"My New Year's resolution is to leave the fourth wall intact."
-Ian of "Machall", www.machall.com
[Cue an SD Chaos frantically running in circles around the intro bit!]
SD Chaos: o.O "Kyaaaaaa! It's horrible! It's catastrophic!"
Ebichu: [running around behind Chaos!] "An emergency, dechu! An emergency, dechu!"
SD Chaos: "I can't believe such a terrible thing has happened! Oh, this is so not good!"
Ebichu: "Hai! Ebichu accidentally got carried away in making the vegetable platter, and sliced up the Boomergirl's green vibrator thinking it was a cucumber!"
SD Chaos: "Hai! It's--"
[SD Chaos suddenly screeches to a stop!]
SD Chaos: [eyebrow twitch!!] "What the [beep!] [beep!] are *you* talking about?"
Pandemonium: "You turned my input jack into an hors d'oeuvre?!"
Pesti: o.O;; [sampling some 'cucumber' slices] "URK!"
Riot: "And here I thought that most peculiar flavour was just the honourable vegetable dip."
Ebichu: [grovelling profusely] ;_; "Gomen nasai, dechu!"
Carnage: --;; "Suddenly being a carnivore is sounding a whole lot more appetizing."
Demolition: "Well, oddly enough Angels do taste like Puchuu bears. And they go great with a side order of fries and ketchup!"
Hysteria: "Hysteria will just stick with Havoc-poppa's deliciously kawaii little lesbian-flavoured cookie-chans instead."
SD Chaos: [sniffle!] "Moshi moshi? Fanboy whose Christmas present to Hotaru got eaten by the PMS-2 over here!"
SD Chaos: --;; "How nice, it hacked up the plushie's glaive. Now give me the rest of the Saturn plushie before I sell your soul to an X/1999-Box! SHIN'NE!!!"
Pandemonium: [chasing after Ebichu!] "And that was my favourite input jack too. Now I can't log into the AD Police mainframe anymore! How could you mistake it for a cucumber, you little rodent?!"
Ebichu: [fleeing in terror, dechu!] "Kyaaaaaaaaa, dechu!"
Pesti: [maniacally brushing his teeth] "Gyak! I can still taste the boomer ooze! I need some ammonia to wash my mouth out!"
Ruckus: ^-^ [glomp!] "Let me suck that taste out of your mouth, Pesti-cutie!"
Pesti: o.O;; "KYAAAAAA!!!"
Carnage: "You are such a culinary hack, Demo-chan. Puchuu bears go better with coleslaw and soy sauce. Any good cook will tell you that. Just ask Kasumi Tendo!"
Demolition: [flex flex!] "Oh, stop your whining, oni-san! We both know that my nekkid cooking skills are superior to yours any day."
Carnage: "I do not cook nekkid!!!"
Havoc-kun: "Why not? My Delmo babes do it often enough for me."
Hysteria: ^-^ [Gainax bouncing through] "Oooh, does Havoc-poppa mean like this?"
[Hysteria tears off her dress to reveal her L33T nekkid cooking skill-chanz!]
Carnage, Havoc & Demolition: o.O;;; "KYAAAAA!! PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!!!!"
SD Chaos: [chasing after the PMS-2 console!] "No, not my Devilman May Cry game prototype! Don't eat my prototype!! KYAAAAA!!!"
Dark Mayhem: "You know, it's at times like this when I realise that Panty Claus is going to be filling all of our stockings with Valium- laced thongs this year."
Riot: "Hai hai. Cue the most honourable title to this fanfic!"
[Cue the rest of Christmasfic 2!!]
His lordship Chaos presents
Part II: X-Mas/1999, Her Present Was Foreordained
Well, since the last part of the Christmasfic, not much else of importance had happened to the plot-aside from it being perforated with many large holes. But who ever notices such piffly things like character development, story quality, and that trifling thing called coherency.
No, what otaku really want is fanservice!
Angel Links from the realms of Gainax-bouncing glory, let your bosoms bounce all o'er the fic! And what better place to see such genkiriffic things than at Planet Hentai? The entire facility was packed solid for Christmas Eve, as throngs of hentai and ecchi individuals eagerly awaited the impending arrival of Panty Claus. Extra Delmo girls had to be posted around the club to keep some of the more rambunctious patrons in line, while the double shifts of Variable Geo waitresses were busy rollerskating orders from the kitchen to the tables. Currently the club's attention was divided between the always-packed dance floor, and the four-on-foursome pocket pool tournament being played nearby. So far the top three groups were: the Amazoness Quartet; Benyko Brigadiers Jyako, Minni May, Mai Shiranui and Havoc-chan; and in a very peculiar twist, a team consisting of the Digi Charat characters Puchiko, Dejiko, Rabi- en-Rose and Piroko. However, things went awry when it was discovered that one of the pool balls being used turned out to be Gema.
