," she began.
"Advice? You've certainly come to the right place," Carnage siad, tossing aside a few cables and hoses. "I'd be more than happy to help you out with whatever it is."
Hotaru took a deep breath.
Hotaru: "I need advice on how I can get Chaos-chan alone for a date tomorrow."
The scrolling kana for the wind: *Hwooooooooooo*
Carnage forced a sincere smile, the vein in this forehead starting to throb. "You...want to date...the Dragqueen?" he asked, laughing. "And you want me...to give you advice? Ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha! Bwah ha hah hah ha ha HA HAH HA HAH HA!!"
It was here that Carnage launched into a perfect maniacal Jinnai laugh. Abruptly his entire demeanour went serious as he turned to Hotaru. "If you'll excuse me for one minute."
Carnage turned around and pulled out a remote control with a single red button on it labelled "Nuke". And so Carnage did what came naturally to him: he nuked Chaos with his favourite method of Mass Destruction.
Beans: "Would it kill you two idiots to have this fight in someone else's fanfic?!"
Chaos: [grrrr!] "Prepare for Chaos-fu, Pesti-chan! Makoto's my date for tomorrow!"
Pesti: [with cabbages!] "She's *MY* Mako-chan, ya freak! And you stay the hell outta my thoughts for...what the hell's with the red light?"
Chaos: o.O "It's a Satellite Strike! Run away! Run away!"
Beans: --;; "I hate Valentine's Day."
Desolation: "Hey, what are you guys doing here? Did I miss--KYAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
[Cue the gratuitous Satellite Strike!]
With a large grin on his face, Carnage turned back to Hotaru. "Problem solved, Hotaru-sama!" he said cheerfully.
However Hotaru was less than thrilled. "Carnage!" she exclaimed angrily, arms crossed over her chest. "I said I wanted to *take* him out, not have him *taken* out!"
Seeing that he wouldn't be any further help unless she wanted to have her Chaos-chan injured more, Hotaru turned and walked out of the hangar bay. "Sayonara, Carnage."
"Hotaru-sama...!!" the teary Bambi-eyed Carnage sniffled.
"And bullets will bounce right off it," came the Zeorymer's female voice. "Oh, wait; that's reinforced steel. Never mind."
"KUSOOOO!!!" Carnage snarled, his irate li'l SD form neatly booting the now in-pieces Zeorymer. "I'm the mecha god and I command you to work, damn you! Blow something up!!!"
It was at that exact moment that Carnage realized he was standing directly in front of the muzzle for the Zeorymer's planet-exploding cannon.
Carnage: o.O [blink blink!] "Ano...."
Seconds later the Zeorymer nicely blew something up--namely, Carnage. The smoking remains of the fanboy was not impressed. "Have a nice day," the Zeorymer's automated female voice said cheerfully.
"Oh, shut up," Carnage muttered.
* * *
With a sigh, Hotaru strolled through the Ginza ward.
Hysteria was at her side, kawaiily pondering their last encounter. "Haruka-poppa seemed awfully mad when Hotaru-momma asked for her advice," she said. "So mad that Michiru-momma had to tie her down the bed again. I wonder what Michiru-momma meant by 'Deja vu'? Wah! Hysteria wishes she spoke Latin!"
Hotaru's eyebrow twitched. "Are you for real?"
Sadly, she reflected that this attempt to get a date with Chaos-chan so far had proven unsuccessful. All of Chaos-chan's friends hadn't been any help either. She hadn't seen Rei or Miyu since they were carried away on the engine block. And Usagi had ranted on for half an hour about something that might have been a love sonnet to baking cookies for Mamoru but that was about it. Hotaru wasn't sure if she could contact Setsuna-momma...or if it was even wise to try given what Haruka-poppa's reaction had been.
Hotaru knew that even trying to locate his sister, Anarchy, was a lost cause. That girl would either be too drunk to respond with something half-intelligible, or just be sober enough to one-up Carnage's explosive array on her Chaos-chan.
"Ooooh!" Hysteria suddenly exclaimed, flinging Catastrophe-chan high into the air and bounding off down the street. "What a kawaii little Yggdrasil bug-chan! Catastrophe-chan, you get a kawaii little snack-chan now! Catastrophe-chan?"
Hysteria looked around, finally realizing that when she had last seen her kawaii li'l baby SD Godzilla-thingy for a mascot, Catastrophe was busy knawing on the wings of a jumbo jet flying by.
Catastrophe: ^-^ "chu chu!"
William Shatner: "Noooo! There's some...SD Godzilla-thingy on the wing of...the plane! Why is it that...every time I fly over...Tokyo some...thing attacks my plane?!"
[Fanboy's Note: ^-^ Hotcha! Now *there's* a cameo we haven't seen for a long time. And may the Force be with you, Scotty!]
Hotaru groaned as Hysteria took off down the streets, a trail of dust behind the uberkawaii fangirl before disappearing completely.
"Hysteria!" she called out. "Hysteria, I need you to help get me into the Planet!"
But Hysteria was already gone, having stampeded through two stores and a car to rescue her precious Catastrophe-chan. Uneasily Hotaru looked down at the rippling sidewalk and then up to the building in front of her. Inside was her last resort--and the only person who might even have a clue as to how she could snag Chaos for Valentine's Day.
With some reservations (no, the *sensible* kind, ecchi!), Hotaru walked up the front steps to Planet Hentai and reached for the bell. She paused in seeing the phallic lanyard dangling from the breast-shaped bell. The front door opened a crack, a tall and nubile young lady staring down at Hotaru.
Hotaru took a deep breath. She'd been around Chaos and his strange assortment of friends long enough to recognize this as one of Havoc's Aika girl bodyguards. Probably a black uniformer too; the highest level possible in the guardress platoon of his.
"Whaddaya want, pre-puber?" the girl asked.
Hotaru shifted her stance, somewhat uncomfortable with being stared down like this. Bad enough she was still stuck in this twelve year-old state. "I'm here to see the...ano...Hentenno-sama?"
"You can't see him," the Aika girl stated. "He's in the middle of his three o'clock body sandwich, and his libito can't be disturbed!"
"But I need to see him!" Hotaru protested.
"Aw, everybody says that--even the ones with the big weapons wanting to hurt him. Look, nobody gets to see the uberperv, no way, no how. Well...not unless they're nekkid, covered in Cretan Olive Oil and have a bottle of whipped cream with them."
Abruptly the girl giggled. "Oooh, if only I could be doing that with Hentenno-sama right now!" she sighed dreamily.
Hotaru took a cautious step away from the door. "Ano...maybe some other time. But I need his advice on how to capture my Chaos-chan. There's no one else I can turn to."
The Aika girl's eyes narrowed. "Chaos, ne? Who are you, little girl?"
Well, at least Chaos' name was known to the staff. Maybe she did have a chance to talk to Havoc after all. If she had to push her connections, it had to be now. "Tomoe Hotaru," Hotaru replied, bowing respectfully.
The black-uniformer's eyes widened in recognition. "The Sailor Senshi, Hotaru? Well, that's a tongue of a different texture! Just wait there a minute and I'll see what I can do!"
Anxiously Hotaru waited.
She had never imagined that she had to go through this much trouble just to be with Chaos-chan for Valentine's Day. Then again, Usagi and Mamoru had always gone through hell just for their love. Maybe the love between her & Chaos was the same way. Hotaru sighed; Haruka-poppa would no doubt pitch a fit. Why was she so excitable when her Chaos-chan was around?
Hotaru lifted her head as she heard the the front doors to Planet Hentai being opened. And there was Havoc, bare-chested beneath a loose-fitting Planet Hentai staff shirt that had yet to be done up. "Uh, moshi moshi, Hotaru!" he said hastily, trying to do up his belt and pants. "You caught me in the middle of my...ano...my yoga exercises!"
He laughed, pausing to quickly wipe a large blob of whipped cream from his shoulder. "Shall we discuss this inside?"
Hotaru nodded and stepped inside, the doors closing shut behind her. She had heard lots of stories about this place from Chaos-chan and the others, and Michiru-momma and Haruka-poppa apparently had a few drinks here every now and then.
But now that she was actually her she wasn't sure what to say or do. Currently the club wasn't in full swing, a jazz band leisurely strumming away on stage with a few regulars at the tables. There was a bit of an awkward silence between Hotaru and Havoc, given that one was only 12 and the other was...well, Havoc. 'Nuff said there.
"Your devotion to physical and spiritual well-being is quite admirable," Hotaru spoke up. "What style of yoga do you practice?"
A sweatdrop appeared next to Havoc's face. "Do you know what tantric yoga is, Hotaru?"
Hotaru shook her head. "Tan...trick?"