Yet not everyone was taking time off to party and test the Gainax bounce-o-meter to see who had the best...er, Christmas packaging in the Planet. A haggard-looking Kintaro wearily worked his way around the aisles, ongoing traffic & fanservice. Clipboard in hand, he groaned as he was once again paged over his headset.
"What is it this time?" he sighed, listening to the latest disaster that required averting. "Yes...what? Ryo Saeba slipped on the floor in the Hentorium and sprained *both* of them? Okay, just tell Ai Name to hang tight and I'll get someone over there to help with the bukkake clean-up."
"There has got to be a better way to run tonight," Kintaro lamented after the call ended. "I'm going to be dead from exhaustion before Panty Claus manages to arrive." But first he had to make sure the growing list of immediate tasks would be completed. And for that he needed a few choice victims.
Eventually he found one of the individuals he was looking for. Charon was busy helping tend the bar alongside Myao of Kazemakase Tsukikage Ran, and Crayon Shin-chan. The trio were drawing quite a crowd with their antics of juggling bottles, pouring drinks and playing "hide the cherry" (or in Crayon's case, "hide the elephant"). He signalled for Charon to slip away from the bar, and Charon's absence was neatly covered by a quartet of Golden Delmo girls who each began to strut on the bar, dump shots of Sex On The Beach on each other and then lick it off.
"You know, bartender detail isn't all that bad," Charon remarked. "Both Myao and Crayon can't drink any of the alcohol, and I get most of the babes."
"At least you didn't shatter half the bottles on the customers like NinNin did," Kintaro sighed. "We lost an entire of shipment because that purple midget decided to concentrate on Mitsune's jugs rather than the La Blue Nun he was juggling at the time."
"Speaking of, where is my feckless leader anyways?" Charon said.
NinNin and Ataru were found a few minutes later, both vying for the attention of Sango-chan.
"I told you, I saw her rack first!" Ataru snapped, pulling on Sango's breasts.
NinNin immediately glomped onto her bosoms and brought them closer to himself. "Ha! You wouldn't last three minutes with a foxy demon hunter like her, Ataru! Give up and find yourself some other date to feel up beneath the mistletoe."
Sango's eyebrow twitched as she desperately tried not to blush from the way the two were handling her cleavage. She was also on the verge of clobbering both of them with her oversized bone boomerang when Kintaro located them.
"Oh no, you boys don't get off so easily," Kintaro stated, yanking NinNin and Ataru away from Sango's bosoms by their ears. Which was just as well, given how Miroku was ready to suck to the two pervs into the air void in his right hand. "You're still in training, so you get to work tonight. Not all lemons are panty shots and squishy fist-in-the-Jello sounds."
"Well then why isn't Havoc-chan working? She's the hostess," NinNin scoffed. "And she dares to call herself a Hentenno while taking time off for such an important event."
"Who do you think organised everything up to this point?" Kintaro retorted. "Co-ordinating with this many pervs and Panty Claus is harder than it looks. She's taking some time off with the pocket pool tournament."
Ataru shrugged. "Whatever. So what do we have to do?"
"Well, you get your choice, actually. There's a kissing booth that needs to be manned down by the karaoke bar, and we also have a rather messy emergency clean-up in the Hentorium."
"I nominate Charon for the Hentorium clean-up!" NinNin and Ataru chimed together.
Charon spun around in surprise. "Don't I get a say in the matter?"
"Two to one vote," Ataru said.
"We win, you get the Hentorium," NinNin agreed.
Charon glowered at the two, knowing that without a higher ranking, he could do nothing more.
"Fine by me," Kintaro said. "Charon, you know where the mop and bucket are, so you'd better grab them and fast." Charon sighed and nodded. Resigned to his fate, he headed over to the supply closet. Kintaro then turned to the grinning Ataru & NinNin, an unexpectedly evil smile appearing on his face. "And as for you two...."
Yet where was the Ecchi-chan amidst all this? Well, actually Lohengrope was sitting quietly at a table for two, sipping from his cup of Hotcha Ocha. Across the table, daintily chugging back the contents of an entire jug of Sake, sat Anarchy.