Havoc smiled. "Nevermind; it's not important anyways. Listen, I'm happy that you're eager to start but I don't have you penned in for a panty-theft until you're fifteen. 'You don't pick the fruit before it's ripe,' as my sensai-hentai used to say. Of course he also said, 'You can never have too much whipped cream' right before he drowned in it. But in any case, I don't exactly want to mess with those powers you haven't learned to control yet. Going Cream Lemon thanks to Death Reborn Revolution is surprisingly quite painful even for me."
"Gomen ne, Havoc," Hotaru said. "But that's not why I'm here."
Havoc's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Then just why are you here? You're not trying to distract me long enough for the Knight Sabres to sneak in and get their hardsuits back, are you? Well it won't work because those suits are full of Jello right--"
"No, not that either," Hotaru countered. "I need your advice on gaining my Chaos-chan's affections for this Valentine's Day."
Havoc gave her a confused look. "A-fek-shun?"
Hotaru nodded. "Hai. Affection. You know, love?"
Havoc stood still, eyes closed in concentration. Hotaru was abruptly and acutely aware of the faint sound of Jello bubbling and the sweet smell of whipped cream burning. Suddenly enlightement struck and Havoc took a victorious stance as a plethora of panties exploded into the air behind him, accompanied by a "boing!" sound.
"Hai! I get it now: love!" he exclaimed triumphantly. "Yeah, I've heard of it. Botches a good hentai plot something fierce too."
Hotaru had to lean back just to put some distance between them. "Havoc, I've tried everyone else and they were no help. You're the last person I can turn to if I want to get Chaos alone with me for Valentine's Day."
A very evil and perverted smile appeared on the Hentenno's face. "Hotaru, my child, you've come to the right place. Care for some Jello while we discuss this?"
"Ano...I've heard about your Jello," Hotaru said warily.
Havoc simply shrugged. "Suit yourself. I'll just get you a menu, but the Hentenno must have his Jello at least five times a day to stay fit! After all, Jello does a hentai good!"
And so he led her through the centre aisle, cutting through most of the tables and booths before hitting the dance floor. Hotaru paused as she looked up at a large photo on the wall labelled "Employee of the Month" which displayed Lord Charon giving two thumbs up...and twirling a set of panties on each thumb.
"Don't I know him from someplace?" she asked.
In concentrating on the picture Hotaru failed to look where she was going and abruptly bumped into someone. She recoiled and nearly fell over backwards, but was able to grab hold of a table edge. "Gomen nasai!" she apologized, bowing. "I wasn't looking. It was entirely my--"
She paused and looked up at Minni-May, who in turn was giving her the most curious expression ever. Minni-May shook her head. "Geez, even I wasn't *that* young when I started working at the Purple Pussy!"
"This is business, not hentai!" Havoc countered, waving a chiding finger at Minni-May. However said finger happened to have a pair of panties dangling from them.
Someone at one of the tables laughed. "Ha! Your business is hentai, Havoc!" Jyaku Amano shouted.
"Now then," Havoc began, gently leading her around Minni-May. "There's just one thing you need to do beforehand, Hotaru: move to your left right about...now!"
Confused, Hotaru complied.
Suddenly who came tearing across the club, and running right over the place where Hotaru had last been standing, was Minako. "Oh Naaaaaaa-chan!" she exclaimed, boxes of chocolates and the Yggdrasil jacket loaded in her arms. "I've got panties and I've got Jello! Who could ask for anything more?"
Havoc glanced back, still with his Chichiri grin. "Oro?"
And so Minako would have lovingly flung herself at Havoc...had she not stubbed her foot on the carpet and was sent tumbling head over heels right past Havoc. "Ole!" Havoc exclaimed, twirling around matador-style to suddenly reveal in his hands Minako's panties.
But instead of a *sploot!* sound from Minako flying into the whipped cream & Jello wrestling pit, there was an enormous crash followed by a startled yelp from Minako.
Havoc blinked, uncertain of what to say as he looked at where Minako had now ended up. "Shimatta!" he groaned, tossing Minako's stolen panties over his shoulder. "I just had that thing relubricated and ribbed too."
Hotaru's eyes were wide in stunned disbelief. "Masaka," she whispered hoarsely. "Minako-chan, d-daijobu?"
Havoc quickly clamped a hand over her eyes, turning her to face another direction. "Um, this is gonna take a few minutes, Hotaru," he said, looking around. "Ne, Minni-May, could you take her over to a booth and get a menu for her?"
Hotaru was led away while Havoc pulled out a cellular phone. "Moshi moshi, the Hentenno here. I need a clean-up crew at the La Blue Girl display in the foyer, pronto...better call a proctologist too. And while you're at it, see if you can find a priest who'll take confessions."
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