"It's an interesting proposal you make," Lohengrope remarked as he set his teacup down on its matching saucer. "I would agree that we would make for an excellent romantic couple, given our combined prestige, power and sheer love of being badasses." He then added, "You do realise, of course, that I am engaged to Hilda von Mariondorf."
Anarchy set her bottle of Sake down on its matching saucer, paused as if giving this fact a moment of idle consideration, then replied, "Not anymore."
Lohengrope gave her a sly grin. "Thanks."
"Don't mention it."
The two were abruptly cut off by the loud bemoaning of NinNin and Ataru, who had discovered that the kissing booth was actually a butt-kissing booth. Needless to say they were ready to have their lips disinfected after only two minutes of tending to the booths.
"I tell you, if I was a bishie like Lohegrope, this wouldn't be happening," NinNin grumbled. His eyebrow twitched as he saw Project A-ko's Mary approaching their booth...with 400 tickets in her hands. "If I had that look-you know the one I'm talking about-I'd be irresistible to women everywhere."
"Oh, not this again," Ataru sighed. "Come on, the Ecchi-chan does not look like that."
"I'm telling you he does. How else do you explain why the babes just dissolve into blushing, giggling fits when they see him?"
Ataru rolled his eyes. "Even if he did, that is not the sort of adjective I'd use to describe Lohengrope."
"You can't deny that Lohengrope looks like a sinister, grown- up version of Noboru," NinNin advocated. "You know, that blonde kid from that trio of Clamp Campus Detectives. I mean, look at the similarities they share: same locks of blonde hair, same intelligent blue eyes, same graceful stride whenever they walk. I'm telling you, Lohengrope has this cutesy, elfin air about him!"
The entire club suddenly went dead silent.
Upon hearing himself be described as cutesy & "elfin", Lohengrope turned around in his chair and glared at NinNin. Bets were suddenly being taken on how he would dispatch of the unlucky sot.
"I-I meant 'elven', in a Tolkeinesque-Vanyar kind of way!" NinNin stammered.
Lohengrope's scowl melted away, and he gave NinNin a pleasant smile. "Oh, I see. Well, I'm glad we cleared that misunderstanding up." He turned back around to Anarchy. "Kill him. A lot."
Anarchy giggled. "Ooooh, I like it when you talk dirty."
[Cue the non-sequitur scene change scene!]
Marron Glaces: "Bi."
Marron Glaces: "Bi."
Ruckus: ^^v [racing by & grabbing all 3 of them!] "Yaoi!"
Meanwhile, back at the Fanboys' apartment, the Inner Senshi had arrived en masse and were busy removing their coats and scarves as they exchanged holiday greetings with everyone. Ami wasted no time in yanking Dark Mayhem beneath the nearest mistletoe...and promptly set the mistletoe on fire with her ecchi antics and Dark Mayhem's faulty dating chromosome.
"Sugoi!" Usagi exclaimed, her mouth watering as she spied the immense stack of food and candies on the dinner table. "Look at all the chocolate!"
"Wai!" Hysteria chimed in, suddenly bouncing around Usagi in a kawaii frilly li'l apron-chan. "Chocolate-chans, chocolate-chans, chocolate-chans! Ne ne, does kawaii little Usagi-chan want to have some kawaii little chocolate-chans at Hysteria's kawaii little Christmas tea party-chan?"
Usagi: ^-^ "Definitely! Ne...where did Mamo-chan go? He was right behind me a second ago."
Tora: [BURP!] "Not a clue."
Ruckus: [indignantly strangling Tora] "Hey, no fair hogging all the boys to yourself! Come on, cough him up! Cough him up!"
The party was quick to get underway, the presents brought by Inner Senshi being placed underneath the small Christmas tree alongside the presents the fanboys had already placed there. Usagi enjoyed sampling a lot of food at Hysteria's kawaii little tea party-chan, and was thusly able to serve as a decoy, as Nakago and chibi-Nehelenia managed to use a hacksaw on their leg shackles and make a break for freedom as they fled Hysteria's bedroom.
And they would have made it had too...had Ebichu not just waxed the hall floor. Chibi-Nehelenia and Nakago both shrieked as they shot down the hall, crashing right into Pesti-chan and sending SD Pesti's flying in every direction. SD Pesti #3 managed to catch hold of some garland hanging from the ceiling, and used it as a vine to swing to safety.
Makoto sweatdropped as SD Pesti #3 swung past her, giving off his best Tarzan yell. "All I ask for is a nice, quiet Christmas, filled with-hey, give me back my panties, Three!!"
"Aha, so you thought you could escape Hysteria's kawaii little Christmas tea party-chan, did you?" Hysteria squeaked triumphantly as she dragged chibi-Nehelenia and Nakago back by their feet into her bedroom. "Well, Hysteria has just the kawaii little punishment- chan for you two. Usagi-chan, go into Hysteria's kawaii little closet-chan and fetch...Hysteria's kawaii little comfy chair-chan!!"
Nakago & chibi-Nehelenia: ;_; "Noooooooooooooooooo!"
Dark Mayhem emerged from the bathroom just in time to see the aftermath of all the commotion, and nearly broke his neck when he tried walking down the hall. "What the hell? This floor's got more of a sheen than Puni Puni Poemi's butt."
To which Ebichu the housekeeping hamster proudly replied, "Ebichu used that bottle of floor polish, dechu!"
"Um...this bottle doesn't have polish in it," Ami said, examining the bottle's contents. "It's got a peculiar smell though."
Dark Mayhem took a cautionary sniff. "What the? This is Boomer Ooze!"
Suddenly Havoc bounced past them, snatching the bottle from Ami's hands. "Domo! I was wondering where I'd misplaced that!" Then Havoc took another bounce...and hit the waxed floor.
The others watched as the Hentenno slipped and careened across the hallway, leaving a Cream Lemon trail in his wake. Havoc managed to bounce off a bewildered SD Pesti #1's head and tumbled through the air right into the living room.
Havoc: @.@ "Oro-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo!"
Minako: ^-^ [with an oversized catcher's mitt!] "I got him! I got him!"
Chaos blinked a few times as some stray bits of lemon- flavoured whipped cream sprayed through the air and landed on his head. "Suddenly I have this peculiar urge to finish my Boogiepop Phantom of the Opera Chaosfic," he remarked. Chaos then vehemently shook his head. "No, I have to find a suitable replacement present before Hotaru arrives!"
"Replacement present?" a thoroughly Cream Lemon-covered Minako asked as she walked by Chaos, retrieving a facecloth from the kitchen. "What happened to the original?"
Chaos quickly gave Minako a synopsis of Christmasfic 2: part 1, complete with fancy diagrams of nonsensical lines, science gibberish, stick figures and his theory on how it would look as if one spliced together a famous space battleship and a mythical Japanese creature to create a 8-headed spaceship called the Yamato- no-Orochi.
Makoto: [eyebrow twitch!] "NA NI?"
Dark Mayhem: "Could have been worse. He could have come up with the King Ghidoraemon."
Makoto: [facevault!] "Ack!"
Dark Mayhem: ^-^ "My work here is done."
Minako struck a dramatic pose upon hearing of Chaos' plight, which also sent a flurry of Cream Lemon across the counter and into Ruckus' face.
Ruckus: "We're serving the Godiva ice cream already?"
Carnage: [punting Ruckus through the ceiling] "Shut up!!"
"Don't worry, Duo," Minako said to Chaos, grabbing his wrist and yanking him towards his wall scroll. "Leave it up to Aino Minako, the messenger of love! I'll help you come up with a way to show your affections for Hotaru, even in the face of such adversity. After all, love is a many tentacled thing!"
Chaos sweatdropped. "A-Ano...."
Down by the floor, Artemis let out a beleaguered sigh. "That's 'love is a many-splendoured thing' Minako."
Demolition looked down at the white Mau cat in surprise. "Hey, I didn't know you and Luna were here! We thought you'd gotten eaten by Rampage or Catastrophe a while back"
Artemis shook his head. "No, those two are busy chasing after some little buxomy green succubus-thingy right now."
Goonie: o.O; [racing across the living room!] "Get away from me, you freaky things!"
Rampage: >) "CHU CHU!"
Catastrophe: >) "chu chu!"
Pesti: --;; "Who needs to worry about the Night Breed when you've got SD Godzilla-thingies for mascots?"
Carnage, meanwhile, tried to Fireball Havoc as Havoc nabbed Rei's festive candycane-striped panties, and wound up zorching Chaos instead. No about to let the fire go to waste, Riot busied himself with making some shish-kabobs by impaling various meats and vegetables on a few katana blades.
A little later on into the evening, Pandemonium and Largo decided to have a little fun with the Jacuzzi in Dark Mayhem's room. However, Boomer cybernetics and water don't exactly mix, and the two managed to short out all the power in the entire Jyuban District. Luckily enough, Carnage was able to divert power from a few mecha, and the apartment was given back its electricity.
Rei and Demolition wound up in a rather impressive DDR duel that wound up being dubbed as 'Lord of the Dance Dance Revolution.' During the second round, Michael Flatley, decked out in his bullfighter's hat and vest, suddenly make an unwelcomed cameo in the fic & began Riverdancing on the dance pads.
The PMS-2 subsequently ate him.
"That is peculiar," Pesti-chan remarked, scratching his head as he watched the television. "How is it possible for a comet to come down on Tokyo yet only hit one person?"
"Maybe it was your friend, Desolation," Makoto suggested, sitting next to him on the couch.
Pesti-chan continued watching the news blurb and then shook his head. "No, apparently it was some Hilda Von Mariondorf woman who got crushed. I don't get it." He sighed and turned the television off.
Just then the doorbell rang.
"I got it!" Pesti-chan announced, getting off the couch and heading for the door. "It's probably the Outer Senshi anyways."
Makoto shrugged. "I'm not sure. Haruka-san called me earlier this evening and said that they may be a little later than planned. Something about needing a special transport for one of their presents."
"One way to find out," Pesti-chan said as he reached the front entry. He opened up the door, and then froze in abject surprise & terror upon seeing who was standing in the hallway. "N-N-Naoko- sama?!" he stammered.
Yes, faster than you could say "Stop the Bubblegum Crisis dub, I'm going to be sick!", the fanboys found themselves nearly wetting themselves in the presence of the veritable goddess of the Sailormoon series: manga artist and creator Naoko Takeuchi herself!!
"She seems strangely familiar," Ami remarked as Naoko stepped inside. "Haven't we seen her somewhere before, Carrot-chan?"
Dark Mayhem sweatdropped. "In a manner of speaking, yes. But let's not dwell on the crumbling ruins of the 4th Wall, Ami-chan. Quick, to the nyotaimori table!"
"K-K-K-onban wa," Pesti-chan stammered as he meekly shuffled in behind Naoko. "So...I just have to say in my defense that the entire Pestific spiralled out of control because of our author! Blame him, not me! I'm innocent, I tell you!"
"Kamui, calm down," Makoto soothed the frazzled fanboy. "At this rate, you're going to hyperventilate and then there's going to be six of you running all over the place again."
Naoko rolled her eyes as she found a vacant spot to sit down, which happened to be next to Riot and Ebichu. "Ah, so what have we done to be graced by your most honourable presence?" Riot remarked. "Any latest wtf-fu moment in particular?"
"Actually, it seems that as of lately you boys have been behaving yourselves--the chibi-Havoc invasion of Setsuna's beach house not counting," Naoko said. "Your last major fic had some surprisingly involved plot twists, and it followed Sailormoon continuity...sort of. Well, as close as it will ever get with you guys around. But since things seem to have calmed down, I thought I'd pay you a visit and see if there was still a reason why I should haul out my 1000 tonne mallet and smite any of you."
Ebichu: ^-^ "Ebichu likes Yuu Watase's manga artwork better, dechu!"
Naoko: --;; [hauling out her mallet] "Excuse me a moment...."
Abruptly the doorbell rang again.
"I got it this time!" Carnage called out. Just as he was about to open up the front door, a flying hamster clocked him in the back of the head and sent both of them crashing into the broom closet.
So Demolition opted to answer the door instead. "Wonder who it is this time," he said as he turned the doorknob.
Suddenly a towering figure with a black hooded cloak and a scythe in his hands frantically dashed past Demolition. Demolition cocked an eyebrow. "Death?" he said in surprise.
Death nervously glanced over its shoulder. "You gotta hide me!" Death exclaimed, grabbing Demolition by the collar and shaking him vigorously. "There's this crazy otaku with a 'Wu' mark who's following me. He's everywhere I go, I can't shake him!"
Suddenly down the hallway came Desolation's voice: "Death! Death! Why have you forsaken me yet again?! What the--there you are, Death! Don't think I can't see you hiding behind that fanboy. Get your butt over here right now!"
Death let out a squeak and shrank into a ridiculous SD version of itself, scrambling into the apartment and hiding in a bowl of Koala March to escape detection. A somewhat bedraggled Desolation stomped into the apartment right after it, one of his arms (severed no less) crawling in shortly thereafter.
Demolition glanced down at the severed arm. "Busy night?"
"You could say that," Desolation replied.
Fairy Godbabbit: [flapping into the apartment] "You'd be amazed at how sharp the edges of those Clow Cards are when they hit Mach 3. It's a wonder the Shadow card didn't lop his head right off, and hey, are those fruit gummies?"